Chapter 23: Interlude

Alderaan

Stanley H. Tweedle was feeling peeved. Here he was, Captain of the Lexx, the most powerful weapon of destruction in the two universes—maybe three universes. One would think he could get some respect. Instead, events were, as usual, spiraling out of control.

Kai had allowed a bunch of locals to search the Lexx for an imaginary army. Granted, the locals were polite about it, but it still bugged him that the decision was made without him at least being consulted. Okay, okay, he had been tied up at the time—literally—by Ginger, Lillie, and her clone sisters, but still….

As it turned out, the locals weren't just being paranoid. They had detected a fading distress beacon coming from within the Lexx itself—and its code identified it as a missing Imperial patrol craft.

"Oh that," 790 had said dismissively when Stanley raised the subject. "I'd been hearing it for weeks. It started shortly after we arrived in this universe, but it's finally stopped now."

Stanley wasn't happy about this revelation. "Well why didn't you say anything?" he said, waving his hands in frustration.

"Because it was a distress call and I always ignore those," 790 replied matter-of-factly. "Besides, whatever is left of that beacon is buried under thousands of tons of half-digested organic matter, but if you want to go looking for it, be my guest." 790 had given Stanley a rather evil grin.

And now, Xev had effectively roped them into becoming involved in local politics, a bad idea in his opinion, in an attempt to help dead guy Kai, who couldn't care less. Here stood Bail Organa, the Prince of Alderaan—or whatever his title was—proposing an action that would plunge them into the very heart of the rebellion.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" said Stanley as he held up his hands. "A 'decapitation' strike? Look, I sympathize with you guys—really, I do, but—"

"We'll do it!" 790 jumped in.

Stanley's jaw dropped. "Excuse me? I'm the captain of the Lexx—not you! I've said from the beginning I don't want us getting involved no matter how much Xev wants it!"

"Oh yeah?" 790 said scornfully. "We're already involved, smart one. You irrevocably committed us, not booty-licious Xev, when you blew away those two Imperial Star Destroyers. Do you really think the Empire will let it go? Frankly, I'm surprised they haven't attacked already."

Viceroy Organa nodded, hoping Stanley could be persuaded, but otherwise kept his expression neutral. "Your droid is correct. You gave the Empire something to think about, but sooner or later your reprieve will be over and they will respond in force—sooner would be my guess."

"Well that's just great!" Stanley said in frustration. He waved his hands. "You know what? Let them come. It'll just be more target practice for the Lexx."

The Viceroy coughed politely. "I don't think you fully appreciate the resources available to the Empire. When I say respond in force, I mean overwhelming force, as in entire fleets. Your ship is very powerful, but it's a single ship. A pack of small but determined predators can bring down a much larger prey."

Stanley crossed his arms. "They can't touch the Lexx," he stubbornly insisted.

"Perhaps they can't," the Viceroy acknowledged with a nod. "Still, I imagine even where you come from, a ship like the Lexx was never intended to fend for itself, but to travel in a battle group. We can offer that group protection."

"And do what, exactly?" Stanley wanted to know.

"A decapitation strike against the Emperor himself was just one idea. Frankly, I see that as impractical. A true decapitation strike calls for precision—ideally removing just the Emperor and his immediate entourage—whereas a capital ship like this is a blunt instrument. How much damage would this ship cause if it fired at a city?"

Stanley grinned. "Oh, it would destroy the entire city and the surrounding countryside…."

"I suspected as much."

"…Along with the rest of the planet," Stanley added after a pause.

"What! Do you mean to say Xev's offhand comment about blowing up planets is literally true?"

"Yes, it's absolutely, literally true! The Lexx is a planet destroyer. That's its primary function."

Viceroy Organa was shocked to his core. "In something this small? How is that even possible?"

Stanley felt like the Lexx had just been insulted. "Whaddaya mean, 'small?' The Lexx is bigger than any ship we've seen yet!" he said with wounded pride.

The Viceroy shook his head. "You haven't seen the Death Star. I have. I was held prisoner there for a time. It's a sphere one hundred sixty kilometers in diameter. If it were hollow, hundreds of Lexxes could fit inside."

Now it was Stanley's turn to be shocked. His jaw went slack for a second before he gathered himself. "But, but, but… that's huge! Why so big?"

"It's possible its size is partly a matter of intimidation, but the primary reason is simply a matter of engineering. It takes a lot of directed energy to blow up a planet, even with kyber crystal amplification."

790 rolled a little closer. "Are you saying this Death Star blows up planets through a brute-force application of energy?"

