CHAPTER 25

"This is a really swanky restaurant," said Em, from behind her glass of wine. Maddy had invited her out to dinner to celebrate her promotion at Lakeshore. It had been a long time since she and Em had done anything together. When Maddy was still working at the hospital, they managed to have lunch together once or twice a week, but nothing more substantial than that. Their Girls Night Out had come to a screeching halt since before Wyatt was born. Now that he was almost a year old, they still hadn't resumed their monthly escapade. As Maddy looked across the table at her best friend, she realized that she missed those days immensely. A lot had changed in her life, but losing touch with Em was not something she was willing to accept.

"Yeah, it's nice to be in a place with linen napkins and something other to eat than hot dogs," said Maddy.

"I wish I had dressed a little nicer," said Em, pulling at the hem of her button down blouse.

"Oh, stop. You look fine. Very pretty and very professional," said Maddy. Em had come a long way in the past year, both personally and professionally and Maddy was so proud of her. She always knew her friend had it in her to do great things. She just needed a little push and the support to back her up.

"I learned what to wear by watching you for the last five years," said Em.

"You should come over sometime and go through my closet. I have a lot of clothes that you can have. I doubt I'll be needing power suits anymore," said Maddy.

"Oh, please…we aren't exactly the same size, Mads. I'm taller than you are and your ass is bigger than mine since you popped out another baby," said Em, grinning at her friend. She loved Maddy and knew she could joke with her like this. She missed going out with her and being silly while they blew off steam from the work week. She missed the Fearsome Foursome, too, and she wondered if they would ever be together again.

"Nice. Now I wish I had asked you over to the house for hot dogs and Kraft macaroni and cheese," said Maddy, with her own sly grin.

"Who's watching the boys tonight so you can have adult time?" asked Em.

"Matt's on shift and Lorraine is visiting family in Pennsylvania for the week, so Jace is taking care of them tonight," said Maddy. Em noticed that Maddy's face seemed to light up at the mention of Jace's name…or maybe it was a residual effect from saying she had been afforded a few hours off. It was hard to tell these days since Maddy never wanted to talk about either of them, at least not in a romantic capacity.

"How is the ranch coming along?"

"Slowly, but surely. You'll see it next Saturday when you come to Wyatt's birthday party. Jace will make it happen. He's a determined man," said Maddy. Em knew that Jace was most definitely a determined man. She saw that first hand whenever she had been around him. The sheer force of his presence spoke loudly about everything Jackson Walker wanted, without using any words…and what he wanted most was Maddy. That was obvious. Em wondered if Maddy felt the same way. At one time, Em used to know everything Maddy was thinking and feeling, but not now. She barely saw her anymore and when she did, Maddy always kept her emotions close to the vest.

"How's Harper?"

"She's just great. She is an incredible young lady. Getting to know her over these last few days has been like an unexpected gift," said Maddy.

"That's great, Mads. I'm so happy that she's been able to spend time with you," said Em. "How's Casey been? It feels like forever since I've seen him. I miss our 'Fab Four Fridays'," she said, immediately regretting that last sentence. She could see Maddy wince and shift uncomfortably in her seat.

"Matt's is doing well. You know Matt. He's always level-headed in every situation. Mr. No Nonsense, everything in its proper order and by the book, at least about most things in his life," said Maddy, purposely being noncommittal about her husband. Her tone, however, gave her inner thoughts away. Em made a mental note at how Maddy sounded when she spoke. "How's Kelly?" she asked, shifting the focus back to Em and her life.

"Horny, as usual," she said, making Maddy spray a mouthful of wine all over the table.

"Jesus, Em!" said Maddy, laughing uncontrollably. She wiped her mouth with her napkin and dabbed at the corner of her eyes. It felt good to laugh at something.

"It's good to hear you laugh, Mads. Seems like it's been a while since I heard you do that."

"Yeah, well…it is what it is," said Maddy, stopping short before saying too much and ruining Em's celebration dinner with tears. "Here's to you, Em," said Maddy, lifting her glass of wine. "Congratulations on your promotion. You deserved it." Em lifted her glass and clinked it to Maddy's.

"Thanks, Madster," she said. The waitress brought their meals and refilled their wine glasses. They ate in relative silence, sharing idle comments about the food and the service and Em's experiences in Maddy's old position. Maddy could sense that Em was dancing around the subject of prying into her love life and all other personal matters. She knew that no matter how she deflected her attempts, it was inevitable that she would ask and eventually pull it out of her. Emily Morrison was both nosy and persistent, which were the exact qualities that made her suited for her new job.

