Hi guys, Calborghete here, how are you all?
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So now without further ado, enjoy your reading.
"Dialogues"
- Thoughts -
"Radio Talk"
"Self talk."
Liability Note:
Evangelion, its characters and setting are the property of Hideaki Anno. Any brands, movies and series mentioned in this Fanfic are the property of their creators.
(*)
Chapter 05 - Give it a Chance.
A disturbing silence prevailed in the dark apartment, Shinji was looking at Kaji with his gun pointing firmly at the man's head, keeping his gaze firmly on the person he had judged to be dead.
Kaji sat back in the chair he was in, looking Shinji in the eye at all times, swallowing a little saliva as he saw that he was in a jam, but he didn't want to try his luck.
"What's up kid? How's it going to be?" Kaji asked calmly as he put his arms down on the chair, maintaining a cool posture at all times.
Shinji was feeling the whole situation weighing on his body, his mind was telling him to do something, but his rational part telling him to put the gun down and listen.
"I don't know, you tell me?" Shinji asked strongly as he looked Kaji in the eye, approaching a door, taking a quick glance to check if Kaji was alone.
Giving a small laugh at seeing Shinji struggling to keep sight of two places at once, Kaji decided to start talking.
"Shinji ... I am not a threat." Kaji spoke quietly as he saw Shinji's change in posture.
"I don't believe you." Shinji retorted in a strong voice and trying not to show emotion, turning his gaze to Kaji who was still sitting motionless.
"How did you find me?" Shinji growled, keeping his gun pointed at all times.
"How I found you doesn't matter, the most important thing is that we need to talk." Kaji spoke as he shifted his posture a bit, putting a little strength in his voice to seek Shinji's full attention.
"What do you want?" Shinji asked apprehensively.
"First put that gun down." Kaji spoke as he pointed his finger at Shinji's Beretta.
With a wry, fake laugh, Shinji looked with a bit of shock at Kaji. "And why should I?"
"That's a test of trust, I'm not going to give you information like that, we're not in an interrogation." Kaji spoke seriously as he looked Shinji in the eye. "You can trust me Shinji, don't you remember the fish tank?"
Feeling his anxiety rising, Shinji lowered his gaze to the ground for a few seconds, pondering the idea of letting his guard down.
Remembering his last meeting with Kaji, how he had been taken to a marine life preservation aquarium, watching the earth adjust after the events of the second impact, how they were slowly recovering from near extinction.
- How I contributed to destroying all of this. - Shinji thought downcast at how he had stood in the way of the world's recovery and his strong contribution to making it impossible.
Soon came the memories of the lunch he and his friends shared, how he had prepared almost every kind of food, knowing that Rei had enjoyed his vegetable soup, finally receiving a compliment from Asuka and his conversation with Kaji, making him promise to take care of Misato, a promise he was unable to keep.
With a tired, haggard sigh, Shinji slowly lowered his gun, taking a random draw, raising his gaze again to Kaji. "What do you want?"
Kaji gave a small smile knowing that Shinji was not the person he was trying to appear to be, there were still remnants of the boy he had met fifteen years ago.
Seeing Shinji slowly walk over to one of the chairs that were available, with a tired sigh, Shinji sat down, keeping his head down all the while as his mind was inflated with images of his biggest mistake.
Seeing the haggard state of Shinji in front of him, Kaji was watching him closely, knowing that his move to force him to remember the old days had been a low blow, but he had to get the man in front of him back on track somehow.
"How are you doing kid?" Kaji asked with his calm tone of voice, trying his best to convey the image that he was not a threat, that he was there for the simple purpose of knowing his health.
Shinji looked up and stared Kaji in the eye, all the while maintaining a downcast posture, something he was managing very well to hide these days.
"How do you think?" Shinji asked wryly, with a fake smile on his face.
"I want to help you Shinji." Kaji began to speak, all the while maintaining his strategy of keeping the atmosphere as good as possible, knowing full well how Shinji was acting these months he had been on the run.
"Help me?" Shinji retorted laughing, knowing what Kaji was talking about. "Let me take a guess ... You want me to stop and turn myself in at a WILLE outpost?"
