Authors'note: This chapter is shorter than any other. I apologize for that but since it was going to be a very long and complex chapter, I decided to cut it in two parts. No many actions in this one but many flashbacks and a deep plunge into Azula's psyche. I hope you will enjoy it.
WARNING: this chapter contains more or less implied descriptions of child abuse.
Still, thanks to DraughtJunkman for proofreading!
Also, for those who are not satisfied and who need more, I will post, in the next few days, a "one shot" which can be considered as a prequel in which I explain how Zuko and Azula's relationship blossomed in the year following her return from the asylum. You will find it under the title: "The Fire Lord Guest" by noem1987 (if I don't change the title). The translation is in process. If you don't want to miss it, you can subscribe to me as author, not just my stories.
Hope you will enjoy it and review!
Chapter 13 - Angst
[Flashback - 7 years earlier]
Was she imagining things or did father look differently at her these days?
It had started gradually. She hadn't really seen it coming.
At first, it was his furtive glances that she caught as he supervised her training. Before, he would look her in eye, check her posture and just explain orally how to improve. He used his long training stick to correct the position of her legs and rarely touched her, or at least not in a way that made her uncomfortable.
Now he would touch her much more often, under any pretext. It seemed to her that his large hands with long callused fingers lingered a little too much on her hips as he helped her to correct her posture; and she often felt his hot breath on her neck when he stood behind her to give advice.
Strangely, he was less demanding, less severe, and no longer spoke with the harsh tone he once used to point out her mistakes. His voice grew more caressing, softer. When he thought she couldn't see him, her father's golden irises, so similar to Zuko's, wandered over her.
For some time, her breasts had started to grow. Azula had been embarrassed at first. They hurt and seemed a little ridiculous to her. They would bother her when she ran or jumped. They looked like two huge mosquito bumps. Was that really why the boys used to rush to the Girls Academy gate at the end of class?
Ty Lee had told her that sometimes, boys would meet up with older girls at school and lure them to a secluded corner to show get them to show their breasts.
When she gazed at hers, grotesque in their smallness, in her mirror, she wondered if any boys would want to touch them too, like those at school. The thought made her blush. She really didn't understand what they were finding in them. Neither did Father.
At first, he hadn't paid attention. But after a few months, her breasts had grown tremendously and Ozai had finally noticed. Sometimes he would make comments:
"Your body is changing," he told her once, "your center of gravity is altered. You have to learn to counter the weight of your chest to maintain your balance when you are jumping."
Then he walked over to her and groped her chest, one hand pinching her breasts, the other placed at her lower back.
She had been horribly embarrassed. That same evening, looking at her reflection in the mirror, she reassured herself by telling herself that it must be normal, that it was logical, as her mentor, that he should notice such obvious physical changes and help her to put up with it.
Since her mother was gone, it was also reasonable for him to tell her about the changes girls go through during puberty. Well, probably...
Another time he asked her a strange question.
She was wiping her forehead with a corner of her towel. At that time, he was teaching her the art of generating lightning. The training was terribly demanding and difficult. Often, after returning to her room, she would collapse on her bed and did not even have the strength to change her clothes. She would fall asleep only to wake up a few hours later. She would get up in the middle of the night, with an empty stomach, go to wash herself and go back to bed, her body permeated with painful muscle aches and covered with bruises.
"Azula," he called her abruptly this day.
"Yes, father?" she replied, wiping the back of her neck with her towel.
As he said nothing, she turned her head towards him. An odd expression appeared on his harsh face. An indecipherable look she had never seen on him before. Finally, after a few seconds, he spoke:
"Have you ever bled?"
She blinked in confusion.
Why was Father asking if she had already bled? Wasn't he in a better position than anyone to know that? Wasn't it during their training that her blood flowed most often? When she scratched her knees on the rough, gravel-covered ground in the training yard? Or when he would throw her to the ground and kicked her hardly to teach her how to dodge and defend herself if an enemy knocked her down? When he would hit her under the nose with his stick because she had executed a wrong move during a kata?
Still, something about the tone he used and the way he looked at her told her he wasn't referring to those kinds of injuries.
So, a little confused, she assured him she didn't.
He walked over to her and stroked her cheek with the back of his index finger and pinched his fingers to make her lift her chin and meet his gaze.
