A/N: From this point onward, depression, self-harm and other sensitive issues might be shown, portrayed or discussed in this chapter and others to come. Reader discretion is advised for those who are sensitive to such matters.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE – LINES (YuKi)
As autumn progressed, so did the schoolwork begin piling up for Naoki and the rest of the student body. Their first major exams were coming, and everyone was feeling the strain progressively as the days passed. Soon, instead of hanging out at various spots to talk and eat during lunchtime, students began bringing their books and homework with them, using what time they could spare to catch up on quizzes and recitations, or to ease the load a little for the next day. The library soon became a favorite haunt for a lot of students who wanted some more peace and quiet while studying, forcing some to stay in their classrooms instead. Of course, this reduction in the noise and general joy in the atmosphere was building up to a sweet release of excitement and elation once the exams were finished, but until then, there was nothing to do but bunker down and cram, cram, cram.
Given that he usually spent the remainder of his time at the classroom with Yuri, Naoki found little trouble studying with her there instead of going to the library. His fellows in their quadrumvirate—now called so after Akihiro Hasegawa from 3-B had joined their group—often finished their lunch early to catch up with their books and notes. Though he valued his time alone and how relaxing it could be, there were times when the stress made him miss his friends' company. Obviously, he had Yuri and Kenta with him in class, but instances like these meant that they were busy in their own ways as well.
For History class today, their professor had been lenient enough to give them the entire period to study and polish their notes in preparation for a long test tomorrow. There was still idle chatter in the classroom, but most of the students in 3-C were busy rifling through their notes and compiling reviewers in feverish silence, with Naoki being one of them. As he finished polishing up his notes, he closed his notebook and glanced over at Yuri.
Her head was bowed slightly as her magnificent eyes were focused on her own notes. Naoki shifted his glance over at Kenta to his right and saw that his fiery-headed friend was staring daggers at his notes like they had done him a personal wrong, grumbling inaudibly under his breath as he did.
Naoki leaned down his chair's left side and towards his bag to stow away his notebook and take out another one when a pen fell next to him, landing on the floor with a quiet tap. He glanced over to it and recognized it as Yuri's pen. He picked it up and placed it back on Yuri's armrest.
"You dropped this," he said as he did so.
Instead of replying or even looking up to acknowledge him, Yuri kept staring at her notes. Naoki sensed that she was either so engrossed in reviewing or spacing out.
"Yuri?" he asked, tapping her arm lightly.
Yuri twitched in her seat as if she had just received a sudden electric shock. Her reaction startled Naoki a little as well. She looked at him nervously. "Y-Yes?"
"Are you okay?" he inquired.
"Um, yes," replied Yuri, wringing her hands together. "D-Did you need something?"
"Not really," said Naoki. "You dropped your pen. I just put it back on your armrest, that's all."
Yuri looked blankly at her pen. After a few seconds, she snapped to attention once again. "Oh! I didn't even notice that I dropped it. I was a little too busy w-with my notes and all. T-Thank you."
Naoki watched as she straightened herself, arranging her notes with hands that shook slightly. Other papers were strewn across her armrest, as if she had been trying to fit her other notes as best as she could on the small space her chair offered. More minutes passed by as the two of them continued studying. When it felt that it had been quiet for too long, Naoki punctuated the silence once more.
"Rough week for all of us, hmm?" he remarked.
This time, Yuri didn't flinch in surprise at him. "Yes, I agree," she said quietly, "and it's bound to become even more taxing as the days pass us by."
"Yeah, it won't take long before I start cramming again," said Naoki.
Yuri paused for a moment. "It wouldn't hurt to have someone to study with, right? It would make the cramming a little less tedious."
"Well, sure. People often do group study sessions at each other's houses after school for times like these, but somehow, I still prefer studying alone."
For some reason, after Naoki stated his reply, Yuri looked a little put out. "I see. W-Well, I suppose you're right. . ."
Naoki glanced at her. "What is it?"
Yuri smiled nervously. "No, it's n-nothing. . ."
"No, really, what is it?"
Yuri wrung her hands together. "W-Well, the thing is . . . if you want, we could study together after school one of these days," she replied shyly. "But you s-said that you preferred to study alone, so I understand. . ."
"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't think that you w-wanted to ask me like that," said Naoki, feeling slightly embarrassed that he had just unmindfully shut down Yuri's invitation before she even asked him. "It's okay with me!"
"Are you s-sure?" asked Yuri.
"Of course!" said Naoki. And then, to make up for what he had said earlier, he added, "I tell you what—we can go later after school if you want, to study for the test tomorrow and whatnot."
If Yuri was any bit startled by the sudden nature of his offer, it was blotted out by the excited gleam in her beautiful amethyst eyes. "Okay, if you say s-so," she said. "I do hope I didn't f-force you or anything."
"No, that's alright," said Naoki apologetically. "I shouldn't have spoken out of turn without waiting for what you had to say."
"Don't worry, y-you didn't," Yuri assured him. "I'm just glad that you're okay w-with it."
