A/N: I'm back, back, back again! And a little sooner than expected. I won't say too much about this chapter - as I don't want to give anything away - but I hope you all enjoy it!
Flux
Chapter seven - in which panic ensues
Cora felt terrible as soon as she woke up that morning. From the moment she opened her eyes, she could feel a terrible twisting in her stomach, one that made her want to curl up and shudder, but she was also too afraid to move in case she aggravated it. She grimaced as her mouth began to water and her throat coated itself in saliva. Remaining calm, she took a deep breath through her nose before slowly pushing the air out through her mouth; and instead of focusing on the turn of her stomach, she listened to the slight whistle that left her lips along with her breath. Her steady breathing did nothing to alleviate the nausea, but it kept it steady, and allowed her to remain in bed instead of having to dash to the washroom, and for that, she would sacrifice the comfort.
Slowly, she moved a hand up to her and let her fingertips dab at the beads of sweat beginning to form there. Her skin was warm to the touch, and she suddenly felt suffocated but the bedcovers, but she dared not move or attempt to throw them off herself, for she was sure that the movement would be her undoing and would break the ceasefire between her and the nausea. Instead, she tried not to focus on the heat, the sweat or ache in her abdomen, and instead occupied her mind with thoughts of the day ahead of her. Her diary wasn't exactly full, although she thought she may get Branson to drive her down to the Dower house that afternoon – if her nausea and protective husband behaved themselves.
"Cora?" came Robert's voice, as if he knew she'd been thinking about him, "are you alright?"
"No" she breathed – afraid that if she spoke with too much strength she would fall over the edge, "I feel wretched"
"Is there anything I can do to help? Or would you like me to ring for O'Brian?"
"No, thank you. I think I just need to lie still for a while. Hopefully it will pass"
"I was starting to think this acute morning sickness was beginning to fade for you, you have seemed rather better as of late" Robert commented as he slowly sat up – making sure not to rock the bed – and ran a soothing hand up and down Cora's arm.
"I had thought the same. But I guess I won't be so lucky" she replied weakly, still too afraid to speak with any vigour.
Robert furrowed his brow as he watched her lie so still, her breathing eerily methodical and her mouth agape to avoid the strain of constantly opening and closing it when she spoke.
"It could still work out that way" he encouraged.
"I'm nearly six and a half months pregnant, I'm running out of time for things to improve" she commented, though her tone was not carried by pessimism, just realism.
Robert was quiet for a moment as her words fully sunk in. Six and a half months pregnant. Had it really been more than two months since she had broken the news to him, and their lives had changed yet again? He could scarcely believe it. Sometimes he would catch a glimpse of her and the now larger swell of her abdomen and his breath would be stolen from him as he remembered that she was carrying his child. His darling wife who had already gifted them with three children was soon to bless them with a fourth. He didn't think he would ever wrap his head around it, but he supposed that was a testament to how great a blessing it really was.
He leant a little closer to her, still trailing his hand up and down her arm.
"I still can't quite believe it, you know"
Cora managed to smirk, though he couldn't see it from his position behind her. She had always known that her husband was a secret sentimentalist, even before they had been wed, but sometimes his words or actions would remind her of it in such a way that would make her smile uncontrollably. She always felt so lucky in those moments.
"So, the constant nausea, visits from the doctor and my stomach's sudden increase in size have not been enough to convince you?" she teased, her voice now a little stronger.
Robert smirked to the back of her head,
"Don't worry, I am fully convinced that you are carrying my child"
"Good, because I promise you that I'm not that good of a liar"
Robert let out a light chuckle and brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear before Cora slowly rolled onto her back and sat up ever so slightly. She paused when she reached the desired position and squeezed her eyes shut as she waited to see if her body would allow the movement. After a few moments, it was clear that she could handle the semi-upright position, though her stomach still twisted painfully, and her mouth still watered. She let out an uncomfortable exhale before letting her eyes flutter open. Robert was looking at her with such large and sympathetic eyes that she didn't know whether to reach out and stroke his cheek in reassurance or squirm away from the intensity of his gaze.
