Chapter Fourteen: Confrontations and Confessions
Remus scowled at the parchment in front of him. He'd have to rewrite it. Again.
He'd come down to the library to work on more of his homework, this time his Care of Magical Creatures essay. After the events of the past day, he'd rather have stayed in the Common Room, but he needed books that were in the library. Not only was it easier to simply work in the library rather than hauling the books to his room and back down, but Mrs. Pince had gone home for the Christmas break, so he couldn't check books out anyway.
If he was honest with himself, it didn't matter where he studied. He suspected he'd have the same problems whether in the library, his Prefect rooms, or the Gryffindor Common Room. He couldn't focus, his mind kept wandering, and his head buzzed with anxiety. And all of it was rooted in one central problem that he had no way of addressing at present. Severus Snape.
Lily's reply, which he'd received at breakfast, had told him to wait. She would try to soothe Severus if he happened to write and mention it to her, but she really couldn't bring the matter up until he told her about it. All she could do beyond that was tell him that he was probably right not to try and force the issue. And that eventually, there would be an opportunity to talk to Severus about it, though it would take time and work, and he wasn't likely to listen to them at first.
He knew that. But it didn't make the ache in his chest go away. Nor did it keep him from trying to think up ways to convince Severus of his sincerity. He'd researched various truth spells and potions, and he had a few ideas. The problem was, he wasn't sure Severus would trust him with a spell, and truth potions were difficult to obtain, or to brew. Brewing the ones he'd found was likely beyond his skill level. He'd thought of raiding Slughorn's stores, but he wasn't even sure the Potions Master kept truth serums in his private stocks.
And even if he did, breaking in without the help of Sirius, James and Peter seemed like a daunting prospect at best. He was stealthy enough when it was needed, but James had the map and the cloak, and Sirius was just better at breaking into things in general, and Peter was a good scout in his rat form. Alone...there were too many variables. There was also the matter of getting Severus to listen long enough to drink a potion and convince him of the effects.
He was fairly certain that wasn't going to happen any time soon, but it didn't stop him from wishing for a vial of Veritaserum, an empty room, and an hour alone with the Slytherin boy.
Remus sighed and turned his attention back to his essay. He was supposed to be researching three different creatures that were treasure guardians or scavengers, and the proper methods of care. Nifflers were the easy one. Dragons were popular treasure hoarders in Muggle myths, but not so much in real life. A Cerebus was a good guardian, but he wasn't sure it counted since it didn't actively hoard treasure or hunt it out. He was considering listing a Sphinx, though again, they weren't exactly hoarders, and he wasn't sure whether they counted as Beasts or Magical Creatures, or Magical Beings.
Occamies had shells of pure silver. Did that count? He'd have to look it up. That and underwater guardians or hunters, since he hadn't yet researched those. He sighed and made a note on his parchment, since he'd already messed up, then stretched, preparing to go hunt for more research materials. He was thinking of which books to grab when a pair of hands slammed into the surface of his table, jarring the thoughts completely out of his head.
If the jolting of the table hadn't gotten his attention, the low-snarled "Lupin!" would have. Remus looked up, following the line of the hands and arms, and straight into the face of the person who'd been occupying his thoughts for most of the past day.
Severus was wearing outdoor clothing, spotted with damp patches, as though he'd been outside recently. His dark hair was windblown, and his cheeks were ruddy with wind-burn and cold. His expression was fierce, demanding, imposing even with his rather ruffled appearance. He was breathing hard, but the heaving of his chest did nothing to diminish the fire in his eyes.
Remus started to speak, but Severus cut him off before he could utter a word, his tone low and sharp with barely controlled emotion. "Tell me why."
Remus blinked. "Err..."
Severus continued as if he hadn't heard him, and from the look in his eyes, he might not have. "The letters...the gifts...I know it was just a joke to you, just a prank. I know you and Black and Potter must love the idea that I'm indebted to you. But I can pay it back, and I will, no matter what I must do. But why...why…" His voice cracked, and he stopped, swallowed, then leaned down so he was inches away from Remus. "You will tell me why you recommended me to Nicholas Flamel. And what price you will demand of me."
Nicholas Flamel. The name jolted Remus. He hadn't realized that Severus had discovered his involvement with that. "I...Severus..."
"No! No more tricks, no more lies, no more deceptions and pretending to be my friend!" Severus's voice cracked again, his eyes flashing with rage and something else, something dark and sharp and painful. "I don't care if you intend to humiliate me with what I've told you. I don't care if you tell all of Hogwarts about my home life. I don't care if it takes me years to pay back my debt for the books. But this...this...writing on my behalf...what will you demand of me? What is it you want? My servitude? My oath? My life? What? What price will you demand of me? Tell me. Tell..."
Severus cut off as he toppled, felled by Remus's sub-vocal Stunner, shot under the table. Remus stared at the other youth for a moment, bemused. It spoke volumes about how upset Severus was that he hadn't noticed the flick of movement as Remus drew his wand, or the slight movement of his face as he spoke the spell. He'd been practicing his silent casting, but so far he still had to mouth the spell. He eyed the fallen Slytherin a moment, then set about gathering his books and papers. It was clear they needed to have a conversation, and he wasn't about to have it in the library.
