Chapter 12 – A Game of Clones
Xev and Yoda slowly crawled through undergrowth up to the edge of the clearing. It was still raining steadily. Visible were two clones guarding the shuttle.
"I counted eight when they first landed," whispered Xev. "Six are dead, so just those two are left."
"No," whispered Yoda. "Inside there is another. The pilot."
Xev silently cursed. "What now?"
"Distract the guards I will. The distraction…" Yoda pointed "… will come from there. Can you get inside the shuttle?"
"Yes," murmured Xev. "Hang on." She carefully turned over onto her back, untied the loincloth holding the comm unit and pulled it out from under her. She replaced the comm unit with the friend/foe identifier and wound the loincloth cord around her hand, so that the device would be held tight. She turned back over again. "Ready."
"Triggering the distraction now," said Yoda. He reached out with his mind, found his speeder bike, and Force-pushed the start button.
"Troopers to the rescue, HURRAH!"
The two clones instantly turned and began to advance cautiously in the direction of the sound, blasters out, their backs momentarily turned. "When this is over, you're going to have to tell me what that is," whispered Xev. She leaped up and began a cluster lizard roll, zooming across the field for the hatch.
Dagger had his scanner out looking for movement in the direction of the shout, wondering if Imperial troopers may have landed nearby. It would be just like them to show up and spoil a contract, he thought. He was momentarily puzzled when the scanner picked up movement all right, but it was from behind, moving rapidly towards the transport. He whipped back around and caught sight of something resembling a large wheel rolling. How did that thing get through the perimeter? He started to raise his blaster, but there was a second problem – something arching through the air directly towards him. The hairs rose on the back of his neck when he realized he was seeing a Jedi with an active light saber. Dagger managed to get off one shot, which the Jedi deflected back in his direction, hitting his partner whose back was still turned, focused on the shout from the woods. Then the Jedi was upon him swinging his light saber. Dagger tried to get off one more shot and found he was holding half a blaster, the front half falling to the ground. An instant later his arm, still holding the back half of the blaster, was falling to the ground as well. Dagger was too shocked to understand the death blow when it came.
Xev reached the transport and soundlessly climbed in the hatch. As she moved forward she unwound her loincloth cord. She could hear the pilot. "Tango-2 to Base, come in…. Tango-2 to Base, come in…. What's that smell?" He started to turn just as Xev looped the cord over his head and around his neck. She pulled back, but not before he managed to get his right hand fingers between cord and neck. Xev pulled back as hard as she could, cord cutting deeply into his fingers as they were crushed into his windpipe. His left hand flailed back attempting to stop Xev, but his fingers found no grip on her slick, wet muddy body. The pilot's legs kicked hard into the console in front of him two or three times, until he was finally quite still. Xev held for a few seconds longer, then fell back, breathing hard, heart racing. In spite of having killed two other clones earlier by snapping their necks, she was having trouble believing what she had just done to the pilot. His death had a much more personal feel – a victory rush that both thrilled her, and simultaneously horrified her that she would feel thrilled about it.
Still keyed up, when Xev heard a slight sound behind her, she was instantly on her feet ready to fight. Yoda hoped up into the hatch and began rummaging through the equipment in the back of the transport. Xev took a deep breath and tried to calm her nerves. "What are you looking for?" she asked, curious in spite of everything else.
"Ah, this is it," said Yoda, holding up a hand-held device. "Planted self-burying mines, they did. Very dangerous. Destroy all this, we must. Come, come."
With that, Yoda hopped out of the hatch and headed for the forest, Xev following close behind. At the edge of the clearing, he turned and began to manipulate the control. As he did so, Xev noticed a series of spots arrayed in a wide circle around the transport where the ground appeared to be shifting and moving. After a couple of minutes, Yoda announced, "Finished, this is. Turned the mines around, I have. Ready?"
"Oh yes!" said Xev, excitedly clasping her hands together. Yoda pressed the manual detonate button, and all of the land mines in the clearing exploded inwards simultaneously. Xev felt a flash of heat across her entire body and her muddy hair briefly blew back in the shock wave. When the dust and smoke cleared, there was very little left of the clone shuttle. Even the original, damaged moth was gone as well.
