Chapter 23.5: Pain

"If you don't share someone's pain, you can never understand them."

|1990. January 1st. Monday|

It's the start of the new year, a time for change, for improvement and yet I've already ruined it.

We're in Iwagakure for what's supposed to be a fun vacation. I can barely write because my hands are shaking, and thanks to what happened there's some blood on this book. It's not mine, it's from some random guys who came out of nowhere. We were just cutting through an alleyway when they attacked us, and one of them tried to stab Yahiko but he missed because Konan pushed him out of the way.

The two of them were knocked to the ground and when it seemed like the guys were going for the kill, I…I lost it. I don't remember what happened but the next thing I knew, Yahiko was shaking me and yelling for me to snap out of it. I looked down at my hands and found them covered in blood; the five men who had attacked us were on the ground, not moving.

I put two and two together and shoved Yahiko off me before turning and throwing up. As I was finished emptying my stomach onto the concrete, someone yelled into the alley from the street, and Yahiko pulled me to my feet before yelling at us to run.

I don't even know if those guys are alive.

As soon as we got back to our motel room, Yahiko urged me to rest before pulling Konan outside to talk. The looks on those two's faces, the anxiousness in their eyes…I went to the bathroom and tried to vomit again, but nothing came out.

This isn't the first time I've gone…berserk like that. It happened way back in middle school when some drunkard followed Konan home and Yahiko went out to confront her. He picked Yahiko up and started choking him, and my vision turned red. By the time I came back, the man was curled up on the floor, begging for mercy while a fearful Yahiko and Konan stood off to the side.

I want to go out there and tell them that I'm not a monster. I'm still their friend, I'm still Nagato. Don't they know that I did that to protect them? I would never hurt any of them. Ever.

Please you guys, don't abandon me…

|1990. January 11th. Thursday|

What would I ever do without Yahiko and Konan?

We've been back in Ame for almost two weeks, and nobody's spoken about the Iwa incident. Well, up until today when Konan took me out onto the patio and asked me what was on my mind.

I told her I was scared. Scared of myself, of what I had done, what I was capable of…The last time I'd done gone crazy, Jiraiya had been around to calm me down.

Konan held my hand and encouraged me to look at her, "Jiraiya-sensei is gone, but you have me and Yahiko. We'll always be here for you."

I felt myself tear up and she smiled before pulling me into a tight hug. When we ended the embrace, I wiped my eyes and asked her if she could convince Yahiko to forgive me. I hadn't gotten the chance to speak with him since we'd returned, and it felt like he'd been avoiding me.

Konan shook her head, "He's not avoiding you, he's…just find a chance to talk to him. The only person who knows what's going on in Yahiko's head is Yahiko."

With that piece of advice, I came back to my room to try and figure out what I'm gonna tell him. I'll apologize for being so scary, it couldn't have been easy seeing me almost beat five people to death. I just hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me, and I'm praying that he doesn't hate me.

|1990. January 28th. Sunday|

Yahiko and I finally spoke about what happened on New Year's Day. I confessed to him that I thought he hated me, and he immediately wrapped me in a bear hug and cradled my head.

"I could never." He assured me in a low breath as I melted in the hug, wrapping my arms around him, "I will never."

He explained that he felt guilty for being the reason I went ballistic. He thought that him falling to the floor was the trigger, and mused that if he had stood his ground, I probably wouldn't have lost it.

"You're strong, Nagato." He told me as he pulled back, a proud look on his face, "And you can do a lot of good with that strength, so to be the reason for you almost making a huge mistake is…hurtful."

"It's fine." I replied as I blinked back tears, "I'd do anything for you guys. I'd do anything for you…."

He gave me a light smile as he patted my back, "I know. And that's why if you ever lose yourself again, I promise I'll be there to bring you back."

"Arigato." I thanked him tearfully, "Hontōni, arigato."

I don't know what I would do if Yahiko had told me that he hated me. I…He's the reason I'm still alive, and so long as he's nearby, I know I'll never lose control again. Thank you, Buddha, for making our paths intersect on this walk that is life.

|1990. February 9th. Friday|

Yahiko's locker was filled with love letters this morning. Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is around the corner, so all the girls feel like they need to make a move now if they want to secure him by then.

One of the baseball guys walking by joked that Yahiko has enough fangirls to start his own harem, and Yahiko laughed as he ate the little chocolates that came with them.

Konan stormed off and he turned to me for help, asking me to tell her that she was overreacting, but I didn't say anything. I'd be a hypocrite if I did. I understand how she feels.

At least Konan has the courage to show she's upset. But as for me, I'm not that daring. I don't know why I'm so annoyed, I should be happy that everyone's getting drawn to Yahiko for his charm. That's the only way Akatsuki's gonna grow.

