'When he is a Baka and a pervert.' A short story from a collection of one shots focused around frequently encountered manga and anime tropes and stereotypes.

The marketplace with its numerous stalls and vibrant crowds was a familiar hunting ground for him. The guardsmen usually ignored him until it was too late. A small smirk twitches on Talon's lips when he spots his target conversing with a sleazy-looking carpet seller who's missing more than a few teeth. Talon moves swiftly, closing the distance between him and his target. Adrenaline spikes as the assassin produces a dagger, intending to burry it into the general's turned back.

Talon's character collapses to the ground, an arrow lodged in his chest. The marketplace fades, the screen turning pitch black. The mocking text stares back at his bloodshot eyes.

'Game over'

"Damn archers." Talon murmurs as he sets down his game controller, sparing a glance at the flickering numbers of the clock. "Eight in the morning? But it was only two just an hour ago."

Talon turns around to examine the shutters of his window, the only source of light in his messy bedroom save for the subdued flare of his Hextv screen. Surprisingly enough, there are crispy lines of blinding gold stretching between the boards of the shutters. A hint to a bright new world existing just outside of the dimly lit room far more interesting than junk food and Talon's video games. An easter egg that Talon will have to uncover at another time, unfortunately.

The assassin grunts as he shuts down his gaming system and sets his alarm clock to wake him up in three hours from now. He and Draven are gonna raid Lord Mordekaiser's castle for exclusive banners and cringy emotes around twelve o'clock and Talon promises himself to watch Sona's stream before that, if he wakes up on time that is.

Ready for some well-earned rest Talon jumps on the bed with his bladed cape still on and throws a soft blanket over his body. He closes his dry, bloodshot eyes, smiles a bit and nearly has a heart attack when his adopted sibling burst in the room the following moment.

"Wakey, wakey, sweet little brother of mine!" Katarina sing-songs, kicking away empty bottles of Targon Dew and crushing packages of Doran Triangles under her feet in an attempt to reach the window.

"Kat no!" Talon tries to warn her, but she ignores him. She tags at the cord at the side of the window and lifts the shutters, bathing the room in the unholy radiance of the morning sun.

"Gaaaah, it buuurns!" Talon screeches like a scared bat, covering his eyes that haven't witnessed sunlight for a couple of days now. Katarina simply stares at him disapprovingly, her arms crossed in front of her chest as she inspects the filthy bedroom.

Her narrowed eyes take in the sights of movie posters decorating the walls, thrillers like 'Anacoda Unleashed', 'Serpents on the plane' and a smaller poster of the cartoonish snake from Mogly for some reason, smoking weed. Then, there are the glass cages with Talon's pet snakes, the only items that look well-taken care of in the messy bedroom. The snakes stare back at the redhead, flickering their tongues and Kat peels her eyes off them to examine Talon's collection of magical girl figurines. Why is Star Guardian Lux showing her panties?

"This has to stop," Katarina frowns at her big brother. She isn't supposed to be the mature one here, Knife-damnit! But Cassiopeia is at Shurima doing Swain knows what, and her father went out to buy cigarettes five years ago and has yet to return back home.

"Staying couped up in here all day long, playing video games and eating trash. You need to live your life a little, bro." Katarina scowls at the other assassin that is currently crawling under the bed to escape the cursed sunlight.

"Have you killed anyone recently?" Katarina taps her foot on the floor as she regards the shadow shifting under the mattress.

Talon pauses, he scratches his chin with his armblade cutting himself in the process. "In Call of Noxus?" He finally asks.

"In real life you doofus!" Kat cant help but lash out at her idiot brother, kicking an empty can of Red Ali his way.

"Then no, I haven't killed anyone recently. Peace is bad for business." He drawls and Katarina can only agree with this assertion.

"What about your love life? How many women have you slept with this week? We have to keep up a quota as sex symbols in this family, you know."

"Kat!" Talon stammers under the bed. Katarina rolls her eyes at her idiot brother's shyness.

"Talon, just answer the question." She sighs. Why didn't he grow up a manipulative nympho like Cassie? When did she go wrong?

"Are we counting VR games and teabagging?" Talon inquires tentatively.

Katarina takes a short breath to calm her nerves. "No" She replies, already thinking of all the people she will have to cut and fuck to feel better after this conversation.

"None then" He admits quietly and Katarina sighs as she walks up to him and sits on the bed on top of him. She ignores Talon's moan of pain when the mattress sinks lower.

"We've been through this before, Talon. It is easy, you find a girl you like, you take her away from other people and you stick your sword into her. Do you want to practice with me until you get it right? I would normally ask Cassie to show you since she is the slut in the family, but she is away right now, so I will let you stab me with your sword j-just this once." The redhead says with a faint blush, trying to keep her voice steady. This is her chance to seduce her dense brother that she has a crush on. They are going to marry afterwards and stab people together.

"No thanks, Kat," Talon smiled under the mattress, lifting an arm under the bed to squeeze his sister's hand gently, "I'm saving myself for my dream girl. Also, who the fuck is Cassie?" Was that the Kat that used big words and couldn't throw knives for shit? The one that accidently kept entering his private bathroom while he was showering, every-single-day?

Katarina sniffles quietly as she squeezes Talon's hand. She had tried her best to conquer his heart and failed. There was no shame in trying. Three beautiful tears fell from her eyelids as she blinked, concealing her feelings once more. The teardrops glimmered for a moment, suspended in the air by the strength of her love for him, mesmerizing like specs of gold in the dusty room, before they landed on the floor in a silent manner. Talon only noticed the wet spots beside his head.

"Did you just spit at me? Eww!" He commented, eliciting a small laugh from the crying maiden that wiped her eyes.

"Doofus..." Katarina smiled morosely, hiding her heartache, "So what is your dream girl like?" She asked at last. Might as well know what she lacked to be her brother's lover.

Talon remained silent for a few moments as if in deep thought. When he spoke, his voice was tinged with childlike awe and reverence. "She will have a snake tail, any color is fine but I would prefer it if her scales weren't too bright, the texture is important though. She will have the cutest snake eyes and chibi fangs poking out of her lip-"

A loud groan escaped from the female assassin's mouth. "Spare me with your mindless worship of snake-themed monster girls, brother." Katarina said bitterly pulling her hand away from that of her dumb sibling. "You know that those things only exist in the lewd cartoons you watch at night and Ionia, there is no way you will find one here in Noxus. Wake up, bro!"

A panting maid suddenly ran into the room, her face pale in shock and twisted in terror. "Miss Katarina!" She bowed hastily, trembling like a fish tossed ashore. "M-Miss Cassiopeia has returned, y-you have to see her, immediately, Miss!"

Rolling her eyes at her dear sister terrifying the maids first thing in the morning the fiery redhead got up from Talon's bed. Both he and the mattress groaning in relief as she stood up and dusted herself.

"Very well, lead me to her." Katarina ordered the maid that instantly darted out of the room. "Looks like Cassie is finally back, perhaps she will be the one to help you with your swordsmanship training, after all." She teased him.

Talon snorted in reply. "Not unless she has a forked tongue and a snake booty." He smirked excitably.

"In your dreams, brother." Katarina shook her head, following the sounds of the screaming maids to find her dear sister.