Chapter 16: Surprises
Dagobah
About half a kilometer from Yoda's dwelling, a sleek, silvery winged spaceship sat in the sunlight. It landed a few minutes ago. It had been easy for Xev to locate – the thing had been deafening loud when it came roaring in, before touching down gently in an open field. From the edge of the field where Xev had concealed herself, she could feel the residual heat of atmospheric entry radiating from the ship, and hear a tick-tick-ticking sound as metal cooled down. She settled down to watch.
After about thirty minutes, a hatch opened on the side of the ship, and stairs extended down to the ground. A figure dressed in blue appeared in the doorway, a man with greying hair. As Xev watched, he walked down the stairs and looked around the field, shading his eyes with his hand, apparently orientating himself. After a moment, he began to stride across the field towards the woods, heading in Yoda's direction. Xev backed off from the field, turned and ran silently through the forest, moving to intercept.
It didn't take long to be in position ahead of the stranger. He was plodding along relatively slowly and noisily. As he passed Xev's hiding spot, she burst out of cover, slipping her arms under the stranger's arms above the elbows and linking her fingers behind his neck in a full nelson, forcing his head down. "Easy there!" he called out. "I'm a friend."
Xev responded by slightly tightening her grip. "What's your name, 'friend?'"
"Bail Organa!" he gasped. "Would mine easing up a little? I'm not as young as I used to be."
Xev's eyes narrowed. "If you're Bail Organa, then you would be the one Kai spoke to."
"That's right," Bail replied. His neck was really starting to hurt. "We met on the Lexx."
"And Kai had a code phrase he would only tell to Bail Organa."
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" he grunted. "This is not exactly comfortable!"
"Then tell me the code phrase," Xev replied coolly.
"There is another."
Xev released Bail Organa, who immediately straightened up and began to rub his neck. "That's better," he said, relieved, and turned around to face his assailant. He was surprised to find a relatively petite, stunningly attractive, nude young woman with artificially red hair standing before him. The sight of Xev triggered some fond memories which made him smile with nostalgia.
"What?" Xev asked a bit suspiciously. Why was he looking at her like that?
"Sorry," Bail Organa said apologetically. "You remind me of my wife when she was about your age. You must be Xev. That's quite a grip you have. I was expecting someone taller." And a lot more muscular looking, he thought to himself.
Xev drew herself up, putting hands on hips. "Are you making fun of my height?" she demanded to know.
"Not at all," replied Bail. "You're stronger than you look. You must exercise a lot."
"I'm part cluster lizard," Xev replied by way of explanation, which left Bail puzzled. "Come on," she said, and began to lead the way to Yoda's home. This time, Xev noticed Bail Organa's walk was a lot quieter than before. "You did that deliberately, didn't you?" she called over her shoulder.
"Did what?" Bail asked innocently, a little smile on his face.
"All that stomping around like a herd of animals."
"Oh?" he said with a grin. "You mean entering the atmosphere hot to make as much noise as possible, then taking my sweet time before cracking the hatch and stomping around? Yes, I was announcing my arrival."
"Well why didn't you just call?" Xev asked, holding up her comm unit. For the first time, Bail realized Xev had a string tied around her waist, with a tiny pouch on her right hip.
Bail had been trying to decide if Xev's lack of clothing was cultural, or if she was a naturist. Given her utter unselfconsciousness, either scenario would fit. That string, he decided, was the clincher. Oh, I see, Bail thought. By her standards she probably is 'dressed,' which in some cultures is all it takes. "Sorry," he said out loud. "I didn't realize you have a comlink. Master Yoda doesn't keep one, and it's better to maintain radio silence. Dagobah is supposed to be uninhabited, and we like to keep up appearances."
"Ah, good point," replied Xev. She tucked away her comm unit. For the next few minutes they walked in companionable silence, Xev leading the way, for which Bail was grateful. Oh, he probably could have found Yoda's house on his own, but he hadn't visited Dagobah in years and would likely have become lost a few times.
"What can you tell me about Master Yoda's condition?" Bail asked to break the silence.
"Oh," Xev fretted, "I hope I haven't dragged you out here for nothing. It's like he wants to go into hibernation. All he does is sleep, and it's all I can do to wake him up long enough to eat maybe half a meal before he's out of it again."
"No need to apologize," replied Bail. "At Master Yoda's age, calling for a doctor is always the right thing to do." He frowned in thought as they followed what appeared to be an animal trail. "Yoda was a member of the Jedi High Council and a Jedi Master on Cosecant for centuries. I've personally known him about forty years or so. I've never heard of a hibernation cycle."
