CHAPTER 21

Both men shifted uncomfortably in their chairs in front of Dr. Jenkins' desk. They had each been in this office multiple times, but never together. The tension in the air was thick, even though neither man said a word. The only sounds emitted by either of them was an occasional cough or sniffle. Jace continually tucked his hair behind his right ear, while Matt kept his hands folded on his lap. Neither man looked at the other. They both stared straight ahead or down at the floor.

"Sorry I'm a little late, gentleman. I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long." Dr. Jenkins' voice suddenly boomed behind them. Both men shook their heads but still didn't open their mouths to speak. "I appreciate the both of you coming," continued the doctor. "I know this isn't easy for either of you."

"Can I ask why this was necessary?" asked Matt, finally breaking the awkward silence.

"Maddy is very concerned about the relationship between the two of you. It seems to be one of the sticking points in her reconciliation, if you will. Suppose I start by asking each of you the same question…how do you feel about each other? What is your relationship with each other like?" Both men drew in deep breaths, shifted again in their chairs and looked around the room, not focusing on anything in particular.

"OK, I'm just gonna say this…I resent him," said Matt, looking directly at Dr. Jenkins.

"Tell us why," said the doctor.

"It's simple…he married Maddy before I could."

"But you're married to her now, Matt," said Dr. Jenkins.

"True, but he's a threat to that,' said Matt.

"You're more of a threat to your marriage than I am," muttered Jace. Matt whipped his head to the left and glared at the big man sitting next to him.

"Explain what you mean by that, Jace," said the doctor.

"It's simple," he said, spitting out the words and purposely mocking Matt, "He screwed around on Madeleine. No man does that to the woman he loves. He can blame me all he wants, but the real blame lies with him."

"And if you hadn't come back here and disrupted our lives, none of this would have ever happened, so I can blame you, Walker."

"I'm not denying that my coming back here fucked things up for you, but you made the choice to sleep with your ex-wife. That wasn't my fault, pal. I wasn't standing behind you, pushing you into bed with her, for Christ's sake!"

"No, but you were behind Maddy, pushing her into bed with you, weren't you?" spouted Matt, sounding increasingly angry.

"I didn't have to push her. Since I've known her, she's been emotionally wrecked by you twice. She told me she needed to be in the arms of a man who loved her unconditionally. If you want to know the truth of it, she's the one that touched first! She took me to bed and she was more than willing, trust me," countered Jace.

"And you willingly followed her, not even considering that she's married," Matt spat out.

"You're goddamn right I did. I've dreamt about touching her for the last fifteen years and you just threw her away…not once, but twice, you stupid motherfucker!"

"I didn't throw her away, you sonofabitch!" yelled Matt, as he sprang up from his chair.

"Gentlemen, please!" said Dr. Jenkins, sternly. He stood up and walked around to the front of his desk. "This anger isn't serving anyone's purpose but your own." Matt sat back down in his chair, but he was still seething with anger. He took a few moments to compose himself before speaking.

"I made a mistake. I was angry and hurt by what I saw and I jumped to the wrong conclusion. Haven't you ever made a mistake, for Christ's sake?" He directed the question at Jace. Jace drew in a deep breath and blew it out slowly before he answered. He didn't have to think about his reply.

"Leaving Madeleine and our unborn baby girl to go back to Iraq for a second tour. That's a mistake that fucked up my entire life. If I had stayed like she had asked me, she'd still be my wife and not yours."

"I guess you'll just have to live with that for the rest of your life," said Matt, purposely sounding nasty.

"Just like you'll have to live with what you've done to Madeleine that sent her back into my arms," countered Jace. Dr. Jenkins sensed another confrontation was about to happen, so he quickly interjected.

"Look, you both have the right to be angry, but this session isn't supposed to be solely about the hostility you feel towards each other. I am well aware of what you have both lost and endured."

"What the hell has he ever lost?" shouted Jace. Dr. Jenkins directed his gaze at Matt, seeking silent permission to speak about his childhood. Matt reluctantly nodded his head.

"Matt has gone through some very difficult things in his life, Jackson, and all before he turned eighteen. His father was an alcoholic who routinely beat Matt's mother, until one night when it went too far. He ended up killing her and went to prison. He's currently serving a life sentence at Stateville Correctional Center. Because Matt was still a minor, he was sent to live with an aunt and uncle out in Arizona until he was twenty-one. So you see, he has experienced great loss."

