Chapter 64 – Friendly banter can kill

Esteban had to wait a couple of hours until Don Alejandro offered the soldiers a cup of coffee to keep them alert, which had the opposite effect on them.

After the soldiers fell asleep, sprawled on their chairs, Esteban still waited a while to make sure they would not wake up. Then, he got up and walked to the other room through the front door. Victoria and Don Alejandro were already there, talking to Diego. They all looked happy because he seemed so well already, instead of dying with the poison, like they thought it could happen less than twenty-four hours prior to that. After all the grief and the worry, the conversation was flowing nicely, with plenty of jokes and Zorro anecdotes dominating the chat. Esteban joined in happily, because it was a welcomed change from the anguish, and his own worries and dark thoughts.

ZZZ

"So, you both hit him! That's so unfair!" Esteban said after Victoria and Don Alejandro confessed what they had done, when Esteban asked Diego about his bruised nose and cheek. His mocked disappointment made them all laugh heartedly. "I was the only one who said he deserved a good wallop, and you two said you could never hit him, making me believe I was an ungrateful monster. Thank you, thank you so much, traitors!"

"Hey, wait a moment! Hold your horses. Who are you calling a traitor?" Don Alejandro said, trying to look serious. "He gave us permission to hit him. In fact, he not only told me I could hit him: he actually begged for a blow, several times, many times, so, in the end, as a loving father, I felt obliged to please him, with the wildest smack I could deliver. You should have seen his baffled face after that! He couldn't believe it!" he added, in stitches. "Aaah… I am sorry for that, Son, but it felt so good, so liberating. Thank you."

"You are welcome," Diego said. "I am glad it worked so well for you, as a one-of, because I will never ask you to hit me again, for anything. Ever. You may kill me with the next blow, or leave me dopey for ever."

"You never asked me to hit you, begging or otherwise. I'm so jealous," Esteban said.

"Well, you missed your chance. Too late. Permission for whacking is officially revoked, everybody! If you hit me now, I will retaliate."

"In that case, I better won't hit you, because I already tasted one of your Zorro's punches, and you nearly broke my jaw. But, hey, wait a second… Maybe I should risk it right now, while you are still so weak you couldn't kill a mosquito with your current lack of whacking power."

"Cheeky…" Diego said with a smirk. "But, you won't do that to your favourite cousin, will you?" he added then, while displaying the most pathetic puppy-eyes ever.

"I hate you. Don't use that look on me!"

"He always does the same, doesn't he?" Victoria said, slapping his arm lovingly one more time, but this time she hit him with the cast a little bit too hard.

"Hey, careful with that! What did I say about no more whacking?"

She looked mortified again, so he had to smile.

"I'm fine, don't worry. I'm only joking," he said, tapping her cast lightly. "You know, querida, that look works with you every time. Every time. It is Diego's secret weapon."

He threw a puppy look at Victoria then, one so good that earned him an instant kiss. One of those wet and lingering, the kind of kiss Don Alejandro disapproved before marriage, and specially, in public.

"Children, give it up. Not here," the old don said. "Diego, behave, please, or I'll slap you again. We already went through your lack of willpower, which I think is deplorable, but something I can remotely understand under the unusual circumstances between you two, but, do we need to start again with the gentlemanship lessons? Really?"

"Sorry, Don Alejandro," Victoria said, leaving Diego alone, moving away to sit up straight at the edge of the bed, acting falsely demure, repositioning her clothes prudishly. "But I have to declare it: Diego's puppy look is now officially irresistible. And I better stay away from him."

Diego leaned forward to pass his arm around her tiny waist and pulled with all his will to drag her back to him, as if she weighted a ton.

"Come back here, you, coward!" he said, laughing, bringing her closer, back to his side again, to give her a quick kiss on her cheek. "No more puppy eyes from Diego today, I promise. You are safe for now."

"Why do you refer to yourself in the third person, Son?" Don Alejandro said. "I noticed you have done that several times already."

"I guess I shouldn't. But that has always been my way to keep Diego and Zorro separated in my mind, to keep my sanity. I guess my real me, the spectator of all this charade, doesn't have a name. Should we call him... Paco?"

"No way. I am not marrying a Paco," Victoria said, teasing him, refraining herself from kissing his lips again in front of Don Alejandro.

"Eufrasio?" Esteban said.

"Oh, yes. That sounds much, much better: Don Eufrasio de la Vega," she said, and they all laughed again. "I think Diego would do just fine, mi amor," she said after the laughter subsided, giving in to another kiss, a short, furtive, chaste one this time.

"Yes, and that is also a much better, proper behaviour for the time being," Don Alejandro said, looking at her approvingly.

"Esteban, you said you tasted one of Zorro's punches," Victoria said. "What do you mean? Did he really hit you?"

"Yes. And he nearly knocked me unconscious. He left me sprawled on the floor and left. He is such a brute!"

