Author's Note :
Hello.
Before posting chapter 8, I would like give you some clarification about some important element in my story because I'm afraid of not being very clear.
These remarks concern the sexual assault of Azula by Ozai and the title of my fiction : Black Sun (Soleil Noir in French). In addition to the oxymoron which reminds me of one of my favorite french poems by Gérard de Nerval ( El Desdichado), there is a whole symbolism behind this choice (which did not come to me immediately, hence the second title The Taste of Ashes which was actually the first. (Are you still following me?))
I kept this initial title so as not to lose my first readers, but today I much prefer Black Sun.
Now some explanations are in order :
● First, why the rape ?
I have always been convinced, watching the show, that Ozai must have severely punished Azula for Zuko's desertion. Indeed, it's after this event that the princess's attitude changes completely. She becomes more vicious and her relentlessness to kill Zuko reflects her resentment , her feeling of betrayal. The betrayed of her friends in the Boiling Rock is then the catalyst that finishes her descent into madness.
So it took a truly traumatic event to explain this sudden personality change. Rape may seem extreme but it works perfectly : many schizophrenics are indeed former victims of sexual abuse.
Plus, I think it's a very effective way for Ozai to assert his control over Azula. By possessing her physically, he asserts his domination over her, humiliates her and ensures her loyalty and submission.
He knows Azula has the strengths to dethrone him one day. If Zuko, less talented than Azula, was able to rebel, what will happen the day his daughter prodigy realizes her potential and frees herself from him? Through rape, he makes her a victim and irreparably deteriorates the image she has of herself. He thus kills the rival he saw in her.
Of course I will come back to the exact circumstances of this tragedy but I don't think (for the moment at least), to tell it from Ozai's POV, hence the need for these clarifications. Rape is also motivated by other reasons which you will find out in due time.
● Zuko's point of view :
Zuko is completely ignorant of what happened that day and while he can easily guess that his sister may have been abused, he does not appreciate the seriousness or the extent of it. He guesses that she had to face physical and moral violence but their possible sexual nature never occurred to him.
At the moment, I havn't yet determined the circumstances under which he will make this discovery. So I don't dwell on the subject.
Zuko may seem a bit naive and blind here but for his defense, Azula doesn't leave any clue about this. Firstly because of her seductive attitude towards the men and himself. Secondly because she hides it very well. So much so that she herself seems to have completely obscured this memory.
● Azula's point of view
This is precisely a point that I wish to clarify. Azula knows perfectly well what happened on the day of the Black Sun and is aware of the trauma that this has constituted. She probably knows that it was the event that made her switch definitively into an already rampant madness after years of abuses of all kinds.
If she gives the impression of having forgotten what happened in most of the scenes, it is precisely because she is waging a daily struggle to keep this traumatic memory at bay. But it always threatens, on the surface, hidden by this mental wall that she has built for herself and which crumbles as soon as a detail reminds her of this event.
When Zuko visits her in the asylum (end of Chapter 4), this is the first time that the memory returns to her without filter. No doubt because Zuko abuses her physically, because she's weak, vulnerable and has just spent weeks alone, in the dark.
The violence of this revelation explains the relapse and the deterioration of her mental state in the following months. But everything suggests that Azula ended up rebuilding the wall and learned to protect herself from the assaults of her memory. She lives in total denial of what happened to her. This is what allows her to possibly contemplate a sexual relationship with Zuko, although the idea scares her. She herself invokes false reasons (such as the chastity required for a princess) to explain this fear of intercourse. This resignation therefore comes from both this denial and the fact that she thinks, tragically, that this is the only way to link him to her and force him to love her.
The following will show us how Azula is evolving on the issue.
Anyway, for now, unable to give a sens to the rape, to put images or sensations over that memory, she evokes it only by symbols related to the context in which the agression occurred : the eclipse and the red canopy.
● Explanation of symbols :
For the canopy, the explanation is very simple: all the symbolism of this element is linked to its color, red: an explicit reference to blood, which flows following an injury but also during a deflowering.
For the eclipse it is more complex :
The eclipse has a symbolic role. First and foremost for obvious reasons : an eclipse can easily evoke a romantic or sexual encounter between the two stars, each representing contrary but complementary principles : female and male, light and darkness, hot and cold, yin and yang… This can apply equally to the Ozai / Azula tandem as to the Azula / Zuko couple.
In my opinion, it should be read both as a metaphor for rape, Ozai's progressive grip on his daughter, and Zuko and Azula's relationship.
Let me explain :
a) Eclipse as a symbol of rape:
I have noticed with interest that in many mythologies, eclipses are usually born out of violence. In amazonian myths, eclipses are the consequence of a violent argument between the moon and the sun, the latter wishing to unite with the first by force.
In China, it's a devouring monster that pursues the moon and the sun.
If in many civilizations the sun is more often a male principle, I think that in my story the sun is better suited to Azula : shiny, incandescent, powerful and deadly, inexhaustible source of energy, both destructive and fecund principle. The shadow of the moon by its darkness evokes in a rather simplistic way, Ozai, incarnation of evil and perversion. We are therefore witnessing the eternal struggle between light and darkness (two principles which are constantly in conflict with Azula). An interpretation which is not very original but it has the merit of making sense in my story context !
b) Eclipse as a symbol of Ozai's control on Azula :
In my mind, the ascending phase in which the moon's shadow slowly nibbles the sun may refer to the hold Ozai has had over his daughter for years. The total phase of course represents the rape in itself, the apogee of this destructive relationship - the shadow of the moon covering the sun simulating a sexual intercourse.
It's also the moment when Azula loses her sanity and sinks into madness. Here, the sunlight would obviously represent the reason obscured by the barbarity of Ozai's crime.
The descending phase corresponds to the time necessary for Azula to recover from the trauma (at least on the surface since she won't certainly never recover ).
The metaphor is reinforced by the fact that eclipses havn't any effect and leave no trace once they are over. Perhaps the rape didn'tt leave visible marks on Azula's body, but just as this cosmic phenomenon marks people's minds, sexual assault leaves indelible marks on Azula's.
c) Eclipse as a metaphor for the relationship between Zuko and Azula :
Now let's see my third hypothesis that the eclipse could be a metaphor for the relationship between Azula and her brother.
In chapter 4 where the secret is revealed, Azula wonders for a moment when the two stars will meet again. In this context, the moon and the sun refer rather to herself and to Zuko. Indeed, Azula and her brother spend their time looking for and fleeing each other and each of their meeting constitutes a significant event for both. Asking herself this question, Azula expresses her sorrow at the idea that her brother has left her to join the Avatar.
Another argument supporting this hypothesis : in Chinese myths, the eclipse is a monster that devours both the moon and the sun. The cosmic phenomenon itself could therefore represent Ozai devouring his two children : the moon for Zuko, the sun for Azula (or vice versa ? It's up to you !)
