CHAPTER 15

Matt nervously tapped his fingers on the arm of the chair in front of Dr. Jenkins' desk. He had been here for therapy a few times in the past couple of months, but he was nervous today. He was going to broach the subject of moving back home. It was beyond time for him to be with his wife and family again. He promised Maddy he would take care of her for the next year so she could stay home with the boys and he was determined to do it. He was also determined to overlook the fact that Wyatt was not his son. He had to in order to return to the life he knew before Jackson Walker came back to Chicago and disrupted everything. Maddy would also have to accept that he had a daughter with someone else. If he could do it for her, she could do it for him. It was that simple and that complicated.

"I can't understand what's keeping her," said Matt, still tapping his fingers. He glanced around the office as if he would find Maddy hiding in a corner somewhere. Dr. Jenkins said nothing, only smiling and nodding his head. Within a few minutes, Maddy came bursting through the door with both Wyatt and Finn in tow.

"I'm so sorry I'm late. We had a poopy diaper blowout in the car that required a full outfit change," she said, breathlessly. She put the diaper bag and infant carrier on the floor, then got Finn seated on the couch. She gave him his blanket, a book and a few toys. She picked up the diaper bag and carrier and sat them next to the empty chair next to Matt. She plunked herself down in the chair like she hadn't sat for hours. Matt watched her, smiling softly to himself at how beautiful she was in spite of being a tired, frazzled, mother of two young boys. She was wearing a rumpled short pink skirt and a white t-shirt. Her hair was pulled up into a messy twist, with sections of it hanging on either side of her face. She reached up behind her head and took the clip out, letting her hair fall down around her shoulders. She ran her fingers through her blonde tresses and shook her head slightly, shaking it loose. Once she was settled, she looked over at Matt.

"I'm sorry, Matt. I know you have to get back to the firehouse, but it was unexpected and unavoidable. I was running a little late to begin with, which is why I'm dressed like I just rolled out of bed. Forgive me?"

"Of course, baby. Don't worry about it. Shit happens…and you look beautiful as always," he said, grinning and taking her hand. She smiled back, his little pun and compliment had not escaped her. She marveled at how handsome he always looked in his fitted white captain's shirt. She had been so proud of him when he got his promotion. It was well deserved. He had proved to Chief Boden and the top brass at CFD that he was a smart, level headed guy who knew how to react and take command in any situation. She wished he had used those same attributes before choosing to sleep with Gabby Dawson.

"My apologies, Dr. Jenkins," she said, looking at the big, burly man with wire-rimmed glasses who was seated behind the large oak desk. He seemed nonplussed that she was nearly ten minutes late for her appointment.

"No worries, Maddy. I understand. Besides, I don't have another appointment today until one o'clock, so we have plenty of time to make it up." She relaxed her shoulders and leaned back in the chair.

"The wake for your father was really lovely, Maddy. I'm sure he was proud of you for that," said Dr. Jenkins.

"Yes, it was stressful but everything came together," she said.

"It wasn't all perfect though, was it Maddy?" said Dr. Jenkins, taking her by surprise.

"I see we're cutting right to the chase," she replied, taking in a deep breath and shifting in her chair. The memory of how Gabby Dawson had shown up to the wake with her daughter still stung. Matt had claimed that he had no idea that she would be coming and Maddy believed him. He took charge of the situation and ended up taking Gabby out of the funeral home before a war erupted.

"How did that scenario make you feel?"

"Angry," she answered. "She had no business being there. She's not even a part of House 51 anymore," said Maddy. She refused to shed any more tears over Gabby Dawson. Maddy was determined to take back her life and control her emotions, especially where Matt and Gabby were concerned.

"I was able to get her to leave," said Matt.

"What did she have to say for herself?" asked the doctor.

"She didn't have to say anything. It was obvious that she came there solely to upset Maddy."

"How did that make you feel, Matt?"

"So goddamn angry that I could have put my fist through a wall," said Matt.

"Goddamn!" yelled Finn, giggling. His outburst had caused the baby to wake up and start crying. Maddy felt the tension in her shoulders return.

"James Finnegan Casey, you know better than to say naughty words. Just because Daddy said it doesn't mean you should," said Matt firmly, reprimanding their son. Without skipping a beat, Matt picked up a crying Wyatt from the infant seat and held him against his chest. He rubbed his back and bounced him slightly to try to settle him down. Maddy's heart melted at the scene that had just unfolded before her. He had taken charge of Finn and had comforted the baby that wasn't his biological son without so much as a second thought. It was at that moment that she began to think that going back to her life with Matthew might be possible.