Still, whenever I see a girl touch him a little too long or a guy put their arm around his neck like they've known him for years, on his shoulder, I get a little…I don't know. I don't know.

|1990. February 27th. Tuesday|

Yahiko and Konan are officially together, though technically they've been a thing since Valentine's Day.

It started off by Konan opening her locker to a love letter that asked her to come to the roof after school.

"You're not really gonna meet this guy, are you?" Yahiko asked, folding the letter up.

Konan took it back from him and put it back in her locker, "Maybe I will."

Even though Yahiko made a joke after, I could tell that he was unusually tense for the rest of the day. When it came time for us to head home, he made some excuse about needing to use the bathroom and told me to go on ahead before running back into the building.

I followed him and watched as he made his way to the rooftop, no doubt to check on the situation with Konan, and sure enough she was up there with the author of the letter, who turned out to be Kyūsuke. I recognized him as one of the newer members of Akatsuki, and so did Yahiko, as he muttered something about Kyūsuke being fast.

"The more people around us, the more competition you get, ne?" I teased him as we hugged the wall.

"You can say that again…" Yahiko murmured before blinking and turning to me, "Oi, Nagato!"

I smiled at his bashful face, "You like Konan, don't you?"

"Baka!" He looked away, his cheeks reddening, "It's not like that!"

"Hm?" I tilted my head, "But I think Konan likes you."

He wheeled around, "What did you say?"

Before I could further explain, Kyūsuke bowed in front of Konan before heading back into the building, and Yahiko's teeth chattered as Konan stared after him.

"I know you're there." Konan called, and the two of darted back behind the wall, "Yahiko, Nagato."

"Konan…" Yahiko began shakily, "What did you tell him?"

"I told him that I wouldn't be getting in any relationships until Akatsuki reached achieved their goals." Konan said as she approached us, "Isn't that what we should be focusing on?"

Yahiko nodded, and Konan touched his cheek, "Besides, I already have someone I like."

"R-Really?" Yahiko couldn't hide the dismay in his voice as he stuttered, "Who?"

"Let's see…" Konan smiled, "He's a 5'7 idiot with bright hair and brown eyes. He has no sense of awareness whatsoever and his idea of a joke is so bad that it hurts. Know anyone who might fit the bill?"

He gulped as she held his face in her hands, "I-I might."

"Might?" She raised an eyebrow before leaning forward, "Like I said, no sense of awareness whatsoever."

The two joined lips for a light kiss that lasted all of ten seconds before Konan slowly pulled back, and I watched as small smiles spread out on their faces. I pushed down the feelings of dislike that rose in my throat and crossed my arms.

"It's about time." I stated, breaking the silence, and the two jumped.

Yahiko scratched the back of his head, "A-Aa, well, you know how it is…"

"Mm." I chuckled as I made way to the rooftop door, "Let's not make Tezuna-san worry by coming home so late."

Ever since then, the two of them have been inseparable, and Tezuna made up some new rules due to their newly formed relationship. Neither of them is allowed to close their door when they're in the house except at nighttime, and even then Tezuna randomly pops into their room just to discourage them from doing anything.

At breakfast today Yahiko grumbled about how I'm exempt from these new rules and Tezuna ruffled his hair before explaining that she could trust me ten times more than Yahiko if the roles were reversed. The two continued to go back and forth, and Konan blushed as Tezuna suggested what would happen if she left the two of them alone for even one night.

Tezuna shooed us out before Yahiko could argue against her assumptions, and as the three of us walked to the bus stop, Yahiko turned to me.

"Come on, Nagato! You're supposed to have my back." He pouted, "Why didn't you tell Tezuna-san I won't do anything?"

I shrugged my shoulders and he scowled before Konan began to jokingly berate him about having a mischievous face.

I should be happy for them. I am happy for them. My two best friends that I grew up with and watched fall in love are finally together! This is the kind of thing that only happens in movies, so why am I so…melancholy?

|1990. March 15th. Thursday|

At lunch Yahiko asked if I was mad at him. He says I've been distant the past two weeks and he's sorry for whatever he did. It hurt to hear him apologize when he's done nothing wrong; I lied and said that I was a little stressed because of graduation.

Yahiko grinned and smacked me on the back, "Don't sweat it too much! Four more weeks and we'll be out in the real world!"

I gave him a weak smile to which he shot back a thumbs up, and while his eyes shined as if he knew I wasn't telling the truth, he didn't pressure me to say anything else. I'm glad he's like that. I can't tell him that the reason why I haven't spoken to him is because I…I watched him and Konan.

Sometime back, Tezuna had to take a night shift at the Make-Out Pub, which meant the three of us had the house to ourselves for the night.

