Dear Guest- You may have to wait for that answer, but also the answer may not come from Anne, or in the way you are thinking it might. But you will get an explanation of sorts!
Getting to Winnipeg brought back old memories. This time it wasn't my parents dropping me off for summer intensive, not realizing just how things were about to change in a few short weeks. This time I hugged and kissed my daughter multiple times drawing it out as one does.
"Be good for Daddy, don't give him a hard time at suppertime okay?" I say my voice cracking as I crouch down to hug her. "Mommy will see you in a few days?" I tell her.
Was this the first time I was leaving her willingly? I don't think she completely understands that I won't be home until next Saturday.
She nods her head solemnly. "Me eat all my veggies," she says and I shake my head.
"Well, that definitely helps out daddy," I laugh through my tears. I stand up with her in my arms and look at Ken. He presses a kiss to my forehead before he kisses me properly.
"Knock them dead," he whispers. "You got everything?"
I nod my head. I have endless dance things, and two pairs of new pointe shoes for the week, not knowing how many to bring.
"Got all the necessary dance things," I say nodding my head.
"Chargers, pills?" He asks seriously.
"Yes, and my toiletries, I'll be okay Ken. I won't forget or lose them," I tell him quietly. "I'll text you when I get to Toronto."
"If you need anything my parents can help you," Ken reminds me and I nod my head.
I give them both a large hug and both big kisses before grabbing my bags and I go check in at the counter. They watch me go through security and I wave on the other side of the glass window when I do get through without many issues.
I get to Winnipeg late Monday afternoon, I take a cab to the ballet and look around the familiar building. Taking a deep breath and announce myself to reception who calls the person who will help me settle in. I look at the company photo's on the wall, and the merchandise spotting a stuffed teddy bear with a company ribbon on it. I make a mental note to pick that up for Owen before I leave.
"Miss Blythe," I turn at my voice and smile at the woman. "Welcome, Clarence is caught up in something so I will show you around and where you'll be staying."
"Oh thank you," I say.
"Oh, I am Maeve Harvey, Clarence's wife and also artistic staff here," she explains. "I hear it's not your first time here?
"I did summer intensive a few years back?" I say. "Though I doubt you remember that," I told her.
"Not particularly, though I do remember Rebecca going on about someone and how it was a shame that she couldn't talk your parents into letting you join the professional division." She says and my mouth drops slightly out of confession. "When she saw the video, she knew you instantly."
"Someone tried to talk my parents into letting me study ballet? God, that must have been either laughed at or just shot down?" I say rather shocked.
"Well you can ask if she remembers the response," Maeve tells me. "Do you remember much of the building?"
"A little?" I tell her honestly.
"Well we have a new dormitory, so we'll let you bring your bags there and then I will show you around the new building. Move-in is Wednesday, so it might be chaotic, but it also means you'll have the kitchen and dining room at your disposal. We have instructed the kitchen to treat you as a student, so don't worry about costs. Just take what you want, though if you want to get things for yourself or something particular until then, and there is a mini fridge in your room and a small kitchen for you to use "
I nod my head and follow her up the familiar stairs.
It comes back almost like an insult to my memory. The memories of racing down these halls with other girls. Laughing as we picked our leotards from our butts and slip on our shoes without tripping.
"If you need to leave, you can use this card to get in and out of the residence. The closest grocery store and pharmacy are down on Osborne street if you wanted to grab something for things tonight. I just wouldn't walk too late at night downtown of course." She tells me.
"Makes sense," I say.
We go through the rest of the week, where to find the schedule and where I should go tomorrow morning. I call Ken once she leaves and pops in my headphones.
"Well, this is as close to a college dorm as I will ever get to be in," I say to him. "But all settled in, just need to get a few things for meals tomorrow and Wednesday."
"Well, we miss you already," Ken says. "We took Jack for a walk and now it is bath time," he says flipping the camera on Owen who was playing with her bath toys. "Say hi to Mommy Elowen."
