Here we are in chapter 6. Zuko and Azula must now face the consequences of their actions! Still a few flashbacks to the program but I promise, the story begins to move forward!
Feel free to leave comments to motivate me to write the sequel faster if you want to know more! I will be happy to hear your thoughts and your interpretation of the story and why not, to hear your suggestions even though I already have roughly an idea of the direction in which I want to go. I would never have thought of writing a fanfiction one day, let alone translating it into English. Your encouragements are therefore gratefully received. A big thank you to those who have read me so far and even to those who have stopped before. It's gratifying to know that my work is appreciated by a few people ^^
Chapter 6 - Penitence
A great agitation reigned on the docks. The cries of the seagulls drowned the voices of the travelers who addressed their last recommendations to their friends and family remained on the pier.
Children were running around the harbor playing with a wooden spinning top.
The sailors' faces were hidden by heavy wooden crates, filled with cargo that the passengers brought home, they carried in their muscular arms, the wood of the pontoon creaking dangerously under their weight.
The crew's jeers could be heard as a young boy accidentally spilled the contents of a huge crate full of vials and stills on his feet, which crashed with a crash of shattered glass onto the ship's deck.
Thick smoke was already billowing from the two large chimneys that rose on the ship.
"... that we will see each other again soon," Katara concluded cordially.
"Sorry?" Zuko exclaimed, suddenly pulled out of his reverie.
"I was saying," Katara repeated in a voice suddenly much less warm, "I was sure we would see each other again soon."
"Ah, yes, sorry. Of course, I'm sure of that too" he replied, stammering a little.
His friends looked at him for a moment, the same worried expression on their faces.
Hakoda, Katara, Sokka and Suki all stood in front of him, ready to board the boat that would bring them back to the South Polar lands.
The meeting had been over for a week now and his friends had already extended their stay more than they could afford. Other businesses called them in their own nations. Aang already flown on Appa's back the day before, along with Toph, to join the Air Acolytes waiting for him at the Eastern Air Temple to help to its rebuilding.
He would drop off the young metal bender who had finally resigned to visiting her parents in Gaoling after a two-year absence, before meeting her students at her Metalbending School near Yu Dao.
Katara was returning with her family to the Southern Water Tribe to form a new cohort of Waterbenders from the northern tribes. Her academy, as she called it, attracted many young girls from the Northtern Water Tribe, eager to be able to use their bending for purposes other than healing.
Mentalities changed slowly even after the war and women in the North were still not allowed to learn combat skills.
While waiting for things to change, Katara happily welcomed these young girls and taught them everything she knew. Many had already decided to settle permanently in the south and it was with emotion that Katara witnessed the birth of the new generation of Southern Waterbenders.
The whole team had attended, stirred by the tender goodbye between the young Waterbender and the Avatar. They would not meet again for several months. Throughout the scene, Mai had stood by Zuko's side, as she was doing today, one hand resting on his shoulder. He wondered how he would feel if he was so far from Mai. Since their marriage, they had hardly left each other. His duties as a Fire Lord forced him to spend most of his time in his own Nation. And the trips, the adventures, the nights under the stars were sorely missed.
During the first years of his reign he had continued to travel the world with his friends in search of people to help; Iroh took charge of the regency, invoking the young age of the Fire Lord who still needed training before taking full command. But his uncle was getting older, and Zuko could see that despite his great wisdom and knowledge of politics, the dear man he considered his father was not happy in this role. He could not continue to shirk his responsibilities indefinitely.
In fact, gossips were starting to talk about the fiery young Fire Lord who had seized power following the defeat of Ozai but who only spent a few weeks a year in his own kingdom. Her fiercest opponents demanded his abdication for the benefit of his uncle, Azulon's legitimate heir or, for the branch most loyal to Ozai, for the benefit of Princess Azula, whom everyone wondered what had become of her.
So after his last trip, two and a half years earlier, he decided to stay at the Caldera. He freed his grateful uncle who returned to Ba Sing Se to take care of his tearoom which had continued to thrive in his absence, thanks to the unwavering involvement of Kurei, an enthusiastic young woman he hired and who shared his unconditional love for the tea arts.
He saw his uncle several times a year, during his holidays or when the old man himself came to visit him.
Back home, determined to establish his legitimacy as the Fire Lord, he sat on the Throne, married Mai, and made up his mind to rule.
He had also decided it was time to take charge of his sister, whom he had not seen for months. He also put this weight on his uncle's shoulders and felt terrible guilty for it.
After his third visit, when Azula had been locked up for over six months, the state of distress in which he found her had for a moment caused him to take his distance from her. It was Iroh himself who had advised him, seeing what state these visits were putting him in.
He came to see her a few more times and seeing that his visits seemed to do them both more harm than good, he finally listened to his uncle's advice and joined the Team Avatar. For nearly two years he had traveled the world with them, making occasional appearances at the Caldera where he reunited with Mai to his delight. The young knife thrower accompanied them on some missions and the Team had to admit that her talents for combat, her fearlessness and her great political finesse were an asset for their team, an asset that made them more easily forget the sarcasm and the often gloomy mood of the young girl.
Zuko couldn't help but notice how some of her qualities reminded him of Azula. The thought made him unconfortable though, and he never would have risked vocalizing it. Mai never mentioned Azula and didn't want to hear about her.
