CHAPTER 19

"I'm so sorry I ended Jace's and my last session so abruptly, Dr. Jenkins. I had so much on my mind, what with my father's funeral and all," said Maddy, as she took a seat in front of the psychiatrist's desk. Jace took the seat next to hers and placed the infant carrier between them. Wyatt had just been fed and had fallen asleep, hopefully giving them at least an hour of uninterrupted discussion.

"It's no problem, Maddy. I know how stressed you must have been. I know I told you this already, but it was a beautiful service."

"Thank you. It helped me tremendously to see so many people from city hall attending, including the mayor. It's nice to know that my father was that well liked and respected. That and being surrounded by the people I love the most made the pain of saying goodbye to him a little easier."

"I noticed that your daughter was there, too." She glanced over at Jace, who had remained silent since they walked into Dr. Jenkins' office.

"That was arranged by Jackson. It was a welcomed surprise," she said, reaching out for Jace's hand. He grabbed her fingers and held onto them tightly. His steely blue eyes were welling up, but he remained as quiet as a guard at Buckingham Palace.

"Jackson, do you have anything you want to add?" The big man shifted in his chair, never letting go of Maddy's hand.

"I just figured that Jim was Harper's grandfather and that she should pay her respects, even if they didn't really know each other," said Jace. "It was also an opportunity for Harper to see her mother and baby brothers and to put a much needed smile on Madeleine's face."

"It was lovely," said Maddy, smiling broadly at him.

"Where would you like to start today, Maddy?" asked Dr. Jenkins.

"There are issues that I need to shed some light on that directly involve Jace. I unexpectedly hit him with it when we left here a couple of weeks ago."

"Hit me? More like t-boned me with a Mack truck," said Jackson.. He leaned forward and placed his forearms on his thighs. His long hair fell all around him, almost like a protective shield against the things they were about to discuss.

"What happened?" asked Dr. Jenkins, looking puzzled.

"In a nutshell, she blames me for all the shit that's happened in her life," said Jackson, clearly sounding annoyed.

"That's not exactly true, Jace," she countered.

"Isn't it, Cook? You made it very clear who you're laying the blame to for everything bad that's happened to you. You can't deny that."

"Can one of you explain, please?" asked Dr. Jenkins, sounding increasingly frustrated.

"She told me that my going back to Iraq for a second tour is the reason why everything in her life fell apart."

"Everything in both of our lives, not just mine," said Maddy, turning her head to face Dr. Jenkins. "We had an argument about him going back for a second tour of duty. I didn't want him to go. I was almost seven months pregnant and had a bad feeling that something would happen to him if he went back there."

"She started having these feelings when she got pregnant, what do you call them...umm…" said Jace, trying to find the right word.

"Premonitions?" asked Dr. Jenkins.

"Yeah, that's it. I didn't pay it any mind. I just thought it was a little paranoia that was part of being pregnant."

"Whether they were real premonitions or total bullshit, you should have listened to your pregnant wife and stayed with her," said Maddy, sounding angry.

"I had a duty to my country, Madeleine. A duty that had been taken away from me by my father years before," he said, through tight lips.

"You had a duty to your wife and unborn daughter, not to mention Rocking Horse...all of which you lost because of your insistence on going back to that hell hole," countered Maddy.

"I was captured by Iraqi soldiers, Madeleine! You know that." His voice was thin and tight. He didn't want to be angry with her, but he was bordering on an explosion. He wanted to remind her that he had regained Rocking Horse and their daughter since he came back home. She was the only thing missing from his life that he had before he went to war.

"But I didn't know that then! I only found out when you suddenly reappeared and came back to Texas. Your death was nearly the end of me, Jackson," she said, breaking down in a full-blown sob.

"And how the hell do you think I felt, Madeleine? I couldn't get word to you that I was still alive, that it had all been a mistake! By the time I was found, years had passed and I was so fucked up that I didn't know who the hell I was, for Christ's sake! Even my captors didn't know who I was because I was wearing the wrong goddamn dog tags! When I finally got stateside, I found out that you had moved out of Texas and that our baby girl had been given to Junior and his wife. I lost every fucking thing I ever had, Madeleine…the memories of which helped keep me alive over there. Do you know what it was like to come back to having none of that left? I was fucking devastated."

"Neither of us would have been devastated if you had stayed," she countered in a low, tight voice.

"This is getting us nowhere," said Dr. Jenkins. "Maddy, you don't honestly believe that you married Stephen Gage solely because you lost Jackson, do you?"

"No, that's not the only reason...but it's definitely one of the reasons. Stephen Gage would never have been in my life if Jace hadn't left it."

"What do you want me to do, Madeleine? Get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness for doing something that I felt was important to do in this fucked up world? Jesus Christ, I cannot believe this! I had no way of knowing what was going to happen. How could I?"

"You couldn't, Jackson. It wasn't under your control," interjected Dr. Jenkins.

