Chapter 88 – Unhappily married

That was one of the most embarrassing conversations Diego had ever had in his entire life. Of course, he had never talked to his father about sexual matters like this before, but desperate times called for desperate measures. He was glad to know his father could talk nonchalantly about his own erectile dysfunction episodes, so lightly and casually, making jokes; however, Diego wasn't so happy about that last visit to Collado's widow. But Don Alejandro was a man, and as such, he had needs, as he liked to call them. Mainly the need for company and intimacy, a yearning that, as far as Diego knew, had not been satisfied for years. And the affair had finally ended now. Who was he to judge anybody on improper behaviour, even less his own father?

He headed back to Victoria's bedroom mulling over his new worry: if Victoria ever found out they had talked so openly about her sexual life, she would be mortified, unable to look at her father-in-law in the eye anymore. It was bad enough Doctor Hernández, Pedro and Mendoza had all seen her naked and in trouble. This new assault at her intimacy would be too much for her. Too much, as fragile as she was now. She should never find out about that talk.

Diego knocked on the door softly. When he got no answer, he came inside her bedroom. She was still in bed, hiding under the sheets, crying her heart out again. He closed the door and slowly walked to the bed to sit down beside her, afraid of touching her.

"Please, Victoria, don't cry. I know it is extremely difficult for you not to do so, but it hurts me so much to see you crying like this."

She suddenly sat up straight then, looking at him with rather accusatory, drenched, red eyes.

"It hurts you? I am the one hurt, because you don't love me anymore! You were lying when you said you do, because you don't want to touch me now, not even with a barge pole! It's so obvious to me. You just felt obliged to do so before, and that's why that happened!"

He looked at her, shocked by that explosive reaction. Acting like this, so erratic, did nothing to reassure him that she wasn't losing her mind for real.

"That's not true, and you know it," he said, caressing her shoulder to make his point.

"Prove it! Right now," she said, starting to remove her gown furiously. "Take me. Now. Come on!"

"You cannot be serious... Por favor, don't do that. Stop!"

Good Lord! Yes, she's serious. Damn!

She got herself naked in a rush, throwing the gown and her underwear to the floor, and lay still in bed, waiting for him to do something, anything, but her crazy antics didn't help the situation at all, and he didn't react, shocked by her attitude.

Diego looked at her briefly before his eyes wandered down to his still missing erection. Seeing her naked and ready for him like this would have resulted in an instant hard-on any other time, but not today. He doubted it would happen at all that day, even if he tried again with all his might.

"I only needed to snap my fingers before and Bulgy would make an appearance, like magic. Where is it?" she said, also eyeing his groin. "See? Nothing, and it's only because you don't want me anymore. Because you think I'm filthy now, damaged and unworthy, which I am."

For crying out loud! Will you stop taking that line of thought, please? Diego screamed inside his head, closing his eyes for a moment, pushing away the crude images of that hideous man bouncing on top of that gorgeous, naked body, the upsetting images that kept creeping into his mind all the time now. Then, he held onto the only excuse that crossed his mind to justify his lack of enthusiasm.

"Look, preciosa, it's not that, not at all. After what happened here today, I can't do this, sorry. I can't focus, because I'm too upset. I can't shake off the feeling that I nearly died again. Too many guns aimed at me recently. I'm too shaken, and I can't get an erection, sorry. It happens sometimes, to all men, even to the best of us. So far, you have been lucky, because Bulgy has always delivered before," he said with a wink to lighten up the situation. It worked, because it made her laugh.

"Yes, lucky me, Bulgy was always ready when I felt the heat. But, maybe if I talk to him a little…" she said then, sitting up again, reaching for his groin, trying to get the front of his trousers open.

"No, please, leave it. Don't embarrass me even further," he said, holding her hands. "I don't think you are ready to make love, anyway, even if you want to please me so much today. Look, why don't we wait for our wedding night, and we make it special, like it is for other couples that had not been so naughty, and have waited until they got the blessing from the priest? Yes, let's make that night a special one for us too."