"I'm fine" she told him, "It's either beginning to ease or I'm just manging it better"
Robert laced his fingers through hers and gave her an encouraging smile. He said nothing; he didn't need to. She knew that he wanted to take away her pain and her sickness, that he hated seeing her in such discomfort, she knew all of that, and she loved him for his empathy.
"It seems so unfair that it's you who should have to bear the burden of pregnancy for nine months while I can do little more than watch"
"It's refreshing to hear a man admit that for once" Cora smirked, "but you do far more than just watch"
"That sounds like a subtle way of telling me than I'm overbearing"
"Darling, I'm American, I don't do your English subtleties"
"Not with me, at least" he joked.
"Besides, the last word I would use to describe you is overbearing. I feel very lucky that I have a husband who cares so much and choses to be as involved as you"
"Well, you trained me well with the first three"
"Rightly so. I was determined to be more involved with our girls than your mother was with you"
"It wasn't all bad" he mused.
"No, but don't you feel grateful for the memories you made with them when they were young?"
"I do" he confirmed, "and I treasure them"
"So please, be a doting husband, be a doting father. You shall hear no complaints from me" she told him with another smile.
"As you wish"
"Besides, you may as well repay me by looking after me, since this is your fault" she said as she caressed her growing belly with a feathered touched.
Robert laughed to himself,
"I'm not having this debate with you again"
"That just means I'm correct"
He laughed again.
"Do you perhaps we should start thinking about names?" Robert suggested after a few moments of silence.
Cora pushed a smile across her cheeks and looked over at him before gazing down at her belly.
"Yes, I suppose we should" she replied, taking in the fact that their baby would be with them in just a couple of months.
"We have to be more efficient than when we named Sybil"
Cora smirked to herself as she casted her mind back over the frenzy. The complications around Sybil's birth and Cora's recovery had been quite a setback for the family, and so when the christening date did arrive, they realised in horror that they hadn't settled on a name. They had never told Sybil that they had finalised it while they were on their way to the church…
"Have you already thought of any?" he continued.
Cora hesitated for a moment. The idea of names had naturally crossed her mind every now and then, but every time it had happened, the only names she had thought of had been for a boy. She held her breathe whenever it happened, feeling as though the very thought of having a boy was tempting fate, and that if she lingered on the idea for too long it would be snatched away.
She found the strength within her to snuggle up against him – her head resting at the crook of his neck – and he held her gently, tracing light patterns across her back.
"A couple of names have crossed my mind, though they have been almost exclusively boys'names" she admitted.
She caught as he swallowed down his own superstition before pushing it away and allowing himself to look at her with genuine intrigue. He could see a flicker of nervousness in Cora and knew immediately she shared the same trepidations when thinking about the fact that they could have a son, and so he tried to keep the conversation moving, lest either of them dwell on it too long.
"Which ones have taken your fancy?" he asked.
"I had thought that William sounded nice, though it seems a bit strange considering we have a footman with same name" she humoured.
"I suppose it does. I wouldn't want there to be any confusion" Robert chuckled.
"And I've always thought Lawrence was nice"
"Lawrence Crawley" Robert pondered.
"It does seem like quite a large name for someone who will be so small"
"They would grow into it" Robert reasoned, still avoiding the dreaded pronoun.
"What about Joseph?" Cora suggested.
"I think Mosley's Christian name is Joseph"
"Ah" Cora replied quickly, trying not to laugh at the idea of Robert constantly picturing the valet whenever their child would be mentioned.
"There's always Arthur – that's a quintessential English name"
"For a child that will be half American, may I remind you"
"Ah" echoed Robert.
She snuggled further into his embrace,
"What about Samuel?" Cora finally suggested. The name had been sat on her tongue for a while, and the minute she had thought of it a fluttering had built in her stomach. She had been too nervous to say it out loud, but the name felt so right as she did.
Robert pondered it, repeating the name Samuel Crawley over and over until it felt like a name he had known his entire life. Soon that same fluttering began to grow in Robert's chest and a wide smile spread across his features.
"I think it's wonderful" he said warmly before placing a kiss on the top of her head.
Cora moved her head as delicately as she could and smiled bac at him. Robert caught the look in her eye and understood immediately that the nausea was still plaguing her.
"Samuel Crawley" Cora finally said – a warmth spreading through her chest.
