Summary: Ezreal is taking a stroll in the institute's hallways oblivious to the presence of a possible stalker(s). But justice always finds a way to right wrongs and beat both unkillable tanks and sexism. A humorous over-the-top oneshot.
It was an impossibly cold winter night. A night so frigid, so terrible, so utterly freezing and pitch-black that even Lissandra, the Ice Witch of Freljord would ponder finding a blanket and sleeping next to the lit fireplace tonight. The wind was hollering, yelling hasagi against the cloudless night sky. The night sky would smash the mute button and proceed to write their report in response. The bizarre and wondrous residents of the Institute of War were currently asleep or passing their precious sparse free time by clasping their pillows against their chest and trying to fight off depression.
Nobody wanted to spend their lifetime dying and respawning indefinitely for reasons they couldn't even remember anymore, after all. Nobody except from Dr. Mundo that was a fucking masochist that is, or Karthus that thought of dying as simply a hobby.
And yet, even in this dark cold winter night a hooded figure can be seen loitering around aimlessly inside the Institute's abandoned hallways. That mysterious stranger's name was Ezreal and he had managed to get himself lost… yet again.
"Who needs a map?" The young blonde-haired thrill seeker keeps murmuring whilst gritting his teeth in apparent annoyance. Ezreal's footsteps echoing like the frantic pings of a desperate top laner in the relevant silence of the empty torchlit corridors of the Institute. And Ezreal is so distracted by the relentless yelling of hasagi against the windows that he doesn't notice the other mysterious figure that's been quietly following him for the last five minutes or so. Neither does he notice the irritating sound of clinking glass that's coming from the direction of his uber-stealthy pursuer.
It isn't long before the lost blonde-haired explorer's luck change, however, and Ezreal finds another person roaming alone in the eerie abandoned corridors of the great building. The Prodigal Explorer puts a small pleasant smile on his lips as he hastily approaches Riven, the Exile.
"Hey there, Riv! I'm kind of lost. Could you please show me the direction to the nearest museum?" Ezreal greets Riven.
The exiled Noxian warrior instantly freezes in her tracks when Ezreal calls out her name.
"Socializing! Human contact! My angst is fading! Gotta escape right now!" Screams Riven is sheer terror and just like that with a frightened dash and a hop and another two jumps and then another dash and a wall flash out of the third-floor window, the mighty Exile quickly disappears. And a vibrant red splatter appears instead on the pavement outside…
"Reported!" Screams the furious wind that's blowing over the Exile's motionless body.
"Noxians, I hate those guys.." Ezreal mutters as he wipes the kind smile from his face now that there isn't a pretty woman around him to impress. Ez then spits on the ground where Riven previously stood for good measure. The Prodigal Explorer then scratches his head and decides to keep wandering around aimlessly.
"Who needs a map?" The handsome blonde mid laner grumbles to himself while stepping into another seemingly deserted hallway.
"Kukukuku." Singed laughs maliciously from his hiding place a few paces behind the oblivious blonde marksman. "That's right, Riven. Run! Ezzy is mine you foolish harlot!"
"Not so fast you vile, evil, unfashionable man!" Pop star Ahri abruptly exclaims from somewhere next to the Zaunite alchemist. "Ezreal is going to be my boyfriend and there is nothing you can do to change that!"
Singed's eyes narrow dangerously upon hearing that determined statement coming from the Nine-Tailed fox that isn't a ninja yet, just a mage.
"Oh, it's on!" The mad Zaunite snarls in complete outrage and in one quick motion Singed grabs the giant poison bottle from his back by the neck and shatters it against the wall before pointing it threateningly at Ahri. "Fight me, Naruto!"
The fox Vastayan hisses at him and creates her fancy chakra ball that totally isn't a chakra ball because Ahri isn't a stolen character. Ahri then adopts a fighting stance much like a boxer and slowly extends a balled fist towards the angry Mad Chemist.
"Do you see this fist?! Oi, I say, do you see THIS fist, you unfashionable stinking plebe?!" The Nine-Tailed Fox furiously screams at the furious furry-hater. Singed just growls at her, but shakes his head in affirmation. That's when the cunning vixen from Ionian socks Singed in the eye with one of her seven tails.
"Ow! What the fuck, you bitch?!" Singed yells in pain and surprise as he clutches at the right side of his face and attempts to blink away the blurriness of his tears. That's when Ahri's second tail-swing catches the Mad Chemist in the groin. And as we all know, you need to have some big stones (or nether lips) to play Singed in the current meta… Needless to say the Mad Chemist instantly collapses on the ground nursing his genitals while howling in pure agony.
