Tags: Humor, Comedy, Riven, Jinx.

Crimson eyes slowly open to examine their surroundings. A white-haired warrior is currently standing on some kind of low circular altar that's surrounded by enormous constructs brimming with power and stuffed with rare, visibly vibrating crystals. The gaze of the solitary warrior attentively wanders across the familiar battlefield that she has visited more times that she can recall. The memories of hard-earned triumphs and bitter defeats minutely resurfacing inside the young woman's mind, until a faceless voice suddenly draws the contemplating fighter out of her distracting thoughts.

Mindless puppets garbed in red tunics abruptly materialize before the pale warrior's very eyes. Out of mere habit, a gauntleted hand grips a broken black blade that's inscribed with long forgotten Noxian words of power. The shattered weapon reacts to the touch of its owner, a faint green outline spreading across the ancient etchings of the letters that had been so many years ago meticulously chipped off the surface of the heavy runic blade.

The Noxian briefly glances at her old partner curiously, her maroon-colored orbs taking in the sight of the shattered sword. And even though the veteran soldier doesn't quite smile, the fighter's muscles slightly relax and her posture becomes less threatening.

'Riven, can you hear me?'

The Noxian woman now identified as Riven the Exile initially jolts in surprise when the voice of a stranger echoes inside her thoughts. Only for the albino swordswoman to calm down at the next moment when Riven quickly realizes that she is just having a telepathic conversation with her Summoner for the match.

'Yes, Summoner. Where are my teammates?' The female League champion mentally replies and her Summoner nervously clears his throat before speaking in her head. Riven doesn't even know how such a thing is possible, but it apparently is and so the solitary exiled soldier doesn't question it.

'This isn't an official match, Exile. You were summoned here so we could test some new enchantments that will hopefully speed up a champion's response to sudden changes in battle. I am currently sending you a mental image of the battlefield. Could you describe to me what you can see?'

Riven tries to focus, the mental image is there, certainly accessible to her and yet too unclear, almost indiscernible for the snow-haired swordswoman to make heads or tails of it.

'I can distinguish a large body of water so the place depicted is probably near the river, and some forest vegetation, but the rest isn't clear enough for me to recognize the place.'

…

'I see.' The summoner grumbles with some disappointment and Riven can almost.. experience? his resignation due to the magical bond that is currently connecting their thoughts.

'How about this one, then? Is this mental image also blurry?'

Riven pauses for a few moments and she then subconsciously nods her head even though the Summoner is most likely unable to see her.

'It... looks like the spawning location for the dragon? I can see a natural cavity burrowing into a hill and something else akin to flowing water.'

…

'Close enough I guess, it is the Baron Pit, but it seems like these enchantments aren't quite ready to be used in official League matches just yet. Thank you for your time, Miss Riven. The Institute of War appreciates your cooperation.'

Riven bows her head slightly and closes her eyes as the white-haired warrior disappears from this plane of eternal conflict and worldwide consequences.

0000

The stoic battle-hardened swordswoman somewhat staggers when Riven's feet unexpectedly land once more on the marble floor of the completely abandoned summoning chamber. The six tall pillars made of aquamarine pulsating stone being the only thing of note other than the magical inscriptions that are already cooling down beneath Riven's sandals when the Noxian deserter abruptly materializes inside the pristine white room.

Riven is still a little wary, not to mention winded by the intrusive pull of the Summoners' magic and the rapid change of scenery when a loud growl emanating from the warrior's empty stomach gives Riven some insight into what she ought to be doing instead of wasting her time like a complete tool. With determined, and albeit hurried footsteps Riven heads towards the mess hall to finally get some food in her. Completely unaware of the almost invisible sky blue magical glint that soon fades from her stern maroon-colored eyes.

0000

A loud buzzing fills the solitary warrior's ears when Riven enters the gargantuan room, the clanking of plates, eating utensils and such tableware a constant cacophony of livid activity that's always present in the background. Not one for dillydallying without a reason, Riven casually grabs a serving tray from near the stalls and fills it with a small variety of foods she is fond of, before the quite hungry Exile proceeds to find an empty table to enjoy her food, away from the other noisy residents of the Institute.

"Just look at her, sitting there oh-so-quietly, all reclusive and brooding! Eating alone by herself. That was my thing before She barged in here, with her fancy war scars and her stupid sob story."