Finally, I discovered that in an African myth (in the Zambezi), eclipses result from a rivalry between the two stars, each wanting to be more beautiful, more brilliant than the other. This jealousy degenerates into mud fights (hence the black spot on the sun) ! I think it fits our characters so much !
To conclude, the title of my fiction can be interpreted in various ways. It's up to you to choose the one that suits you best or to invent another, or to think that none of this makes the slightest sense !
Anyway, that's why in my text, the rape memory takes the form of the eclipse haunting image in Azula's mind..
Here. I will end this presentation there. This author's note is far too long, and I thank I congratulate anyone who has been patient or determined enough to read it ! ^^ However, I hope that it will have fulfilled its role and clarified certain points or at least that I was clear.
Happy reading !
Chapter 8 - Sheaves of Fire and Rain of Ashes
Night had fallen and all the windows of the palace had gone dark. Breath-taking fireworks streaked the sky accompanied by shrill whistles.
From the outside, Mai could hear the enthusiastic exclamations of the crowd. "Oh!" and "Ah!" marvelled the spectators whenever a blue, green or red and gold flower erupted in a deafening bang above their heads.
The pyrotechnicians had surpassed themselves this year, she thought bitterly, sitting on the balcony of her room in her parents' home, her head resting on her folded arms against the stone railing.
She futilely tried to see if she could spot a figure crowned with a five-pronged headpiece.
What was Zuko doing right now?
What was he thinking?
Was he in the crowd admiring the firework display together with the courtiers?
Was he comfortably further away, apart, in a palanquin from where he could enjoy the spectacle in peace?
Was Azula with him?
Was he wrapping his arms around her, kissing her neck to make her laugh, as she watched the fireworks, like he had done with her the year before on his last birthday?
She tried to push that vile image out of her head.
But to be honest, what she felt now was less disgust and more grief. Deep sadness at the thought of not being there to share this moment with him.
She was aware she had made a terrible mistake when she acted behind Zuko's back as she had. She didn't anticipate the consequences her actions would have and had thought herself smarter than she really was. How arrogant of her!
She had thought she could use subterfuge, that she could manipulate Zuko. She thought she could get things to her advantage. But she wasn't Azula. Yes, she had to admit it, she had wanted to beat her sister-in-law at her own game, using the same weapons: cunning, deceit, lies.
But it wasn't for her. She had played, lost and burnt her fingers, and now she lost Zuko.
Behind her, in the darkness, she heard the sound of light footsteps and the rustle of a long garment lying on the floor.
She didn't bother to turn around.
"No need to waste your time, Mother, I know what you are going to say."
She remained perfectly still, without ceasing to contemplate the spectacle when her mother put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"Mai, my dear, I can't help but think that you should be over there, by his side."
Mai sighed deeply. Exasperation with her mother replaced bitterness and grief for a moment and she felt relieved, for a few precious seconds.
"I already told you. I'm not welcome there."
"I can't believe it, Mai. The Fire Lord has always been crazy about you. A little argument won't change that. I am certain of that. Moreover, your absence will have been noticed by now. What kind of wife do you make inflicting the shame of appearing alone on his birthday on our sovereign? What will the courtiers say?"
"I don't care what these raptors think. Let them talk. Zuko will find a lie. He is really good at that! It's in his blood. And I also don't care what you think."
Her mother said nothing, probably hurt by her offensive words, and they stood in silence for a moment, gazing at the multi-colored sprays of fire that exploded in a myriad of sparks in the indigo sky of this late spring.
"My dear," her mother said finally, taking advantage of a small moment of silence, "You still don't want to tell me what happened with Zuko?"
Hearing her mother, who usually insisted on convention, call the Fire Lord by his first name made something stir in her stomach, and that is probably what prompted her to respond more gently than usual.
"I can't, mom… I've already caused enough harm like that. I can't say more."
Of course, her parents must have heard the rumors about an alleged scandalous relationship between the Fire Lord and his mentally deranged sister, too. But if they did know, they had refrained from commenting in front of their daughter and anyway, Mai was convinced that their devotion to Zuko - and their narrow-mindedness - kept them from believing it. They couldn't imagine that such a despicable crime could take place in the palace, a stone's throw from their door.
In truth, only Azula, Zuko and Mai knew what had really happened. But the truth was ugly enough. Why did gossipers and slanderers need to exaggerate reality in such a way?
If the rampant rumors were to be believed, Zuko met Azula every night in a brothel in the Caldera where they indecently indulged in sinful pleasures.
It was also claimed that the princess received visits from many other men, nobles, wealthy merchants, and commoners alike and that she gave herself to them shamelessly and without distinction. That was why no one had seen her for weeks and why no one was guarding the doors to her room anymore.
Of course, Mai didn't believe it. Neither Zuko nor Azula would have been stupid enough to take such risks for all to see. And she knew Azula well enough to know that she would never give herself to a peasant, or even to a man of lower standing than herself. Azula was a princess, a real one, and she needed nothing less than the king in her bed, even if he was her own brother!
To be completely honest, she also didn't believe that anything had happened between them since she left and was certain that the doors to Azula's apartments were still firmly closed.
At least she was smart enough to feel the need to hide.
When she allowed herself to imagine the scene Zuko had described to her, Mai was on the verge of nausea.
She couldn't help but imagine Zuko with his head thrown back, eyes closed, hands tucked into Azula's hair, as he did with her when she knelt in front of him to his delight.
He refused to admit it, but she was sure he had enjoyed every second of that little game, at least until he found a remnant of reason and realized the enormity of what was happening.
She was also unsure whether to believe him when he claimed he had stopped things before they went any further. He had lied to her before, telling her that Azula only kissed him after teasing him a bit. He could also have lied about that.
Could she forgive him one day? Could she spend her nights again in the arms of a man who had let his own sister do that to him?
Her mother's voice interrupted her train of thought.
"I'm sure he would be happy if you were with him tonight. I know you don't care what the world thinks about it, but he's the Fire Lord. You cannot be indifferent to what people think of you. The eyes of the whole world are upon you. A stable relationship gives him credibility and authority. If you don't appear by his side tonight, you will affirm the rumors and you will give way to the horrible insinuations that have been made about him."
So she knew. Mai couldn't claim to be surprised. Never had her mother spoken to her so frankly and although it cost her a lot to admit it, she had to recognize that her words made sense for once.
"I'm going to bed," her mother said, running a loving hand through her hair. "Think about what I told you. Good night."
Mai didn't answer and slumped further against the railing, dreaming of knife blades, daggers and shuriken slashing a face with ruby lips and amber eyes.
Zuko was not among the crowd of onlookers who gazed blissfully at the pyrotechnical masterpiece unfolding outside.
He was not in a palanquin either, comfortably enjoying the show. And neither was his sister by his side, huddled in his arms as Mai had imagined.