"That," said Yoda with satisfaction, "is how you clear a mine field." But Yoda's satisfaction was short-lived as he felt a sudden ripple in the Force, as if everything around him had cried out. His odd dream of dead younglings from weeks ago rushed back to the fore. "No!" he said, staggering slightly.
Xev, not immediately noticing Yoda's distress, had a sudden urge to look up into the rainy sky. "I wonder what's happening on the Lexx?"
On board the Lexx, things occurred in rapid succession on the bridge. As Hammer finished giving his order to destroy Dagobah, Kai stepped onto the bridge from behind, and without hesitation fired his brace at the vulnerable point between Hammer's helmet and shoulders, nearly severing his head. In a flash of light, the key to the Lexx returned to Stanley. As the brace looped back on its return trip, it hit Arm's helmet, shattering it but otherwise not harming Arm as he rolled to the floor and brought up his blaster, taking aim at Kai. Arm opened fire, hitting Kai with several rapid blasts. Arm was shocked when there seemed to no change – Kai simply stood there. As he automatically glanced down at the blaster to check its setting, Kai fired his brace again, punching through Arm's forehead.
Stanley jumped over Hammer's body and up onto the pilot platform, desperately waving his hand through the holoprint. "CANCEL! CANCEL! CANCEL!" he shouted. "Lexx? Do NOT target Dagobah! Do you hear me? Do NOT target Dagobah!"
"Who is 'Ship,' Stanley?" asked the Lexx.
"What?" asked Stanley, looking both relieved and confused.
"My previous captain asked someone named 'Ship' to target and destroy Dagobah, but I do not know who 'Ship' is. I was going to ask who he meant, but he is no longer my captain. You are my captain now, Stanley."
"Never mind, Lexx. It doesn't matter now." Stanley sat down hard on the pilot stand.
"Hurray for dumb bugs!" said 790, relieved Xev was not in immediate danger.
"Kai!" said Stanley. "I thought you were dead!"
"Yes, I am dead," agreed Kai.
"You know what I mean! I thought you were like, dead for real back there. As in, no longer functioning."
"I was not. There were too many armed soldiers to take on at once. You would have been killed if I tried. So I provoked their leader into shooting me, and 'played dead.' Once you were taken away, I had a free hand to act. The three soldiers left guarding the landing bay and their shuttle are now dead, plus these two." Kai pointed to Hammer and Arm. "There are still four more soldiers unaccounted for searching the Lexx in pairs."
"Well they can't be left wandering around," said Stanley. "They need to be stopped!"
"I suggest we use Tweedle as bait," piped up 790.
"Ha, ha! Very funny," replied Stanley sarcastically.
"Stan?" asked the Lexx. "I am picking up a transmission from the planet below. Do you want to hear it?"
"Yes Lexx – put it on," said Stanley, worried about who it might be.
"Lexx? Hello? This is Xev. Is anyone there?" Xev pulled the comm away from her ear as she heard the loud sound of both Stanley and 790 cheering.
"Xev my precious love muffin! Did those bad people hurt you in any way?" 790 wanted to know. "Because it they did," he growled. "I'll have words with them!"
"Yeah, me too!" piped in Stanley.
"Boys! Boys! It's okay. Yoda and I have already had an exchange of words with our visitors," Xev replied over the comm. "Let's just say they are at peace now." She looked over at the still smoldering clearing and shrugged. "Some in more pieces than others."
"That's my gal!" exclaimed 790. "But you're sure you're not hurt?" he asked anxiously.
"Well, I did get a scratch here and there," replied Xev. She looked down at her still muddy body. "And a bit of dirt under my nails. Nothing that can't be fixed with a hot shower. But enough about me. How are you guys?"
"Oh, we're fine," replied Stanley. "But there are still four more of these guys out somewhere in the Lexx. They just can't believe we're the only crew."