Xev stopped and turned around to look at Bail Organa. "Centuries? Just how old is he?" she said, an astonished look on her face.
Bail smiled. "Well, let's put it this way – he's on the wrong side of 890 years old." Bail thought about his aches and pains, his medications, and how he rarely slept through the night any more without waking up at least once. "Oh yeah, makes me feel like a child," he said in jest, and then realized the joke was totally lost on Xev.
"I had no idea Yoda was so old!" Xev said, as she turned back and resumed walking. "So what do we do?"
"I brought a medical droid with me. We'll carry Master Yoda back to my cruiser and see what it has to say."
After another minute they arrived at Yoda's dwelling. It was just the way Bail remembered it. Xev dropped to hands and knees, practically zooming through the opening. Bail Organa eased down and crawled through carefully. The smell of cooking hit him, which made him curious, but first things first. He crawled over to Yoda's bed and sat, glad to be off his knees. Yoda was asleep. "Hello old friend," he tried. No response. "Master Yoda?" Bail tried giving Yoda a slight shake. Yoda grumbled slightly before becoming still once again.
Xev had been sitting off to one side, quietly watching. "If anything, I'd say it's even harder to wake him up today than it was yesterday."
Bail nodded his head. "All right, let's carry him back." He looked over at the cooktop. "Did you make that?" he asked.
"Yes!" exclaimed Xev proudly. "I've made a vegetable soup from locally collected plants. Yoda taught me what is safe to eat."
"I'm impressed," replied Bail. "And it smells good too. Do you mind if we take a sample with us? I'd like to run it by the medical droid."
Xev's temper flared. "Are you suggesting I've poisoned Yoda? How dare you! I've been living on Dagobah for a month now, mostly on my own, and most of what I've survived on this whole time are plants and animals I've collected and prepared. Stanley's eaten it and he's fine. Yoda's eaten it and up to now he's been fine. Look at me! I couldn't be better!"
Bail held up his hand. "Xev! Please! I'm not trying to offend you; I just want to eliminate a possible cause. Now you said Yoda taught you how to forage?"
"That's right!" Xev responded, arms folded, glaring daggers at Bail Organa.
"So, he taught you things that were safe for humans to eat. Did he also teach you about things that were safe for him to eat?"
Xev sat in shocked silence. "Oh," she said in a small voice.
"Xev," Bail continued gently. "I doubt there's anything outright poisonous in your soup. You've been eating it, and you haven't been sick. Yoda's metabolism is highly compatible with human metabolism. Simply put, human food won't poison him, but chances are your soup is missing essential nutrients required to stay healthy. Actually, the same goes for you too. For non-native species, no planet is ever 100% compatible. Everyone needs to take supplements, both to supply missing nutrients as well as control a buildup of toxins. You're healthy now, but trust me, you can't live on this stuff forever."
Tears brimmed around Xev's eyes. "So I might have been causing Yoda more harm than good?" she said miserably.
"No Xev, I'm not saying that either. In fact, let me check something." Bail scooted over to the cook area and took down a container from a shelf. He pulled open the lid and looked inside. "I was afraid of that." He showed the container to Xev. It was empty. "This is where Yoda kept his supplements for Dagobah. I suspect this has been empty for some time, and he's been trying to live strictly off the land. In the long run, it doesn't work." He looked up at Xev. "This started long before you arrived on Dagobah, Xev. It's not your fault."
Bail scooted back over and sat beside Xev. "Far from harming Yoda, you've done a wonderful thing. You recognized a problem and called for help. Now, let's get him back to my cruiser for a checkup, okay?"
"Okay," Xev nodded.
Alderaan
"Stanley? Stanley?" Stanley grunted and smacked his lips, eyes still closed. He felt his cheek being tickled. In response, he sleepily swatted at the irritation and smacked himself on the cheek and nose.
That woke him up. He opened his eyes and found himself lying on his side, almost nose-to-nose with Kitten, who was gloriously stretched out beside him. He smiled. "Hey you," he said, and yawned. He leaned forward and gave Kitten a kiss before collapsing back onto the pillow.
Kitten smiled back. "Good morning sleepyhead. Are you ready for something to eat?"
"Yeah," replied Stanley. "Now that I think about it, I could definitely use some food. But, oh man! I had the worst nightmare last night! I dreamed I was being held captive by…" Stanley trailed off. It occurred to him, as he lay there talking to Kitten, that someone was spooning him from behind. An arm was draped over his middle, hand curled around "little Stanley." He could hear light snoring and feel hot breath on his neck. Curious, he looked over his shoulder.
"AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA! GET HER AWAY FROM ME! GET HER AWAY FROM ME!" Stanley screamed at the top of his lungs as he scrambled out of the bed, climbing over Kitten in the process. He fell to the floor, jumped to his feet and ran for the far side of the room before turning around, flattening himself against the wall, looking back at the bed. Billie, Lillie, and Millie sprang out of the other side of the bed looking panic stricken. Two security guards burst into the room, weapons drawn, trying to identify a target. "Giggerota," for her part, still lay where she had been spooning Stanley moments ago, staring at him in shock.
Kitten bounced out of bed and took charge. "It's all right," she said to the security guards, waving them down with both hands. "Just a panic attack. We'll take it from here. Oh, and have the kitchen send up food for everyone. Thank you," she said as she escorted the security guards out of the room. Once the door was closed, she turned back around and stared at Stanley. "Stanley? What's wrong?" Kitten said, trying to keep her voice neutral.
Stanley pointed a shaky finger at the bed. "It's like I said last night! That's Giggerota, the crazy cannibal bitch from the Light Universe! She killed her husband, ate him, and wore his skin as clothes! She didn't even pretend it was some sort of animal skin; the poor man's head was still attached at the back!"
"That's disgusting!" exclaimed the woman on the bed. "Now look, Stanley, as I explained before, my name is Heather, not 'Giggerota.' Got it?"
"Then why did you call yourself Giggerota last night?" demanded Stanley in a squeaky voice.
Heather rolled her eyes. "I never did! It's you who kept insisting on calling me Giggerota! If a client wants to call you by a different name, you go with the fantasy."
Now Stanley was shifting from fear to anger. "Giggerota was no fantasy! She was a dangerous criminal who was sent to The Cluster on multiple counts of cannibalism for trial and death by recycling!"
Billie, Lillie, and Millie looked at each other with horrified expressions.
"Stanley," Kitten said quietly, palms up, trying to calm him down. "It's pretty obvious you've suffered from some trauma—"
"Suffered from some trauma? She was always threatening to eat me! She bit my hand off with that snake-like tongue of hers! And she tried to abandon us on Brunnis to die in a supernova!"
"Stanley, you have two hands," Kitten pointed out. "And obviously you didn't die in a supernova."
"Well yeah, but only because we were able to reattach my hand, which she had left on the bridge of the Lexx when it returned to pick us up!"
To Heather, Kitten said, "Would you stick your tongue out please?" Heather stuck her tongue out at Stanley. It was an ordinary human tongue.
"Well," Stanley said weakly when he saw Heather's tongue. "I could be mistaken."
Kitten sighed. "Tell you what Stanley, do you think you could sit down and tell us about it? Talking might help, you know."
"Oh poor Stanley!" said Billie.
"Look how he's shaking!" said Lillie.
"We should help him!" said Millie. The three girls quietly walked around the bed over to Stanley. Two of them each took a hand and coaxed Stanley away from the wall. "Group hug!" Millie called, and the three girls pressed in on all sides, wrapping their arms around each other and Stanley, and began to smother him in kisses.
Stanley's first thought was that a group hug was a silly idea, but if the girls wanted to hug him, he didn't mind. Then he realized he was actually beginning to calm down. Once he was calmer, Stanley began to remember he was still nude. So were the three girls pressing against him, as well as Kitten and Giggerota… well, Heather as she kept calling herself, and that awareness began to stir other thoughts.
"Oh!" said Lillie, who happened to the girl in front. "I think Stanley likes me!" she said with a smile, and began to rock her hips to encourage him along.
"Not now!" Stanley said, alarmed as the door opened and kitchen staff rolled in carts of food.
Instead of stopping, Lillie began thrusting harder and moaning. "Oh! Yes! Oh! Yes! Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Stanley turned red with embarrassment as Lillie kept at it until the kitchen staff exited the room, whereupon she fell to the floor, curled up on her side, laughing.
"If you were going to put on a show," Stanley growled. "We might have at least been doing it for real."
"Hey everybody!" Lillie said, and rolled over onto her back, legs open. "Stanley wants to put on a live sex act!" Stanley looked away, both thrilled and embarrassed at the same time.
"Oh Lillie! You are a bad, bad girl!" said Billie as she stood beside Stanley, hands on hips.