"Mommy!" She says reaching for the phone.
"Not in the bathtub," Ken says to her.
I stay on the phone until she's dried off, and tucked into bed. I google map the grocery store and grab my keycard and head out. I manage my way past the old buildings and across a bridge and pick up some food and bus tickets as well for the ride back. I spend the rest of the night making use of the studio that was off the cafeteria for myself. I hoped I was in good enough shape to keep up. I have tried my best to stretch every morning and night but it was not always something I managed these days.
I call Ken once more when I get home, wanting to hear his voice. I don't tell him anything about what I learned about my parents. I don't dwell on the what if's right now. I can't if I want to keep the right head space.
I arrive early, but not early enough to be the only one there. A few look at me, but they must have been told about my audition. I chose to wear one of my prettier leotards, with my tights over top of it, which is the tell-a-tale sign of a professional and not a student dancer.
"Does anyone usually use this spot?" I ask quietly to the nearest girl.
"No, you're good," She says after a moment.
"Thank you," I say and drop my things and dig out my slippers from my bag. I do my stretches while replying to a few texts from earlier. The two-hour time change made me feel out of body and tired and Ken's text came in at an ungodly hour. Soon the rest of the company dancers filter in, choosing their spots. They all nod and say good morning to me, and I respond politely back.
I stand up as I see the artistic director and another person walk into the room.
"Morning everyone," he says and they say it back before he finds me in the crowd and beckons me over with a wave of the hand. "Everyone, this is Rilla she going to sit in for a few days." The director tells the large group of company members. "She is from Prince Edward Island, she is trying to find out if this company is a good fit for her. I hope everyone gives her a warm welcome this week."
"Just follow along as best as you can today," The master smiled at me and I nod my head.
Follow along I can do that. I pull on a sweater and a pair of warm-ups when I see that all the others are still in theirs.
Barre begins and I find myself listening, watching and sweating. Some girls are wearing pointe, some are wearing slippers. The guys are in sweats and tights and tank tops. Was I really doing this? Was I really here? The day is long and while I do get breaks from dancing as I watch them rehearse something already known, or teach each other. It's still more dancing than I usually do in a few days times.
I use lunch to run up to my room for food and to call Ken and Owen, who I chat with as I eat my salad. So far Owen Is doing all right without me, but tomorrow and the next day will be the biggest test of time.
Slowly I learn their names while feeling inadequate with each new dancer I see. I tie on my pointe shoes as some of the girls sit next to me.
"Is that your natural hair colour?" She asks so nicely that I blushed at the compliment.
"It is," I nod my head shyly. "Family trait, my mom has red hair, though only four of us have it."
"Only the four of you?"
"Three others have dark brown hair," I say with a shrug.
"Your parents had seven children?" Her mouth gapped.
"Will six pregnancies because of the twins," I tell her. "I suppose it does seem large to anyone outside of my family? But there is Joy, Jem, Walter, Nan and Di who are twins and Shirley, and then me." I tell her.
I don't mention Ken by name and I don't mention Owen. They didn't need to know that I was a teenage mother.
"I have a bunch of nieces though, and nephews as well," I add on. "As they are all older than me."
"Miss Blythe, what repertoire do you know?" The Master asked me and I look up at him.
"Oh! Umm, I can do Blue Bird or Florine from sleeping beauty, the red shoe's solo, and some Coppelia?" I rattle off.
"Well, since sleeping beauty is part of the season, shall we give it a try? Do worry if it's different than our version, just dance what you know." The master instructed and nodded to the pianist to play bluebird.
I took a deep breath and centre myself, thinking about Owen and even Ken as I heard the beginning of the music. Off I went, as I thought ahead of the steps, being light and dainty. I want to fly but yet I can't.
I lift my leg to the side, high in the air as I hop around as if I am a bird, as I move about until I hit my first arabesque, bouncing on the box of my shoes with one leg behind me. My feet crossing and uncrossing as bounce between being on pointe and flat on the floor. It's not easy and I know there are small faults here and there.