"Oh no! Tracking them down could take weeks!" exclaimed Xev, thinking about their recent hunt for dead cluster lizards.
"That's why I suggested using Stanley as bait," replied 790 rather starchily.
"Actually, that's not a bad idea," said Xev thoughtfully.
"I'm not volunteering to be bait!" declared Stanley.
"No, I mean the idea of bait," replied Xev. "Get them to come to us. It doesn't have to be you specifically. Whatever might motivate them. Didn't you say they're searching for more crew members?"
"Specifically, they're searching for you Xev. They think you're up here hiding somewhere, and we didn't have the heart to correct that assumption," Stanley said with a grin.
"Maybe we can use that," said Xev.
"Clear!" declared one of the clones for the umpteenth time after checking yet another empty room off yet another corridor. "This ship is both empty and endless."
"This ship is big enough to hide thousands," responded the second clone.
"Listen!" declared the first clone. They could both hear a soft pinging sound gradually getting louder. From around a curve they saw a small platform about the size of a "mouse" droid rolling down the hall, carrying what appeared to be a droid head. "Stop right there!" ordered the clone, and to emphasis the order he fired two blaster shots aimed just ahead of the object, leaving scorched marks on the floor. "Do not approach any closer or I will blow you to pieces!"
The object stopped. "I am called 790," it announced. "I have been ordered by my new captain to assist in the search and capture of all remaining crew members."
"I'll have to verify that," declared the first clone suspiciously, and motioned to the second clone to cover him. He tried his comm unit, but got no response.
"This ship is designed to block foreign comm transmissions," 790 explained smoothly. "If you want confirmation, you will need to walk to the bridge. That's where you'll find the captain."
The two clones hesitated. They didn't want to disobey orders and stop searching, but they also weren't going to accept any claim from 790 without confirmation, and with communications down that meant possibly interrupting their search to seek out their captain.
"If I might make a suggestion," 790 said in a neutral tone. "Up ahead is a junction and a corridor you haven't searched yet. If you turn left, that will take you back in the direction of the bridge. Once you are close enough, your communications should be reestablished. You can get your verification and any new orders."
"All right," said the first clone. "But you are to stay at least ten meters away from us. Approach any closer, and I will open fire and destroy you. This will be your only warning."
"Touchy," 790 muttered under his breath. "May I inquire as to why you want me to maintain a distance?" he said out loud.
"You could be carrying a personnel bomb," replied the clone.
"I have no desire to self-destruct!" exclaimed 790 with dignity.
"Your desires are irrelevant. You could still be carrying a bomb."
There was no point arguing with them. "Very well, I'll lead the way. When we reach the junction, which way shall I turn? Left towards the bridge, or to the right?"
"Turn right."
"You got it." 790 turned around and rolled off down the corridor, maintaining his distance. When he reached the junction, he obediently turned right, went ten meters down the corridor and stopped to wait for the clones. When the clones arrived at the junction, one reset his blaster to low power and used it to burn an arrow in the floor pointing back in the direction they came. Then they turned left heading for the bridge and away from 790. "Sneaky bastards," 790 muttered. He turned around and began to follow the clones at an even greater distance than before.
"What do you think you're doing?" demanded the first clone, aiming his blaster at 790.
"My orders are to provide assistance," replied 790. "I can't do that if I stay behind."
"And you will provide assistance, after we have confirmation. Until then, you are to stay here. If I catch you following us again I will shoot you on sight. Is that understood?"
"Understood." 790 turned back around again and headed away from the clones until he was out of sight. He opened a channel to the bridge. "I've got two 'visitors' searching back in the direction of the bridge. They were too suspicious to allow me to accompany them, but I estimate they should arrive at the cryochamber in about ten minutes, and the bridge maybe fifteen or so minutes after that. They have also been using their weapons to burn trail marks on the floor."
Stanley laughed. "That won't last long. The Lexx will heal up in a few minutes."
"Well duh!" said 790, rolling its eyes. "But they don't know that, and I'm not about to tell them."
"Good," replied Kai. "Can you track down our other two visitors?"