"As Zorro? When was that? Because if he hit you, that means we were right trying to protect Diego from him, if Zorro could behave so violently, didn't we? Ha! I got you, brute!" Victoria said, teasing Diego again.

"Zorro didn't hit him, querida. Diego did," he said while caressing her flank. "Zorro would never do that. His high sense of righteousness would never allow him to behave like a brute." Except when under hypnosis… but I think I will keep that secret to myself or my father will freak out completely, he thought, remembering the awkward episode with Lozano.

"You hit him? Really? As Diego?" Victoria said, surprised. "Why? And when?"

"Right before you rejected me, before I went to the tavern with the roses in a desperate attempt to woo you because I thought you were about to dump Zorro for him. He can complain about that punch, yes, which at that time he felt it came out of nowhere and unjustified because he didn't know yet he could be about to win over my girl, and not only Zorro's. However, he is not telling you that I had his permission to hit him, for a long time, and I had never used that free card he gave me after officially becoming el idiota."

"Why? I don't understand. Why would he give you permission to hit him, like you did with us?" Don Alejandro said. "What did he do to deserve that?"

"That's a long story, and he can tell you about it himself, if he wants. If he can't take the embarrassment."

"Yes, of course I can, querido Eufrasio, no worries," Esteban said, making them all laugh again. At that point, he didn't like the way Diego stopped laughing abruptly, with a slight grim of pain, but, nobody but him noticed it. Probably all that laughing caused him a lot of pain in his wounds, but Diego didn't want to kill the festive mood in that room by complaining. He knew the feeling all too well himself, because his own ribs were also bothering him every time he laughed. But, after all that angst and crying, laughing was much needed in that room, despite the discomfort it caused the two cousins. "By now, after all this continuous embarrassment I had suffered from you, smartarse, I have become shameless, for ever, so I don't mind telling them. Not at all."

"Go on, tell us what happened," Victoria said. "I am so intrigued."

"I told him he could punch me for endangering you unnecessarily, Victoria."

"When did you do that? When those men took us to the cellar? When I got flogged?"

"No, no, nothing like that. Do you remember that juggler at the circus? I know you do, because you mentioned that last night. The one who missed the club and it nearly smashed you face?"

"Yes. I thought that club would hit me, but you stopped it in time, an inch from my face. How did you have the reflexes to do that? How could you be so fast?"

"That was easy, you see? Because I knew it was going to happen. Like you, avoiding the chandelier."

"How would you know that man was going to lose control of the clubs?" Don Alejandro said.

"Because I asked him to do that."

"What?" Don Alejandro and Victoria said at the same time.

"Yes. I'm afraid, I was so mesmerized by you, Victoria, and you were ignoring me so much, I thought I had to do something to gain your attention. Anything, as idiotic as it could be. I asked that man to do that only to gain a gold star from you, but it was the wrong thing to do, because, although pretending, I could have failed to control the club and it would have hit you for real. Sorry. That was moronic, I know, but you had totally fried my brain like a crispy tortilla from the start. Smartarse here realized immediately there was foul play abound at that circus premier, and I apologized and gave him permission to hit me at some point, when he felt like it, for endangering you unnecessarily."

"And you not only did that moronic stunt that night, did you? You also asked that girl to drop from the trapeze so you could catch her and look like a hero," Diego said.

"Yes, that as well. Thanks for reminding me, smartarse, king of deception yourself!"

"What?" Don Alejandro and Victoria said again at the same time.

"Why did she agree to do that? She could have got killed doing that!" Victoria said.

"I paid her a hefty sum for her help, that's why. And, as I smashed my already sore back on the ground, I got punished for that on the spot, so Diego didn't need to smack me later for that stunt."

"But the greatest, more idiotic stunt of all was… Should I go ahead?" Diego said, obviously enjoying the moment to tell someone else's embarrassing secrets. "Or do you want to tell them yourself?"

"You tell them. I think I am not that shameless yet. Recalling that will still make me blush."

"No! The knife!" Victoria said, taking her hands to both sides of her face, shaking it to the sides slowly. "You didn't!"

"Yes, he did," Diego said. "He also paid that knife thrower to get him as a volunteer for the wheel, and he told him he should miss with one of the knifes for a more dramatic effect, only grazing him slightly, to get your nursing attention. But he never thought he would get impaled to that board, with a knife piercing his leg from side to side."

"No. That was an unpleasant surprise for me as well, of course. I didn't volunteer to be butchered like that."

"You bled like a pig at the matacía," Diego said, laughing so much this time he started coughing and grimacing in pain, making everybody anxious about him. "Oh, please, don't make me laugh so much. You know what happens when you make me laugh, idiota," he said, wincing in pain.

"Well, you started by telling them this story. You did it to yourself this time," Esteban said, handing him the glass of water, as before, to soothe the coughing. "You couldn't refrain yourself form humiliating me even further, could you?"

