"You never do anything by halves do you?" Joy says as she passes me my cup of coffee. The kids were playing in the other room, and the Twins were down for a nap.

I merely shrug and take a sip of the hot liquid.

"I didn't do anything then follow my conscience and dreams," I point out to her. "Not my fault mom refuses to accept it."

"It's not quite the issue," Joy says calmly. "She understands probably more than you think she does."

"Well, she has a funny way of showing it," I say rolling my eyes. "It's like she just thinks I'm going to be forever the screw-up."

"I think in many ways she's trying to protect from somehow repeating more of her mistakes," Joy says quietly.

"No offence I already did the worst one," I say to my sister who frowns

"You know she and dad had a tragic miscarriage between me and Jem?" Joy says to me, which I have never heard about before. "I probably was about two at the time. I don't remember her being pregnant at the time, though I have one vague memory of mom being so happy and giving me this baby doll and how to play with it?" Joy says with a look of remembering on her face.

"What do you mean by tragic?" I think back to that day after Christmas, that night at the hospital and mom holding my hand, worried and pale.

"Well, mom never talks about it ever, I only ever found the whole fertility things came to light with Matt and me. After I had multiple miscarriages in a row. but she was early in the second trimester. Almost 20 weeks. It was just a routine check-up and suddenly they couldn't find the heartbeat," Joy says quietly.

"Either way apparently she and Marilla got into a huge fight about the pregnancy and when that happened, mom refused to talk to her for ages. I'm not saying she's right, or in the wrong, but ultimately I think she just trying to protect you and watching you go off on your own is just making her want to protect you more. Then you get your guard up and you fight and it does the exact opposite that she wants. Even though she and Marilla would often do the same old dance that the both of you do."

"But I'm not her," I say quietly.

"I know, and I think she knows that deep down, but that doesn't help her much," Joy says sighing. "Look I know I see mom completely different thing how you do, but I had an entirely different experience, much like one day if you have another child, that relationship will be different than the one with Owen. I watched mom go through college and learn how and make herself into something she thought her parents would be proud of. I unknowingly watched her be on pins and needles until all you little tiny babies came home as expected. Of course, I saw the dark times when Mom threatened Dad with a divorce that time. I know you and mom butt heads, but I also know when both of you try and listen to each other you understand each other so much more than when your not listening to each other. Give her a few days, she'll take the olive branch, she's not great with big changes it can take her some time to accept it."

"I am beyond caring Joy," I tell her sighing. "She never seemed to be like this with any of you?"

"Yeah, because we toed the line, and didn't send her into a midlife crisis by getting pregnant at sixteen," Joy gives me a look. "You did this to yourself in many ways, I'm surprised you stayed as long as you did honestly."

"I didn't have many choices, and when it boiled down to it she only accepted me living with Ken because my original plan was to couch surf and for Owen to be at Ken's," I tell her.

"Which terrified her," Joy says nodding her head. "And now you're moving even further away, which how are you going to do that anyway?"

"I don't know really. I mean we're figuring some things out for things we can't part with. Driving there, because we need the car, and flying would be way too expensive for all three of us. I'm going through Owen's outgrown clothing and you can pick through what you like for Delilah if you want and the rest I'll donate?"

"Sounds good," Joy says nodding her head. "I can't believe that you actually got a job dancing, it's rather surreal?"

"It is, and I'll work extra hard and prove to everyone that it's a job like everything else," I say. "We're going to stop by Halifax in a week or two, and see the others before we leave. Hopefully, see Theo, he's doing good Nan says, she doesn't want to be too hopeful about his go-home date just yet but he's passing everything with flying colours hopefully he'll be home soon?"

The days pass by and between working and figuring out things for the move we put things into place and gear, I keep in contact with the girls at the ballet, and get into a daily routine of stretching, dancing and trying to get in as much pointe as I can. Though today we were out in some field for the September festival.

"Look there is daddy," I say over the music pointing to the stage, it was rather warm for this September weekend. It was Ken's last gig with the band, we were moving in just a few weeks.

I sway to the music holding and dancing with Owen, who was dressed in a sunhat and sundress for the afternoon, slathered in sunscreen and sunglasses. Her cardigan in my bag if she gets cold. My own was a light blue floral one, that had a large slit up the side accompanying it was a large straw hat on my head, and dark circular glasses shielding my eyes from the sunlight.

"Daddy!" She chanted, we both giggle and laugh dance. She always loves when he plays at home, I don't she gets what he's doing on stage at the local community fair.

"Rilla?" I turn at the sound of my name.

"Tristan," I said recognizing the guy I dated the year previous. "Lovely day out," I say commenting on the weather.