In truth he had taken advantage of the distraction of the guests, attracted like midges by the fireworks, to slip away and take refuge in the royal garden, in front of the turtleduck pond to which he absent-mindedly threw the remains of a cake a servant had almost thrust into his hands earlier.
[flashback] Sitting on the throne specifically installed for this occasion in the reception hall, he'd had to endure the tributes and flattery of the courtiers who lined up to come and congratulate him, all armed with a sumptuous gift each that a valet put on a large table covered with a golden tray. A pile of presents he had no intention of opening awaited him there, fiercely guarded by a servant willing to give his life for this noble task.
As some had inquired about Mai, he replied in a tone that he hoped was assured, that the Fire Lady had unfortunately been sick for a week, that her life was not in danger and that she was resting in her parents' residence where she would be in peace, far from the tumult of the preparations at the palace.
The rampant rumors about his relationship with Azula were bad enough without adding the noise of his breakup with Mai. He still hoped she would come back. He was starting to regret the words he had said to her, the way he let her go, without a word to hold her back.
Every night he fell asleep with his back to the wall so as not to see the empty place next to him. More than once he had thought of sneaking out of the palace and joining her on the way up to her balcony, as he did when they were teenagers, after Azula had brought him back to the Caldera.
Two nights earlier, he woke up and decided to carry out his plan. Along the way, he had started to think about everything he was going to say to her, tried to anticipate her reaction and he carefully prepared every word of the little speech he was going to deliver once he found himself in front of her. She would be forced to listen to him, to understand, to come back and forgive him.
Suddenly, in his field of vision, a detail appeared, momentarily catching his attention. He stopped short to contemplate the colorful patterns of a tapestry representing the fight against a dragon of one of his illustrious ancestors, whose name he had completely forgotten.
Azula would have known!
He realized with amazement that he had taken a completely different path than the one that should have led him to the underground passages he intended to use. He did not want to be seen leaving by the main entrance, always meticulously guarded by twenty soldiers.
Absorbed in his thoughts, he had taken no notice of his route and his footsteps instinctively led him to a wing of the palace where he should not have been at such a late hour, especially in these days.
The large double-leaf door leading to his sister's apartment was still unguarded.
Confused, disoriented, not knowing at all how he ended up here when he should have gone in the opposite direction, he felt his determination falter. He wasn't convinced he wanted to go to Mai anymore. Anyway, she should be asleep by now... he didn't want to frighten or disturb her.
Whereas Azula… He knew the princess, like him, was prone to insomnia, and probably more so now.
He fought for a moment the temptation to knock on the door, force himself through if necessary, walk towards Azula, take her by the shoulders and shake her unceremoniously until she explained why, why had she done this? Why did she have to soil everything? To pervert him like this?
Why didn't she open the door? Why was she refusing his help, support and affection?
Why did Azula have to complicate everything? Couldn't she just be the little sister he had always dreamed of? Soft, strong and loving at the same time, like Katara?
He had to talk to her. He had to see her at all costs to be finally free from the deeply confusing dreams that tormented him night after night.
It was always the same: an enchanting voice with sweet words whispered bewitching promises into his ear. Amber eyes, encrusted everywhere in the walls, in the pillars of the throne room, and even on his pillowcases, staring intently, wherever he goes, with long black and gently curved lashes. Long sharp fingernails penetrated his flesh while his were lost in her own hair which was as dark as the night. Ruby lips trailing along his skin, settling on every inch of his body, on his mouth, his neck and they escaped him whenever he tried to capture them in his, but they always evaded him.
He couldn't bear to wake up panting in the middle of the night anymore, both horrified, ashamed and terribly frustrated, struggling to contain the erection that lifted his sheets.
He fought to dispel the unwelcome images that continued to seep into his hazy mind by digging his fingers into his blanket.
What vile instinct had led him here, before the hopelessly closed doors of Azula's apartment, late at night instead of joining the only woman he had ever loved?
Tortured, he leaned against the door, his fingers caressing the door frame, whispering his sister's name in the darkness.
[end of flashback]
At the edge of the pond, as the last explosions of the fireworks celebrating his twenty-second birthday rang out, he thought back to the way he had stood against the door, his fist half raised, ready to knock, until the sound of footsteps and iron hitting the ground, betraying the presence of the Imperial Guard, interrupted his reverie and forced him to flee. It really didn't make sense to wander around this part of the palace these days. Above all, he didn't want to invite anymore rumors.
Giving up on his plan, he had returned to his apartments, his already gloomy mood made worse by his failure. He hadn't managed to fall asleep before dawn.
Two feet covered in pointy-toed shoes. Brown breeches suddenly appeared in his sight, topped with familiar yellow baggy pants. Of course, the airbender had the ability to move with such discretion that even Zuko himself, whose senses were so finely sharpened by his years of exile and sneaking, was surprised to suddenly see him.
"Aang!" He exclaimed, awkwardly straightening up to face him.
His friend stood in front of him, tall and proud, his blue arrow almost giving Zuko the impression of twinkling in the starlight.
Since the Avatar's return, the situation has calmed down slightly. Aang has convinced him to convene the Council again.
Lu Fang had returned to Ba Sing Se, where other business required his attention. After all, he was not a member of the council. He had only been delegated by King Kuei, no doubt too busy teaching tricks to his stupid bear. Without the quarrelsome minister, the meetings had taken place in a more serene atmosphere. Any allusion to Princess Azula had been carefully avoided. Discussions continued and they seemed to be heading towards an agreement.
Zuko would send part of his troops to pacify areas where riots were of particular concern. The Order of the White Lotus would take care of protecting settler-occupied neighborhoods in less populated areas. Omashu and Ba Sing Se would also assist in the effort by using Dai Li agents to spot militias and dismantle networks of rebels. The Earth Kingdom would also send a regiment to assist the Fire Nation soldiers in their mission. The idea was that the troops of the two nations appear together to set an example for the citizens by proving that they all can work hand in hand, and that their respective governments felt concerned about the safety and the well-being of everyone.
At the same time, discussions had been initiated to consider a new plan aimed at accelerating decolonization without forcing the settler families to leave the lands in which they were born and worked. For this, they had drafted the idea of a three-year plan to replace the administrators of the colonies: from the next few weeks, part of the administrative positions would be reserved for subjects from the Earth Kingdom and officials from the Fire Nation would only remain long enough to ensure the transition before giving way. They would then return to the Caldera from where they could request a transfer to the future United Republic of Nations.
Without Lu Fang to stoke the tensions, members of the Earth Kingdom had been much more cooperative. Aang had promised Zuko that he would speak to King Kuei about his case on his next diplomatic trip to Ba Sing Se.
