CHAPTER 17

Matt let himself in the back door like he had done a hundred times in the past few years. It felt good to be coming back to this house, even if it was just for the day. It was a few minutes past eight o'clock and the kitchen was still dark, with the exception of the LED lights on the microwave, oven and coffee maker. He could smell the freshly brewed coffee from the moment he opened the kitchen door and it brought a smile to his face. It was a familiar scent that reminded him of the days before Jackson Walker came plummeting into their lives. Either he or Maddy would program the coffee maker before going to bed so they would be sure that the magical brown liquid it produced was ready for them in the morning. They would eat breakfast together at the kitchen table before they left for work. He would help Maddy get Finn into the car so she could bring him over to her father's house, then he would give her a soft, wet kiss before heading to the firehouse. It was the perfect way to start his day and he missed it tremendously. He missed his father-in-law, too. He was a good man and had always approved of his and Maddy's relationship from day one. How he wished he could talk to him one more time, even if it was only to reassure him that he still loved his daughter very much.

He flipped the wall switch on, lighting up the kitchen. Next to the coffee maker, there was a box of pancake mix and a note from Maddy, telling him that the breakfast sausage was in the refrigerator in case she wasn't downstairs when he arrived. She also included her recipe for pancakes from scratch just in case he was feeling particularly ambitious. While reading the note, he was reminded that he used to tell her that she should have been a primary school teacher because her penmanship was so perfect. In turn, she would tell him he should have been a doctor because no one could read his messy henscratch. Still smiling to himself, he put the note down and began to pull out a large skillet and the cast iron griddle from the cabinets. He poured himself a cup of coffee before heading into the dining room to set the table. A faint smile graced his face as he set the plates, glasses and silverware around the large oval oak table. He returned to the kitchen, grabbed the sausages out of the refrigerator and threw them into the skillet. As he was mixing up the batter, Maddy appeared in the kitchen, with the boys in tow.

"Good morning," she said, sleepily. Before he could reply, Finn ran at him and jumped into his arms.

"Daddy!" he yelled, startling Wyatt and making him burst into tears. Maddy smiled weakly at him as she picked the baby up out of the infant seat and began to try to soothe him by gently rubbing his back.

"Hey, big guy," said Matt, kissing him on the side of his head. "Are you hungry?" The toddler nodded his head as Matt moved the sausages around the skillet with a wooden fork. He put Finn down, then poured him some chocolate milk into one of his sippy cups. He handed it to the boy, then took him by the hand and walked into the dining room.

"Good morning, baby. Is everything okay?" he said, as he got Finn situated in his booster seat. She had put the baby in an infant swing and was winding it up.

"Yeah, just a little tired and in need of a shower. This swing has been a lifesaver. Jace brought it over last week and it's helped a lot. It keeps Wyatt quiet, even when Finn is running around yelling like a little maniac, which is most of the time," she said, standing up from the swing and turning around. He marveled at how beautiful she looked, even though she was obviously exhausted. Her blonde hair was pulled up into a twist and held with a clip at the back of her head. She had on a pair of cropped black leggings and an oversized pink tunic with short sleeves. To his eyes, she was perfect, even though he knew she felt less than that at the moment.

"Why don't you go up and jump in the shower right now? I can handle things down here," he said.

"Oh, God…thank you. I won't be long," she said, wrapping her arms around his waist and giving him a hug. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head before she let go of him and ran up the stairs. He went back into the kitchen, stirred the sausages and grabbed Finn a graham cracker from the cupboard. He would remain relatively quiet and sit still a little longer if he had something to eat, which would make finishing breakfast all that much easier. He heated the griddle, plopping a small amount of shortening on it as he grabbed the big platter from the cabinet over the stove. He smiled to himself, remembering all the times he had to retrieve this platter for Maddy. He would always make a wisecrack about how short she was and she would always punch him in the stomach as he reached up for it. They would end up giggling and sharing a soft, deep kiss. He closed his eyes and quietly wished for those days to return.