"Gabby Dawson seems to be the main reason that the two of you aren't back together," said Dr. Jenkins.

"For me, it is," said Maddy. "We hate each other with a passion. We have since day one and now that she and Matt share a child, she will always have a presence in our lives. I'm not sure I can deal with that."

"What about you, Matt?" Matt shifted in his chair, leaning forward to put the baby, who had fallen asleep, back in his seat.

"Gabby is one of two reasons why Maddy and I aren't together. The second reason is Jackson Walker. The way I feel about him is the same way Maddy feels about Gabby," said Matt. He folded his hands and leaned back against the high back leather chair.

"You hate Jace? He doesn't hate you," said Maddy, sounding surprised. She fully understood why Matt wouldn't necessarily like Jace, but she didn't think Matt was capable of hating anyone.

"I wouldn't say that I hate him, but he's not my favorite person and he'll always have a presence in our lives, the same way that Gabby will." She couldn't argue that point. It was true. They were the main sticking points between the two of them and the driving force behind their separation. "And he sure as hell does hate me, Maddy. I can hear it in his voice every time he speaks to me."

Maddy chose not to argue the point with him. Matthew always gave everyone a fair shake, including those that didn't deserve it. She also knew in her heart that Jace didn't hate Matthew, but he made it seem that way simply out of feelings of jealousy. Jace still wanted to be her husband and the fact that Matthew was in that role upset him terribly. He had confided that to her many times over the last year.

"I guess the big question is can both of you overlook your feelings enough to be able to make your marriage work?"

"That's the crux of it, isn't it?" said Maddy, looking down at her lap and smoothing out her wrinkled skirt.

"I know I can do it. I wouldn't have offered to give Maddy the opportunity to stay home for the next year with the boys if I didn't think I could. I wanted to prove to her that I was committed to her and our marriage. I know I screwed things up, but I want to do everything in my power to make it up to her."

"I screwed up, too, Matt. Our problems aren't just on your shoulders." She reached over and he took her hand in his. Her smile gave him a sense of hope and the reassurance that what he wanted was within reach.

"Let me come home, Maddy. I love you and Finn and this little baby. I want to be there for you. For all of you," said Matt, his eyes welling up. "Please, baby." Her heart wanted so badly to tell him that he could come back home, but her head was telling her she wasn't ready for that to happen.

"Matt, I want to say yes, but there are still some things that have to be addressed

first." Matt inquired what those things were. "There's still the matter of Jace paying child support for Wyatt. I haven't asked him that yet and he's in Texas for the next couple of weeks now. He'll be immersed in the business of the ranch and I don't want to bother him."

"OK, what else?" She took a deep breath in to steady her nerves and slowly blew it out. She had been preparing for this moment ever since Matt's offer. She wasn't sure how he was going to react to her concerns, but she had to be honest with him.

"I'm afraid that letting you move back home will become a condition of your financial support, that you'll use that as leverage and take it away if I say you can't come back home right now," she said, looking directly at him. Matt looked down at his lap, wiped his face with his hands and looked directly back at her.

"I would never do that to you, Maddy. You know me and the kind of man I am," said Matt.

"I thought I did, Matt…then you slept with Gabby Dawson," she said. Matt threw his hands up in the air and sat back in the chair, looking defeated.

"If I'm willing to overlook the fact that you slept with Walker and had his baby, why can't you move past my sleeping with Gabby and fathering a daughter? You weren't the only one to have lost trust and their marriage ideals here, Maddy." His anger and frustration were palpable. He rarely lost his cool, but he was fed up with going around and around about the same thing.

"I know that, Matt, and I don't mean to keep sounding like the only victim in all of this. I'm sorry," she said. "But people who truly love each other don't go to bed with someone else, do they, Dr. Jenkins?"

His hands were folded under his chin and his elbows were resting on his desk. He peered over his glasses at the two of them, with one tacit thought circulating in his head that these two people may never come to an agreement about what the future held for them. Matt seemed to have come to terms with the situation, but Maddy clearly hasn't gotten to that point. He doubted she ever would, for one main reason…and he was away in Texas on business. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, trying to think of the exact words to say.

"I wouldn't say that, Maddy. People can love each other, but that doesn't keep them from making bad decisions or doing something stupid in the heat of the moment. The heart of the matter here is whether or not you and Matt love each other enough to make it work. I think Matt has demonstrated that he does, simply by offering to support you for the next year while you take time off from work."

