Nothing's really different
It's the same air
It's the same bed
Looking at the same ceiling
Why do I feel so empty
For no reason at all
It's been a few hours
Since I've been spacing out
Tiffany sighed out her thoughts for the nth time that night as she carefully sat up on her bed. Thinking she was losing sleep because of the hunger she could even barely feel, she got up and went straight to the kitchen. Her pair of hands unknowingly made her favorite she hadn't dare to make in a while. Probably because it was also her favorite.
The last time she cooked tomato spaghetti was also the last time she talked to her best friend.
Once she was done, she settled herself in one of her kitchen stool. She immediately twisted her fork to wind up her spaghetti before she lifted it close to her mouth. Just before it made a contact with her lips, she let her fork to free fall off her slim fingers. The fork and the white plate clinked, followed by a sigh as she pushed the plate away.
No way, there was no way she felt hungry. That wasn't it.
Tiffany's hands that were covering her face moved down to her filled stomach. Her palm traced its every outline as she let out another sigh. She felt like it had grown bigger since the second she left her bed few minutes ago.
In the end Tiffany left her untouched food froze to cold on top of the kitchen counter as she tried to entertain herself with her television. She flipped channel through channel, catching a glimpse of cheap soap operas, laughter filled comedy shows, and many more. But it was all just the same. There was no meaning. She had enough of it and decided to press the power button.
Her room fell into complete silence.
And once again she could see her reflection on the TV's old screen. Her eyes travelled down to the protruding stomach under her thick sweater. She laid her palm once again on it and travelled every sides.
"Baby-yah.. come out healthily and accompany mommy, okay ? It's too quiet here alone. After you grow up, mommy can cook you tomato spaghetti too if you want. Maybe you'll also like it"
-xxx-
On a night without you
Even when the moon is up
I can't see it
It's hidden by thoughts of you
Just like you can't make a fair call
If your heart is slanted
Just because you're not here
There's no way I should be like this
But I keep going back to those times
That night too, Taeyeon couldn't see the moon no matter how long she had been staring through her room window. She kept on going back to those times where she used to talk to her best friend under the shining moonlight, until it got tired and let the sun continue its job.
In the place where you used to be
I can see the night sky
That half-full moon
Looks just like me right now
The moon used to be full every night. She had been together with her best friend since they were literally crawling around in their diapers. But she couldn't even see the moon now. The last time she saw the half of the moon was the last time she ate tomato spaghetti, and also the last time she heard her voice.
With a frustrated sigh, Taeyeon stood up from her bed to grab her coat that was hanging on the wall before she stormed out of her stale apartment.
Wrapped around the piercing cold night air, Taeyeon ran her heart out in search of her half moon. It has been too long. She thought that she had to run for it in order to find it.
But she was wrong.
She had been searching for hours, leaving her footsteps all across the town, and losing breath instead of finding her reason to breathe.
Taeyeon's dried lips kept on letting out puffs of frost. It reminded her of the cigarettes that ever stayed in between her lips. She could taste the bitterness, every single drip of the burn filling her lungs. And it also reminded herself how she started trying to camouflage in between the smoke she create, hiding herself in it.
-xxx-
The last time Taeyeon and Tiffany witnessed the full moon, was the last time they filled each other.
Taeyeon was on her regular visit to Tiffany's apartment. And that night too, Tiffany cooked her favorite—tomato spaghetti. But after all those years of their friendship, Taeyeon couldn't finish her food for the first time. She let her favorite became a leftover.
Also for the first time, Tiffany felt how hurt it was to reheat and eat the same food she cooked for days.
But it was nothing compared to the pain she felt when she saw her best friend walked out of her apartment right after she put a hand on her cheek for the first time—harshly.
"You can just.. abort it"
"I won't do that ! I'm not going to end an innocent life. And it's my baby we're talking about !"
"Fine. It's your choice then. I got nothing to do with it"
"It's your baby too, Taeyeon ! How many times I should say it ?!"
"How can you be so sure ?! I clearly don't remember doing it with you and I don't know who you've been sleeping around with that you even cancel all of our meet ups last month—" Taeyeon's words were cut by a hard slap on her cheek. Her eyes were stuck on the hardwood floor as she focused on her best friend's sobs
"Stop it ! Just.. stop it.. So that's how it is ? You think of me that low ?! I've never thought you would ever think that way, Taeyeon. I'm so disappointed at you"
"Good night, Tiffany"
"Ofcourse. Just leave and have a good night. Leave me and your baby alone"
"THAT baby isn't mine ! And it's not my responsibility ! I'm leaving"
"Fine. Now I know that it's better for my baby to not have a coward like you as a father anyway"
-xxx-
Taeyeon finally lost all of her power and breath during her way to travel along the railroad. Her knees were weak, sweat drenched her coat, and guilt started to consume her whole. She lay her body down across the railroad. Her head on one side of the bullhead rails and her legs on the other side. With her eyes closed, she blindly rustled into her pocket and pulled out a box of cigarettes and a match. She pulled the last thin cylinder out of its box before she place it in between her chapped lips. She lit it up, inhaled deeply, and felt the smoke burning her scorched throat.
