Tags: A normal ranked game, Twitch, Alpha ADCs in 2k17, song fiction, insanity, based on a true game.
Vacation note: This one isn't even the weirdest thing I have written so far. Stuck in the middle of nowhere without Wifi and memes to help me sustain my subpar intellectual abilities, I slowly spiraled into insanity. My mind crushed under the soothing and lethargic life rhythms of the warm countryside. Mosquitoes, lizards, bees and actual human contact caging me from all sides. Their villainous eyes are always watching. I am never alone, even now as I type this pitiful cry for help and I ration my books and tablet battery in order for them to last a few more hours there is a chicken that's staring at me from outside the window. And it might be just me, but it kind of looks hungry… -The rest of the note is covered in blood and is unreadable.
The game starts and both the red and blue team spawn in their respective fountains at their base. Suddenly the blue team's support, Blitzcrank notices that something peculiar is occurring at his marksman's status display. With true wonder and pure kindness in his metallic artificial heart, the Great Steam Golem asks his adc: "Hey Twitch, why did you take ignite?"
The Zaunite rodent pauses as it is buying its first starting items from the shop. The marksman then takes a deep breath and simply explains:
"Because I am a man, pussy adcs take heal, I wanna kill, I am a male not a girl. I am an Alpha, I want kills mahn."
The unfortunate members of the blue team are both unnerved and amused by their marksman's snappy response, but then again, there is nothing that they could do at this point but play the game and hope for the best possible outcome. At least their marksman hopefully knows what he is doing, otherwise he wouldn't have picked Twitch against an Alistar and Draven combo, right?
And so after taking a long deep breath and with hope for victory still burning in their chests like kindling embers, the optimistic teammates head out to their respective lanes.
Malzahar smiles as the Void Prophet prepares himself for a joyous farm fest in the mid lane. The jungler and toper are both antisocial hermits and thus their champions are not important and won't be mentioned. You have already met the bot lane.
Malzahar's stare intently darts towards the swarms of blue and red minions that are currently fighting for supremacy in the center of the mid lane. The corrupted void mage doesn't dare to even blink lest he misses a precious cs! The Void Prophet's serious, shining eyes almost bulging out of the villainous, purple-clad man's eye sockets much like in that one Sponge Bob episode that I can barely remember.
Anyway, our hero, Malzahar the Pious, righteous defender of little voidlings and caretaker of the colossal Cho'Gath, was about to kill his first creep of the game. The corrupted mage is perfectly still, his glare narrowing, his fingers twitching, the evident bulge in Malzahar's pants visibly growing considerably at the prospect of him messily spurting his little soldiers all over Syndra's egotistical, and yet admittedly, beautiful visage.
But before Malzahar has the time to violently unleash his army of voidlings upon his adversary like a perfectly normal and non-perverted human being, a sudden announcement rings across the Summoner's Rift! A monotone female voice informing everyone that Draven had drawn first blood by slaying the alpha male, Plague Rat.
"Lucker!" Instantly exclaims Twitch in All Chat, and the whole blue team minus the unfortunate marksman promptly releases a collective resigned sigh.
"Let's just continue" Malzahar mutters and Syndra just nods. The two mid laners exchange spells and farm a dozen of minions or so, and the Void Prophet is already envisioning of how he is going to smear his sticky void jam all over Syndra's big bust and make her swallow his hot load of magic damage, when a second announcement thankfully distracts him and so Malz doesn't have the chance to combo the Ionian spell caster with his legit abilities.
"Second Blood!" Exclaims the female narrator and the grayed portrait of Twitch abruptly appears among the Rift's static clouds.
"GG, surrender this shit!" The sentient (?) rodent promptly exclaims as Twitch picks his third Doran's blade from the shop.
"This is ranked" The blue team's mid laner grumbles under his breath.
"Beep Boop!" Quickly agrees yellow Blitzcrank without a second thought.
"l2p" Adds in the All Chat a grinning Draven.
And the Plague Rat's brain fries with a pop.
