Chapter 17: Doctor's Orders
Dagobah
In a small medical bay on board Bail Organa's cruiser, Yoda lay unconscious on a padded examination table. After that first day on Dagobah, Xev reflected, Yoda had seemed so much larger than life that she quickly stopped thinking about his size—he was simply a friend, a companion, a mentor. But here on this ship scaled for human comfort, seeing Yoda helpless brought home just how tiny he really was. He took up less than half the length of the examination table, and he looked frail.
A medical droid was running scans, occasionally making "tsk-tsk" sounds as it worked. Xev watched the droid warily, its translucent panels showing off its inner workings, emphasizing its mechanical nature.
Bail could see Xev was not comfortable around the droid. "That's a 2-1B series medical droid, one of the most sophisticated medical droids available in the galaxy. I can assure you it is well qualified. Yoda is in capable hands."
Xev arched an eyebrow as the droid swapped appliances at the end of one arm. "Hands?" she said, folding her arms.
Bail smiled. "Metaphorically speaking of course," he said as they watched the droid.
Xev took in a deep breath and let it out. "Well, let's just say I've had a few bad experiences when it comes to automated devices. I'll be glad when this exam is over."
A few seconds later, the droid looked up.
"It is largely as you guessed, sir," it said, addressing Bail Organa. "The patient is exhibiting symptoms typical of multiple nutritional deficiencies. Most are minor, but one or two are more serious. However, the patient's age along with a general decline in health due to poor diet over an extended period has contributed to other problems. The patient is dehydrated and showing early signs of osteopenia—decreased bone density."
The droid looked directly at Xev. "Has the patient experienced any shocks recently? A fall, for example, or other physical stress?"
Xev's eyes widened. "There was that fight with the mercenary clones," she said.
Bail looked surprised and was about to speak when Xev held up her hand.
"Short version—we won. I'll tell you about it later. Please go on," she said to the medical droid.
The droid nodded its head. "Yes, that would do it. Has the patient exhibited any signs of dementia? Become confused when performing simple tasks? Inability to recall recent events? Not know who you are?"
"No, nothing like that," Xev said.
"Good," the droid said. "There is no indication of permanent brain function loss, but it is not uncommon in these cases for his species to exhibit dementia-like symptoms until they are fully recovered. You should be prepared for that eventuality when he becomes conscious. I have treated the osteopenia and begun a rehydration course. I will monitor the patient overnight to ensure he is stabilized. Thereafter, treatment will be simple: just ensure the patient takes his supplements on schedule, follows an exercise program, and let nature to take its course. However, the patient will need in-home guidance—reminders to take his supplements, exercise and meals prepared—for the next several weeks, perhaps as long as a few months, until he makes a full recovery."
"A few months!" exclaimed Bail and Xev simultaneously. They looked at each other in surprise.
"I thought you could, I don't know, give him a shot or a pill and make it all better!" Xev said. Surely these people have better ways to cure patients, she thought.
"What about a bacta tank?" Bail asked.
The medical droid shook its head. "No sir, due to the patient's advanced age, I recommend against using any accelerated treatment methods. Those might cause more harm than good. It would also require transporting the patient to Alderaan, and hospitals must rank bacta candidates by priority. The patient's age and relatively mild illness make him an unlikely choice for bacta therapy, particularly since he can be expected to make a full recovery without it."
"You have some influence, right?" Xev said to Bail Organa. "Can't Yoda be given priority treatment?"
"Yes, that could be done, but at what cost?" the droid replied.
Bail thought about it for a moment. He sighed and looked at Xev. "The droid's right, you know. We can't do that."
"Well why not?" Xev replied angrily.
It was pretty obvious to her who would be expected to care for Yoda, and it wasn't Bail Organa. As much as she liked Yoda, she didn't want this dumped on her. Months?
"Putting Yoda at the top of the list means putting him ahead of people with real, life-threatening injuries," Bail said. "Younglings too, I imagine."
