A/N: Hello folks - happy new year! I didn't expect this chapter to be up so quickly; but I thought I would get it all edited and posted since it was done. I have tried to cut down the dialogue a little in this chapter (I seem to just really get on well with writing dialogue for the DA characters) and I have kept it a little shorter too. There was supposed to be an extra scene with Robert and Cora in this chapter, but that will instead be in chapter four; so, don't worry, there will be more Cobert in this Cobert fic.
Flux
Chapter 3 - in which Mary is faced with a difficult decision
Mary didn't feel at all rested when she woke up that morning; ever since she had stayed on in London, the nights she spent at her aunt's house (which were far more plentiful than the night's she spent out at dinners or parties) were riddled with endless inner turmoil. She knew deep down that Rosamond's words had confirmed her worst fears, there had been a leak somewhere and now the whispers of her involvement with the death of Kemal Pamuk were on every tongue in London. At first, she had willed herself into ignorance and hoped that her lack of dinner invitations had come down to nothing more than the fact that she had now seen a number of London seasons and all the focus had fallen to that of her sister's generation. But after a few too many comments from her aunt, parents and, of course, Edith, Mary knew that she needed to accept the worst of it. The best thing she could do for herself was to push through it, the less she seemed like a woman in the throes of scandal, the less likely people were to believe the stories…she hoped. At the very least, she hoped some of her closer friends and contacts would brush the whole thing off as mindless slander; after all, she wouldn't be the first victim of false accusations among their social circles.
She stretched out and absentmindedly ran her hand across the duvet, for someone who lived alone, Rosamond certainly had the finest sheets in her guest rooms. Mary sat up in bed and immediately felt a twinge of pain across her forehead; her sleepless nights were doing her no good…maybe it would be best if she went back to Yorkshire instead, maybe instead of trying to tackle the messy business in London head-on, she should take her leave and let it all blow past her until some other scandalous topic took over the fickle minds of high society. She rubbed her temples with her fingertips and decided that she would simply let the day play out; she knew that both Downton and London would be there for her, regardless of where she wanted to be. She just hoped her reputation would be too.
She didn't feel much better when she went down for breakfast, but she wasn't about to let her aunt pick apart another piece of her; there had been so much talk of rumours and proposals that she was about ready to throw herself into the Thames just for a moment of peace.
"Going morning, Aunt Rosamond" Mary breathed as she walked into the dining room, "I hope I didn't keep you waiting"
She hadn't even looked at her aunt when she'd entered, instead she eyed up the freshly filled cup of coffee that was steaming on the tray that the butler carried. If anyone deserved a coffee that morning it was Lady Mary Crawley.
"Not at all, I've only just sat down myself. There's a telegram for you, by the way" her aunt told her as she gestured to the small envelope that was resting at Mary's place at the dinner table.
"A telegram?"
"You weren't expecting anything then?" Rosamond probed.
"Not a thing – at least nothing that I can recall"
"I do hope it isn't anything serious"
"I doubt it" Mary said pointedly, hoping that her aunt wasn't about to start another discussion on certain pieces of London gossip.
Mary took the paper knife from Rosamond's butler and tore into the envelope with a practiced hand, but when she scanned the words that lay on the page, she couldn't believe her eyes. She read it several times over, checking each time that she had read it correctly or that she hadn't been clumsy enough to miss something out, but after each attempt, she realised that her first read had been the truth. Her jaw must have dropped in a very unseemly fashion, for after only a few seconds her aunt was asking her if everything was okay.
"It's from papa…" she answered, although her sentence remained half-finished. She hadn't meant to be so ominous, but she could hardly process what she had read, let alone say it out loud.
"Is anything the matter?" asked Rosamond, now slightly concerned.
Mary sat up a little straighter and composed herself.
"Everything is fine, but…he says that mama is pregnant"
"Cora? Pregnant? Are you sure?"
"That what it says. See for yourself"
Rosamond took the telegram from Mary and read it repeatedly in a similar fashion to her niece.
"My goodness" was all Rosamond could offer in response.