After Konan and I whipped up some yakisoba for dinner, we joked around and ate to our hearts content. Once we were done eating, we cleared our plates and tidied up the house, and by the time we were done, heavy rain had begun to fall.

Konan suggested that we watch a movie, and I sat down somewhat alert but ended up falling asleep within the first ten minutes. The next thing I knew, Konan was shaking me and telling me to go to bed.

Once we exchanged goodnights, I shut my door and fell onto my bed like it was my best friend. Thanks to the melodic tapping of the raindrops on my window, I was out like a log within seconds.

I woke up a couple hours later because of a consistent light thumping I'd been hearing against the wall. Somehow, in my sleepy haze, I registered that it was coming from Yahiko's room, and after taking a swig from the water bottle I kept on my nightstand, I stepped out into the hallway with the intention of telling him to knock off whatever he was doing.

I found Konan's door ajar and Yahiko's door sealed shut, but I still didn't make the connection. It wasn't until I was right outside of Yahiko's door that I heard them, and as I realized what was going on, sleep left me entirely.

The thumping had gotten louder now, and with it, so had Konan's voice. She moaned as another hard thump echoed throughout the hall, and Yahiko groaned right after.

I stood paralyzed outside of the door and considered my next possible actions. It was either I pretended I'd never heard them and went back to bed, or I knocked on his door and told them to keep it down. The higher their voices rose, the less viable the first option became, but there was also no chance that I was going to interrupt them.

A third choice came to mind, and I immediately scrunched my eyes shut at the intrusive thought. It was perverted, it was wrong, and it was risky, but I went ahead and did it anyway.

With my ear to the door, as the thumping of Yahiko's headboard was joined by the creaks of his bed, I turned his doorknob and carefully pushed his door open. It made a slight squeak but judging by how the two continued to grunt and moan, it was safe to say that I hadn't been detected.

I peaked through the crack with my left eye and sure enough, Yahiko and Konan were on the bed. They switched positions, and Yahiko rolled onto his back and lifted Konan so that she was on top. The two sighed as Konan settled down on his crotch, and after a quick pause in which they used to catch their breath, Konan braced her hands on his abs and began dropping herself onto his member.

She gasped and groaned with each wet slam, and soon enough she was tilting her head back in complete bliss. Yahiko thrusted upwards in an attempt to synchronize with her own movements, and she yelped before quickly clapping a hand over her mouth and staring down at him.

I felt my own length throb and snaked my hand into my pants as I continued to watch them have sex.

Yahiko planted his feet into the bed before grabbing her hips, and he drilled himself into her. Konan muffled her whimpers as she arched her back, and the only sounds that could be heard aside from her cries were the wet smacking of flesh and Yahiko's growls. He yanked her hips further down and continued to piston into her at a speed that had me enamored, and I tried to match my own hand with his movements.

"Y-Yahiko…!" Konan panted as she fell onto him, unable to keep herself up, "Anymore and I'll…!"

He promptly wrapped his arms around her back and continued to pound her into euphoria, and she whimpered into his neck.

"Konan, I'm there…!" Yahiko grunted as his pace began to slow, opting to trade his punishing speed for more powerful slams, "I'm gonna cum!"

She whined pitifully, "P-Please, I—!"

She cut herself off with a clamoring moan and Yahiko bit his lip as he gave one final thrust before joining her ecstatic vocalization. I shuddered as I too reached my limit.

"Konan…" Yahiko heaved heavily, falling back onto the bed and taking her with him.

"Yahiko…" She whispered gently, bringing her head out from where she had tucked it and looking at him, "I love you…"

"I love you too." Yahiko immediately reciprocated the statement, and the two shared a passionate kiss.

Their declarations of love shook me out of my lustful state, and I quietly returned to my room ashamed and repulsed. What kind of sick freak watches his best friends have sex? And masturbates to it on top of that?

Something was wrong with me. Something is wrong with me.

|1990. March 30th. Friday|

Just finished taking pictures with the others. The three of us did it! We graduated high school!

Once the commencement ceremony ended, Yahiko was swarmed by all our classmates. Some wanted to talk to him regarding joining the Akatsuki, others wanted to write in his yearbook, but most just wanted to be around him one final time.

I can't blame them. Trying to imagine life without Yahiko is…difficult, to say the least.

Of course, since Yahiko and Konan made their relationship official, the number of girls seeking his attention decreased, but a few still tried to flirt with him when Konan went to get some water. After I helped him fend them off, he gave me a thumbs up and a cheeky smile before rejoining Konan by the water fountain, and I found myself being pulled aside by a mauve-haired girl.

"You are…Ajisai-san, right?" I faltered as I tried to recall her name, and she nodded.

A quick glance around told me that she had taken us to a semi-secluded area, and I couldn't help but wonder what she had brought me here for.

