CHAPTER 16
Maddy looked at the clock on the bedside table for the fifth time in the last hour. It was six-thirty in the morning and she had been lying awake, unable to fall back to sleep. There were too many things on her mind to be able to drift back into a dreamless, peaceful slumber. She hadn't had a good night's sleep since Wyatt was born. Being the mother of a newborn and a toddler was exhausting enough without all of the baggage that had come after Wyatt's birth. It was as if a giant hammer had fallen and smashed her and Matt's life into a million pieces. She was tired of carrying that baggage around with her. She was tired of mind, body and soul.
She let her thoughts wander to Matt. Maybe he was lying awake in his bunk at the firehouse, thinking about her, too. She was looking forward to having him come over for Sunday breakfast again. When they were together, family breakfasts on the Sundays he was off shift were her favorite thing. The three of them would sit around the dining room table, filling up on pancakes and sausage or eggs Benedict or whatever Matt felt like whipping up. After they were finished eating, she would get Finn cleaned up and ready for the day while Matt tidied up the kitchen. Then the two of them would cuddle up on the couch and read the Sunday edition of the Chicago Sun Times while Finn played with his toys on the living room floor. When they were finished, they took turns getting ready, then would gather up Finn and head to the eleven-thirty mass at the church where they were married. After church, they would bring Finn to the park. He would run around, chasing the pigeons and trying to pet every dog that crossed his path. They pushed him on the swings and held him as he came down the slide, squealing with delight. Maddy would fix him a drink and a snack, then they would take a leisurely drive into the country. They would talk about their plans to build a big house on a piece of property there someday while Finn quietly napped in his car seat in the backseat. Then they would stop for an early dinner somewhere before heading home. Once they were home, they would give Finn a bath and get him ready for bed. When he was asleep, they would stand by his bed and talk about how they wanted to have another baby someday. They would head back downstairs and watch a little TV before getting ready for bed. They would walk up the stairs hand in hand, into their bedroom. She would choose an outfit to wear to work the next day and Matt would make sure he had a clean Captain's shirt and pants for his next shift. And finally, they would climb into bed together and make slow, passionate love before drifting off into a blissful sleep in each other's arms. The perfect end to a perfect day.
Maddy rolled over and hugged her pillow tight. She ached to be held that way again. She was lonely and in need of gentle, yet masterful hands on her body, of a man who wanted her and only her. She wanted to be made love to again by a man that loved her more than anything and put her above everyone else. A man whose touch set her on fire and filled her with an unbridled desire that could only be satisfied by him. She closed her eyes tightly, pulling the pillow in closer to her until the image of that man was clearly in her mind, but it wasn't Matthew. It was Jackson Walker. She pushed the pillow away and rolled over onto her back. She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hand, letting a few tears roll down the sides of her head and onto the bed. If only Matt hadn't been unfaithful, maybe none of this would have happened.
"Who are you kidding, Maddy?" She stared up at the ceiling, silently cursing for allowing herself to be in love with another man. And the love he gave her was no ordinary love. It was powerful, with an intense passion that she would never forget, no matter how hard she tried. It had been almost a year since their one night together and it was still fresh in her mind as if it had happened yesterday. It had been the culmination of the extraordinary circumstances of two people who had found each other again. It was explosive, yet beautifully tender and Maddy was hoping it would bring closure to their love story. Only it wasn't the end of it; it was an evolution. Her unexpected pregnancy had thrown her into the firestorm that had been her life ever since. She wanted to believe it when Matt said he could accept that Wyatt was not his son and live the rest of his life with her and the boys. He had always been a very forgiving man, but this situation may be too much for him to forgive or forget. As much as living apart was affecting Finn, it would be far worse if they reconciled, only to split up again when Matt realized that he couldn't handle that Jackson was Wyatt's son after all.
At that moment, she turned her thoughts to Jackson. He had been in Texas for over a week now and she missed the days he spent with her and the boys. He was an attentive and loving father to Wyatt, making up for the time he lost with Harper. The sheer joy on his face every time he came over to be with the baby made her feel like she had given him something he had desperately needed. Confirming Wyatt's paternity was part of the reason behind her and Matt's break up, but she had made Jackson a very happy man and that was what was most important. He had suffered tremendous loss and he deserved to have some happiness in his life. She wondered if he still thought of their night together as special and beautiful as she did. He may have had a change of heart after the way she attacked him out of nowhere at their last session with Dr. Jenkins. She wanted to apologize to him for that. She had picked up her phone to call him at least a dozen times since he left, but she always lost her nerve. He would be home in another week and she was determined to do it then. He didn't deserve to be treated that way and she would make amends at their next session, if not before. Maybe the next time he came over to see Wyatt would be a good time. He was always smiling and happy when he spent time with her, Finn and the baby.