Mary simply sat in silence as her aunt scanned the telegram. There was so much going on inside her head that she barely knew where to begin. The initial shock came from the news itself. After all she had been through, the last word anyone could use to describe Mary was naïve; she knew better than most people around her what went on between married couples of all ages and statuses. But, regardless of how much she had tried to convince herself that people of her rank gave up that sort of thing after reaching a certain age or after an heir had been produced, she knew that her parents were not like that. She knew they shared a bed for a reason, and even at a young age she had noticed that her parents did not act like the other couples around her. So many of her friends' parents had seemed, for lack of a kinder word, unhappy, and as she grew, she came to recognise that as a result of loveless marriages. For as long as she could remember, her parents had never been like that.
Still, even with her lack of naivety, the last thing she wanted to do was to think of her parents as creatures of passion, she would rather announce that she was twenty-three years old and happily believed that she was brought to her parents by the stork. She steeled herself enough to push any inappropriate thoughts about her parents from her mind and willingly turned her attention to the other topic at hand: the threat of Matthew's prospects.
"I suppose this complicates matters for you and Matthew?" Rosamond offered, seeming to have read her mind.
"It certainly complicates matters for Matthew, but I don't see what it has to do with me?"
"You mean to say that his inheritance had nothing to do with his proposal?"
"If you're implying that I somehow twisted his arm into proposing you're quite wrong. The idea was entirely his. Would I have held off on giving him an answer for so long if my motives were solely focused on the title?"
"Perhaps not. But I doubt you would look as shocked as you do now if you hadn't of at least considered the benefits that would come your way if you did marry him" Rosamond countered.
"I am shocked because my parents are having another child eighteen years after they had their last. It took you by surprise too, don't deny it"
"I don't deny. But seemed to have recovered a lot swifter than you have"
Mary pinched the bridge of her nose.
"This whole matter with Matthew is complicated for many reasons…"
"And why is that my dear?"
Mary rolled her eyes, with the exception of Edith and her father, Rosamond was the absolute last person she wanted being privy to her secrets.
"As I said, for a great many reason"
"That's hardly an answer" her aunt reasoned.
"Well, I'm afraid it's the only answer I'm going to offer"
"Mary, I may not truly know your motives for pursuing Matthew, but from my perspective there is a pattern. I know nothing was official between you and Patrick, but I know there were plans for you two to be wed. And I also know that a positive relationship between you and Matthew was encouraged as soon as he arrived at Downton. Now, here you are contemplating a marriage proposal from yet another heir to your father's estate. I could perhaps believe you if you claimed that your interest in Matthew's proposal wasn't entirely focused on money or the title, but I don't believe that they haven't crossed your mind at some point. If that is the case then you need to have a good think about your future, because with another child on the way, it could be a very different picture for both you and Matthew"
"Why are you saying all of this to me, Aunt Rosamond?" Mary asked with an exasperated sigh.
"Because I think it's time you decided what you really want in your life. To spend your days in grandeur, or to spend them as the wife of a solicitor's wife"
"And what about love?" Mary retorted.
Rosamond raised her eyebrows.
"Is there any? I don't know many people who wait as long as you have when they've received a marriage proposal from someone they love"
Despite not knowing all of the facts, Rosamond had backed her into a corner. Mary knew that there was no way she could truly justify her delay without revealing her darkest secret, and without dragging her mother and her maid into the mud with her. Which begged the question, was she in love with Matthew? In truth, facing such an inquiry scared her. She had never been much good at being vulnerable, and the last time she'd tried it she had ended up with a Turkish gentlemen dead in her bed. She had built a wall around herself after that, but she hadn't realised it until Matthew had tried to break it down. She thought surely love would be enough for her to trust Matthew with her secrets, for she knew she could never enter into a marriage without laying all of her cards on the table, and yet here she was stringing the poor man along without so much of a whisper of the truth.
And despite her aunt's words flaring Mary up, she knew that she was right in some ways, she had considered the acquisition of the fortune when Matthew had proposed, it may not have been her first thought, but it had been one of the most lingering. However, she had not been alone, while her mother may have been overjoyed at the news of the proposal because it meant she would finally be settled, she knew a portion of her happiness came from the fact that her eldest daughter would get what she thought she was rightfully owed. In truth, Mary thought she was owed it too. But it had not been enough for her to accept Matthew's proposal on the spot.
