CHAPTER FOUR – MEANINGFUL READING (YuKi)

Naoki closed his notebook and stretched his arms out, letting out a relieved sigh as he did. A quick glance at the nearby wall clock told him that it was only nine-thirty in the evening. Pleasant surprise gripped him a little; he had expected to be done with his homework at around ten. He went over to his bedside table, took a look at his cellphone, and saw that he had three text messages: two from Kenta, one from Daisuke.

"who's done w/ the math hw? looking at u naoki"

"did any of u guys borrow issue no. 5 of my band fist revo manga, pls reply ASAP panicking rn need it for natsuki tomorrow"

"nvm monika just messaged me, gonna do this by myself #Responsibility"

Naoki laughed, thankful for the humor that his friends had unwittingly delivered through their text messages. It helped give a busy evening a bit of respite. Schoolwork was starting to snowball, though it was nothing that he could not manage yet. A couple of hours devoted to finishing everything in the evening was all it took to clear up any given academic workload for the day. He had been following this schedule ever since he had started school, since it gave him extra time to read his favorite books afterwards.

The thought of reading, however, brought him to Yuri. Naoki fell silent, both inwardly and outwardly.

Yuri was extraordinary. There was no other word for her that Naoki could think of at the moment. Never before had he met someone with a more contrasting personality than her, highly knowledgeable and passionate, but also greatly reserved and socially awkward. But that did not make her too complicated or difficult to understand; in fact, it only served to make her even more interesting.

Over the past two weeks that they have been talking to one another as seatmates and classmates, discussing everything they could about the books they have read, Naoki could see a bit of his own persona in Yuri's social awkwardness—and a considerable amount of intellect as well. Among the triumvirate he was part of with Daisuke and Kenta, he was regarded as the smart one by virtue of his good academic grades and his eyeglasses, the figurative superego to Kenta's id and Daisuke's ego. It earned him some measure of admiration from his peers, since they respected academic prowess as much as they respected those who were skilled in other fields in school, like sports and arts. However, that had not always been the case. School life can be tumultuous sometimes, and Naoki had experienced his fair share of being talked about behind his back and even bullying when he was in middle school, simply because his smarts and appearance typecast him as a nerd in the eyes of some. His relief to that came in the form of Kenta and Daisuke, who stuck with him and helped him get past the bullying without judging him for being the smartest among the three of them. Naoki mused that perhaps Yuri had gone through similar experiences, but that she never had any friends that could stick up for her.

He walked over to the bookcase in his room and picked out one of the many books that he had already read—Dreams from Dystopium. Ever since he had begun talking with Yuri more, Naoki's interest in horror books had been rekindled, especially after Yuri had offered him a lot of insights about the books that she had already read. Privately, it made him want to catch up to her, and it instilled in him a desire to start reading newer works—particularly ones that he knew he could share with Yuri. For now, he sat back down at his desk and opened Dreams from Dystopium.

The book was a Western work, and it told the experiences of a man named Curt Morgan, experiences that began a year after his wife and only child had died in a car accident. Left all alone and slowly becoming depressed, Morgan turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with his loss, eventually shunning public life and distancing himself from his relatives and friends. The titular dreams come when Morgan soon finds himself wandering in a landscape that looks to be a twisted amalgamation of the real world and the grief in his mind, complete with eldritch creatures that seemed to be both benevolent and hostile to him—the only catch of this is that anything he seems to do in this dystopic dream world also affects the real world.

Within the next thirty minutes, Naoki soon found himself engrossed once more in the book, writing down a few notes and smiling at his own interpretations of a few parts. He had done so in the past, just like what he had told Yuri during their first encounter, but he was enjoying it even further as he knew that he could share it with her the following day. It was a lively and engaging experience, and he sensed that this was the same type of enthusiasm that Kenta and Daisuke undoubtedly felt where Monika and that pink-haired girl named Natsuki from 3-D were involved.

Tomorrow would be another productive day indeed.

Yuri sighed as she stared outside the classroom's windows. Naoki would be back from having lunch with his friends by now, and though they still had around fifteen minutes of their lunchbreak remaining, she always wished that time would stop and let lunchtime last forever. If only she had the same kind of confidence that Naoki had, she would walk out of the classroom and into the corridors to meet him halfway. For now, though, she could only sit and wait.