During his absences, Zuko sometimes sent letters to his sister, who remained alone in her asylum, with no other company than her hallucinations, her doctors and nurses and the few visits her uncle paid her.
He told her about his adventures, trying not to dwell too much on the exhilarating feeling of freedom, on the happiness that these trips brought him. He would check on Azula's progress in his letters and promise to come back to see her when he returned. He never got a response and assumed his letters must all have ended in ashes on the floor of his cell at the asylum. Yet he had continued to write to her, putting into his letters all the affection he was capable of. So much so that he had come to believe it himself, to believe that he could love the little sister who had made his life a hell.
During this period, he only returned to visit her four times. Each of these visits had plunged him into a deep melancholy. He had certainly noticed the changes that others would have called progress.
Azula no longer attacked him when he came to see her and she seemed more stable; but the long, deadly silences, the way she refused to look at him and the way she clenched her jaw to hold back insults or maybe to avoid breaking down in tears in front of him… it all reminded him of what a disaster their relationship was.
Traveling with Sokka and Katara made him discover what it was, what it should have been to have a sister. And he watched them argue, yell at each other; or laugh out loud, caring for each other with a mixture of fun and bitterness.
So he'd come back to see her more frequently, once or twice a month, until Ty Lee took over.
Now, on this noisy and smoky quay, surrounded by his friends who were about to leave him again, Mai's hand in his, he couldn't focus enough to greet them with all the warmth they deserved. Their presence and advice had been invaluable during this summit, formalizing the existence of the United Republic of Nations.
He blamed himself for his gloom in the days following the closing meeting. He had tried his best to conceal his feelings but failed to share their enthusiasm and bacame more and more discreet, avoiding meals and parties under spurious pretexts.
He wasn't the only one to avoid gatherings.
He had not seen Azula since that famous night.
A week later, he still didn't understand how the situation had escaped him so much.
She never left her room and had her meals brought up directly to her apartments where she dined alone. The maids had reported to Zuko that they often found the plates intact on the tray that Azula rested outside her door. But the carafe of wine she ordered at each meal usually returned empty.
At first, he was relieved to have a pretext to avoid her. He himself felt too guilty and too miserable to face her gaze. But he was finally overcome with concern when he found that he hadn't seen her for three days.
Her maids confessed that Azula had fired them and refused them entry. She ordered that her meals be brought to her on a tray placed in front of the room and that we leave immediately to come back to pick it up later.
The guards had also been removed from their posts.
Neither had she been seen treading the dusty floor of the Agni Kai courtyard where she usually went daily to practice her kata or polish her firebending techniques. This, more than anything else, was a good cause for alarm.
He had therefore sent her Taïma who tried to discuss at length through the door with an Azula who stubbornly refused to let her enter. However, she had agreed to a few answers to assure her she was in good health but that she did not want to see anyone.
Taïma was also worried. She feared that Azula would neglect her treatment. Zuko didn't tell her about the wine bottles hidden in the room. For a moment he thought about sending Katara or bringing Ty Lee over. Besides Zuko and Taïma, the Kyoshi warrior was the only person to whom Azula deigned to grant more than a few words of courtesy. For Katara, the choice was more therapeutic. He knew that the two young women did not like and understand each other; but Katara's natural compassion, the fact that she was there during Azula's first breakdown, and her first big relapse, the fact that she treated her after her stay in the asylum , that she had contributed to the development of the treatment that brought her out of her madness… All of this had created a kind of trust between them and he knew that his sister had ended up conceiving a form of respect for the young Waterbender, although she probably preferred to tear out her heart than to admit it.
Eventually he gave up. It was unlikely Azula agrees to confide in Katara, and he didn't want the secret he shared with his sister to be revealed anyway.
The night before, after he had spent two hours trying to fall asleep unsuccessfully, stirring dark thoughts in his mind, tossing and turning in his bed, Mai had grown impatient and suggested, in a murderous tone, to go get some fresh air in the gardens or in the training yard, anywhere as long as she didn't have to bear him anymore.
Driven from his bed, he started wandering in the dark corridors and his steps carried him mechanically in front of the double door leading into Azula's private apartments. The door was not guarded and he remembered that Azula had dismissed the guards. At first he felt irritated because he did not like her door to be left unattended. Azula, after all, had many enemies in the Fire Nation.
That evening, however, this reckless behavior suited him. He didn't need new rumors to fuel the ones already roaming the palace, claiming that the Fire Lord had emerged from his sister's room the other night at a very late hour, half-naked, completely panicked. Azula's shifty demeanor had only encouraged gossip. However, much to his relief, if everyone went with their little theory, the most popular hypothesis was that an argument had gone wrong between the siblings, and Azula had lost control of her nerves and burned Zuko's clothes.
Even his friends heard of it and Sokka joked heavily about it. Fortunately, Katara kicked him under the table where they usually met for dinner, seeing how her friend's face scowled.
His other friends had been wise enough not to tell him about it, even Toph, who never missed an opportunity to tease him, seemed to have understood the gravity of the situation.
Mai, meanwhile, had been strangely silent all week. It was impossible, however, that it had escaped her. Mai had spies at her service all over the palace, and had expanded her network upon Azula's return so, Zuko knew, to keep an eye on the princess. Her silence seemed a bad augury.
