We kept our agreement, meeting most nights with a new excuse to flee from our rooms. Walks, returning Mariah's cup she left for me at the door, searching for lost gloves. The safest option was to sneak out when Danny was asleep and hoping he wouldn't notice until I was back two or three hours later. I tried not to stay past midnight. Just in case I got caught and needed to lie my way out of it.

It was always hard to leave, knowing he would need to stay away from me when the sun rose. Stories of our days were not yet finished and it never felt like I had kissed him enough yet. But it only amplified the yearning for sunset. Making it more difficult to hold a conversation and me more and more fidgety the longer dinner dragged. I couldn't really believe my parents didn't notice. For a fact, I thought they must know I met Patrick in secret. Still, they didn't say a word and barely made it hard for me to find an excuse to skip after dinner duties.

Last night was a particularly short night because I lost track of time and only remembered at two that I wanted to be home by midnight to get enough sleep before church. I barely made it in time on Sunday morning but forced myself out of bed at six despite the lack of sleep. It was a long walk to the nearest service and I already dreaded the walk home in the cold.

I was all the more grateful when dad pulled up in front of the small white church to pick me up.

"I wanted to talk to you." was my dad's welcome.

"Did something happen?"

"No. No." He seemed deep in thought as he started the car. Music came to life as he swerved into traffic.

"Then what is it?" I pulled my beanie off and rolled it in my hands, mirroring the same tension my dad held. He was never a big talker so this was new.

"Your mother and I thought a lot about how to go forward. But we wanted to know your opinion."

"My opinion?" He must be joking. I tried to think back on when my opinion ever mattered in family decision. Not even May had been my own idea. Dad got the order from the boss to find someone to take over the act or get rid of the elephant and he took the chance to cement our family's spot in the spotlight. No matter me being barely 12 and scared of heights.

"You're old enough to know our options and it will be your future, too. Soon enough you have to decide what you want to pursue on your own. And you need to make an effort to come up with a new act for yourself. Something to sell yourself by."

A new act for me. The words repeated in my head like an echo from the past. It seemed like another world to think of a new act when I had already laid that part of me to rest, buried so deep I'd never have to lament it again.

"Yes." I pretended understanding. Even more: agreement. Like he worded my exact thoughts.

"We'll survey a circus in Arlington. Two hour ride. That's why I wanted you with me. They're a good option for our family. Small show. Big potential. They have good acts already but no leading light. It could be us. We could come out of this with the same opportunities as before. It's a big chance for us to keep our head out of the water."

"Ok." My pretended agreement became more lackluster the more I had to express it. Another show with new people. New people who have the potential become my colleagues and family. But they would never be because I already decided differently. Still, I had to keep a straight face even though this will never be my future and my dad will be among the last people to know of it.

"Have you thought about what you want to pursue now?"

Now that May was lost to us and I didn't have any new use yet. The familiar pressure came crashing back like the tide. I cursed internally. Of course I should have made something up, give even the tiniest bit of thought to the story I wanted to play while Patrick and I were still pretending. How easy life seemed to be when you didn't have to worry about proving your worth. Patrick's attention almost had me fooled, made me forget the stress and the emaciation.

While I was panicking and trying to find a lie suitable enough to keep up for months, dad preempted me.

"Have you talked to Patrick about it?"

I blinked at him for a second before I managed to find my words again. The fact that he had thought of asking about Patrick was lovely but hurtful at the same time. A sudden sadness filled me. When I was gone and he learned that Patrick had left, too, he will put all blame on him. My father will hate the man who provided me with my chance to escape and he will never know that I wanted to go. That I needed to because the carny life wouldn't make me happy. Not like it made my parents happy.

"We've talked about it." How much could I say without getting Patrick in trouble? I chewed on my lower lip until my dad grew worried and I had to answer before he planned on investigating too much. "More about what Patrick will be doing."

"Do you want to join his act?"

Dad didn't stop surprising me.

"Now don't act so shocked." he almost laughed at my dumbfounded expression. "Your mother and I have started training together at roughly your age. Maybe a little older. I always knew this would be my act until the day I die. Her and me. Although I married her first before we joined businesses."

It was sweet, the way he reveled in memories of his younger self. Maybe he would understand me after all. Not that I could tell him even if I wanted to.

"No, I'm not going to join him. Alex has a new plan for them. He wants them to advance their psychic act."

Dad furrowed his brows, creating lines on his forehead that must've been new. Seeing that the summer didn't pass him by unscathed either left me calm. "And Patrick doesn't want to?"

I sighed and realized too late that looking so worried wouldn't help my lies.

"You know you can talk to me." he gently urged me.

"Can you promise to act as if you don't know? And not to tell anyone!"

"Sure." His voice added a deeper, more serious tone and even if I wanted, there was no going back now.

"The Boss is in on it and Patrick doesn't have leverage to refuse. They called for an old friend of Alex's who's supposed to help upgrade the psychic act. Make it main attraction worthy."

Dad nodded absentmindedly and still I felt the need to elaborate.

"But the guy is… He's-"

"Unpleasant." he intervened before I could say what I really thought of Sean.