Waiting was always the toughest part.

She twisted a lock of her purple hair around her finger, watching the leaves of the trees surrounding the school sway lazily in the noontime breeze. She was immensely thankful that Naoki was always patient and open with her, even when she tended to ramble on during their discussions sometimes and inadvertently deny Naoki the chance to get a word in. Though she expected Naoki to grow quiet from indignation during such times, he would only grin at her in that certain way which always sent her heart aflutter, assuring her that everything was fine. As she always did when tense, Yuri caressed her left forearm, with excitement coursing through her veins as she replayed over and over the times that Naoki had smiled at her during the past two weeks.

She had finished reading Laughing at the Shadows not long after the first day of school. As she had predicted, the ending was not as good as many would hope it to be, but it was also open-ended enough for Yuri to have a bit of closure with it. Tortured by both her dream-visions and the shadows, Natasha falls into a coma after attempting to commit suicide by overdosing on medicine. Immediately after this, no more death or tragedy took place ever again as the visions stopped along with Natasha's consciousness. The rest of the characters in the book begin coping in their own ways with Natasha's predicament and the relief they have finally experienced from the stoppage of Natasha's visions. The book ends abruptly with Natasha waking up from her coma a year later, leaving it entirely to the reader to decide what happened next, and whether or not the visions—and the shadows—returned with her.

Again, though the meaning of such an ending was debatable, Yuri preferred to think that Natasha had brought back the visions and shadows with her, a somber ending at best given the idea that such a power inside her seemed impossible to quell even with death. But she also liked to imagine that after Natasha's near-death experience, she had managed to reawaken as a person who had shed the flaws and limitations that had plagued her before, and was now in better control of her "powers" and her life. On the other hand, during one of their debates, Naoki stated that he believed that Natasha had managed to overcome everything, from the shadows to her "powers," and that it was the start of her road to recovery and a better life.

"But d-don't you think that such an ending is too g-good to be true?" Yuri had asked Naoki then.

"Well, maybe," Naoki had acquiesced with a smile. "But I also want to believe that an ending is still possible, you know? Not everything has to end on a terrible note; it only becomes bad if we make it out to be."

The last words of his statement still rang clear in Yuri's head. It only becomes bad if we make it out to be. She gripped her left forearm tightly, causing pain to shoot through her. Her past experiences—being disliked, being treated as a pariah, and being left to her own devices—had caused her to be surrounded in darkness, and to see things in a dismal manner all the time. She had wallowed in the dark for too long that any semblance of light that shone upon her almost burned and blinded her every single time it did. Light came in many forms for her: the happiness that people wanted to share with her, the relief that she desired and feared at the same time, and people like Naoki, if there was ever any other person that could fill in the figure he was in her life right now. She knew that ghosts never do well in the light, because they would become even more transparent than they already were, bordering on dissipating like morning mist evaporating in the sun. But why was it that, ever since she had met Naoki, she was drawn to the light, to him?

These conflicting thoughts would have overwhelmed her had Naoki not chosen to arrive at that exact moment.

"Hello, Yuri!" he called out. His voice was cordial, as it always was. Yuri looked up and saw that, thankfully, he was alone.

"Hello! Um, w-where's your b-best friend?" she asked him politely.

"Talking to, um . . . a friend," he replied with a knowing smirk as he sat down next to her. "Anyway, I really wanna share something with you right now. I went back to Dystopium last night, and I found a few other tidbits that might interest you!"

And so, most of the remaining minutes of their lunchbreak were spent on the two of them deliberating and analyzing Naoki's new findings about Dreams from Dystopium, which he had written down at the back of one of his notebooks, while Yuri would offer the insights she had as always. Naoki talked about emaciated zombie-like fiends and stated that for him, they symbolized the protagonist's deadened slivers of inspiration; descriptions of a horrid multi-tongued beast became an analysis of the many meaningless words and statements from others that had plagued the protagonist's fevered mind; hacking through an ever-growing jungle of razor-sharp thorns and vines while being ripped and torn to shreds signified the protagonist trying to fight his vices in vain.

