AKA something longer (3k words). Tags: Humor
"Thank you for agreeing to be my lab assistant for these experiments, Miss Luxanna." The voice of a very preoccupied Heimerdinger rises above the turmoil of a hundred bubbling containers and smoking contraptions of every kind.
"It is my honor, Heimy. After all, we both know that very few people inside the Institute's walls share our passion for science." Lux replies without pausing in her stirring of a half-empty testing tube. The blonde Demacian's simple white lab coat giving the cheerful young woman an air of seriousness that terribly conflicted with the playful attitude of goodhearted goofiness that Lux usually exhibited.
"Once again you are correct, Miss Crownguard. Remind me to research your family tree after today's experiment has been concluded. With the bright mind you so undoubtedly possess you just might be of Piltovian descent, or more realistically speaking a half-Piltovian, my dear Luxanna."
Lux simply smiles at the Revered Inventor's rare praise, flipping switches and turning on more clanking machines as she moves towards a small table near the center of Heimerdinger's personal laboratory.
"Speaking of descents, Heimer.. shouldn't these values be decreasing instead of multiplying exponentially like so?" Lux mutters thoughtfully as she skims through a long paper ribbon of printed numbers ceaselessly escaping from the side of a softly humming hex-tech printing machine. "I thought that today's experiment was the creation of a special pheromone that repels bullies. With numbers like these, however, the resulting concoction might as well attract the violent delinquents instead."
Heimerdinger smiles at his clever colleague widely, even though the Revered Inventor knows that Lux won't be able to tell behind all the hair and fur covering his fuzzy face. "Yes, yes, I know that. You are entirely correct, indeed! The initial purpose of the experiment was to create a repelling agent, but yesterday's test proved that our formula was wrong! And thus, we need to start from the very beginning and create attraction before we discover a way to turn it into repulsion and drive away the bullies!"
Luxanna nods her head, minutely pausing to fix the reading glasses that have somehow appeared at the bridge of her nose a few crumbling sentences ago. The intelligent young light mage then walks next to Heimerdinger with the printed document still in her hand.
"I am forced to agree with this course of action, Heimy. Although I would suggest a slight decrease in the (insert plausible scientific mumbo-jumbo) We want to attract the bullies, not mesmerize them-"
The ear-piercing screech of bending metal rudely interrupts the blonde Demacian's musings as the hollow steel box of a hanging air duct unceremoniously falls on top of a nearby table. The two scientists blink owlishly at the collapsed piece of metal, two pairs of eyebrows furrowing in thought when a pained moan abruptly escapes from the great rectangular steel frame of the duct.
"F-fuck!" The sentient air duct groans in pain once more, the sudden appearance of five feminine fingers clutching at the edge of said air duct also adding to the two dumfounded scientists' confusion.
"Argh, my head! My fucking head! This is the last time I take orders from freaking Swain!" Katarina curses and bickers as the Sinister Blade of Noxus crawls on all fours out of the severed air duct's frame. "Why can't the dumb bird-fucker send Talon instead? Sion's Axe, even my snake of a sister is more suitable for crawling inside narrow spaces and dark holes than I am!"
Katarina momentary closes her eyes once more as she uses one palm to nurse her stinging temple. "Fuuuuck, my head, my poor, fucking heaaa-" Twin emerald orbs then snap open, and the bickering redheaded assassin finally takes note of the room's other two occupants. "-d?" The Sinister Blade finishes lamely. Katarina's previously wet angry orbs instantly widen in sudden realization of her being discovered.
"Ehm... Happy Snowdown?" The fiery redheaded assassin tries uncertainly as she attempts to morph her usually scowling facial features into a poor imitation of an innocent jolly expression.
Heimerdinger pauses, takes out his glasses and then starts wiping them with sudden zeal. The tense moments tick by as the fragile fake smile worn on Katarina's anxious visage slowly starts crumbling. Luxanna's eyes are still rapidly darting between the redheaded Noxian assassin in front of her and the gaping hole of the ruined air duct above them.
"Happy Snowdown!" Katarina repeats again while taking advantage of the Revered Inventor being occupied with cleaning his glasses to jump off the broken table and start slowly inching towards the lab's door.
"Happy Snowdown, Katarina." Absentmindedly replies Lux as Heimerdinger puts his glasses back on at last. The yellow yordle scientist's eyes narrowing threateningly when Katarina doesn't magically disappear like the occasional speck of dust smudged against his glass lenses. Then...
"There is an intruder!" Heimerdinger bellows while pointing at a sweatdroping Katarina Du Couteau. Lux simply nods her head in acknowledgement, although admittedly, the yordle scientist's cry serves to help the blonde mage finally snap out of her shock induced daze.
"Intruder! Intruders! Spies! Company espionage! Cheap Zaunite cable hexa-vision!" Heimerdinger exclaims in a paroxysm of indignation while activating the lab's automatic defenses. Katarina takes that as her cue to make a run for the exit, throwing all subtleties aside. Mere seconds later the lab's rotating laser guns unleash a devastating barrage of cataclysmic proportions, disintegrating delicate machinery and puncturing the lab's reinforced steel walls alike. The Sinister Blade has to Shunpo from table to table like mad just so she doesn't suffer the same fate as Heimerdinger's ruined equipment.