"Very naughty," agreed Millie as she held Stanley's hand. Millie and Billie exchanged looks, which went unnoticed by Stanley.
Lillie rolled onto hands and knees, and wiggled her bottom at Stanley. "Spank me Stanley! Spank me!" she giggled.
Stanley laughed and shook his head. In spite of her embarrassing antics, Lillie was just too cute to stay angry at for long. Suddenly he felt very tired. It had been a mostly sleepless night, after all. "Please Lillie – I'm too tired for this. Tell you what, why don't we all put on robes and sit down to eat, and I'll tell you about the Light Universe?"
Imperial Naval Command
In a solar system devoid of life, concentric rings of asteroids circled a star; planets that might have been, but never formed during the creation of the galaxy. Officially listed as a mining operation abandoned thousands of years ago, no privately owned spacecraft had any legitimate reason to go visiting. Lately, those that did were never heard from again.
One asteroid belt in particular did show signs of activity; constant swarms of TIE fighter patrols at irregular intervals, and a scattering of capital ships. Buried deep in a large, hollowed out asteroid covered in point-defense weaponry, the Imperial Naval Command was a rabbit warren of offices, intelligence command centers, and other functions vital to running an Empire. In a well-appointed office, Captain Waed and Commander Galicia stood at attention before the desk of one Admiral Hopper. The admiral was not a happy man. He had been chewing Waed and Galicia a new one for the last twenty minutes, and he showed no sign of slowing down. He was also repeating himself, but it wouldn't do to point that out. The same phrases kept coming up, like "court martial," "dereliction of duty," "abandonment of post," and, of course, "cowardice."
"You would have been better off lost in battle than to come crawling back here!" yelled Admiral Hopper. "It would have left your dignity and your service records intact!"
"With respect, sir," said Captain Waed. "Both Minyada and Dotrina were destroyed before we were in position. Engaging the enemy at that point would not have changed the outcome. The Empire would have simply lost another ship and crew complement, and now have a mystery on their hands."
"And if you had not been cowering behind Alderaan, all three ships could have engaged the enemy simultaneously!" raged the admiral. "You could have made a difference!" he said as he banged his fist for emphasis, causing everything on his desk to jump.
"Begging your pardon sir, we were in orbit, sir, not cowering," said Captain Waed with more calm than he felt. "If the other captains had exercised restraint and waited thirty seconds, we could have joined them for the engagement."
Admiral Hopper managed to become even angrier than before, pointing his finger at Waed. "I WILL NOT have you besmirch the records of the other ship captains! They understood their duty! If I had my way, I'd shoot the pair of you here and now!" The admiral took a deep breath, put both hands on his desk palms down and continued in a slightly calmer voice. "However, not everyone is in agreement. Half the command staff want to pin metals on you, and the other half want you executed." Admiral Hopper gave them a nasty grin. "Some have proposed a compromise: a summary execution followed by posthumous awards sent to your families."
The intercom buzzed, disturbing Admiral Hopper's tirade. The admiral slammed the intercom. "I said NO INTERRUPTIONS!" he screamed at his aid.
"Yes sir, sorry sir," came a shaky voice over the intercom. "You have a visitor, sir."
"WHAT!" roared Admiral Hopper. "You interrupted me for that! When I've finished with these two, I will reassign your ass to the worst post—"
The door to Admiral Hopper's office slid open, revealing an outer office. Without waiting for an invitation, a tall, gaunt figure stalked in, along with two aids trailing behind. The color drained from Admiral Hopper's florid face. He stood to attention so fast he nearly knocked his chair over. "Sir!" he said.
Grand Moff Tarkin took in the scene before him, grim-faced. "Captain Waed I take it?" he said, ignoring the Admiral.
Waed snapped off a smart salute. "Yes sir!"
Tarkin's eyes flicked over to Galicia. "And you must be his first officer, Commander Galicia."
Galicia saluted as well. "I have that honor, sir!"
Tarkin stared at Galicia, expressionless. "Remove your commander's pips and hand them to me. And you!" he said, pointing to Waed. "I want your captain's pips as well." The admiral looked triumphant as Waed felt his heart sink. Grand Moff Tarkin was soon rolling both sets of pips around in his hand.
"Now then – to business," said the Grand Moff. "Waed, you have been reassigned, which means Apacaphion is in need of a new captain." He held out the captain's pips to Galicia. "Put these on, Captain Galicia. Congratulations on your promotion and your new command."
Galicia hurriedly put on the captain's pips and shook hands with the Grand Moff. "Thank you, sir." He couldn't believe it! Neither could Admiral Hopper. His jaw was slack with a stunned expression on his face.