He stuffed the books and notes into his school-bag, then tagged Severus with another Stunner, to keep him from waking while they were traveling, and a Levitation Spell. He could have carried the other youth, even with the weight Severus had gained, but he didn't want to get caught in a bad position, nor did he want to risk dropping the other boy on the stairs. Besides, if Severus did manage to throw off the Stunners faster than expected, he wouldn't appreciate being slung over Remus's shoulder like a sack, or carried in his arms like a girl. So Levitation Spell it was.
The Castle's emptiness made it fairly easy to get Severus upstairs. After a few moments of consideration, Remus took the Slytherin to his prefect rooms. There was a chance that Severus would recognize them, which might help. Or might not. Once inside he set Severus down on the rug, then shut and locked the door, adding a few privacy charms just to be sure. Once that was done he built a fire in the fireplace, to ward off the winter chill. Then he located his notes about truth spells, arranged them on the table in front of him, and settled in to wait. He could have revived Severus, but he wanted some time to put his thoughts in order. Besides, he'd heard that it was easier and safer to let a person come out of a Stunning on their own. Less stress on the body or something like that.
He sighed and offered a rueful grin to the unconscious youth in front of him. He'd gotten the chance he wanted, to try and explain things. He could only hope, however, that Severus was willing to hear him out and not hex him too badly. He hadn't taken the other boy's wand, figuring it would only make the situation worse if he did. He sighed again, then stood and stepped into the corridor to call a House Elf for some hot chocolate. He needed the comfort, and from the look of him, Severus might need the warmth when he woke up. And chocolate was always useful as a gesture of goodwill.
***ASiSF***
Warmth. He was warm, and comfortable. That was Severus's first thought. But he'd been cold. He'd been coming back from Hogsmeade and the interview with Flamel...Severus opened his eyes and shoved himself upright, wand in hand and eyes flicking back and forth as he took in his surroundings.
He was in a familiar room, done in brown accents. A fire blazed merrily in the hearth, the source of the welcome warmth he'd awakened to. Severus felt his brow furrow in confusion. The last time he'd been here, Attwater had brought him. But he was sure the Hufflepuff prefect had gone home for the holidays…
The door to the bathroom creaked, and Severus whipped around, then scrambled to his feet, wand at the ready, as Remus Lupin stepped out, straightening his shirt. "Lupin."
Lupin blinked, and a small grin creased his face. "Finally. I was beginning to think you'd sleep forever." The Marauder eyed his wand, then held his empty hands up in a show of surrender. "I'm sorry about the Stunning Spell, but you wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise, and you were getting a bit..."
"What did you do? Why are we here?"
Lupin shrugged, then moved slowly across to sit in a chair. "I told you. You were getting upset, and it didn't look like you were going to calm down on your own, so I stunned you. Then I brought you up here, so we could talk in relative privacy and comfort. You want answers, and I wouldn't mind giving you the explanations, if I can get you to actually listen to me."
"These rooms..."
"They're mine. I don't use them all that often, just for full moon recoveries, really. But they're better for a private chat than most places. Certainly better than the library or a common room." Lupin blinked at him again. "And if you're wondering...I brought you here, the beginning of the year. I did tell Attwater...but I was the one who brought you inside. I just asked him to look after you after...didn't figure you'd accept any help from me."
"You..." Severus swallowed. He couldn't seem to form a coherent thought through the maelstrom of conflicting emotions and thoughts in his head.
Lupin had stunned him. And brought him here. But apparently hadn't done anything else, except give him time to recover from the Stunner.
Lupin had been the one to retrieve him before. He didn't want to believe it, but it made so much more sense than the idea that another student had happened across his unconscious body on the grounds after his confrontation with the Marauders. Most students were busy settling in, doing last-minute homework corrections and catching up with friends, on the first few days of school. That was why he'd been outside, after all. To avoid everyone. He hadn't considered the matter before because it hadn't seemed any more ludicrous than the other possibility, that the Marauders had gotten him help, and he'd already known that none of his housemates had been involved.
Except...the Marauders. The books. The letters. At least one Marauder had been involved. And where there was one, there were four, most of the time. Sick dread weighed in his stomach. If Lupin had brought him inside, he probably hadn't been alone, and if he hadn't been alone… "What did you see?"
"Enough to know I'd like to bite your parents on a full moon." Lupin grimaced. "I didn't take off your trousers, but the injuries above the waist…it was one of the reasons I chose Attwater to approach. He knows a bit about Healing." The Marauder shifted, then tipped his head toward the table. "There's hot chocolate if you want it. And...do you know truth spells?"
Severus blinked, caught off guard by the change. "What?"
"Truth spells. You want answers, and we both know you won't believe me without some sort of proof that I'm not lying." Lupin made another face. "I've known for ages that we'd be having this conversation at some point. I didn't expect you to be as pissed as you were, but...anyway, truth spells. You can cast any you'd like on me, and ask whatever you want. That's the deal. Just...well, I'd say no secrets, but..." Lupin trailed off with another shrug.