Their plates were cleared from the table and they both ordered coffee and dessert. As Maddy took a bite of cheesecake, Em dropped the bomb she had been waiting for all night.

"So, Mads…have you made a decision yet?" Boom. There it was.

"A decision about what?" asked Maddy, playing it cool.

"You know damn well what! Have you decided who you want to be with?" Maddy put her fork down and took a sip of coffee. She set the cup down on its saucer and looked her friend directly in the eye.

"What makes you think I want to be with either of them? I'm perfectly fulfilled with my life the way it is," she said. She knew Em would see right through that, but she gave it a try anyway.

"Bullshit, Mads. I know you're a great Mom and being home with your boys is what you wanted, but I also know that you need more than that. You may think you're fulfilled, but I know otherwise."

"Do you, now?" countered Maddy. "And exactly what is it I need?"

"A good fuck, for one thing," said Em, in her usual blunt way.

"Jesus Christ, Emily! Don't hold back! By all means, say what you feel," said Maddy.

"You know what I mean, Mads. You need a man to share your life with."

"Don't be ridiculous. I've managed to live my life for the last year without a man and I'm managing just fine."

"Fine on the outside, maybe," said Em, cutting off a piece of lemon cake with her fork and shoveling it into her mouth.

"My life is complete, Emily, in spite of what you think I need," said Maddy, sounding increasingly defensive.

"You're lying, Madster. You have two men that are in love with you and I know that you love them, too. I also know that you love one above the other. There's no shame in that." Maddy put down her own fork and internalized what her friend had said.

"No shame…until the other one gets hurt," said Maddy.

"They're both grown ups, Mads. You underestimate them, I think," said Em.

"I haven't underestimated either of them, Emily. I know both of them very well and they are both good men with great qualities, but they also both have separate issues that cloud everything up, making it more difficult to see who stands above the other. In fact, I've probably overestimated them more than anything. They've both failed me in their own way. And then there's me. I'm not without my faults, Em. I'm not perfect. No one is. We all have parts of us that are shitty and cruel and incomplete. Maybe that's why we will never get all that we want out of life. Maybe we only get sixty percent of all that we desire. I have that now. Why drive myself crazy wishing for anything more than that? It's foolish to think I could have it all in one person."

Emily stared straight into Maddy's eyes. The look on her face was pensive and Maddy instinctively knew that this conversation was not over. Em took a deep breath, wiped her mouth with her napkin and began to speak the words that she felt Maddy needed to hear.

"But you do have it, Mads. I think you've always known that. You've just been afraid to admit it. After all this time, even I can finally see that. Your one hundred percent exists, Mads. You just have to turn around and open your eyes and stop being so damned stubborn."

"But, Em…" Maddy started to say, but Em interrupted her.

"But nothing. I want you to be happy and I know you would be happy with him. You were once and you could be again. You need to…"

"Please don't say anymore," said Maddy, holding up her hand and not letting her finish her sentence. She had been pushing Maddy towards Matt the entire time, which only served to further confuddle her while she was trying to work through this last piece of her puzzle. She remembered getting angry at her early on for pushing her so hard in that direction, but reflecting on it now, it still seemed like the best thing to do. She loved being with Matt and the boys. There was a comforting familiarity when they were together. And there was an unmistakable sense of love between them, too. All she wanted was for everyone to be happy, but inevitably, someone was going to get hurt, and she didn't want that on her shoulders. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat.

"When are you and Kelly going to make it official? You've been together for five years now," she said, taking a sip of her coffee and craftily changing the subject. Em stared at her for a few seconds, feeling like she had dropped a pop fly ball and it was now a whole different ball game. Maddy was the champ at changing the direction of a conversation at breakneck speed.

"Kelly's not the marrying kind," said Em, stabbing at the last morsel of lemon cake on her plate.

"I think you're wrong about that."

"We're not talking about me, Mads. We were talking about you."

"But it's your night to celebrate. It's not about me tonight. It's been about me for the last two years and frankly, I'm sick of it."

"I can also celebrate my best friend finally having all she wants and being happy, too."

"I have everything I want and I am happy, Emily. Now, can we stop talking about it?"