Aang must have suspected that it was something else that was gnawing at his friend that night and that explained why he was alone in front of a pond, feeding turtleducks while a hundred guests, all of them High-profile members of the Fire Nation's high society gathered to celebrate his birthday.
"Please tell me you came to kill me..." Zuko muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. "Or to tell me that a firework rocket has inadvertently finished its run on the crowd and devastated everything in its path..."
Aang just smiled and put a hand on his shoulder: "No Zuko, I'm afraid that if you want to destroy your courtiers in a deluge of fire, you must use your own bending. You are expected in the reception hall. Kadao is starting to panic, and people have already noticed your absence."
Zuko rolled his eyes, took a deep breath and said soberly: "I thought wars were the worst problem a monarch could face during his reign... I largely underestimated the nuisances and the ravages of social events."
Aang laughed before risking: "Not to mention the princesses..."
"Don't tell me! This is hell!" he growled, thinking of his wife and sister, both locked in their teenage rooms, walled in stubborn silence.
He'd hurt the two women who mattered the most to him and couldn't forgive himself.
He agreed to follow Aang, taking his time. Every minute he didn't spend in this room overloaded with gilding, flourishes and flatterers was a saved minute.
As he walked alongside his best friend, he suddenly remembered that, drowned in his own troubles, he hadn't even thought to ask him how he was doing.
"What about you Aang? How are you doing? Don't you miss Katara too much?"
"Yes, terribly... But I know how important her mission is. It's essential that the girls learn to bend Water as she does in all the tribes. She contributes in her own way to a fairer world where women and men will be equal, united under one name: humanity! I'm proud of her and I'm convinced that her cause is worth the sacrifice of not seeing each other for several months."
Zuko smiled and went on giving him a little kick in the ribs:
"Even if that means you have to sleep in a cold bed every night?"
"I have to admit that this detail sometimes tilts the scale!"
They burst into laughter. Zuko realized he hadn't laughed in weeks and suddenly felt much lighter and didn't find the oppressive atmosphere of the reception hall so overbearing next to a friend.
They walked in silence for some more time and as they reached the entrance to the palace, Aang stopped him.
"Zuko, before you go, you must know… I came to warn you…"
"What?" Zuko asked, suddenly anxious.
"Azula..."
"What's the matter? What's wrong with her? Is she okay? Is she hurt?"
"No Zuko, that's not it. Don't worry. It's just that... She's here tonight..."
Here she was.
Gorgeous in her golden qipao dress, with floral patterns, high collar and short sleeves, falling to her ankles, hugging all of her curves.
Her hair was tied back in an elegant, sophisticated bun, and from a distance, Zuko thought he saw in her hair, as dark as a winter night, the small ornate brooches he had removed one by one in front of the mirror the other night.
An unpleasant shiver ran down his spine at the memory.
For the moment, she didn't seem to have noticed him and presented her profile to him.
She was in deep conversation with a young nobleman Zuko thought he recognized as the son of a naval lieutenant who had served during Ozai's reign. The young man was very good-looking. He was a head taller than Zuko and his close-fitting outfit revealed developed biceps which earned him many stealthy looks from women.
He spoke animatedly and Azula looked at him with interest, sometimes breaking out with a sudden, graceful laugh. Her red, painted lips kept smiling and Zuko swore for a moment that she had nibbled her lower lip once or twice.
He turned away, wanting to see nothing more of this infuriating sight and, taking a glass, he stepped into a dark corner of the room, between two pillars, hoping to be forgotten. Aang had already moved away to give him the opportunity to go talk to his sister.
But it was illusory. Everyone had eyes only for the Fire Lord, especially the mothers of young girls to be married who, he knew, were already speculating on the Fire Lady's mysterious disappearance. Each hoped to introduce her own daughter to Zuko, hoping he would elect her as his next wife or, failing that, his favorite concubine. It was already a lot more than they could hope for, Zuko thought as he looked with a wicked smile at a skinny girl with a sullen face and straight hair who glanced at him every now and then. He raised his glass in her direction. She blushed furiously and turned to her friends who all began to giggle stupidly.
The sound of their laughter suddenly caught Azula's attention, right behind them. Golden-brown eyes roamed the room and fell onto Zuko's. He felt his entrails melt in his stomach but did his best to hold up her glowing gaze.
Without looking away, Azula put a delicate white hand on her admirer's muscular arm and with a small smile, whispered something in his ear. Apparently, what she said pleased him because the fop let her go with a satisfied air, perfectly unbearable for Zuko, and his eyes followed her as she moved away from him. A gleam of lust shone in his fine brown eyes that stared at a point well below Azula's back.
"Look away, you pervert," Zuko growled between his teeth.
He took a big sip of wine to give himself courage and waited for her, heart pounding. He tried to give his face the most impassive expression possible.
He didn't take his eyes off her for even a moment while she walked over to him, a glass of red wine in her hand, making her way down the floor among the dancers, her hips waving conspicuously under the flowing fabric of her dress.
Finally, she was at his side.
"Nice evening Zuzu. I don't think I've had the opportunity to wish you a happy birthday yet.
"Thank you," he muttered, looking down at his own glass. I didn't expect to see you tonight."
Azula brought a hand to her lips and burst into the same fake and flirtatious giggle she had feigned to her suitor a few seconds earlier.
"Which princess and which sister would I be if I didn't attend the Fire Lord's birthday party? I wouldn't offend you like that, brother dear."
Then she returned her attention to the dance floor, dipping her ruby lips into her glass, a small smile on her lips.
That was all Zuko needed to figure out she knew about Mai.
Around them the guests were dancing and laughing, miraculously indifferent to the Fire Lord and his sister who stood side by side for the first time in over three weeks.
He took advantage of Azula's attention being diverted by the crowd around them to observe her better. She wore perfect makeup as usual, but she looked paler than usual. Her arms and neck seemed thinner, and her gaze seemed a little distant, almost sad, despite the obvious efforts she was making to compose a jovial face.
Refusing to play her game, he whispered, reproachfully: "I was worried. I haven't seen you for days. Why haven't you opened up to anyone?"
She turned her amber eyes to him and stared intently.
"I was thinking..."
Zuko swallowed hard before answering:
"And can we know about what exactly?"
"Oh, you know… the future of the nation, the peacekeeping, the best outfit to wear to celebrate my darling brother's birthday, what bottle of wine to open next, to the suitor to whom I go offer my next dance… all those superficial and meaningless things that encumber the mind of a well-fitting princess."
"Stop it, Azula," he hissed furiously before snatching her glass from her hand.
Azula gave an indignant exclamation and tried in vain to take back the cup he was now holding out of her reach.
"You've been hiding for days," he continued, still in a low voice and in an angry tone, "you refuse to open your door, you barely touch your meals and here you are now, appearing at this evening as if nothing had ever happened, emptying glasses and flirting with the first idiot you find!"