"All right. Yes, I think you are right. Let's wait for Saturday night then," she said, leaving his trousers well alone.

They both sighed internally with relief. They would have four days to compose themselves, learn to ignore the memories of the rape, and start a new sex life from scratch, learning to love each other again. But, she was still worried about being pregnant.

Then, as if Diego could read her mind, while helping her to put the nightgown back on, he asked her if she wanted to take some herbs.

"Victoria, I'm not sure how to suggest this, but… I know you are worried in case you are pregnant. Do you know there are certain herbs that could help to terminate an unwanted pregnancy? Women have been taking them for centuries. Not that I am really in favour of this practice, but I wonder if it is something you would consider taking. Only if we confirm that you are pregnant, of course, because most of those remedies have very nasty side effects."

She looked at him, blinking in disbelief. Finding out if she was pregnant would be easy, if she waited only a few more days, because she was so regular she never went over 25 or 26 days until her next period.

Terminate an unwanted pregnancy. That was another way to say "abortion". That's exactly what she wanted to do, but she couldn't. She couldn't kill an innocent life like that. No way. Besides, that was considered a sin. He had already sinned by killing that evil man, and he didn't want to go to confession and ask for forgiveness. She could not let that horrible man distance them from God any further.

No. Even if she carried in her womb the seed of evil, that innocent child would be born.

"Diego, I don't want to be pregnant with that bastard's child. I really don't. But I can't put an end to a new, innocent life, as much I would like to. I can't."

"Good, because I don't like the idea of inducing a miscarriage either. Now that we are clear on that, let's move forward. Will you step out of this room today at all, or will you…?

"No," she said before he finished the question, hiding again under the sheets, hugging her pillow.

"I didn't think that would be the case… At least don't latch the door, please. Rest now, dear, I'll come back later with your lunch."

"Gracias, Diego."

"De nada, mi amor."

He kissed the top of her head —the only part of her anatomy still visible— and sighed before he left the room. That was going to be a long, long day. Followed by a few more, very long days until Saturday.

ZZZ

During the next four days Diego and Victoria avoided each other as much as possible while keeping themselves busy with the preparations for the wedding. She spent a lot of time preparing her mother's wedding dress with the help of María, Pedro's wife, who was a gifted seamstress, and he spent most of his time at the pueblo, away from the house, which was fine for her. Although, there wasn't much for him to prepare there, because there would be no party, only a reception after the wedding.

Most of the time their minds were occupied by a single thought: the wedding night. For him, it was an issue of performance anxiety. For her, it was fear, apprehension, and rejection.

She hated it, but she couldn't help it: after that weird act she had put on, trying to lure him to her bed right after she nearly killed him, now she dreaded the moment when he would try to make love to her again. After that sexathon at the cave when they got married in secret, and all the times they had been intimate since, how could she be so anxious about having sex on her wedding night, like an inexperienced virgin bride? It was a ridiculous notion, but true. She was fretting about getting intimate with Diego now.

Oh, Lord. Why? Why is this happening to me? she thought on Friday night, the last night she would sleep on her own, alone in her bed.

Time went on slowly, but before she knew it, she found herself dressed in her mother's wedding gown, holding a beautiful bouquet made with the best of Don Alejandro's roses, walking arm in arm with him down the aisle to meet Diego at the altar.

The wedding was a quick, awkward ceremony in the late Saturday afternoon. One full of serious, but sympathetic faces, lacking the joy that usually accompanies such social events. It wasn't the kind of wedding Victoria had imagined in her dreams, not at all. Through the duration of the ceremony, she looked sad and detached, willing to get back to her room, away from all that people who gave them their good wishes for a happy married life while they looked at her with such pity in their eyes. She couldn't stand it.