"How can I help you?" I asked, noticing how she was unable to look me in the eyes.

She took a deep breath before standing on her tippy toes and giving me a quick kiss. I was frozen for a second at the unexpected action, but promptly came back to Earth as she spoke.

"I shouldn't have waited this long to tell you but…I like you." She blushed as she looked away, "I've always liked you, and even though we live in the same town, we might never see each other again after graduation so…"

She trailed off as she looked back up at me, and I realized that she expected a response.

This was my chance to "get with the program" as Yahiko had whispered to me during graduation proceedings. He'd told me it was high-time I found someone to share life with, that there were a bunch of places he wanted us to go to for double dates and the only thing stopping us was because I was single. I just laughed as he finished his complaint about my relationship status.

With a shake of my head, I gave Ajisai an honest answer.

"Ajisai-san, you're a nice girl and all but I…I can't return your feelings." I bowed to her before apologizing, "Gomennasai."

I was surprised to feel her hands on my face as she lifted me up to look at her, a sad smile gracing her own features.

"Daijōbu." She assured me as she lowered her hands, "I just didn't want to live with any regrets. Everyone already knows who you like."

Confusion seeped into my mind as I wondered what she meant by that last part, but before I could dwell on it, she was tugging us back to the others, and we happened to run right into Yahiko and Konan.

Konan's eyes twinkled in recognition of my new companion, but Yahiko was less subtle, a grin spreading out on his face as Ajisai dropped my hand.

"I'll see you around." She bid me goodbye before walking away.

Once she was out of earshot, Yahiko immediately turned to me in an excited manner.

"Did I just witness the start of a new relationship?" He teased, wriggling his eyebrows.

I shook my head, "You witnessed the end of a potential one."

His face fell flat as I continued to explain, "She confessed to me, but I told her I couldn't feel the same. I'll probably never feel the same."

"Come on, Nagato…" Yahiko scratched his head and sighed, "How are you gonna find your soulmate if you don't give yourself a chance?"

"Yeah…"

Konan swatted at him before touching my shoulder empathetically, "Don't listen to him, Nagato. Everyone has their own pace."

She's right. I'll find someone. Eventually.

|1990. April 24th. Tuesday|

It's been almost a month since we graduated and so much has happened. Where do I even start?

For one, the Akatsuki blew up with new recruits once we ramped up our efforts to spread word about our organization. Yahiko held a meet-and-greet at the local park and everyone that came was instantly charmed by his personality, so they signed up in droves.

Konan and I set up the support hotline for anyone in a mild crisis, and at first it became difficult to answer every cry for help, but with the influx of members, soon enough you couldn't walk any street of Ame without seeing someone in a long black coat doing one task or another. We've gained so much attention that we even got invited to speak about our mission on the national radio!

Yahiko's talking about leasing a building downtown and setting up an official business location for the group. We don't have any money yet, and he was adamant that membership remain free, but he still had an optimistic outlook on the situation, telling Konan and I that the future is brighter than ever.

I'm glad he's so happy. Seeing his smiles just brightens up my day.

Tezuna jokes about the dangers of housing such a "famous" trio, but Yahiko assured her that once money starts rolling in, we'll move and get out of her hair. Thank Buddha I'm included in that move.

I figured he'd want to leave with Konan, and that would be the beginning of our inevitable separation as we drifted into the world of adults, and I told him as much. Yahiko shook his head and pulled the two of us into chokehold hugs.

"What're you saying, Nagato?" Yahiko grinned, "We've been together all this time, you think that's gonna change anytime soon?"

I hope not. I'm hoping things will stay like this forever.

|1990. May 12th. Saturday|

Great Buddha, may your blessings continue to descend on us. I can't believe it! Mayor Hanzō's recognized us! He's invited us to his manor next week to discuss how he can be of aid to the Akatsuki!

When Kyūsuke first told Yahiko, he thought he was dreaming, but the letter Kyūsuke handed us confirmed it. It hasn't even been one full year and yet we've already come so far.

To celebrate, Yahiko invited the inner members of Akatsuki over to our house and ordered everyone to get piss drunk. Yahiko and I ended up being goaded into a drinking competition by the others, but seeing as how we were both lightweights, by the time we tossed back our fifth shot, we were seeing stars.

Konan forbade us from taking another sip of anything other than water and handed us a canteen before shooing us out onto the patio.

"That Konan…" Yahiko took a gulp before shaking his head, "She can be such a mom sometimes. We're not that drunk, are we?"

I hiccupped and took the canteen from him, "I don't think I can get up by myself right now."

Yahiko turned to me and laughed loudly, "Hah, what's with that? Come on Nagato, show some backbone."