"You know nothing! He's a lovely boy. And we had a very pleasant conversation… And he has other qualities that you yourself will probably have failed to notice," she finished, pinching her lower lip between her thumb and forefinger.
The smirk that formed on her mouth was perfectly infuriating and Zuko was glad to have the glasses in his hands so he wouldn't have to fight the urge to clench his fists in rage.
"Really Azula, I doubt that he has only pleasant discussions in mind when he looks at you!"
"Oh… are you jealous, Zuzu? I can ask him to leave you a piece of the pie if you want."
Repressing a violent shudder, Zuko, mad with rage, put the glasses back on the tray of a valet who was walking conveniently in front of them, and suddenly took her by the hand: "That 's enough ... You come with me!" he ordered, pulling her behind him before disappearing behind a curtain leading to a deserted corridor.
There, he led her to a small wooden door fitted in the wall, opened it, and they entered a small, low ceiling room, only furnished with a bed and a nightstand. An alcove, holed in the wall, led to a small, somewhat shabby bathroom.
The function of this room left no doubt in Zuko's eyes.
These secret rooms intended for couples in search of a little privacy had been built during the reign of Sozin, whose taste for concubines and unbridled parties was notorious.
He and Mai had already used it in the early days of their marriage, when, too impatient to reach their apartments at the other end of the palace, the call of their senses had guided them there, fleeing a forbidding evening.
He bitterly chased away the memory of those happy days and wondered grimly if Azula had already used them too.
He was growing uncomfortable at the thought of being here with her. It certainly wasn't the kind of room where a brother and sister should be together. Especially these days.
Meanwhile, she took the opportunity to free herself from his grip and began to walk around the room with a critical eye, her eyes stopping on the bed and then the small bathroom.
"Zuzu!" she exclaimed, feigning a scandalized tone. "When I was talking about getting your share of the pie, it wasn't a metaphor! Who knew you were so greedy from all points of view..."
She let out an amused chuckle, looked up at him with a burning glance, and innocently placed a lock of hair behind her ears.
However, in her amber eyes, it was no longer the hope and desire that he had seen burn the other night: What he thought he read there now was an anger, which had undoubtedly been contained for days. He could almost see her inner fire dancing in her dilated pupils.
She wasn't really trying to seduce him; she was challenging him.
She slowly approached him and Zuko froze when she put a trailing hand with long fingernails on his arm.
"But who am I to deny the Fire Lord what he desires on his birthday?"
She had lowered her voice and the tone she used was deeply confusing, bewitching. For a moment Zuko forgot to breathe.
Fortunately, he was sober this time, and the certainty that she was only provoking him gave him the necessary confidence to react: "Stop this right now Azula," he scolded her, pulling away from her. "This isn't funny!"
"Oh, but I would never laugh at something so serious," she said, turning away from him.
Zuko took a deep breath as he saw her walk away.
"Tell me what you want Zuko… Our absence must have already been noticed. And my suitor is waiting for me for a walk in the gardens. And to me he looks like a petty… intense and impatient man… I wouldn't want to make him wait too long."
"You're not going to join him tonight," he replied calmly.
She gave him a surprised look that quickly changed to an amused expression.
"You let your turn pass, Zuzu, but that's no reason to deprive others," she smirked.
"This is serious, Azula. Do you ignore what the Court murmurs about us?"
"I don't know if I can live another minute without knowing it. Enlighten me, please Zuzu."
Zuko ignored her sarcasm and replied instead: "You can't disappear for weeks, like you did, let the worst rumors run through my account and reappear as if by magic, on my birthday when the palace is full of all the influential figures of the Court, to play the harlot with the son of a simple lieutenant of the navy!"
"On the contrary, Zuko, don't you see that I'm working to preserve the Fire Lord's reputation? Seeing myself on another man's arm should silence the gossips about us. Or at least those about you. I'm afraid it will be hopeless in my case."
"Are you aware of the rumors?" Zuko asked, scowling.
"I have ears, Zuko. I know perfectly well what is being said and what happened on the day of the council with that idiot of Lu Fang. Besides, your reaction was rather... excessive. Too bad I was not there that day to temper your ardor."
"Isn't it? You knew perfectly well that I needed you and you remained stubbornly hidden in your room, all because you didn't have the courage to take responsibility for what you did!"
This time Azula gave up all pretence. She looked downright angry now.
"What have I done? And what exactly did I do that you didn't do yourself Zuko? I didn't find you very determined to push me away when I was kneeling in my bathroom, my mouth an inch from your..."
"Rhaa, shut up!" he exclaimed in disgust, placing a hand on his face. "I never want to hear about that again! What happened that night was… it was wrong, it was... disgusting! It must never happen again! Can you hear me Azula? I don't know what went through your mind or what you were hoping for but… We were both drunk and… I… I never wanted to, never will want to be with you like that!"
Azula lowered her head and Zuko understood that he had hurt her, but she put back her mask so quickly that he wondered if he had not imagined it.
The confrontation wasn't going as he had hoped. He had pictured the scene very differently. He hoped that Azula had kept only a confused memory of the events, or that she would have laughed and apologized, or that she would have burst into tears in his arms, assuring that it was her fault and that it would never happen again.
He wasn't prepared for this reaction. He was convinced that, like him, Azula must deeply regret what had happened and that she only felt disgust towards herself.
How could it be otherwise?
"Very well," she finally said in an offended tone. "In this case I don't see what prevents me from leaving and rejoining my idiot and spending the evening in his company. That will certainly be nicer than sharing yours. "
And as she turned on her heels and was about to leave the room with a stiff step, he caught her by the wrist and pulled her towards him. She wasn't going to get away with that and continue to publicly humiliate him.
She cried out, both because of indignation and pain when he clenched his fist around her wrist.
Surprised, Zuko looked down, and, suspicious, turned Azula's arm in his palm and discovered in horror the ugly scars that were not there the last time he had seen her.
Before she could react, he quickly grabbed her other hand and turned it the same way to see identical marks on her light skin.
"Azula, he said in a blank voice… what is this?"
Blushing miserably, she quickly withdrew her arms from Zuko's grip and complained: "Don't touch me!"
"You swore to me you wouldn't hurt yourself anymore!" he hissed fiercely.
The angry words came before she could think of holding them back: "So you shouldn't have hurt me first!"
And with these words, tears shining in her amber eyes, she turned and slammed the door behind her, leaving him alone in the room, with shame and guilt as his sole companions.
"Mai! You're here? What a surprise!" Aang exclaimed as he saw the young noble woman appear. Her thin, brooding face and heavy black bangs, were hooded in a large purple cloak.
"Please, don't yell it from the rooftops. I don't want anyone to notice me until I find Zuko. Do you know where he is?"
After wavering, Aang confessed that he had not seen him for a while.