I finish with my set of turns and kneel with my hand to my ear in the finishing posing. There was polite applause and I find myself blushing.
"Not bad," he says simply and I frown but he continues one. "Again, but watch your turn out on your left foot. Fall into music, use your extensions to your advantage, and your use core to support you." The master says and I can only nod my head.
I start over, trying to think of everything and do everything he told me to do.
"Better, try again and really try and feel the music," he says once I finish and he moves on.
I race towards my room when the day is finally over, as I am dialling the number home.
The first thing I hear is Owen crying for me.
"I'm right here baby," I tell her. It breaks my heart, to hear her cry for me. "Mommy is right here."
"Momm-meee, home, miss you," she babbles through her sobbing.
"Few more days, baby, then I will be home," I tell her and by the end of the call, I am a giant mess with tears down my face that I barely say anything to Ken without adding more tears.
I woke up the next morning, sore and stiff. I pop some Tylenol and do some stretches while munching on a banana and some yogurt as I call home once more. Thankfully Owen was in a better mood and played her game asking me questions as Ken listened to us while typing away on his laptop.
The day is the same, barre, centre, classes, lunch, rehearsal. I eat light but a protein-filled lunch to keep me for the afternoon. It's been so long since I danced like this.
It's more corrections and more suggestions that make me feel defeated and centred out. More than once I find myself wanting to cry and scream in the bathroom on breaks. Was I a fool to think I could still do this? I miss my daughter, and I miss Ken.
When it comes to partnering, something I have little experience with because Tessa's studio didn't have many males in it.
"You need to trust me," My partner for the afternoon whispers in my ear as I struggle. Paul was his name and he was a few years older than me.
Trust—harder said than done. I think to myself. Reliance was another thing, I had to rely on this person to support me and be there. I make a fool out of myself most of the class.
When the student begins moving in, I find myself helping them in the evening and watching movies in the common room. They ask dozens of questions and I answer them as I can, and while I never was at boarding school at they are I apply simple logic to many things.
I slide my feet into a bucket of ice water, hissing but eventually sighing. My feet are battered, blistered and bruised. I trim my toenails and decide that tomorrow I would tape them up to try and help cushion them more.
When I head to bed and call Ken, he's already in bed, but we talk sleepily and just stare at each other's faces.
"Are you having fun?" He asks me.
"I guess?" I tell him. "It's hard, harder than I imagined. I'm so tired and sore and my feet already feel battered."
"You're eating enough?" He asks me quietly.
"I eat, you kind of have to when you're dancing this much a day," I tell him. Probably not as much as he would want me to, but I do eat. "Has my parents mentioned anything about where I am or what I'm doing?" I ask him.
"Oddly not, your dad was over today dropping off something he found of Elowen's but I think he thought you were at work?" Ken tells me. "What else did you do today?"
"Just some partnering things, it's bad since I have little to no experience with it. So it's awkward when they go to lift me and I don't know how to support myself for it, and hands are close to awkward places?" I tell him. "Just feels like I'm failing immensely and I hate it."
"I'm sure if it's awkward for you, it's awkward for them," Ken says after a moment. "And if goes well, maybe you just have an honest conversation about your history and why it might take you a bit to be uncomfortable with certain things. If they are decent people, I'm assuming they would feel the same way?"
"I guess time will only tell," I say sighing as there was a knock on my door. "Apparently I am the dorm mother, I should go see what they want?"
"I love you, and try and get some sleep, things will be better in the morning," Ken tells me and say it back before ending the call.
It's not exactly easier the next day but I eat breakfast with some of the boarders telling funny stories about dance teachers and telling them how lucky they are to be here.
I get to know the dancers by name and some wave to me as I arrive. Delaney, Lucy, and others who are in the corps ballet wave to me. Trisha and Lauren who are soloists nod their heads, but are always willing to quietly correct me when they notice something not right. While Peter, Dylan, and Micah all wave at me when they come in.