So the day before, Zuko stood for a while in front of the large, firmly closed doors of Azula's apartments, his fist raised, about to knock, but his courage had failed him and, giving up, he slowly went back to his own apartments, devoured by remorse and guilt.
A last call rang out on the dock. All passengers were invited to board. Zuko gave each of his friends a warm hug and thanked them one last time for their presence and support. Mai's hand in his, he watched them embark, waving at them.
Then, when the ship left the harbor, he watched it go away, sad to see them leaving far away. The palace would look pretty empty without them and it would be harder for him to avoid Azula now without the plea of his guests to occupy him.
He felt a slight pressure on his hand and turned his golden eyes to Mai's face who was giving him an adamant look.
"Now that they're all gone, will you finally tell me what's wrong?"
It wasn't so much a question as a disguised order and he knew he couldn't escape it. So, with a sigh, he turned his head away, without letting go of her hand, and said to her:
"Come on, let's go home… I need to talk to you."
Azula was sitting with her knees drawn to her chest, a glass of wine in her hand, on the bench carved in the alcove just below her window.
She watched the last light of day slowly falling over the Caldera. A far, golden reflections sparkled on the silvery sea. The sky seemed ablaze with tongues of fire which gave it a red-orange hue similar to the one it had sported in the days before the arrival of the Sozin's comet.
Azula remembered the incredible sensation of power she felt then throughout her body and in her veins, as her power increased to a climax. The fire in her grew, each day more ardent, consuming at the same time her spirit and her reason.
Today, although the sky was the same color, she had never been so pitiful and she felt her inner flame weaken and flicker dangerously. As for her reason...
It had been days since she left her room and she didn't know how much longer would pass before she dared to come out and to face her brother's gaze.
For the past week, her mind had been tortured by the memory of that evening. What a fiasco! She had been weak and stupid. She would have liked to blame alcohol but she would have lied to herself. She knew that if the opportunity had presented when she was sober, she would have acted the same way.
More than her own drunkenness, it was Zuko's that had given her the courage to act. Perhaps her own intoxication had only precipitated things. Perhaps she had been too pushing? Shouldn't she have handled things differently? Be more subtle?
Yet she was sure that at least, at one point, he too had wanted…
Azula was fuming. What was the use of being the greatest firebender of her generation, a genius strategist and perhaps one of the most beautiful women in the Nation, if she was not able to effectively seduce the boy she coveted ?
She was not stupid and it did not escape her that Zuko's rejection was not due to the mere fact that he could be indifferent to her charms. She was his sister… And that was irrevocable. There was nothing she could do about it. She had always known that Zuko was a man of honor and principle. He was just the kind of person willing to give up what he most wanted in the world over stupid questions of morality and convention.
She did not understand why people burdened themselves with such philosophical considerations that prevented them both from achieving their goals and the happiness they aspired to. If what made her happy was spending her nights in her brother's bed, why would she be denied this right ?
But now she doubted. What if the fact they share the same blood wasn't the only reason for his rejection?
She had skillfully woven her web, not doubting for a second Zuko would eventually fall into it. She gave up her ambitions, her crown, had supported his stupid utopian project of the Republic of Nations. She tempered his ardor when he wanted to defend her against the old goats of the Council who aspired to evacuate her from the political scene.
She advised him to restraint when voices were raised throughout Earth Kingdom, demanding her extradition for a trial that would inevitably result in Azula's execution.
She had made significant efforts to be polite to Mai, to laugh at the jokes of this Water Tribe boor with his stupid boomerang and his Kyoshi's slut. She listened to the exasperating wisdom speeches the Avatar was delivering, feigning an interest far greater than what such guru nonsense deserved.
She had accommodated with the loathsome benevolence of Katara who behaved towards others as if she was their mother. Fortunately, she had been smart enough to not use the same authoritarian tone with her and to spare her stupid advices !
At least she knew what to expect.
And the little blind girl with her awful idiom who stuck her nose and put her disgusting feet on the table! Azula had believed more than once that she was going to throw up and had to refrained from burning the soles of her feet when she had stood facing her around the coffee table the last time they had been forced to have tea together.
She was relieved that they were finally gone. She could not bear to spend more time in their company.
The wine had helped, it was true. And Zuko hadn't failed to notice. Still taking her cup from her, refusing her a last drink, making sure she was taking her medication… His overprotective attitude had been adorable once but she had ended up being irritated.
In the end, in this assembly, Mai still seemed the most tolerable person. Too bad she was the worst kind of traitor. Mai was calm, knew how to behave in society and had an undeniable sense of humor that sometimes forced Azula to dive faster than necessary into her cup of wine to hide the smile that almost unwillingly formed on her lips after a biting retort from the young knife thrower.
Mai knew well how to be silent and to avoid demonstrations of affection towards Zuko when she was in their company, unlike Katara and Aang who constantly displayed their happiness on her face in perfectly horrifying outbursts of tenderness. Not to mention Sokka and the warrior Kyoshi whose insinuations sometimes spoken out loud and dragging hands had brought her to the verge of nausea.
Yes, she had to admit that sometimes she missed Mai's friendship. But after four years of contemptuous indifference, after everything that happened, the bond between them was definitely broken. And then, between them, there was… Zuko.
She sometimes suspected that Mai knew. She saw how she raised her eyebrows when Azula gently placed a caressing hand on her brother's wrist or shoulder before speaking him during meals. Or how her already brooding face scowled as she caught out the glances Azula threw at the Fire Lord when he looked away.
