CHAPTER 23
Nine Months Later
Matt sat at the table in the morning room of the firehouse, sipping a cup of coffee. It wasn't quite six o'clock, but he was already showered, shaved and ready for the day. He had been awake for the last couple of hours and trying to grab a few more minutes of sleep proved to be futile, so he stopped trying. When he couldn't sleep, it was usually some procedural thing about the last call they had been to that had been bugging him, or something with Maddy or Finn niggling his brain. But this time, it was Jackson Walker.
It was no longer about the feelings of jealousy he had harbored for the last couple of years, which surprised him. He had had almost a year to rethink his opinion of Walker and in that time, he had come to a new and painful conclusion. Ever since their session together with Dr. Jenkins last year, Matt had taken the opportunity to reevaluate everything in his life, not only his ideas about Jace, but also his feelings for Maddy. He still loved her, but after hearing Jace talk about the way he felt about her, he realized that the way he loved her was much different.
Jackson had talked about her like she had saved his life, like she was his saving grace. His voice was full of emotion when he spoke. His feelings for Maddy were deep, sincere and completely undeniable. He used to think Jackson was just full of shit, that he exaggerated everything he said about Maddy just to make him squirm. But listening to him without those preconceived ideas of him made him understand that what he felt for Maddy was real. Everything about him was larger than life and that was the complete opposite of who Matt was. Matt was cool, calm and level headed. He took command of things when it became necessary, especially at a fire scene, but he was even keeled most other times. He went about his work quietly and efficiently, without machismo or the need for recognition. Jackson Walker lived and breathed a casual bravado. He walked with a swagger and he talked with confidence, but having spent some time with him over the last year, Matt became more aware of Jackson's weaknesses, the biggest one being Maddy.
Matt had loved Maddy since high school. When he was taken away from Chicago, that love never went away. He had wanted to reach out to Maddy so many times, but knew that he couldn't. It ripped him up inside to not be able to tell her what happened. He knew that it had hurt Maddy very much and left a deep scar inside of her. A scar that Jackson Walker helped to heal. Matt regretted that he didn't reach out to her after the gag order was lifted, but he had finally come to the conclusion that there was nothing he could ever do about that. Jace had made Maddy happy at a time when she needed it most and although it was in the smallest of measurements, Matt was thankful for that.
He looked at his watch and turned his mind to Isa. He was due to pick her up from Gabby's place this morning after his shift. He loved spending time with his daughter, but he didn't look forward to the short time he'd be in the presence of Gabby Dawson. She was always ready for a confrontation of some kind and Matt had no patience for it. It made him even more remorseful about his one night stand with her. Looking back, it was obvious he did it out of spite and he hated himself for that. That was not in his normal character, but it was his jealous hatred of Jackson and seeing him and Maddy in an intimate embrace that had pushed him over the edge. He didn't have feelings for Gabby, but knew how much Maddy hated her and in that moment, he wanted her to hurt as much as he had been hurt. Jumping to the wrong conclusion had ended up ripping the fabric of his marriage and he felt like they were still no closer to mending it.
Matt often wondered if Maddy would have slept with Jace if he hadn't slept with Gabby first. He liked to think she would have remained faithful to him, but the pull that Jackson had on her was strong. Matt had been hurt by Maddy's indiscretion, but at this point in time, he was more upset knowing that he could never truly repair things between them. Matt loved her the best he could, given the lousy upbringing he had. His parents weren't exactly the best role models for relationship goals. He thanked God every day that he didn't inherit his father's penchant for hitting women, but in the last few months, he had speculated if his own form of abuse, if you could call it that, was more emotional than physical. He couldn't deny that he had inflicted a lot of mental pain on Maddy throughout their marriage. It had all come to a head now and he prayed that she would forgive him for not being perfect.
Over the last few months, Maddy was making an effort to include him in her life and that meant everything to him. They had spent a lot of time together on the weekend days he was off shift. There were times when she looked at him that he thought his heart would burst. He could swear he detected love in her eyes…the same love they had had for each other before all of the ugliness happened. So many times, he wanted to reach for her, pull her into his arms and kiss her like he used to. There were several instances where he felt she wanted him to kiss her, but he was afraid of making the wrong move that might set them back. He had to be very careful about the balance he struck with Maddy. One bad decision could destroy everything he was working towards. He quietly prayed that Maddy wouldn't come to the conclusion that he had already come to himself…that he could never love her the same way Jackson Walker did. But tonight, he had decided he was going to ask her, flat out, what her plans for the future were and if he was still going to be her husband. He wanted answers and he was tired of waiting. They would all be together this afternoon at Jackson's place for Wyatt's birthday. He would wait until he and Maddy were alone and away from Jackson. He knew that he and Maddy wouldn't be able to have this conversation if Jackson was within fifty paces of them.
Jackson yawned as he poured his first cup of coffee of the day. He had been up for a couple of hours. He had already showered and had pulled on a pair of thin cotton drawstring pants and a tank t-shirt. He slid open the sliding glass door of the kitchen and padded barefoot out onto the large deck that overlooked the expansive backyard. He admired the work that was being done in the acreage behind the house in preparation for the horse barns and paddocks that were being built. It wasn't exactly like the Rocking Horse he had built in Fort Worth, but it was very close. He felt good about his efforts to save horses, even though there weren't as many in Illinois as there were in Texas. Besides, Madeleine was in Illinois and he would accomplish anything he could in order to stay close to her.
He would be heading over to her house shortly, after he finished his coffee. He would be having breakfast with her and the boys in just over an hour. Saturday breakfast was the highlight of his week and a nice break from the hammering, sawing and digging that was taking place all over the property. Watching Wyatt grow up over the last year since he was born had been a gift Jace had never expected. Seeing him and Harper together over the last few days had been pretty special, too. If someone had told him several years ago that he would have a son with Madeleine that would be able to spend time with their daughter that they lost to his brother, he would have told that person that they were a fucking lunatic. His life had had its share of losses, but he was thankful everyday that he was still around to live it and that his children and the love of his life were in it, too.
She would always be the love of his life. He had determined that the moment he first laid eyes on her and no matter where Madeleine's life would take her, nothing would ever change that. She had been playing it cool for the last year, not fully committing herself to her feelings. She had been concentrating on getting her life in order and making sure the boys were taken care of. Watching her over the past year, he saw irrefutable proof of what he already knew…she was an amazing mother. Her focus had been solely on her children. She had let her needs sit on a back burner, but lately, whenever they were together, there were times that she looked at him exactly the way she had looked at him in Cancun. It made his heart stop and his breath catch in his throat every time. The images of her face on the first night and last night they made love was etched into his memory and he would never forget them. Since his time in captivity, he was not usually a patient man. He wanted everything when he wanted it, but he had given Madeleine the space and time she had asked for. He thought he had made peace with it, but he was getting weary of not knowing where her heart was. He had made the decision that he was going to ask her tonight, after Wyatt's party. He was sure there would be a moment where they would be alone and the opportunity would present itself. He was going to try not to push her too hard. He wanted to avoid a confrontation. He only wanted to gently coax her into giving him an idea of what she was thinking and feeling. It wasn't a lot to ask and he deserved to know, if not for himself then for his children.