I smile at everyone.
Another day, another trial of instructions and corrections, which I feel are to understand how I cope with them more than anything at this point. How do I react under pressure? How well I pick up on new routines and dances. It's exhausting, yet exhilarating at the same time.
The only thing I keep strictly to myself is Owen. I have mentioned to my boyfriend, and that I don't live at home and that I have a diploma in journalism and media studies but the rest I keep fairly private and to myself.
"Miss Blythe, once you are finished lunch if you can come up to the offices," The director says to me and I nod my head.
"Why don't you eat with us in the lounge?" Delaney says before I could rush out the door.
"She probably wants to call her boyfriend," Trisha says watching my face. I look at my phone sighing. Her accent is a fairly light English one, different to my eastern Atlantic though I am told that I have Though she has been here longer, spending her school days in the professional division and now in the corps as well.
"No I can, just let me get something from the cafe, and I'll be up?" I tell him. At least it will give me time to text Ken about the change of plans. I mean I'll be home tomorrow anyway?
I make up a salad and a small sandwich they had made for lunch and head up toward the company lounge. Someone lets me in and I go over to sit with the girls.
"So excited to go home?" Lucy asks me between bites of food.
"I guess so?" I say simply. "I miss my boyfriend that is for sure and our dog."
"You have a dog! What kind?"
"Well he's more of Ken's than mine, but his name is Jack. He's not quite a miniature dachshund, but also not a standard. He's a good old boy, and he tolerates a lot from Owen," I say automatically before realizing.
"Owen? Oh, that must be one of your nephews, you have a crazy big family," Trisha says. "Will you miss them when you move here?"
"She doesn't have a place yet," Delaney jabs her with an elbow. "I mean you're a wonderful dancer, just don't want her to jinx you?"
I nod my head knowingly sorta relieved they just thought Owen was a nephew right now. I wasn't ready to tell them about her, or my motherhood status just yet.
"I suppose so, my family and I don't always get along. It's a bit strained and they don't think dance is a career and there's a bunch of other things they don't necessarily approve of that I did or done in my life."
"Well we hope they offer you something," Delaney tells me and I smile and eat more of my salad. Looking at the clock until it was time to head up to the office, I wave to them and head up the stairs. I stop before the door, which was partially open. Eavesdropping is never good but it's not like I mean to.
"Her hips are too wide," I hear the female ballet master say and my heart drops. I was just about to knock.
"Her hips are fine, Sabine she's no bigger than Sara-Beth and you dno have issues with Sara-Beth," I hear someone else say. "She is smaller than the aspirants, and for someone who doesn't dance daily as the company girls do. I am sure that once she gets into a routine she will probably tone up into a perfect shape."
"She takes instruction well, and we went hard on her to see her under pressure. She didn't break down in rehearsal."
"No just in the bathroom," I hear the first person say.
"Which is fine, who hasn't cried in a washroom before or yelled and screamed?"
"She's too green Clarence, no background or proper training." I hear and finally, I get up the nerve to knock on the door. Before anything else can be said about me in my presence.
Someone opens the door and they look at the clock.
"I can come back?" I say simply. "I don't want to disturb you."
"No, no we are finished, Sabine, Ivan I will see you later today," Clarence says shaking his head.
"I hope you had a good week Miss. Blythe," The one name Ivan tells me, and Sabine just puts on a sickly fake smile.
"I hope you have a good trip home."
I smile and nod my head. "I'm sure I will."
I sit down in one of the chairs and the last one closes the door.
I barely hear him as he goes on about my strengths and weaknesses and what they evaluated and saw this week. Potential, with correction and practice, would be a better dancer.
"We would like to offer you a place as an apprentice for the year. To see how you progress and what you can achieve."
"You want me? Someone who struggled through class and who has no partnering experience?"
"You're green, but partnering can easily be learned, and we have spoken about it with each other and we all believe that taking a class with the aspirants to catch up and learn the fundamental basics should be enough to catch you up?" He tells me. "Also you do tremendous for someone who is not used to the daily grind of dance."