As they got out of the church, Sergeant Mendoza waited outside to congratulate them. Victoria couldn't look at him in the eye, and lowered her gaze to his shiny, polished boots instead.

"Congratulations. I'm so happy to see you two finally married. It was time."

"Thank you, Sergeant. For everything," Diego said, with a hand resting on his shoulder.

"I hope you have a happy life together and you overcome these difficult times. I really do."

"Gracias," Victoria said, using all her courage to look at him briefly. The way he stared back at her, showing so much sadness and compassion, broke her heart. Tears flooded her eyes again, and she blinked to avoid spilling them. Mendoza had the good sense of not telling her "Please, don't cry" and moved away from the couple, giving her a moment to compose herself.

There was a brief reception at the tavern, where people gathered to eat, drink, and gossip after the ceremony, and then the newlyweds returned home to the hacienda. No dance or party followed the event. Nobody was in the mood to party, specially the bride and groom.

After the wedding, Victoria went straight into her room, hiding in there, as she had done for the whole week. But that would not be her room anymore. She should move to Diego's now. Something she really didn't want to do.

"Diego, where's Victoria?" Don Alejandro asked after they returned home, because she had disappeared so quickly. "She's not back in her room, is she?"

"Yes, she is," Diego said, taking a seat in the parlour. He still didn't want to go into the library or use his favourite armchair.

"Is she all right?"

"I don't know. At least she didn't have a breakdown with all that people looking at her the way they did today. I thought she was going to lose it when Mendoza congratulated us."

"She should sleep in your room tonight, Diego, not in the guest's room. That will also be her room from now on. Are you still going to… you know? What we talked about before."

"Yes, that's the idea, Father, but I can't shake off these uneasy feelings of performance anxiety… What if I can't do it?"

"Don't be silly, you'll be fine. Relax, and stop thinking about it, or it won't happen. It's all in the mind, Son."

Reluctant to go into the marital room, and indeed, bed, Diego visited Pedro first. María told him happily her husband had passed the bullet in his stools that afternoon, while they were out at the wedding. She had kept it in a bowl, now clean, and she showed it to Diego, who held it between his thumb and index finger to look at it closely.

"Look at that little beauty… I told you, Pedro Cagafuegos."

"You are not seriously going to call me that now, are you?" Pedro said, laughing lightly.

"Nah, only to tease you. I'm so glad you are getting better," Diego said, leaving the bullet back in the bowl. "How's the pain today?"

"A bit better, but I could do with more painkillers."

"You know I'm going to cut the dose soon, rather than increasing it, don't you?"

"Yes, but not today, please. Today should be a happy day: I passed that bullet, and you got married. Congratulations, by the way. It is official now."

"Yes, thank you."

Diego gave the sick man another dose of the coca leaves mix, and then they stayed silent for a while, until Pedro talked again, with mocked reproach.

"Estimado señor De la Vega, I really appreciate your dedication with the sick and needy, but, what are you doing wasting your time in here instead of being with your wife on your wedding night? Go with her, please."

"Yes, you're right, I should do that," Diego said, standing up. "Rest now, I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'll try my best. Good night."

"Hasta luego, buenas noches."

ZZZ

She wanted to ignore that knock on the door so much, but was there any point? She sat up in bed when Diego came in, with her wedding dress still on.

"Victoria, what are you doing in here? You disappeared so quickly I didn't know where you went," he lied. Of course he knew.

"I needed a moment to myself. I know I should move to the marital room now. Your room. Our room."

"Yes, and I'm going to take you there properly, as you deserve, mi preciosa," he said, taking her in his strong arms.

Another time she would have laughed, but she just let him take her as if she was a doll, with zero inclination for romance, joy, or laughter.

Oh, God, I don't want to go through this, she thought, sharing a similar thought with Diego.

When they got there, he kicked the door, walked in, and left her gently on the bed. She lay still, looking at him with wonder, and he stared back at her with the same question in his eyes: now what?

ZZZZZ