790 gave a snort. "Well of course! I'm heading for the other pair now." 790 broke the comm link and headed off in the opposite direction from the two clones he sent to the bridge.
Meanwhile, the clones continued cautiously down the corridor. At least the strange droid head on a rolling platform had stopped trying to tag along. After checking out a couple of empty rooms, they came to a larger room containing what appeared to be man-sized transparent coffins canted back a few degrees from bolt upright.
"What do you think?" said the first clone.
"I don't know…. It reminds me of a carbon freezing facility, although I've never seen anything quite like this," replied the second clone.
"No, I mean, do we destroy this equipment, or leave it intact?" asked the first clone.
"If the Captain has control of this ship, then we should leave it intact," responded the second clone. "This technology could be profitable."
"Agreed. Let's move on," said the first clone. They left the chamber and continued down the corridor. After another minute, they came to a T-intersection, with side corridor branching off to their left. On the floor was a freshly burned arrow pointing down the side corridor.
"Do you remember searching this side corridor?" asked the first clone.
"Not specifically, but these corridors all look alike to me," replied the second clone. "It could have been the other team." The clone paused to burn second arrow on the floor, this one pointing down the corridor they had just explored. "Let's move on. We should be getting close to the bridge." Together, the two clones continued down the main corridor.
Stanley and Kai stepped out of the shadows in the side corridor, both armed with blasters taken from Hammer and Arm. "Whew, I was sure they were going to follow that arrow you burned in the floor," said Stanley.
"No," replied Kai. "As I've explained, the arrows point to already explored corridors, or back the way they came. Come on." Both Kai and Stanley entered the main corridor walking quickly and quietly. They soon had the two clones in sight, sneaking up behind them.
As they closed the gap, Stanley suddenly sneezed, the sound loud in the quiet. Both clones froze in their tracks and started to turn around. "Oh shit!" Stanley said. He closed his eyes and squeezed the trigger on the blaster. The blaster erupted into full auto as Stanley moved it back and forth, sending a barrage of bolts mostly down the hall.
"Stanley! Cease fire!" yelled Kai over the noise of the blaster.
Stanley released the trigger and opened his eyes. There were scorch marks all over the floor, walls, and ceiling. Most importantly, the two clones lay prone on the floor, smoke curling up from their bodies from multiple hits. "Hey! I got them!" exclaimed Stanley. Then Stanley noticed a small red indicator blinking on his blaster. "Any idea what that means?"
"I expect it means you have exhausted the power supply in that weapon, which is why you should avoid shooting in full automatic mode," replied Kai. "Here, you can have mine." Stanley tossed his exhausted blaster aside and took the one offered by Kai.
"Do you think we should go look for those other two visitors?" asked Stanley, emboldened by his success.
"I think we should stick to the plan, and give 790 time to track down the last two visitors," replied Kai. "We should return to the bridge."
"All right," said Stanley. He gestured at the bodies as they stepped past. "These weapons aren't too bad, but a blackpack would have disintegrated them. Less chance for discovery before the Lexx recycles the bodies."
"There is a blackpack on board the Lexx," replied Kai as they walked on. "But it is lost somewhere in the pit below the bridge. We don't have time to look for it. These weapons will have to do."
"Chopper to Hammer, come in." Chopper tapped his comm unit and tried again. "Chopper to Hammer, come in." Chopper sighed. "This thing is useless," he complained to his companion. He pulled off his helmet, hung it on a utility hook on his belt and shifted it behind him. "That's better."
"Sir, our orders are to remain fully suited up," his companion reminded him.
"Captain Hammer isn't here, now is he?" shot back Chopper. "That's the difference between a grunt clone and an officer grade. You just let me do the thinking, got it?" Chopper heard a faint pinging sound coming from behind them, getting louder. He whirled around, blaster ready. "Do you hear that?"
"Hear what sir?"
"The sound your helmet is blocking. Turn around. Something is coming up from behind. Follow my lead."
From around a curve in the corridor came an odd sight – a droid head riding on a small carrier. Chopper found the sight amusing. "Now I've seen everything," he muttered. "Hold it right there!" he called out.