Just then, the resonating sound of Wyatt's hungry cries came crackling through the baby monitor. She climbed out of bed and padded into the boys room. Finn was still sound asleep, so she gingerly lifted Wyatt out of his crib and spoke to him in a soft, soothing tone while she changed his diaper. Then she carried him over to the rocking chair in the middle of the room, propped her feet up on the little padded stool in front of it and positioned Wyatt to nurse. As usual, he hungrily latched on and suckled away. She leaned back and rocked the chair slowly, humming softly to him. She stroked his hair with her hand and rubbed his back as he made contented, slurping sounds as he ate his early morning breakfast. His dark hair was showing signs of becoming wavy just like Jackson's. He was looking more and more like him every day. Jackson could see it too and remarked on it often. She was certain that Matt could see it. Finn was the spitting image of Matthew. There was no denying that, but Wyatt's looks were completely different from his brother. There was no denying that, either.
As she watched her baby boy nurse, she silently prayed that she would find the answers she needed so that they could all live a life that everyone would be happy with.
Matt threw the covers off, swung his legs out of bed and sat up on the edge of his cot. He had been awake for a couple of hours, his mind preoccupied with Maddy and their session with Dr. Jenkins. It had been less than twenty-four hours since their appointment, but he couldn't stop thinking about what Maddy had said about him moving back home. She had said she would consider it. It wasn't the exact words he wanted to hear, but it was close enough and a step in the right direction.
In the five and a half years since they had been married, they had been separated several times. He questioned if the frequency of these separations indicated that something was innately wrong with their marriage. This one was no different, even though the circumstances surrounding this one were more serious in comparison. From the moment Jackson Walker came back into Maddy's life, Matt had a feeling that their marriage would be coming to an end. Walker is an undeniable force who has a strong hold on Maddy. He could see it in her eyes everytime Walker was around. The way she looks at him, the way he touches her, the way they talk to each other…all have a familiar intimacy to it that made him uncomfortable. Walker still loved Maddy. It was painfully obvious. He tried to keep his feelings in check about it, especially since Gabby was very demonstrative when she showed up at the wake. She pawed at his chest and tried to get him to kiss her before he was able to escort her out of the funeral home. He knew Maddy had seen all of that and was visibly upset by it. He regretted that Isa would have to grow up with her parents living apart from each other, but he felt nothing but disdain for Gabby. He had loved her once, but it wasn't the kind of love that was meant to last. Gabby was a temporary solution to his pain after Hallie died that he mistakenly turned into a marriage proposal. If he had known then that Maddy would be walking back into his life after sixteen years, Gabby Dawson wouldn't have been a blip on his radar. Unfortunately, Jackson Walker would always be a blip on Maddy's.
He pushed that last thought out of his head and decided to concentrate on the breakfast he would be having with his wife and two little boys in a couple of hours. He considered Wyatt his son, too. He had to in order to resume his life with Maddy. Wyatt was a part of her and that was the main reason he knew he could love him like he was his own. He was going to try his damndest to forget that she and Jackson Walker had slept together. It hadn't come as a surprise. He knew in his heart that it would happen. He had wrongly accused them of it at first, but they proved him right eventually. It tore him up inside more than he would ever let on. He kept his negative emotions hidden. It was something he had learned to do at a young age while growing up in his dysfunctional family.. Whenever his father would get drunk and become violent, he would lock all his anger and fear away until it was over. Keeping a level head made him able to help his mother when it was done. He would cautiously open the door to his bedroom and tiptoe out into the darkness of the house until he could hear the unmistakable sound of his father's heavy breathing. It was a sure sign that he had finally passed out. He would find his mother, usually cowering in the corner of her bedroom, shaking and crying. He would help her to her feet, get her cleaned up and would make sure she didn't need medical attention before tucking her into bed for the night. It was that ability to keep a level head that got him to where he was today in the CFD. It was a backhanded and fucked up way to make a career for yourself, but he was a product of his environment, at least in that way. He only wished he could have saved his mother before it was too late. He would never forgive himself for having gone out of town with the school baseball team for an away game that night. If he had stayed home, he might have been able to stop his father. He vowed he would never allow himself to become like that sonofabitch and to this day, he hadn't. Hitting women wasn't in his genetic makeup and he thanked God for that. He had proven Maddy's mother wrong and he regretted that she didn't live to see it.