"Quite," he says with a smile. "Is that?"

"It is," I nod my head. "Owen, you remember mommy's friend?" I ask her quietly, she looked at him with a tilted head and darts behind my legs.

"She's a little shy these days," I say lying. "What brings you here?" I ask him.

"Oh just hanging out with friends," He says casually, "You?"

"Daddy!" Owen says for me.

"Ken is playing," I motion towards the stage. "It's his last show with the band."

"The two of you?" He asked carefully. I nod my head.

"Yeah," I say quietly. "About six months ago?" I tell him honestly, trying to tell him that it wasn't an instant thing from his decision last year.

"What happening to him the quit the band they are local favourites aren't they?"

"Well, we're moving to another province?" I say let it roll off my tongue in confidence.

"Oh to where?" Tristan's eyebrows raise.

"Winnipeg, I got offered an apprenticeship at the ballet company there," I explain to him.

"Oh wow," he says in shock. He knew I had danced, but he had never truly seen me dance. He never came and watch me, he never sat there and waited for me. Not like Ken did with a smile on his face and something that told me he wanted to be there for me when he did.

"Congratulations," he says. "What do your parents think?"

"Umm, I just sorta told them and expected them to deal with it, I mean I haven't been living with them for a few months at this point.

"Give them time," Tristan says looking back towards the stage. "What's he going to do?"

"He's gonna finish his teaching here virtually, and look after Owen at home, though he'll be looking for another job teaching or a museum? Either way, we'll manage just fine I think?" I tell him a keep a steady hand on Owen as she was getting antsy.

"Well, I hope you find what you're looking for out there, for yourself and together," Tristan says. "I should go find my girl," he says as to end our encounter.

"Of course, I hope you finished your course as well," I tell him truthfully.

I bring Owen closer to the stage, and when he sees us he waves, abandoning his playing as she reaches to scoop her up, the audience laughs and aww's as she gets her to sit up on a stool beside him as he finds his place in the song. I smile and grab my phone for a video.

"What do you want us to play, Elowen?" He asks her as she giggles, clearly liking the attention.

"Sunshine," she chirps and Ken laughs, he plays it for her at home, and occasionally in the band as well at practice when I meet him there with her.

"All right, all right—- excuse the deviation of the genre but the princess has spoken." He says and the small crowd that has gathered around the small stage.

'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy when the skies are grey
You'll never know how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

She kicks her feet as he plays for her, I smile at them waving.

I watch them for the rest of the show until they take their final bows and thank the small crowd for their support over the past few years.

"Don't look like that," Ken tells me afterwards. "Don't feel guilty, it's not like we were trying to make it big, it was fun hobby nothing more." He says kissing my temple, arm around my shoulder.

The apartment is slowly being packed up, books and trinkets that we didn't need were packed away first. Jack kept hiding his toys, trying to keep them away from us thinking they would disappear on him, along with with his blanket and bed that he kept almost a hold of if we were packing. Which I tried to do a little bit each day, I was going through the other bookcase when I feel something slip through the pages and onto the floor.

My brow furrows as I recognize the type of photo but it is not one of mine.

Brown—Victoria Grace—11/18/2018

Wasn't that around the time that she and Ken got together? No this is far too long for that sort of thing. But maybe?

Could he have had another child potentially?

I put it aside waiting for him to come back the work. He was going to teach in class for as long as he could.

"Ken?" I ask him when he is finally home. "Umm, this just fell out of this book?" I hold up the photo and I see his face go into surprise.

"So that is where that went," he says finally which confused me.

"Pardon?" I ask him confused.

"Okay, one it's not what it looks like really," Ken says sighing.

"Not what it looks like? Your ex-girlfriend was pregnant at some point?" I ask him.

"She was, but A— the child was not mine, clearly by the date of that photo it tells you that," Ken tells me. "B—It's not my story to tell, knowing how close she holds her heart. But that baby was loved and wanted. I can say it was a miscarriage, without betraying her. She must have put the photo in the book she borrowed to keep it safe and forgot about it. She was looking for it forever but gave up on it. I'll call her and ask if she wants me to mail it to her."

My face softens, and my heartaches at the thought, knowing that my mother also went through such a thing. By the looks of it, she had to be close to her second trimester in that photo which only made it worse.

"Of course, sorry it just well, I wasn't expecting that sort of thing," I say trying to apologize.

"I doubt you were," Ken tells me to reassure me. "Trust me when I found out, I apologized because it felt like all I did was talk about Owen and was rubbing it in her face not knowing. But she enjoyed the fact that I had Owen and it was nice. She didn't want to overstep you, but she enjoyed it when Owen was around, even when we both realized we wanted different things and decided to just end things. It was nice that she made sure that Owen knew that she would miss her, and said goodbye to her before leaving."