Truth spells. Every Slytherin learned truth spells their first year. He'd learned how to cast them silently last year. There were spells that could compel truth, and potions as well, but people usually knew when they'd been affected by those, so he generally preferred subtler means. He considered his options, then tagged Lupin with a spell. Veritas Revelio.
Lupin didn't so much as twitch as the magic hit him. "Okay. Whatever that was..."
"Tell me three truths and one lie." It was a game he and Lily had used to play, as children. Slytherins played it too, though different versions, to better hone their skills and their cunning.
Lupin blinked once, frowned, then spoke. "My favorite color is blue. I like to read. I'm a fairly good artist. My favorite class is Defense."
Red flared on the third sentence. "You aren't an artist."
Lupin grinned. "You got me. I can't draw to save my life. And my color sense is, according to James, absolute crap." He paused. "Truth revealing spell?"
"Of course."
"Mmm...I'd have gone for a truth compulsion, but that'll work, I suppose. If you'll let me draw my wand, I'll reinforce it with a temporary oath."
Severus tensed. "What kind of oath?"
"You tell me. Just...nothing that'll make me lose my magic or kill me. And I don't want to be stuck in a situation where I'd have to tell secrets that aren't my own. I don't mind being honest with you, but I'm not going to give you blackmail material or worse for my friends."
Severus considered. He wanted to reject the offer. He wanted to storm out of the room, back to the safety of the Slytherin dorms. But he wanted answers as well, and if Lupin was offering them up, he wasn't sure he dared let the chance pass him by.
In the end, the desperate need to know, the urge that had driven him to run all the way to the Castle, regardless of the weather, won out. "Swear to me that you'll tell me the truth, nothing else, or forfeit your ability to do magic for the remainder of the holidays."
Lupin pulled out his wand, lifting it into the standard position for an oath. "I do solemnly swear that everything I say to Severus Snape within these rooms, from now till the time we exit, will be the truth, and only the truth, excepting those situations where I say 'I will not reveal that', and that I do hereby forfeit use of my magic from now until the next term begins, should I be forsworn."
A flare of magic signaled the sealing of the oath. Severus blinked. Lupin set his wand down on the table. "There." He looked almost...cheerful.
Severus swallowed, considering the questions he could ask to prove the oath had taken hold. "Why did you stay at the castle for the holidays?" It was an innocuous enough question to begin with.
Lupin made a face. "Because, among other things, there's a full moon between Christmas and New Years, and the precautions here are better than the ones at home. Besides, I hate seeing my parents cry when they have to lock me away for my transformations."
Well. No flare of red to signal a lie. And no flare of magic for a broken oath. And not something Lupin would have wanted to tell the truth about, either. Severus swallowed, trying to wet his throat.
Lupin tipped his head at the table again. "Hot chocolate, if you want it. Mug closest to you is yours, and the only thing I've done to it is a Stasis Charm to keep it hot."
Still no lie. Severus swallowed again. And the words escaped, the words that had been pounding in his brain since the day before. "Why?"
Lupin sighed. "It depends on what you're asking."
"Why the letters...the books?"
Lupin sighed again, tipping his head back. "Because...I wanted to make friends with you, or try to at any rate. And I knew if I tried to approach you the normal way you'd turn me down, or hex me senseless. That was why the letters. I thought if I could become your friend through letters – what muggles call a pen pal, I think – that when I finally revealed myself it would soften the blow. As for the books...that was more an idea James had. James and Sirius fronted the money to buy them, once we'd figured out your classes. As for why..."
Lupin shook his head, then picked up the mug closest to him and took a swallow. "If you could have seen yourself, that day by the lake...I can't speak for the others, but it was a bit like getting dunked in ice water for me. Realizing that you weren't...weren't what we thought you were. Bit of a shock for all of us."
"And you...you pitied me..." Disgust and shame flickered in his gut, roiling with a significant amount of humiliation.
"Maybe a little. But mostly I was just horrified and pissed off. At Sirius, for sending you to me on a full moon. At Sirius AND James for always targeting you. At myself, for never stepping up and stopping it, at Peter for going along with it. At all of us, for not realizing that we'd gone too far. I finally realized...you and I had too much in common, and that if I hadn't been a Gryffindor, it could have been me they targeted. I saw you, and I remembered James saying, last year, that the mere fact you existed was enough of a reason to have a go at you...and I realized it could have been me."
"And then I realized how much like the Dark Lord's supporters we sounded. After all, wasn't that their rationale for the persecution of Muggles, and Muggle-born, and even half-bloods?" Lupin shook his head. "Saying it's because you were Slytherin...or whatever other reasons we used to justify it...it wasn't any better, and seeing you like that...I couldn't keep pretending that it was."
Lupin stopped, then looked him in the eyes. "I was ashamed of myself. Five years of pranking, teasing, humiliating...I never even thought twice about it. I never thought about who you were as a person, never tried to get to know more about you. I never realized that you had problems other than the Marauders harassing you, and I should have. From personal experience, if nothing else. And I should have stopped it, because I know what it's like to be isolated and alone and lonely and hurting. That's what I was thinking."
Severus swallowed. There hadn't been a single flare of red during Lupin's whole speech. "And your friends?"
