Home never feels as real as it does until Owen runs to me at the airport when she finally sees me.
Ken comes to us and presses a kiss to my temple as Owen babbles and refuses to let me go. She feels heavier in my arms and she had a new haircut with dark bangs cut across her forehead, along with two pigtails that the place most likely put in her hair for her.
"Oh, how I have missed you," I whisper to her. "You need to stop growing," I add on.
"She does, I went to put on her spring clothing because it was chilly this morning and nothing seemed to fit her," Ken says sighing. "One pair of shoes, the rest I barely could get her foot in."
"I guess we need to do some shopping," I say sighing. Which also meant going through her clothing and passing along things to Delilah for Joy to use, which was more work.
"So it seems," Ken says nodding his head. "How were the flights?"
"All right, window seats so I just listened to music and rested?" I tell him as he grabs my bag as I still hold Owen in my arms. I think about the contract that is in my bag, we'll deal with that later. "I am hungry though?"
"We'll go grab lunch," Ken says smiling as we walk out. "We can talk about the offer once we get you something to eat?"
I nod my head and we head out to the car. I help Owen buckle herself in her seat making sure it was tight and done up correctly and get into the passenger side.
"Did you have a good week with Daddy?" I ask her.
"Uh-huh, we went to park and swimmies," She said nodding her head.
"And you got a haircut?" I ask her.
"I pick out!" She says nodding her head. "Mommy like?"
"I think it makes you look beautiful," I tell her with a smile and look at Ken as he gets in the car finally.
We stop by a small deli and ordered lunch, getting Owen a grilled cheese, while we got sandwiches and an order of fries. She sits practically on my lap, colouring away at least allowing us to talk.
"How's your body doing?" Ken asks eating a fry.
"I hurt like no tomorrow," I tell him honestly. "Everything hurts, even my pinky toes," I say sighing.
"Will it get easier?"
"Loads easier," I say nodding my head. "I just have never danced like that really. I would do almost two hours a day and stretching years ago, but it still didn't equal what we did every day?" I tell him.
"Is it worth it?" He asks eating another fry and then a bit of sandwich. "Will it be worth it?"
"The contract is for two years, or two seasons since I already am coming in late, I get to experience and some lessons on the side until they think I have enough experience. Partnering is something learned, and not every studio or school has enough boys to learn sometimes. I get paid, nothing outrageous, but it's fairly decent given my status and the fact they supply my shoes for me.
"They supply you shoes?" Ken asks confused.
"When you are dancing all week, and have rehearsals you go through shoes. They two pairs pretty much have another week them?" I explain to him. "If that actually, so they take away the stress of buying shoes and since it's part of your job it makes sense for them to cover the costs."
"Well, thank god for that," Ken says with a chuckle. "So when do they want you?"
"What do you mean, we haven't even discussed it?" I say frowning.
"Rilla we did not spend over a thousand dollars, for you to discuss it. You got in, you got offered the job. What is there to talk about? How do we not go?"
"But your job, and Owen?"
"Didn't we go through this Owen's barely in preschool and doesn't start kindergarten for another two years anyway, and my job I'll figure it. I'm doing fairly well just writing these days?"
"Your contract though?" I say frowning.
"Contracts can be broken, life happens Rilla. They will understand," he says shaking his head and reaching across for my hands. "This is all you ever wanted, and you should be jumping for joy, screaming from rooftops. Not being afraid of changes that will come from it?"
I sigh. "We'll have to tell my parents."
"They'll get over it," Ken tells me. "Two years, if things don't work out you can always go back to reporting or journalism easily within that time."
I nod my head and focus on Owen for a long moment who was oblivious to our talk as she coloured. Still, she was glued to me.
"What happened to her hair?"I ask him. "I mean it is cute don't me wrong, but I didn't book a hair appointment and I don't remember you saying you did?"
I watch Ken grimace and I look at him. "Well, there was a slight incident with some gum on the playground. I called mom to ask what I could do and I did try, but it was easiest to just give her a new hairstyle?" Ken says bashfully. "They tried to ask her what she wanted and showed her photos to make her more involved in the process and she really wanted the bangs?"
"Don't look so nervous," I tease him. "It's hair, and it's not like you shaved her head or anything," I tell him laughing as I bite into my pickle.