Yuri had not read the book in particular, but even though she knew that she might be getting spoiled about a few parts should she ever choose to read it, she was definitely fine with all of it. In fact, Naoki's own enthusiasm about sharing his ideas and thoughts about the book served to pique her own interest in it, and she made a mental note to look for the book in the many bookstores she usually visited in the near future. In particular, the eldritch qualities of some of the horrors in the book fascinated her, as their depictions sent her imagination into overdrive—a quality that she frequently sought after in any and every book she read.

"The imagery of Curt Morgan's struggle with the vines and the thorns could also mean an underlying desire to escape from the horrors of his predicament. Because it appears that no matter how futile things are, he still tries to fight back and symbolically hack his way out of that proverbial jungle," Yuri offered. Her focus had returned, and like before, it had taken away her nerviness and stammering as she began to grow more comfortable with the discussion. "I also think that the beast with many tongues that you described, the one that Curt Morgan dislikes in particular, I think it can also signify the lies that he told others and himself to cope with his grief. From what you've said, with the level of hatred that he has for the creature, it can mean that he utterly loathes himself subconsciously for lying and saying all those things."

It took a few moments before Yuri realized that Naoki was not speaking anymore. Her confidence slipped a little as she looked at him, and she saw that there was only amazement on his face, similar to the one he had displayed when she spoke so confidently back at their first meeting. Heat suffused her face as she felt her cheeks turn pink.

"As always, you make really remarkable points, Yuri," said Naoki after a few moments of silence. "What you said holds just as much weight as what I've written here. Just another testament to the beauty of literature, hmm? Not to mention the . . . the unique way that you observe things."

Pink turned into red, and Yuri could again hear her heart beating feverishly against her chest, but she could not look away. She stammered, "I d-don't think I'm that unique, though. . ." she muttered shyly.

"No, trust me, you are!" Naoki closed his notebook and leaned forward a bit. Yuri drew back instinctively, but he did not seem to mind. "You're really smart and insightful, Yuri, and it's really different from the other types of smart that other people have."

"What do you m-mean?" Yuri asked quietly.

"I mean, people can be smart in a lot of things, sure, and it applies in both the academic and the professional sense, like with jobs and what not, but your type of smart. . . It leans towards the creative and observant side, and that's . . . Um . . . It is rather hard to describe it in words, but . . ."

Naoki paused for a moment. Yuri looked at him expectantly, and wonder mixed with her own shyness when she saw just how serious he looked when he was thinking deeply.

"Your insights are . . . fascinating," Naoki went on. "You always speak about them with clarity and confidence, and listening to you is always . . . it's always a captivating experience, because the fact that you put so much thought in what you're saying, and the way it rings in your words . . . it's not just about analyzing for the sake of evaluating. With you, I feel that it's analyzing while feeling . . . and it always gives me an idea of the way you think and see things."

He capped off his words with another one of his amiable, sincere smiles. Once more, Yuri felt the world fade away around her, as if she was engrossed in one of her favorite books. It felt like an entrancing spell was cast upon her, and again her ghostly being was seemingly suffused with the ability to become whole, tangible, solid. At the back of her head, however, the gloominess of her past and present still persisted, and it caused her to speak right now as if to break free of this spell of the light.

"B-But I'm afraid you're wrong, Naoki . . ." she said quietly.

". . . What?" Naoki looked confused for a moment.

Yuri looked at him imploringly. "I'm . . . I'm not s-smart! I'm not insightful, and I'm not even observant! I'm prone to s-spacing out whenever someone tries talking to me, and sometimes I don't even respond to what people s-say! I'm prone to letting my reading overwhelm my thoughts and emotions, and it doesn't always t-translate well when other people talk to m-me about them. It makes me stay quiet when I should b-be talking, and yet it also makes me ramble on and on once I actually do start talking that it becomes insufferable! So many of the people I've met think that I'm a know-it-all, b-but I don't feel that that's the case with me!