"Younglings with life-threatening injuries usually have top priority, yes," replied the droid.
Bail looked at Xev and spoke quietly. "Master Yoda would never allow another's life to be put at risk simply because we were impatient with his rate of recovery."
"Oh! That is so unfair!" exclaimed Xev. She turned and stomped out of the medical bay. A moment later, Bail heard the hatch cycle as Xev exited the cruiser.
Bail found Xev sitting outside of Yoda's dwelling, tossing small rocks into a pond one at a time. He quietly sat down beside Xev and waited without saying a word. Xev continued to toss rocks, watching the ripples, until eventually her small stack was gone.
"You might have at least asked first," Xev growled, "instead of just assuming I am available and willing to look after Yoda."
Bail held up his hands. "In my defense, I would like to state I had not made any assumptions, and I hadn't asked if you would be Yoda's caretaker because you didn't give me that chance," he said quietly. "I do admit I was hoping you might be available. It would be an ideal solution for a number of reasons."
He began to tick off those reasons on his fingers. "You're already here, Master Yoda knows you, you've proven yourself adaptable and resourceful, and aside from me and your crewmates, the Empire doesn't who you are or that you're here, which is a huge plus for security."
Bail looked Xev in the eyes. "Yes, I was on the verge of asking, but I also realize you may want or need to return to your own ship."
Xev held Bail's eye contact. "What was that other treatment option? The one the robot rejected?"
"You mean the bacta tank?"
"Yes, that's it. What's a bacta tank?" Xev asked, wondering if it might still be possible for Yoda to be treated that way.
"Well," said Bail, holding up his hands and making a circular motion. "Typically it's a large, clear tank filled with a solution of bacta, a very powerful substance which promotes rapid healing. Bacta is effective against virtually every type of injury and works on an incredible number of species. It's considered to be the best medicine in the galaxy. It's also known as a rejuvenation tank."
Xev's interest perked up when she heard the word "rejuvenation."
"Oh? What else can you tell me about it?" she asked.
"There's not much more I can tell," replied Bail, as he wondered about Xev's interest. "The medical droid can talk about it in detail, but I do know it was invented over four thousand years ago by the Vratix, a slightly telepathic insectoid species. Bacta production is still tied to the Vratix to this day."
That had Xev's full attention. "So bacta is a liquid that promotes rapid healing, it's used to cure almost anything, and is produced by an insect species? Now that is interesting! I wonder…."
Xev's eyes lost focus as she thought about the possibilities.
She abruptly turned to Bail. "About being Yoda's caretaker," she said. "How are such matters handled on your planet? I assume anyone hired as a caretaker is paid."
"Yes, of course!" he said, relieved Xev appeared to be considering the job.
"It's only natural you should be compensated. Most of the time, caretaking is handled by nurse droids, but there are still human caretakers as well for those who prefer it. In Master Yoda's case, droids have a detectable power source, so we don't want a droid here."
"Right," said Xev. She leaned in close to Bail.
"But this job is much more than just being a caretaker, isn't it? If you hired someone from Alderaan, that person would have to be sworn to secrecy; be willing to be cut off from civilization and live under the most primitive conditions imaginable; be knowledgeable in local Dagobah plants and animals for daily food collection, and understand what's dangerous so they don't get eaten by a large predator. Oh yes, and be ready to start immediately. I'll bet finding someone like that won't be easy, don't you?"
Xev smiled and batted her eyes while thrusting her chest out.
Bail smiled, amused at Xev's obviousness.
As if no one has ever tried flirting with me before, he thought to himself.
Still, she had raised several valid points, and Bail was already prepared to make a generous offer.
"I agree," he said. "This job is both important and conditions warrant better than average compensation. What did you have in mind?"
Bail was thinking in terms of salary negotiation and perhaps opening a bank account for Xev on Alderaan, so what Xev said next surprised him.