We finally make it home and Jack is all over me as Owen is. I throw her new things in the washer so she can have her new things the week. I don't sit down, and I find things to keep me moving. I unload the dish rack and wipe down the counters as Owen tangles about my legs, looking at what is left in the fridge for dinner idea and settle for pasta as I take out a container of sauce. Putting Owen in the small enclosed step stool that someone had given us one time so she watch me cut up the vegetables for dinner.
We eat dinner at the table, we make up silly games with Owen and finally I sit down on the couch and wiggle off my socks
"Boo-boo's," Owen says squatting down to look at my battered feet. "Mommy hurt?"
"Just a few, and not really," I saw looking down at them. They looked a bit better than yesterday though.
"Jesus Rilla," Ken says taking notice of them.
"They'll heal up, or they'll toughen up," I tell him trying to reassure him and he shakes his head.
"Bathtime," Ken tells Owen who was playing with her dolls,
"Mommy bath too?" She looks at me and I laugh lightly.
"Okay okay," I say because a bath would be lovely, though it would not be as hot as I would want it, for her I would deal with it.
I sink in the tub and Ken hands her over to me as she plays by my feet, splashing about until she comes and cuddles into me the warm water working its magic. It feels like her younger days. Though these days she pokes at the folds and rolls of my stomach, or my stretch marks from having her.
Finally, she settles down against my breasts, and I kiss the top of her head and drink in the familiar smell. I'm in a daze when Ken knocks on the door. I let him take her from me and wrap her up in her towel as she yawns.
"Stay," Ken says to me, and I don't argue as I use my foot to turn on the hot water. He comes back a few minutes later. "She's out like a light," he tells me.
"Come join me then," I say to him. I can see him think, but he pulls off his teeshirt, shorts and boxers. It's a tight fit, but I lay back gently against him, to not have water slosh over the tub and sigh.
"Why don't you seem excited," Ken says after a long moment. "I mean if you really don't want this. We don't have to consider it? I just thought given everything and how much you used to want to get off this island? I don't want to pressure you into taking the job…"
I close my eyes for a good long moment not knowing what to say to him.
"Rilla?" He asks, kneading the soft skin of my stomach.
"What if at the end of two years, all I hear is I told you so?" I say quietly.
"Then you did the best you could and you and we move on," Ken says simply. "Just remember that you also choose to have a baby at sixteen not caring what anyone thought. You choose to break away and make your own choices when it came to us. This is just another choice and step that while terrifying is going to change your life. It's not like I am going to tell you this is all or nothing, this isn't that sort of conversation. Not that we had many of those ever, so we'll figure it out together and we'll manage together. If you want this you're going to have to take the reins and I'll run beside you. But you have to tell me what you want, you have to be brave, otherwise, people will try to talk you out of it."
"They'll have to pry it from my dead hands," I say quietly. His fingertips run over the sides of my ribs.
"Can I ask one thing of you?" Ken asks quietly. "I know dancing the way you will be dancing will change your body, there are little ways to avoid muscles and whatnot when dancing like that. Just promise me if you feel overwhelmed or like you're slipping into something like old habits, Tell me, tell someone so we can at least help you stay focused, not just for Owen, but for yourself. Don't make yourself suffer because you think you have to be something you are not?"
I nod my head silently and wait a moment. "I will try my best."
He kisses and nibbles on my neck after a small hum of acknowledgement.
"Miss me that much?" I ask him.
"You have no idea," he mutters into the curve of my neck.
"I didn't really give you a proper welcome," I say softly.
"You can anytime now," Ken said through a crooked grin.
I smirk and haul myself up from the tub and grab a towel, "Come on then," I wink at him before I sneak across the hallway into our room. Him not so silently behind me, as he catches and practically tosses me on the bed.
I laugh as I grabbed a pillow for my head.
"Shh, you'll wake the monster," Ken tutts as he kisses down my neck. His hand already trailing up the inside of my thigh and I suddenly remember.
"Sorry, I haven't really had the time or the wanting to shave," I tell him blushing and wiggling awkwardly and he just shrugs.
"I really don't care, either way, grow a jungle if you want," he teases me.
"Yeah, that will never happen," I swat at him or try to as his deft fingers find their way. Just enough pressure and rubbing to make my mind turn to goo.
"Either way you're beautiful fresh out of bed, all dressed up, even when you're sick. I will never tell you to change something about yourself let alone comment on your body unless I am truly worried about you," Ken tells me almost purring in my ear, teasing me further.