Jace was silent. He hung his head low, looking down at his lap. He rubbed his hands up and down his thighs a few times, trying to digest what he had just heard. He vaguely remembered his father telling him about this when Madeleine and he first met. His father always did a thorough background check on anyone that his sons had a relationship with, purely in the interest of protecting his assets. After a brief silence, he spoke.

"I owe you an apology, Casey. I'm sorry I assumed that you never had any shit in your life. I didn't know," he said, his voice low and conciliatory.

"Well, now you do know. My being dragged away from Chicago was the reason I lost touch with Maddy. Because of the nature of my mother's death and out of respect for my family, it was kept out of the media. The trial was held outside of the city for that reason. My sister and I were under court orders not to talk about it with anyone. That's why I couldn't contact Maddy. It tore me up inside not being able to talk with her, to let her know where I was, especially during that time because I needed to hear her voice more than I ever did. Maddy represents everything good in my life. I knew she would be the only person that wouldn't judge me because of what my father did. She was my safety net back then and she still is."

Jace immediately felt a sense of sadness for Matt and that was something he never expected. Matt Casey represented nothing more to him than an incredible sense of envy he felt towards him because he was now Madeleine's husband and for the intense anger he had hung on to for him being unfaithful to her. Now, he saw him a little differently. Matt was a man who had experienced deep pain and loss, too, and he gained a slight respect for him. Jace found it interesting how Matt referred to Madeleine as his safety net and not the love of his life. He would never refer to her as his safety net. If anything, he was hers, especially since she always turned to him whenever Matt hurt her.

"So now we know that each of you has experienced great loss in your lives. You're not as unalike as you would like to believe," said Dr. Jenkins. "Now, I want each of you to tell me what you think the inherent issue is when it comes to you and Maddy…the one main thing that is or could potentially be your downfall. Jace, we'll start with you."

The big man ran his hands over his face, took in a deep breath, tucked his long hair behind his ear and shifted in his chair. He knew the one problem that existed between him and Madeleine was the man sitting in the chair next to him. If Madeleine hadn't been married to him, there would be nothing standing in his way to having her for himself. He had struggled with this since he came back to the states and had learned that Madeleine had moved on with her life. He had to be careful how he worded what he needed to say. The last thing he wanted to do was to make this rivalry any worse.

"I have loved Madeleine since the moment I saw her. I have tried to forget her through therapy and even self-denial. I even tried to take my own life because I didn't want to live without her. I'm a lot stronger than that mentally now, and I wish I could move on, but it's just not something I'm capable of doing. I haven't been with any other woman since I met her. She gave me real love for the first time in my life and that's a hard thing to get over. If I could learn to be in the same room with her without feeling that fucking ache I've felt since the day I left for Iraq, I know it would be easier for everyone. If I could live my life without constantly thinking about her or wanting to take her in my arms, have a life with her and our two babies…then maybe everything wouldn't be such a goddamn mess…but she is the greatest love of my life and nothing will ever change that. I have been afforded a lot of luxuries in my life and I am well aware of the privileges I have, but I would give it all up just to have her back," Jace sniffed as he ran his hands over his face. He would be damned before he would lose his emotions in front of Matt Casey. He was not ashamed to cry, but he had to remain in control of himself. He turned his head away from him, choosing to focus on one of the pillows that decorated the couch on the far left wall of the office. It was beige and rectangular shaped, with small pink and blue flowers embroidered on it. He remembered Madeleine using it several times to prop their baby son on when she nursed him during their appointments. He closed his eyes in an effort to stop the tears that had been threatening to spill out onto his cheeks and her face popped into his head. Madeleine would always be his one and only and he didn't care if that pissed off her husband.

"She's the love of my life, too," said Matt. His voice was so low, it was almost inaudible. Jace turned his head around to see Matt looking directly at him. He had a determined look on his face. He had always looked like too serious a man to Jace, as if he didn't have it in him to smile or laugh or joke around. Jace wanted to say something about people not fucking around on the loves of their lives, but decided to keep his mouth shut.

"She's my safety net, like I said," Matt continued. "She always made me feel happy and at peace, which was in stark contrast to my homelife. She was my whole world."