"I want Kai to get the bacta tank treatment. I don't know if it will really help him, but I'd like to give it a try. Kai has, as the medical robot put it, a life-threatening condition."
"He does?" said Bail, eyebrows raised. "I only met him briefly. What's wrong with Kai?"
"He's dead," Xev stated flatly.
"Sorry, I think I misunderstood you. Did you say Kai is—"
"Dead," Xev repeated. "He's a walking, talking animated corpse. The only thing that keeps him going is protoblood, a substance that was produced by the Gigashadow, a gigantic, almost planet-size intelligent bug back in the Light Universe. Imagine if bacta could make him better or even cure him. Kai could live again!"
Bail held up his hand. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Bacta is amazing stuff, but I've never heard of it bringing anyone back to life, and bacta isn't cheap. It's been in short supply ever since the fall of the Republic. That's a lot of compensation you're asking for—more than you know."
Xev looked stubborn. "Hello? Important job, you said? Needs to be filled immediately?"
"Okay! Okay! Bacta treatment it is," Bail said. He chuckled. "Now you're starting to remind me of my daughter."
He stood up, brushed off his robe and held out his hand. "Shall we go?"
Xev reached up with her hand and allowed Bail to help her up.
"Go where?" she asked, a little bit puzzled.
"Back to my cruiser of course," replied Bail. "Would you like something to eat? I can rustle up a pretty good emergency ration," he said with a grin.
"Why not?" Xev said, returning his smile. "It's bound to be better than the stuff we eat on the Lexx."
After showing off his cooking prowess, which consisted of pulling little tabs on two emergency rations causing them to self-heat, Bail Organa and Xev sat down to eat at a small table on board the cruiser. Xev was not entirely sure about eating something called an emergency ration, but was pleasantly surprised. The rations came in ten varieties. It was definitely better than the blue goo served by the Lexx.
As they finished, Bail said to Xev, "Be sure to eat the crackers that came in the package." He had a slight smile on his face.
"Really? Why?" Xev asked as she experimentally nibbled on one of her crackers. It seemed all right to her. She began to eat it.
"It's an old Guard joke. It says crackers are the only part of a ration that's high in fiber. If you don't eat the crackers, you'll discover emergency rations don't have an exit strategy."
"Exit strategy?"
"Skip the crackers and you'll be badly constipated."
Xev choked on her cracker. She grabbed a glass of water and swallowed.
Bail grinned. "Actually, that story isn't true, at least for rations produced on Alderaan. On the plus side, they are nutritionally complete, so you don't need to take supplements. And speaking of supplements, you still need to be checked out by the medical droid."
"Me? Why?" replied Xev. She didn't care for that idea. "I'm perfectly fine. Really."
"Yes, I know you feel fine now, but supplements are best when tailored for each planet and the individual. To do that, the medical droid will need to examine you. Then it can produce a batch of pills specific to your Dagobah needs. You've lived here what, at least a month already? A single month isn't a problem, but if you're going to live here for several additional months, it's a necessary step. It's either that or eat nothing but emergency rations for the rest of your stay."
Bail raised an eyebrow at Xev.
"Okay, fine," Xev sighed as she finished her last cracker. "Let's get this over with."
They stood up, and Bail pressed a button. The table retracted into the wall, taking everything left behind on the table with it. They walked a short distance down the narrow corridor to the medical bay, where Yoda was still being monitored by the medical droid.
Xev saw this as a last chance to escape an examination. "Well if Yoda can't be moved, I guess we'll just have to do this another —"
She stopped as a second examination table slid out of the wall. "Oh."
"If you will lie down, please," said the droid.
Xev reluctantly did as she was told, her head towards the wall with a diagnostic panel above.
Until now, Bail could safely ignore Xev's nudity by staying focused on her face. Lying on the elevated table, her body suddenly seemed to demand attention.
"I wasn't born this way—I was bio-sculpted," Xev said quietly. "Even now, I sometimes feel disconnected and see a stranger in the mirror. It gets better with time."