Kaji didn't answer, only stared at Shinji's face with a serious look, knowing that this would not be an easy task.
"Maybe."
Again a silence prevailed in the small room, only the sound of Kaji and Shinji's breathing could be heard.
Mute his lips, the man with the ill-fitting beard began to speak again. "You know that is not the right way to try to clear your name."
Shinji visibly changed his posture, this was a subject he did not like to comment on.
"Plan E."
"That's not for redemption." Shinji retorted as he intensified his gaze on Kaji, keeping his tone of voice calm the whole time.
Kaji frowned slightly, trying all the while to understand Shinji's reasoning. "It's because then? "
Shinji gave a long sigh, knowing he couldn't open up completely, but he could give Kaji some of his mind.
Kaji was in no hurry, he finally managed to make contact with Shinji and was getting him to open up a little, with a reflex movement and putting his hand inside his shirt, Kaji was in search of his pack of cigarettes.
Seeing Kaji's hand slide into his jacket, Shinji again reached for his gun in one swift motion watching Kaji stand paralyzed in place.
"What do you have there?" Shinji asked apprehensively.
"Easy kid." Kaji spoke as he pulled out the bundle with his hand and with his other hand showing that he wasn't trying anything, trying his best not to look like a threat.
Seeing the pack of cigarettes in Kaji's hand, Shinji again returned to his more relaxed posture, but keeping his gun close to his hand at all times.
"You still haven't answered me." Kaji spoke as he lit a cigarette and took a drag, looking at Shinji as he let out a cloud of smoke. "Why?"
Leaving his world and returning to the event in front of him, remembering the question asked earlier by Kaji, searching all the time for the answer in his mind.
"Because it's the right thing." Shinji replied confidently.
"What do you mean?" Kaji retorted as he sat down more comfortably, he knew Shinji wasn't going to do anything to him, taking the cigarette to his mouth once again.
"I know my redemption is impossible." Shinji spoke as he locked his gaze on the small table in front of him with a long sigh. "I know those people won't be trapped."
Kaji was only watching Shinji saying his reasons, agreeing in parts, but decided to let him finish before he started talking.
"But when WILLE lets them go, and they will." Shinji spoke with a small smile on his face, but it was not a genuine smile. "That won't be my fault, at least I'll go to the grave with a clear conscience on that part."
Slowly nodding his head, Kaji took another drag on his cigarette slowly releasing the smoke. "I agree in parts."
"What do you mean?" Shinji asked confused.
"That's getting you points boy." Kaji spoke as he dropped the ashes on the floor of the old house. "Or do you think WILLE doesn't know it's you?".
Shinji lowered his gaze momentarily to Kaji's idea of WILLE, feeling the weight of his words slowly sink into his body.
Smiling internally at the knowledge that his words were having the desired effect, he decided to increase the intensity of his words. "Even Katsuragi knows."
Shinji gave a tired, haggard sigh, having remembered the way Misato had been staring at him in his awakening, how she had treated him after his return to Wunder, after she had ruined any chance of reconciliation he had with her.
"Brat."
"You can die I wouldn't even care."
"You just fuck up."
"From now on, you will do nothing more."
"Murderer."
Feeling the anger beginning to consume him inside, Shinji began to feel his hands becoming restless.
Kaji was waiting for an answer, seeing that mentioning Misato's name had visibly affected him.
"So what, it's not like we're great friends." Shinji replied in a cold, rough voice, getting up from his chair and walking over to the window.
Kaji was watching everything closely, knowing that Shinji's behavior was unstable, seeking to think through his words carefully lest he had crossed a dangerous line. "Do you really think so?"
Shinji was watching the starry sky, knowing where Kaji's words were coming from, turning around and looking the man in the eye, Shinji was making a great effort not to take it out on Kaji. "What I think doesn't matter."
Kaji decided to light another cigarette, looking at Shinji's back, seeing the boy was stiff as a rock, Kaji knew very well that this subject was a dangerous path, but he had to force Shinji out of this cycle of self-destruction.
"It does matter." Kaji spoke as he stood up. "She still cares about you."
"Hahaha." Shinji began to laugh, with a hysterical and completely fake laugh. "Are you listening to yourself?"