"Was?" asked Dr. Jenkins, scribbling something down in his notebook.

"Is…she is my whole world. She has been since the day we bumped into each other in the Lincoln Park High library."

"Yet, you went on to have two other serious relationships after you lost touch with each other. You were engaged to one and married to the other," said Jace. Matt looked surprised that Jace knew that.

"Yeah, I did. You got a problem with that?" asked Matt, sounding increasingly annoyed.

"Yeah, I do. You say she's the love of your life, but you had no problem moving on without her with several other women. How the hell could you do that? I sure as hell couldn't."

"Meaning what…that you somehow love Maddy more than I do because you weren't able to get it up for anyone else but her? Like I believe that anyway. A man like you doesn't go without a woman in his bed for very long," said Matt, sounding mean and sarcastic. Jace looked down at this lap and chuckled softly to himself. He shook his head in disbelief that Casey would strike such a low blow. He fought with himself not to tell him that he got it up for Madeleine twice and brought her to orgasm multiple times the one night they were together. How he longed to wipe that smug look off Matt Casey's face, but he knew that Madeleine wouldn't approve. Neither would she approve of the way Matt was speaking to him.

"I don't give a fuck if you believe it or not," said Jace in a low, tight voice. His anger was bubbling just under the surface. If Casey said one more insulting thing to him, Jace was going to blow up and it wouldn't be pretty.

"Matt, come on, don't go there," said Dr. Jenkins, gently scolding him. Matt immediately felt regret at having said those things.

"I'm sorry, Jace. That was way out of line. I shouldn't have said that. It's just that this is all so goddamn hard." Jace nodded his head slightly, acknowledging his apology.

"You both love the same woman. Nothing about this is easy, gentlemen," said Dr. Jenkins. " And Maddy's world has gotten more difficult, too, hasn't it?" Dr. Jenkins posed the question to both men. Both men nodded their heads in agreement. "The question is what does Maddy want to do about that, isn't it?"

"Do you know what it is she wants, Dr. Jenkins?" asked Matt, pressing his middle finger and thumb into his eyes. In his heart, Matt knew the sway that the man sitting next to him had over his wife. Maddy still had feelings for him and that was further solidified by the fact that they had two children and a previous life together.

"From our sessions together over the last few months, I can see which way Maddy is leaning. However, whether or not I know is not important. You both have to hear it from Maddy, not me."

"I'm afraid to ask her, to be honest," said Matt.

"So am I," said Jace. "There's such a heavy sense of finality to it and once it's said, there's no going back."

"I know, but ultimately, it has to be said so all of you can get on with your lives," said Dr. Jenkins. "Do you think the two of you can put your differences aside for both your sake and Maddy's? You also both have children to consider in this situation."

Both men shook their heads and rose up from their chairs. Each of them shook the doctor's hand. He thanked them for coming in, stating that he knew it was a difficult thing for them to do and that he appreciated their effort. He ended by saying that he knew Maddy would appreciate it, too. Jace opened the door, with Matt following close behind. As they walked out into the parking lot, Matt touched Jace on the arm.

"Hey, Jace…again, I'm sorry about the things I said in there. Emotions are running at an all time high right now," said Matt, holding out his hand to Jace. The big man looked down at the hand extended in front of him, staring at it for a few seconds before grasping it in his own.

"I said some things I shouldn't have, either, but I think we both knew that was likely to happen, given the circumstances."

"In spite of what you may think, Jace…I don't hate you," said Matt.

"I don't hate you either, Matt."

"You wanna grab a beer before I go pick up Finn?" Jace hesitated for a moment before answering him. He didn't fully trust Matt and wasn't sure what his motives might be.

"Sure, I could use a cold one."

"Some of your firehouse buddies own this place, huh?" asked Jace, looking around Molly's as he sat at the bar sipping a Guinness.

"Several of them went in on it together eight or nine years ago. They've done a great job, even expanding to outdoor seating in the back," answered Matt, taking a swig from his long neck bottle. It was near ninety degrees and the combination of the air conditioning and ice cold beer felt like a haven from the inferno outside. He didn't mind the company, either, which took him by complete surprise. Jace smiled and nodded his head as he turned his beer can around on the coaster in front of him.