"I don't know a lot of things, so I can't understand w-why people would think that way about me. I don't know how to socialize and interact properly with people, I don't know h-how to make myself happy sometimes, and I don't know how . . . how to appear normal to other people. Does that s-sound like someone who knows a lot of things to you . . . ? I'm so deliberately conscious about how w-weird I am, and yet it's always difficult for me to do something about it. . . I read too deeply into things, but I can't stop d-doing just that, even when I'm not supposed to. . . I guess it's why I read books all the time, so that at least, my mannerisms, my thoughts, they'll have an outlet that I can direct them to."

Her voice wavered a little, and Yuri almost dug her fingernails painfully into the armrest of her chair as she realized that she had just done what she hated doing: rambling on. The thought of it, the effects of her words, and the sadness behind them slowly caused her to go back to being a ghost. She had done it; she had thrown off the spell that Naoki's words put on her, but the question that plagued Yuri now was . . . for what?

She snapped to, however, when she felt Naoki touch her shoulder gently. It was a fleeting gesture, meant to reassure more than anything else, and Naoki let go of her fairly quickly, as if he thought better than to hold her shoulder in such an intimate manner. Instead, he placed his hand atop her armrest. She stared at him, wondering for a few wild moments whether she would shy away from his hand or if she would sit still instead. Before she could do anything, Naoki spoke again; this time, his voice was hushed.

"I understand how you feel, Yuri. Trust me, I really do. If my words caused you to remember all those bad thoughts, I'm . . . I'm really sorry. But for me, I . . . I don't believe that you're that bad. I don't believe that you're weird or any different from the rest of us just because you tend to space out or overthink or speak your mind. That's just what it means to actually have emotions and thoughts, to sort them out and look at them in silence, and to have the drive to actually share them. That's why I totally appreciate it when you share them with me, because I know that you took the time and effort to straighten them out before sharing them, and that they're more than just your thoughts—they hold your feelings as well. You're not rambling on in my hearing, nor are you reading too much into things for me. It's actually frustrating when some people start labeling a girl like you as a know-it-all simply because you're smart and have a lot to say about certain things, because that waters down the sentiments and energy you put into your words, and that's not fair on your part."

The first end-of-lunchtime bell rang. Yuri bit her lip and caressed her left forearm. The emotions she felt just tugged at her heart and eyes, putting her at the risk of tearing up. Privately, she did not know whether the bell gave her respite or made her sad that their conversation had to end as it always did daily. The way Naoki spoke, and the kind of words that he used, it made her feel like she was listening to one of the many sympathetic characters she had connected with in her books, but this time in real life.

"Why are you s-saying these things . . . ?" she asked him quietly.

A small smile crossed Naoki's face. "You are a lot of things, Yuri, and being insufferable is never one of them. I just want you to know that when you talk to me, it's okay if you drone on, it's okay if you space out, and it's totally okay if you second-guess. I want you to feel the same level of comfort that I feel when I share my thoughts with you. I don't want you to feel left out or discouraged, because your thoughts always matter."

Silence fell. Somehow, Yuri could still not look away from him, and she began to feel a little lightheaded as Naoki looked at her as well for just a bit longer. The chatter and clangor of other students walking by and taking their seats rang around them, but Yuri couldn't hear anything except Naoki and the way her heart thumped against her chest.

"You know, with the discussions we're having, that gives me an idea. . ." Naoki went on.

"W-What idea?" asked Yuri nervously. She was grateful for his statement; it distracted her from melting there and then.

"What if . . . we went out and bought a book that we've never read before, we read a chapter or two every night, and then we discuss our own takes on what we've read so far here in school the following day? I mean, that's gonna be even more interesting because we both have no idea what the book is all about compared to one of us discussing a book that the other hasn't read yet, right?"

In the next few seconds that Yuri took in Naoki's words, she saw just how much of an exciting and promising suggestion that was. It was something she had never done before with anyone, let alone with someone like Naoki. Naturally, however, her shyness and antisocial tendencies began screaming against it, and a myriad of negative thoughts began plaguing her head almost all at once.

"I usually buy the books I read at Gallagher's," Naoki went on. "I suppose you're familiar with it? It's close to the mall downtown!"

"Y-Yes, I'm familiar with it."

"Have you ever gone there?"

"S-Several times, actually."

"Well, that's good! So, um . . . what do you say? Wanna go there after school and look for a good book with me?"