"Has she built full cooldown reduction?" Lux voices amidst the ensuing chaos of the redhead assassin frantically teleporting around the room and diving behind heavy counters. The petite light mage being truly intrigued by the answer to her question as she calmly observes Katarina desperately running for her life, rolling and lunging around the lab like a spooked cat that has also caught fire.
"That wouldn't explain Miss Du Couteau's impressive movement speed burst." Heimerdinger observes, seemingly unconcerned by the rampant laser turrets annihilating the very research they were created to safeguard in the first place.
"A new mastery, then?" Lux deduces as Katarina combat rolls underneath a low metal table near the exit, only to instantly Shunpo away with a startled scream when a net of scorching hot red laser beams abruptly materializes in front of the lab's entrance, barring the assassin's way to freedom.
"A very unbalanced mastery that needs to be nerfed ASAP." Heimerdinger agrees with an annoyed huff. Lux and the Revered Inventor nonchalantly examine Katarina as the frustrated spy desperately performs parkour feats that woud make Talon proud.
"Hey, Heimer?" Lux draws the short, furry man's attention after a while when the laser turrets still haven't managed to terminate the dexterous Noxian spy, in contrast with terminating most of the lab's expensive equipment, of course. Katarina's panting and the redhead's breathless and angry groans echoing loudly in the background.
"Hmm?"
Some complicated sorting machinery abruptly explodes scattering glass canisters across the room. Mere seconds later the glass shards are set alight.
"Would you like some tea?"
"Two sugars and a spoonful of honey, please." The Revered Inventor replies, prompting a nod from his taller blonde-haired colleague. Lux then walks away and starts mixing chemicals in a long testing tube. Where else did you think that scientists kept their sugar?
/
"T- *huff* That's enough *Huff* f-fooling around!" Katarina heatedly growls against Luxanna's ear with a throwing knife pressed against the light mage's throat and an abundance of sweat beads slipping down the redheaded assassin's purplish-red cheeks.
"You dirty immoral Noxian!" Heimerdinger quickly exclaims in sheer outrage at his beloved lab assistant being threatened in front of his eyes. "Resolving in taking a hostage when things don't go your way! Why, if I was twenty -no! Ten years younger I would have-"
"Zip your mouth, Pops!" Katarina snarls at the angry short yordle. "Now give me the important science stuff, or blondie here gets it!"
"How dare you! Y-you.. you uncivilized primordial moniker of a human being! You vile negative sum in Anniestein's beautiful equations!"
Luxanna whimpers when the sharp edge of the assassin's throwing knife is pressed even tighter against her vulnerable neck. Heimerdinger visibly panics.
"Fine! Fine, you monstrous, evil being!" The big-headed yordle whines as Heimerdinger hastily approaches a locked hex-tech vault. The Revered Inventor then shoves his entire head into a hair-do recognition system and the sealed vault opens. Katarina's eyes instantly light up with greed and smug satisfaction. She intently watches the furry scientist carefully as the liliputian researcher pulls the first item out of the humongous safe.
"There, here's the formula for Jayce's tooth whitener," Heimerdinger sobs as he dumps a stack of papers into a shopping cart nearby. "Now brutish Noxian scum will have our hero's award-winning smile!" *Sniff* *Sniff*
"...What?" Katarina slowly mutters perplexed.
"And here's Orianna's poetry written in 01 code!" The lilliputian scientist continues as he dumps some more useless notes on top of the first overflowing pile of papers. "Vi's lucky pink sock, Caitlyn's second top hat that also doubles as a Styrofoam cup holder.. Ezreal's custom-made map shredder..." More and more seemingly everyday eccentricities and mundane things are dumped inside the shopping cart one after another. "Take all of them you heinous bandit!"
"Wait, that's it?" Seethingly growls Katarina when Heimerdinger stops stacking the shopping cart high with old items and useless junk. The fiery assassin's temper quickly flaring at full force once more. "This is a classified lab that is testing technology from all over Piltover! Where are the hex-tech rifles? The power armors? The 3-ton pulse bombs?! Where are the lightsabers and the stuff that's actually useful for killing?!" Hisses the Du Couteau noble angrily.
"In Jinx's wish list?" Wonders Lux unconcerned.
"Underneath Ziggs' Snowdown tree, or under his pillow, or hidden inside his freezer?" Hazards a guess, Heimerdinger.
"Arghh! Fuckin-" Screams Katarina as she starts dragging her blonde hostage towards the door. "You're telling me that I nearly died for the premium toothpaste of a self-important douchebag and the philosophical musings of a dumb robot?!"
"Vi's lucky sock too," Heimerdinger helpfully reminds the seething assassin. "Oh! And Ezreal's shredder, Caitlyn's hat, Camille's ballet shoes that she can't wear anymore, Blitzcrank's favorite swimsuit-"
"Un-fucking-believable!" Dejectedly mutters the Sinister Blade as she stops a few steps away from the scarlet net of deadly laser beams that are barring the door. "Anyway, deactivate the lasers in front of the exit, and the other traps you have no doubt left laying around, or Luxy here will lose the ability to laugh. Permanently!"