Kaji kept his gaze serious at all times. "Hello Shinji."
Shinji clenched his hands so hard that the joints of his fingers cracked, again having his mind flooded by memories and glances. "Then you are wrong."
"Why?" Kaji spoke as he leaned on the door frame.
With a neat movement, Shinji turned and faced Kaji in the eyes, having a strong intensity in his gaze, having his barriers broken down and giving himself the freedom to speak, to release some of the accumulated energy. "Did you see what they did to me?"
Kaji lowered his gaze as he remembered, he knew of the treatment Shinji had received when he was removed from the Unit 01 entrance plug, Kaji himself recognized that this had been wrong.
Shinji seeing Kaji's look, feeling the adrenaline flowing and the anger growing with each moment, he continued. "You may not remember, but I do!. "
"I didn't know anything that was going on, I just wanted to know if I had managed to save Rei! " Shinji shouted, feeling his mind cracking as he had to remember these things. "She didn't tell me anything, she treated me like dirt!.. "
Kaji was just listening, knowing that this must have affected Shinji in ways he couldn't imagine, he just listened.
"She didn't say anything to me, she just stared at me like he did." Shinji spoke strongly as he got the mental image of Misato and his father. "She didn't bother to tell me how things were going ... She put a bomb choker on me as if I were a monster! "
"Did you try to understand?" Kaji asked keeping his voice calm.
"Understand?" Shinji retorted shocked, but deep down he remembered all the days in prison from dwelling on those days.
"Yes." Kaji replied calmly. "Would you have understood?"
"Yes, I'm not saying I'm the right one in the story, because clearly I'm not, was running away from Wunder a mistake? Yes, but they should have told me that Rei was a clone! " Shinji exploded as he yelled at Kaji.
"If they had told me this before I would never have left, they were more concerned with amusing themselves by seeing me guilty in my misery." Shinji spoke angrily as he remembered the looks.
Kaji was only observing everything, but he had to open Shinji's mind. "But do you understand how dangerous it is?"
Shinji raised his gaze to Kaji, keeping his posture strong at all times. "Yes, I understand!"
Kaji nodded as he saw the look on Shinji's face, but he had a question in mind. "Since you have that in mind, why do you put yourself at risk of being captured by NERV again?"
Shinji began to gasp heavily, he knew this could happen, but he already had a plan for if it did, he would never let himself be taken by his father again, keeping his gaze on Kaji.
"I will not be used by him." Shinji replied in a strong voice. "Even if I have to blow my brains out, death is one thing I'm not afraid of."
Kaji stared at him with his serious gaze, not flinching for anything, but deep down he was worried about this revelation.
"Shinji, you don't have to get to that level." Kaji spoke up to lighten the mood.
Shinji had already felt his body calm down, but he was still agitated, looking Kaji again in the eyes he spoke calmly. "But Kaji, how can I? ... Nothing I do will change, I will forever be a murderer, a monster."
Kaji looked at him with pity, knowing that Shinji's situation was very delicate, but before he could say anything else, Shinji continued.
"I don't hate them Kaji." Shinji spoke dejectedly, this piqued Kaji's interest. "Quite the opposite."
"Then why don't you give it a chance?" Kaji spoke seriously as he adjusted himself in the small room.
"It's not that easy." Shinji spoke as he sat back in his chair. "The feeling is not reciprocated."
"How do you know it's not?" Kaji retorted trying to change Shinji's view.
"You weren't there." Shinji spoke somberly, remembering Asuka's words, the look on Misato's face, and everyone else's. "If only you had been listening to her, Asuka, and everyone else around."
"Tempt me." Kaji spoke as he sat down, lighting another cigarette again.
"Have you ever heard that your death would not be felt? That nobody cared? " Shinji spoke as he faced his gun, looking at every detail of its structure. "Of people important to you?"
"Already." Kaji replied as he remembered his branch of life, knowing what it felt like to hear those words.
"I heard that from Asuka." Shinji as he felt his eyes burning, but he was doing a good job containing his tears. "'You could die and I wouldn't even care,' those were Asuka's words."