"James...well, I had to hit him over the head with it a few times, but he realized the same things I did. That we were behaving no better than the people we claimed to stand against. And then Sirius went and talked to Regulus about the Tenebris Inferno – you mentioned it before you passed out, if you don't remember – and..."
"I know I mentioned it. Regulus told me that Sirius had asked him about it." Severus felt his voice grating in his throat.
"Hmm...well, I don't know what Regulus told you. What Sirius told us was that it's a magically toxic ritual that's meant to infuse potent dark magic into a person's core." Lupin pursed his lips. "And...I...I'm not sure if you know this, but..." He stopped.
"But what?"
Lupin took a deep breath, then spoke in a rush, the words almost mixing themselves up in his haste to get them out. "Sirius told us that Regulus said that everyone in Slytherin knows you've suffered the Tenebris multiple times, and that they know your feuding with the Marauders makes it stronger, and that they...they haven't been protecting you as much as they could, because they want that. That they expect you to go to the Dark Lord, and they're pleased that the Marauders – us – that we've pushed you so hard that way."
Severus felt himself go numb, this time from the inside out. There had been no sign that Lupin was lying. So, Black had told him those things. Whether Black had been telling the truth, he couldn't know. And yet…
And yet, he knew quite well that his Housemates knew about the Tenebris. Hadn't he spoken with Regulus about it his first day back at classes? Hadn't he worked with Avery and Rosier and Wilkes every year, getting it under control? And Lucius Malfoy, in his first year?
Was it really that much of a stretch to believe that they might be less protective of him, in the hopes that the bitterness between him and the Marauders would strengthen the darkness within him, and drive him more firmly into their cause? That was, in some aspects, a very Slytherin thing to do. And he'd already known that many of his housemates held a lingering dislike of his blood status, no matter how he impressed them with his skills in Potions and Defense and Spell-Craft.
He didn't want to believe it, but there was evidence that suggested it was true. After all, they hadn't saved him last year, had they? Potter and Black's humiliation of him had gone on well long enough for someone to have come to his aid. But there hadn't been any help. Only Lily, whom he'd driven away with harsh words.
Had there been some of his housemates in the crowd that day, watching and silently applauding as he not only got angry, but also severed his ties to someone they considered entirely unsuitable? Severed his only tie to anyone outside his house, to anyone who could steer him from the Dark Lord and his promises of recognition?
He felt sick and shaking. He started when a warm surface touched the hand that wasn't holding his wand. He blinked the haze out of his vision, focusing again.
Lupin had come round the table and was holding out a mug. His eyes were...strange. When Severus focused on him, he lifted the mug, and a smile, though different from any Severus had seen before, curled one corner of his mouth. "Drink it. It doesn't make everything better, not really, but it helps."
Under any other circumstances, he would have shoved the mug away or Vanished the contents. But the truth spell was still active, and Lupin's eyes held no animosity, and he felt so...so frozen inside, frozen and aching.
He took the cup, one-handed, and sipped. It was hot, as promised, rich and chocolaty and smooth. It was almost too sweet for his taste, but he drank anyway, and some small fraction of the frozen cold inside him seemed to ease, just a little.
It was possible that Black had lied. One or both of them. Or that Lupin had misunderstood what he had heard. Or misremembered. There were explanations other than the sense of betrayal that filled him. He had to remember that.
He sipped a little more of the hot chocolate, and found his voice to ask the question he really wanted the answer to. "Why did you write to Flamel?"
Lupin sighed, and took a sip from the remaining mug. "You might not recall that you and Lily met in the library, the first week of school..."
"Of course I recall it." It had been their reconciliation. He would no sooner forget that than he would the incident that had nearly destroyed their friendship.
"Right. Well, you probably didn't notice, but I was working at a table nearby. Close enough to hear what you two were saying, especially with my enhanced senses."
Severus winced. He hadn't put up any silencing or privacy charms, as focused as he'd been on not screwing things up with Lily. He'd been certain his housemates were off on their own pursuits anyway. That mistake could have cost him. He'd been careless. "And?"
"And I heard what she asked you, about what you would do if you had better options. And I heard what you said about considering Alchemy, or being an Unspeakable. Or a private researcher. And I thought about how you'd looked, that day by the lake. About how you'd said the only legacy you'd have was your parent's hatred. And I talked with James and Sirius, and we got this...this idea. To help you find somewhere else. Supposed to be anonymous, of course. But Sirius was supposed to look into your mum's family, the Princes..." Lupin must have seen his hand tighten, because he hurried on. "...see if they were any better than your parents, and if they'd be willing to contact you, or worth contacting on your behalf. James was supposed to talk to his dad about Unspeakables, since Mr. Potter works in the Ministry. And I was supposed to look up people you could maybe apprentice to. Like that Damocles Belby fellow you mentioned in the one letter."
Lupin swallowed again. "Anyway, I went through the texts about Alchemists. There aren't a lot of them. I took Dumbledore off the list right away. Figured, with the way he's been about us, you wouldn't trust him or want him in charge of your apprenticeship."
"You were right. I'd sooner kiss a boomslang." Without a bezoar handy.