Mai had not forgiven her for her attempted murder on Zuko, nor her time in prison. And Azula didn't forgive her the grudge, her indifference while she was molding in her asylum. Mai hadn't even come once… well, except in her mind. And these visits were not exactly pleasant.
Ty Lee had come. The kind, forgiving, compassionate Ty Lee ...
The acrobat united in one being all the qualities Azula usually despised. But for some reason escaping her, she forgave and even accommodated those character traits that she found perfectly infuriating in others.
How badly she wanted to see her at this moment ! Ty Lee had always known how to deal with boys and if she was there she might tell her what to do, what to think.
She could tell her what fatal mistakes she made the night Zuko had rejected her.
Of course, she couldn't have told her everything. Ty Lee was an understanding person, but even her open-mindedness had its limits. From here she could see the grimace of disgust that would display on her face if she revealed to her who was the mysterious boy Azula was so badly in love with.
Her large, gray, naive eyes would no doubt have shown the same expression that had appeared in Zuko's golden eyes.
Azula took another sip of wine and closed her eyes so as not to think back to the revulsion in her brother's gaze when he pushed her away. How he had looked down at her, full height as she stood at his feet, humiliated and confused.
Maybe it wasn't just because she was his sister. Maybe he found her really repulsive, unworthy of his attention? At one point that evening, she had felt - almost self-assured - that he wanted her. She had seen in his golden eyes the same flame she had too often seen burn in those of men during social evenings organized at Court, when everyone surrounded her, flattered her, offered to be her date. Herself, having eyes only for the most important man of the evening who often stood in the background, a drink in hand, glued to Mai who was looking around her, yawning ostensibly.
It was the effect of alcohol… Just alcohol, nothing else.
He doesn't care about you.
She had frequented enough men during her missions for her father: sailors, soldiers ... She knew how alcohol stupefied them, made them forget who they were and made them renounce all the principles they claimed to defend at the cost of their lives when they were sober.
It was said that sex had the same effect on them. Azula couldn't tell...
Ty Lee could. But Ty Lee was not there. She must have been far away, on her island, probably wearing out the tatami in the Kyoshi Warriors' training room, teaching her most elaborate techniques to her new best friends.
Before she could help it, Azula let out a scornful little sound and frowned.
Then, as the sun finally disappeared over the horizon and clouds of varying shades stretched across the spring sky, she rested her chin on her knees and contemplated the spectacle, thinking back to the last time she had seen her friend.
[Flashback]
"Come on, please, Azula, tell me! Tell me who he is! "
Ty Lee was literally stamping, her feet in pink ballet flats stomping on the stone slabs surrounding the basin of the fountain they had stopped around in the royal garden.
It was early spring and the gardener had done an amazing job. Flowers of various shapes exhibited their vibrant colors like fireworks. But Azula was indifferent to the sight, too exasperated by the overexcited exclamations of her friend who pressed her with questions since she had inadvertently let slip that she was thinking of someone for months.
In fact, this revelation was not completely accidental. But Azula had run out of excuses to dissuade the young acrobat from yet another proposition to introduce her to an absolutely charming boy she had met and who would be "peeeeerdect" for Azula.
So she confessed, in a desperate attempt to get rid of her, and without looking at her, that she already loved someone. And since this unfortunate revelation, Ty Lee had not stopped harassing her, jumping around her, asking a thousand questions, looking at her with big pleading eyes to know all the details and especially the identity of the mysterious chosen one!
Ty Lee knew that Azula was far from having the same experience she had with men and it was a topic the princess rarely bring up. Since her poor attempt to seduce Chan, the Admiral's son, during their stay on Ember Island years before, Azula had hardly been seen dating anyone.
Of course she knew how to flatter men, how to respond with a charming smile to their compliments at social events, how to extract information from them by agreeing to walk on their arm in the gardens of the palace or by granting them a dance… For those who did not know her, Azula was as expert in the art of seduction as she was talented in bending her element.
But it was all politics.
She never had the slightest interest in these arrogant suitors. How could they have the audacity to believe for a second that they were worthy enough to please her and get her favor? She managed, however, to keep Zuko sufficiently ignorant of her intentions.
If he had known that her interest in those men was feigned, it would have resulted in some probably very uncomfortable conversations.
She always made sure to keep an eye on her brother when she accepted a dance and loved the way he followed her with his eyes and his knuckles whitened around the glass he held firmly in his hand as she allowed the lucky one to put an arm around her waist or to kiss her hand when the music ceases. But no doubt she was imagining things... It wouldn't be the first time.
For now, what was real was Ty Lee who had just sat down next to her on the edge of the fountain basin to better stare at her.
"Come on, Azula! It will stay between us! Oh! I'm sure he's a very powerful man! I can't imagine you selecting the love of your life among the commoners!"
And she burst out laughing at her own joke.
The most powerful of all… Azula thought bitterly.
Azula looked away to avoid Ty Lee's gaze. The annoyance was starting to turn into anger. She was starting to feel the electricity forming at her fingertips and scrambled up to move away from the water and her friend, clenching her fists to hold back the lightning that begged to come out of her body.
Ty Lee suddenly placed both hands over her mouth, stifling an exclamation: "Han! Is he a commoner?"
"Of course he isn't!"