She stared at him with wide, slightly panicked eyes. It was never good when dad looked at her like that. The subject had to be very serious. She had probably done well to tell him she still hadn't bled, whatever that meant.
"Tell me, Azula," he continued, in a barely audible whisper, "Have you ever done… things with boys?"
Things? Agni, no! She thought she knew what it meant. Ty Lee had told her about 'things' you could do with boys. And she had found it utterly disgusting.
It seemed that boys sometimes wanted to kiss you, and that they used their tongue to play with yours. That they wanted to put their thing in yours.
She would never have done something so filthy! How could her father imagine that?
"No, father," she replied quickly. "I swear!"
Father didn't like waiting.
"Good, that's my girl! You must not let them approach you. You are the princess. You have to stay pure. Do you understand?"
She didn't understand.
"Yes father." She replied immediately.
He took another step, closing the distance between them and placed a hot hand on her hip where a new bruise –probably a spectacular one– was already forming. She winced slightly at the touch, but immediately gave her features an impassive expression.
Father also didn't like people expressing feelings or pain. There wasn't much he liked.
He flattened his other hand on her stomach.
"The day will come when you carry within you the heir to the Fire Nation. Your body has to stay unspoiled until the time is right. You have to stay pure for the Fire Lord. It's your duty. Can I trust you, Azula?"
"Of course, father." She replied, more confused than ever.
He stayed like that for a moment, his large hands resting on her. His thumb began to trace circles between her hip and her navel.
"Azula…" he growled, forcing her to raise her head a little more.
"Yes father?" She spoke, trying to ignore the growing embarrassment and the sense of dread that was beginning to overwhelm her. She bit her lip to keep them from shaking and forced herself to hold his gaze.
"When you will have your first blood, I want you to come and tell me right away. Did you hear me, daughter?"
"Yes father," she promised without understanding.
"Very well, Azula," he praised, releasing her. "You are my good girl. You can go wash and change before going to dinner. I want you to have supper with me tonight."
Her voice was incredibly weak when she replied for the last time: "Fine, father. I'll be there."
She ran away without wasting time. She didn't know what he had meant talking of her having her first blood, but she vaguely felt that this conversation shouldn't have taken place. Her intuition told her that this blood thing must have something to do with her breasts, with her hips which had also started to round out recently, and with boys.
She vowed to tell Ty Lee about it the next day. Ty Lee, with her six sisters, had more experience on these topics. It was always she who explained this sort of thing to her.
Ty Lee explained to her. She told her that she herself had already started to bleed, that it was okay, that Azula shouldn't be afraid. No, it wasn't too painful. Sometimes we might have a stomach ache. Would this prevent her from training? Sometimes it could, in the first two days. But according to Ty Lee, she would quickly regain the full functionality of her body.
"It's still weird that your father asked you that question," she added, frowning. "I thought men weren't interested in it. My dad never talks to us about any of this. It's always my sisters who talk to me about it, or my mother. But never..."
She paused when she saw Azula's expression, which suddenly froze in place.
She never spoke of her mother. Ty Lee should have remembered that. The discussion ended there. Azula had the answer she expected.
Her first blood arrived just three months later.
She awoke one night with the unpleasant sensation that something wet was flowing between her legs.
Was it possible that she had soiled herself during the night? No, it couldn't be that. It hadn't happened in years.
She remembered with a growing shame the little nocturnal accidents she had begun to suffer in the year following her mother's departure.
She had tried to hide it. Zuko and father should never know! So, she would get up at night and change the sheets herself. Sometimes she ended up in tears on her bed, entangled in a blanket that was so large that her little nine-year-old arms couldn't spread it over the huge mattress.
But Zuko found out when he appeared in her room one morning.
Azula hadn't realized that she had soiled herself. She didn't always wake up.
She had just woken up when Zuko had rushed into her room, accusing her of having stolen one of his toys: a stupid cup-and-ball that he brought everywhere and made jump for hours, walking through the alleys of the royal garden.
Without paying attention to his accusation –what would she do with this stupid baby toy? – she had gone to her cupboard to take some things there and Zuko suddenly exclaimed: "Ah! Azula! Your nightgown!"
"What? What?" she replied, on the verge of panic, a glimmer of comprehension suddenly crossing her mind.
"You pissed yourself!" He yelled, literally jumping for joy as he pointed at her. "Azula is a baby! Azula is a baby!"