"What do you think Madeleine would think about us having a beer together?" he asked without looking up. Matt took in a breath and blew it out slowly. He cupped his hands around his bottle of beer, then turned his head to look at Jace.

"I think she would say that this is progress and she would be very happy about it," said Matt. A faint smile crossed his face as the image of Maddy smiling came to mind. He realized it had been a long time since he had seen her smile and that saddened him. Both he and the man sitting next to him had played a part in that.

"Yeah, she always tries to see the good in everyone…always full of fire and passion for people. It's part of what drew me to her," said Jace, his voice low and full of emotion.

"I can't imagine her not being a social worker anymore. It's what she was born to do," said Matt.

"True, but she's also a hell of a Momma. Seems she was born to do that, too."

"Absolutely. She's a great mom," said Matt, tipping the bottle up to his mouth and taking a drink. "She's probably wondering where I am by now and will give me hell for keeping her waiting and scaring her."

"Yeah, she's one feisty little filly, for sure," said Jace. He picked up the can and drained the last of the beer from it. "Won't she be surprised when we show up to the house together."

"Oh, hell yes," said Matt.

"I'm sorry about what happened to your mother, Matt. No kid should have to go through that," said Jace, setting the empty can down on the bar.

"It was an awful time. I wasn't home when it happened, so, for the longest time, I kept thinking it was my fault. I wasn't there to stop him," said Matt, staring at his beer bottle.

"It wasn't your fault, must know that."

"I understand that now, but it took me a while to get there. My aunt and uncle helped me with that. They were very supportive and gave me a good life, but it was difficult not having Maddy around. Once I turned twenty-one, I came back to Chicago, hoping to see her parents so I could get in touch with her again, but…" Matt trailed off and looked straight ahead. What happened when he came back home was the pivotal moment that caused him to lose Maddy to Jackson Walker. He would never forgive himself for it.

"But what?" asked Jace. Matt took a deep breath before answering. He wasn't entirely comfortable telling Jackson Walker what came next.

"Her mother never liked me. She knew my father was an abusive drunk and she was afraid that I would start doing the same thing to Maddy. So, I chickened out. Plain and simple. She didn't want me in her daughter's life before my mother was killed and I doubted that she would ever allow me to see Maddy, knowing my father was a murderer."

"When I met her, she was still a wreck over your disappearance. It had been over two years and she had no idea what had happened. Seems to me that she could have made her own decisions about seeing you and you never even gave her a chance."

"I know, and I will never forgive myself for that," said Matt, staring straight ahead.

"I'm sorry, man. I know that couldn't have been easy for you, but if you're waiting for me to say I'm sorry for Madeleine and me falling in love, I won't do it. It was meant to be and nothing will convince me otherwise," said Jace, swiveling around on his stool to face Matt. Matt knew that Jace had nothing to apologize for, but somehow, he still wanted to hear it.

"Yeah," said Matt, feeling defeated.

"I should get going. I haven't seen Wyatt in over a week and I'm anxious to spend some time with him," said Jace, pulling out his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans.

"That's unusual for you, isn't it? Don't you usually see him almost everyday?"

"I do, but the last time Madeleine and I were in therapy, I got pissed off at her and stormed out. We haven't spoken since and I've kept my distance," he said, throwing a twenty dollar bill down on the bar. Matt felt only a little guilty for being happy that Walker and Maddy had a falling out.

"Your money's no good here, Jace," said Matt, picking up the money and handing it back to Jace. "Herrmann, put this on my tab, will you?"

"Sure thing, Captain," replied Herrmann, giving him the thumbs up.

"Thanks, man," said Jace.

"My pleasure," said Matt. Jace couldn't help but think that Matt had some ulterior motive by buying him a beer. Did Matt think that Jace would back off the fight for Madeleine if he bought him a Guinness? "The hell it will," thought Jace, as they walked out of the bar and got into their vehicles. He thought about Madeleine as he drove his Hummer to her house and wondered what her mindset was. They hadn't spoken since he stomped out of Dr. Jenkins' office last week. He still had every right to be angry at her for what she said, but he could never stay mad at her for very long. He couldn't deny that he was missing her as much as he missed Wyatt. Besides his mother and Harper, that baby and Madeleine were the two people he loved the most in this world. He couldn't wait to see her reaction to seeing him and Casey showing up together.