'When he knows the secret technique' A short story from a collection of one shots focused around frequently encountered manga and anime tropes and stereotypes. Tags: Dark humor, Teemo, Alistar, Shounen.
"Muhahhhaha! You thought you could defeat me?!" Evil Alistar laughed after he stopped pummeling our hero with his fists. "I am stronger than corrupt politicians in today's world!" He bragged, tossing Teemo away like a discarded soda can.
Our hero's body sailed through the air, slamming into the wall of a crumbling building that crumbled completely when his furry body collided with it. A cloud of dust erupted from the ruins, dense like the beard of a homeless person and twice as obscuring.
"When I am done with demolishing your hometown, I am gonna set fire to the national zoo and spill petrol in the fish tanks of endangered species!" Laughed the villain, his laughter obnoxious, like a married couple having a shouting match in the middle of the night keeping the neighbours awake.
Teemo coughed weakly under the debris of a whorehouse, he tried to clench his fists in anger but realized that his arms were broken. He tried to clench his toes but his legs were busted too. He tried gritting his teeth in frustration but all he could move was his tongue, which he clicked in irritation.
Teeto had to save his beautiful hometown of Drugvile with its beautiful white mountains of fluffy powder, its endless mushrooms of wonder, its breath-taking fields of green weed and life-taking lakes of acid. Teemo also liked the vast forests with their natural pine needles where he grew up, although others didn't manage to follow his example.
Teemo's wet moist muscle darted out of his bloodied mouth in an act of conviction, it slapped the rocks of his concrete prison. Teemo tasted dirt, it tasted like soil but with a less solid texture. He mustered all of his strength until ever so slowly his bleeding head started rising from the ground, curtesy of his last remaining intact body part.
Alistar was pissing inside a mailbox when he heard the pile of rubble shift behind him. He grunted, wiping his hands on his man-skirt before turning around to investigate the disturbance. What he saw shocked him, like an electric flyswapper when you try to see if it works.
His defeated nemesis was crawling out of the rubble using his tongue to approach him, menacingly.
"No! This is impossible!" Alistar bellowed while cupping his cheeks, "Old man Kench told me that he never taught anyone this technique! This must be a lie!" He spat, ropes of saliva flying from his mouth.
"Ununugugnug," Teemo replied without missing a beat, crawling closer every second, "Unununu.. nunununug nugunununug."
Alistar's face drained of colour. "You cant be serious!" He hissed, "There is no way you taught yourself by observing frogs and chameleons for years! You are not that kind of genius! I am!"
And as if to prove that fact, Alistar lifted the yordle from the ground, held it close to his face and attempted to punch it with his tongue.
But another tongue stopped his... Teemo, thinking fast used his own tongue to parry the deadly attack. Alistar's eyes widened in fear, turning the size of toilet bowls. The tongues of the two martial artists struggled for dominance, twitching and twisting, pushing and feinting. The contest of strength continued for long seconds until Teemo's tongue pushed Alistar's back in his mouth. Teemo didn't stop there however, he kept pushing.
The villain's eyes turned the size of bathtubs as our hero kept pushing and pushing. Alistar fell on his knees as he used both of his beefy arms and his tongue to attempt to shove Teemo away from him.
Yet Teeto was stronger. He pushed so hard that he shoved his head into Alistar's open maw and kept descending. The minotaur started chocking as Teemo's torso entered his mouth, his eyes now the size of swimming pools. The yordle roared a battle cry inside its head, which coincidentally was now constricting the villain's airway.
The minotaur choked, powerless against the hero's superior battle technique. Not even the dexterous forked tongue of Lady Cassiopeia could counter the yordle's attack.
Teemo climbed whole inside Alistar's frothing mouth in mere seconds, slippery like an eel and lethal like something poisonous. His tongue, infused with Ki, trembling from the strain of using Heavenly Devil's Diamond Tongue in his current condition. The backlash would be considerable if Teemo didn't end things fast. Hair-thin bleeding lines were already appearing across the struggling red muscle. It was a war of attrition between him and the despicable minotaur.
Alistar turned more purple, like an eggplant emoji. The yordle could only taste blood, the taste clinging to its mouth like the tang of sour milk.
Teeto kept pushing. Alistar's eyes were the size of private beaches now. The yordle's vision was blurry and darkness was creeping at the corners, its body was shutting down.
Teeto
Kept
Pushing!
Minutes later, Teemo dragged himself out of the corpse of Alistar, covered in blood, guts and dairy products. He smiled at the setting sun, its fading rays warming his wet fur. Teemo had defeated the villain, he had saved the day. He was a hero.