I nod my heading knowing that Vicki had done that, and to the point, I thought it was very kind of her to say goodbye as she did so Owen wouldn't wonder where she had gone to. "Well, you best call her then," I say to him handing him the ultrasound photo.

I turn back to packing, as Ken goes over the table.

"Hey Victoria, it's Kenneth," he says into his phone after a short moment. "Yes, yes, I am good, how are you?"

I try not to listen to his call, but I can't really help not to, given he was just across the wall.

"That's amazing, anyway I was calling because we were packing up the bookshelf and Rilla found the scan photo that you couldn't find. I was wondering if you wanted me to mail it to you?" He asks, explaining that we were together at the same time. "Yeah, no it's been good, it just sort of happened back in the springtime, she actually just got into the Ballet in Winnipeg as well actually, hence the move and all."

I shake my head, at the sound of his proudness. He would tell a stranger that I was going to be dancing for a ballet company as if I was a principal dancer and not just an apprentice. I look down at Jack who sits by my feet and I reach and give him a scratch.

"Yeah, I will tell her that for you. Text me your address and I'll get the photo mailed out to you asap," Ken says after another pause. "It was nice to talk to you as well. I will tell Elowen you said hello as well."

I put another book in the box filling it, trying to pretend I hadn't been listening as I hear him come back towards me and reaches down and give Jack a pat and tosses a toy over across the room.

"She says congratulations and hopes you go far at the ballet," he tells her kissing my neck.

I nod my head acknowledging it seeing I couldn't say anything back at this point.

"What's wrong?" He asks

"It was just weird that's all thinking you might have had another child?" I say frowning. "I'm just being silly that's all," I say blushing at my own silliness.

"No, no, you're not. Honestly, though, we had a common agreement because of her feelings on the subject of children for herself, that if it did accidentally happen she would most likely well, have an abortion?" Ken says quietly.

"You were fine with that?"

"It's her body, her choice," Ken says quietly. "I understood, even if it did sting me. She loved kids but just didn't want to go through that again at this very moment. It was easier to just respect the choice and not dwell on it too much?"

"I don't think I could, I told you once that I didn't want to do something you were against, but a lot of my choice was just being afraid and not wanting to go through that," I tell him.

"Which is understandable, in most cases I would hope it was a mutual decision?" Ken says kissing my forehead. "It would be entirely different if you had decided, and there is no right or wrong choice. It was just your choice and look at us now?"

I nod my head and look at the clock sighing. "I should get ready for work," I tell him and he nods his head.

He kisses my forehead and hugs me for a short moment. "I'll swing by and get Owen from your parent's place." He tells me as Dad came by and asked for the afternoon with her.

Work is long but fast-paced, the lights are hot as usual as my heels click on the floor. My co-workers ask about the move and what dancing in a company is like. They are all curious and happy for me and offer whatever help they can. I fall into bed bone-tired well after midnight after looking in on Owen and Ken mumbles in his sleep as he turns towards me and I settle into his arms. Letting sleep take over me.

He lets me sleep in, given my late night, but still, I am up by 9:30 am yawning as he was going through his morning workout routine as Owen played. I needed to stretch, I needed to go to the studio and do some dancing every day now. Trying to get into better shape for when I begin work at the ballet.

"Owen do you want a snack?" I call out to Owen after Ken goes to take a shower to wash off.

"Owen?" I say again before poking my head out of the kitchen to not see her. I frown and go to turn off the stove to go investigate when I hear.

"Jesus Christ Elowen!" I hear Ken shout from the shower and Jack barks at the sound of the commotion.

"Rilla!" He calls out and I head towards the bathroom where he was showering, where Jack follows me. Where I find him clutching a face cloth to his pelvis and Owen standing there half naked with half of the shower curtains she tugged on her hands. Like she tried to open and pulled down and not to the side, so the pressure bar came off. Most likely scaring Ken in the process, who tends to leave the door open a crack for some reason and she decided she wanted to join him. Much like when she decides to join in on my own personal time of showering.

I burst out laughing. "Owen baby, come on you can shower later,".

"Mommy, why does daddy have a wand thingy?" She asks as I usher her out and I groan and laugh at the same time. "Where is wand?" She asks as she suddenly remembers that awful light-up penis wand that Nan had snuck her.

My family was never the sort of family that could be described as a naked family. But nudity was never shameful either, and dad never wore pants in the morning, and mom always started stripping out of her work clothes from the moment she got home when I was a child. Of course, I also had enough close calls with my brothers growing up. I always knew boys and girls were built differently and I definitely remember bathing with my sisters when I was young or showering to get all washed off quickly. I even remember showering with mom vaguely.