The droid head came to an immediate stop. "I am called 790," it said. "I have been ordered by my new captain to provide assistance in your search for remaining members of the old crew."
"Is that right?" replied Chopper as he pulled out his scanner. He ran it up and down on the droid head. "Okay, you may approach."
"What?" asked a surprised 790. "No concerns I might be carrying a bomb or something?"
"No, I'm not concerned. I just scanned you, and I know you're clean. You say the captain sent you? Now who might that be?"
"The captain of the Lexx – this ship. Whoever holds the key to the Lexx is captain, and I am programed to follow the orders of the captain."
"And what is the name of your captain?" replied Chopper.
"I'm sorry, I did not ask at the time, and the new captain did not tell me his name. One of the men who came to this ship has the key now. I was simply ordered to provide assistance. But speaking of which, what's your name, if I may ask?"
"I go by Chopper. Hmm. That does sound like our captain." Chopper paused in thought. "Say, this key. Would it look like a bright blob of light moving from one person to another?"
"Yes, exactly! Whoever has the key controls the ship, and its service robots like myself."
"And how does one acquire this key, exactly?" asked Chopper with slightly narrowed eyes.
"Essentially, the key will transfer to another living person in moments of extreme stress. Typically this means if the captain is on the verge of death or threat of death, but it can also transfer at the height of particularly intense sexual ecstasy."
"Well, I think we can rule out sex," replied Chopper, mostly to himself with a look of amusement in his eyes. "But I think we should confirm your story about being sent to help. Don't you agree?" The last question was directed to his companion, who simply nodded his agreement.
"But the problem is," Chopper continued, "I've already tried contacting our captain without success."
"Yes," replied 790. "That would be because the Lexx is designed to suppress foreign comm systems. I'm afraid you'll need to be in close proximity to the bridge in order to reestablish communications."
"Then we'll just have to work our way to the bridge." Chopper pulled out his scanner and looked at the display. "Right," he said to his companion. "I want you to take point. Let's keep this little droid between us. Move out." Chopper pointed down the corridor back in the direction 790 had come.
As his companion moved out ahead, Chopper raised his blaster and fired three rapid shots into his back, dropping him to the floor. Chopper moved forward, jammed the muzzle under the helmet, and fired two more bolts into his former companion's head.
"What was that about?" asked a surprised 790.
"He was just a grunt. I can't have him interfering when I take over as captain, now can I?" replied Chopper with a grin.
790 smiled back. "You will make an interesting captain, Captain Chopper," it replied as they continued down the corridor.
Along the way, 790 opened a channel to the bridge. 790 was easily capable of carrying on two separate, simultaneous conversations – an external verbal conversation with Chopper, and an internal comm link conversation to the bridge, with Chopper none the wiser.
"Hi guys," 790 said over the channel. "We're down to one visitor now. The guy I'm with just shot his own buddy in the back. He's ambitious, and wants to take over as captain of the Lexx."
"Does that mean a change of plan?" Stanley wanted to know.
Chopper meanwhile, pulled out his scanner again. His eyes narrowed. "What are you doing?" he said to 790.
"I'm scanning nearby chambers off this corridor," 790 replied to Chopper. "To look for any stray crew members, Xev in particular."
"Uh oh," said 790 over the channel. "I think he's picked up on my link to you with that damned scanner of his. At least the other pair didn't have a scanner."
"Really?" replied Chopper, the skepticism clear in his voice. "Because what I'm seeing looks more like a carrier signal than a scan."
"Tell him you're tied into the Lexx," suggest Kai.
"It is a carrier signal," 790 said to Chopper. "I have a rather limited scan capability. I get my information from the Lexx itself, from its sensor network, both internal as well as external. For example, I can tell you no ships have been detected inside of 10 light years, and that the immediate surrounding chambers on this corridor are empty."
Chopper used his own scanner to examine the immediate area. It didn't do very well trying to scan through walls, but as far as he could tell, the droid was telling the truth about no one being nearby. "How many people are on the bridge?" he asked.