"Still too busy trying to impress these ladies with your airbending? Tsss, what would Katara say?" she asked in an inquiring tone that elicited a nervous little laugh from the young Avatar.
But Aang was fairly sure he had seen her smiling. It was rare enough for Mai that he noticed it.
Resuming his seriousness, he whispered:
"I'm glad you're here. Zuko has been grumbling since you left. It's great that you forgive him..."
"I never said I forgave him," she snapped sharply.
Then, sagging her shoulders, she confessed: "I miss him, it's true… and… I was probably wrong to react the way I did. Finally, I don't know why I'm telling you about it… You don't know anything…"
It took him too long to compose a face and she understood instantly.
"Did he tell you about it?" she asked so sharply that the dancers around them paused to look at them curiously.
Mai put her hood back on her head and coughed lightly, "Come on," she ordered in a tone suffering no objection.
Aang followed her, cutting through the dance floor, shooting a little worried look around him. He saw neither Zuko or Azula. If these two were together, the timing couldn't be worse...
Aang had vowed not to judge Zuko for what he told him. And it has been a long time since he had given up trying to understand the complex personality of the princess. As long as she no longer tried to brutally murder them, he felt able to tolerate her presence.
Katara and he had already talked together about Azula's sometimes inappropriate behavior when she was in her brother's presence, but they had chosen to laugh about it instead. Given the family in which she had been raised, Azula probably still needed to learn how to be a sister. Never had they imagined that there could be something so deeply unhealthy between the siblings.
Aang also couldn't get rid of the uneasiness he still felt about Azula. What if her futile attempt at seduction had only been one of her machinations to gain access to the throne? What if she had sought to damage her brother's reputation to be more credible in the eyes of public opinion?
Zuko had told him Azula had nothing to do with the rumors spreading throughout the city. He had proof of it. But that hadn't completely freed him from his suspicions towards the princess. The way Zuko constantly sought to defend his sister worried him more and more. And he couldn't help but see in it a sign of the young prodigy's influence on her more credulous brother.
He blamed himself for this attitude. The monks raised him by teaching him compassion and Azula probably needed it more than anyone. Aang was one of the few people Zuko had allowed to visit Azula in the asylum. And although he had only been there twice, he had to admit that he came out deeply upset.
Witnessing the physical and mental downfall of the girl who had once been his enemy, gazing, helplessly, at Zuko's efforts to try and interact with this sister who had always hated him, had been heart-breaking and he hoped he would never see her in such a state again.
The princess had changed, unquestionably, and was generally humble and courteous to them. But obviously she wasn't looking for their company and only stayed with them for Zuko. Ty Lee was arguably the only person, besides her brother, who Azula allowed to spend more time with her than strictly necessary to share a dinner or an evening among friends.
Aang sincerely wished he could find in himself the strength to forgive and understand her. But behind her mask of calm and courtesy, Azula did not inspire confidence. He still seemed to perceive in her amber eyes the starve for power driving her when she stalked them across the world.
The fact that Zuko and Azula seem to have evaporated from the evening confirmed his worst fears. Could it be that Zuko, after three weeks without seeing her, had finally succumbed to the trap set for him by the Princess?
Aang couldn't say what the Fire Lord's real feelings were towards his sister. He hadn't managed to pick up any clue in his story that would allow him to know whether or not to worry about him.
Toph could have.
Mai had led him into the hall. Guests were passing from the entrance to the large reception hall, but everyone seemed too busy or drunk to pay attention to them. As a precaution, she nevertheless guided him a little further, aside, and began: "Tell me everything you know."
"May… it's… it's embarrassing."
"Has Zuko told you everything? Did he tell you what he did with Azula?
"He told me what Azula had tried to do, yes."
Mai paused for a moment and Aang thought he saw something resembling hope passing through her half-moon eyes. Mai must have known that Zuko would try to be honest with him. So, if the version of events he presented to Aang was similar to the story he told her, then maybe she could believe it? Aang vowed that, even under torture, he would never reveal his own doubts to Mai about Zuko's intentions.
But she didn't make it easy for him: "Do you believe him when he says he never wanted that?"
"I believe him when he says he regrets it, and knowing Zuko, he would never do such a thing. He knows that Azula is a complicated person and that she is psychologically unstable. He would never take advantage of her like that."
"Not even if she gave him a chance?"
"I don't think so," he said, frankly uncomfortable now.
Mai continued the offensive: "What about you? You are a man after all?"
Aang chose not to take offense.
"What would you do if she tried to seduce you like she did with Zuko? Won't you let things get out of hand? Be honest: Azula may be hateful, she's a beautiful girl, don't deny it."
"I don't! Only, I… I never thought about it… I love Katara!"
"Exactly!" Mai concluded, visibly satisfied as she struck the palm of her left hand with the edge of her right.
Aang realized too late that she had tricked him. Using his reasoning against her, he retorted: "Listen Mai, Zuko loves you, that's not the point. I can assure you after everything he's told me about you. He is ready to forgive you."
"But who says I am?"
"The fact that you're here tonight?"
As the young woman slumped her head miserably, he took pity on her and put a compassionate hand on her shoulder. He saw it as an encouraging sign that she wasn't trying to evade.
"Mai," he continued, "I can promise you one thing: "Zuko never wanted what happened with Azula. He regrets every second of that evening. He blames himself for hurting you, for hurting her."
"And how dare she feel hurt? When she behaved like the worst kind of whore, trying to seduce my husband? Her own brother! What kind of person would do that?"
"I don't pretend to know Azula's motives and honestly, I don't believe anyone can. But Zuko is her closest friend. She is very lonely, and he is the only one who does not look at her with either fear or disgust."
"Why do you all feel the need to defend her? You too, she tried to kill you! And Zuko too! Wait, was he the one who told you all this?"
Aang eluded.
"Azula is his little sister Mai, and he cares about her. Even if she does unforgivable things, his role is to show her compassion and tenderness in all circumstances."
"Ah! Very well, you are reassuring me! So, it was only tenderness when she tried to suck his..."
"Mai!" he interrupted hastily, wincing at her crudity, "I don't quite see what you expect from me. I can see that you are hurt and believe me, I understand. But resentment and revenge never bring anything good."
"Please don't impose your maddening Avatar wisdom on me."
"I'm sure of one thing: if you come back, he will do everything to correct his mistakes. He'll settle things with Azula. But you must not force him to do so, and you can't ask him to take her out of his life. She's his sister, she needs him and he needs her. Even if they probably don't show it in the most appropriate or conventional way…" he conceded.
"What do you know about sibling relationships?" she retorted.
"I spent years traveling with Sokka and Katara, and I saw that things could sometimes be very complicated, even though they are simple people. But Azula and Zuko…"
Mai didn't even answer. Needless to say, how complex these two were. Why was everything always so tragic and complicated with them?