Bail practically jumped, embarrassed to realize Xev had caught him looking. She had a smile on her face.
"Don't be silly," she said reassuringly. "If it bothered me, you wouldn't be here."
The medical droid glanced at Bail before speaking to Xev. "If you would like some privacy, I can have Viceroy Organa leave the bay."
"No!" Xev said quickly. She gave Bail a pleading look and held out her hand. "I don't want to be left alone. Please stay."
Bail quietly nodded to Xev, glad he could help in some small way. He took her hand, which she gripped tightly, reminding Bail once again Xev was stronger than she looked.
"Very well," said the droid. "I will begin with a noninvasive examination to establish a baseline."
"Okay," replied Xev. She closed her eyes, stiffly kept her arms by her sides and told herself to not flinch. "How much poking and prodding does this involve?"
"None," replied the droid. "I have completed the scan. Beginning analysis…."
The droid paused for several seconds.
"You are not entirely human. I will need to run a fuller examination, which does involve drawing a blood and DNA sample. You may feel a stinging sensation."
Xev felt something press against her arm. There was a "pop" and brief feel of something sharp. The feeling was gone almost as soon as she felt it. It wasn't nearly as bad as she had anticipated. She finally relaxed and continued to lay quietly, eyes closed, as she heard a slight hum she assumed was a scanning device.
"Great Maker! It's outrageous!" exclaimed the droid. "I have never seen or heard of such unethical butchery in my entire existence! Who would do such a thing?"
Xev's eyes snapped open. She lifted partway up on the table to look at the droid, resting back on her elbows. The medical droid was actually shaking and was the source of the hum Xev was hearing.
Bail's jaw dropped, astonished. He has never known a medical droid to lose its professional decorum.
"Perhaps you need to dial back on the empathy level?" he said uncertainly.
The humming stopped as the droid collected itself.
"If there is one hard lesson learned going back to antiquity," the droid said, "it is to be extraordinarily careful when tampering with a being's DNA sequence. Since the foundation of the Republic, medical ethics has dictated geneticists may only make changes as needed to correct defects, and to be very careful when it comes to defining a defect."
The droid paused to wave at Xev. "This patient's DNA has been tampered with, in the most brute-force manner imaginable, along virtually her entire sequence with large segments of unknown DNA added in seemingly at random. It is a wonder she is alive at all, never mind being strong and remarkably healthy given the conditions she now lives in."
"Oh!" said Xev. "That must be cluster lizard DNA you're seeing. I'm part cluster lizard now," she said matter-of-factly.
"Yes, you mentioned that before," frowned Bail. "At the time, I thought it was just an odd figure of speech. How is it you are part cluster lizard 'now,' as you say?"
Xev looked pensive as she recalled unpleasant memories.
"I was being forcibly married to a Divine Shadow acolyte, a bratty teenage boy who called me a 'fat cow' when we saw each other for the first time at our wedding. He demanded I be sent back to the Wife Bank in exchange for someone better. I was both angry and afraid. I slugged the little brat on the chin. I was arrested for 'failure in the performance of my wifely duties' and sent to The Cluster for trial. I was found guilty of course—I don't think any prisoner sent to The Cluster was ever found to be innocent—and sentenced to be turned into a love slave."
"That's terrible!" Bail said, horrified at the story. "You're saying your society actually used body alteration as a form of punishment?"
"Body and mind. That was for a minor transgression. Most people were sentenced to death by organ harvesting for crimes like failing to tithe to the Divine Order. Organ harvesting was performed right after sentencing—without anesthesia. People died screaming in horror and pain. This all happened in front of everyone waiting their turn to be tried. You knew exactly what was coming, and could see the harvesting machine dripping with blood and gore. The entire process was automated, from prisoner intake, to trial, to execution of sentence. The trial itself took less than two minutes."
There was silence for a moment. Bail ran his fingers through his hair, dismayed.