"What are the days like, are they usually like this?" I asked him still worried it would be too much for me.
"Generally yes," The director nodded to me. "As an apprentice, you will have shoes provided for you as well as a salary, on top of the show pay as well." He tells me. I feel like this is a dream.
I nod my head my gut dropping with each passing second. "What is the cost of living like in Winnipeg?"
"It's fairly decent, most places ask for a deposit. Lots of lovely areas and the ballet is easily accessible as it is downtown. I believe there are usually a few girls looking for roommates. We could put you in contact with them if you need a place."
I shake my head. Knowing I had to tell him. "I will have to find a place for my boyfriend and me."
"Your partner is coming as well?" He looks up, he didn't expect something like that from me I gather.
"Yes," I nod to him. "We have responsibilities and given the schedule. I will need him more than ever."
"Responsibilities?"
"I should have told you before I came, but I have a daughter who is three," I tell him letting out my breath. "I just didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want you to think I'm not committed or not worthy of the audition because I was a fool one summer four years ago. But she is why I never completed my level seven, and did vocational instead this year. I never stopped dancing, but things changed of course. Which also means my body is what it is," I say quietly.
I see his eyes flash down to my file and my birthday. I can see him mentally adding up the years.
"Your personal life is your personal life, Miss. Blythe, but I can understand your hesitation with such a confession. As an employer, we are willing to make adjustments when deemed necessary for our dancers who are parents of course. There are a few of them as you know already. Of course, as a company, we strive to be world-renowned and will still expect your utmost best at all times. Whether you had a child young matters, not to us. Of course, it will be up to you if you wish it to be mentioned anywhere."
"I tend to be very private with her, and social media in general, of course, I understand company photos and things for myself. As a dancer, there is no need to curate profiles or anything?" I ask him.
"Oh no, you can remain off the grid as you like. If you do post I just ask you to respect your co-workers and choreographers and ask permission. Of course, students are completely off limits, though I am sure if you are protective of your own daughter you will understand that."
"More than you will ever know," I say nodding my head.
"Well, this revelation makes a lot of sense of what I have heard coming out of the dormitories from other staff," he says leaning back in his chair.
I blush, knowing I turned on mom mode a few times to help with homesickness and petty fights.
"What time is your flight tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow at 10 am," I tell him.
"You must be itching to get her, at least now I understand why I saw you hiding away in corners on FaceTime whenever you could." He says to me. "Read the contract, decide with your family and what are the earliest days you could make a move here given the distance if that is your choice. We would like to have you here for nutcracker if possible." He says pushing the packet towards me.
"I do miss her, and I will discuss everything with my boyfriend," I admit shyly to him and take the packet.
"Also Miss Blythe, congratulations,"
"Thank you," I say quietly.
I leave the office in a daze, going off to find an empty studio. We had no more classes for the day as it was a light day for them so I use it to my advantage and plug in my phone and I dance. I dance through all the swirling disbelief and thoughts in my head.
"So that's what drew them to you," Delaney says from the doorway with Trisha.
"Oh," I say blushing. "I was just working out some emotions?" I say unsure of what to say.
"Well if that is emotions, it was beautiful," they say in unison.
"Thank you," I say blushing.
"I know that an Ed Sheeran song, but who is singing?" Lucy asks curiously.
"Oh that's Ken, it's taken from a video I took of his band rehearsing one day," I explain.
"Can we join?" Trish asks and I nod my head. It doesn't take long for them to pick up my steps. Following along as best they can as they anticipated what I might do next. We call out moves here and there, working with each other.
I laugh and smile as we dance with each other. I miss Ken and Owen, but tomorrow I would be home again for all the cuddles, tantrums and all the love I could possibly feel.
We move to the music as I picture Ken in my head, his voice calling out for me.
Oh, you can fit me
Inside the necklace, you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your