Lupin grimaced at the image. "Anyway, all the texts pretty much said Flamel was considered the best. And he wasn't dead yet. So I thought...well, I was recovering from a full moon, and I was feeling tetchy, and I decided that since I'd been such a bloody coward about standing up for you, the least I could do was pull out some of that Gryffindor courage on your behalf and write Flamel. I didn't expect anything much to come of it, to be honest, but I wanted to say I had tried. So I sent off a letter, telling him I had a year-mate who was dead brilliant, but had some obstacles that needed solving, more or less, and I sent it off. I got a letter back saying that he'd consider you, and he'd contact you himself."
Severus stared at him. Lupin stared back, then swallowed. "You know, I would have thought you'd confront me before this or not at all, if you knew."
"I didn't know before today. All Flamel's initial letter said was that I'd been sponsored. I had to ask him, tell him I wanted to express my gratitude." And had it been anyone else, he'd probably have fallen at their feet and sworn undying loyalty. Even to Dumbledore and Slughorn, much as he detested both of them for different reasons.
"Well, that does explain why you were so fussed when you came to find me. Must have been a right shock." Lupin eyed him a moment. "Look, there's one other thing I should probably tell you, and you won't like it, most likely, but you might as well know. Just...try and keep your head, okay?"
"Fine." His hand tensed on his wand.
"I told Lily what we were planning. The letters, the books and all. I didn't involve her much, didn't want to cause trouble that way, but I did tell her. I had to, to make sure we didn't make a royal cock-up of everything. She's the only person who knows you well enough that we were sure we could trust not to screw us up. Especially after what Sirius said about the Slytherins. She hasn't been in on any of it, not directly. I just...there were a few times I know we screwed up, and I needed to ask her the best way to deal with it. That's all. Like...I can't remember if it was the first or second letter, maybe the third, but we revealed that we knew about the trouble you had at school, and you took it badly."
He remembered. The letter that had driven him out to throw rocks and set things on fire by the lake. He swallowed hard. "What did Lily say?"
"To give you time and space. That if you hadn't answered after a certain amount of time to write an apology, but to let you decide how to react after that."
"What else did she tell you?" He had to know. If Lily had been going behind his back…
"Pretty much just told us when we had our heads up our arses or were about to make a mess of things. Or when we had made a mess, and why we were such idiots. And...when I approached her...she might have confirmed a few of the things I had already guessed. About your home life. But she didn't tell me any details, and she'd probably have hexed me six ways from Sunday if I hadn't sworn I was only out to help you, and I needed to know. But, like I said, it was only stuff I could have guessed, from seeing you out by the lake." Lupin paused. "Oh, she did talk to the kitchen elves for me."
"I knew about the house-elves." Well, he thought she'd been working with Attwater, but he had known she'd gone to the house-elves.
"Er...okay." Lupin looked like he wanted to say something else, or even ask a question, but he shut his mouth.
Lily. Lily had known. She hadn't told him either. But she'd been talking to Lupin. For a moment, the icy burn of betrayal threatened to engulf him. He held onto his emotional control with both hands, forcing himself to consider the matter rationally.
She'd known. He ought to have guessed. She had been sympathetic to his 'Associate'. And his Associate had been fairly astute in reading some of his moods, avoiding emotional pitfalls in their letters.
Was he upset and hurt that she hadn't told him? Yes. He was.
How much had she told Lupin? They'd have to talk about it when she returned. He knew his mood was too volatile to chance writing a letter, which was likely to sound far too accusatory and angry. By the time she returned to Hogwarts, he would be past his first emotions, though he wasn't sure the churning ache would disappear any time soon.
He hurt, but he wasn't upset enough to cut her off again. After all, he'd revealed quite enough for Lupin to have surmised the worst of his home situation without ever a word to Lily. And she would have told the Marauders off if they'd been fools or pricks. And he couldn't...he wouldn't believe she'd betrayed him in more than saying too much. And she might have done it with good intentions, to help him. She'd done things like that before, when they were kids.
One thing he had to know. "Our...my reconciliation with Lily..."
Lupin shook his head. "We didn't suggest it, or ask her to. I told her you might be in more trouble than she knew. I told her about the prank Sirius played on you, sending you to a werewolf. I told her you might have not meant what you said, that it was heat of the moment sort of stuff. But she already knew that, and she was already sorry you'd broken apart. She said you'd apologized, and she was sorry she'd brushed you off. And that was all any of us said on the matter. Honest to Merlin, you and her, patching things up, that was none of our doing, and none of our business, far as I was concerned."
"As far as you were concerned..." His throat ached. "But your friends..."
"My friends, as you say, got their ears burned the night after our lakeside confrontation. I warned them about interfering with you two in any way. James especially, since he's been such a prat about liking Evans and taking her refusals out on you."
And still, there had not been one flare of red. He could feel the spell still active, and he knew that even without that, a lie would have been revealed in the magic of the broken oath. There hadn't been any of that either.
His reconciliation with Lily had been real. Sure, it might have been motivated by some form of sympathy or pity after talking with Lupin, but it was still genuine. And there were reasons she might not have told him what she knew.