When the shortening fully melted, he poured the pancake batter by quarter cupfuls onto the hot surface. As the first of the pancakes were cooking, he fixed a cup of coffee and a small glass of orange juice for Maddy and set them by her place at the dining room table. He checked on Finn and Wyatt, making sure they were both content before heading back into the kitchen to finish breakfast. By the time he set the platter full of pancakes and sausage on the dining room table, Maddy had come back downstairs.

"I feel one thousand percent better," she said, as she stood at her place at the table. She picked up her coffee and took several sips of it before moving to fix Finn's plate.

"I've got this, baby. Relax and enjoy your breakfast," he said. He smiled at her, displaying that cute little dimple in his left cheek that she loved so much. He expertly fixed Finn's plate, just like he had done on dozens of Sundays like this. Finn was giggling as he watched Matt cut up his pancake and sausage, then drizzle the syrup on from a foot above his plate. She glanced over at Wyatt, who was sound asleep in his swing. Maybe now she could relax enough to eat her breakfast. She grabbed two pancakes and two sausages from the platter and placed them on her plate. She covered everything in a large puddle of warm maple syrup, then cut a wedge of pancake and a half of a sausage and shoveled them into her mouth. It tasted sweet and savory at the same time and she marveled at how delicious it was. She never seemed to have energy to make pancakes anymore. These days, she was lucky if she remembered to buy frozen waffles at the grocery store.

"I know these pancakes can't compare to yours, but I did the best I could," said Matt, just before taking a forkful of food.

"Don't be silly. They were fantastic. Thank you for cooking," said Maddy, as she sat back sipping her coffee.

"It was my pleasure, baby. It'll be my pleasure to clean up, too. I'm sure this guy is going to want to eat his second breakfast soon," he said, motioning to Wyatt. "Go put your feet up. I'll do the dishes," he said, getting up from the table and picking up his plate. She watched him as he cleared the table and brought the dishes into the kitchen.

She remembered him doing this on many Sundays before this and wondered if he was thinking about those days, too. The infant swing was beginning to slow down, so she cranked the lever a few times to keep Wyatt comfortable until he was ready to nurse. She wiped Finn's face and hands and helped him down from his booster seat. He took off running into the living room to play with his pile of toys. She grabbed his sippy cup and her coffee mug and walked into the kitchen to refill both of them. As she poured chocolate milk for Finn, she watched Matt as he loaded the dishwasher, then washed the griddle and skillet. He had just gotten off of a twenty-four hour shift, yet he insisted on cooking breakfast and cleaning up. It was these little details that reminded her of what a good man he was. He was trying his damndest to make up for the things he had done. She needed to do the same. She wanted to show him that she was making an effort towards a reconciliation. Resuming a normal life was what they both craved. In spite of her strong attachment to Jace, she knew in her heart that being with him would never work, not if Jace didn't see things clearly. They were both too different now and they could never have life the way they had it when they were married. It just wasn't possible.

Wyatt began to squirm and make those familiar little noises of protest, telling her he wanted out of the swing and that it was time for some boob. She sometimes felt like a brood cow, but she wouldn't have it any other way. She walked back into the living room, handed Finn his chocolate milk and set her cup of coffee on the stand next to her chair. She lifted Wyatt out of the swing and carried him over to her chair. She made herself comfortable, then got the baby positioned to nurse. Once he was latched on, Maddy felt as though her nipple was in a vice. He noted how he was eating more frequently and sucking harder than he usually did. He was acting like a ravenous little wildebeest at the breast these last few days, making her keenly aware that he was in a significant growth spurt. She wished that Jace could be here to see how his son was eating and how much he had grown in such a short time. She was suddenly overcome with feelings of guilt for letting herself think about Jace. Today was supposed to be about her, Matt and the boys. She pushed Jace out of her mind and concentrated on the here and now…the baby at her breast, her toddler quietly playing on the floor of the living room and her husband in the kitchen who was cleaning up from their lovely Sunday breakfast. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the back of the overstuffed chair.