If tomorrow's darkness
Takes one bite of the moon
Then our world that we made
Would become smaller too
Only longing will fill it up
After I spend a boring day
When the full moon rises to the sky
When we used to go around
Saying that we were one
I didn't know it'd be so clear
That you are you and I am me
It feels like our time to think is up
"We will always be one, Taetae"
Hearing a particular voice inside her head, Taeyeon opened her eyes at the still darkness. Her mouth let out puffs of smokes once again, and her eyes shed tears for the first time after months. Sanity was even too scared to stay inside its master—it started to slip away from her.
Taeyeon put her eyes back to darkness and took another deep breath of the smoke. That time, it didn't even try to lift her loads off her shoulders. Instead, it strangled her neck.
Her coughs tore the quiet night sky. She couldn't breathe, it hurt like hell—a place she would put herself in.
But if that means her debt of putting Tiffany in pain will be fully paid, she would walk that road. Losing breath was nothing compared to the pain she had been continuously feeling since the day she left Tiffany.
"We are one. We will always be one"
That time around, Taeyeon heard her own voice, and saw Tiffany's eyes behind her eyelids.
Tiffany's eyes curved into the most beautiful crescents right after she said that words. No matter how intoxicated Taeyeon was, she clearly enjoyed Tiffany's smile, the taste of her lips, and how she felt when they were literally being one. After some hours being under control of the drinks they wash their mind with, they still tried to found the spots that could make each other moan. Because it was something they couldn't find after all those years of being friends.
"Mmhh"
"Gotcha.. I won a point. And I will win the game" Taeyeon playfully slurred close to Tiffany's ear before she sucked the same spot behind her ears that made her moan just before.
"Win over me" Those three shots liquor glazed words put smiles on their faces before it covered one another. Tiffany circled her arms around Taeyeon's neck and felt moans vibrating on their molded lips as Taeyeon continued to move deep inside her.
Their sweaty naked bodies moved against each other sensually, hands were all over each other, and they took turns to give and receive high kisses.
"You feel so good, Fany-ah.. So good"
Tiffany wanted to say the same but she had lost her ability to talk at that moment. It was her first time she let anyone filling her that way, letting Taeyeon filling her in a way a friend shouldn't. But it was too wonderful that she would never want her to leave. From her clouded mind, she just didn't want Taeyeon's wildly gentle thrusts to stop, she needed her. And she would always be.
Taeyeon's mouth was busy leaving licks and and kisses around Tiffany's neck when she felt a tug on her hair. Another smile broke out on her face as she recognized her hazy and pleasure filled eyes. She was sure they mirrored her own.
"Kiss me"
And she happily did. She poured all of her feelings to it, taking her time to explore her who she had been restrained herself from for years. Taeyeon nibbled at her lower lip and the woman under willingly parted her hips to welcome her tongue. Their tongues battled against each other, flicking, twirling, before it calmed down into soft caresses.
The kiss died down but their lower contact didn't. Pushed by her instinct, Taeyeon moved faster, earning groans of approval. Their arms around each other tightens, moans were let out more frequent, it got harder to breathe, until it all finally ended with the fire inside them being put down.
"You bastard. Why did you come inside me.. Such a jerk" Tiffany jokingly mumbled to Taeyeon's ear before she took her lobe in between her teeth, pulling on it softly. She could only let out unsober laughs when Taeyeon answered her question with the same laugh
"You know, Tiffany.. we.. we can make dozens of cute babies. It's because you're so beautiful. You're so pretty"
"If you want to have babies with me you should marry me first ! Or else I'll kick you right in your shin. Like this"
"Ouch ! Yah !" Tiffany laughed once again seeing her 'friend' crouched in pain, hissing and rubbing the spot she just kicked in her shin. As Taeyeon finally calmed down, Tiffany scooted closer and put her arms over Taeyeon's chest as she hugged her tight
"Taengoo Taengoo my little spoon~ I loved you but now I only like you because you came inside me~ Taengooooo~ But I was just kidding. I think I still love you" She sang out in no particular notes, randomly letting out her honest drunken thoughts.
But Taeyeon was equally as high to not take that seriously.
For some moments, Taeyeon's room was only filled with Tiffany's slurs of singsongs, until it died down to a yawn and Taeyeon decided to test her luck
"Will you even marry me, though ? I'm not a guy. You like that Jo Insung actor guy- he's so damn tall ! But I'm short"
Taeyeon was soon answered by a sleepy giggle and a kiss on her shoulder. Then, she felt comfort crept into her as Tiffany snuggled closer to her.
"My little spoon Taengoo you have to find out yourself"
If more time passes, I can't ask you to come back
Just like Don Quixote
I'm crazily dreaming of your love
If only I can see your eyes
I would be able to fill up my empty heart
With the last tear and cough, Taeyeon opened her eyes to a brightened sky, and loud honks. Her head made a heavy look to her right that made her quickly stumbled her way far from the railroad. A train was passing fast infront of her own eyes. And some seconds after the honks faded out, Taeyeon felt air started to fill her lungs. She grimaced in pain as she gave her chest two thumps.
Her time to think was up. So she quickly dusted off her coat and jeans before she got up on her feet. Once again, she would run for it in order to find it.
Her steps followed the transparent moon in the after dawn sky until it got covered by a familiar building she haven't dare to see for the past months. She ran her way up the stairs, until she reached the eighth floor, the first room.
Ignoring all of the stares from some other residents, and some of the escaping flashes from their phones, Taeyeon surely knocked that door she once irresponsibly walked out from.