He remembered again the rage and anguish he'd felt the day before. The betrayal. How would he have felt if Lily had told him the truth and urged him to accept the overtures of his enemies? Especially since he hadn't even been able to avoid harsh words when she was defending him from those very same individuals. He'd thought before that he wouldn't resort to insulting her and risk breaking their friendship even if the Marauders stripped him naked and hung him in front of the Great Hall at mealtime. But this had the potential to be so much more painful and humiliating, no matter what Lupin said.
Lupin might be sincere about his intentions, but there was no guarantee that Black and Potter were as well. They could easily have pretended to go along with their friend, while having their own plans in place for whatever information they learned. Paying for a few books wouldn't even make a dent in Potter's pocket money, most likely. And Black had already proved that he could plan out life-altering pranks without informing others.
A thought occurred to him, and he eyed the mug of hot chocolate. He could still feel the volatile emotions simmering within him, but they felt...muted. Numbness or something else? He glanced at the mug, then back at Lupin.
Lupin followed his gaze, and had clearly guessed his thoughts. "I didn't alter it." The truth, but not necessarily the whole truth.
Severus cleared his throat. "Skippy."
The house-elf appeared. "Slytherin student be wanting something?"
"Is there anything...odd, in the hot chocolate?"
Skippy blinked his large eyes. "There be a bit of tonic in young Slytherin's cup, and calming drought in both cups, yes. Prefect Lupin be telling Skippy that hot chocolate be needed for warmth, for Master Slytherin being outside, and that he be wanting something to be calming nerves for important speakings. Skippy knows too, Lupin be needing calming things, so close to the full moons as it is."
From the way Lupin twitched, he really hadn't known about the additions to the hot chocolate. And it was heartening to think that they'd both had their drinks spiked. Then Lupin met his eyes, picked up his mug with a small grin, and drained it. "I could use another."
The challenge was implicit. Severus decided he might as well. He still had his wand, and Lupin was still under oath, and it might keep him from doing anything too rash in a fit of temper. As he'd told Flamel, that was a character flaw he was aware he was susceptible to. He met Lupin's gaze and drained his own mug, before offering it to the house-elf at his elbow. "I could use one too."
Skippy popped away, and seconds later, new mugs appeared, steaming gently. Severus lifted his mug, watching as Lupin drank, apparently unconcerned with the fact that the House Elves were doctoring their beverages.
Lupin lowered the cup, caught his look, and shrugged. "I know Skippy from the Infirmary. I should have remembered he'd know about the foibles of my condition. I don't like to indulge too much in calming potions, but they help. And it's better than taking each other's heads off in a fit of temper."
He wasn't sure he agreed, but he still sipped at his hot chocolate, trying to think what else he wanted to know.
"What you said about my housemates...did you tell me that to drive me away from them and isolate me?" It was a bit more cunning than he'd expect of a Gryffindor, but then, this whole plan was so far beyond what he'd expected of them that he couldn't dismiss anything.
"N..." Lupin paused, then grimaced. "I want to say no. The initial reason I told you about what Sirius said Regulus told him was because it was part of the truth you asked for. But...I won't deny that..." He shook his head with a sharp motion, as if trying to shake something off. "As your Associate, I know I've encouraged you to expand your options. And so I can't claim that I have no intentions of trying to pull you from your housemates, because a lot of them seem to support the Dark Lord, and I'd rather you didn't go that route. But...well, I think Sirius was telling the truth, what he said...and that's...I wouldn't want someone I respect, or someone I could be friends with, to be in that sort of situation. And maybe there are good people in Slytherin house, people that it would be good for you to know, to ally with, to be friends with. But I haven't paid enough attention to know who those would be. I really only know anything about people like Avery and Wilkes and Mulciber...and maybe they aren't the type of people I think they are either..." Lupin shrugged. "But...that's the way it is."
That was...unexpectedly reasonable. And truthful. He'd half expected Lupin to vehemently deny it, regardless of the consequences. That would have been what he would have done. But either he was making an effort, or he was far more worried about the oath and the truth spell than most Slytherins were.
As much as he didn't like it, Lupin had made some good points. About his housemates. About his own perspective. He'd even admitted he might be wrong, which was a huge concession on its own. If he'd been anyone other than a Marauder, Severus might have even respected his words. As it was, he wondered if Lupin would ever bother trying to get to know other Slytherins. He was fairly certain that Potter and Black wouldn't. It sounded like Lupin had practically brow-beaten them into being decent to just himself.
And there was another issue. "What about Lily? Did you tell me she talked to you to drive a wedge between us? For your mate Potter?"
"NO." Lupin shook his head in a decisive manner, holding up his hands in a gesture of negation. "No. Not at all. I just...it was part of the truth. And I didn't want you stewing over it if you realized things weren't adding up and getting upset and suspicious. And I didn't want it to come out in some other way. I thought that telling you would give you time to mull over it properly before she gets back. And I figured I might as well tell you as much truth as possible, since this situation isn't likely to present itself again any time soon."
No flare of red. It was the truth. But if Lupin and Lily had been communicating about Lupin's plans, talking about him...He remembered what he'd told Lily, right before the start of the holidays. "Did you know...did Lily tell you about Flamel..."