Kaji knew about Asuka's temper and knew that this would be cruel to listen to, but he knew that Asuka said things that should not be taken seriously, she said a lot of things in her time of anger.
"'From now on you won't do anything else,' those were Misato's, before locking me in a cell completely isolated, with only a mirror on the ceiling to reflect the sunlight." Shinji spoke as he closed his eyes to hold back the tears.
"Can you imagine what it's like to be treated like that by the most important people in your life?" Shinji spoke as he raised his gaze and faced Kaji, seeing that he did not respond. "To know that they have abandoned you? That you are nothing more than a monster, a murderer? "
"You must be thinking that times are tough, that they don't think that way, but that's the truth." Shinji spoke somberly. "They don't care, nobody cares if I live or die.
"I care." Kaji spoke dejectedly, knowing that Shinji was carrying a huge burden on his shoulders.
"He doesn't care." Shinji spoke with conviction, watching Kaji's gaze turn shocked. "You're only here to convince me to go back to that prison cell, which I'm not going to do."
With a downcast sigh, Kaji spoke. "Kid, people care about you, especially Misato and Asuka." He saw that Shinji was listening to him at all times. "They just don't know how to deal with you."
Shaking his head shyly, Shinji retorted, keeping his voice calm at all times. "If they care as much as you said, why didn't they ever get in touch? I mofiated for two years in prison, two damn years ... Praying that they would at least talk to me, if only for Asuka to cuss me out, but you know what I got? Nothing."
Shinji stopped his speech to take a breath, but at all times kept his gaze firmly on Kaji. "They don't care." Improving his posture, Shinji continued. "Do you know what my time in prison was like? I'll tell you ... For the first six months I was broken, because I had lost everything, some people recognized me." Shinji paused as he remembered those times, closing his eyes as he recalled.
"Do you know how many beatings I got? All because of WILLE and his 'security', I kept waiting for justice to come, but it never came, after I realized I had been thrown away like garbage I started to fight back, because nothing else mattered."
An unsettling silence echoed through the old apartment, Kaji didn't know what Shinji had been through in prison, listening to this had shocked him, as he only had reports of 'inappropriate behavior'. Knowing it was going to be difficult, trying at all costs to think of the right words to try and change this view of Shinji.
"Then don't give me that they care, because it's not true." Shinji spoke, raising the pitch of his voice with each word he uttered. "And if by some chance someday, by some miracle I end up next to them again, it won't be because one of them wants me next to them again, but for some idiotic reason, just getting ready to throw me away like they all did, they've abandoned me several times."
"What do you mean?" Kaji asked, already knowing Shinji's answers.
"Where do we start? Aye, they dumped me in space for fourteen years, locked me in Wunder's deepest basement, and left me moldering in prison." Shinji replied angrily, but managed to keep his voice under control. "You know how it is? They didn't pick me up, they picked up unit 01, I was a bonus, they finally had their terrorist back, just to bring some smile to their crew, they had some entertainment, 'watch Shinji Ikari, the greatest monster of all suffer'."
Kaji looked down at the ground. "If Misato didn't care about you, he would have killed you on your escape from Wunder and on your return, have you ever stopped to think that your isolation was for your own safety? "
"My safety?" Shinji asked wryly. "I bet she wanted to see me suffer, like everyone else inside that ship."
"Aren't you being unfair? "Kaji asked, trying to keep his voice controlled. "You expected what? A fourth? You had almost caused the fourth impact, of course the crew wanted you dead."
Shinji felt Kaji's words hit him hard, knowing he was right, he didn't deserve any special treatment. "She should have killed me, if Misato cared that much, death was better than what they did. "
"Are you listening to the shit you talk?" Kaji retorted as he began to lose patience, remembering one thing, taking a breath to calm himself down enough. "Really you would be right now if it wasn't for her."
Shinji looked at him in confusion, listening to those words carefully, feeling her turning his mind around. "What do you mean?"
Kaji frowned, she hoped Shinji knew that it was Misato who had convinced the judge not to give him the death penalty as he wished. "Nothing."
Shinji only stared at Kaji with a confused look, but soon tried to return to his cold stance, "You know how I wish I could have fought by her side all these years, but this will never come back, I will always be her enemy, this is my punishment."