"Can I get you anything, baby?" said Matt's soft, reassuring voice as he sat on the footstool next to her stretched out legs. She opened her eyes and looked at him. He looked so handsome in his well-fitting white Captain's shirt. He would have normally changed before leaving the firehouse, but he knew how much she loved to see him in this shirt. He had a faint smile on his face, displaying the dimple on his left cheek perfectly, making her heart leap out of her chest. The love she felt for him was overwhelming. She couldn't have predicted this reaction in a million years, but she loved the way it made her feel.

"I have everything I need right here," she said. His smile immediately widened as he scooted in closer to her. He leaned in close and Maddy instinctively knew what it was he wanted, because she wanted the same thing. She leaned forward, meeting him halfway, until their lips finally met in a perfect, soft kiss.

"I love you," he said, barely above a whisper. He leaned his forehead against hers and cupped the side of her neck with his hand.

"I love you, too," she replied. The feeling of his hands on her skin felt comfortable and reassuring. She had been missing his touch for too long now. "Whose touch do you really miss, Maddy?" She chose to ignore her inner voice's personal and impertinent question. Matt was her husband. Period. End.

"Let me come home, Maddy…please," he said, in a quiet, but pleading voice.

"Matt, I…" Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing and they abruptly pulled away from each other. As Matt got up to see who it was, Maddy quickly burped Wyatt before switching him to the other breast.

"Jesus, that kid is always sucking on a tit!" She heard Em's dulcet tones echo through the relative quiet of the living room. She looked up to see her in the entry hall, holding a white bakery bag. Kelly followed close behind.

"We brought bagels and cream cheese! Did you eat already?" said Em, setting the bag in Maddy's lap.

"Yes, Em. We had pancakes like we do every Sunday that Matt's not on shift. You already know that," said Maddy, sounding more than a little annoyed. She was happy to see Em, but the main reason for this visit was not to bring breakfast; it was to be nosy, plain and simple. Every time she had seen Em since Jace had shown up at the hospital when Wyatt was born, she would press Maddy about the progress she was making in therapy and if she was inching closer to making a decision. Maddy knew her friend well enough that what she really wanted to know was if she and Matt were getting back together. She had been asking Maddy that practically since the minute they separated and now it seemed as though she had roped Kelly into her little scheme. Kelly must have known that Matt was coming over for breakfast today. Maddy was disappointed that Kelly hadn't derailed Em's plans the moment she mentioned it. Perhaps he was quietly hoping for their reconciliation as well.

"Auntie Em!" screeched Finn, as he got up from the floor and made a beeline for her. She scooped him up in her arms and gave him a kiss on the side of his head.

"Hey, Finnster! How's my pal?" she asked.

"Go park, Auntie Em," he said in reply.

"I don't know, Finnster. I'll have to ask Mommy and Daddy about that. I can take the littlest dude, too…if he doesn't need to be attached to a boob," said Em. She looked down at Maddy, silently seeking her permission to take him to the park. In turn, Maddy looked over at Matt, trying to ferret out how he felt about it. This day was supposed to be about time spent with family.

"I suppose it's okay," said Matt. "Just be back before noon. We have plans." Em nodded, then took Finn upstairs to get him dressed, followed closely by Maddy with the baby in tow. Matt went out on the front porch to retrieve the paper with Kelly close behind.

"I'm sorry, bro. I couldn't talk her out of this. I tried, believe me," said Kelly.

"It is what it is…and Em is who she is. No harm, no foul," said Matt, walking back into the house.

"She's been on pins and needles for the last few months, waiting to see if you and Mads are getting back together," said Kelly, sitting down next to him on the couch.

"She's not the only one," said Matt. Kelly patted his best friend on the back, well aware of the struggles he had been going through since the baby had been born.