Robert cleared his throat,
"I feel we should also make preparations for if we are blessed with another girl"
"You speak as though a name is already on your mind"
"I think you can probably guess what it is" he replied bashfully; and indeed she could.
"Evelyn*"
"Yes" he replied with a nod.
It had been a name that Robert had held onto for some years, and it had been a contender for both Edith and Sybil but had inevitably lost the vote in the end. This time, however, the last time they would ever have this discussion, finally felt like the right time.
"I would love to call her Evelyn" Cora told him – causing his eyes to sparkle.
"It's about time the name gets a chance" Robert teased.
"I agree" Cora smiled, "Baby Evelyn or baby Samuel" she mused aloud, noting how the whole thing suddenly felt so much more real.
"Such fine names" Robert said before momentarily stopping his caresses, "Cora I– well, I'm so very happy" he breathed – his smile soppy and his gaze soft.
She managed to shift slightly and look up at him,
"So am I, darling. I know we have both said it a thousand times before, but we have been given such a gift. And despite the sickness, the risks and everything else that this pregnancy has involved, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world"
"And I return those sentiments tenfold. I feel so very lucky that we have been given this gift"
And it was a gift. A final chance. A final chance to build their family just a little bit more, to raise one more child and one more chance to have a physical representation of their love. And, of course, one more chance at having a son…
"I'm sorry, Robert, but I'm going to have to lie down again" Cora said restlessly before slowly sinking down onto her back and turning onto her side fearfully as the twisting in her stomach once again grew in severity and her mouth watered yet again.
She let out several shaky breathes as her stomach churned angrily and the sweat once again returned to her brow. She began to squeeze her eyes shut, willing and begging the agony to go away, but it was all to no avail; her only comfort was the unbroken presence of her husband beside her.
"Do whatever you need to do, my dear" he said softly as he stroked her hair soothingly, noting that her skin had become rather pale "would you like me to leave you to rest?"
"Could you stay for just a minute or two?"
"Of course I can" he replied with undying assurance as he settled behind her and caressed a gentle pattern up and down her arm and staying with her until sleep claimed her once again.
A few days later, Cora once again found herself resigned to bed rest, and despite her annoyance with it, her resilience had grown. She was, after all, a patient person. She had not taken well to being forced into the tedious activity, but when she was taken over by a bought of nausea or light-headedness, she welcomed the comfort of her bed or a cosy armchair with open arms.
She had been fortunate with her nausea since she had discussed names with Robert and had only been plagued for short periods of the day, and she had truly started to believe that the fury of her half-diagnosed condition was beginning to calm; unfortunately for her, there was a symptom that had been there from day one that was now beginning to take the place of the nausea: dizziness. To feel like-headed was normal enough when expecting, Cora knew, but during the past few weeks she felt as though she could barely stand without feeling the instant need to sit back down; and focusing on anything beyond a book or needlepoint made her want to squeeze her eyes shut until her head stopped spinning.
It had made her feel uneasy, despite the normalcy of the side effect, its newfound frequency had panicked her, and the haunting words for her early appointments with Doctor Clarkson echoed in her mind with an unwelcome voice; high risk, pre-eclampsia, caesarean, warning signs…it all spun through her mind until she felt exhausted from the effort of trying to block it out. She had wanted to discuss it with Robert, to continue the honesty she had practiced with him from day one, but it felt selfish to share her panic so soon, when it was likely just a normal part of pregnancy for a woman her age. So, she had stayed quiet, not with the intent to be dishonest, but in the hope that she could quell her own unease and spare her husband from unnecessary worry. He already hovered around her like she could break at any moment, and she didn't want him under any more stress.
He would never admit it, but since his discussions with Major Johnson and the revelation that the British army were not interested in him, he had become pensive, and she often caught him brooding in moments when he thought he was alone or when no one was paying him any attention. Their children had noticed too. It was only a subtle change in him, but with the rapidly changing tides across Europe, they all knew what had caused his newfound hobby of contemplation. Cora didn't want to add any further burdens to his shoulders.
"Is there anything you would like me to bring you, my lady? Any extra blankets or pillows?" O'Brian asked as she held the bedroom door open for Cora.