Still in the middle of chewing a mouthful of delicious meat pie, Riven raises her eyes towards the direction of the feminine voice and glares at a presently scowling Shauna Vayne that's seated a few tables away from her. The Exile's mood spirals downwards. Yes, Riven was sadly used to people openly insulting her for either her leaving Noxus after it had betrayed her, or due to her Noxian nationality. But even so, the presently annoyed female albino was pretty sure that she had never done anything bad to earn her the ire of the clearly agitated Night Hunter.

Riven decides to ignore the Demacian woman's harsh words after a tense moment of silence and the peeved Exile slowly returns back to devouring the rest of her tasty meat pie.

"Just look at her wolfing down all that food! Does she have no shame? And here I am trying to rein in my weight, eating only salads for a whole month while She can afford to eat more food than three grown men and still stay slim like a Bilge-rat's tail! Nagakabouros help me, this woman is a damn glutton!"

Riven can't help it, but choke on her mouthful of meat pie this time. Totally caught off guard by the practically scorching, acidic remarks that had been so abruptly hurled her way. The Exile coughs and then downs an entire glass of water as she tries to regain her breathing again. Through wet, teary eyes the recovering albino swordswoman spies Illaoi passing by her table with an empty food tray clasped in her dark-skinned hands.

"Serves you right, glutton!" Illaoi smirks victoriously as she disposes of her food tray and then leaves the room with big strides.

What the hell was wrong with everybody today? First Vayne accuses her of stealing her 'brooding spotlight' or whatever, and then Illaoi basically calls her a fat pig. Riven suddenly eyes her empty water glass warily. Was there something in the Institutes water?

"Notice me. Hey, hey notice me. Please, notice me Rivy? Pweeeease?... Just fucking notice me, Riven! Come on already! Please, look at me you dashing albino lookin' ass, rugged beauty lookin'ass, you dreamy female Noxian woman-hunk model, you!"

Riven hesitantly glances towards the very impatient speaker, and Luxanna Crownguard, the babbly Lady of Luminosity meets the Exile's curious gaze for all but a millisecond, before the blonde light mage's face suddenly flashes a bright red. Lux instantly snaps her head away, hastily engaging in a seemingly frantic conversation with her very confused older brother, Garen.

"Squeeeeeeeeeeeee! Our eyes met! What if Riven also wants this? What if my rugged Rivy-poo already wants to meet mommy and daddy? This is so exciting! My maiden heart is not ready yet!"

The white-haired warrior merely blinks at those words, slightly puzzled as to their meaning. And Riven becomes even more awestruck and confused when the other Demacians that are calmly sitting at Luxanna's table not only refrain from clutching at their ears in pain, but even refuse to visibly react to the shrill quality of the light mage's high-pitched squeal.

"Stop staring at my cute ray of Demacian sunshine you pale traitor whore!"

Riven simply flips Katarina the bird without turning to look at the obnoxious redheaded assassin.

"What?! How did the Traitor Bitch know that I was glaring at her? Riven hasn't so much as glanced at my general direction since she sat her fat ass down to stuff her face with meat pie.

The pale swordswoman pouts as she spares a sideways glance at her presently seated rear. Now, why did both Katarina and Illaoi had specifically mentioned her silhouette and appetite in their insults? Had she really put on weight?

A fleeting, but careful inspection of her toned stomach and athletic body later and Riven easily comes to the conclusion that, 'No, she hadn't put on weight. Everything looked quite normal to her. Perhaps those two should have their eyes checked first before hurtfully commenting on other people's figures…'

"Demacia. Demacia. Demacia. Demacia."

"Demacia. Demaaacia. Dema-cia. But Demacia. Demacia. CiaDema. Demacia not?"

Well, at the very least Garen thankfully sounded still the same as always, so who knows, maybe her fellow League champions are just extra jerkish today.

"Hey Sona, can I have this slice of cherry pie?" Asks Ahri a table away from Riven's as she points at something that's on the mute songstress' plate. Sona nods her head and pushes the plate towards the Nine Tailed-fox with a polite smile.

"Thanks!" Ahri happily exclaims in apparent glee as she starts digging her fork into the slice of mouthwatering cherry pie.