"Two," came the immediate response, which was technically true.
"What about that third man dressed in red, the prisoner?" Chopper wanted to know.
"He was taken to the bridge, but once he was no longer needed, he was placed in a cryopod in the cryochamber for future questioning."
"Stanley," 790 said over the comm channel. "I just said you've been stored in a cryopod. I suggest you hustle down to the cryochamber now, in case this guy decides to check up on my story."
"Oh man," complained Stanley. "Why'd you have to tell him that?"
"Would you rather I'd said you'd been killed after you were no longer useful? Don't make me wish I had. Get moving!"
"No need to get elaborate," replied Kai. "Stanley, stay on the bridge. 790, I need to know your likely route."
"Where is this cryochamber?" Chopper asked.
"It's on the way to the bridge," replied 790. "We can stop by along the way."
"Yes, let's do that," replied Chopper. "Tell me if you pick up on anyone along the way, and I mean anyone, not just former crew members of this ship."
"Yes sir!" 790 said to Chopper. Over the comm channel, he said, "We're on our way to the cryochamber. Main corridor."
As they continued down the corridor, Chopper had more questions. "So this key to the Lexx… when the key transfers, does it always jump to the closest person?"
"Most of the time, yes, but I've also seen it bypass the closest individual and transfer to someone further away."
"So really, in the event something… stressful… happens to the current captain, the key might transfer to anyone on board this ship."
"In theory that could happen," conceded 790. "Although it's unlikely."
"What about that prisoner in cryo?"
"Anyone in cryo at the time of key transfer is not going to register as alive, so no, the key would not transfer to them," said 790.
"I've changed my mind. The prisoner in cryo is a low priority. What about this Xev?"
"What about her?" inquired 790.
Chopper came to a stop and aimed his blaster at 790. "Cut the crap. You said you don't scan directly – you tap into the ship's sensor network. That means you can scan the entire ship in seconds from anywhere. No need to go on an actual search. I want you to tell me where this Xev is right now."
"A moment please…" 790 said, and provided a distraction by changing its three small monitors from displaying the usual eyes and mouth to showing a bunch of random one's and zero's for a couple of seconds, then reverted back to displaying eyes and a mouth again. "Xev is approximately four kilometers behind us, about midway in the tail section."
"Hmmm. I suppose that's far enough away. I'll deal with her later," said Chopper, half-turned, looking back the way they came.
"Then you will deal with me," said a voice. Chopper whipped back around, blaster ready, and was astonished to see a man in black standing in front of him. The same man Captain Hammer shot. The same man he himself had scanned and pronounced dead. With a feeling of dread, Chopper opened fire with his blaster, and was shocked when the man simply stood there, taking the shots, apparently unaffected. Chopper finally stopped firing when the futility sank in, and he noticed the man's clothing looked charred where multiple blaster bolts hit. That made him feel slightly better, but that slight feeling evaporated as the clothes appeared to self-repair right before his eyes. In moments, the charred marks were gone.
"My turn," said Kai without any change of expression. He took a step forward. Chopper tossed away the blaster, pulled out a large knife and threw it, hitting Kai dead center in the chest. Kai stopped to pull the knife out, which gave Chopper time to ready his next weapon.
With a flash and a hum, Chopper was holding an activated light saber. "Got this little souvenir off a dead Jedi during the war," he said as he whipped the blade back and forth, causing the light saber hum to change in pitch. "Let's see how you do against this!" he said as he lunged forward swinging the light saber, the blade slicing through Kai's left arm above the elbow and partway through Kai's chest. Chopper leaped back, and felt triumph when the arm fell to the floor with a thud. He grinned at Kai.
Chopper's grin vanished when Kai didn't respond with any sign of pain or shock. There was no blood either – just a bit of slightly yellowish clear goop. A brief glow appeared where the blade had sliced into Kai's chest, and suddenly that damage was no longer visible. Kai simply reached down, picked up his arm, and held it to his stump. There was another momentary glow, and the arm was reattached and back in working order.
