Tags: Cassiopeia, Gangplank, Comedy.
Beta reader: Gmp1000
The scurvy sea dog's expression darkens as the ragged malnourished excuse for a sailor all but shoves his old cracked spyglass into his left empty eye socket and then draws in a rickety, odorous breath through his mouth before his tanned face turns into a fearful grimace.
"There is no land on sight for miles me Cap'tan! Thy heavens themselves are shrouded in dark like the rotted guts of the ship's rats! We 'val doomed fer' certain!" The raspy sea dog yells in genuine horror, and Gangplank swears aloud before the notorious Scrounge of Bilgewater whacks the foul-breathed pirate on the head with his bare knuckles.
"Yar staring at the spyglass through your missing eye, you brainless skunk! Swap the telescope and tell me what you see 'fore I ran you through with me sword like a swine!"
The moronic sailor goes deathly pale when he hears those terrifying words. His fingers fumbling with the old spyglass until he places its smaller fogged lens against his functional bloodshot grey eye.
"Land ahoy! Land on sight! Land on sight straight ahead, me Cap'tan! Tis a beauty it is, a small town ready fer the takin'" Yells the scarred toothless sailor.
Gangplank nods his head once. He then whips out his trusty pistol and shoots the unlucky man in the chest. The one-eyed pirate goes down without a sound, he merely collapses with his bony arms clenching his bleeding chest and a pitiful exhale of stale air.
"Ready yarselves you worthless sea dogs, load the cannons and pull up the flag! Tis a fine day for pillaging you gutless sea monkeys!" Shouts the greedy captain.
The rest of the crew rushes to obey Gangplank's orders. Not even a single man blinking or showing surprise at the swift execution of their now deceased crewmate. The bundle of weathered fierce pirates climbs over the rails and raises the flag, an utterly disturbing tune narrating their cruel captain's inhumane acts of naval crime and plundering peeling off the dry throats of Gangplank's merry band of thieves and soulless murderers.
...
"The Dead Pool's on the horizon! The Dead Pool's on the horizon!" The terrified cries of the scattering townsfolk spread the dreadful news of Gangplank's imminent arrival as the helpless civilians either bar their doors or grab their valuables and flee the town with haste. How far would those hysterical deserters that were protectively clutching their silver candlesticks and jewelry boxes against their chests get before they were spotted by the pirate crew was better left unsaid, since there wasn't enough island for those poor souls to hide from the fury of Gangplank.
"The Dead Pool's on the horizon! The Dead Pool's on the horizon." The fleeing masses scream. The church's bell is still ringing adding its mournful sound to the horrendous scene. Priests palm their preying beads, drunkards stumble away from the port in confusion with unsteady and uncertain, swaying strides.
And then Gangplank's ship boards the small fishing town, the ravenous pirates are unleashed on the streets like a bunch of laughing hyenas. Gunshots and screaming shroud the towns port, the clanking of steel echoes behind shut window shutters, the scent of gunpowder and blood engulfs the fishermen's residence. Finally the church's bell suddenly stills, the flames of the burning island dancing orange on the rim of the giant metal pear.
A few minutes later the Pirate Lord's ship abandons the town, and like the ghosts of drown sailors strolling below the waves, one by one the remaining survivors of the destroyed fishing town crawl out of their hiding spots and stare at the blackened husks of their former dreams and ruined properties.
...
Gangplank can't help but huff as he examines the loot that his crew of murderers has dropped in front of his feet. An abundance of coins, iron, copper and silver are splayed on the deck like a thick blanket. Chandeliers, silverware and golden teeth, the occasional breathtaking statue carved from wood or semiprecious stone, the macabre shine of a bloodied wedding ring can also be found here and there. All in all, today's spoils were disheartening to say the least, but then again, Gangplank reminds himself that he only pillaged a small fishing town on the shore of a pathetic isle and not an overpopulated settlement near the mainland.
With a venomous last glance at the treasures that are spilt over the deck boards, Gangplank kicks a few coins away from his feet and turns around to head to his cabin. The sailors would know to give him the best of the loot, they would also know to give him half of their own share as well, or risk losing their lives.
"Cap'tan!" A pirate's voice abruptly makes the Scourge of Bilgewater pause. "There's a lass on the deck that wants to have a word with ya!"
Gangplank furrows his eyebrows. What kind of maddened landlubber would have the guts to seek him out amidst a pillaging? What kind of lightbrained shriveling scum would dare make a deal with him for their life? Now the infamous pirate captain was intrigued.
"Lead me to her." The black-hearted pirate grunts at the burly rugged man and the crew member rushes to comply with an 'Aye, Aye Cap'tan!'
Navigating between the canons, the masts and the excited scattered pockets of greedy sailors that are combing their remaining shares of the loot with dirty fingers and impatient stares, Gangplank and the burly rugged sea dog reach a place near the ship's bow where sailors seem to form a suffocating arc around the unexpected intruded. The admittedly imposing mass of bloodthirsty thieve and pirates may be obscuring the wench's form from the pirate's gaze, the stunned silence of the crew however does nothing to choke out the woman's aggravatingly condescending tone.
"Another sssstep back if you pleasssse, how do you expect me to wait here for your bosssss when your odor issss making me naussseousss?"