"That's my understanding, yes."

790 rolled its eyes and snorted. "How utterly primitive!"

The Viceroy raised his eyebrows in a brief show of surprise. "Interesting. How does the Lexx blow up planets?"

"In simple terms even an idiot can understand," said 790 as it glanced over at Stanley, "the Lexx fires a contained negative energy wave that disrupts and neutralizes a planet's gravity. The disruption doesn't last long, but it doesn't have to. With no gravity to hold it together, the massive amounts of stored heat energy inside the planet's core does the rest, tearing the planet apart from the inside out. The fact that it's also really good at blowing up ships is just a side effect."

"That would still require a significant amount of energy," Organa said somewhat skeptically.

"Yes, which is why it's really good at blowing up ships, but it's a fraction of the power output required for your Death Star. Because the Lexx uses a planet's own heat energy against itself, it's actually easier to blow up big planets than small ones. Hardest of all are planetoids and moons with low gravity and cold cores. Those mostly crack into large chucks that will eventually pull back together into a loose pile after a few millennia."

"Hey, slow down!" said Stanley as he looked wide-eyed at 790. "Are you saying the Death Star can hurt the Lexx?"

"Oh yeah—big time. There's no way to defend against something like that, other than to run like hell and hope they miss."

Stanley threw up his hands. "Okay, that's it. I don't care how involved we find ourselves—we're not going to tangle with the Death Star."

The Viceroy smiled. "The Death Star isn't finished. The Emperor has been pushing hard, but our experts estimate it will be anywhere from ten to twenty months before it's ready. Today it's vulnerable, but it has been too heavily guarded for us to even consider a preemptive strike—until now."

Stanley nodded his comprehension. "Ah, so that's what you want us to do? Get rid of this Death Star for you?"

"Simply put—yes, but we still need to plan this out."

Stanley shrugged. "What's to plan? Look, the Empire still doesn't have a clue about the Lexx's true nature, right? They probably have all their defenses around the Death Star, right?"

"Yes, it's in a heavily defended orbit, but—"

"In orbit around a planet? Even better! All we have to do is fly in from the opposite side where defenses are minimal, blow up the planet, and the Death Star is toast! Easy peasy." Stanley grinned, pleased with himself.

The Viceroy sighed and shook his head. "If we start blowing up planets, we're no better than they are! The idea is to destroy the Death Star, not an entire planetary ecosystem along with who knows how many millions of prisoners and forced-labor workers garrisoned on the planet itself."

Stanley rolled his eyes and sighed in frustration. "And now my hands are tied."

790 rocked back and forth in agitation. "I'm forced to agree with the Supremely Stupid One. This is war—not a tea party! Just blow up the planet and be done with it!"

The Viceroy could feel a headache coming on. "And here I thought some of my staff's suggestions were extreme. It's not an all-out shooting war yet. If there's any chance of keeping it from becoming one, that is my preference."

Bail paused and took in a deep breath before continuing. "Let's table this discussion for now. In the meantime, I've been informed a sample of bacta is available for your analysis, 790. There are people here who want to speak to you, Stanley, and I need to return to the capital. Oh, and Stanley?"

"Yes?"

"Another suggestion from my staff. Right now the Lexx is in low orbit. Can you please move it out to a geostationary orbit over our capital city, Aldera? That will not only simplify secure tight-beam communications directly to the royal palace, but a high orbit means you won't be pinned in place if an Imperial fleet makes a sudden appearance."

"Yeah, good idea," said Stanley.

790 snorted. "Plus, if ships start blowing up, a high orbit means you have years to clean up debris before it hits the ground. Gotta go do some testing." 790 rolled off the bridge.

The Viceroy grinned. "I have no doubt that was a consideration too," he said to Stanley as Kitten and Lillie entered the bridge. "I must take my leave." With that, he turned and headed off to his shuttle.

Lillie skipped up to Stanley and gave him a hug. "Miss me?" she said with a smile.

"It's only been a few minutes," grumbled Stanley. He saw Lillie's flash of disappointment. "But sometimes," he quickly added, "even a few minutes can feel like a lifetime." Lillie brightened up as he put his arm around her.

"Kitten? Or should I call you something else?" asked Stanley as he nodded to Doctor Kitt.

"Kitten is fine," Doctor Kitt replied with a smile as she looked around. "This is the bridge? I have to say, this looks nothing like what I would expect of a ship's control center. Where are the controls? The bridge stations? The personnel?"