He got up from the cot and headed for the showers, leaving his emotional baggage in his quarters. They would stay there, tucked away, until he was back on shift in forty-eight hours. For the next two days, he would be solely focused on his family and getting back home to them permanently. It was all he wanted and he would find a way to make it happen.
Jace laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had been in the same position for hours, his body too tired to get up and start the day and his mind too preoccupied to be able to fall back to sleep. The main thought running around in his head had been there for a week now and no matter what he did, he couldn't make it go away. It was Madeleine. It was always Madeleine. She had taken up space in his head since the moment he met her, only this time, his thoughts were filled with feelings of anger and pain. The way she turned on him was completely unexpected and tore through him like a bullet fired from a gun. He had tried to reason it away, making excuses for her behavior, but now all he felt was hostility and disillusionment. For the first time in sixteen years, he was thankful that he was a thousand miles away from her. He had picked up his phone many times to call her, but his temper would always get the best of him and stop him. He wanted to hear her voice, but he didn't want it to erupt into an argument. Distance from her is exactly what he needed now. He never thought in a million years that he would ever feel that way.
If only he didn't love her, he could have moved on with his life. If he had been able to forget her, maybe he could have fallen in love with someone else and he wouldn't be in the predicament he was in right now. He would still have a presence in Harper's life and he might have had more children of his own if he had found another woman to build a life with. There would be no Matthew Casey ripping apart his hopes and dreams. There would be no Madeleine Casey taking up all the space in his heart and his head. She would still be in his life, but he would no longer feel like picking her up and carrying her away every time he saw her. She would be Harper's mother, someone he used to love and nothing more. They would be friends and he would no longer feel the urge to take her in his arms and kiss her breathless. His body would no longer ache for hers, having been satisfied by some other woman he called his wife.
"Goddamn her!" he yelled, sitting up and ripping the bedside table clock from the wall plug and heaving it the wall across the room, sending it shattering into pieces all over the floor. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, trying like hell to get his emotions under control. Being free of her would be the best thing for him, but it would never happen. He loved her too goddamn much and he always would. They shared two children together and that was something that Casey could never take away from him. He tried to imagine a life without her too many times to count, but he couldn't bear the thought of it. He would still have Harper, but if he had made another life for himself instead of chasing after Madeleine, he wouldn't have his beautiful baby boy. Wyatt was part of his redemption and he thanked God for him every day.
He rolled over and pulled one of the pillows close to him. Being in the bed that he and Madeleine shared when they were married brought back a flood of memories from happier days. There were echoes of her everywhere he looked in this house and all over the property…in the kitchen, in the clawfoot bathtub, at the top of the stairs, in the doorway, on the back porch, in the horse barn, in the paddocks, in the blades of grass of the meadow and the dirt under his feet. She would always be with him, permeating his every thought and every step he took. Too many times in the last week, he had reached out for her during the night, thinking she was there with him like she had been so many years ago. He thought about how often he tried to scratch that itch on that goddamn phantom limb over the years. It had been gone for over a decade, but he still felt its presence at times. His feelings for Madeleine were no different. She had been gone from his life for sixteen years and whether he woke up with her beside him or a thousand miles away from him, he still felt her with him everywhere he went and he probably always would.
He rolled over onto his back, rubbed his face with his hands and scratched at his beard. It was getting long and scraggly and he would fix that as soon as showered. He thought back to last October, when Maddy had come to help him get out of the dark place he was in.. She had trimmed his beard while he was in the bath that first night. He was in rough shape back then. He wasn't in his right mind and he almost paid for that with his life. He closed his eyes and quietly thanked God and her for pulling him through. If he had died, he would have never known that Madeleine had given him a son. Harper and that baby boy was what gave him the strength to put his two feet on the floor every morning, no matter what life threw at him. Madeleine had given him two beautiful babies that filled up his empty heart. There was still one part of him that was empty and that was where Madeleine belonged. He couldn't imagine his life without her and he wondered if that husband of hers felt the same way. Jackson doubted it. You don't fuck your ex if you're not fully committed to the person you're married to. It was for that reason that he continued his pursuit of Madeleine. There had to be a crack in the foundation of their marriage that made Madeleine willingly come to his bed that night. It was that thought that kept his dream alive.
He rolled his big body over and swung his legs around to the side of the bed. He sat up and grabbed his prosthetic, strapping it on before he got up to head to the shower. He had promised Harper that they would spend the day together and he was looking forward to that, but he had an important appointment in town first. It was with Joe Carlisle, an old buddy from his army days, who now had a cushy desk job at the recruiting office in Ft. Worth. There was something that Jace wanted to look into and he was hoping that Joe could get him pointed in the right direction. If his instincts were right, it would be a step towards filling up that empty space.