Kaji just stared at him, he already knew of the WILLE council's plans to make a deal with him, they needed an EVA pilot and with Unit 01 only working with Shinji.
"I know you think they hate you, want to see you suffer and all, but I know Katsuragi well, she may keep that cold posture, but deep down and the same woman." Kaji was speaking, looking Shinji in the eyes all the time. "Don't forget that she survived two impacts and has been in this fight for fourteen years, a lot has happened."
"I know, I'm not taking that away from her, a lot of shit happened ... Because of me." Shinji spoke keeping his tone somber. "You guys think it wasn't hard for me? To have your life destroyed in the blink of an eye, one minute you're trying to save one person and the next you find out you've killed billions of people."
"The third impact was not your fault." Kaji spoke as he took a long drag.
"It may not have been directly, but I was there." Shinji replied. "My life is one big bad joke."
Kaji was silent, not knowing what else to say to Shinji, he could only hope that his words might have helped in some way, but his thoughts were soon broken as Shinji began to cough lightly.
"Everything okay?" Kaji asked with concern in his voice watching Shinji stand up, lean on the doorframe and lean forward as he coughed violently.
Getting up and trying to approach, Shinji quickly raised his hand to stop him. "I ... I'm ... Fine." Shinji spoke between coughs.
Kaji knew that he was far from well, seeing the marks from all his fights and onslaughts in this personal war of his against SEELE and knew that this cough was from being exposed to red dirt for too long, but he knew that his words would not convince Shinji to seek help, Kaji could only hope that it was not too late.
- Boy, what did WILLE do to you? - Kaji thought dejectedly as he saw Shinji recovering from his coughing fit, remembering the image of that shy boy who couldn't look anyone in the eye.
Finally getting control of himself, Shinji stood up and could face Kaji again, who was getting his things ready to leave, promptly putting on his oxygen mask for the period he would be exposed to the red earth, walking to the door and turning to meet Shinji's eyes.
"Kaji." Shinji called out, speaking without and turning around. "How is Rei? How is my sister?"
With a smile on his face, Kaji replied. "She's fine, she's at Wunder, Ritsuko's personal assistant."
Seeing only Shinji nod, Kaji spoke to his back. "Kid, if you end up meeting Misato or any of the old timers, please, as a personal favor give it a chance." Kaji spoke as he put his original smile on his face and walked to the exit, leaving Shinji alone again in the apartment.
"One chance." Shinji whispered as he thought of Kaji's words, closing his eyes and visualizing the image of Misato, Asuka and Rei in his mind.
"Asuka." Shinji whispered as he closed his eyes and put his hand to his face.
(*)
Wunder.
"What do you mean I have to go?" Asuka's voice was heard by the bridge crew standing outside Misato's office.
Giving a tired sigh, Misato raises her head and faces Asuka's bored figure.
"Yes, you will!. " Misato spoke strongly, she was not in the patience to deal with Asuka's bouts of moodiness.
"And why me? Why not one of those useless people you have in this toilet?!" Asuka retorted as she gestured with her hands. "That's a job for some useless crew member, not an elite pilot like me! "
Taking a breath to calm herself, Misato sat back in her chair. "Listen Asuka, I want you to do this, just coordinate the collection of supplies from WILLE's base."
With a snort, Asuka crossed her arms over her chest, shaking her head at the thought of being used for an inferior task, her posture was still rigid about being used for any function other than piloting the EVA.
"Princess." Mari called out as she leaned on the corner of the door, keeping a gentle smile on her face she began to speak. "With your EVA being repaired, going out will be good for you."
"Like hell. " Asuka growled at Mari who was laughing in the doorway. "I'm not a resource repository!..."
"Asuka." Misato spoke from her desk. "Mari is right, it will be good for you."
Mari opened her smile, clearly maintaining her victory posture, watching Asuka turn and face her former guardian with a shocked look on her face, seeing that Asuka was still silent, the purple haired woman continued. "You have to do something."
"What do you mean?" Asuka asked starting to get worried.
Taking a look at Asuka's tired posture, Misato could see that her condition was delicate. "How much have you been sleeping?"