Grand Moff Tarkin snapped his fingers, and one of his aids handed over a small box. The Grand Moff opened the box and held it out to Waed. "These are for you," he said brusquely. Inside was a pair of Admiral's bars. Waed put them on while doing his best to conceal any emotion. The Grand Moff held out his hand to Waed. "Congratulations, Rear Admiral Waed. You will be reporting directly to me."
"Thank you, sir!" said Waed. He concealed a smile as he saw Admiral Hopper's face out of the corner of his eye. It was an expression Waed would not soon forget.
"Sir! I must protest!" exclaimed Admiral Hopper. "These men have committed serious offenses and should be court martialed! I cannot imagine why you are doing this!"
"Yes, I am aware you have a lack of imagination," the Grand Moff replied dryly. "Or perhaps you would rather have had all three ships bunched together and presented a single target? If you had paid scant attention to incident report, you would know the power output from that bug weapon was more than enough to have destroyed those ships several times over."
"These men were negligent and abandoned their post!" exclaimed Admiral Hopper. He was becoming angry all over again; heedless of whom he was talking to.
"Admiral," said the Grand Moff in a dangerous tone. "Apacaphion is short a first officer, and I still have a pair of commander's pips." Admiral Hopper's mouth opened and closed wordlessly as the Grand Moff pointedly stared at him. The admiral abruptly sat in his chair, looking defeated. "Captain, you have your assignment," the Grand Moff said to Galicia. "Dismissed." Captain Galicia saluted, turned on his heel, and marched out the door. He did not really relax until he was past the outer office. Only then did he allow himself a smile as headed for the hanger bays.
"Waed, you're with me," said the Grand Moff. He dropped the commander's pips on Hopper's desk, turned and swept out the door, expecting his entourage to keep up.
Waed had to stride rapidly to catch up to and walk beside Grand Moff Tarkin. "Sir, I'd like to thank you for this opportunity. I knew my decision to come here would be, well, upsetting, but I had no idea it would prove to be so controversial among the command staff."
The Grand Moff waved his hand dismissively as they strode down the hallway. "Officers like Hopper are idiots. Useful idiots to be sure, but they fail to see the big picture. The value of surviving to report this new threat to the Empire far outweighs getting yourself killed in a futile gesture. This incident has the attention of the Emperor himself, and he intends to do something about it."
"I see," said Waed, shocked his actions had garnered such lofty awareness. "What will be my role in this sir, if you don't mind my asking?"
The Grand Moff smiled. "For now, let's just say I'm in charge of a special project. I want you for that project. We'll talk more once we're off this rock. Meanwhile, what's your assessment of this bug ship? Do you think it's a secret rebel super-weapon, as some are suggesting?"
"No sir, I don't," replied Waed. "For one thing, it just seems too alien. For another, I don't think the rebels have the resources to build something like that. We've seen their ships – they're mostly reconditioned junk. They would be better off acquiring conventional ships and weapons, than pouring everything they have into a one-of-a-kind super-weapon."
The Grand Moff nodded his approval. "Agreed, and in fact the latest chatter suggests the sudden appearance of the bug ship was just as much a surprise to the rebels as it was for us. Which leads to this question: where did it come from?"
Waed hesitated. "Well sir, two possibilities come to mind. One is that there is a secret organization capable of pulling together the resources – perhaps over a period of decades – to produce the bug ship."
"Interesting…" responded the Grand Moff. "Certainly there have been organizations capable of doing so in the past, and sometimes they have pulled off some pretty big projects. The clones that seemed to come out of nowhere, for example, during the Clone Wars, or before that, the droid army the Trade Federation amassed."
"Yes sir, but both of those are examples of using conventional technologies. The bug ship seems to be something else entirely, which leads to a second possibility; that it comes from somewhere else – from outside the galaxy."
"Yes…" said the Grand Moff softly as they turned and walked into a hanger bay. An unmarked Imperial shuttle awaited them, wings folded up, its ramp extended. "It's that possibility that has the Emperor worried. The sudden appearance of the bug ship has the potential to disrupt plans decades in the making." The Grand Moff stopped just short of the shuttle ramp and looked at Waed. "What if that bug ship is the vanguard to a galactic invasion?"
That idea chilled Waed to the bone. "Then we had better start building ships with a lot more firepower, sir."
Grand Moff Tarkin smiled. "I think you'll fit in well," he said as they walked up the ramp together.