"No. This was too good to keep it secret at this time of revelations. After all, you guys have been venting all my embarrassing moments while I was unconscious, so it is time to retaliate a bit."

"Will this ever be over?" Don Alejandro said. "Will I ever unearth all the constant hanky-panky that went on around me? You are killing me, really. All of you. It looks like I can't trust anyone. I give up," he said, with his hands up. "You are all going to land me into a mental asylum, you are."

"See? I said you would never qualify for the biggest idiot in the world, mi amor. I knew it had to be him," Victoria said, laughing. "My word, what a shmuck! Volunteering to be butchered on purpose!"

"Thank you, Victoria. That makes me feel much, much better. Gracias. But you know what? It worked. You should have seen your face while fighting with that blonde for my attention."

"I didn't!"

"Oh, yes, you did. We nearly had a cat fight on the spot, while I bled to death."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!" she insisted, knowing perfectly well that had been the case. "You can't remember it that well, because you were about to pass out. Your memories are sooooo distorted."

"My memories are absolutely fine. You fell for it, you dummy."

"No, I didn't," she persevered, with a playful smirk on her face.

In the end, she couldn't pretend anymore and started laughing again, in stitches.

"Oh, well, all right, I confess: I did. I was so jealous of her. After all, she dropped from above to be caught in your loving arms, only to slam your back against the ground pretty hard, missing the sticky caramelized apples by an inch. Which woman would not feel jealous about that? I wanted that to be me with all my heart!"

Diego laughed again, and immediately started coughing, looking very stressed, even more than before, as he could not stop coughing for a long while. In the meantime, none of the others could do anything to help him, looking at him anxiously, hoping he would stop hurting soon. After the coughing episode, it took him a while to calm down, breathe more normally, and talk again.

"Please, what did I say?" he whispered in the end, whinging with his eyes closed. "Stop making me laugh like this. All of you. You are killing me! Me vais a matar de risa."

"He's right. Come on, stop the banter," Don Alejandro said. "All this laughing and coughing cannot be good for him and his punctured lung. Let's leave him alone to rest a bit. He has been propped up straight for a while. Which is a great achievement, considering he is too weak to even wipe his nose without help right now," he said, rearranging the pillows so Diego would still be propped up a bit, but not as straight as before, nor lying flat on the bed either.

"Oi! A little bit of respect, Father. I am still weak, but not an invalid," Diego complained while lowering his rear end on the bed a bit to get a more comfortable posture.

"Now, seriously. You need to rest, Son. Doctor's orders. Just remembered what happened the last time you didn't follow Doctor Hernández's advice: you ended up with a hole that wouldn't heal in your abdomen. The next time something like that happens because you don't comply, I'll tie you up and make him cut you open conscious while I put salt in your wounds. That will teach you to listen to the adults in charge."

"All right, all right. Go away then, and leave me alone. Besides, that sedative you gave to the soldiers is not going to last for ever, is it? You better go back to the other room and close that door before Márquez wakes up and catches us here, de fiesta."

"Do you need anything?" Victoria said. "Do you have enough food, and water, and everything, close by, so you don't fall off the bed again while trying to reach for something?"

"No, I think I'm alright. I have a good selection of stuff at the side table, thank you."

"What about… that?" Don Alejandro said, pointing at his groin. "Do you need to use the chamber pot? Do you need help with that?"

"I can help you, if you want," Victoria said, with a suspiciously hopeful, saucy smirk on her face.

"Victoria, no way you are doing that again while he is awake! I won't allow that!" Esteban said, mocking Don Alejandro's stern voice.

"Oh, so you helped me before with… that. And I missed it," Diego said, smacking his lips, looking very disappointed. "What a shame."

His father slapped the back of his head hard then.

"Ouch! I said permission for whacking is revoked!"

"So is the allowance for hanky-panky! Do you need help or not?"

"No, I think I'm alright for now. Felipe helped me before. Maybe later, thanks."

"All right then. Come one, children," Don Alejandro said, clapping his hands, feeling like the adult in charge at nursery, the way the youngsters were behaving. "Let's get out of here. Let him rest."

"I'll see you later, mi amor," Esteban said, air-kissing him.

"See you later, smartarse," Victoria said with a deep voice, inverting their roles.

"Hasta luego, idiota. Hasta luego, querida. Whichever way you want to take it," Diego said with a grin, following their game.

Don Alejandro rolled his eyes and pushed Esteban and Victoria towards the door, as if herding fractious sheep to a pen, because they were so reluctant to leave the room.

After they left, it took Diego a while to lose that persistent grin from his face. For the first time, he had truly enjoyed a relaxed time of banter with his family. Without secrets, without shame, without having to pretend, allowed to be himself. He could see good times ahead if life was going to be so easy from now on.

Unfortunately, he didn't know that then, but that would be the last time the four of them would be laughing like that, having such a careless, happy, good time.

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