"Before you took me to Texas, you made a promise to me to never leave me alone in this world and you failed, just like Matthew failed me and Stephen Gage before him. The only man who never failed me is now gone forever from my life, which is exactly why I need to be alone with my children. No man is worth my time or effort," she said, surprising herself.

"Then what the fuck am I doing here, Madeleine? Did I just waste the last few months coming here? I did it because you asked me to be a part of figuring out what it is you want and now you're telling me that I'm not worth your time? Well, fuck this." He stood up, pushing the chair backwards with such force that it fell over backwards, waking up Wyatt and making him whimper. He thanked Dr. Jenkins for his time, turned on his heels and stormed out of the office, slamming the door as he left. He never said a word to Madeleine before he left.

"I guess I deserved that. I did the same thing to him a couple of weeks ago," said Maddy.

"OK, Maddy...I have to ask you this now that Jace is gone...are you purposely trying to push him away?"

"Maybe. Probably. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I thought I knew what direction I was heading in, but after this past week, I'm not so sure. Recently, it felt like Matt and I were getting closer. He was so helpful to me after my father's death and everything that had to be done. But when Gabby Dawson showed up at the wake with her and Matt's daughter, it was a slap in the face and a stark reminder of why we're still separated," said Maddy, wiping her eyes with a tissue.

"But Matt addressed that issue, didn't he?"

"Yes, but the whole thing unnerved me. Seeing her and the baby with Matt...it must be the same thing Matt feels when he sees Jace and me with Wyatt."

"Do you think going back with Matt is the right thing to do, solely because he's your husband? At your last session together, you seemed closer to making a move in that direction."

"Not solely, but It makes the most sense, Dr. Jenkins. It was a comfortable life and no one would be in an uproar any more."

"Who are you doing this for, Maddy? Your feelings have to be considered, too."

"I have to do what's best for everyone, not just me."

"You'd still have to deal with the issue of Matt fathering a child with Gabby Dawson. That won't just go away."

"Just like Matt will have to deal with Wyatt being Jackson's son. Christ, I am so tired of going round and round about this."

"And what about Jackson?"

"Jackson can take care of himself. He always has," she said, wiping her eyes.

"But you obviously still love each other."

"But that's not a sufficient enough reason to make a complete change in my life. He and I could never recreate the life we had when we first met and I'm afraid that's all he imagines. I'm not the same twenty-three year old girl he married. We've both changed too much. It wouldn't work now. Besides, he's royally pissed off at me right now. You saw the way he stomped out of here. And Matt loves me, too and he's the man I'm married to. He's the one I had a life with before all of this. I can't forget that."

"No, no you can't."

Maddy rose from her chair and picked up the baby, who was now in a full blown wail. She laid him down on one of the soft cushions of the leather sofa and changed his diaper. She sat down on the couch, with her legs crossed underneath her and lifted her shirt to feed him. Once Wyatt was latched on and he was quieted, she could feel the stress slowly drain from her body. Nursing him was one of the only times she felt all of her problems melt away.

"Have you asked Jace about child support yet?"

"No, it was something I was going to bring up today, but with him storming off, I'm not so sure I want to ask him anything right now. I think it's best to let him cool off first."

Dr. Jenkins nodded his head and scribbled something down on his pad while Maddy continued to feed the baby. Her body may have been calmed, but her head was still spinning. She didn't want to be wedged so tightly between Jace and Matt. It was a position she didn't ask to be in, but her carelessness brought her to this point. Being with Matt was the most sensible thing to do for everyone. Everyone except Jace. Being with Jace would be the best thing for Harper and Wyatt, but Matt would be on the losing end. Being alone was the easiest thing to do and it would be the fairest thing to do for Jace, Matthew and her children. She had the option to live off the money that her father left her, without support from either man. But she was concerned that turning down Matt's offer would hurt his pride and push them further apart.

The gap between her and Jace had been effectively widened in the last few minutes and that was probably a good thing. The more emotional distance there was between them, the better. Their love had been intensely passionate, almost from the moment they met. Everything about their life together had happened so fast that she felt never had a realistic grasp of any of it. They had lived in a perfect little fairytale for the two years they were together. There was no way of recreating that and Jace had to come to terms with that. She couldn't allow herself to have feelings for him, at least not to the level where it was interfering with doing what she knew was right. If she only knew what right really was. It still wasn't clear in her head. After nearly three months of therapy, she was not much closer to knowing. She had been determined to make it work with Matt, but after last Sunday's little blip, she had serious doubts. She wished Matt could see that Gabby Dawson was a bigger problem in their lives than Jace Walker would ever be.

"A couple of weeks ago, you and Matt were close to reconciling. What happened to make you change your mind about that?"

"Some of the things that Matt said last Sunday when he came over to spend the day with us. He mentioned that he might want to have another baby and when I resisted that, he made some crack about two of my children being Jackson's. Everything was fine until then."