"I sincerely hope that you enjoy it you stupid vixen. You always take my dessert instead of getting one from the serving area on your own! That's why I laced this cherry pie with a potent laxative today!"

Riven's eyes instantly widen in shock at this surprising display of malice coming from the usually kind mute support. Ahri on the other hand merely swallows her first bite of pie and goes for the second. The Noxian Exile can only blink frozen in shock as Ahri continues happily polishing her plate off the tampered tasty dessert..

And the scariest part in the drama that is quickly unfolding before the stunned Noxian deserter, the most startling detail of them all, is that Sona doesn't seem like she is kidding! There is no way that the slowly sinisterly smirking Maven is joking with all of this hate and malice painting her airy voice-

Wait just a minute! Sona is for one a mute and two Riven didn't see the deceptive support's lips move at all when the mute musician had so foolishly decided to reveal her cunning plan at her Nine-tailed victim. There is also the weird part that Ahri is happily devouring the slice of cherry pie as if the Ionian fox is blissfully unaware of the mute songstress' true motives.

A troubling thought then enters Riven's mind. What if all the voices that she has been hearing today were not really audible? What if she was currently suffering from the aftereffects of the telepathic enchantments she had helped the Summoners test a little earlier that day?

As if this thought is the spark that ignites the fuse of a bomb, the already loud buzzing of the crowded mess hall suddenly becomes an explosion of yelling voices and blurry images.

'Damn it, another lost match. I will have to win the next one for sure!'

'Oh, hey Gnar!' 'Demacia, Demacia, Demacia.' 'Force is meaningless without skill.'

'Yay! Apple pie!' "Valor get back here you feathery jerk!" 'Hey! Watch where you are going, asshole!'

'Why is Valor flying around with revealing pink lingerie clutched in his talons?' 'Just look at her, she is like a dream come true, a goddess. And I'm.. I'm just... Just a nobody. Sigh.'

'Now where is Morde? He told me to meet him here to talk about the next Single.'

'Damn it, Yorick is already here and I still have no idea of how to break it to him that Pentakill's next big hit won't be about rock and metal, but dubstep and techno instead.' 'If any other telepath can hear this, the trick to shutting off the voices is.. Oh who am I kidding, I will always be alone just like my poor ma.'

"Techno! Morde are you fucking high on paladin souls again!?"

"Valor, I am warning you, let the lingerie down or you won't get any more bird snacks again, ever."

'Oh! Oh no! I need those bird snacks! I luuuv bird snacks! B-b-but Miss Vayne told me that this clothing-underwear-thing is haunted and that she needs to see it in order to exorcize it and protect Quinny! You gotta stay strong Valor! You gotta stay strong.'

'D-e-maciaaa! Demacia?' 'Yeah rush to the toilets you shitty fox! Let's see if you are gonna make it!'

"That's it Val, nice and slow, put the underwear down, nobody needs to get hurt."

'B-b-bird snax.. I am so sorry, Miss Vayne.'

Riven grunts in pain as the white-haired swordswoman stands up from her seat and unceremoniously proceeds to toss her body towards the great room's exit.

The accidental telepath's sight is flickering on and off shifting with each erratic heartbeat of her pumping red muscle. Riven's feet stumbling awkwardly against the floor, arms spread forward pushing other League champions out of her way as the Noxian races for the exit. A few scandalized yelps rise at this kind of rude treatment, scattered glares burning into Riven's back as the disoriented Noxian swordswoman somehow manages to slam her shoulder against the oaken double doors and crawl on all fours outside.

The suffocating fog of swirling thoughts and feelings seems to dissipate considerably the moment Riven exits the crowded spacious chamber that serves as the mess hall. The shaken snow-haired swordswoman's teeth clattering, her appendages violently quaking about.

Riven, surprisingly enough succeeds in dragging her suddenly unresponsive body a few more steps away from the giant oaken door of the chamber, before her vision starts dimming and she has to take a break breathing heavily against the cold ground.

'What is black and blue, and is about to show you the-'

'Blood for Noxus!'

'Damn mid laners and pesky marksmen, coming into our jungles and stealing our buffs! In my time we had to drag the enemy minions to our lane from their spawning area and then farm them!'