Asuka shook her head slightly as she listened to Misato's question, knowing that her nights sleep was poor and had gotten even worse with Shinji's escape, Asuka denied that she was strongly concerned about him.
"Enough." Asuka spoke as she tried to put on her arrogant, firm stance as she crossed her arms over her chest again.
"Of course not." Misato spoke with her cool posture that she had cultivated in the post-third impact years.
"I'm fine!" Asuka spoke strongly as she gestured with her hands her body, trying to symbolize that nothing was wrong.
"Enough! " Misato spoke strongly. "Look at you."
Asuka at this point looked down trying to find something wrong with her form.
"Princess, it's obvious you're not." Mari finally spoke as she walked out the door and approached Asuka. "Your hair is lacking the shine it always had, you're thinner, and you have horrible dark circles under your eyes." Mari concluded as she pointed out Asuka's features.
"What's going on Asuka? Is it the contamination?" Misato asked with concern in her voice, but deep down she knew that it must be Shinji who must be the cause.
"Nothing is happening! " Asuka spoke hoping to get Mari and Misato to stop worrying about her, Asuka never liked feeling dependent on anyone.
"So what is it?" Misato asked, having returned to her more natural posture, something she didn't do very often, she only used that tone with a few people.
"It's nothing!. " Asuka growled again.
"Is that the puppy?" Mari asked with a feline smile on her face as she remembered pretending to sleep when she heard Asuka wake up in the early morning hours, clearly remembering her gasping heavily as she called Shinji's name.
Asuka at this moment lowered her gaze as she remembered the dream she had had in the early hours of the morning, how Shinji was running away wounded with several people behind him and when he was reached, he had been brutally killed while screaming for help, especially hers, and there was nothing she could do about it.
Shaking her head to clear the memories of this nightmare from her head, the annoyed redhead soon did what she did best at times like this.
"You know, I don't have to listen to this shit, I'm going to get ready for this stupid mission." Asuka spoke as she gestured again with her hands, turning to leave the room. "Get out of the way four eyes."
Mari stepped to the side to clear the way, watching Asuka pass by without looking back, making a fake face at Asuka's back, again turning her gaze to Misato who had gone back to checking some documents.
"Anything?" Mari asked Misato, watching her posture change and give a tired, haggard sigh, she only received her answer with a nod, which said a "No."
Assenting to the answer, soon Mari turned and left Misato's room, knowing clearly the way she should go.
Again alone in her living room, Misato rubbed her face with the palms of her hand and gave a tired sigh. "Shinji, where are you?"
At this moment, a beep on the computer screen caught Misato's attention, seeing that it was a signal from WILLE's command.
"What do they want?" Misato asked to no one as she adjusted herself in her chair, she didn't want to have to deal with WILLE now, with a weak press of the buttons on her keyboard, Misato opened the call.
"Oh, you." Misato spoke with disgust and annoyance when Kaji's image appeared.
"Hi Katsuragi, how are you?" Kaji spoke smiling, maintaining the same nonchalant posture as always.
"What do you want?" Misato retorted annoyed, she had no head to deal with Kaji's litany.
"I want to know how you are doing?" Kaji asked as he maintained his arrogant posture.
With a tired sigh, Misato shook her head and soon began to speak. "Busy, unlike you who have a lot of free time."
Kaji widened his smile, knowing that his information would soon arouse Misato's attention, but he knew he could play with his passion a little. "Wow, you hurt my heart that way."
Misato closed her eyes and lowered her head, she could feel the ironic and false meaning Kaji was giving her, with a long breath to calm herself down. "Look Kaji, I don't have time..."
"OK ... OK ... Is the transmission secure?" Kaji asked as he completely changed his posture, becoming serious as he said his last words, to which had been noticed by Misato who was soon curious to know why.
"What happened?" Misato asked confused as she noticed Kaji's change in posture.
"Is the room secure?" Kaji repeated his question like a robot, holding his gaze at all times.
Looking around her living room, Misato soon realized that she was alone. "Yes."
Misato watched Kaji type some commands into his computer, watching the screen flicker for a few moments, feeling confused for not understanding what was happening.