"Massive trouble. The illegal kind. I don't know how illegal they want to draft it but-"

He interrupted me again. "Doesn't matter. It's not worth risking a good future for it."

"I know. And Patrick knows, too."

We drove past the motel and for a moment I regretted getting into the car. It felt wrong to air all those problems to a person who can never understand all of it. Mustn't understand everything because it would risk the whole thing.

Dad uttered a low rumble and left it at that for a long time. I just started being glad that we abandoned the topic, when he turned down the radio.

"Your mother wanted me to talk to you about something else. Well, not completely something else. Something… eh… Patrick related."

The uncomfortable way he said that made my face drop and I froze completely. Maybe there was still time to drop and roll out of the car. A few broken bones would certainly be worth avoiding whatever followed after that awkward stuttering.

He didn't await my approval to continue because I would probably never give one.

"Your mother noticed that she doesn't see you together a lot anymore. Not at all actually. You always just sit around and you behave differently. Your mother worries about you. And Mariah suddenly brings a worrying amount of tea for you. If there's something you need to tell us, better now than… when it's too late."

I was too embarrassed to answer immediately. A nod was all I could give.

"Sometimes mistakes happen. We know. But it's not right for Patrick to avoid you because of… mistakes. You'd tell us if something is up, wouldn't you?" His voice was strident with awkwardness and the gaze out of the corner of his eyes begged me to make him stop having to talk.

"Oh god." were the first exclamation that sputtered out of my mouth and I sunk so deep into my seat, I couldn't sea out of the windshield anymore. "No! Nothing happened. It's not. No. Nothing. Dad, can we not, please."

He cleared his throat as if to brave for another fight. "I just don't want my little girl to suffer under her rash decision."

"No decisions. No suffering. Can we change the topic."

"Good." He repeated until he convinced himself that it was indeed good and his duty was done. Or so I thought. "But you and Patrick -"

"Dad!" I begged God to take me then and there.

"I'm just asking if it's still – relevant. You don't spend much time with each other anymore."

I took time to compose myself again, sat up straight and took a deep breath. "It is."

"You don't sound convinced."

"He's having a hard time with everything that's going on. Having the Boss breathing down your neck is not easy."

Dad nodded, the crease between his brows deepening again. "I shouldn't have endorsed it. If I'd known how that week ended, I wouldn't have allowed it."

"We would've done it anyways. It would have just been harder." I said truthfully, even to the clear distaste of my father.

His help in our plan to get May back had been essential but we would've tried it without him, too. Maybe it appeared stupid after everything we knew now. But there had been no other solution and it had almost worked out for us. Almost.

My life consisted of almosts.

"You don't have to be that honest with your father." He sounded grumpy but finished with a grin.

"Sorry." I offered an apologetic smile.

Then he surprised me again. "I'm proud of how you handled that whole situation. Resilience runs in the family. Ruskins never give up."

"I couldn't have done it alone. Patrick supported me a lot." Something in me wouldn't let me simply accept this first time my dad said he was proud of me. Maybe it was the knowledge that I did decide to give up and his pride was unwarranted.

"Yeah." He sighed. "I'm glad I was mostly wrong about him. Shouldn't be surprised that Alex even failed at ruining his own son, too. Lana would be very happy to see how her son turned out despite his waste of a father."

I couldn't put into words the relief I felt, the happiness at his words. Like he finally acknowledged what was truth all along. The heart in my chest jumped at the certainty that my dad so openly approved of Patrick and I wished he could've heard it. I couldn't imagine when Patrick had last heard his mother's name out of someone else's mouth or that he was a son to be proud of.

"I'm glad, too." The words barely made it out of my broad smile.

"And you're happy?"

I looked at him, unsure what I should say. Some time my ability to lie must be exhausted and I finally had to confront all the stories I made up. Maybe then I would find the true answer to this question. When I had nothing to hide behind and I could really feel.

"I think." I answered and it was all the truth I could tell.

Dad eyed me but left it at that.

We returned late that night and I was almost too exhausted to lie about taking a walk before bed. I entered the trailer to find Patrick launched on the bed. His legs hung from the edge and he had one arm covering his eyes against the dim light of a flashlight in the sink. The quick dip of the trailer when I stepped in, didn't make him budge and neither did the rustling of my slipping out of shoes and jacket.

He must've waited for an hour at least.

I crawled next to him on the bed and snuggled into his extended arm. Only then did he twitch and slowly wrap me in a hug. He blindly kissed my hair and uttered a hoarse hum.

"Sorry I'm late."

"I noticed." He huffed and stretched like a cat in the sun while still keeping his eyes closed. "How was your day?"
I debated what version of the story I should tell and landed on all of them. "Interesting."

"Talk to me about it."

"My dad made me visit a circus. He wanted my opinion on whether that would be an option for us."

I let that sink in before I continued. "We talked a lot on the road. Actually, we talked more than I ever remember us talking seriously."

"What about?"

My shrug nudged him in the side and I moved to lie on his chest, studying him instead. "Work. The future. The fact that we are not seen together so much anymore. And that Mariah makes it terribly obvious that she wants me to drink an awful lot of her contraceptive tea."