Maddy walked into the boys room and crossed over to the changing table to change Wyatt's diaper. Em was helping Finn get washed up in the bathroom, so she drew in a few breaths and blew them out, trying to calm herself down. She was more than a little angry at Em for having shown up and disrupting their Sunday together. She had to let Em know that she was pissed, but had to be careful of not showing too much anger in front of Finn. He was too little to understand the scope of the situation. She finished changing Wyatt's diaper and laid him down in his crib while she pulled an outfit for him out of his dresser. She laid the clothes on the changing table, then made sure there were adequate supplies in the diaper bag before getting Wyatt dressed for an outing in the park.

"Time to get dressed, Finnster," said Em as she walked into the bedroom. Finn ran and jumped on his bed while Em searched the closet. "Is there something special you want him to wear, Mads?"

"Shorts and a short sleeved shirt should be fine. It's going to be near ninety today. His socks are in the top drawer and his sneakers are at the foot of the bed," she said in a clipped tone.

"Are you upset about something, Mads?" asked Em. Sometimes, she was completely clueless and Maddy felt her anger rise.

"Yes, Emily. I am very upset," Maddy replied curtly. Before Em could respond, Maddy continued. Her voice remained tight and low. "You knew that Matt was coming over this morning to make breakfast and spend the day with me and the boys and don't pretend you didn't. I'm certain that Matt told Kelly about it. I'm hoping that Kelly tried to talk you out of doing this, but you ignored him, just like you ignore everyone's feelings."

"Mads, I…"

"No, Em…you're going to listen to what I have to say without talking. You have been pestering me for information about me, Matt and Jace for the past few months and to be perfectly honest, it's no one else's business but ours. It's not yours, Kelly's or any of the other firefighters at Fifty One's business. This is between the three of us. It is a complicated and delicate situation and deserves more privacy and respect than you are giving it."

"I want you and Casey to get back together, Mads. I can't help it."

"I know you do, but you're becoming intrusive about it. Matt and I need time together to figure things out, yet you barge in here like it was old times. I love you and I appreciate all you've done to help me with the boys, but from now on, I am going to ask you to keep your distance unless you call first or I call you. No more just showing up unannounced, especially when you know that Matt or Jace is here. Do you understand?" Maddy finished dressing the baby, picked him up and turned around, looking Emily directly in the eye. Emily nodded her head, looking like a disobedient child that had been scolded by her parents.

"And no more asking me how things are going in therapy. When I want you to know something, I'll tell you."

"OK, Mads. Understood. Let's go, Finnster," she said, as she tied the toddler's sneakers. He grabbed her hand and led her out of the bedroom, with Maddy and the baby following behind them. As they watched Em and Kelly leave with the kids in tow, Matt put his arm around Maddy's shoulders and kissed the top of her head.

"I hope you weren't too hard on her," he said.

"Emily responds best to tough love. Trust me," said Maddy, turning and walking into the kitchen. She poured herself another cup of coffee and retreated back to the living room. She stopped in the middle of the room and looked around.

"Do you hear that?" asked Maddy.

"Hear what? I don't hear anything," replied Matt, sitting down on the couch and picking up the paper.

"Exactly. It's completely quiet," she said, breaking into a smile. Matt patted the cushion next to him and Maddy dutifully sat next to him. He handed her the entertainment section of the paper while he settled in to catch up on sports. Maddy took a sip of her coffee, then shifted her body around sideways with her legs folded in front of her. She spread the paper out on her lap and began to skim through the articles. She finished her coffee, then folded up the paper and laid it on the coffee table. Suddenly feeling sleepy, she stretched her arms up and laid out on the couch with her legs still folded.

"Let me," Matt said as reached over and gently pulled her legs onto his lap. He began massaging her feet. Maddy could only moan in response.

"Oh, God. That feels so good," she said.

"Just lay back and enjoy it," he said.

"By the way, what plans do we have for this afternoon? You mentioned it to Em before they left," asked Maddy.