"No thank you, O'Brian. I think I just need to lie down for a moment"
"Would you perhaps like a glass of water, or maybe a book just in case you start to feel better?"
Cora smiled at her maid and her heart warmed as she witnessed the clear care and consideration she had for her. She was quite sure that both O'Brian and Robert would wrap her up in feathers and blankets if they had the chance.
"I think I will be okay. But thank you, O'Brian – truly"
"It's no trouble, Milady. I just want to make sure you're healthy"
"And I am very grateful. I will ring if I need anything"
"Very good, Milady"
Robert, meanwhile, was in the library, where had Cora had been just moments ago when she had complained of feeling light-headed and announced that she was going to lie down. He had doted on her, of course, offered to help her upstairs and sit with her, but she had denied him in an effort to play down the situation and keep him from worrying. She wasn't sure how successful she had been, but she had said enough to keep him from physically carrying her to the bedroom and tucking her in. She supposed she couldn't blame him given the abundance of medical talk and warnings they had been subjected to, and he had been a nervous expectant-father throughout all of her pregnancies.
He was unmoving in the library as he stared out of the window – Isis lying loyally at his feet. His eyes were trained on the horizon, of the grand entranceway to his estate and the trees and natural greens that he had studied his entire life, right down to every single dip and slope. He always felt an immense sense of pride when observing his home, but now his mind was overflowing with thoughts of what was happening beyond, across hills and fields just like the ones that made up his legacy: war. The beginnings of a war were spreading just an ocean away on land that was once peaceful like Downton, and that thought of it all happening without him made his chest feel heavy, as if he was being dragged beneath the soil by some great force that he was powerless to stop.
He knew he had to shake his feelings of uselessness, that the rules were rules, and they could not be helped, but he felt as though his identity was being taken from him. In the Boer war he had been a soldier and had seen himself as one ever since, now he felt as though he had no right to the title, that he could call himself nothing else than an earl. And while his title gave him pride, it was nothing like the pride of being able to say that he did his duty for his country and his people. Who was if, if not a man that fought for his country?
"Papa?" came a voice from the door, and he whipped around to find his youngest daughter looking at him cautiously, "are you alright?" she asked timidly as she took a few more steps into the library.
"Yes, I'm fine, dear" he excused, "I just got lost in my thoughts for a moment there"
Sybil cocked her head at him, and Robert could see clear as day the curious spirit that she had become, so full of intrigue and passion. He knew his poor attempt at hiding the truth had not worked on her. He pursed his lips uncomfortably in anticipation.
"I know why you're unhappy, Papa"
"I'm not unhappy" he told her, "Your mother is expecting, and we all have our health, I have nothing to be unhappy about"
"Perhaps unhappy is not the right word, but anyone can tell that something has been bothering you lately and…well, I know what it is"
"Do you?" he asked, knowing full well that she would know exactly what was going on with him.
She nodded.
"I know that you're upset because you can't enlist. You had settled on the compromise to wait until the baby was born like Mama asked, but now that the option has been completely taken away from you, you feel lost"
Robert stayed quiet, his expression stoic and giving her the room to continue.
"I understand why you should feel sad, I expect I would too if I couldn't do something dutiful that meant a lot to me"
"Or if part of your identity was taken away" Robert added listlessly.
"Don't you see, Papa, your identity hasn't been taken away, the time you spent as a soldier will always be a part of you. You did your duty when you could, and no one can take that away from you"
Robert opened his mouth to protest but was cut off by his daughter.
"Even if you can't fight now, you will always be able to say that you helped your country; the experience will always be yours and people will see you as an example of what it means to be a soldier. Not being able to enlist doesn't mean that you are unwanted or that you have failed, it simply means that it is time for you to find a new way to help"
"You're not the first person to tell me that"
"I assume Mama said the same thing?"
"She did" Robert nodded.
"Then you must listen to her because she is right. Do you think all the women or young boys who can't help feel like failures? I'm sure they are disappointed, but they know it's not something that can be helped. Instead, they do what they can, because everyone has something they can contribute to every scenario, even without a war. We will always need people to train, to heal, to support, and there is always a role we can step into"
"Much like Major Johnson, loathed as I am to mention his name"
"Yes, of course. But you have the right idea. You and he both served your country when you could, now that is no longer an option for you, it is time to let the new generations step up and for you to find a new way to lead" then she smiled, "We all have a part to play, and each one is a valuable as the next. You can't build a house of cards with only the top layer, so why should life be any different?"