The day ended without any announcements for more quizzes or homework, but the tension still hung in the air as students anticipated the days to come. Some got ready for the group study sessions that they would be partaking in, whether at downtown or at a classmate's house, and a few milked the last minutes that the library had to borrow the books they needed for their projects or assignments.
As he and Yuri deposited their things at their lockers, Naoki couldn't help but notice how tense she seemed to be; she fumbled for a while with her lock's combination and dropped some of her things as she stowed them away in her locker. When she turned to face him afterwards, he saw that her cheeks were flushed.
"Yuri, are you feeling alright?" he asked her.
"Y-Yes!" replied Yuri breathlessly. "I'm just a little e-excited, that's all."
"I see," said Naoki. Admittedly, he also felt rather giddy now that he stopped to think about it. "So, where do you wanna go for our study session? A book café? A diner somewhere?"
The blush on Yuri's face deepened. "Actually, I w-was thinking that—um, if you want, t-that is—we can, um . . . g-go to, er . . ."
She embraced her bag tight against her chest. "We can go t-to my house," she finished.
Naoki stared at her, unsure of whether he had heard her correctly or not. "Your . . . Y-Your house?" he asked, flabbergasted.
Yuri looked worriedly at him. "I'm sorry," she said. "It m-might be too forward of me to ask you to go there!"
"No, don't worry, I understand," said Naoki with a nervous laugh. "I was just surprised, t-that's all."
"If y-you don't want to go there, it's okay," Yuri went on.
"No, I didn't mean it like that!" said Naoki hastily. "Um, how should I say this . . . Is it okay if we go there? I mean, would your parents mind?"
It was a question that made Naoki realize that apart from their passion in literature, there was little else that he and Yuri discussed about each other—their family life, for instance. Of course, that was hardly their fault, since it was always so worthwhile to discuss anything and everything about what the two of them read.
"Ah, well, I only live with my grandmother," said Yuri timidly. "My parents live in Hiroshima. They moved there for their work."
"Oh, that's pretty far," Naoki remarked. "Um, so . . . would your grandmother mind if I came over?"
"No, she's fine with it," said Yuri. "In fact, she often tells me that I should b-bring more friends often, but, well . . ."
Naoki understood what she left unsaid. He smiled. "Well, if it's no trouble, then I suppose we can go."
The smile that Yuri flashed him in return made her look like an excited child who had just been told a big surprise. It made him feel fluttery for some reason. "That's g-good to hear," she told him.
Yuri's house was quaint and modest, hearkening back to the Japanese houses of old. The architecture was simpler than most of the contemporary designs that other urbane dwellings in the city had, with more wood instead of concrete. Brown, grey and green gave the house an earthen appearance that was pleasing to the eyes, a fresh change from its modern neighbors. As Yuri opened the small front gate and led him through the front garden, Naoki saw flowers, shrubs and potted plants that have been taken care of meticulously, judging from the lack of weeds, wayward branches and fallen leaves anywhere. A wind chime swung lazily next to the front door, tinkling and ringing quietly as it was stirred by a small afternoon breeze.
The inside of the house was as rustic as its exterior implied. The first area to greet the two of them was a narrow hallway; sliding doors akin to traditional Japanese fusumas and thin wooden walls divided one room from another, and the floor was made out of smooth, polished pine. Simple pastel paintings provided decoration alongside ordinary wall lights, with an occasional potted plant here and there. Yuri guided him as they walked through the hallway, their feet making quiet tapping noises against the floor. A relaxing herbal smell prevailed throughout much of the house, as if nature itself was lending a hand in maintaining the rural atmosphere within. From what Naoki could deduce, the place was most definitely an abode that would fit the calm, serene lifestyle of an old lady, or at the very least someone like Yuri.
As they reached the end of the hallway, Yuri opened a sliding door and peeked inside. "Hello, Grandmother," she said in greeting.
Naoki watched as she opened the door in full to reveal the house's kitchen, which seemed cramped from the way everything was compressed together, leaving little room for three people to maneuver in. There was a small dining table with four mismatched chairs, and shelves lined with various ingredients on the walls. A nearby windowsill had homegrown herbs lining it, positioned just right to be bathed in the sunlight. Wooden countertops, a small kitchen sink, a gas stove and an old refrigerator model provided the finishing touches.
An old lady was busy tending to a kettle and a pot on top of the gas stove. From the lines that prevailed over her ancient face and the wisps of silvery white hair that were escaping from the crown of her head, Naoki surmised that she was around seventy to eighty. Still, she moved with a pace that didn't seem to match her age, as she seemed to be cooking and getting what she needed from the nearby shelves just fine on her own. Judging from the way the kettle and pot boiled and hissed, Naoki guessed that they were the source of the house's herbal aroma.
Yuri's grandmother turned towards them. No matter how lined her face was, her eyes looked alert; Naoki noticed that she had the same color as Yuri's eyes, only a bit paler. "Ah, Granddaughter, you're home early today." When she took notice of Naoki, she leaned forward. "And who is this dashing young lad? Is he a classmate of yours?"
"Y-Yes, Grandmother," replied Yuri. "His name is Naoki. Naoki Nakajima."
Naoki smiled politely. "Good evening, ma'am."