While we have both taken turns trying to bring down fevers in the shower with her over the years. Ken was fairly straightforward about not being naked around Owen. Though he had a little issue being the no-pants sort of father at times. Though he went for more well-fitted boxers to make sure nothing was falling out.

While I was still taking baths with her, because well I was a girl and so was she, I hoped that maybe if she thought I was comfortable with my own body, even when I entirely wasn't that maybe she would love her on more one day?

In the end, I quietly venture home to browse dad's old bookshop, to further prepare myself for conversations and child-friendly knowledge for her to see.

"I didn't expect to see you here," Mom says rather awkwardly. Why wasn't she at work? "What are you looking for?"

"Child-friendly books about our anatomy?" I say sighing. "I feel like we had a book growing up. Dad said it was still here somewhere?"

Mom merely hands me the book and walks toward the kitchen. She doesn't ask as she fills the tea kettle. "Is she asking questions?"

"Not really, but you know curiosity killed the cat, and she tried to surprise Ken by jumping in the shower with him, as she does with me some days and while I placated her boys is a different question. Just want to be prepared I guess?" I say awkwardly, folding my arms around myself.

"Rather typical of her age. I noticed you're still at the CBC?" Mom says next. I guess we are doing this?

"Uhh, yeah Sandra is on holiday so I am filling in for a few weeks?" I tell her looking around just wanting to escape. Though Joy's words echo in my head, 'Mom always takes the olive branch.' "It worked out for the best I guess? It's less time, but it's money and gives me time to figure things out," I say with an almost nervous giggle.

"What is your plan?" Mom asks cautiously and I look up in shock that the fact she would even bring it up yet.

"Umm, I mean I told dad," I say to her first and she gives me a look that mostly said I rather hear it from you. "Well, I have to be in Winnipeg by October 15th, we'll drive there I think? Plus, we'll also have Jack as well in the car, so if we make it might be a miracle. We have found a moving company to pick up and move our things. We'll spend a few days in Toronto I think as our staff will take a good week to get to Winnipeg, by the time we get there everything should be there and we'll meet up with the landlord for keys to the place."

"You found a place already?"

"By off chance, Delaney and Trisha went and looked at the place for us after they offered to help us. It's apparently in a nice area and not too far from ballet?" I tell her. "It looks nice on the video chat?"

"Seems like it's all figured out," Mom says after a moment.

"We're going to drive to Halifax and see everyone else. Nan is hoping Theo will be home by then so I can hold him and she can get a photo of that for his album."

"He's just about ready to go the other week, I think he's scheduled to go home in a day or two," Mom tells me. "He's got reddish hair of all things as well to all of our surprise."

"I noticed that in the photo she sent," I say quietly while nodding my head. "Sometimes I wondered if Owen would have the red or not, but she ended up with Ken's."

"I think we all wondered," Mom admits after a pause.

"You know I have to do this right? You never gave up on writing, you never gave up on your dreams because of us kids. I know that you just want the best for me, but this is what is best for me. As hard as it is for you to understand, I need this for myself. I need Owen to grow up and see me try and do this so she doesn't ever think she held me back from my dreams." I tell mom bravely, even if quietly. "

"They practically begged us one time to let you go to the school," Mom admits for the first time. This shocks me into disbelief, one might think they take that to the grave. "Pretty sure they even offered a scholarship to go? And while money was a large portion of our answer, it was never the whole answer."

"I know they told me," I tell her and she looks up almost frightened that I knew. "They remembered my dancing and my hair. I thought it was highly ironic that if you did tell them yes that I probably wouldn't have gone to that party, I wouldn't have been drinking and smoking that joint. Maybe I wouldn't have had Owen, but then I wonder if anything else might have happened, I wonder who I might be if I hadn't had Owen. Would there be more scars? Would I still hate myself, starve myself, hurt myself because it was the only thing that made me feel something?"

"The irony never left your father's and my mind," Mom says honestly.

"When I told them about Owen they were shocked of course, but they didn't say anything else about it other than that that they were glad that I didn't give up on my dreams of dancing. I know that classes aren't going to be always easy or fun, and I have a long way to go, but they see my potential and my passion. On my last evening there, I was dancing with Delaney and Trisha, Clarence and Nina watched me teach two others a dance I was dancing impromptu. They told me to keep notes because working in a company is not just about performance. It's teaching, it's choreographing pieces for smaller shows. It's inspiring the students and giving them someone to look up to, it's knowing how to talk to the media or in pre-show chats."

"I guess we'll just have to come out and see you dance one day?" Mom says carefully. "If we're welcome to."