Robert felt a warmth spread across his chest at Sybil's inspiring words, and he suddenly realised what a fine, young woman she'd become; one who was obviously wise beyond her years and one of the kindest spirits he had ever known. He smiled at her then, a warm and genuine smile the lit up his eyes and helped him to feel truly content.
"You know, I am immensely proud of you, Sybil" he said in a rare moment of vulnerability.
"Of me?"
"Yes" he assured, "for the first time in days, I finally feel like I can be content with my new lot in life, and I have your fine words to thank for that. You are a good speaker"
Sybil bowed her head and blushed,
"I just didn't like to see you unhappy"
"And that means a great deal to me. As do your words"
He opened his arms to her then, and Sybil stepped gently into them, wrapping her arms around her father's frame and they both allowed a brief moment of role-reversal; a moment where he, the protector, needed protecting.
"I don't think you need to worry about me feeling upset anymore" he said softly.
Robert rubbed his temples with one hand as he finished his cup of tea. Without his wife or youngest daughter as a buffer, afternoon tea had become a bit of a sparring match for Mary and Edith. It seemed that every time one of them said something, the other always had a retort ready, and the constant stream of verbal boxing was beginning to give him a headache.
Still, he tried to be lenient with their tumultuous emotions. Mary was mourning the end of her relationship to Matthew, something that Robert still couldn't fathom in spite of how many times he had pressed Cora for more details or sat down with Mary in an attempt to comfort her, and Edith seemed lost with her constant visits from Anthony Strallen. Though, if he were to be honest, he was glad to see the back of that relationship. He wanted her to be happy, of course, he wanted all his children to be happy, but he couldn't bring himself to let Edith give herself away to a marriage that would end with her being a carer more than a wife.
He let out a minute sigh. Everything seemed so complicated for them both. They had come so close to happiness and now it had all been turned around. He hoped that the tides would turn once more.
"Of course, Cousin Matthew has enlisted" Edith said, casting a judgemental eye across to her sister.
Robert caught the look they gave each other and felt downcast over the evidence of their seemingly unending feud. He wondered what on earth they could be fighting over this time, but given the sharpness of Mary's eyes, he decided that he probably didn't want to know.
"Of course he has" Mary said with a shrug.
"Do you expect me to believe that you're really that fickle?" Edith criticised.
"What would you like me to do? Burst into tears in the middle of the library before suddenly running off and begging him to stay?"
"It would be a welcome change to see you show some emotion over the people around you. Especially those you intended to marry" she retorted, obviously criticising Mary's reaction to her loss of both Matthew and Patrick.
"Neither of my engagements have ever been finalised, thank you. Besides, what Matthew choses to do is none of my business"
"So, that's it? He's out of your life and you suddenly don't care? Regardless of the fact that he is still family"
"Why must you always be so melodramatic? Matthew is free to do as he chooses, and with a war on I can hardly criticise him for signing up to fight for his country"
Edith was about to retort when she felt compelled to look at her father. She, like everyone else in the household, knew that he had been brooding over his lack of use to the army, and she feared that Mary's comment would drag him back into a hole. But to her surprise, she could see no trace of downcast on him, only a mild discomfort that had obviously come from her squabble with her sister.
"Are you two quite finished?" he patronised.
"Of course" Mary replied, resenting that fact that he was reprimanding them like children.
"You seem better today, Papa" Edith commented.
"Was I ever not well?"
"We all know that you have been rather dejected since you learned of the war office's restrictions on recruitment, and I just thought you seemed a little brighter today"
Robert smiled at her and felt his cheeks flush over his daughter's account on his emotions. Sometimes he was so busy trying to be the head of the household that he forgot he needed looking after too; and during the past couple of days, it became clear to him that his wife and children were always looking out for him, even if it was behind the scenes, they were always keeping their eyes on him, ready to step in and offer him whatever help he needed.