Azula was positively indignant that her friend could even have considered this possibility.
"Stop Ty, will you? I really don't want to talk to you about it..."
"But then, with whom?"
"No one, okay?"
Azula grew angry. Ty Lee was one of the few people in front of whom Azula allowed herself to display her emotions. Anger quickly gave way to bitterness. Turning her back to the acrobat, she bowed her head and clenched her fists. "Anyway, it's useless… He… Nothing will ever happen with him…"
She couldn't stop her voice from taking a desperate inflection that made her ashamed, nor her shoulders from sagging under the weight of discouragement.
Behind her back, she felt Ty Lee stand up. Azula didn't push her away when her friend put a compassionate hand on her shoulder. Ty Lee must have seen this as an encouraging sign, for she whispered:
"Why is that Azula? How do you know that?"
Azula considered her options for a moment. She could disallow Ty Lee and reprimand her. Even though she was the daughter of a nobleman, she was the princess and even her friend had to learn to stay in her place.
But the weight of the secret hidden for years, the desperation, the need to exorcise this pain, at least a bit, without revealing everything, made her want to let the shell she wore crumble just a little. Ty Lee was her friend, her only real friend, and if she could help her lighten that weight a bit, then why not?
As she pondered whether to reveal a part of her secrets, Ty Lee had stepped in front of her and took her hand in hers. Azula guessed that she must look particularly miserable for her friend to be so enterprising. It was this that made her decide to speak:
"He's married…" she confessed.
To her surprise, Ty Lee burst out laughing. Azula looked at her with wide round eyes:
"I don't see why it's funny..."
"Come on Azula! You are a princess and you still don't know how life at court works?"
As Azula raised her eyebrows, she continued:
"Does it matter whether he is married or not? Since when do they encumber themselves with such considerations? No man at court is faithful!"
"Zuko is," Azula corrected, trying not to betray her gloom.
"Zuko isn't an example! He is the most romantic boy I've never seen. And he loves Mai so much! He would never want to look elsewhere!"
"No, indeed ..."
If Azula darkened again by then, Ty Lee didn't seem to notice.
"Not to mention Mai would kill him if he cheated on her! I don't think he's willing to take the risk!"
Seeing that Azula was unresponsive to her joke and looked away in the opposite direction to hide her face, Ty Lee resumed her seriousness and gently shook her hand in hers.
"Listen Azula, if you love this man and he loves you, the fact that he's married isn't really a barrier...Unless... that's what you want too?"
"Marry him? Certainly not ! It's impossible."
"So don't despair! You are the princess! And the smartest, most beautiful and perfect girl in the whole world!"
Azula gave a sad little smile. One could see she didn't really believe it anymore.
"A disgraced princess, stripped of her powers and who spent three years in a madhouse, answering and assaulting people who weren't even there…" she reminded.
"Everyone has a past," Ty Lee said comfortingly.
"I hurt so many people ..."
"Did you hurt him too?"
"Him more than any other..." Her voice broke a little as she said these words.
Ty Lee opened wide, round eyes. Obviously, she didn't understand what Azula was talking about. But from the empathetic look her friend gave her, Azula guessed that her expression must be perfectly heartbreaking.
"But he hurt me too," Azula continued who, now that she had started to confide, felt a little lighter. "And I believe that now he has forgiven me."
"So everything is fine! You just have to seduce him. Spend time with him, laugh at his jokes, show yourself a little vulnerable, like you are now, but not too much! Be natural and I'm sure he'll look at you differently! "
Azula couldn't help but wince at such nonsense. But, anxious not to hurt her friend, she refrained from any comment.
"It's useless Ty Lee. I don't think he likes me. He doesn't look at me like that. He sees me more as a friend ... a sister ..."
She risked a glance at Ty Lee to see if she had caught the hint, her lips quivering.
For a moment, she hoped her friend would get it, and was terribly tempted to tell her.
To tell her one of her darkest secrets, to relieve herself a little of the shame and the guilt gnawing at her for all these years.
If she gets up, I'll tell her, she thought.
But Ty Lee did not pick up. Who – other than her, with her twisted mind – , could imagine something like this? Apparently, a woman falling in love with her own brother was not a possibility that others spontaneously considered. Not even Ty Lee who was one of the most tolerant people she knew.
"I see," she answered instead. "Azula, listen to me. I know the men well. Even the most stoic of them can't resist a pretty girl if she's a little… um… enterprising, if you see what I mean…"
Azula blinked. She could see very well but it didn't really help her.
"How enterprising?" she dared to ask.
Ty Lee's gaze was quite eloquent.
"I can't!" Azula exclaimed immediately, suddenly frightened. "I'm the princess… I'm supposed to preserve myself. If Zuko decides that one day I have to get married..."
"Don't make me laugh! Like you're going to let Zuko decide something like that for you! I didn't know you were so old fashioned Azula!"
"Zuko is the Fire Lord and I'm loyal to him", Azula cut off, abruptly withdrawing her hand from those of her friend. "I can't oppose his will."
"Azula, I know you better than that… I don't believe in a world in which Zuko would decide your future, even with that of an entire nation in his hands! He'll never dare to marry you without your consent! "
"He's already thinking about it. I saw the letters in his office…"
And she turned to furiously wipe away an impromptu tear that had just appeared on the edge of her eyelid.