"What sort of thing are you?" said Chopper, breaking out into a nervous sweat as he slowly backed away, holding the light saber in front of him.
"I was once a man like you. I died defending my world and was remade into a Divine Assassin," Kai replied as he slowly began to advance. "As an assassin, I've killed mothers with their babies. I've killed great philosophers, proud young warriors, and revolutionaries. I've killed the evil, the good, the intelligent, the weak, and the beautiful. I have done this in the service of His Divine Shadow and his predecessors, and I have never once shown any… mercy," Kai said as he continued his slow approach. "You cannot kill me – I am already dead."
"No! That's impossible!" cried Chopper as he continued to slowly back away, his entire attention on Kai, the tip of the light saber pointed straight at him. Chopper did not notice 790 quietly roll up behind him and turn sideways, blocking Chopper's feet.
"The dead do not care what you think," replied Kai. "And you scanned me. Your scanner said I was dead." Kai took another step forward.
Chopper stepped back, his foot hitting 790. Chopper lost his balance and fell backwards to the floor, arms flailing as he went, losing his grip on the light saber. As chopper hit the floor, the light saber automatically switched off and rolled away just out of reach.
Kai loomed over Chopper, holding out his arm. "Join me," he said, and fired his brace, killing Chopper.
"Will you get me out of here?" called out 790, rolling slightly back and forth between Chopper's legs. "I'm trapped!"
Kai reached down and easily lifted 790 clear of Chopper's body and set him back down again.
"Let's go to the bridge," 790 said as he rolled off. "I want to know how Xev is doing." Kai stood there momentarily, watching 790 as it rolled away. He reached down, picked up the light saber, and walked on.
"Hey! Security guard!" 790 called imperiously as he rolled onto the bridge. "Call Xev. I need to speak to her."
"Well aren't you full of yourself," commented Stanley. "Besides, I tried a few minutes ago, and couldn't get her."
"Well of course you couldn't get her," said 790. "My love bunny doesn't have time for the likes of you!"
"Actually, she does," grinned back Stanley. "And I know exactly what's going on below, but if you don't want to hear it…."
790 growled. "All right. What's up with Xev?"
"What's the magic word?" replied Stanley with a smile.
"Die painfully, security guard!"
Stanley leaned over to look more closely at 790, smiling. "Wrong answer!" 790 practically shook with rage as its cart rocked back and forth.
Kai walked onto the bridge and observed 790's distress. "Is something wrong?" he asked.
"No, not really," replied Stanley.
"Yes there is!" said 790. "Kai, do me a favor and kill Stanley! Please?"
"Ah ha!" said Stanley, pointing at 790. "So you DO know how to say 'please'!"
"No, 790," replied Kai. "I will not kill Stanley."
"Stan? I am receiving a call from the planet," said the Lexx.
"Thank you, Lexx," replied Stanley while looking pointedly at 790. "Pleeeease patch it through."
"Hi guys!" said Xev over the comm.
"Hi Xev," Stanley managed to get in first. "How was your swim?" He smiled at 790, who growled again.
"I've got the mud off me now, but I could still do with a shower. So, I take it our visitors on the Lexx are no longer a problem?"
"You got it, my precious one!" said 790. "And I was instrumental in baiting them. Only one thing went wrong – Tweedle is still alive!"
"You wish!" said Stanley, no longer quite so amused with 790.
"Now now!" admonished Xev. "Remember what I said. I want you to work with Stanley, not plot against him."
"Oh! Can't a robot head do both?"
"No!" came the firm reply.
"Oooo! Your impossible demands make me so hot for you!" exclaimed 790.
"Settle down, 790," replied Xev. "The visitors down here killed my moth. Can someone come get me?"
"Not immediately," replied Kai. "All of the moths on the main landing pad were killed too."
"What about the moth on the bridge landing pad?"
"You took that one, remember?" replied Stanley.
"Oh, right," said Xev a bit sheepishly. "And Yoda blew up our visitors' shuttle. You should have seen it," she said with a grin.
"There's still the shuttle left by our visitors on the Lexx," said Stanley. "Maybe we can use that."