"You know I love a vote of confidence, but a little less talk and more action," I poke him. "And as much as I enjoy it, we should probably be a little extra mindful, given I'm starting a new job and the last thing I need is to suddenly be fat again?"
"You'll never be fat, also I thought you wanted action not talking," Ken tells me in jest.
"All I'm saying is if you decide to continue poking me with that thing of yours, to wrap it up," I roll my eyes, even as my body felt alive.
"I'm pretty sure it's called a penis," Ken whispers and I blush, the crimson hue going down my neck and upper chest. "Though I suppose it can also be called Kenneth Junior? Cock? Schlong?"
"I'll do it myself, without you if you rather keep this up " I hiss at him. He chuckles reaching for the nightstand drawer and grabbing the box that turns out to be empty, we both groan, but he finds a lone one by itself. So had condoms to the list of things we need to pick up tomorrow I guess?
It was Monday morning when Ken heads to the university to figure out things on his end. I had spent the previous day with Ken and Tessa reading over the contract thoroughly, making sure that it was proper and good for me as a person and a dancer. Tessa said it was fairly standard but fair and that made me feel less nervous about it.
Now it was mainly up to when we could manage a move. Figure out how to move our valuables that are too important to try and sell or get rid of.
I take Owen to the park down the street to run off some steam. As I think about how to tell my parents that I wasn't going to university, and moving away from them. All with barely finalized plans, because there is no use in starting something if I was leaving in a month or two.
"Mommy!" I listen to Owen call out at the top of the slide.
"Push off sweetie," I tell her, and it takes a moment, but she does and I catch at the bottom and smoother her in kisses.
"Gross mommy." She says wiping her face off.
I shake my head as she runs back up the jungle gym. She would be okay if we moved? I mean we would lose all of our suppose systems and be completely on our own. Would it be fair to her to take away all her aunts and uncles?
"Uncle Lee!" She calls off and goes running and I turn around and see Shirley with Tank for a walk.
"Whoa, who is this creature who is seemingly taller than last time," he says picking her up and tickling her as she shrieks.
She would be okay, wouldn't she?
"What no hello? We don't see or hear from you for almost a week and you stand there as if I'm the ghost?" Shirley jokes.
I smile wryly at him. "They grow like weeds," I say meaning Owen's ever-growing and changing body. "I was away a few days," I tell him honestly and he raises an eyebrow. He puts Owen back on the ground and she runs back over
"Away huh? Doing what?"
"Stuff," I say simply and Shirley raises his eyebrow at me. "Fine, I was in Winnipeg."
"Jesus why would you be in that place? Murder capital of Canada!" He jokes laughing not believing me.
"I was dancing," I say quietly. "Auditioning actually…"
"Auditioning? For what—," he asks before something clues into his head. "Oh,—oh."
"Yeah," I say quietly. "I got in."
"Shit, that's amazing," he says still in shock. "Shit, that is far away."
"Yep," I say sighing. "I just- I want it but at the same time is it selfish of me to want it as I do?"
"I think If you're worried about being selfish, you have nothing to be selfish over," Shirley tells me. "Did Dad give up his dreams or mom because of Joy? No, they just did what they had to do, you'll do the same Rilla. Going after what you want isn't selfish, it's just life."
I sigh as I watch Owen run around. "I'll be taking her away from everything she's ever known, Shir. We'll be alone and lose every ounce of support we have. No friends, nothing," I tell stress to him.
"She'll adapt Rilla, she adapted fairly well when you moved to Ken's, she'll survive this if you talk to her about it and prepare her for it." My brother tells me. "At least that is what being education has taught me this year."
"So if you don't want to be in the house…" I say looking at him.
"I'll watch her if you need someone too," Shirley says shaking his head with a smile on his face. "I guess I'll have to get all the time in with her?"
"You'll always be welcome to visit, I know it will be a trek and a half but you'll be welcome," I tell him.
"Yet you couldn't pick Toronto or something to get into for a ballet?" Shirley jokes.
"If Toronto wanted me, everyone would expect us to rely on Ken's parents," I tell him quietly. "You know it's true too."
"I can see mom thinking that," he nods. "Not that you would, but Toronto is expensive and I can see Owen and Leslie making a deal with you. But mom would see it as the easy way out."