Stanley smiled. "Well, that's the thing about big bugs I suppose—it eliminates all of that. All I have to do is give the Lexx a general command and it will carry it out. Speaking of, I need to change orbits, so let me show you how it's done!"

Stanley hopped up onto the pilot stand and waved his hand. "Lexx?" he said with a smile and flourish.

Nothing happened.

"That's odd," Stanley muttered to himself and tried again. "Lexx?" He waved his hand through space. "Lexx?" he said with increasing desperation as he waved his hand over and over.

Still nothing.

A realization struck Stanley. He stepped down and sat abruptly on the raised platform. "No no no no no! Not again!"

"What's wrong?" Lillie asked as she sat down beside him.

Stanley leaned over and put his face in his hands, resting elbows on knees, a feeling of dread in his stomach. "The Lexx can only be commanded by a person with the key," he said through his hands. "I had the key, but it must have transferred to someone else last night."

Doctor Kitt frowned. "I don't recall seeing a key. I can call down to the brothel and see if anything has been turned in."

Stanley looked up and shook his head. "It's not that kind of key. It's this…" he paused, waving his hands, "…this metaphysical light blob thing. Normally it will transfer to a new person if the holder is about to die, but extreme emotion can cause it to transfer as well."

"Wouldn't we have noticed something like that?" Kitten asked somewhat skeptically.

Stanley looked up and grinned. "Well, we were all otherwise preoccupied at the time."

"Hold on," Lillie said as she leaned into Stanley. He looked up and found himself nose to nose with Lillie. "Are you saying hot sex makes the key transfer?"

"Well, yes. Yes it can."

Lillie jumped back up and laughed out loud. "Interesting way to get a key!" she said with a big grin.

"Right, so the question now is, who has the key?" said Kitten as she ignored Lillie's levity. "Anyone from last night might have it now, correct? Could I have the key? Or Ginger? Lillie? One of her sisters?"

Stanley paused to think. "Those are the most likely possibilities."

"Well, let's start with me. How do we test for the key?" said Kitten.

Stanley stood up. "Just get up here," he said as he pointed to the pilot stand, "and wave your right hand approximately here."

Doctor Kitt got into position. "Like this?" she said as she waved her hand.

"Exactly, but since nothing is happening, you don't have the key. Lillie? Your turn."

As Lillie stepped up on the stand, a holographic palm print appeared in the air.

"At least now we don't have to bring your sisters up to the ship," Kitten commented dryly.

Lillie stood frozen in place. "What do I do?" she said in a small voice.

"Wave your hand through the palm print and say, 'Hi.'"

Lillie hesitantly swatted at the palm print and was rewarded with a warbling tone. The palm print vanished.

"Hello?" she said uncertainly.

"Hello, Captain," the Lexx replied.

A look of astonishment crossed Lillie's face. She glanced at Stanley. "What now?" she whispered.

"Introduce yourself," Stanley prompted.

"Ah…. Hi. Lexx? My name is Lillie."

"Hello, Captain Lillie."

Lillie practically leapt off the platform towards Stanley. "This is crazy! I can't be a ship's pilot, or captain, or whatever you call it."

Stanley wrapped her in a hug. "Shh, shh. It's going to be okay," he said gently. "But right now, I need you to change the Lexx's orbit to a geostationary position over Aldera."

"But I don't know the first thing about orbits!"

"Neither do I, but don't let that stop you. Just tell the Lexx what you want and it will do the rest."

Reluctantly, Lillie climbed back on to the pilot station and waved her hand through the palm print. "How should I say it?"

Stanley nodded encouragement. "Like this: Lexx, change orbit to a geostationary position above Aldera."

"Lexx, can you do what Stanley just said?"

"What is Aldera, Lillie?"

Lillie looked at Stanley with wide eyes. "Do I have to tell it what a city is?"

Stanley shook his head. "Lexx, just go to a geostationary orbit that puts you above, or at least in range of, the largest city on the planet."

"What he said, Lexx."

"As you command, Lillie."

The Lexx began to gain altitude. The bridge screen showed the view ahead.

"Look at that! It's actually happening!" Lillie said as she jumped with excitement.

"Ah, Lillie?" Kitten said as she pointed at the screen. "Aren't we getting a little too close to those other ships?"

Ahead, ships began emergency maneuvers to get out of the way. Other ships had engines shut down for maintenance and were unable to respond. Collision alert warnings flooded Alderaan Traffic Control, who struggled to manage multiple impending disasters.

"Oh no!" Lillie jumped back up on the platform. "Lexx! Take it slow and plot a course to avoid collisions with other ships, yeah?"