Ty Lee didn't ask how Azula got access to a presumably sealed letter supposed to be hidden in the Fire Lord's private office. And Azula did not speak of the horrible sense of betrayal she had felt then on discovering the contents of the missive.
"Has he ... made a decision? Did he choose someone for you?"
"No, I don't think so. I never told him about it. It was just a letter from a stupid suitor. An Earth Kingdom official, I think… Apparently those in Ba Sing Se who don't want my head want my hand… "she burst into a mirthless laugh.
She made a gesture with her hand, as if to chase away an unwelcome fly, then continued:
"I don't think he decided anything; and I'm sure he would never give me to someone from Ba Sing Se. But the fact that he kept this letter proves that he thinks about it, doesn't it?"
"I don't know Azula… You can still refuse. He'll never force you, right? Well, it's Zuko, he's not your… He's not…"
"Ozai…" Azula concludes for her. "Yes you must be right ..."
No, Zuko was not Ozai.
It was strange. Sometimes she would had wanted so much that Zuzu saw her as Ozai did. That he notices all her potential, her talent, that he dares to exploit it as her father did. Let him trust her. And at the same time, she would had so much wished that Ozai had treated her a little more like Zuko did. The irony of the situation was unbearable. How could she so desperately wanted from one what she dreaded so much from the other?
Azula fell silent. She returned to sit on the edge of the basin and looked away. There was a somewhat uncomfortable silence during which Azula shot a small blue flame in her palm to which she amused absently herself by giving complex shapes.
Ty Lee came back and sat down next to her.
"Listen Azula," she said gently, "If you really can't... how to say that... compromise your virtue..."
Azula pressed her fingers against her eyelids to chase away the image that was struggling to creep into her mind. That of an opaque and black shadow obscuring the face of the sun. That of a dark red canopy above her.
"... other solutions ..." Ty Lee finished.
"Sorry? What?", asked Azula who had not listened. The memory was gone as it had come. She immediately built the mental wall that protected her from it. It often happened that the memory crept through a crack, a rift, as it had just done. She had to be more careful. She couldn't let it come back.
It's forbidden to think about that!
That was why it was dangerous to let your emotions run free. She knew it and was stupid to have confided in Ty Lee.
Azula shook her head and hands to regain composure. The little flame suddenly vanished. And she returned her attention to Ty Lee who was patiently repeating:
"I was just saying that if you don't want to give yourself to him, there are other effective ways to ... pleasure a man."
"How?" she asked, intrigued. She had always been taught that men were intransigent and impatient. The way her suitors pressed her on social events, in which they tried to put an arm around her waist when she consented to sit near them, for a night walk, had proved to her otherwise.
So Ty Lee leaned over her and breathed something in her ear that made her blush furiously.
"What? But it's disgusting!"
"No! What do you think? They love it!"
"Peasants perhaps!"
"When it comes to that, believe me, the distinctions between social classes no longer apply!" Ty Lee replied happily, swinging her legs forward to jump up and do a pirouette.
"Don't tell me you've already done that?"
Ty Lee, who was now walking on her hands, smirked awkwardly and Azula walked away from her in disgust. Ty Lee got to her feet.
"Look, I understand your reaction; but when you really love a man it doesn't seem so disgusting anymore. And if you do it right, I can assure you that he will stop seeing you as a friend… and even less as a sister!" she echoed her with a smile.
Azula tried to remain stoic at the last word.
"Well…" she whispered finally as she moved closer to Ty Lee, "Tell me how we do it…"
With a cheeky smile, Ty Lee began to speak and Azula, as a good student, torn between disgust and fascination, listened intently.
[End of Flashback]
Now, sitting in her alcove, gazing at the sea that had just swallowed the sun on the horizon, she thought about that conversation and inwardly cursed Ty Lee for her stupid advice. Azula had to admit that at some point in the evening she had lost control of the situation.
If every gesture, every word, every look had been carefully thought out and measured while they were in the large bedroom, she hadn't foreseen what had happened in the bathroom.
She buried her head in her arms and stifled an exclamation of rage. Shame consumed her and she felt ready to lose her mind again.
She hadn't prepared to see her half-naked brother when she turned around to wipe his clothes. She wouldn't have been able to tell by what kind of vile instinct she had been made to act the way she had.
Like a common whore.
At first, she hadn't meant to go that far. Seeing the scar on Zuko's chest, the place where the deadly lightning she produced penetrated his flesh, created within her a confused mixture of emotions: guilt, fascination, desire ... She had therefore let herself be guided by these emotions and when she started to kiss him, she wanted above all to express her remorse and her desire to repair her mistakes, to assure him that their relationship could be built on something other than hatred and a sterile rivalry.
Then Zuko whispered her name. He had started to run his fingers through her hair, encouraging her to continue exploring. She had felt him growing hard for her, as Ty Lee had told her. And then the events got out of her control. Far from feeling the disgust she had imagined, she wanted so badly satisfy him, give him a pleasure at least equivalent to the pain she had inflicted on him by hitting him with her lightnings.
Then Zuko brutally pushed her away. He threw her violently against the tub and left, an expression of deep disgust etched on his ravaged face. He left her alone, forcing her to contemplate her downfall and humiliation.
And he didn't come to see her. She had stayed all this time locked in her room, torn between the desire to speak with him, to justify herself and the fear of seeing him appear and facing his anger or his contempt.