So, she was back to square one. Held back by numerous factors and still without an answer. Rosamond was right, what did she want in her life?
"I just…need to be sure" Mary excused poorly.
"Sometimes uncertainty is as clear of an answer as confirmation or denial"
"Lady Grantham" the butler of the Dower house announced as he led her into the drawing room where Violet was already settled.
"Oh, Cora" she almost exclaimed – if ladies of her calibre did exclaim – as she rose to her feet to greet her daughter-in-law, "how lovely to see you"
"And you" Cora smiled before sitting on the sofa.
"Is it just you, no Robert?"
"No, I'm afraid he's with Cousin Matthew"
"Oh, I see. Breaking the news to him, is he?"
"He is" Cora said – her tone heavy with unwanted guilt, "And, by the way, I am so sorry that you had to find out via telegram. Robert did come to tell you in person, but you had already left for your dinner"
"It's fine, it's fine" Violet claimed while holding up a reassuring hand.
"We didn't want you to find out too late, so telling your butler was what Robert thought best"
"Well, I appreciate being thought of"
Cora merely smiled in response, not wishing to risk to moment of genuine peace between them.
"I must say, it was rather a shock when I heard the news. That's not the sort of thing I would expect from you and Robert"
Cora closed her eyes and held back a smile.
"Be careful, you don't want to speak too openly about such matters"
"Oh, quite right. Well, shock or no shock, I must offer you my congratulations, dear" Violet said, and Cora's heart warmed as she caught the genuine happiness in her mother-in-law's voice.
"Thank you" she replied bashfully.
"I do mean it. I am very happy for you and Robert. I know Sybil's arrival gave us all quite a fright, so you have my blessings and my good fortunes"
Cora's breath caught in her throat. This was a rare side to Violet that she had almost never seen. Evidently there had been some truth to Robert's words, the pregnancy had brought out her softer side. In truth, Cora had expected some more judgement, perhaps a not-so-subtle lecture about propriety and the proper behaviour of a married couple in their forties, but none of that arose. She suspected that the source was the complications that had arrived when Sybil had, and even Violet was not naïve enough to believe that this would be an easy pregnancy for Cora. Still, she found herself becoming emotional over the truly authentic care and concern that her mother-in-law was bestowing upon her. And instead of letting it puff up her ego, she took a few moments to feel truly and wholeheartedly grateful.
"We feel very fortunate indeed"
"But no doubt Matthew is feeling less than fortunate?"
"I do hope he will handle it well. Robert and I just feel awful about the position we're putting him in"
"There is no use fretting over it, my dear. What's done is done – regardless of whether or not it should have been…"
Again, Cora coughed down some laughter at the sheer discomfort Violet was experiencing as she tried desperately to avoid acknowledging just how this baby had been created.
"…none of us will know if it's a boy or a girl until they are born. The best we can do is accept it and carry on with our lives. We can face the future when it arrives"
"I admire your gumption" Cora told her with a slight chuckle.
"I didn't get where I am in life by flapping about matters beyond my control…or matters than didn't deserve my attention" Violet said proudly – her chin titling upwards.
"I believe you" Cora conceded.
"Do let me know how Matthew takes the news, I'll need to know how much sympathy to offer when I see him next"
"I'm sure he won't make a fuss, regardless of how put out he feels"
"Has Mary said anything to you? Does she know?"
"She should know soon. Robert sent her a telegram when we found out, so no doubt she's received it by now"
"Of course, that is another complication in the seemingly endless saga of those two. And another thorn in Matthew's side, no doubt"
"I hope it won't be as bad as all that" she ruminated.
"So, there's no word of the marriage?"
"I'm afraid not" Cora sighed.
"And she's not been in touch with Cousin Matthew?"
"Not that I've heard"
Violet quickly stopped herself before she continued. She realised that she had been dragging out the subject of Mary and Matthew for longer than was perhaps necessary, and when she caught the heavy look in Cora's eyes, she stopped herself. She would never admit it, of course, but she was momentarily afraid that she had been impertinent by focusing almost fully on the negative impact that this pregnancy was having on Cora's own daughter. She changed her angle quickly.