She was mortified. She couldn't remember having ever been so ashamed in her whole life.
Father had finally found out and he had severely punished her.
The accidents had continued for a while, had spaced out and then ceased, as they had come.
That night, then, at the age of thirteen, she awoke, terrified that she might have defiled herself again like a dirty brat. She got up as discreetly as possible and went to the bathroom. She lifted the flaps of her kimono and put a hand between her thighs. When she lifted it up to look at it, her fingers were covered in bright red blood. Her first reaction was panic, sheer terror, the certainty that she was dying, that some monster, no doubt, was devouring her from within.
Then she recalled Ty Lee's words. A terror of another kind seized her. Was this the blood father was talking about? Did she have to tell him now? And if so, what was he going to do?
She couldn't explain why, but she had a hunch that it might be safer not to tell him about it. If her friend was telling the truth, the bleeding would only last a few days before coming back, almost a month later. She could probably wait until next time.
But her father found out. There was nothing she could hide from him.
A maid, no doubt, having seen the blood on the sheets, must have told to him about it.
Azula was summoned to the throne room. Kneeling in front of the wall of fire hiding the throne, she bent her head so as not to look at her father who was pacing behind her.
"I can't tell you how disappointed I am, Azula. I thought I could trust you." He began in a perfectly calm tone. But Azula knew him well enough to guess the thunderstorm that rumbled beneath the apparent mildness.
"You can, father."
"If I could, then tell me: why didn't you tell me that you had your first blood?"
He put a heavy hand on her shoulder and his fingers dug painfully into the flesh at the base of her neck.
"I… I didn't know it was that! I… father, forgive me! I thought it was something else. I didn't know, father, I swear. Don't be mad at me, please!"
A violent kick in the stomach took her breath away and she collapsed face down on the floor. Her sight was filled with father's foot ready to land on her face this time.
When she came to her senses, hours later, father was at her bedside. Her lip was swollen, and every breath caused her a stabbing pain because of her broken ribs.
He told her she was a woman now. She should no longer be alone in presence of boys, nor men other than himself or those who he had designated.
He stepped aside to reveal two shrivelled and perfectly identical old women who stood behind him, waiting for him to make the introductions.
"These are Li and Lo," he explained, pointing to them both. "They are the former concubines of my father, the Fire Lord Azulon. They will now take care of your formation and teach you what you need to know."
The two old twins bowed so deeply in front of her that Azula wondered if they were going to get stuck in that position.
"We are happy to put our knowledge and skills at your service Princess Azula," they grumbled in chorus in the same hoarse voice.
Azula greeted them by tilting her head slightly in their direction and returning her attention to her father.
"Azula?" he added after a silence.
"Yes father?" she replied in a very small voice, so weak that she herself wondered if she had really spoken aloud.
He walked over and took her face in his hands. He was so close they probably could have kissed. Azula forced herself to hold his gaze.
"You must never lie to me again."
"I promise you, father"
"That's my daughter."
He leaned down to kiss her on the forehead, gave some instructions to Lo and Li that Azula, too confused and too exhausted, didn't hear, and left the room.
Her curves blossomed in the next months. He looked at her even more insistently.
In the meantime, Lo and Li had told her about sex.
Therefore, Azula exchanged her young girl's bras for more covering clothes and her dresses for the outfits that Zuko wore when he was younger and that she found in the wardrobe of his deserted room.
She always made sure to wear her hair in a neat bun ever since Father had gotten into the habit of slowly curling her long black locks between his fingers when she came to him to say goodnight. He would kiss her on the cheek, letting his other hand wander over her hip or waist a little too long for her comfort.
Her father noticed the changes in her outfits, but oddly enough, he didn't comment on it. When she was dressed in her black armor and baggy pants, she no longer saw his gaze filled with that strange glow. A glimmer that she would later identify and often see shining in men's eyes: lust.
Things went like this and Azula got used to it. She thought she could accept this weird relationship as long as it didn't go any further.
You have to stay pure for the Fire Lord.
Sometimes this odd-tasting sentence he had once uttered burst into her mind and Azula wondered what meaning to give to it.
Regardless, she stayed pure. She obeyed her father's wishes and took care to preserve herself.
For the Fire Lord.
[Back to the present]
Azula was now lying in her bed.