"Now yes." Kaji replied as he smiled, he had activated a program that should give him the proper privacy he wanted.
"What's all this Kaji?" Misato asked as she crossed her arms over her chest.
"What I have to talk about is one person if you know what I mean." Kaji spoke as he gestured the last part with his eyebrows.
Misato's change in posture had been clearly visible to Kaji's eyes, having piqued her interest in any news about Shinji.
"What do you know?"
"I know he doesn't look well." Kaji replied as he looked at his desk, remembering the encounter he had with Shinji.
"Kaji!" Misato spoke annoyed as she contained her anger, knowing that from Kaji's answers he probably knew more than he appeared.
"Do you know about Shinji?"
Kaji watched Misato stare at him with great intensity, already knowing that this would not be easy, he himself could tell that he was still uncertain about how Misato might behave with regard to Shinji.
"Listen Katsuragi." Kaji began to speak as he adjusted his posture in his chair, putting his hands together on the table. "I met with him a few days ago."
Misato's eyes widened, feeling her breathing increase at the thought. "How!?"
"It wasn't easy and with WILLE's help." Kaji spoke as he returned his gaze and grew thoughtful.
Misato grimaced upon hearing that WILLE was involved. "WILLE? But..."
"They know that Shinji is going on his 'vengeful journey', and they are letting him do the dirty work." Kaji replied keeping his voice steady, but deep down he wasn't liking WILLE's attitude.
"Oh my god." Misato spoke as she brought her hand to her face, she knew WILLE had her dirty secrets, but using Shinji like this was something that made her disgusted, but soon her mind brought back a phrase from Kaji, something about Shinji not being well. "How is he? How is Shinji Kaji?"
Kaji lowered his gaze, he didn't know how he was going to say this to Misato, remembering Shinji's condition, feeling his body become downcast at the memory. "Well, as far as possible."
Misato stared at him, knowing he was probably lying, with a sigh she returned to her rigid posture. "You are lying."
Kaji only stared at her and realized that she had not believed her, knowing full well Misato's skills in body reading. "He is far from well, physically and psychologically."
Seeing Misato's stance weaken, he continued. "I talked to him about his extremist ideas and everything."
Misato's heart broke as she remembered the reports from the prison where Shinji stayed, remembering his words about being abandoned and how it upset her. "What did he say?" Misato asked keeping her voice cold, but Kaji could tell.
Knowing that the words were cruel and difficult, Kaji pondered carefully. "He talked about how it didn't matter if he lived or died, that nothing else mattered, that he was doing it because he knew no one would care."
"Shinji." Misato spoke dejectedly as she leaned forward, feeling the sadness beginning to increase dramatically, controlling herself as best she could, Misato spoke as she adjusted herself in her chair. "Where was he?"
Kaji realized this and felt sorry for Misato, but knew she deserved to know. "He was in northern Italy."
Misato quickly looked at Wunder's position, going to the South of France, it wouldn't be much effort and time for them to get to Italy, knowing that Shinji would probably no longer be in his refuge, but something in her mind was telling her to try.
"Asuka will coordinate supplies at WILLE's base in Toulouse province, after that we will leave for Italy." Misato spoke as she sat down with a cool posture.
"Katsuragi, he looks very different." Kaji spoke as he noticed Misato's enthusiasm, he was happy inside, but he didn't want to give her too much hope. "He's not that down and shy boy anymore."
Misato looked at him hard. "I have to get it back, we can't let NERV get their hands on it again." Misato spoke strongly, using the old excuse to justify her actions.
"Besides, I ... I have to try." Misato spoke in her most downcast voice, knowing that he probably felt abandoned with everything that had happened.
Kaji only watched Misato's face, moistening his lips he spoke again. "Katsuragi, he's feeling lonely, abandoned, and hated." Kaji watched Misato's face crumble, knowing that it affected her. "But deep down, he cares about you, but he doesn't think the feeling is reciprocated after everything that's happened."
Misato felt her eyes burning, fighting hard to hold back the tears, but one managed to escape. - How can he care about me after all I've done?" Thought the Wunder commander.