"It's wonderful news, of course" she assured with an awkward gesture of her hand, this wilful appeasing of someone else's emotions felt quite foreign to her, "you must look after yourself" she added, hoping Cora would realise that she was concerned about her wellbeing, even if she struggled to convey it.
Cora titled her chin and smiled with a warmth that had become her architype long ago.
"Don't worry, O'Brian has me wrapped in silk and feathers"
Violet breathed a silent sigh of relief.
"You're lucky. I have a horrible feeling that Simmons is about to hand in her notice"
Cora's heart sank and she found herself supressing quite a loud gasp. A privilege as it may be for them to have their maids, she couldn't begin to imagine what she'd do or how she'd feel if O'Brian were to leave her; after all, they got on so dreadfully well.
"She's looking very fidgety lately" she continued, "and I saw her hurrying to meet the postman"
"Oh, you poor thing. Is there anything worse than losing one's maid?"
Violet sighed heavily.
"I mean, why would she want to leave me? I've been as gentle as a lamb…"
Cora held her breathe, knowing that Violet would have to add to that sentence if she wanted to avoid any criticism of her self-awareness. She shot her a doubtful glance.
"…most of the time"
There is it, she thought with a smirk.
"Mary, are you sure you want to go home early?" Rosamond asked her niece as the staff took the last of her belongings down the stairs and towards the awaiting car.
"Of course I'm sure, why wouldn't I be?" Mary answered stoically as she straightened her hat, trying desperately to avoid another lecture.
"You told Matthew that you would give him your answer when you returned home, did you not?"
"I did"
"If he catches wind of the fact that you've back early, he'll be at Downton and awaiting your response like a shot"
"I'm aware of that" Mary sighed, her annoyance with her aunt's blunt attitude now at its peak.
"Then why are you rushing things? You don't look as if you've made up your mind, so why are you putting yourself in the firing line?"
Mary's eyebrows rose to her hairline.
"I would hardly call answering a marriage proposal a firing line" she shot back.
Rosamond held up her hands and feigned a surrender.
"Fine" she said calmly, "but I don't see what you're trying to achieve if you have not made up your mind, especially now that the matter has been complicated. Are you expecting to be enlightened when you return to Yorkshire and hope that the answer just hits you out of nowhere?"
"I'm not sure what I'm expecting" Mary sighed, "But with news like this, I feel I must go back. If I'm going to rattle around a house and search desperately for an answer, it my as well by in my own. Besides, I want so see Mama and make sure that she is well"
"And what will you do if Matthew comes looking for you?"
"I will keep him away for as long as I can…"
"I wish you would tell me what is troubling you"
"There's nothing" Mary lied, hoping to assure her aunt that the London rumours were nothing more than spiteful falsities.
Rosamond looked at her with heavy eyes and a heavy heart before letting out a defeated sigh. Her niece was as enigmatic as ever, and despite the pain she could see in her gaze, she knew that she would never be able to coax it out of her. The pair moved down the grand oak staircase and Mary felt her stomach begin to knot. She had no idea what she would do when she returned home.
As the car crackled its way across the gravel driveway of Downton abbey, Mary breathed a sigh of relief – it was good to be home. She knew deep down that the stress she had found in London would not have left her alone, regardless of how far across the country she travelled, but for one brief, blissful minute, she felt free. She let her shoulders drop and the muscles in her back relax; she was going to ride this wave for as long as she could, even if it would only be for a minute.
She stepped out of the motorcar and Carson – loyal as ever – was there to greet her.
"Welcome back, Milady" he greeted, "I hope you had a pleasant journey"
"I did, thank you, Carson. I hope you've managed to relax while we've all been away"
"The London season gives me an opportunity to focus on tasks that often cannot be completed when Downton is in use"
"Well, I'm glad the time has been of use to you then. I assume her ladyship has told the staff her good news?"
Carson pretended not to notice the slight strain in her voice.
"She has, Milady. We are all very pleased for Lord and Lady Grantham downstairs"
"Quite right" she smiled weakly.
Carson would never admit it, but right away he spotted the way the shine in Mary's eyes faded in turmoil. He knew that this would be a difficult time for her, and though he would be loath to admit it to anyone else, he had the unwavering urge to abandon all of his propriety and reach out to her, take her into a soothing embrace and tell her that she was strong enough to withstand any storm that would come her away. Alas, he could not, and so, as all good butlers did, he smiled politely and opened the door for her.