"I wouldn't have offered it if I didn't," said Matt. "I want to be able to give that to you. I'm not using it as leverage to come back home, even though that's what I want the most right now. I miss you, Maddy and I want to help you. You and our family are my life."

Maddy was quiet for several minutes, quietly wiping the tears from her eyes. She had never felt more torn in her life. She loved the man sitting next to her. She couldn't deny that, but she also couldn't deny the love she felt for the man that was currently in Texas. Both men would always be in her life regardless of who she ended up with and that was the conundrum.

"If I agree that you can come back home, it wouldn't be picking up where we left off. We wouldn't be sharing a bed. I wouldn't be ready for that. If that's something that you can live with, then I will consider it."

"I understand that and I will accept whatever terms you set," said Matt. "And my team and I have been working on the new house day and night. It'll be ready in about six to eight weeks. We'll have plenty of space for everyone, including you, me, the boys and even Harper, with a couple of bedrooms left over."

Maddy smiled at the recollection of her and Matt's visit to the new house Matt was building for them. They shared a tender embrace that blossomed into a passionate kiss. She wondered if Matt thought about that kiss as often as she did. It tasted of love, unspent passion and the undeniable connection they had shared since they were teenagers. She loved Matt, but did she love him enough? That was the most important question that needed to be answered before she could let Matt come back home.

"Baby, I have to get back now," said Matt, suddenly standing up. He kissed Maddy on top of the head, then picked Finn up off the couch.

"You be a good boy for Mommy, Finn, and help her with your baby brother, okay?" The toddler nodded his head and wrapped his little arms around his father's neck. Matt kissed him on the side of his head and rubbed the little boy's back.

"I'll see you tomorrow for Sunday breakfast," said Matt, as he set Finn back down and got him settled again on the couch. "I'll cook," he said, as he turned to look at Maddy. He said his goodbyes to Dr. Jenkins before he left.

"Maddy, I'm going to say something, not as your therapist but as your friend…I think you're rushing into making a decision that you are clearly not ready to make. There are still too many loose ends."

"I know, Dr. Jenkins, but look at me. Do I look like the Madeleine Coventry that you've known since I was twenty-three years old? My life is falling apart. I'm a mess emotionally. I need some stability and so do my children. Having Matt back home would give me that."

"What about happiness, Maddy? Don't you need that, too?" Without missing a beat, she looked directly at him and gave him the only reply she could.

"My happiness is not the most important thing in all of this. What's important is that my sons are happy and that our lives get back to normal. That's all I want," she said. Dr. Jenkins did not reply. He simply watched her continue to feed her baby and tend to her toddler, all the while thinking that she would end up in a situation that would eventually be too difficult and painful to tolerate.

"Whether or not you think you deserve it, you should have some happiness too, Maddy," said Dr. Jenkins.

"I was content with Matthew before all of this happened…before Jackson came back. It was comfortable," she replied.

"Comfortable like an old shoe, I suppose. Something that felt familiar and reliable to you?" Maddy nodded her head in agreement, keeping her eyes turned down to the baby at her breast.

"And what did your life with Jackson feel like?" It was a difficult question to ask her, but he had to do it in order for Maddy to make progress. She had been stalling herself for weeks, always deferring to life with Matt without ever having truly addressed what her life with Jackson had been like.

"A fairytale," she said, without so much as a hint of hesitation. "We were in our own little world, but it wasn't real. It wasn't sustainable," she said, looking up at him with tears in her eyes once again.

"How do you know that? You were together for a very short time before Jackson was listed as dead. Besides, time means nothing to people in love with each other. You and Matt have been together more than twice as long as you and Jackson were, yet here we are with the two of you separated for what? The third time in five years? Be honest with yourself, Maddy. You need to give more credence to the life you had with Jackson or you may never achieve your ultimate goal."

"My ultimate goal?"

"Who you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's the main reason that you're here, isn't it?"

She nodded her head and turned her face back down to the baby at her breast. He looked so much like his father, just the way that Finn looked like his father. She had two of the most beautiful children in the world, fathered by two different men who were worlds apart from each other. One was a good man, level headed, smart and a loving father. She had loved him since she was sixteen years old. He was the man she was meant to be with. At least that's what she thought before the other man came into her life. He was a good man, too, with an unparalleled passion for her, who made their life together into something out of a romance novel. Her head was pulling her in one direction, but her heart was pulling her in another. Maddy knew she had to come to a conclusion soon before she went out of her mind.