"I thought we'd drive out to the house so I could show you the progress on it, then take a drive and have an early dinner somewhere. Just like we used to," he said.

"That would be nice," said Maddy, taking her legs off of Matt's lap and sitting up on her knees. Matt suddenly grabbed her around the waist and pulled her onto his lap. He stroked her face, then held her neck, pulling her face in close to his.

"What are you doing, Captain?" said Maddy, breathlessly. She looked into his familiar blue-green eyes and was reminded of just how much and how long she had loved him. Her arousal surprised her, having not felt the least bit sexual since Wyatt was born. Yet, here she was, wanting her husband to make love to her after months of dreaming about being with Jace. Was this the sign she had been looking for or just the culmination of having gone months without a man's touch?

"I'm kissing my wife. Is that okay?" he said, leaning in close until their lips were only millimeters away from each other.

"Oh, yes," said Maddy, her voice barely above a whisper. He covered her mouth with his and gently pushed his tongue between her eager lips. His hands were holding her at the back of her head. He reached up and pulled the clip out, letting her long blonde hair cascade down her back. She clutched at his shoulders, digging her nails into the white material of his Captain's shirt. He slowly shifted her around and laid her down on the couch, positioning himself between her legs, which she wrapped around the back of his thighs. He pushed his arms underneath her and pulled her up close, pressing his face into her neck and placing soft kisses on her skin.

"I miss you so much, Maddy. Please let me come back home," he said, looking into her eyes.

"I miss you too, Matthew. It's just that…" Her voice trailed off and she turned her face away from his.

"Tell me, baby," he said, turning her face back towards his.

"This is going to sound incredibly selfish, especially after all the things I've done, but I need to feel like me and the boys are the most important things in your life. Aside from the fire service, of course, which I know you're fiercely dedicated to. Am I making any sense at all?" A soft smile slowly graced his features, revealing the dimple in his left cheek. Maddy reached up and gently touched it with her fingertips.

"Maddy, you have always been the most important thing in my life since we were sophomores in high school. I know our life together has been disrupted, but that's my fault as much as anyone's."

She wanted to mention Gabby and baby Isa, but it was not the right time. Maddy knew that he would have to spend time with his daughter, as well as Finn and Wyatt. They would all have to learn to be a blended family, at least on some level. Maddy still wasn't sure she could handle that, but if Matt promised her that their family would come first in his life, she would do everything in her power to deal with it the best she could.

"I promise to always love you and the boys and any other babies we have with my whole heart." Maddy felt the air leave her lungs as the last few words left Matthew's mouth. She hadn't thought about having more children after Wyatt's birth, especially since she was almost forty years old.

"Other babies?"

"Yeah, don't you want more babies?"

"I'm nearly forty, Matt…and I already have three children," she said, matter of factly.

"But two of them are with him," said Matt, sounding irritated. He pushed himself off her and got up from the couch. Maddy sat up and straightened her clothing. She wiped her cheeks with her hands and tried to compose herself before standing up and beginning to speak.

"I see we're back to that. I thought we had moved on from this, Matthew. More importantly, I thought you had moved on from this. Isn't that what you keep trying to convince me of?"

His face fell as he realized the significance of what he had said and the potential damage it could do to his and Maddy's future.

"Maddy, wait…that didn't come out right." He rushed the words out of his mouth as fast as he could without stumbling over them.

"Seems to me that it came out exactly as you were thinking, Matthew. Do you think that by having another baby with me, it'll somehow even things up between you and Jackson? I hope to God that I'm wrong, because that would be childish and stupid, not to mention incredibly insulting to me and my worth as a woman. I'm not a goddamn broodmare," she said, sounding more angry now.

"No, baby…that's not what I meant. I only meant that I would love to have another child with you…if…if we were to get back together. I understand your feelings and we would certainly discuss it, but I can't help the way I feel. It has little to do with Jackson Walker and a lot to do with us." Matt knew it had more to do with Jackson Walker then he would ever let on. The fact that it was demeaning to Maddy never crossed his mind until now. She meant more to him than just someone who could bear him children. He was ashamed of himself for thinking that way.