"I had a rather nice conversation with Sybil a couple of days ago" he explained, "and it helped to put a couple of things in perspective for me"
"Well, whatever she said, it seems to have worked" Mary added.
"You know how Sybil is, she seems to have a very unique perspective on the world"
"That's usually a word you use when you want to covertly criticise" Mary told him with a raised eyebrow.
Robert held up his hands in a gesture of mock surrender.
"No, no, the compliment is genuine this time, and I have to admit that she helped me figure a few things out"
"Well, I'm glad"
"Where is Sybil?" Edith asked.
"I think she went to talk to Branson about driving her into Rippon" Mary answered.
"Poor Branson, I feel as though she gets him to drive here all about the place" replied Edith.
"Well, that's what I pay him for, I suppose"
They looked up as a sound came from the door.
"Hello, Mama" Edith greeted.
"I thought you were resting?" Robert asked suspiciously.
"I was, but I needed to speak with Mrs Hughes" Cora explained as she made her way towards her husband.
"You didn't go down to the servant's hall, did you?" he asked, studying her delicate frame and swell of her stomach before feeling a sense of dread as he pictured her trying to navigate the narrow and winding staircases.
"No, no, she met me in my sitting room" she said lightly.
"Are you going to join us, Mama?" questioned Mary.
"I was actually invited to tea with your grandmother; I came to ask if anyone wanted to come along, but I can see you've already started"
"We would have waited for you, but as Papa said, we thought you were resting"
"It's fine, dear. I must be going now anyway; Branson should be waiting for me"
"You're not overdoing it, are you?" Robert asked protectively, "you do look rather pale again"
She smiled at his comment but gave him a look that assured him she was okay.
"I'm sure that's just the lack of sunshine" she quipped.
"Very well, I shan't stop you" he conceded.
"More like you can't stop her" Mary teased. – which Robert chose to ignore.
"I'll walk you out, I need to speak to Carson anyway"
"I'll see you girls later" Cora said with a smile before heading to the door, Robert trailing only a few steps behind her.
She made it about halfway before the dizziness that she had been hiding suddenly picked up, and she stopped dead in her tracks as she tried desperately to stop the room from spinning. But it was no use, her vision became fuzzy at the sides and the gentle bend of the walls around her drew her deeper and deeper into the abyss. She took a step back – attempting to steady herself – but it only caused her sense of imbalance to grow.
"Cora? Are you okay?" came Robert's voice from behind her; she knew he was only a step away, but it felt like his voice was miles away, travelling in distance until she was alone in the room.
She attempted to turn to him, to excuse her momentary imbalance and assuring him that everything was fine, but as soon as she moved her body the world in front of her seemed to collapse. And that's when she fell.
With lighting reflexes, Robert shot forward and grabbed her – her name leaving his lips as she fell limp into his arms. He sunk to his knees, bringing the body of his wife gently down with him resting her upon his lap. Mary and Edith shot from their seats in a flurry of panic as Robert tried desperately to wake her.
"What do we do?" Edith exclaimed.
"Edith, go and phone Doctor Clarkson, Mary, you go and get Branson, tell him we need to get her down to the hospital immediately" he choked out.
Both women scurried out of the room as quickly as they could, leaving Robert in a heap on the floor.
"Cora? Cora?" he beckoned desperately, "Darling can you hear me?"
His hands began to shake as he held her, and his body wracked with fear as she showed no signs of responding to his pleas.
"Please say something, darling" he begged, his voice beginning to crack.
It was then that he noticed red droplets across the wooden floor where she had been standing. Blood. Blood that had come from her.
A stray tear streaked down his cheek as he suddenly let out a sob.
"Please"
* Evelyn with the female pronunciation ('Eh-ve-lin') not like Mary's friend Evelyn ('Ee-vu-lin) Napier. Evelyn was a very popular name for girls at the start of the 1900s.
A/N: Please don't hate me! Again, I don't want to give anything away about the direction of the story, all I can do is promise to get chapter eight written as quickly as possible (though life is a bit hectic for me at the moment).
But I really hope you all anjoyed this.
As always, thank you to everyone who has left such lovely reviews. I love them so much and they always make my day.
See you soon!
- OMC