"Oh, Mary, welcome home – it's good to have you back" her mother greeted with a wide smile.
Cora held out her arms to her daughter, and she stepped into them gingerly before pecking her mother's cheek.
"Thank you, Mama"
As the two of them stepped further into the Abbey, Mary cast her eyes across the great hall and all the glory that graced its walls as if it were her first time there. But, in a way, every homecoming felt like a first, for no matter how many times she came and went, the warmth that spread across her chest when she stepped back through those large doors never faltered; much like Downton itself, the warmth of coming back was always there, and it was in those moments that the gravity of Downton always being her home would hit her.
"I'm sorry no one else is here to greet you, your father is at a meeting with Murray and Edith and Sybil went into Ripon this morning" Cora excused as they made their way into the library for tea.
"It's quite alright" Mary replied with a smile, and it was the first genuine smile that had crossed her features since the slow down of the London season.
Mary sat on the sofa across from her mother and she let the soft, red fabric embrace her, and without realising it, her head rolled back in relief. Cora cocked her head at her daughter, perhaps her extended time in London had not been as good for her as they both anticipated. But Mary soon clocked on to her lack of decorum, and soon she was sat up in such a way that would make even the strictest of governesses proud.
"How are you feeling, Mama?"
"I'm fine" she replied, and Mary couldn't help but noticed the way that her mother radiated such warmth, as if her smile was being carried by sunlight.
"Are you really?"
Cora chuckled lightly at her daughter's concern for her.
"I am, a bit tired perhaps, but that's to be expected"
Mary noticed then that her mother's voice had quietened, and her usual bright lilt faltered. She took a brief second to study her features, to access if anything could be the matter. But she simply couldn't tell. She knew nothing of what her mother would be experiencing, so all she could do was take her word for it.
"Please do look after yourself" she said seriously.
"I will, but I won't be forced into endless bed rest, you know" she teased, "I hope you weren't too shocked by the news, darling"
Mary smiled to herself and let out a breath of laughter,
"I'd love to make you feel better and say that I wasn't, but unfortunately, I don't think I'm that good of a liar"
"Oh dear" her mother said light-heartedly, "If it makes you feel any better, your father and I were just as surprised – your sisters were too"
"I bet you all were!"
"They've come around now, though – Sybil was especially delighted by the news"
"That sounds about right"
"I do hope you're happy for us too, Mary"
"Of course I am" she replied with a perfectly executed smile – one that left her mother sceptical.
But she was, in a way. Obviously, the news had added to her exasperation regarding Matthew and her claim – or lack thereof – to the estate, but most of her tumultuous emotions regarding her mother's pregnancy simply stemmed from the shock of it all.
"I know that this complicates matters for you and Matthew" Cora continued, and her voice trailed off – hoping to prompt some kind of announcement from her eldest.
But there wasn't one. Mary fiddled with her hands in her lap – finally allowing her guard to drop for the first time in weeks.
"The complication revolves around Matthew more than it does me…has he been informed?"
"Yes, your father told him the day after we found out"
"And how has he taken it?"
"In a most gentlemanly manner, and we are very grateful for that"
"He isn't put off?"
"If he is, he's hiding it well. He told your father that he understood that it couldn't be helped, and that if his prospects should change then he will be grateful for the time he has spent here"
"So he gets nothing?" Mary questioned, as though she was offended on her cousin's behalf.
"You know that he can't have anything. If it were as simple as that, do you really think your father and I would have left you empty-handed? The entail is too strong to be broken, Mary – you know that, and Matthew knows it too"
"Yes, I know. It just seems so unfair that we should drag him into our lives like this and promise him a future and then have to take it all away"
"It's no more unfair than you being our first child and not having a single claim to the estate, or anymore unfair than my own fortune being forever tied to Downton by an unbreakable entail. You make us sound so harsh, Mary" Cora protested, "besides, there is no guarantee that anything will change for Matthew"
"But there is no guarantee that it won't"
"When all is said and done, I have fallen pregnant and now we must sit and wait. You father and I both wish that things weren't so unfair on Cousin Matthew, but unfortunately it cannot be helped"
"I don't mean to be sound unfair" Mary said, her voice softening, "I just detest complication, and I feel as though I've heard enough about this entail to last a lifetime"
"You and me both" Cora soothed.