As he finished speaking, he attempted to stand on his feet and promptly fell to the floor. I snickered and he turned to me with red cheeks.

"Shut up." He mumbled before sitting back up, "That was a fluke."

"Sure, sure." I chuckled before drinking some more water.

The two of us went silent and turned to admire the night sky. The moon, in its bright waxing crescent phase, was perfectly complimented by the stars around it.

"Arigato, Nagato." Yahiko said, breaking the silence, "I couldn't have done any of this without you."

I smiled at him, "That's not true. You're amazing, Yahiko. I'm just glad I could be by your side to witness history in the making."

He returned the smile and I felt myself lean closer to him. Unconsciously, he must've mirrored my motions because I soon felt his breath on my lips. The scent of alcohol unceremoniously drifted into my nose, but I was undeterred and held steadfast in my position.

We stared into each other's eyes, and I watched his brown eyes become black as his pupils dilated. It seemed like he had drifted even closer to me, and this suspicion was confirmed when his mouth lightly tapped my own.

As his tongue fluttered over my lips, I felt myself sober up, and with a hard swallow, I cleared my throat and looked away.

"I'm…I'm glad Konan is with us." I said quietly, "She saved us from a lot of bad situations."

"R-Right." Yahiko stammered, and I heard him shuffle beside me as he got to his feet, "Speaking of Konan, I—I think I'm gonna head inside and see if she needs help with anything."

I nodded and didn't look back until I heard the patio door close.

What should I call that? A kiss? No, that would be absurd. But he…no, it must've been an accident. That's what I keep telling myself, but the truth is that I…I wanted him to keep going.

If I hadn't pulled away, would he have kissed me the way he kisses Konan? He shouldn't be asleep yet, I can go ask him but I'm afraid.

What if he says that it was a mistake, that he didn't do it on purpose or that he wasn't thinking straight? I can't take that chance. We're both men anyways, thoughts like this aren't normal.

Besides, he and Konan are…there's no space for me in his heart. At least, not in that way. He's my best friend. That should be enough. But…

|1990. May 19th. Saturday|

Yahiko's dead.

Hanzō's invitation to his manor, his talks about coming together for the good of Ame, it was all a lie.

When the two of us got there, we went inside only to find Konan beside Hanzō on the upstairs railing. Her hands were bound behind her back and Hanzō held a knife to her throat, preventing her from escaping. He took that same knife and threw it at our feet before ordering me to kill Yahiko in exchange for Konan's life.

With one glance around the room, I realized we were surrounded by his henchmen, and I faced Hanzō. In an attempt to stall for time, I asked him what his motivations were for doing this, but as he dropped Konan to her knees, it became clear that he was in no mood for discussion, so I picked up the knife. I tried to think of something as I looked from Konan to Yahiko, but as I turned, Yahiko ran into the knife and impaled himself.

"You are the future…" He whispered as he slid to the floor.

The last thing I heard was Konan's anguished cry and the cocking of a gun. After that, everything went red.

It was just like what had happened on New Year's Day except when my vision cleared, Hanzō's manor looked like a scene out of a horror movie. I dropped the bloodied knife in my hand and stepped over the numerous bodies that littered the floor in order to get to Konan who was cradling Yahiko.

"He's still alive but…he's lost too much blood." She tearfully said to me as I knelt beside them.

Yahiko's eyes were barely open, and just as she said, he seemed to be hanging on to life by a thin thread.

"Nagato, gomen…" He apologized weakly, "I promised I'd bring you back if you ever went crazy, but I couldn't do anything again…"

I took his hand and sniffed, "You've done more than enough. Don't say anything else, I'll can an ambulance and we can get you help."

"No…" He shook his head slowly, "We both know it's too late for that."

"I—" I cut myself off as he lifted a shaky hand to Konan's face, and she leaned into the touch.

Yahiko gave us a frail smile, "I love you, Konan. And you, Nagato. I know I never really said it, but I love you."

The agony I was feeling subsided for a moment as I realized this was my only chance to tell him how I really felt. Whether it was normal or not, I wasn't going to let him die without saying something.

I held his hand tighter, "Yahiko, me too, I—"

"I know." He held a long blink before his brown eyes found mine, "I always knew. I'm sorry for being such a coward, maybe if I'd said something earlier, you wouldn't have endured so much heartache."

My vision became blurry as tears rushed to my eyes, "I'm the coward. If anything, I—"

He hacked up a glob of blood and spit it to the side, and I caught Konan's eyes widen with fear.

"You two take care of each other, ne?" Yahiko's voice was barely above a whisper now, "Akatsuki can change the nation, as long as you guys stick together…"

His words trailed off and as his head went limp, I realized he had passed. Konan shut his eyes before hanging her head and weeping. All I could do was sit and stare at him in disbelief. Even when Konan eventually got up and began making some calls, I couldn't remove my eyes from his corpse.