"Yes, of c-course!"

As the second and final lunchtime bell rang, Yuri wondered privately whether she had indeed thrown off the spell of the light that was enveloping her. When their professor entered the classroom, the two of them sat straighter in their seats, but Yuri's mind was not focused on their next class; instead, the thought of going to Gallagher's with Naoki dominated her mental and emotional faculties, and it gave her both hope and excitement.

Four o'clock couldn't arrive fast enough.

There were quite a few people at Gallagher's when the two of them arrived later that day. A few were buying art and school supplies, while some were browsing through the store's shelves laden with stacks of paperback and hardbound books, either new or used. As the sunset cast downtown in its orange glow, the store's fluorescent lights turned on in anticipation for the onset of the evening. Immediately, the sight of the bookstore's interior and the feeling that she was finally in a place where she belonged put Yuri into a more relaxed mood that counterbalanced the anxiety she was feeling.

Right after class, after his friends had left to go home, Naoki waited for her outside the school's entrance as she stowed away her excess school things at her locker. As she had done so, Yuri began to have second thoughts about going to Gallagher's with him, and she began to wonder whether or not she was already content with their current format of sharing what they've read to one another. She knew that it would be rude to turn down Naoki's suggestion after she had agreed to it just as lunchtime had ended, so she didn't know what else to do but to go with him. It wasn't that she did not like Naoki's company—that would be a blatant lie on her part—but rather it was because she had never gone out to buy books with anyone else keeping her company in her whole life.

Quietly, Yuri followed Naoki to where the books were, and she saw that Naoki was going towards the section marked "HORROR/THRILLER." As they passed by the shelves, the various colors and titles of the many books on them put Yuri's heart at ease. To others, they may simply be books, both indie works and timeless classics, both Western and Japanese, but for Yuri, they were also portals to different beautiful universes, waiting to be ventured into and lived in as soon as their first pages are turned. The task of choosing an optimal book to read was always an arduous task, and she would take up to an hour at times going back and forth in reading and perusing which book to choose—usually, this ended with her buying multiple books instead, as she felt that she could not leave even one of them behind.

This time, however, she stayed silent as Naoki looked at the books, his eyes moving slowly as they swept through one section at a time. The look of thoughtful observation on his face, with the way it put a slight crinkle on his eyebrows, served to make him look even more intellectual and solemn. Yuri marveled inwardly at the focus on his being, which was almost palpable from where she was standing.

She coughed a little in her nervousness, prompting Naoki to snap out of his brooding stance. "Oh, s-sorry about that!" he told her with an apologetic smile. "I think I got carried away reading the titles. . ."

"I-It's okay!" said Yuri. "I hope I didn't d-disturb you. . ."

"No, it's alright, you didn't," said Naoki reassuringly. "Anyway, um, if you spot any books that you'll find interesting, just let me know, hmm?"

"Oh, y-yes, of course!" With that, Yuri averted her gaze from Naoki and turned towards the shelves instead, thankful that her flushed face was no longer in his perspective. Taking a few deep breaths to calm her nerves, she began reading book titles alongside him in silence, her eyes moving from one book spine or cover to another. It did not take long before she was actually taking down books from the shelves to get a look at their covers and to read the synopses on their backs in detail. Though there were a lot of them that she already had at home—parts of the Hallowed series, Intrepid Vagabonds, Blinded by Faith and Laughing at the Shadows, she always liked seeing them again in bookstores across downtown. Some of them had no plastic covers wrapped around them, so Yuri took some time to open them and let the fresh, clean smell of a new book's pages entice her olfactory senses and mind blissfully. To her, such a smell could always count as a form of stress relief, just as the feel of a hardbound book against her hands and the sounds of pages being turned helped her achieve a peace of mind while reading. It reminded her as well of her reading sessions at home, where she would often have a small cup of oolong tea by her side to help her read comfortably.

After some time, she soon saw that there were only three other books that she had not read thus far among the horror and thriller rosters of Gallagher's: Orphan of Elysium, Blackdawn, and a curious new book that caught Yuri's eye—The Portrait of Markov. Admittedly, as always, Yuri knew she could buy all three of them and start reading away, but she decided to wait a little for Naoki to finish choosing before saying anything. To help them decide, Naoki took all the books that sparked their interest and placed them side by side onto the shelf with the covers facing them.