"I knew you'd talked to him. I knew you were meeting sometime over the break. Lily was excited for you. Thrilled actually. I told her I'd keep an eye out for you, but..." But he'd actually forgotten to ask for the Cloak or the Map, with everything else, and then he'd been revealed as Severus's Associate, and he hadn't been able to do anything before their current confrontation. "That's all she said, that you had an interview about apprenticeship possibilities over break." Lupin cocked his head. "It's not my business, I've said before, but I think you ought to tell her how it went, since you said you'd met him today. She said she'd be waiting to hear."
"I'm to find out tomorrow." Severus blinked as a thought occurred to him.
Lupin had engineered the meeting. According to his own words and the truth spells, it had been done to help him. That didn't mean that Lupin meant anything by it beyond amends for the Marauders and what they had done. He might well have written the letter in a spell of pity or something similar, then decided to make the best of it. Or even hoping that Flamel might take Severus out of the way. He'd said, after all, that part of the aim had been to remove Severus from his home. Well, and good, but what if he'd had an eye toward removing him from Hogwarts too, thus removing all sources of contention between Lily and James? It wouldn't be hard to believe that it was also doing Severus a favor, because the opportunity was an incredible one. And he had to admit, he would leave Hogwarts to apprentice with Flamel, if that was the way the Alchemist wanted it. Rumor had it that Flamel lived on the Continent.
Potter and Black might well consider the expenditure on books and the like to be worth the chance to have him gone. Potter might play the thick-headed Gryffindor with his head up his arse most of the time, but he wasn't a skilled Transfiguration student or a star Seeker and Quidditch Captain for nothing. Despite their animosity, even Severus had to admit that Potter and Black were not unintelligent. Only short-sighted and biased twats who thought too much of themselves.
That brought his thought to another problem that had been bothering him, and he voiced it before he could think to stop the words. "The pranks..."
"We've been avoiding you. We wanted you to know you were protected, sort of a gesture of goodwill on our part. We hoped...well, I hoped, rather, that you'd realize you were safe. We thought you'd chalk it up to your pen pal or Attwater, and that it would help you relax. Then maybe when we finally revealed who you'd been writing to, you wouldn't be quite so ready to hex us. At the very least, I wanted to be able to say that we had changed our ways, that we weren't going to hurt you, and I wanted some sort of proof to back it up." Lupin shrugged. "Besides, after what Sirius said...well, to be honest, I think the idea of hexing you, giving any future Death Eaters what they wanted...it left rather a bad taste in my mouth, and I don't think I'm the only one."
Still no magic to signal a lie. Of course, it was somewhat subjective, based on what Lupin felt was true. It might not be the whole truth. But he was forced to concede that the Marauder was sincere, and at the very least he believed that what he was saying was the truth.
The whole conversation, Lupin had told him no lies, and even offered him information before he asked. He had answered his questions in a thorough and concise manner. He had been relatively courteous and had never reached for his wand, in spite of being held at wand-point himself. But still…
Five years of torment, heckling, and harassment. Five years of being humiliated, his work sabotaged, his chance of making friends or connections destroyed. He had nearly lost his friendship with Lily. How could a few letters and books prove anything? How could he trust them, after so much had happened? Even if Lupin hadn't been the one to instigate the various assaults, even if he hadn't been an active participant very often, he had still been there. He had still condoned his friend's actions through his silence.
It was all so confusing. His world was twisting round him, and he didn't know what to do. He hated the Marauders. Hated them, and Lupin was not exempt. A few books and letters and a 'forbearance' on pranking couldn't erase everything they had done to him. He didn't want to be friends with them. He didn't want to forgive them.
But without Lupin's pity, and his determination to 'make amends' - as if anything he did ever could – he wouldn't have gotten the chance he had with Flamel. And that...that was a debt he couldn't leave hanging. If the price was a cease-fire or 'friendship'...could he swallow his rage and his pride and pain and accept it?
Then again, if it was some sort of long game to get him out of the way so James could court Lily, then it wasn't a debt, was it? Lupin could plan something like that. And what if Lupin was sincere, but his friends were not?
He didn't really think Lupin would stand up to Potter and Black if they decided they'd had enough of repentance and making amends, and fell back into their old habits. Five years of behavior said that nothing ever held them in check for long, and why should Lupin's ire be any different? For that matter, if things went well with Flamel, why should Lupin even care? After all, he could say he'd helped Severus receive the opportunity of a lifetime, and call it done.
One life-altering situation for another. Ruining his life and giving him an opportunity. There were many who would think it was an even trade. Granted, Gryffindor nobility didn't generally run that way, but then, before last year he wouldn't have said that Gryffindors were the types to plan murder in the dark either. And look at what Black had done.
Even with the Calming Drafts and the hot chocolate, his brain felt at war with itself. Somewhere inside, the shy boy who had spent days working up the courage to talk to Lily Evans the first time was waiting. Wanting to believe. The rest of him didn't dare.
He wanted something. Something more than words, more than truths under oath or pretty letters or anonymous gifts. Something more than thirty seconds of restraint in a hallway.