"These corridors are so plain, they need more decorations. Like my name spray-painted on the walls and ceiling!" One of the voices claims with sudden glee. "...Wait a minute, Fishbones, why is big blade lady sleeping here? You told me that we weren't allowed to sleep on the hallways and stuff! Were you lying to me, eh?!"

"O-of course not dear Jinxy." Nervously replies the insane Zaunite woman with a fake, intellectual tone of voice. "But Riven here seems to be in pain, how about we help our fellow colleague for a change of pace?"

"Meh."

"Come on Jinxy, what if she dies here and we can't shoot her or blow her up anymore? Won't that be a real tragedy?"

"Tragedy, fladgedy! Let's decide with rock, paper, scissors."

A few moments later

"Goat Dammit, Fishbones, how do you always beat me when you don't even have fingers!"

"You let me win because you fear that I am going to run away from you and abandon you otherwise. Which is honestly speaking utterly impossible by the way, because I am an inanimate object for one, and two bec-"

"Oh, s-shut up, Fishbones! No more late night documentaries for you! Now let's go help big blade lady."

"Certainly." Drawls the fake intellectual voice as light footsteps lazily approach the collapsed Noxian soldier.

Riven blinks owlishly as somebody starts poking at her cheek with their fingers, the pale swordswoman painfully lifts her face from the cool marble floor underneath her only to come face to face with the grinning visage of a female psychopath that's lying on the ground with her… making dust angels.

"Oh hey there, big blade lady! It's funny also meeting you here. Exaggerated heh heh as I try to look friendly and totally innocent and also friendly."

The Loose Cannon looks anything but innocent as the insane Zaunite girl keeps grinning on the floor like a damn lunatic and making dust angels. Some explosives and ammunition rolling out from Jinx's various pockets and leather ammunition hoops due to the Loose Cannons jerky movements scattering on the floor around Jinx and Riven.

"Now tell Doctor Jinx here what ails you since we are both floor buddies and all, so we can solve your boring problem and I can get back to annoying my Pilty besties."

Riven is suddenly subjected to a very vivid image of Jinx leading an army of giant wind-up toys into Piltover while the grinning psychopath is dressed as Santa Bard, and the pale swordswoman grimaces in pain before the image abruptly melts into a colorful explosion of fireworks.

"There is no reason for pouting, you know. Pow Pow thinks that I am a great doctor, and I have never lost a single patient so far... Some have died however. Medical complications and stuff, you wouldn't understand even if I explained them to you at this point. The path of science isn't for all of us, I am afraid."

Riven simply nods, being in too much pain at the current moment to make sense of the senseless logic of the infamous Loose Cannon.

"So what's wrong with you today patient 31?" Jinx tactfully breaks the ice like the trained professional that she is as the magenta-eyed lunatic seriously starts scribing something on a notebook that she has just stolen from Caitlyn.

"M-my head h-hurts when I am around others." Riven croaks.

Jinx blinks, the Zaunite Lunatic briefly stops munching on the end of her red crayon pencil in order to gaze intently at the groaning albino swordswoman.

"A strong aversion of crowds." Jinx loudly states as she deftly scribes down words and draws unhappy faces over Caitlyn's important case notes. She then spares another glance at a visibly peeved Riven that's trying to grab her from the floor and the red crayon mercilessly descends once more towards the open page

"Violent tendencies and unprecedented emergence of quick grasping motions." Jinx continues her calm assessment of the severe situation that she has in her hands as the absentminded Loose Cannon merely jumps away from the angry Noxian's low hand swipes. The insane Zaunite's tongue comically peeking out from one side of Jinx's mouth in immense concentration.

"Riven is probably suffering from the dreadful Vi Disease!" The blue-haired markswoman exaggeratedly gasps in terror as the sanguine crayon dances across the notebook's white pages. "It is truly regrettable, for even though I have managed to diagnose big blade lady's ailment in time, there is no known cure for the scientific mystery that is the Violent Pinktard Disease! Dear Fishbones, I shudder at the very thought of two Fat Hands chasing after me while I am trying to carry out my voluntary work… On the other hand that might be entertaining."

Jinx deftly hops away from Riven as the pained swordswoman attempts to grab at her ankles one last time, the incoherent nonsense of Jinx mixing with the steady stream of random thoughts that the Exile is receiving from other champions and adding to the scorching hot agony that's presently melting the Noxian deserter's brain.