"Just…fine?" asked Dr. Jenkins. Maddy switched the baby to her other breast and took a deep breath in.

"To be honest, it didn't feel the same as it used to before Matt and I separated. There were moments that it felt amazing, just like before all of this mess happened. But there were times when it felt awkward, too. We were both trying too hard, if that makes any sense."

"He wants to move back home with you and the boys, Maddy. He's made that abundantly clear."

"I know that, but his coming back home comes with so many things that would impede us being a happy family again. I'm more certain now that this jealousy Matt feels towards Jackson will never go away. And I have my own personal burdens, which is why I said that everyone would be better off if I made the decision to be alone. I wouldn't have to take any money from either Matt or Jace. I think it would be better for my peace of mind and overall mental health, don't you?"

It was a revelation that Dr. Jenkins had not expected to hear. Her eyes were begging him to agree with her. She wanted someone to validate how she was feeling, but he couldn't bring himself to agree with her. At least not completely. She had a strong attachment to both men and not living with either of them would possibly set her up for more emotional issues. In his professional capacity as her therapist, he didn't feel that Maddy was emotionally strong enough to handle the pressures of single parenthood, in spite of her financial stability. If she were to undertake it, she would need some kind of additional help, at least temporarily. Professionally, she was a mentally strong and capable woman. By all accounts from her colleagues at Lakeshore, she ran her department with precision, intelligence and fairness. She was well respected in her position. But having known her since her early twenties, he wasn't fully confident that her mental state could handle this new chapter in her life. When it came to matters of the heart, she was torn in two directions and her determination to do things alone could lead to her being more in turmoil than she was now.

His perception of Matt was that he was a level-headed, no nonsense kind of a guy. He obviously regretted the indiscretion with his ex-wife and wanted to make that up to Maddy. Prior to this one error in judgment, he had been a dedicated husband and father, which was remarkable given his upbringing. So many young men who were raised in a household with domestic violence turn out to be abusers themselves. By all accounts, Matt had managed to sidestep that pitfall and that would serve him well in his effort for a reconciliation. However, there was the matter of his fathering a child as a result of his affair. His love for his wife was apparent during their sessions together, but so was his intense dislike of Jackson Walker. Dr. Jenkins agreed with Maddy on that. He felt that singular issue would continue to plague their marriage above all of the others. He believed that Matt would be true to his word that he would love Wyatt as if he were his own son. He had watched him several times positively interacting with the baby over the last couple of months. Unfortunately, Dr. Jenkins was certain that there would always be a war of wills between him and Jackson Walker and that would eventually take its toll on his and Maddy's marriage.

Jackson Walker was a different story entirely. He was larger than life and was an imposing force in both Maddy and Matt's lives. His emotions guided his actions, rather than his ability to think things through first. He could be a reasonable man, but he was used to getting his way. He wants what he wants when he wants it, plain and simple. He is classically reactive rather than proactive most of the time. That was never more on display than it was a few moments ago when he walked out of the office. He expected he would eventually regret his actions once he cooled off and came to his senses. Jackson was a lot smarter than most people realized. Under his tough cowboy exterior, his soft underbelly was exposed whenever he looked at Maddy and their son. His love for her and their children surpassed anything that Dr. Jenkins had ever been witness to before. He was fiercely protective of the memories of his and Maddy's relationship and their time together. He seemed to cling to them as if they were a life preserver, giving him the courage he needed so he could deal with the stark fact that Maddy was married to someone else.

"I think it's time I talk to Jackson and Matt together," he said, after scribbling down a lengthy note and peering over his glasses at her. She was rubbing the baby's back, trying to get him to burp, when the look on her face went from peaceful to fearful.

"Do you think that's a good idea, Dr. Jenkins? It could be like throwing gasoline on a fire," she said, her voice shaking slightly.

"Don't worry, Maddy. I have plenty of fire extinguishers at my disposal," he replied. The soft smile on his face unexpectedly reassured her that he would take control of the situation if he needed to. She nodded her head as she continued to pat the baby's back. She had to trust that he was doing the right thing. If she didn't have faith in her psychiatrist, then she would have wasted the last few months, too. She was relieved that she wouldn't be there to witness the carnage.

"Jace may refuse to come back to therapy. You saw the way he left here." Dr. Jenkins thought for a moment before replying. Maddy may have been right on some level, but he thought that Jace might respond to him, knowing that Maddy wouldn't be present for the session. More importantly, he felt that Jace would jump at the opportunity to be in the same room as Matt Casey. He was certain that there were many things these two men would like to say to each other.

"There's only one way to find out. I'll give him some time to calm down before I approach him," replied the doctor. She opened her mouth to say something about the twelfth of never, but she decided against it. This was Dr. Jenkins' ballgame, not hers and Jace and Matt would be the principal players.