"Mai, find in yourself the strength to forgive Zuko and you'll see that he did already. He will do his best to make things right and find a solution that everyone is satisfied with. And I promise you," he said, putting both hands on her shoulders, "I will be there to help you."
Mai shrugged uncertainly, but nodded, and finally removed her hood, revealing her face and raven hair.
"I suppose you're right… Come on, let's start by finding my stupid husband."
Smiling, Aang ducked to make way for her and followed her through the hall to the reception room from which escaped the notes of a triumphant waltz, happy laughter and parts of animated conversations.
The Avatar was satisfied. At least one Zuko problem was going to be solved soon.
He couldn't help but notice the curious stares and muffled exclamations of surprise the courtiers uttered as they saw their Fire Lady penetrating into the room, escorted by the Avatar, very dignified, head high, in a very regal attitude.
He admired the way she managed to ignore their excited whispers and the fingers pointed at them. He guessed that a few years at the head of the nation had to develop this ability to keep up a mask of indifference in Mai.
But that distant and cold demeanor suddenly collapsed, along with Aang's smile as Princess Azula herself appeared from behind a curtain. Aang immediately noticed the way Mai's usually impassive face changed: an expression of sheer surprise and hatred imprinted on her features.
Azula did not seem to notice them. She herself looked a little defeated. Her cheeks were very pink and her eyes red with tears. Flyaways were escaping from her otherwise impeccably styled hair.
The princess, without looking at anyone, strode across the room and disappeared into the hall. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the young gallant man with whom Azula had conversed earlier, rush to his feet and follow her outside. He would have liked to warn him that, for his safety, he should better abstain, but at the same time, a more worrying detail caught his attention. Zuko burst into the room, through the same curtain Azula had just crossed.
The conversations gradually broke off and to make things worse, the musicians had just finished their piece. Thus, no one could miss a thing of the drama.
A hundred pairs of eyes were on them: Mai, in the middle of the room, panting painfully, glaring murderously at the Fire Lord who had just emerged from a secret room in which he had obviously been alone with his sister.
Aang thought in horror of the color of Azula's cheeks, the strands of hair scattered on the back of her neck… and he felt an unpleasant chill run down his spine.
Nonplussed, Zuko's eyes swept the room from one corner to the other and finally settled on his wife, his golden eyes grew wide. Aang could see from the expression on his friend's face that he was drawing the same conclusions as everyone else here.
Aang slapped his forehead with his hand.
The timing couldn't be worse.
The princess crossed the hall as fast as her dress, tightened around her ankles, and her high-heeled shoes allowed her.
Crimson face, tears blurring her sight, she walked quickly to the gigantic front door guarded by a dozen sentries, all men dressed in the ruddy tack of the Imperial Guards. For the moment, they stood casually on their spears, joking and laughing at the antics of one of their comrades who mimicked, with great obscene gestures, his last meeting with some loose woman he screwed in a brothel in the Caldera.
They froze in place when they saw their princess approaching, completely indifferent to their presence, visibly angry and upset.
Their captain snapped them to attention, and they suddenly pulled up in a loud metallic crash, creating a sort of guard of honor for Azula who passed between them without a glance, too shaken by her altercation with Zuko to take offense at their obvious negligence.
Speeding up, she soon sank into the darkness of the deserted garden.
The sobs stuck in her throat threatened to explode at any time, along with the fire she felt spread into every cell of her body, ready to burst out from her.
Quick! A target, something to burn, to destroy! Anything!
It was wrong...
The Agni Kai arena was to be occupied by the parade of Imperial Guard soldiers repeating their performance under the watchful eye of General Kadao. But the training yard must have been empty by this time. If she could get there fast enough, maybe she could...
It was disgusting...
Although already out of breath, she increased the pace further. She was already starting to lose control of herself. Smoke billowed from the corners of his lips and from the tips of his fingers.
It must never happen again.
Her chest heaved dangerously with each of her breaths. Scalding tears now flowing freely down her cheeks. The fire contained within her consumed her and seemed to devour her from within. She would never reach the practice yard in time.
...I will never want to be with you.
All that energy wasted trying to please him! She should have known he despised her. All these attentions, these one-on-one dinners, these walks arm-in-arm in the gardens, these affectionate gestures… Was it only pity? Did that mean nothing to him?
She knew Zuko had as soft a heart as Mother. Her mistake had been to believe, naively, that she occupied a privileged place there.
It was wrong.
He didn't love her. Would never love her the way she wanted him to.
It was disgusting.
She remembered herself again, at his feet, her hands wrapping his waist, her lips pressing fiery kisses to Zuko's chest and stomach. The feel of his fingers tangling her hair while she allowed her mouth to go lower...
It must never happen again.
She suddenly fell to her knees on a carpet of flowers and, before she could restrain herself, uttered an agonizing, almost beastly howl, accompanied by a shining blast of blue flames. It lit up the darkness and instantly scorched the grassy, flowery surface in front of her. Smoke rose between her fingers, stuck in the ground, and she could feel electric shocks at their tips.
At least she had managed to get away far enough not to be seen by the guards.
The fire she had created was already beginning to die in front of her. She was grateful that the overwhelming heat of the last few days had prompted the palace gardeners to water the plants abundantly after dark.
The feeling of wetness under her knees and under her hands helped her calm down. Already, she no longer felt the fiery flame burning her from within. Relieved and exhausted at the same time, she made a distracted gesture with her hand to smother the last embers and fell back on her back. She struggled to regain her normal breathing, her hand resting on her breastbone, face lifted skyward.
I will never want to be with you.
How could she have thought, how could she have hoped that something would happen between them? There were too many obstacles to their relationship. Their blood, their entourage, their opposing personalities, their aspirations...
Once again, shame crept into her. The shame she had learned to accept, which had become her companion, which she had ended up taming.
The shame that consumed her first when she began to understand the true nature of her feelings for her brother.
She often wondered how she had come to love this fool who had always despised her. This stubborn, reckless boy who had been too stupid to shut up when he should, who betrayed his nation… who left her alone for three years with their father.
Ozai had forged the monster she was today. He had stripped her of gentleness, humanity and compassion that remained in her. Sometimes she was grateful to him. He made her strong and almost invincible. But in the end her mind turned against her… Her mind which was in a constant and desperate struggle against its own weaknesses.
How to retain power without becoming a cruel monster? How to be accepted by Mai and Ty Lee without forcing them through making them fear her? How to bond with Zuko without displeasing Ozai?
She lied for him, renounced her own glory. And he had denounced and betrayed her.
Then Father…
What a terrible mistake she made the day she decided to follow in her brother's footsteps! How she blamed herself for it today! But how could she have guessed that this curious feeling of a void which she felt while thinking of her banished brother would turn to this unhealthy obsession once she had found him?
Sometimes she guessed that Zuko's prolonged absence had led her to idealize the brother she had once loved, who had been her playmate, who took her by the hand on the sand and led her to the other end of the beach to show her the secret places where they found the most beautiful shells.