"S-stop talking! The Summoners did something to me and now I can hear everyone's thoughts! Gahhh my head, my poor head is about to explode!"

Jinx suddenly pauses, her red crayon hovering over a drawing of herself ramming a stolen police helicopter into Vi's behind. Magenta-colored orbs curiously drifting back to the downed warrior with suddenly renewed interest.

"So can you see this, then?" The Loose Cannon asks. And Riven grits her teeth when she is abruptly assaulted by a vision of Jinx drinking tea with two stuffed lifelike dolls of Piltover's finest. The snow-haired swordswoman sharply nods her head as she attempts to lift her burning forehead from the ground.

"And this one too?"

The female Noxians forehead instantly slams back on the floor, a very unexpected depiction of Jinx, Caitlyn and Vi setting fire on Jayce's wedding cake painfully borrowing into her mind with the ease Rek'Sai plunges into one of her eerie underground tunnels.

"Y-yes!"

"Buuut what about this one, then?"

The image that flashes into Vi's mind shows a ladylike and suave Jinx dining in an upper-class Piltovian restaurant, her weapon, Fishbones forced into a miniature tux being seated opposite from the dangerous psychopath. Suddenly, without a warning at all, a small padded dark box finds itself sliding on top of the expensive tablecloth towards the shyly smiling Loose Cannon. Jinx appears to be eyeing it hesitantly before she gracefully accepts the box and opens it to reveal a golden wedding ring with a tiny bullet woven into its front instead of the more common precious gemstone.

"Fishbones, is that for me?!" The Zaunite gasps in surprise and joy.

Riven opts to headbutt the marble floor underneath her in order to dispel the whacky vision while her doctor proceeds to mutter something about ungrateful patients and Noxian rudeness.

"C-could you please find me a Summoner or a healer?" Riven pauses for a second to go over her last words "A healer that isn't Sona." The weakened warrior quickly clarifies with a cheek still pressed against the cold marble.

"But I'm here right now! You want to trade my vast medical expertise for the assistance of an alien magical goat or the, meh, spells of a striper that heals others with AOE fart-monsoons?! Unbelievable! Let's go Fishbones, it seems like we are not welcome here."

Jinx stomps away before Riven's eyes, her customized rocket launcher abandoned behind resting on the wall next to the speechless Noxian deserter. Riven is seething, she watches as Jinx's silhouette disappears at the turn of a corridor and then eyes the painted weapon next to her that's staring at her with blind, unseeing eyes.

"You should be ashamed of yourself big sword lady." A fake muffled voice mutters from the corner of the deceptively empty hallway. "Jinxy believed in you and you just had to let her down, didn't you?"

Riven just glares at the 'talking' inanimate object.

"Shame on you!" The altered voice of the insane Loose Cannon yells from the corner of the next corridor. "I say shame of you Noxian, I cant even bare to look at you right now." Fishbones abruptly turns away from the deadpan swordswoman due to a soft tug on the thin, almost invisible fishing line that's wrapped around the weapon's painted handle.

"I. Says. Shaaaaame on thee!" Jinx yells as she gives a stronger tug on the thin nylon cord and Fishbones is dragged a few more paces away from Riven. The weakened soldier remains silent.

"Shame on youuuuu!" Jinx keeps bellowing in a deep voice while pulling on the transparent fishing cord and the painted rocket launcher skids uncontrollably across the dusty marble floor until it manages to reach the markswoman's hidden position.

"Hmmmp!"

A pale tattooed arm hurriedly seizes the dirty gun and pulls it out of Riven's line of sight. The albino swordswoman sighs as Riven tiredly closes her eyes, trying to regain her composure. The face of Fishbones then shyly peeks out from behind the wall, two pale hands comically moving its jaws like the mouth of a normal puppet.

"You know, I can still convince Doctor Jinx to come back if you have changed your mind..." The Loose Cannon offers.

Riven grumbles as she wraps her hands around her poor hurting head, and a sole excited magenta-colored eye suddenly peeks out from behind Fishbones. The weapon's mechanical jaws clanking open twice and then thrice only to close once more as the giddy Loose Canon grins victoriously from behind her deadly modified rocket launcher.

"Is that a 'maybe' I am hearing?" Jinx quips and Riven merely groans.