The other inner members of the Akatsuki came and helped clean up as best as they could. The only reason I moved was because Daibutsu tugged me to my feet and practically carried me out of the manor.

I still can't believe it. Yahiko's not dead. He just can't be.

Part of me expects to head down the hall and find him on his bed with that stupid grin of his, asking me what I need. I've gone there a couple times, but he's not there.

I'm going to bed. Hopefully when I wake up, this will all be one terrible nightmare.

|1990. July 25th. Wednesday|

Two months have passed since Yahiko's death. A lot happened in that time, including Konan and I moving out of Tezuna's house. I visited her today and found this journal in my old room.

I guess I should start by saying that once news of Yahiko's death hit, our membership count rapidly began to drop. It didn't help that his cause of death was kept a secret due to the circumstances of the situation.

Hanzō hasn't been seen since then, but I thought it would be foolish to come out and say that the mayor of our town had orchestrated his murder. Even though it was the truth, we were playing the game of politics, and no matter how small a government official was, they had to have some sort of backing. We weren't strong enough to take on that kind of force. We still aren't strong enough, but I'm getting us there, for Yahiko's sake.

He told me I was the future, that Akatsuki could change the country if I had Konan by my side, and I intend to live up to his dying words.

Speaking of Konan, she's practically my other half at this point. I don't do a thing without confiding in her, and no one in Akatsuki is allowed to make a move without consulting me or her. It's just the two of us now.

She doesn't smile as much as she used to, though I guess that's to be expected considering she's not done grieving Yahiko. Although we said to tell each other everything, somethings just can't be shared. She puts on a brave face, but I've heard her crying in her room at night, softly sobbing your name. I don't know what I can do to comfort her.

I haven't shed any tears since that day. Not to take a dig at Konan, but in this land that always cries, tears haven't changed a thing. They don't change anything. The only way to make a difference is with power, and that's what I've been trying to attain.

When members began quitting, I held an emergency meeting at the local park, and told everyone that if they were no longer sure of the cause, they could hand in their jackets and be freed from any Akatsuki association.

Many people left right then and there, but when I saw that a sizeable amount of people still remained, I was determined to weed out anymore shaky recruits.

"Those of you who remain, the goal of Akatsuki has not changed. We still aim to bring peace to this lawless nation. Just know that the methods in which we will achieve this peace will change. If you are afraid to get your hands dirty, to step into the night in order to bring the day, go now."

Like I expected, many more people got up. By the time everyone was finished leaving, the crowd had reduced by almost 97%, and just about thirty people were left. I shook the hand of those who remained and promised them that great things were to come, one step at a time.

|1990. August 6th. Monday|

Yahiko, it's been more than 49 days since you passed away and considering how you lived a good life, I'm sure you're in the Deva realm. Hopefully you're too busy having fun up there to look down at us.

If you did, then I'm sorry about what you saw last night. It was a mistake. I—We were drunk, and we got to talking…I finally got her to confide in me about her grief. We hugged for a long time but when I moved to go back to my room, she pulled me back and told me she didn't want to be alone. After that we—I…I'm sorry.

There's nothing going on between us, it was a moment of weakness, on both our parts. She wanted to be comforted, I wanted to comfort her…it just happened. Forgive me.

I've been thinking about some of your final moments, your last words.

That night, the week before Hanzō's meeting, was that a kiss that you gave me on the patio? If it was, why did you do it? And before you died, you said that if you weren't such a coward, I wouldn't have been so heartbroken. What did you mean?

I wish I could talk to you.

|1990. August 26th. Sunday|

If we meet in the afterlife, I owe you a free punch to the face. It's the least I can offer after what Konan and I have been doing.

She comes to me late at night with bloodshot eyes and complaints of being unable to fall asleep without someone next to her. I know what she's trying to do and still I give in. When we wake the next morning, she promises me that this is the last time, but it never is.

I can't say no to her.

Sometimes I'll catch her mumbling to herself, other days she's just so…dejected. I know words have power, so I don't want to speak anything into existence, but I've been keeping a close eye on her. I'm worried that she'll…Buddha knows that if I lose her, I'll—I just can't.

Our amorous situation aside, I bet you're wondering why you haven't been buried yet. That's because there's something I've been thinking about recently. Remember when I said I wish I could speak to you? Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or anytime soon, but in this lifetime, I hope to see you again.

Hopefully what I'm thinking of will work.

|1990. December 25th. Tuesday|

Konan finally fell asleep after our fifth round. I don't reject her anymore; I haven't since October. There's no point, really. It seems like she'll never get out of her depressed mood, and who can blame her? I think about you all the time now, even when I'm with her.