At that his eyes shot open wide. "What?"

"Long story." I deflected, a little amused. "She's too observant to keep a secret from her."

"I'd call that nosy."

"Whatever you want to call it."

"Do you want me to talk to her?"

My eyebrow twitched at that request. "No. No, why would you."

"Thank god. That would've been a real terrible conversation." He rubbed his eyes like he just avoided the biggest embarrassment ever and broke out into timid laughter that was awfully contagious.

"I'll just keep pouring tea down the drain and pretend like nothing happened."

"Maybe I should propose selling pseudo helpful teas at my new show, too. The more disgusting it is, the better it fools people."

Now I nudged him purposely. "Stop being mean! She's only trying to help."

Patrick didn't apologize. He was too absorbed in tugging every hair separately behind my ear. "Are you worried about something happening?"

"Sometimes." I admitted and focused on the way his cheeks dipped beneath his cheekbones. He had dimples when he made an e sound or when his lips stretched into a defined smile.

"We could get the pill for you if both help you feel safer."

I quickly shook my head. Next, he'd say that he could get the money for it because he knew I was broke and I had to find an excuse that wasn't I didn't want him to steal more money from Alex for this use. It was easier just to say no.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the way his fingers combed through my hair. It almost lulled me to sleep instantly.

"How was the circus?"

"Boring. The people were nice. They have young acts. All under 40. Really friendly."
"If you didn't leave you'd chose it." He deduced and I was glad that I didn't have to say it myself.

"Probably."

"You can always cop out if you're unsure."

I propped myself up on my elbows to get a better look at him. "I know. And I won't."

His hand on my back brushed up and down my spine in an elaborate rhythm. "The important thing is that you know."

I pursed my lips at him in defiance. Fighting his doubts for him.

"I won't." I repeated again before I pressed a kiss on his lips that froze his wandering hand dead in its track.

It was dark and silent when I sneaked back into my family's motel room. I tried to be as gentle as possible when I slipped under the blanket next to Danny on the couch. The scarce lights from the courtyard pushed through the gaps of the shutters and threw lines of cold glow directly onto my pillow. I debated if I should get up and close them or just try to ignore them until sleep made them irrelevant.

"Where have you been?" Danny whispered and when my eyes adjusted to the darkness on his side, I could see the faint white of his eyes focused on me.

"Had to pee." I pulled the blanket higher and wanted to turn around to escape his nosy gaze.

"Outside?"

I panicked and blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. Since when was he such a light sleeper? "You should've been asleep hours ago."

"Not just me." He had a voice like he wanted to stick out his tongue at me but was too tired to properly tease.

"I am."

"Now." He pushed further. "You don't really go for a walk, do you?"

"Why shouldn't I?" I shrugged and propped my arms over the scratchy blanket. It must be really bad when even Alex's trailer smelled better than this moth-eaten linen and I debated if I should leave the whole thing to my little brother despite the chilly draft pressing in from under the door.

"It's dark and scary outside."

"Don't tell me you're scared of the dark."

"No." His voice was louder, so much did he pretend to not be offended.

I chuckled.

"You're just always unlucky with new people you meet." He stated and made me stare at him blankly. He wasn't wrong. My track record didn't flatter me but hearing it from my little brother made me feel a tinge of shame. Gone were the times he believed everything I said. Somehow he became wiser than I was.

He rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling, too. "Since when are we keeping things from each other? From our parents, yeah sure. But…"

A sigh was all I could hold against his accusations. Things were different from when we were younger. The secrets became bigger and the stakes higher. Topics differed. Shamefully, I had to admit that I didn't even know what was going on in his life right now. I was too busy with my own troubles to focus on his. When had he stopped playing with toys?

"Don't you trust me anymore?" He asked and I wished I could turn it into a joke but he was too serious to evade his questions.

"I do. But the more people know, the riskier it gets. And you've never been good at keeping secrets."
He sighed dramatically. "I can't believe you still hold the shampoo incident against me."

I tried to stifle my laughter and sound outraged at the same time. "The clowns were green for days! Head to toe! And I got all the heat for it!"

"Well to be fair, it was your fault."

"All three of us did it together and you were supposed to shush up about it!"

"I was eight! And a bunch of green choleric clowns are a lot to hold out against."

Our voices were barely whispers anymore.
"Yeah Andreff's pretty scary."

"I think his hair is still a little green."

Suffocated laughter filled the room and it took a long time until we were calm enough to talk.

"Stay safe, Annie. Maybe take Patrick with you if you can't help it."

"I will." I replied, thankful he gave me the chance to be ambiguously truthful to him. Some day I had to tell him I was leaving with Patrick and it will break my little brother's heart that I'm just leaving him behind. He wouldn't understand how I could chose anything but this. Anything but family. Until then however, I could still pretend.

"Night, little brother."

"Night." He sighed and rolled on his side away from me.

"Love you."

"Don't be disgusting." I could hear the grin in his voice and closed my eyes, smiling myself.