"What's happening here!" Both Lux and Garen loudly question in alarm as they burst out of a nearby plot hole. The Lady of Luminosity is dressed in her Star Guardian costume while Garen is masqueraded as a giant bush. The two siblings' eyes widen in shock when they witness Ahri in a fighting stance and Singed whimpering on the ground while clutching his bruised gems.
"I… I.. Well, the answer is really simple you see! Singed and I… We were just…" Ahri struggles to come up with an excuse only for Luxanna and Garen to abruptly gasp in apparent horror.
"Singed is a filthy male whereas Ahri is a woman, so Singed must have attacked Ahri first in this dark spooky corridor and Ahri was then forced to defend herself!" The blonde light mage mutters aloud as if in thought.
Almost instantly Garen nods his head in agreement. "I don't want to risk appearing sexist, and my popularity to experienced League players is already down in the dumps so I'm just going to agree with you on that one, Sister!" The Huge juggernaut reveals, eliciting an innocent and proud smile from his younger blonde sibling.
"That is probably the case anyways," Luxanna practically beams at her older brother " So let's beat up this sexist, human trash without trying to find out more about the current situation!" The two Demacian siblings then proceed to beat up Singed in front of a very shocked and confused Ahri.
"Take that, you filthy pig! That's for trying to sexually assault my slutty friend!" Screams the angry Lady of Luminosity while bashing the sobbing Mad Chemist's head in with the help of her trusty light baton.
"Being sexist is wrong, Demacia!" Agrees Garen while kicking Singed in the ribs.
"This is for possibly stalking women in the dark, and that's for just being bald and creepy!" Luxanna's light baton keeps descending upon the unfortunate Zaunite man.
"This is for having more depth in your short lore than the extensive bios of my entire royal house!" Garen keeps kicking poor Singed, before the Demacian soldier pauses, takes out his sword and then proceeds to beat the crying Zaunite chemist with the flat side of his enormous blade.
"You psycho, you baldy, you animal. I'm pretty sure your momma never loved you!" Screams Lux.
"Your kit is also more entertaining than my own so I am going to break your bones!" Promises Garen.
"I just don't like your face, and I haven't even seen it yet because you always cover it with bandages and torn rags! Ahh! That makes me sooo angry! Juuustice suplex!" Exclaims the childishly pouting light mage.
"PLEASE STOP!" Finally screams Ahri as the previously stunned Nine-Tailed Fox dashes to Singed's side unable to remain silent after witnessing the two Demacians' brutal assault against the Mad Chemist. "Singed is an innocent, even though he was behind the chemical bombardment attacks in Ionia that claimed thousands of lives! He isn't a sexist or a misogynistic pig! He is just a psychopathic madman!"
Garen and Lux freeze on the spot after hearing Ahri's heartfelt confession. Luxanna's gaze moves down to Singed that's barely breathing on the floor, the light mage's once pristine magical baton now stained with blood, tears and the Zaunite man's urine. Nearly simultaneously, Garen's stare also wanders towards the wheezing form of his dying foe. The Might of Demacia's arms around Singed's throat loosen letting the wounded Zaunite scientist choke out a few droplets of warm crimson liquid.
"W-why?" Singed all but whispers before passing out and both Demacian siblings avert their eyes in shame only for their sorrowful gazes to stumble upon a deathly pale, horrified Ahri.
"Garen, we unprovokingly attacked an innocent mass murderer today." Lux states solemnly as the blonde light mage's hard glare is now aimed solely at the black-haired Vastayan. "This villainous woman deceived us in order to avoid justice!"
The giant of a man merely nods once more, his colossal bloodied blade still dripping with the Mad Chemist's blood vengeful pointing towards the accused vixen.
"How dare she, Sister! It is our sacred duty as Demacian paragons of hope and virt- JUSTICE! To punish the damned deceiving fox for her crimes!"
Luxanna smiles at that, gore-coated light baton also turned towards the stunned Vastayan seductress. "Yes, big brother!" The still smiling Lady of Luminosity lowly whispers as she unleashes a barrage of magic at the fleeing Nine-Tailed Fox. "Let's be the heroes of Valoran once more and punish the hideous villain!"
The three champions then proceed to run away from the cold corpse of Singed, chasing each other into the frigid night.
Meanwhile hovering over Singed, Kalista pauses, spares a quick glance at the dead alchemist's mutilated corpse and then shrugs before walking away. Some support-slaves were not worth saving after all.
Somewhere in the background Ezreal is still searching for the Mess Hall to have breakfast while singing a familiar tune.
"Legends never dieee.."
Notes: The only one that truly believes fully in equality is Kled because he hates everyone equally.