Ty Lee had already fallen asleep hours ago, but she herself couldn't sleep. She had been tormented by the same images over and over again, some less pleasant than others. Her mind wandered from the evening by the canal to the memory of Zuko's burning hands under her robe, to the almost fainted sensation of his lips on hers when he had pecked her with furtive but fiery kisses. Then her ramblings brought her back to the sunny courtyard, where she used to train under the eager gaze of her father.
Focusing on the happier memory of her recent embraces with her brother, dismissing everything else, she fell into a half-sleep, serenely smiling, thinking about Zuko and the promise of their next meeting.
Suddenly her father's voice burst from the void, pulling her out of her sleepiness.
"Come on, Azula. Come to me..."
She lifted her head sharply, peering into the darkness, expecting to see out of the murk a pale face with golden eyes crowned with a five-pointed headpiece.
As everything was calm and still, she finally convinced herself that she must have been the victim of one of those minor hallucinations that sometimes happened when one fell asleep.
It's not him, you know that. Father is far from here, in prison. Zuko has had him transferred to the Boiling Rock since your return, to make sure you can't see him.
He's at the Boiling Rock, he's not here. No one is forcing you to see him again.
"Azula, come to me!"
This time she had heard it distinctly. Her forehead covered with sweat, she jumped violently and sat up straight, turning her head in all directions she generated a brilliant flame in her palm to disperse the darkness.
Nearby, on her cot, Ty Lee stirred slightly in her sleep but did not wake up.
Peering into the darkness wide-eyed, the small flame flickering in her palm, she studied the room intently. Nothing.
She held her breath, waiting for the voice to rise again. She didn't want to be surprised this time.
Still, nothing was happening, after five minutes she laid down on her side, watching Ty Lee's sleeping form rise and fall to the rhythm of her breathing to regain her calm. She tried to fit her own breath to that of her friend and to think rationally.
It couldn't have been a hallucination. She took her treatment daily, diligently. Ty Lee made sure of this every morning and she herself feared the relapse too much to take the risk of neglecting it. But obviously her medicine was no longer working. Hadn't Taïma told her one day that it was a possibility? That maybe her body would develop a tolerance and the voices and visions would return?
I don't want to! I don't want to go back to the asylum! Just don't answer them. That way no one will know. Zuko must not know, whatever the cost.
"Azula!"
This time, no doubt. She had heard it, coming from nothing, right next to her ear.
She let out a little cry of terror which she quickly suppressed when she saw Ty Lee wriggle and growl in her bed.
Her whole body shaking with uncontrollable tremors, she threw the blanket over her head, closed her eyes, counting to ten.
It's nothing. It's just the hallucinations that are coming back. It's not real. None of this is real.
She should have expected it. From the moment the voices had returned and Ursa reappeared to her. She should have known that father would be watching her in the shadows, biding his time to come forward. And she thought she understood why he was appearing now. She had been running away for too long. It was time for her to face her demons if she ever wanted to be healed.
After all, it had succeeded with Zuko, Mai, and Ty Lee. She had seen them all again, had built a new relationship with each of them. And they had stopped coming to torment her.
Taking a deep breath, she pushed back the sheets that covered her face and got out of bed, trying not to make the mattress squeak.
Next to her, Ty Lee muttered something in her sleep and turned around. Azula froze and waited. A very light snoring told her that her friend had fallen asleep again.
Azula bent down to take her shoes then changed her mind at the last moment. She would be more discreet by remaining barefoot.
Stealthily, she crossed her room and took the secret passage through which Zuko had passed the other night.
"Azula!"
"I'm coming father… I'm coming."
Ten minutes later, she was standing in front of the imposing double-leaf metal door that led into what had once been her father's bedroom.
Sometimes her footsteps brought her here when she couldn't sleep or felt tormented. She had never opened the door. It always seemed to her that just touching the handle would burn her, that indelible blisters would form on her palms if she tried. Or that a threatening shadow would wait for her on the other side, ready to pounce on her and devour her. Too dangerous, she thought.
But tonight, was different.
It had been almost five years since she had seen his face or heard his voice.
His real voice, she corrected herself.
Azula hesitated, her eyes raised to the huge door that separated her from the room where she had lost everything five years ago. Her brother, her honor, her virtue... and her sanity.