"H-Heimer, please do whatever she wants!" Luxanna croaks with Katarina's sharp throwing knife still pressed against her soft throat.
But the Revered Inventor seems to hesitate with his finger hovering undecidedly above a giant green button. (Since red buttons are too cliché and green needs its chance to show what it is made of. The green color is made by mixing yellow and blue paint if you were wondering, by the way.)
"So, what you are telling me is that Miss Luxanna won't be able to use her.. er.. unique laughing frequency as a means to methodically aggravate and simultaneously mentally torture her very unfortunate lane opponents?" The short furry man ponders aloud while rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
"Heimer!" Lux squeals, eliciting a pained twitch from both the Revered Inventor and the redheaded assassin behind her back that's presently holding her at knifepoint.
"I was simply attempting to negotiate the terms of your release, my dear child." Heimerdinger states as he deactivates the scarlet laser net that's preventing Katarina's escape. The pint-sized scientist purposefully averting his eyes from those of his visibly frustrated blonde-haired lab assistant.
"Miss Du Couteau has already proven how despicable of an individual she is by taking you for a hostage, Lux. There is no telling what deprived and sick sexual acts she will force upon you after you two step outside of the safety of this here chamber."
"Hey! I am not a pervert, you rat!" Katarina snarls hotly against Lux's ear as she tightens her hold on the stuttering and blushing young girl.
"Mhmm, that's why you can't keep your hands away from Lux, even though we are currently in the middle of an important conversation right now..." The Revered Inventor has the audacity to wink his bushy eyebrows suggestively at the fearsome Noxian spy. Luxanna's initially faint blush rapidly intensifying as the nervous Lady of Luminosity begins shifting awkwardly inside Katarina's aggressive embrace.
"I can't keep my hands off the stupid goody-two-shoes because she is my hostage, you damn idiot!" Katarina exclaims shrilly as the now frothing Noxian aristocrat finally manages to clear the lab's door and step one foot outside.
"Sure, sure. I am totally buying that." Heimer then turns to stare at Lux with solemn and defeated, very pitiable eyes. "Just stay strong my beloved brilliant colleague! Be brave and stay hopeful of someday escaping Miss Katarina's abhorrent sex dungeon. No matter how many years you will be locked in there in the complete mercy of this vile woman."
Having ascended into a higher plane of unadulterated rage and being too infuriated and exasperated to still be in a position to utter anything other than low animalistic snarls, the Sinister Blade of Noxus opts to just drag Lux away from the lab and Heimerdinger. Completely ignoring the young light mage's cries for help and Luxanna's frantic pleas to have mercy on her and to 'not make her pregnant'…
'Typical Demacians,' Katarina thinks darkly inside her pounding head 'Their cowardly nobles are so busy preaching about righteousness and just causes that they don't even explain to their own offsprings about the wounds and the daggers!'
"Heimy! Heimy! Please, help me! I don't want to end up in Katarina's terrible sex dungeon! I don't want to have Katarina's babies!" Desperately yells in sheer terror the frightened young Crownguard as Lux helplessly outstretches her arms towards the small fuzzy form of Piltover's greatest living scientist. Luxanna's hands grasping desperately for the furry man's arms as if Heimerdinger was Lux's long-lost papa.
"Just shut up and move! And for fuck's sake stop talking about my sex dungeon!" Growls Katarina under her breath, the redheaded assassin being so focused in dragging her screaming hostage towards the Noxian wing that she doesn't notice the wetness of Heimerdinger's bully-attracting formula drenching the back of her leather jacket. The potent chemicals having previously drenched the Noxian spy's clothes as Katarina was attempting to escape the onslaught of laser beams being fired her way.
"Wait! So the sex dungeon actually exists!? Heimer! Heimer, I am not ready to become a mom yet. Heimy, please save me!"
/
Inside the Institute's busy Mess Hall three yordle champions are peacefully eating their supper.
"Hey, could you pass me the salt?" One of the short furry creatures murmurs. Another yordle answers him with a nod and the saltshaker is pushed forward across the table. A feminine scared scream can faintly be heard ringing from the adjacent corridor. Every single champion present merely ignores it.
"Thanks, Tris." Teemo is in the process of sprinkling salt and pepper over his stew when the Swift Scout suddenly freezes and sniffs at the air confusedly. "Hey, can you guys smell that?"
"Smell what?" Rumble's whiney voice questions suspiciously. "Did you just pass gas or something, man?" But before Teemo can mouth his reply Tristana's nostrils are also flaring rapidly.
"I think I can smell it, too." The yordle gunner quips. Teemo is already pushing his bowl away, reaching for something underneath the table.
"Well, what is it?" Rumble sounds uncertain, especially when he notices Teemo producing a spiked baseball bat from under the white tablecloth.
"I don't know what it is," Tristana lowly states as she slowly puts on a black ski mask. "But it is making me angry."
Rumble takes a good look at his two friends standing up and proceeds to hide his face inside his palms, before releasing a long and tired sigh. "I will go get the acid."