Kaji watched everything, he wished he could be beside her to console her, wipe the tears from her beautiful face and tell her that everything would be all right, but distance was the problem.
"Listen Katsuragi, I'm going to say the same thing I said to Shinji." Kaji spoke seriously to the face of Misato who was watching everything intently. "When you two meet again, give it a chance."
Misato felt those words sink in, knowing that Shinji must be very different, but deep down she wished she could do something about it, at least make things reasonable again.
"I'll try Kaji." Misato spoke dejectedly, she only received a final nod from Kaji before he ended the broadcast.
Again in the silence of her office, with only the sound of Wunder's engines propelling the great ship, Misato lowered her gaze and closed her eyes, feeling more tears streaming down her face.
"Shinji-Kun, would you give me another chance?" Misato whispered to no one as she watched a drop fall on her desk.
"No, you don't deserve it." Her mind attacked, her guilt for abandoning Shinji was flaying her alive.
"But I want to try." Misato retorted, remembering Kaji's words about Shinji still caring about her.
"To fail? Just as you failed to be her guardian?" Misato's conscience screamed in her head.
"I can't just sit back and watch him destroy himself like this, I'll find him and we'll talk." Misato thought in determination as she knew she still had a small hope of being able to reconcile with Shinji.
"You know this is a little girl's dream, fall into the real world, we are not in a movie or anime, you know you are not friends." Misato guilt spoke arrogantly, knowing that it would affect her.
"But I will try, I have to try." Misato thought determinedly.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
Wiping the tears from her face and putting her glasses back on to hide her red eyes, Misato adjusted herself at her desk.
"Come in."
"We are already in position ma'am." Hyuga spoke as he opened the door.
"Well, is Asuka ready yet?" Misato asked strongly, again returning to his cold posture.
"Yes, it's already in the cargo hall waiting for orders." Hyuga replied professionally.
(*)
"Crap." Asuka growled as she adjusted herself on the VTOL seat.
"Princess." Mari spoke as she helped Asuka put her heavy backpack into the cargo compartment. "It'll be nice, get some air and who knows, maybe eat something decent at the checkpoint."
Asuka only huffed, she wasn't in the mood to coordinate one of the several caravans of supplies that Wunder was receiving as they approached the WILLE checkpoint.
"You know they serve the same disgusting paste." Asuka as she turned and faced a dozen other Wunder crew members who were going to the Toulouse base for supplies. "And why isn't Wunder going to the base?"
"You know we can't, Wunder is too big." Mari spoke as she poked Asuka's shoulder. "And it draws too much attention, we could be attacked by SEELE sympathizers."
"Well, send one of your pilots who might get attacked by those lunatics, great plan." Asuka retorted as she sat down, knowing that the VTOL trip would take approximately thirty to forty minutes.
"A VTOL doesn't draw attention, we don't have the personnel or equipment to do a guard and the intelligence says it's going to be safe." Mari said looking at all the equipment that would be carried on the cargo VTOL.
"Intelligence, as in Paris?" Asuka growled as she remembered that they were not supposed to be attacked in the Paris onslaught.
"Well." Mari spoke clumsily as she remembered the battle. "You can't get them all right."
Asuka only snorted in frustration.
After a few seconds of waiting, Mari decided to speak, removing her calm and nonchalant posture. "Asuka."
Lifting her gaze to Mari, Asuka knew that she only used her name to speak seriously. "What?"
"Be very careful out there." Mari spoke as she pulled Asuka into a tight hug.
Asuka was uncomfortable with the physical contact, she still didn't like to show affection, but she knew Mari cared about her, soon the redhead found herself returning the hug. "I will."
Breaking the embrace, Asuka spoke as she entered the VTOL that was starting her engines. "It doesn't destroy the room."
"Of course I will." Mari spoke with a smile as she saw Asuka enter the VTOL and soon the doors closed, watching the bird take off and begin to walk away, Mari gave a worried sigh, something in the back of her mind told her that things were not going to be easy.
- I hope I'm wrong, please be wrong. - Mari thought with concern.
Author's Notes: Hello Calborghete folks here, how are you? So chapter five is over, it took longer than usual. As always be sure to follow and save it to your favorites so you don't miss any future updates.
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