She was desperately trying to make herself dizzy with the wine she was hiding in her trunk but all she had managed to do was stultify herself and inflict herself a permanent headache, as well as a harsh taste in her mouth. And she brooded over the events of that irrevocable night all day long.
What would Father say if he could see her? If he could contemplate the pathetic spectacle of the one he said was a prodigy? What would he say? To assume that he would be disappointed would be presumptuous. He would be mad with rage.
The night that had fallen outside made the sky opaque enough for Azula to see her reflection in the window. The young woman she could make out there was nothing like the charismatic mortal princess she had been once. There was only a girl with sad eyes, cleansed, dressed in a silk kimono, her hair casually tied in a long braid hunging across her shoulder, a half-empty wine glass in her hand.
This was all that was left of Princess Azula, daughter of Ozai, worshiped by all her nation, once predestined to the throne: a stupid girl who burned for a heartache.
Today she was alone in her room, with no friends, no one to admire her. Disgraced, hated, feared ... not for her power, but for her madness.
She had scared off the only member of her family she had left. Why couldn't she have contented herself with what he'd been kind enough to give her? Why couldn't she be satisfied with the unexpected gift of his brotherly affection? Why did she always want more?
No one had ever hugged her before him -if she excluded Ty Lee's unpredictable hugs in her heightened moments of excitement –.
So, in a gesture of desperate fury, she raised her glass above her head and sent it crashing against the stone floor of her bedroom. Then, plunging her head into her arms, she tried to calm the tremors of rage that shook her whole body.
When she regained control of her nerves, she turned her head and her gaze fell on the pieces of broken glass on the floor. Carefully, she got up to leave the alcove and walked over to them. She picked up a piece that seemed particularly sharp and walked over to her bed. She climbed in and leaned against her headboard, her knees bent in front of her. She turned her head right and left, as if to check that no one could see her.
She studied the piece of glass she still held in her hand for a moment and turned it between her fingers until she spotted the sharpest corner. Dutifully, she pressed it against the translucent skin under her wrist. It wasn't long before a scarlet blood bead formed there.
Fascinated, she watched the liquid slowly flow down her forearm. Then she pushed the piece of glass deeper into her flesh until she opened a deep gash. She repeated the gesture until the pain became excruciating.
Finally, raising the improvised weapon above her forearm, she began to strike, frantically, faster and faster, like a workman hammering a nail or an assassin, into a trance, stabbing his victim.
"It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault !"
The same words repeated endlessly, like a mantra, rose through the room, louder and louder, interspersed with moans, pantings and gasps of pain. Tirelessly, she hit herself, opened new incisions and then twirled the piece of glass in her wounds.
The feeling was unbearable, horrible, deliciously excruciating.
Tears welled from her eyes as a bright red blood squirted all around her, staining her sheets and pillowcases. Her breathing quickened. Finally, when the pain climaxed, she threw her head back and closed her eyes, uttering a strangled, almost sensual cry. A witness outside the scene could not have said whether it was an exclamation of suffering or ecstasy. Maybe it was a bit of both...
Eyes closed, Azula gave herself a few minutes to catch her breath. After a moment, she opened her eyes to contemplate the slashed and ravaged flesh under her numb forearm. Groping a piece of sheet, she applied it to her skin and put pressure on the wounds to stop the bleeding.
Then, when she was ready, she took the piece of glass in her other hand and lifting the sleeve of her kimono over her other arm, she started again.
"This hypocritical little bitch is even crazier and more deranged than anything I imagined. "
As always with her, the tone remained measured and neutral but Zuko, who knew her so well, could perceive the fury in the way her lips quivered, in the small wrinkle formed between her two eyebrows, in her narrow shoulders clenched as she stood in front of him in their room at the palace.
Zuko was silent for a moment.
He had just revealed to her what had happened with Azula, intentionally omitting part of the story. For the sake of preserving their relationship, and because he didn't want to further tarnish his sister's already degraded image with Mai, he simply told her that Azula was drunk and tried to seduce him before kissing him.
He didn't see the point of going into details. After all, nothing had happened, right? He stopped things before they got out of hand. He acted ... admittedly a little late, but he had put an end to it.
He didn't tell her about the kisses that had left lipstick marks on his neck and chest, which he had furiously wiped off with soapy water when back to his room that night, as if he hoped that to make them disappear would also erase his shame and guilt.
He didn't neither mention the embraces on the couch, or how he let his fingers wander through her hair when she was at his feet, pressing her a little more against his stomach. He also didn't specify how hard he had become when his sister started to fuss over the knot of his pants.
Nor did he mention the dreams he had every night since, in which he did not push her away and indulge in criminal pleasure.
It was easier like that. He had always blamed Azula for what was wrong with his life. This lie, which was not, was just one more mischief to add to Azula's list of crimes.
Mai, despite the disgust she visibly felt, hadn't had much trouble believing it when he told her about the princess's inappropriate behavior. However, he made a point of not lambasting his sister too much. So he insisted in his account of the state of drunkenness she was in. He still felt the need to stress this fact:
"I don't think she would have done this if she hadn't been drunk ..." -
"You don't think it or you don't want to think it?" admonished Mai. "Stop looking for pretexts for her amoral behavior! Face it Zuko! She's manipulating you."