"OK, Mads. You win, for now." Maddy dropped her fork on her plate, making a clanking sound and drawing the attention of the people in close proximity. She ran her hands over her face and smoothed back her hair, then looked her best friend directly in the eye.

"No, Em. This isn't a game to be won. It's my life and what's best for me and my children. I cannot be held up to other people's ideals of what they think my life should be or who I should end up with. I will make that decision myself and with no one else's influence, even yours. Christ, Matthew and Jackson haven't pushed me as hard as you have and this directly affects both of them! I know you love me and want what's best for me and I love you for that, but this has to be my decision and one that everyone will have to live with. Now, there's an end to it," said Maddy. She wasn't angry. Her tone was even and her manner was direct. Em got the point and dropped the subject.

After they had finished dinner, they drove out to the Roadhouse and had a few drinks. It felt almost like old times, with the two of them laughing and dancing and letting go. For those few precious hours, they were able to forget life and all its trials and tribulations. They were Maddy and Em, having a good time, just like they used to.

Maddy trudged up the front steps of the house and unlocked the front door. It was just after one in the morning and she felt delightfully tipsy. She was thankful that she had the foresense to call an Uber to take her home because she was in no condition to drive. It had been a long time since she and Em had hit the town and it was exactly what both of them needed. She carefully stepped inside the entry hall and tossed her purse on the narrow table along the wall near the stairs. She turned and looked into the living room. It was dark except for the flickering light of the television. She could see Jace sitting on the couch with his feet up on the large oak table in front of it. His eyes were closed. Maddy stood in front of him, quietly observing him. He had no shirt on and his countenance appeared at ease and both of those things pleased her. Maybe it was the tequila in her system, but everything about him pleased her. She wished to God she didn't love this man, but she did. Their love had come back unexpectedly. It was big and powerful and even a seventeen year gap hadn't diminished that. She took off her heels and let them drop on the floor one at a time. When the second one hit, he opened his eyes.

"Hey, baby. Did you just get home?" he asked, as he stretched his arms up over his head.

"Uh huh. Did you have a nice little snooze?" she countered.

"I was just resting my eyes," he replied.

"Yeah, sure. What's with the bare chest? Did you have trouble getting Wyatt to sleep?"

"Yeah, he was a little fussy, so I did my Papa thing with him," he said, grabbing his t-shirt from the floor in front of the couch.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here for that," she said, crossing in front of him. She sat down on her knees on the cushion next to him and tucked her legs underneath her.

"I'm sorry you weren't here, too. I had to play a video of you singing in order for him to finally settle down. Did you have a good time with Em?" he asked, as he pulled the shirt over his head. She wanted to tell him to leave it off, but knew that she shouldn't. She was still Matt's wife and that thought was the one that pervaded her every move whenever she was around Jace.

"Yeah, we had a great time. Tequila always makes everything great," she said, laying her head against his arm as he leaned back against the couch cushion.

"Not everything, baby. The next morning isn't usually so great," he said, grinning and putting his arm around her.

"True. I learned that in Mexico many years ago," she said, yawning and sounding sleepy.

"I remember," he said, softly. She suddenly shifted and laid her head down on his lap, taking him by surprise.

"We do have quite a history, don't we?" she asked.

"Yes, we most definitely do," he said, stroking her hair. He tried like hell to ignore the beautiful sensation of her head on his thigh. She was married to another man and the thoughts that were running through his head were not appropriate to that fact. He cherished the two weeks they had spent together when she left Matt and the one night that she shared his bed. He would never forget the way she felt, the way she smelled or the way she had touched him that night. He loved her so goddamn much, it hurt.

As she lay there, she became quiet as she thought about her history with Matt and all that had meant to her. She had loved him since she was a teenager. Their life together had been detoured frequently since then, but they finally found each other after failed marriages and years of separation. Finding Matthew again was a gift she hadn't expected. They loved each other the best they could, yet they ended up hurting each other. She thought about her children and how lucky they were to have such amazing fathers in their lives. Finally, she thought about Jace and all he had meant to her. After Matthew disappeared, she was broken and lost. Jace was the one to have found her. Finding him had saved her. She had loved him with every fiber of her being. His love elevated her to a higher plane and made her into a stronger, more confident woman than she was when they first met. He was her forever love that became lost to her and now that he was back in her life, she would never be able to ignore the feelings she still felt for him.

"Jackson?" she asked. Her voice was soft and cracked with the emotions she was trying to hold back.

"Yeah, Cook?"