This is where the Fire Lord had taken her.
You have to stay pure for the Fire Lord.
Was it a trick of her imagination or was the door growing in front of her, devouring all the space around? It seemed swallowed by the depths of an invisible ceiling, lost in darkness. She was hearing a buzzing sound in her ears and felt as if the world around her vanished and disappeared into nothingness. There was nothing but her, the door and...
"You don't have to do this Azula."
As always, she was appearing at the worst time.
"You won't endure it! You will lose your mind again!" warned the specter of her mother who stirred behind her.
"I have to!" she replied without looking back, her hand brushing the doorknob. "What happened by the canal... I can't take the risk of harming Zuko when he and I... when he will do that to me... I have to see. I need to know... I need to prepare."
"It won't do you any good. Give up on this crazy plan, Azula. You can't involve your brother in your eccentricities! You got lost along the way, but Zuko can still be saved if you put an end to it!"
Hand still clutching the doorknob, Azula closed her eyes and gritted her teeth to fight the urge to turn and throw a deadly blast of flame at her.
"How dare you?" she cried out without looking at her, her whole body tensed and shook with rage. "You never loved me! You've always pushed me away, ever since I was little. Zuko does love me. He proved it to me. Now that I know he wants me, I won't give up on him!"
I can't give up on him...
The memory of Zuko's lips against her skin, on her mouth, the feel of his burning hands on her. His rigid member tightly pressed against her...
She hadn't just imagined all this. No heat never emanated from her hallucinations. Zuko's hands were hot when he slipped them under her robe.
"It's not love Azula. He may lust after you, but he doesn't love you. Not as you would like. Nobody loves you that way, sweetheart… he will leave you, you know that. As we all do..."
"Shut up! Shut up!" she shrilled. "Don't say anything!" Tears already burnt her eyelids. "I don't care. He wants me and that's all that matters. I will give him what he wants, and he will be mine! You lost the right to give me family lessons when you abandoned me! Now go away!"
Darkness and silence were her only answer. Azula risked a look over her shoulder. Her mother was gone.
Turning to the door, she twisted the knob in her clammy palm. The metal panels opened with a creak that must have echoed throughout the sleeping palace and opened onto a huge, darkened room.
She took a deep breath and entered.
It was very late. Night had fallen hours ago. But Zuko had insisted that his servants warn him the minute the Avatar and his friends arrived. So, he had woken up hastily, grabbed the clothes that were quickest to put on, and had run to greet them, leaving behind his wife who grunted in her sleep.
Above the courtyard where he and Azula had faced each other years before, Appa began his descent, forming concentric circles in front of a pure, star-riddled sky. Both feet firmly planted on the ground, golden eyes raised skyward, a small smile curled his lips when he heard the reassuring and familiar roar that the flying bison gave on noticing him. Appa had always loved Zuko. The young firebender could not really explain it but he himself felt a great affection for the hairy monster he had hunted relentlessly across the world. It's true that he had been one of the first to see the good in Zuko when the latter released him in Ba Sing Se, thus giving up on capturing Aang.
A wave of emotions washed over him when he saw the figure of his friends looming in the darkness. Each of them, one after another, had one day decided to trust him, had given him a second chance. He wished so badly it was the same for Azula. He had seen the good in her. He had seen beyond the monster of coldness and cruelty that Ozai had made of her. He had discovered a sensitive person, capable of tenderness and love, like any human being. Why was no one else willing to see it?
He thought back with a pang to all the pressure he was under from all sides to get rid of the princess: Mai, Ba Sing Se, the Council of the Fire Sages who had come that very afternoon to inform him of the appalling proportions that rumors about his relationship with his sister were taking. With a hint of guilt, he recalled how he had kicked them out of the Throne Room, yelling at them, a jet of searing flame he couldn't control accompanying his roars of anger. The robe of one of the Sages had ignited and panic had spread over the small assembly. His colleagues soon smothered the flames and relative calm returned to the room before Zuko ordered them to leave him alone, not forgetting to threaten them and accuse them of treason.
He had to be more careful. It was stupid to attract the Sages' hostility. He knew better. They had the power to demand his abdication. Sometimes Zuko cursed himself for giving them back that power which Sozin had taken away from them all those years ago. At the beginning of his reign, he was so genuinely willing to break with these traditions of an absolute monarchy, convinced that power should be shared with those who held wisdom and experience. Although the Fire Lord was considered an almost divine being, Zuko did not see himself as a god.