Finding him would put her face to face with the reality of who he really was, and those unnatural feelings would go away.
She had also convinced herself that she only wanted to bring him back so as not to be alone. Indeed, Zuko had never known what his return meant to her.
All their rivalries, all the pettiness, the wounds... were quickly forgotten when she found herself alone with Ozai. Unconsciously, she had linked her happiness and her serenity to Zuko's presence. Life was not easy, but it was still bearable as long as they lived under the same roof, even though they couldn't get along.
It's when he at last joined her in Ba Sing Se, when he fought at her side, that she understood that it was much more.
Her certainties had suddenly collapsed. This hated, jealous brother, against whom she had fought all her life, who had been her enemy, her rival, this brother had chosen her, her. She had discovered that day that love for her loved ones could transcend principles, certainties and even life choices.
He had chosen her. He had fought by her side despite everything she had done to him in the past.
It was not for Mai, it was for her. She had made sure of this by leaving her two friends in the Throne Room, even though they might have been a welcome back-up.
Since that day in Ba Sing Se, the indefinable feeling that had been plaguing her for years at every mention of Zuko's name finally took on a name.
She continued lying to herself the first days following the coup in Ba Sing Se. Perhaps it was only the very natural joy of finding a member of her family? Relief that he hadn't betrayed them all? No doubt it was the euphoria of victory that made her look at Zuzu differently. Certainly not like a sister should have looked at her older brother. Yes, it had to be for one of those reasons. These strange emotions she didn't understand were surely fleeting and she would soon have seen in her brother the narrow-minded and weak fool he had always been.
But soon her thoughts wandered in directions that left no room for doubt. All she felt when Zuko kissed Mai, was how badly she wanted to be in her place.
Everything she thought when she watched him out of the corner of her eye; it was how much he had grown and how handsome he had become despite the awful scar disfiguring his face. His long hair, his golden gaze, deep and determined, the way he moved when he bent fire, the rage and the might of his attacks... Soon all this brought up in her a sensation unknown to her before that.
She wondered from whence this mysterious warmth that she felt in her lower abdomen when she saw him training, shirtless, in the courtyard, had come. Where did those irrepressible shivers come from when she let her mind wander a little too much and imagined him kissing her on the neck, as she had seen him do to Mai? When, at night, she dreamed of his burning hands making their way under her clothes?
Of course, she had at first been appalled, ashamed and deeply confused. She had tried hard to fight against these new emotions.
Then she had been forced to accept them, and she decided to own up to them.
The hardest part wasn't admitting that she wanted her brother, but that she could prove weak enough to want someone at all.
But maybe it was natural? After all, Zuko had become a powerful firebender. Not as powerful as her or their father of course. But what would prevent them, as adults, from taking the throne and leading the nation, together, as brother and sister, as lovers? Who would dare oppose them when Azula would have completed Zuko's training, finished binding him to her, when he finally became hers?
But eventually, Zuko was gone, leaving her behind, shattering her hopes. Strangely, the feelings remained, increased tenfold by the anger and sorrow at having been left, forgotten, abandoned to suffer Ozai's ire.
Step by step she had lost the sense of reality. She had been ready to kill him, without hesitation. He had taken everything she had … He would have deserved to have his life taken by her.
Once this mission was completed, she would have taken her own life. They would have been united in death, for lack of being able to understand each other in life.
Today, that romantic nonsense made her sneer. How stupid we are at fifteen, she thought, lying on the half-charred grass, in the middle of the royal gardens.
Yes, because you are so much more worthy today, shethought.
If she hadn't been so stupid and so weak, she would have struggled with her feelings when she had felt them increase during his visits to the asylum.
At first, she had no other desire than to annihilate him. Seeing him was too painful. The false air of contrition he displayed, his affected pity, what an imposture! Who would believe such lies?
Then he went far away to experience foolish adventures with Team Avatar, while he had a nation under his responsibility! She would never have abandoned her country as he had. But for Zuko, as for Ursa, betraying his nation or his family didn't really make a difference.
There were the letters. The letters full of lies and false promises he sent her during his travels. The concern and affection they expressed threw her into a great confusion. Why was he writing her such nonsense? Was this a way for him to find peace, to redeem himself? By writing empty words on paper, did he think he would fulfil his brotherly duties this way?
Finally, after months, he had started to come visit more frequently. She swore not to fall into the trap again. She set up a wall of coldness and indifference against him.
But she failed. Very quickly, she realized that she only lived for these visits.
By this time, hallucinations had given way to deep apathy. Communicating had become almost impossible for her. It seemed to her that a universe separated her from everyone else. They moved around her, lived, loved each other, argued, spoke but were inaccessible to her. It was the same with Zuko. The words she wanted to say to him didn't cross her lips and she could barely look him in the eye or answer his questions. What he was telling her didn't make sense. Yet when he left her, softly kissing her on the forehead, watching her walk away from him with large sad eyes, she wanted so much to beg him to stay with her, to take her with him.
And ever since he had brought her back to the palace, her feelings for him only intensified. Seeing him sitting on the throne, imperious and majestic… he was nothing like the once sourly and stubborn teenager she had known. His firebending had become exceptional. She would never admit it but sometimes she wondered if he had outdone her. Each of his attacks was controlled, his gestures were smoother, more natural... He understood the real firebending, the one that was talked about in the books that Sozin had taken from the royal library during his reign and that Zuko had unearthed and put back on the dusty shelves.
During the long afternoons waiting for Zuko to find some time to visit her, Azula immersed in their reading, at first sceptical of the content and the ideology they contained. But soon she was captivated: she realized step by step that she and Father were wrong. Zuko, he had the real firebending. And that had only made him more fascinating to her.
Her brother was a dragon!
Most importantly, he was the only person here to treat her like a human being, to see anything else in her than a killing machine or a bloodthirsty monster. Yet she had never killed anyone. She had tried, yes, but Katara made sure she never became a murderer.
Yes, he was the only one who didn't look at her like that.
But it is over now.
It was wrong, it was disgusting.
You are a monster...
Still lying on her bed of damp flowers, Azula closed her eyes for a moment and placed both hands on her eyelids. Then she suddenly burst into tears, her lamentations and complaints tearing the silence of the night.
That's all for today. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I want to thank all my readers and especially those who leave comments. Please continue ! It's incredibly encouraging and it gives me the energy to continue the translating work. Many English speaking readers have chosen to read the French version using an online translator. I am very flattered by their impatience but I am a little horrified at the idea that you read a text containing so many mistakes ! I will try to reduce the time between the original version and the translation.
I take this opportunity to warmly thank my beta reader Draught Junkman who has been helping me with the translation for a few days and improving it. From now on, thanks to him, you should read almost flawless text!