"Why are you guys all speaking in rhyme?" Curiously wonders Syndra, perplexed with all the blatant mockery and the bad rap.
" Imma squeeze your juicy melons around my Void Rod!" Replies Malzahar "Imma shoot my magic spunk in your abused big bu-
Syndra ulties Malzahar and Malzahar dies, the rhymes fade out like the golden age of Hip Hop.
And as if an unknown force attempts to return the readers attention to the actual story, Draven kills Twitch again with a MMA fighter's suplex drop.
"Lucker! Hacker! I repeot you!" Twitch types hysterically in the All Chat. "Report Blatz for no taking heaal!" Screams in outrage the mad Plague Rat.
I Need a rhyme!... Fuck!
Errrhm... Beat Xin Zhao with a wooden bat?...
… Ahem, the match continues as Twitch keeps dying.
'Fifth Blood'
'Sixth Blood'
'Hemorrhage'
'Arterial Bleeding'
'Somebody call an ambulance, Twitch is turning into a fucking Vlad pool!'
'Guys! His heart's just stopped beating!'
And Imma trying to save mah man Twitch, kick-start his heart, help the damn poor rat fer real.
But it is just useless. Goddamit Twitch… Why mah dude? Why yo gotta bring ignite in rankeds instead of heal?
...
*Low heart monitor beeping*
The End. In loving memory of alpha ADCs.
Yeah, there was initially some plot behind this. I was supposed to narrate some unpleasant games I've had in the past and then insert a humorous message at the end that spelled 'And that's why Drawing started promoting using protection in all of their lemony Yuri stories.' And then close with a scene where a confused Lux wonders about the meaning of those words while a grinning Ahri behind her is putting condoms on all of her nine tails before she pounces at Lux.
Yeaaaaah. Never mind that. Fortunately or not, I can't stop typing in poem format whenever I happen to accidentally make a sentence rhyme. I am dead serious, folks! I can't control this shit, it's like I can't reign over my own mind. I just keep writing in prose, spinning words, I don't know if the result is plain *bleep or just divine.
I have so many random Teemo rap songs, I initially spited them like fire.
I then read them again after a bit and shoved then in a forgotten Word file.
I have one where the dark yordle and Kayle muh bros are fighting like dogs, this thing is pure strife!
Sometimes I wonder, is this rap song is simply a rivalry thing or a paean born from the two's inner desire?!
Oh Gods. I gotta stop typing this. Teemo is manly and strong like Hercules.
He's gonna laser Viktor and dragon kick Lee sin, serve you Bristle and Nami in a porcelain dish.
I'm talking about yordle superiority. Bandle City is the world's only authority.
Something, something, Vastayans are a minority…
Clank! Clank! Diiis! Finding a psychologist is now my ubertop priority.
…Damn
Oh my god! I have to stop
Fingers punching keys non-stop
SomeONE help! I can't stop this!
Thinking in rhyme, punching keys.
Oh god, no! No, no, please!
Poems for me are like a disease
Let me go! Someone help!
Fingernails cracking with each verse
Fuck it hurts! Oh gods, I see blood!
With a rap song friendos we all have fun.
Rhymes, just stop it, I beg you, please!
Fresh red smudges on the tablet's screen.
We will never let go of you Drawing, You opened your bran to us.
YOU let us IN!
I have only one chance to end this nightmare
I only know of a sole surefire way!
Drawing grabs the loaded water gun by using their teeth and then aims it at the ol' tablet's cracked screen
With PAIN and MALICE and PURE unadulterated HATE!
No, don't do this you dumb animal! Drawing, you know you need us! It is still not too late!
Think of all the smut stories in this thing's storage drive! The walls of text you will have to replace!
Think of the Yuri, the terrible puns, the lame jokes that make your reviewers either spasm, shiver or cry!
I narrow my eyes
I steel my heart
I aim the water gun at the tablet with renewed vigor at last
I grit my teeth!
It is a good day for a poem/tablet to die!