The Sheriff of Piltover offers the station's receptionist a fleeting smile before walking out of the nearly deserted waiting room. One of Caitlyn's arms rising as the cunning brunette policewoman attempts to rub the sleep away from her eyes whilst exiting the slumbering building. Neon lights and flickering advertisements inevitably welcome Caitlyn back in the busy nightlife of Piltover as the workaholic Sheriff purposefully moves towards the distant alleyway that Caitlyn had chosen to park her car in.
The Sheriff of Piltover ought to be cautious about where she chooses to leave her hex-mobile after all, lest her rambunctious partner discovers her police cruise again and decides to take the vehicle for another disastrous joyride. And poor Caitlyn was still sending apology letters to traumatized civilians after Vi's last driving adventure…
The exhausted brunette scowls as she pushes those very distracting thoughts out of her aching brain while simultaneously fumbling in her handbag for her car keys upon approaching the specific dark alleyway where she had parked her cruise. The Sheriff couldn't wait for that horrible day to end. She was utterly exhausted. Caitlyn had spent the last 48 hours trying to solve the case of a missing Zaunite serial killer that had seemingly disappeared from both cities of Zaun and Piltover, and slipped under the police's radar for good this time.
"May I have your attention, please?" A squeaky voice suddenly whispers from the darkness of the gloomy alleyway. Caitlyn raises a curious eyebrow before putting the hex-mobile keys back in her handbag and then turning towards the mysterious source of the sound.
"May I have your attention, please?" The weird high-pitched voice squeaks once more and Caitlyn finds herself moving deeper into the eerie dark alleyway while inwardly cursing the absence of illuminating neon advertisements in that rundown part of the city.
"Will the real Swift Scout please stand up?" The voice asks as Caitlyn silently takes hold of her trusty rifle and makes sure that it is loaded.
"I repeat will the real Swift Scout please stand up?" The insistent voice wonders aloud in the insidious dark.
Caitlyn slowly steps forward while pointing her rifle at the looming darkness, the Sheriff's brown orbs narrowed as the brunette woman moves closer to the unseen speaker. Perhaps Caitlyn's caution was unwarranted, her paranoia for naught. Maybe the high-pitched voice was nothing more than a kid playing with a tinkered voice modifier. Perhaps pointing the barrel of her riffle between the little troublemaker's terrified eyes would make Caitlyn feel like utter trash for days. But Caitlyn was the Sheriff of Piltover, and this could easily be a trap, thus the collected brunette policewoman should approach the unidentified individual with caution.
"We're going to have a problem here." The unseen speaker loudly deducts resulting in the policewoman's eyes to narrow even further if such thing was even possible.
*Duun!* A blindingly bright spotlight abruptly shines its white artificial light across the previously dark alleyway, chasing away the inky black shadows whilst illuminating the coppery silhouette of a grinning short furry man… And the dead bleeding woman that rests on the pavement right behind the killer. The barrel of the Sherriff's riffle jolts upwards in a fraction of a moment even if Caitlyn's eyes keep blinking rapidly, desperately trying to recover from the blinding intensity of the radiant spotlight. The furry man smirks.
"You are acting like you've never seen another yordle before."
"Stabbing a whore, eating her doomed soul."
Teemo pauses.
"Licking the blood off a knife while kicking the dead doll."
"Hey, cop lady! Aren't you gonna make the call?"
Caitlyn merely blinks, completely stunned by the sudden appearance of a murderous furry midget eviscerating people right next to her parked police cruise for her to outright shoot the damn singing lunatic. Meanwhile Teemo proceeds to point at two other corpses that had apparently been dumped near the edge of the flaring spotlight.
"They first were divorced, throwing her over furniture." The Swift Scout helpfully informs a rather speechless Caitlyn.
"It's the return of the... Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,
He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"
The insane yordle's closed eyelids unexpectedly wrinkle in genuine astonishment and exaggerated fake fear.
"And Dr. Mundo said... nothing, you idiots!
Dr. Mundo's dead, he's locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)"
Caitlyn can't help but take a step back at that? This… this unhinged bizarre creature she had never seen or heard of before, had just confessed killing her missing Zaunite serial killer.
"Valoran women love yordle men."
"Swift Scout, I'm fond of him."
"Look at him, lurking around grabbing his HUGE blowgun."
"Flipping the Pilty police." "Yeah, but he's so dreamy though!"
The strange furry creature seemingly muses out aloud.
"Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose."
"But no worse, than what's going on in your parents' bedroom!"
"W-what?" Caitlyn somehow manages to choke out, the young Sheriff's initially pale face quickly adopting an incredulous expression of utter disgust. "You've got no right to talk that way about my par-" But Teemo blatantly ignores her.
"Sometimes, I wanna get on Hex-TV and let a mean one loose, but can't!
But it's cool for Kennen and Shen to start playing blues."
The armed yordle exclaims in jealous outrage.
"My mushroom is on your hips, my mushroom is on your hips" "And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little pinch." Teemo then starts screaming whilst frantically humping on Caitlyn's leg with his eyelids still closed. The unnerved Sheriff makes a loud sound of disgust before attempting to peel the crazy yordle off her limb while quietly muttering obscenities.
"And that's the chat log that we deliver to a marksman that feeds"
"And expect them not to know what a proper lane freeze is."
"Get off me!" Caitlyn yells as she starts hitting the rapping yordle with the butt of her modified rifle eliciting whiny pained yelps from the miniature furry murderer.
"Agh! Agh! Of course they gonna know what -aargh! LCS is!"
"By the time they hit the fucking bot lane."
"They got the League News app, don't they?"
"We ain't nothing but champions.. Well, some of us are also freaken' edgelords,"
"Who cut other people open like cantaloupes *Slurp." Teemo proceeds to lick Caitlyn's lower thigh suggestively while perched on her leg before receiving another devastating blow from the now loudly cursing Sheriff.
"But if we can hump Marai gals and Targon' blokes."
"Then there's no reason that a yordle dude and a cute Sheriff like you can't elope!"
"Ewww!" The brunette woman utters in audible disgust while attempting to wrestle the crazy yordle off her leg by tugging at its pointy fluffy ears.
"But if you feel like I feel, I got the -Arrrgh! Stop hitting me! I've got the antidote!"
"Women wave your panties, dolls! Bros sing the chorus and it goes!"
"Cause, I'm the Swift Scout, yes, I am the real Swift-"
"Hey! Get your paws off my woman you furry freak!" A very peeved pink-haired enforcer suddenly bellows in pure outrage while charging towards Teemo. And the rapping yordle minutely pauses before it starts muttering 'Until I Collapse' with helpless tears slowly surfacing in his closed terrified eyes.
Disclaimer: I don't own Eminem's song, Slim Shady and neither do I make any profit out of using it in this humorous? fanfiction. All the rights for the original lyrics and the song belong to their rightful owners. Eminem if you are reading this... Please don't sue me! Also please voice Teemo in any League upcoming movies and make an 8 Lane movie.