I don't like having sex with Konan sober, so maybe I can admit this to myself because I'm kind of drunk. I loved you, Yahiko. And not just as a friend.

I should've kissed you back that night, no matter what the consequences might've been. Maybe you'd still be alive. Maybe a decision as simple as that was the actual difference between life and death. I guess we'll never know now.

They say time heals, but it just gets harder and harder with each passing day. I guess that's partly why I say yes to Konan's…invitations. I get why she needs to feel the heat of someone else's body, even if it's just for a few lust-filled moments, that warmth reminds us that we're still alive.

Isn't it funny? We die in each other's arms every night, yet we're alive.

Konan's mumbling in her sleep and feeling around for me, I think I'll go back to bed.

|1992. March 7th. Saturday|

Two years. I haven't written in this book in two years. Re-reading everything I wrote reminded me about a lot of things. A lot has changed. Akatsuki's changed.

I met a curious man the other day who said he wants to join us, but he's much older than me or any of our other members. When I asked him what his motivations are, he smiled and said money. I don't think I've ever met a more honest individual.

He calls himself Kakuzu, and I'm supposed to be meeting with him tomorrow, but that's not the reason I sat down to write in this book. I'm writing because an hour ago, I killed Kyūsuke.

He was supposed to protect Konan, and I caught him trying to seduce her. And like the insatiable woman that she's become, of course she gave in to his temptations. I just thank Buddha I arrived before things got too far.

The look in her eyes as I yanked him up and shoved him out of the room…it was as if she cared about him more than me. Maybe that's why I got rid of him instead of letting him off. We're supposed to be together and yet she's…slipping.

Sex with me isn't enough anymore. I can't fuck her sorrows away, not when they grow by the day. At first, I noticed she began to drink a little more every time we were at a gathering, and although I didn't like it, I figured alcohol was better than nothing. But ever since last year, I've seen her: smirking at some of the guys, batting her eyelashes to those who engage her in conversation.

She'd never done anything in my presence, so as weird as it made me feel, I held my tongue. But after tonight? Never again.

If I hadn't walked in, she would've slept with Kyūsuke. What would she have done afterwards? Maybe I'm being overdramatic, but I can't lose her.

I can't.

Then again, maybe this is all my fault. Around June last year, she asked me to get her pregnant. She said a child would make her happy, or at least give her something to live for.

I told her no. It's one thing to have sex with her, but to father her child…I felt like I'd be crossing a line. I reminded her that what we do is not out of love or adoration.

"You're not mine." I told her as I crossed my arms.

She stepped back, "Then whose am I?"

I didn't say anything and opted to look away, but she understood instantly.

"He's dead, Nagato." Konan swallowed hard, turning around and heading for the door, "Why can't you accept that?"

How can I tell her what I feel for you? How can I tell her that you were my dream? And no one lets go of their dreams.

|1992. April 5th. Sunday|

Yahiko, I'm going to bring you back.

It sounds crazy but I've been doing research. It's going to take time and money, but most importantly time to get that money. I welcomed Kakuzu to the group since he knows a lot about money laundering and racketeering. I know Akatsuki was created to better the nation but that isn't going to happen on empty pockets.

I took a stroll around the lake this morning and met a tall guy as I was walking back. His name is Kisame, and he's got an interesting personality. Something about him stuck out to me and I invited him to the Akatsuki. He said he'd think about it but disappeared before I could give him my contact information. I have a feeling he'll find me without any of that.

And to think, we only spoke because he stopped me to compliment my appearance.

If you're watching me, you'll know what I'm…what I've done to myself. It's the only way for me to keep Konan's interest, and it seems to be working but how long until she starts to drift again?

I can't be you. I'll never be you, that's why I need you back, with me. You'll know what to do.

|1996. November 27th. Wednesday|

We got a tip that Hanzō was hiding out in Kusagakure, and it turned out to be true. Kisame came with me to check it out. We've grown close these past four years. He's someone I rely on a lot now. Sasori, another member that joined would've accompanied us, but I changed my mind at the last second. He's only eighteen, I didn't want him to be exposed to such things at a young age even though he told me he's seen worse.

Kisame took care of the guards and stood watch while I went inside. Hanzō looked so weak, so afraid, as if he had seen his worst nightmare, and in that instant all the hatred I had nursed through the years was gone. The only thing that remained was pain.

His death didn't bring me any satisfaction or closure. Of course it wouldn't, after all, it's not like Yahiko was brought back for it. The only thing I gained from this was the gold I found in his hideout; I can use it to fund the research for Yahiko's revival.

I only killed Hanzō, but once the deed was done and Kisame came inside, he noted that Hanzō had kept a list of his next of kin that would be able to help him pick and move again.