"So Winnipeg it is," I say sighing.
Shirley does as he promises as he takes Owen out for a walk the next day after dinner together as a family.
"Oh, don't forget to tell me how much you need for this semester's tuition," Dad says as we're still drinking our evening tea. I look over at Ken who nods his head across the table.
"I won't need that money," I say rather steadily, but my heart is beating.
"Of course You do, school starts next week," Mom says. "Did you forget that?"
"No, I don't need the money because I'm not going. I pulled out of the course," I tell him. It was all too easy with a few clicks of the mouse. I had sent over the contract signed over email, and Ken had his own work figured out as well. Six weeks, we had six weeks before we were moving.
"Of course, you're going," Mom laughed. "Don't be ridiculous Rilla."
"I'm not being ridiculous, I am telling the truth. I am not going to university, I don't want to, and I am not wasting money on it. I have other plans."
"You are not wasting this Rilla, you will call the school and say it was an accident," Mom says with her voice raising as she grabs the empty dishes.
"Do you even care what other plans I have?" I say to her, crying out loudly.
"Then pray to tell me Rilla, more hours at the coffee shop? Dance shop? The CBC wants you full-time?"
"How about I did the impossible and was invited to join a ballet company," I tell her with my back straightening. "Two years as an apprentice, which is paid and shoes are included in the contract."
Mom looks at me blankly for a long moment.
"So you are going to throw away everything for dance? A future, a career, job security, just gone out the window!" Mom says going off again as I follow her into the kitchen. "How long are you going to dance for? What is a career for a dancer between injuries and burnout or eating disorders?"
"I'm doing this! Whether you like it or not, I am moving to Winnipeg, to at least try, try and see if this is possible, and the career is longer than you might think. Though I'm not surprised you went straight for that, even Beth called you out for this bullshit that you still haven't even answered even to me yet! "
"So you're going to just leave it all behind and drag Ken and Owen across the country for a year or two?" Mom says sarcastically rolling her eyes. Ignoring my other question of course.
"He's bloody telling me to, I got offered an apprenticeship mom! Do you know what that means? I have talent I have enough talent to make it into a fucking company without going to a professional school that you deemed unnecessary!"
"So you're just going to live your life contract by contract? Hoping that every year they ask you back?"
"If it means that I dance then, yea I will happily live that way," I say with a touch of bitterness in my voice.
"You belong in school! We let you move out because you were going to go to school.
"I moved out because I got tired of this! The fighting! There was never any stipulation about school! You can support this or not, because it's not like I'm not asking for money either. I'm telling you that by October something, I'll be in another province. That you don't need to send a cheque to the school because I am not going.
"Are you not going to say something?" Mom asks turning to Dad as she looks back towards the dining room.
"What is there to say? She made up her mind and her own choice Anne," Dad says simply. "Do I like it, no, am I worried about her abusing her body to fit into the ideal of a ballerina, of course, I am. But at this point, it's her choice and we can't change that."
"Just so you know, when making this decision, Rilla and I have considered all aspects and how it might affect her," Ken says to me.
"What happens if you get pregnant again? Your so-called career is over with," Mom counters.
"No, it's called maternity leave! Pregnancy isn't an end all anymore a bunch of company members have kids these days and continue dancing." I tell her rolling my eyes. "You don't have to like this mom, but this is my life and my choices and we decided that we are doing this. We are doing this before Owen is in school and this chance passes us by."
"What about your career?" I hear Dad ask Ken.
"They are understanding. My contact was up in December, so given the timing, I'll be switching to virtual classes for this semester." Ken tells him. "He knows a few people at the University of Manitoba, so he will ask around, but I think I will try and find a position at a museum of some sort. It's what I wanted to do anyway, either way, I have options." Ken tells me. "But this also allows us to figure out things, and I can be home with Owen as she gets settled in."
"What about Dr. Chang?" Dad asks me plainly.
"I'll speak to him and see if I can get a referral and if/or he will do virtual sessions until I find someone," I tell him. "I need to do this, I don't care if people call me selfish, because I know I'm not, and that is the last thing I am. I'll do everything and anything for Owen and for once I have to think about myself. Trust me I already feel guilty for taking her away from everyone she knows, but I can't stay on this island forever. So I am going, I am going with or without your support. I'm not asking for money, I am not asking for anything other than that we don't part ways angry at each other."