He knew too well that if Azula hadn't been in the asylum when he made this decision, she would have called him a fool and forced him to give up on this plan which she considered suicidal. In truth, he hadn't told her about it. She did not know that in the event of a crime or serious authoritarian drift, the Fire Sages could demand his abdication after a long trial.
Yes, he often regretted this decree. Discreet at first, the Sages had gradually sought to take advantage of the situation. Many progressive measures proposed by Zuko had been abandoned or remained in an embryonic state because of the Council of the Fire Sages who were particularly cautious at the idea of any societal change.
The Sages, he knew, feared Azula's influence and power. They had no doubts that, if Zuko lost his crown, her first measure would undoubtedly be to take that power back from them, no matter what. Or get rid of them, quite simply. The Council of the Fire Sages was a very ancient congregation founded on Agni's cult. It was widely known that the princess was not a very pious person. Neither was Zuko, but at least he tolerated and respected religious beliefs. It was therefore in their best interests to keep Zuko on the throne. It was little consolation, however.
The reasons why he had hidden this decision from his sister were multiple and had evolved at the same time as his relationship with Azula did. When she returned, when he still wasn't sure he could trust her, he had feared that she would use that lever to steal the throne. After all, she remained the Crown Princess and Zuko's abdication would make her the new Fire Lord. He had therefore provisionally stripped her of this title, entrusting the regency to Mai if he were to die.
Finally, Azula had returned, silent and distant. She had not shown the slightest desire to take the throne since and once her treatment had restored her mental acuity, she had devoted all her energy and all her time into contributing to the peace effort and cementing her brother's legitimacy. He had ended up giving her his trust and affection. He had even reinstated her title of Crown Princess, drawing the wrath of his wife. But he still kept this decision a secret. Mai and Kadao were forbidden from talking to Azula about it. He feared his sister's reaction if she knew. And above all, he was afraid of what she would demand from him: that he withdraw this decisive power from the Council of the Fire Sages, even if this meant that he would in turn add to a line of tyrants.
He couldn't deny Azula anything, not anymore.
He hadn't been able to say no when she asked him to join her in Ba Sing Se.
He hadn't known how to say no when she had knelt before him weeks before.
Nor when she had begged him to stay the other night, just before Ty Lee interrupted them. When his only objection had been his whispered pathetic refusal that had quickly drowned in embraces that couldn't be considered fraternal.
He hadn't been able to say no to her that very morning either when she had cornered him in a hallway to ask him if he had received her letter and if he had deciphered its contents. Nor when she had stared intently at him, her wide amber eyes plunged into his, hopeful, waiting for him to give her his answer.
He hadn't had the strength or the inclination to push her away when she stood up on the tip of her toes to wrap her arms around his neck and steal a quick kiss, before hurrying away from him without a glance, and disappearing on the same path.
It had taken him several minutes before he dared to come out of the corner where they had both been, still stunned by the fleeting sensation of her soft lips against his.
He hadn't had time to return her kiss and wondered what he would have done if she hadn't run away like this.
He hadn't even felt ashamed or soiled after that.
But how could he deny his sister anything when the rest of the world kept turning their backs on her and distrusting her?
He would not give in to Lu Fang and Kuei's heinous blackmail. He would not be impressed by the barely disguised remonstrances and threats of the old goats of the Council of the Fire Sages. And he would work hard to arrange his marriage without having to part with the little sister he had grown to love.
He would be the loving and trusting brother she deserved, and he would show it to the world.
As these thoughts raced through his head, he instinctively shielded his face from the dust raised by Appa's landing and watched Aang jump off the back of the bison, followed by Katara who threw herself forward, confident she would be collected with gentleness in the Avatar's strong arms. Then Sokka got out, followed by Suki whom he also received in his arms and finally, to his surprise, by Toph who had remained hidden until then.
His heart overflowing with affection, he let them come to him. A big smile spread across his asymmetrical face when he noticed the gentle swell on Suki's abdomen. The last time they had seen each other, her pregnancy was barely visible.
Yes, Zuko would prove to the world that Azula belonged there. He would force them to believe it if he had to.
His friends were finally here, and he had no doubt they would help him.