"It's not good to leave a job unfinished." Kisame advised me, and I gave him a look.

"Hanzō's the one that killed Yahiko, not these people."

Kisame patted my shoulder, "Yet here you are avenging him. Give it a couple years, and these people will come for you the same way unless we hit them first."

I stared him in the eyes and searched him for any reservations, but Kisame stood firm by his resolution to tie up any loose ends.

"…I want no part in it." I told him after a pause, "But I'm giving you permission to do what you think needs to be done."

Kisame bowed, "Arigato, Nagato."

Some weeks later, I read about a couple of the killings in the papers, and although my stomach tossed at the notion of being responsible for them, I was able to get a grip by telling myself that it had to be done.

I only told Konan about Hanzō's death, but she's no fool. I'm sure she put two and two together, though if she had any problem with my decision, she didn't say.

When we slept together that night, she was much more…reserved, much less needy. She wasn't too focused on her pleasure, and instead asked what she could do to make me feel good. I didn't put too much thought into it, not wanting to start seeing things that weren't there. It was a…calmer session for sure.

And it ended with a kiss. We haven't done that in a while.

|1998. September 2nd. Thursday|

I've made up my mind, Yahiko. No matter who I have to kill, hurt, maim, I won't stop until you're beside me. Didn't you say that you'd snap me out of it if I lost myself? How are you supposed to do that when you're not here? You lied, but I lied to.

I said I'd never hurt any of you but I…I slapped Konan yesterday. I told her about what happened with Jiraiya on the lake, about how he died. She said that she didn't even know me anymore, and she didn't want to. That I was out of control, and I was doing all this because I couldn't forget about my dead love.

She hit in right on the mark, and out of surprise and fear, I struck her. Before I could open my mouth to apologize, she glared at me with tear-filled eyes and left the room.

How long has she known? What has she been thinking about me this whole time? I couldn't tell in the moment but those tears, were they tears of disgust or something else? I haven't seen her at all today, and I don't know what I'm supposed to say when we finally do meet.

I'm so afraid. Afraid that she'll up and disappear before my very eyes, and I'll be left all alone. I shouldn't have hit her, I know that—I just…Buddha help me.

If you see Jiraiya up there, tell him that I'm sorry. I never planned for him to die on that lake. If only he hadn't threatened me, I wouldn't have had to…I had no choice.

Are you still watching over me? You must be so disappointed, maybe even repulsed. If that's the case, you can hate me all you want when you come back. I've done too much to stop now.

I can't stop now.

|1999. June 4th. Friday|

It's all coming together now that I've met with Orochimaru. I'll admit, I had come to a dead-end when it came to research on my own, but this man's scientific capability is applaudable. On his own, he seems to have a developed a serum that practically reverses-aging. You wouldn't believe that the man is 48 when he looks like he isn't a day over 30.

When I told him about my desire to bring back life, he shared that he also wants to cross what some might consider the line of our humanity. He shared his experiences in his quest for immortality and, Buddha be merciful, the man is devoid of any compassion.

He's a genius, no doubt, but the experiments he's run, the live test subjects he's used…he talks about them like they were never real people, like they were meant to be his lab rats. I didn't say anything, but my face must've showed my true thoughts.

"You're thinking that you could never be as cruel as me, ne?" Orochimaru hissed in what I would learn was his laugh, "And where has your kindness gotten you?"

I couldn't argue back as I accepted the fact that my decision to remain ethical in my own tests had produced zero results. I had resolved myself to kill anyone who threatened my tests, but I had never thought I would have to kill for my research. Was cruelty really the answer? Orochimaru seemed to think so, and he said as much.

"You're attempting to go against the one thing that arguably defines humanity as we know it!" Orochimaru exclaimed excitedly, "Death! And you think you'll ever find the key to defeating it through hugs and kisses?"

I could see how foolish my reasoning had been, and I thanked Orochimaru for opening my eyes. No great breakthrough was ever uncovered without some form of sacrifice. I prayed to Buddha that he would be merciful to all those we give to the cause.

|2000. October 16th. Monday|

I've realized it's not a good idea to carry around a book full of my crimes and weaknesses, but no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of it. Whether I hold it over an open-flame or poise myself to throw it into a body of water, I just can't do it.

Rather than have it staring me in the face day in and day out, I've decided to leave it in Tezuna's care. When she asked me what it was, I told her that if she wanted to know everything about me, she could open it and read, but she shook her head and told me to share my story with her when I'm ready.

The old me would've cried into her arms right then and there, but I can hear Yahiko's voice from when we were younger telling me to be a man and not cry. I'm writing this last page at my old desk. I think when Yahiko comes back I'll just give him this book to read, rather than repeat everything that he's missed for the past however many years he's been gone.

Here's to you, Yahiko.