"OK, then I can't help the way I feel either. The fact that you had a baby with Gabby Dawson makes me physically sick whenever I think about it. It's no secret to anyone that we hate each other. She is a woman that has gone out of her way to upset me, most recently at my father's funeral, for Christ's sake! She's been a wedge between us since we started this relationship, Matthew! And just for the record, Jackson would never do something like that to you," she said, her chest heaving as she spoke. He took a step towards her, but she put her hand up, signaling him to stop.

"Maddy, please listen to me. It's no secret that I am jealous of Jackson Walker. I have told you that many times. He married you first and I wanted to be the man to do that, so if I sometimes say things like I just said, it's because of that. It's nothing more."

She looked down at the floor and tried to calm her breathing. She took several deep breaths, but she felt as though she were drowning, surrounded by swirling water that threatened to suck her down. After nearly three months of therapy, her life was still as uncertain now as it had been when she started. She was still struggling with the same issues and so was Matt, in spite of his protest otherwise. She wanted to reconcile with Matt, but she would have to accept Isa and Gabby as a part of their life and Matt would have to accept Wyatt and Jackson. That was the vortex that would constantly try to take them down and it would take all of their strength to fight against it.

"And that is part of what will keep us apart, Matthew," she said. She picked her coffee cup up from the table and walked towards the kitchen. Matt grabbed her arm as she passed him, gently stopping her from moving. He took the cup from her hand and put it back down on the table. He took her by both arms and pulled her in front of him.

"You know I love you, Maddy. You also know that I will do anything I can to make this work."

"And you think saying things like that or having another baby will 'make this work'?" she said, making quotation marks in the air with her fingers.

"No, of course not. It's just a thought I had. I know we're still working on things."

Before she could move away from him, he pulled her in close to his body. This time, he felt her resistance to his embrace. She was always like this when she was fired up. It was one of the things he loved about her. He rubbed her back for a few seconds and he felt her take in a deep breath and her muscles relax. She laid her head on his chest and wrapped her arms loosely around his waist. Just a few minutes ago, they were wrapped in each other's arms and sharing passionate kisses, which made his body ache for her. It had been months since they'd made love and he wanted her now as much as he ever did. He thought he felt the same passion in her while they were laying together on the couch, but the moment had passed. Maybe he imagined her willing response to his touch because he had wanted it so badly. He hoped to God he was wrong.

"I think you should go," she said quietly while she pulled away from him.

"But this is my day to spend with you and the boys," he replied. "Please don't take that away from me because I said something stupid. I'm struggling with this separation and I've been saying a lot of things that I shouldn't." His voice was cracked with emotion and Maddy thought she could see tears welling up in his eyes. She immediately felt terrible for suggesting he leave. She pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes and rubbed her face, as if she were wiping away the hardened part of her that had asked him to go.

"Why does all of this have to be so goddamn hard?" was all she could manage to say before the tears came. She was so tired of crying, so tired of being angry, so tired of being scared and undecided and so tired of trying to do all of this alone. She considered herself a strong woman, but her strength was beginning to falter and Matt could sense that. He wanted to make all of her insecurities go away and he instinctively pulled her back into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest. She took a few deep breaths in, trying to regain her composure before she spoke.

"You can stay, Matthew. I'm sorry for saying you had to leave, but his competition with Jackson has to end or you and I will never make things work. He will always be in our lives and you have to deal with that. It's no different than what I will have to deal with," she said. He pulled her in, holding her tightly against him until he could feel the rise and fall of her chest against his. He kissed the top of her head and gently ran his hands up and down her back.

"I will work on it, I promise," he whispered. It was a promise he intended to keep. "And there is no competition between you and Gabby, Maddy. You will always win." She wanted to believe him and she knew he would try his damndest to give her what she wanted in order to make things work between them. She just wasn't sure if she could do the same.