He wanted to see how Lupin would be when there were no invisible tethers to keep him from making mistakes. And he thought he knew exactly what to do.
He was tempted to tell Lupin to lie to him. Break the oath and be without his magic. But he couldn't quite do it. For one thing, there was the upcoming werewolf transformation to think about. He wasn't sure how that worked, or how it would interact with an oath consequence. A fine thing it would be for him if there was some unfortunate side effect. He wouldn't have cared one jot if it had happened because Lupin was fool enough to lie on his own, but forcing it meant he'd be found culpable if anything went wrong. And wouldn't that just be perfect?
No, he had too much going on right now, especially with his potential apprenticeship, to risk it with a petty vengeance like that. Besides, something brash like that was Gryffindor foolishness, no matter how satisfying it might be.
There was another way to gauge Lupin's intentions and sincerity. And it would help him as well. Hogsmeade was really only open to students on Saturdays, but Lupin probably had a special dispensation, with his condition and the Shrieking Shack and all. And even if he didn't, he was a prefect and a good student, and he probably could get special privileges, or at least request a certain amount of lenience if he got caught breaking rules. Which meant…
"Come with me tomorrow."
Lupin blinked. "What?"
"Tomorrow. I've got to go to Hogsmeade to speak with Flamel, to find out if I'm accepted as his apprentice or not. I'm not a prefect, and if anyone sees me, they might ask questions. No one thinks much of a student showing up on a Saturday, but any other day..." He made a face. "I don't want to talk to Slughorn about it. He'd come with me and spend the whole time trying to get Flamel's attention for himself. So come with me, and use your prefect status or whatever to keep us out of trouble."
"All right." Lupin agreed with such easy nonchalance that he had to fight back a snarl. That easy, was it?
Lupin studied his face. "Will you want me to come with you to your meeting with Flamel? Or just to Hogsmeade proper?"
He'd like to tell Lupin to shove off the minute they entered the village. But the question reminded him of how this 'talk' had started in the first place. Because Lupin had sponsored him. And Flamel didn't know about the depths of their animosity. He swallowed rage like molten glass, glad of the calming draft. "Come with me. I don't know if Flamel will have you sit in, but you did write the recommendation, so it's only proper."
Right. That was wizarding etiquette. He hadn't thought of it until he spoke the words, but he vaguely remembered something Lucius had told him about it. Because Lucius had intended to sponsor him to the Dark Lord when the time came. This was hardly the same situation, but still, the rules applied. Lupin had written on his behalf, and since he could contact him, he was obliged to offer the invitation. And since he'd asked Flamel for Lupin's name, he couldn't pretend he didn't know the identity of his benefactor. And given Flamel's age, he might consider the breach far more serious than a younger wizard would, if Severus willfully ignored propriety.
He wished Lupin had gone home for the holidays.
He swallowed again. "As the one who sponsored me, it's your right to see the results of your letter. Since you weren't there for the interview, you should come tomorrow and find out the result." And if he did obtain a contract, and Flamel was old-fashioned about it, he might need Lupin as a witness. That was a part of many older contracts, he knew, that the sponsor signed along with the recipient.
"If that's what you...need." Lupin looked like he'd been about to say 'want' and stopped himself. Smart of him. Severus couldn't think of much he wanted less. "What time?"
"Meet me near the Entrance Hall at 10:30 in the morning."
"I'll be there. I hope you don't mind if I wear my school clothes."
"They should be fine." Severus shook his head. Calming Drafts or no, his head felt like it would explode, and his temper with it, if he stayed any longer. He had more questions, but he could barely trust the answers he'd been given already, and any more might just drive him mad. Besides, he needed to take some time and calm himself before meeting Flamel tomorrow.
He stood. "I'm done."
Lupin nodded. "There are locking and privacy charms on the door, but it should still let you out. Or I can undo it."
As if he wanted Lupin casting any spells around him at the moment. "I'll manage." He stepped forward. The spells were there, as Lupin had said, but they didn't hinder him as he reached for the door and pulled it open. He stopped, swallowed against what felt like glass in his throat, and forced himself to say the final words that courtesy recommended. "I'll see you tomorrow, Lupin." He left before the other youth could respond.
He had a lot to think about.
Author's Note: So...now things are out in the open. I hope everyone liked the way this conversation went. And no, this isn't the end of it.
I've had some people expressing concerns that this will be a 'Severus forgives everyone immediately and they become buddies like the last few years never happened' story. Also had people expressing concerns that it will be a 'Severus doesn't forgive them, and things go back to the way they were, or worse' story.
I'm not going either of those routes. I've been a victim of bullying, and I know that forgiveness is NOT an overnight thing. However, the Marauders have had their eyes opened, and they aren't planning on going back to their previous behavior. Not to say there will never be conflict between them, but they aren't out to target Severus any longer. No, Severus isn't going to trust them immediately. He's only listening to Lupin because it's the best option he sees. His invitation to the meeting with Flamel is purely to satisfy etiquette and to see if he can use Remus to stay out of trouble, while hopefully catching the Marauder in any hidden motives. And yes, Severus and Lily WILL be having words about the things she discussed with the Marauders.