"I strongly advise dumping it into space instead," said Kai. "It is probably booby-trapped."
"Indeed," Yoda added over the comm, who was standing next to Xev. "A self-destruct countdown, it might have. A trick used during the war. Get that troop transport off your ship – your first priority, it is."
"Oh," said Stanley. "But once that's gone, then what?"
"Breed more moths," replied Kai.
"The Lexx can do that?"
"Yes. I will attend to the process."
"How long will it take to breed a new moth?" asked Xev.
"It is a combination of breeding and assembly," replied Kai. "If some moths are ready for assembly, a moth can be ready tomorrow. If not, it will take a few days. Up to a week perhaps."
Xev thought about it a moment. "Well, it can't be helped. Call me back when you have a better idea how long it will be, okay?"
"No problem Xev," replied Stanley. "We'll see you soon."
Xev ended the call and turned to Yoda. "What do you think?" she asked.
"I think," said Yoda. "Come to my home, you should, until you can be picked up. It is about a two or three day walk from here. We can try my speeder, but if it will manage the weight I know not."
"What's a speeder?" asked Xev, curious.
"Wait here and see," replied Yoda, who turned and walked off along the clearing edge. He soon disappeared into the underbrush.
"Troopers to the rescue, HURRAH!" There was that shout again. As Xev pondered the meaning of that, she saw the most extraordinary thing. Yoda came zooming up on a hot pink flying machine of some kind. Were those tassels hanging from the handlebars? Xev couldn't help it – she just had to smile at the sight.
"This," proclaimed Yoda, "is my speeder. Try climbing on the back."
As Xev approached the speeder uncertainly, she began to realize just how small it was. It seemed to be designed for a human child. She easily slung one leg over the speeder and gingerly sat down. As she added her weight to the speeder, its slight hum changed in pitch as it sank a bit, then rose slowly back up as the speeder compensated to stay airborne. Most of her weight was now on the speeder, but her bare feet were flat on the ground. "I'm not sure where I can put my feet," she said. If Xev reached forward, she could easily put her arms around Yoda and grab the handlebars for herself. "How do I hold on?"
"Put your feet there," said Yoda, pointed to a couple of bars sticking out Xev had not noticed before. "And hold on to your seat," Yoda finished. He gave her a moment.
With her feet on the bars, Xev's knees were actually sticking up higher than her seat. Rather than try to hold the seat, Xev found it easier to reach behind her and hold on to the fake ion generator that was jamming into her back. "I'm ready."
Yoda started off slow, circling around the clearing, no faster than a walk. "Alright are you?" he asked.
Xev found the experience thrilling. Sure the speeder wasn't going very fast, but she had never ridden on anything so open before. "I'm good. Just watch out for low branches when we enter the forest!" she replied.
Yoda increased speed, and turned, the speeder automatically banking. That caused Xev to gasp, until she realized it was really no different than a moth banking in a turn, and to just lean in with it. Yoda picked up a little more speed and headed for the wall of trees. Now Xev could distinctly feel the breeze on her face – across her whole body really. In spite of the warmth of Dagobah, the breeze made her feel cooler.
Yoda deftly steered the speeder between the trees as they left the clearing weaving gently back and forth as they went. "Still alright?" he asked again.
Xev felt like she had the hang of it now. "Yes, you can go faster if you want." The speeder surged forward, zooming through the trees. Her heart racing, she shouted, "How fast are we going?" just as Yoda dodged around a particularly large tree.
"About 30 kilometers an hour," he replied. "Want to go faster? Time it will save."
Xev was surprised. She had been sure their speed was a lot faster than that. Then again, there was nothing between herself and the elements, so their speed felt fast. "Yes, go faster," she said. The speeder surged forward again, the wind blowing Xev's hair back.
"This is as fast as I dare to travel with you on the speeder," Yoda shouted back to Xev. "About 50 kilometers an hour. At this speed, it will take just under an hour to reach my home." Xev let out a whoop as Yoda dodged another tree and the speeder zoomed off through the forest.