"As you command, Lillie." The Lexx reduced speed and banked away from a few near collisions, much to the relief of everyone.

Lillie sagged back in the command platform. "Phew, that was close. This thing takes its commands pretty literally, doesn't it?" she said as she stepped back down.

"That it does," Stanley replied with a grin.

Lillie walked up to Stanley and wrapped her arms around him in a hard hug. "This is too much. I really don't want to be in charge of your ship." She let go, stepped back and gave Stanley a wry smile. "You ready for a key swap?"

Stanley sighed. "As much as I'd like to, after last night and this morning I'm not up for it yet, and besides, an Imperial fleet could show up any time. We need to stay on the bridge."

"And there's the matter of Ginger, which is why I came here," said Doctor Kitt. "Does anyone know where she is?"

As Ginger lay on the bed, she looked back and forth expectantly at the two security men. In that moment, the idea of killing them both and wearing their skins kept growing in her head—an idea she determinedly rejected. She considered again what that droid-head-on-a-cart, 790, said—that her weird dreams about cannibalism and other horrific things were the implanted memories of another person from another dimension.

"I'm not insane," she whispered to herself. "It's just an echo of a dead person. It's not me. She can't hurt me. I'm not insane."

"Sorry, what was that?" said the first guard, uncertain if Ginger was speaking to them or not.

"I have a ration bar," said the second guard brightly as he offered it to Ginger.

Ginger snatched the ration bar out of his hand, tore off the packaging and bit into it. She wasn't so much hungry as needing an eating distraction from terrible eating thoughts. As she chewed, the violent urge to kill faded away. She started to feel herself again.

"Wow, you really are hungry," commented the second guard. The two guards glanced at each other, slight smiles on their faces.

"Thanks," said Ginger after she swallowed. "That was a real life-saver." She gave them a toothy smile, thankful they had no idea how true that was.

"Team-7 to base," the second guard tried again. He shook his head and sighed. "I'm not getting anywhere with this."

Ginger stood up. "Hey guys, I think I know the way to the bridge from here. If you need me to show you the way…." She paused to take another bite.

The first guard smiled. "Thanks, but our orders are to report back to the landing bay if we lose communications. Are you sure you'll be all right?"

"Hmm," Ginger managed as she chewed and nodded her head. She gave a thumbs-up.

The two guards nodded in unison. "Very well. Take care."

"I will," Ginger called as they left. She heaved a sigh, sat back down on the circular bed and looked at her surroundings. She noticed a pair of women's boots off to one side. The sight triggered another memory.

"Zev," Ginger said to herself. "This must be Zev's room. I wonder where she is?" She thought about heading for the bridge, but was feeling stressed and wanted to be alone. "I'll just close my eyes for a minute," she thought to herself as she lay back. She was soon fast asleep.

On the bridge, Major Bail passed on word that Ginger was last seen in a room with a round bed. With his improvised map of the Lexx handy, he agreed to escort Kitten to that room to check on Ginger.

Stanley paced about nervously, glancing at the view screen from time to time. Lillie sat on the pilot platform, elbows resting on her knees, her chin resting on top of her hands, simultaneously bored and anxious thanks to Stanley's pacing.

"Look," Lillie finally said. "We're alone now. If you don't want to leave the bridge, why don't we just do it here?"

"What?" replied Stanley. He came to a startled stop and looked at Lillie, wondering if she was being serious.

"I mean, why not?" she said. "You have nervous energy, and I need a break from watching you wear a trench in the floor."

Stanley was saved from responding when 790 rolled onto the bridge. "Don't just stand there with your mouth hanging open, Tweedle—get the Viceroy on the line. We need to talk."

Stanley folded his arms. "What about?"

790 rolled its eyes. "And here I thought you were worried about an imminent attack, but if you want to drag things out by having me explain everything twice, I'm good with that."

"Fine." Stanley looked at Lillie and gave her a wave.

"Oh, right!" Lillie said. She stood up and waved her hand through the holoprint. "Lexx? Please contact Viceroy Organa at the palace in Aldera."

"As you command, Lillie."

Lillie grinned at Stanley. "Wow! Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine me placing a call to Prince Organa, the Viceroy of Alderaan!"

790 rolled back and forth in surprise and narrowed its eyes. "You mean sugar tits here is the captain now? This is going to be fun!"

"I'm not the captain," replied Lillie, "I just have the key—and for the record, you're a rude little droid!"

"Darling, I'm sure Tweedle didn't explain this to you, but she who has the key is the captain!"