"I don't have an answer for Matthew, by the way, if that's what you wanted to coax out of me"
Mary watched as Cora let out an almost invisible sigh and her posture softened in defeat.
"Mary…" she began, and Mary knew that her mother was about to force her into yet another difficult conversation, "…why are you so intent on putting him off? Your father and I both thought that everything seemed so set between you two, please tell me you're not holding back because of the baby?"
"I…I don't know" Mary answered desperately.
"Mary?"
"I don't know why I'm holding back. Aunt Rosamond seems convinced that it's because of his prospects…"
"And is it?"
Mary paused for a second,
"I'm not quite sure. At least, it's not sole reason. I can't be blamed for thinking about it, can I? To go from a life at Downton and a potential life as the wife of an heir to a simple set up in a country cottage is at least worth considering…but there's something else that's been holding me back, and it was there long before his prospects became threatened"
"Please tell me this isn't about Mr Pamuk" Cora pleaded.
Mary couldn't bring herself to lie to her mother, not after what she had done for her that night. She had saved her from scandal and disgrace, and she would never be able to repay her for that; the very least she owed her was some honesty. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and sighed.
"I'm afraid it is"
"Mary, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but after what you did, you are walking on very thin ice, especially now that the rumour has already made its way to London"
"People see it as little more than gossip" Mary offered in a poor attempt at arguing.
"Most people see it as gossip, but there are people out there that will believe it Mary, and those people are the ones who will help the rumour grow, and once enough people have heard and believed it, the story will turn into truth, no matter how much you fight for yourself"
"So, what are you saying?"
"I am saying that with Matthew's proposal, you have a real opportunity to avoid the fallout and a chance to be happy. I know the two of you didn't start out on the best of terms, but you get along so much better now. If you're married and settled then the rumour loses its power and you can carry on with your life – start a new life even, with Matthew"
"Is accepting his proposal just for the purpose of protection really much better than doing it because of his title?"
"You can marry anyone with a title, Mary, but not everyone will take you if they believe you aren't virtuous"
"So would you have me enter into the marriage dishonestly?" Mary sniffed.
"I might suggest it if I thought that it could make you happy and keep you away from disgrace"
"And what if he were to find out after we were married and was appalled? He would have every right to be. And then what? Would you expect me to live in an unhappy marriage where my husband sees me as little more than a liar who used him for safety?"
"And what if you tell him before you were to accept but he retracts his offer?"
"Then I would be no worse off than I am now" Mary countered.
"I understand that you have your own standards and morals that you must live by, and I also understand that I cannot force you to change them. And I don't want you to think that I believe you should be punished for what happened that night with Mr Pamuk, because I don't, I only want the best for you, Mary – I want you to be happy"
"I know you do" Mary said – her voice barely audible.
"But I implore you to think very carefully about this. You need to decide if your feelings for Matthew are strong enough for you to want to spend the rest of your life with him, and if they are, you must decide how you wish to enter into the marriage. But remember, this is a real chance at happiness for you, and if you let it slip past you, and if this matter should escalate, you cannot know if or when the next opportunity will come your way"
As tense as they made her feel, Mary appreciated her mother's harsh words – a lot more than she appreciated her aunt's. And Cora was right, Mary needed to take it all into account, the rumours, her security, the inheritance and her feelings for Matthew. Eventually they would all come together to form Mary's answer to his proposal. She knew she had to make a choice.
A/N: Again, sorry for the complete lack of Cora and Robert moments, but once I started writing about Mary's perspective, I realised that there was so much I wanted to explore, especially with her and Cora. I also almost didn't include the scene with Cora and Violet, but I desperately wanted to show a slightly more tender side to her. As I said, there will be some nice Cora/Robert scenes in the next chapter, so I will get working on that right away.
I do have a general plan for this story, but I feel like I'm really struggling with my writing mojo and enthusiasm these days. With that being said, I am going to try and make this story as enjoyable as possible for all you lovely people. But, if you have any reviews, opinions or things you would like to see, do let me know because that would be a great help to me.
- OMC x