To Gangplank's immense displeasure and surprise his crew members actually do take a step back from the haughty wench.
"And offer me a drink at the very leassst. Won't your captain get angry if I curl up and die from dehydration? I do sssuppose that I am already feeling a little faint..."
Now closer to the source of the disturbance and after pushing his way towards the infuriating female sea-witch, Gangplank watches a short bearded pirate lift his flask and offer it at the cursed redheaded woman.
Instead of simply accepting the offered drink and be done with it Cassiopeia's face instantly scrunches up in distaste.
"You actually expect me to drink from thisss filthy thing?! When wasss the lassst time that you wassshed this flasssk?! You could have asss well told me to drink sssewer water!"
The Serpent' Embrace then notices the thunderous visage of the Pirate King and the troubled expression worn on the face of his burly anxious escort.
"I've brought my soup... s-oup.. brought my soup, ma'am." The nervous pirate blurts out at the cursed Noxian blueblood.
"Not sssoup, ssssuperior." Cassiopeia corrects the unnerved man with a long disappointed sigh. "You've brought me your sssuperior as in, your employer. Tell it with me, ssssuperior."
The scarred man takes a deep breath. "Sssouparior."
"Ssssuperior." Cassiopeia slowly mouths the word again.
"Ssssoupxerior." Answers the sailor, spittle flying out from his mouth due to his missing teeth.
"Sssssssssuperior." The redhead hisses like an angry snake, venom watering her lips this time.
"Ssssoup-eeeri-"
*Bang! Gangplank shoots the man dead and then stomps his way to the Noxian seductress. The cursed diplomat eyes the dying man on the floorboards and then crosses her arms over her chest with an unamused expression marring her face.
"He almosssst got it right at lassst." The lamia drawls as Gangplank stops in front of the glaring redhead.
"You no teach Gr-arrrr-mmer to me boys, ye foul wench!" The pirate king howls angrily enunciating the 'r' with an even mightier growl. "We salty dogs and sea scum don't need your fancy voc-arrrr-bulary on this fine vessel!"
Cassiopeia opens her mouth to reply.
"Arrrrr." The Scourge of Bilgewater adds in at the last possible second cutting the Noxian aristocrat off, making the serpentine seductress' left eye twitch dangerously and her peeved frown to darken.
"Grammar and pronuncccciation are necccessary partss of our language and sssshouldn't be disssmissssed whenever we pleassssse." The captured noblewoman hisses at the glaring pirate lord. "And why are you ssspeaking like thisss? Are you perhapsss mocking me?" Cassiopeia hisses.
"Arrrr? Mocking you?! You arrrr the one making fun of me! Keep doing this and you will be w-arrr-lking the plank, you vile wench! Yer'll be feeding the fish ye treacherous land-snake!"
Tap, tap, tap, the scaly tip of Cassiopeia's serpentine tail begins rapping on the deck's wooden boards while the seething lamia glares daggers at the cruel pirate lord.
"Asss if I have anything to fear from a ssssavage like you! And who are you calling a sssnake you incompetent bearded ape! What part of me specifically lookssss like a ssssnake, are you blind?!"
"Arrr! Bearded ape ye say!? Take that back, arrr! Or you will be dining in Davey Jones locker!"
"Isss that a dinner invitation or one of your hollow threatssss!? Becaussse I don't think that you're a man enough to entertain courting me, a Noxian heiresss and noblewoman." The cunning lamia smiles challengingly.
"Arrrr! Fine then, have at you!" The red-faced Pirate King loudly bellows in a fit of pure rage. "We be dining at nine, cutlass-sharp! Arrr!" Gangplank spits with contempt as he stomps away from the heaving lamia. He also shoots another sailor in the leg as he departs for good measure, the unlucky man collapsing on the deck with a startled scream as the Pirate King passes him by.
Cassiopeia scoffs at the gruesome spectacle of the injured man trying to stem his bleeding.
"Men…" The aggravated seductress mutters towards the direction that her newest date had disappeared. The Serpent's Embrace then turns towards the crowd of murderous scum fidgeting about sparing her fleeting glances.
"Now which one of you fine gentlemen will be leading me to my cabin?" The Noxian diplomat cocks an eyebrow at the assortment of nervous crooks. One of the pirates reluctantly steps forward and Cassiopeia tosses him her briefcase without a second glance.
"Thank you. Please, help me carry these to my room." The cursed seductress then eyes the rest of Gankplank's gawking crew members. " Also... one of you be a dear and go fetch me a bottle of Ionian mineral water." Cassiopeia instructs in a commanding tone. "I don't have any preferences on the brand." The haughty lamia grudgingly adds when the confused crew members fail to move and obey her simple order.
With an exasperated sigh Cassiopeia suddenly grabs the pistol of her escort and shoots once in the air. The hardened killers and battle-scarred veterans making up the Pirate King's crew hurriedly dash under the deck trying to appease the wrath of their captain's new date.
Cassiopeia merely rolls her eyes as she returns the pistol to her deathly pale escort and then refined and elegantly as always slithers away, following the frightened criminal's nervous footsteps.
Writer's note: I just wanted to play with pirate accents.