"As far as I'm concerned, I'm the pilot. Stanley is still the captain!"

At that moment, the viewscreen switched to a display showing Viceroy Bail Organa at a conference table with a scattering of people around it.

"I've completed my analysis of the bacta you sent," 790 began without preamble. "It holds promise, but the sample is too dilute to substitute for protoblood. I'll require a proper sample to confirm, but in my opinion only pure, uncut bacta concentrate will do for Kai."

Stanley held up his hand at the screen to stop a reply from the Viceroy. "Are you saying it's no good?"

790 rocked back and forth in agitation. "For its intended purpose, it's very good at what it does—a cure-all for almost every injury imaginable. In fact, we should stock a supply on board for Xev. But as a protoblood substitute? Based on my sample, no, it doesn't have near enough 'juice' to keep Kai going."

"If I may interject?" Bail Organa said from the view screen, his annoyance with Stanley only showing slightly. "My people came to a similar conclusion. The sample we gave you is standard medical-grade bacta used throughout the galaxy. We don't have anything stronger, but I have it on good authority the Vratix, the inventors of bacta, have a closely guarded reformulation that is far more potent than anything available on the open market."

"Okay, so can we get that?" Stanley asked.

Bail smiled. "Officially, no. Access is strictly controlled. Export of their 'superbacta'—or 'protobacta' if you prefer—is forbidden. But, they do overproduce to cover emergencies, and some of that surplus winds up on the black market controlled by the Hutt Cartel—a crime syndicate."

"A crime syndicate? Hey you know, at one point we had this idea we could become smugglers. Maybe we should contact these Hutt people and make a deal?"

Stanley paused. "What?" he said as he saw Bail shake his head.

"It's not that simple. The Hutt Cartel only works with people they trust, it takes years to gain that trust, and we can't simply order a large supply in one go. A sudden surge in demand could easily cause the whole supply chain to collapse when bribed officials are forced to take notice. Better, then, to place many small purchases through multiple buyers spread over several months.

"On top of that, the Cartel has dealings with the Empire as well as the Alliance, which means treading very carefully. If you approach them directly, or if they get wind the superbacta is for you, they would sell you out to the Empire in a heartbeat. It's not personal—it's business. Let us handle the transactions for you."

"And in exchange for acquiring this protobacta?" said 790. "Keep in mind my overly generous Xev is already going above and beyond for you!"

"I haven't forgotten." Bail looked around his conference table before turning back to the screen. "We have not yet reached a final decision about the Death Star."

Bail held up his hand to forestall a new round of heated debate. "But there's another, more immediate concern. We have received numerous intelligence briefs, and they all report the same thing. Across much of the galaxy, the Empire has been pulling ships from routine patrols. It confirms what we suspected; that the Empire is assembling one of the largest fleets ever seen to go after you."

Stanley gulped. "Oh, great," he groaned, and managed to look even more worried than before.

"Yes, it is great," Bail replied, intentionally ignoring Stanley's misgivings. "The Empire is distracted. This gives the Alliance an unprecedented opportunity to regroup and recruit. All you have to do is keep the Empire busy by leading them on a merry chase around the galaxy."

"What about that 'group protection' you talked about earlier?"

Bail shook his head. "Sorry, for this to work you have to appear to be on your own."

Stanley snorted. "Nothing new there. So basically, we help you by running away?"

"Ha!" 790 chimed in. "A task perfectly suited to Tweedle!"

"That's the essence of it, yes," replied Bail. "There are details to work out. Right now, you are the biggest target in the galaxy. For example, I strongly advise you to never return to Dagobah; it's being watched. When the time comes, I'll make pickup arrangements for your missing shipmate and you can meet up here in the Alderaan system."

"What about all the people you have on board the Lexx?" Stanley asked.

"I've already issued a recall order. Only those who have your express permission will be permitted to remain on board. As soon as everyone has disembarked, I suggest you begin your grand tour of the galaxy. No need to wait for the Imperial fleet to show up here."

"Sir?" said Lillie in a small, hesitant voice. "Begging your pardon, but what will happen to Alderaan?"

Bail leaned over in consultation before responding. He gave Lillie a politician's calculated smile. "Lillie, is it? Not to worry; we have it in-hand. In spite of recent events, Alderaan is still a member in good standing in the Imperial Senate. The fleet admiral may make a lot of noise, but that's all he'll dare do. After all," he said with his hands spread wide. "Alderaan is a planet of peace."

"Now," said Bail as he clasped his hands together. "Shall we get started on the details?"