"I'm not looking for a pretext. That's a fact, that's it. And I don't see what interest she would have in… seducing me. What benefit could she derive from it?"
Mai feigned a small cough: "Hmm! I don't know… the throne?"
Stunned, Zuko replied: "The throne ? But how ? Incestuous unions are prohibited in Fire Nation. Incest in itself is a crime! How could being with me bring her closer to power?"
"She could manipulate you, blackmail you, ruin your reputation forever. Denounce you and force the Fire Sages to make you abdicate ..."
"How would she benefit from it?" he replied incredulously. "Her reputation would be as damaged as mine!"
"Not if she claims you forced her…"
"I didn't ... I never will ..."
"Or that you used her vulnerability to manipulate her."
"But anyway ... I never ..."
" It doesn't matter what you think or what I think of it myself Zuko!" she suddenly lost her temper. "What matters is what others will think! You have enemies Zuko, people who are just waiting for an opportunity to dislodge you from the throne! And Azula has her supporters, don't forget that!"
"I made sure months ago that Azula was totally isolated and that no one from the outside could get in touch with her. She is completely ignorant of the factions that advocate her return to power."
"Please Zuko, we're talking about Azula!"
At this point in the conversation, Zuko felt a headache come over him. He pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers and closed his eyes so as not to give in to the mounting anger.
"Why do you refuse to trust her? Why don't you wanna see she's changed? That she's loyal to me !"
Still the old sterile quarrel. He knew in advance what Mai was going to say and his next line was ready.
But she surprised him:
"So what ? If she didn't do this to manipulate you, why? Because she would be in love with you? Is that what you hope for, maybe?"
Zuko felt his throat suddenly go dry. He had not anticipated this and he found himself speechless. Mai had to interpret his silence as a confession as her already white face turned pale and she uncrossed her arms to let them fall limply on either side of her slim body.
When he felt able to speak again, he grunted slowly, cautiously:
"How can you think that for a single moment? She's my sister…"
"I saw how you looked at her, and how she looked at you."
"What are you talking about? "
If he was being completely honest, he wouldn't have denied having noticed Azula's glances before, the seductive tone her voice took on when she spoke to him, the way her hands dragged on his shoulder, for longer that it was necessary, when she wanted to get his attention.
But he had never thought that… that it could mean… He had figured out that she just had to be quite a tactile person and that was her way of communicating with people. She had always been like this, right?
Fury was beginning to take hold of him. He was happy with Mai, and perfectly satisfied in every way. He had never dreamed of being with another woman, let alone Azula. The fact he occasionally noticed her charms was not indicative of some shameful desire.
And the fact he had let things get out of hand the week before shouldn't influence his outlook, either. He was drunk. They both were. Exhausted after a week of political rally, vigils to prepare for the next day's meeting, sleeplessness ... It was not so surprising that they felt the need to find some comfort near each other, isn't it ? Is that what siblings do, right ?
In truth, Zuko was sadly ignorant of what a sibling relationship should and could be. Their had always been such chaos. Hatred and jealousy had occupied a central place there, leaving them little time and energy to consider that there could be something else between them. But over the last few years, months, he thought he could say that a certain trust had arisen between them, and even a deep affection. It was the first time in their lives that they sought each other for anything other than fighting, and he was finally happy with their relationship.
Why did Azula have to come and soil everything? How did she manage to corrupt everything she touched?
"Tell me you didn't enjoy it at all," Mai said. "Not even a little ... Seeing her like that at your feet, begging you for a little affection ... Tell me it didn't affect you. Swear it to me"
"Mai…"
"Swear it to me Zuko! "
He didn't hesitate for a second. He rushed forward and hugged his wife. Mai's face hidden in the crook of his shoulder, the lie sprang easily from his lips: " I swear to you."
He felt as if Mai's body was relaxing against him. Soon she put her own arms around his waist. They stayed like that for a few seconds, Mai regaining control of her nerves, Zuko struggling against the wave of guilt that wrapped him.
Finally, Mai spoke again: "You have to do something Zuko…
"I'll talk to her…"
"If she had wanted you to talk to her, she would have already. No Zuko, I am not asking you for words, I am asking you for actions!"
"What do you mean ? What do you want me to do ?"
Mai pulled away from him a bit and glanced at the desk. Zuko followed her gaze and his eyes fell on a pile of piled up parchments. At the top of this pile, he recognized the last missive from a high dignitary of the Earth Kingdom. He hadn't read it yet, but guessed only too well what was in it.
"No. No Mai. I can't do this to her !
"This is the best solution Zuko. They will take care of her: she cannot hope for a better match. She will have more power than she can hope for here. And we'll finally be rid of her. You won't have to worry about her anymore."
"She will never accept! She will run away! And she will find herself alone! I can't do this to her Mai, she needs me. She only has me ..."
I don't want to be rid of her, he added inwardly.
"Precisely, you must not let this relationship of co-dependence set in. It's not healthy Zuko! Neither for her, nor for you ..."
"She is sick…"
"Stop brandishing this excuse to justify all her ignominies. Someone has to deal with Azula. Someone who won't be involved like we are."
"I will not force my sister to marry, Mai!" he replied firmly.
"Then find a solution! But find it quickly, otherwise, I'll take care of it. And it won't please you."
With that, she released him, quickly turned on her heel and before Zuko could respond, she had already left the room, leaving the Fire Lord alone and distraught.