"That has got to be the most barbaric thing I've ever heard," he said, "and I've seen and heard a lot. So a ludicrously short trial, and straight to being turned into a love slave?"
"Only partially," replied Xev. "I do have the body of a bio-sculpted love slave," she said, waving to herself.
"That part I actually like, but I was lucky. The transformation process was interrupted when an escaped cluster lizard entered the room and attacked 790, the robot operating the love slave machine. The cluster lizard ate the biological parts of 790 and turned to attack me while I was strapped down for the transformation. The cluster lizard was caught in the machinery and decapitated. And that was how its DNA became mixed in with mine. After the physical transformation completed, I was able to free myself. I put 790's head on the table for the second part of the transformation. While I'm still in my right mind, 790 received the love slave programming, and that's why 790 loves me."
"You are lucky to be alive," said the medical droid. "I do not know if you are aware of all the things done to you as part of this transformation—"
"I know I'm horny all the time," Xev interrupted. She smiled appraisingly at Bail Organa, who shifted uncomfortably. "I keep it suppressed, but it's always there. Sometimes it can be overwhelming."
"The human libido hardly needs to be elevated," the droid responded somewhat archly. "Compared to most species, humans have their 'mating season' permanently switched on. In your case you seem to be trapped, to some degree, in a state of arousal as well. For a human male, it would be equivalent to living with a partial erection and the constant urge to mate that comes with it."
"Ow! Too much information!" exclaimed Bail with a pained expression.
The droid ignored Bail's outburst and went on. "An always-on libido puts continuous stress on your body. If your physiology were not already elevated by inclusion of this cluster lizard DNA, by now you would be suffering from acute hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and need reconstructive heart surgery."
Xev shuttered. "Love slaves were never meant to last long. There was even a fail-safe kill switch built into me, to ensure my death after a limited time. That switch is disabled now. I'm actually past my expiration date."
The droid pointed to the display. "There is a semi-organic chip of some sort embedded in the base of your skull, with neurofilaments extending into multiple brain regions making it impossible to remove. Could that be it?"
Xev frowned and shook her head. "No, I don't think so. You've just reminded me of something I totally forgot. When I first went through prisoner intake, I was injected in the back of my head, right at that spot. No explanation of course—we were prisoners on an automated conveyor—but that was before my trial, so it can't be the kill switch."
"Very well. Continuing on, you can expect to live a normal life span—possibly longer than normal. On the other hand, I must report you are sterile. Your reproductive organs are still there, but your ovaries no longer contain eggs. Should you wish to become pregnant, this can be done with DNA and stem cell therapy, followed by artificial implantation. After that, you will be able to carry a fetus to term and give birth normally."
Xev nodded her head. "I stopped having my period after my love slave transformation, but I had no idea what was done to me. I had feared worse! At least I still have my organs. Anything else?"
"Your immune system is also boosted. In particular, it is well suited to killing off sexually transmitted diseases. I suspect this was not done for your benefit, but to protect those you would have been expected to service as a love slave. Still, it does mean you are remarkably healthy—healthier than a normal human would be under the same conditions."
The droid turned to the side and selected options on a monitor. After a few seconds, a drawer popped open and the droid removed a bottle filled with pills. It turned back to Xev.
"This is a six month supply of nutritional supplements. These are specifically tailored to you, to be used only by you, and only while you are living here on Dagobah. Take one tablet with each meal when eating native plants and animals. If you eat an emergency ration, you can skip taking a tablet for that meal. Instructions are written on the bottle."
"Make that twelves months," said Bail. He nodded to Xev. "Better to have too many than to run out."
Xev took the bottle and looked at it. "Sorry, I can't read this, but don't worry! One pill per Dagobah meal. Got it."
"You never learned to read?" Bail asked in a disbelieving voice.
Xev snorted. "Of course I know how to read! I just don't know how to read this language! I've never seen it before."
"You really do come from somewhere far, far away, don't you?" Bail said in wonder.