"Hmm . . . I think the most interesting one thus far for me is The Portrait of Markov," said Naoki. "I mean, I haven't read a few of these, like Blinded by Faith and the fourth Hallowed book, but you've read those both already, right?"

"Y-Yes," replied Yuri.

"Have you ever read The Portrait of Markov?" asked Naoki.

"Um, n-not yet," said Yuri. "It looks like a new arrival. . ."

"Do you want to go with that?" he said.

"W-Whatever you want is fine w-with me!"

"Ah, but I wanna hear what you want as well, of course."

Yuri blushed again and twisted her long hair against her fingers. Though she was indeed fine with any choice Naoki made, she knew that they might be unable to come to a compromise if she did not give an actual answer. Plus, The Portrait of Markov seemed really engaging from the synopsis she had read at the back of the book. "Honestly, The Portrait of Markov is also what I w-want to try out as well."

Naoki grinned. "The Portrait of Markov, it is."

With that, he made to grab the copy of The Portrait of Markov from the other books. Obliviously, Yuri reached out to do the same, relieved that their trip here went better than she had expected. Because the two of them reached their hands out simultaneously, however, her hand brushed gently against Naoki's.

The feel of his warm skin making contact with her fingertips surprised her greatly. She pulled her hand back in a flash and accidentally caused a number of other books to fall from the shelf as she knocked them over, the sounds of them echoing loudly in her ears. A few heads in the bookstore turned to look at the noise, and Yuri felt the anxiety in her magnify within seconds. Panicking, she quickly ducked down to begin picking up the books, her breath picking up its pace. Diligently, Naoki knelt down next to her and helped her gather them up.

"I'm really sorry!" Yuri cried out. "I wasn't thinking, I just . . . j-just . . . Oh, I'm really, really s-sorry!"

"No, it's totally fine!" said Naoki. "It's my fault as well, I didn't notice—I mean, I didn't see your hand right away. I'm sorry!"

Though the embarrassment was still there, Yuri was immensely grateful for Naoki's reassurance and help. Soon, there were no more people glancing at them curiously for knocking the books over, and Yuri felt her breathing ease back to normal. To further diffuse the situation, Yuri quickly reached back towards the shelf and took two copies of The Portrait of Markov. She held out one towards Naoki, careful not to show how much her hands were shaking.

"Thank you," Naoki mumbled with a nervous grin as he took the book from her.

"Thank you as w-well," Yuri told him. She hugged her copy tightly against her chest, as if trying to stop her heart from bursting free.

Five minutes later, the two of them stepped out into downtown with their respective copies of The Portrait of Markov tucked away safely inside their school bags. Evening had set in, and downtown had come to life. The volume of people on the streets and outside buildings had increased slightly, and more cars and other public vehicles drove past.

Naoki turned to face her as they stood on the sidewalk. "Well, looks like we're gonna be kept busy reading tonight!" he said cheerfully. "Makes me wonder what our discussion's gonna be for tomorrow."

Yuri smiled shyly. "I can't wait, actually. . ."

"Me too." Naoki smiled. "Anyway, how are you gonna be going home? I mean, do you take public transportation, or do you, um, usually walk home?"

"I can walk f-from here," replied Yuri. Her house was indeed only around a five-minute walk away from where Gallagher's was. "How about y-you?"

"It's a longer walk from here, but I'll manage," he told her. "Thanks, Yuri."

"F-For what?" asked Yuri nervously.

"For coming with me here today," replied Naoki. "Take care, okay?"

"You, t-too," she told him timidly.

As Naoki turned and walked away from her, Yuri wanted nothing more than to follow him home and keep talking to him. For now, however, she could only smile to herself as he rounded a corner and was gone from her sight. In spite of everything that had happened at Gallagher's, she felt content and excited. Holding on to her school bag tightly, she quickly went in the opposite direction and began walking home.

She knew that she'll be diving into another universe tonight with The Portrait of Markov. What made her even happier was the thought that, even as they separated right now, she was heading the same way that Naoki was.