"I need to ask you a very personal question and I want you to be completely honest with me," she said, already feeling the tears welling up in her eyes.

"I have never lied to you, Madeleine…and I don't intend to start now. What is it you want to know?"

"Do you remember the night we made love?"

"Yes, I do," he said, his voice breaking slightly. He wanted to tell her that he thought about that night every fucking minute since it happened.

"You told me that night that you hadn't been with any other woman besides me, even in all the years we were apart," she said.

"That's right, baby. I did."

"Were you telling me the absolute truth about that? I have to know, Jackson." The question had been on her mind since she and Jace had slept together almost two years ago. He had told her then that he hadn't been with another woman since he left for Iraq and came back to the States. He told her that she had been the last woman he had been with when he went overseas and the first woman he had been with since he returned.

"Yes, Madeleine…I was. I wouldn't bullshit you about that. No other woman will ever be good enough. It'll always just be you," he said, continuing to stroke her hair. She suddenly turned over and shoved her face into his torso. She began to sob uncontrollably. The conflict within her became too much for her to bear and she wept. He could feel her body shaking and the sound of her cries tore at his heart. He wanted to take her in his arms and tell her that he would take all of her pain away so that all she would ever cry were tears of happiness and joy. Instead, he gently rubbed her back and tried to soothe her the best he could.

"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to make you cry," he said. She slowly sat up and swung her legs around to the floor. She wiped her face with her hands and took a deep breath in.

"It's not you, Jackson. I'm just tired and drunk and feeling a little lost. I've been dealing with this feeling for almost two years. It'll pass. It always does," she said. She stood up and straightened her dress. She ran her hands over her face, then smoothed down her hair. Her eyes were red from crying, but he marveled at how beautiful she looked. She would always be beautiful to his eyes.

"I've got to get myself up to bed. The boys will be up in six hours," she said, looking at her watch. He stood up and grabbed her arm as she crossed in front of him.

"What if I stay here tonight? I could get up with the boys in the morning so you can sleep in a little."

"I can't ask you to do that, cowboy. You've already done enough by watching them for me tonight."

"You're not asking. I'm offering. Besides, I could never do enough for you," he said, his blue eyes shining in the light of the television as he looked up at her. She stroked the side of his face with her fingertips, moving up to the scar that ran through his left eyebrow. Their love had begun during the days before he got that scar and had culminated in an intense, passionate few days after. Her mind briefly ran through those precious days, remembering so many things that were done and said between them. It had been an overwhelming amount of love in so little time, it almost didn't seem real. But it had been real. Very real.

"Thank you, cowboy. You're too good to me and I don't deserve it," she said, softly. A few more tears rolled down her cheek as she spoke. He reached up with his hand and gently wiped them away with his thumb, his eyes never leaving hers. They would always have a strong connection to each other and that would always be a sticking point between her and Matthew, no matter how many times Matthew tried to convince her otherwise..

"You deserve everything you've ever wanted, Madeleine," he said, standing up and taking her in his arms. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. She pressed her face into his chest, the musky scent of his body filling her head with memories of their love and a sense of longing that eventually began to unnerve her. She abruptly pulled out of his arms, attempting to compose herself.

"You know where the spare bedroom is, so make yourself at home. Thank you again for tonight. If you need anything, let me know. Otherwise, I'll see you in the morning," she said, quickly walking away from him.

"Madeleine, wait," he said as she walked up the stairs. She didn't acknowledge him and went directly into her room. She closed the door and put her back against it, covering her mouth as she tried to stifle the sobs that were trying to escape. The feelings that she had conflicted with the plans in her head and she was torn once again. She didn't know if her life with Matthew could withstand the love she had for the man downstairs and his constant presence in her life. Could any man tolerate another man being in love with his wife and his wife being in love with that man? Up until now, it had been an uphill battle between Matt and Jace, but where one road ends, another begins, and that's what she would have to focus on if she was ever going to get through this and make a decision about the rest of her life. She had kept them waiting too long. What was more important was that she had been denying herself the one thing she truly wanted…a man to share her life with. She hated it when Em was right, especially about the course of her life, but she loved her for it, too.

She walked into the bathroom, shedding her clothes as she went. She washed her face, brushed her teeth and ran a brush through her hair. She grabbed her nightie from the back of the bathroom door and pulled it over her head. She flicked off the light and as she climbed into her big empty bed, she prayed for the sign from her father to reveal itself soon.