The old woman looked closely at him, interest dawning on her face. "Nakajima? Is your grandmother's name Ami Nakajima, by chance? She's a good friend of mine. Lives just down the road from here."
"Ah, not really, ma'am," said Naoki. "I live closer to the creek, on Block 16."
"Oh, I thought you were her grandson or something," said the old woman. "Anyway, it's a pleasant surprise that you're here. I can't remember the last time my granddaughter brought visitors over."
"We'll only be s-studying together for a long quiz tomorrow, Grandmother," said Yuri nervously. "I hope that's okay with you."
"Of course, of course," said her grandmother in an airy tone. "If you two need anything, don't hesitate to ask!"
After a few more pleasantries being exchanged, Yuri led Naoki out of the kitchen and up the stairs opposite it. They entered another short hallway and passed by two more sliding doors until Yuri stopped at a third one, which stood next to an ordinary wooden flush door.
"H-Here's my room," she said shyly.
"Um, would your grandmother be fine with us studying in there?" asked Naoki.
As he observed Yuri some more, he could tell how much she wanted him around, but how she also felt conscious about her actions and words now that he was in their household. He was also self-conscious as well, particularly with the idea of being in a room alone with her. Obviously, he was sure that nothing unexpected would happen, but still. . .
"Well, I don't think she would mind that much, t-to be honest," said Yuri. "But is it okay if you stay out here for a short while? I'll just change into something more c-comfortable."
"Oh, yes, of course," said Naoki. "Take your time!"
With that, he stood and waited as Yuri went inside her room and closed the door behind her. While waiting, he looked around at the sights in the hallway, where a few more pastel paintings and decorative plants accentuated the rustic atmosphere. Based on how small and quaint the house seemed, Naoki guessed that Yuri's grandmother must have lived here alone for quite some time before Yuri moved in with her.
Yuri returned five minutes later. She was still wearing her school skirt, but she had swapped her top for a comfortable wool sweater. Given how cold the evening air was during autumn, Naoki couldn't blame her.
"I hope I didn't take too long," she said timidly. "C-Come in."
Like the kitchen, Yuri's room was small but cozy. Her bed sat in one corner, with white pillows and a matching bedsheet. A small desk sat in the opposite corner, laden with objects that piqued Naoki's interest; there were small, colorful candles and what looked to be a wooden cylinder of some sort, along with some small bottles filled with clear liquids of varying colors. A small dresser and a bookshelf containing a wide range of novels sat next to the door itself; Naoki knew that these were Yuri's prized reading materials.
"If you want, you can s-stay on my bed," said Yuri as she closed the door. "I'll be sitting at the desk."
"If you say so," said Naoki, still looking around her room. He pointed towards the things on her desk and asked, "Are those the scented candles you told me about last time? The ones you use while reading?"
"Oh, yes! Y-You've noticed them, I see," said Yuri, walking over to her desk. "Yes, these candles have varying aromas that help me focus whenever I get into some heavy reading. The thing is that each candle's scent has a certain effect on a person. This one, for instance," she said, picking up a pale purple candle, "is lavender-scented. It helps ease anxiety and calms the mind so that a person can relax. It's one of my favorite scents to use whenever I read, but there are also others that I like to use in various situations. For example, citrus can help lighten one's mood and give an energy boost of sorts, while cinnamon can act as a mental stimulant that can substitute for lavender."
Naoki smiled at the way Yuri spoke, as if she was introducing him to a new literary genre. "That's interesting," he said. "I never realized how much you knew about these kinds of things, Yuri."
Yuri blushed. "My grandmother is the one who got me into aromatherapy. She uses it to ease her mind and the joint pains she experiences at her age. Ever since she introduced me to it, I've read what I could about the benefits of aromatherapy, and it just became one of my secondary interests, next to r-reading. It almost feels like magic whenever the mood in the air changes because of the vapors from a scented candle."
"I might just have to try it out now that I've learned a bit about it from you," said Naoki, envisioning what kind of reading experience it would be to have a scented candle by his side at home. "What about that thing?" he added, pointing at the cylindrical vessel next to the candles.
"Oh, this is an aroma diffuser," replied Yuri, picking up the object in question. "It's a device that can emit aromatic vapors into the atmosphere by diffusing essential oils. It works like a scented candle in that regard, but the aroma it creates can prevail for a longer period of time, and to a starker degree. If you want, we can use the diffuser instead of a scented candle, so that I can show you how it works. W-Would that be okay with you?"
Naoki smiled. "You know this all better than I do, so lead the way. We can start studying when you're ready."
As he sat down on Yuri's bed as she had instructed, Yuri worked on the aroma diffuser, putting in a few drops of what looked like pale golden oil inside. She turned it on afterwards by pressing a small button on its side. Once she did so, Naoki saw a thin wisp of vapor rise steadily from a small hole at its top. Yuri explained that the oil she had put in was that of jasmine, which worked like lavender in the sense that it also soothed one's mind and mood. With how jittery and anxious she was earlier, Naoki knew that she needed such an effect to help calm her nerves, and it would also help him focus on his notes and reviewer.
With that, their study session began. Most of it went quietly as the two of them read notes and leafed through pages of their History book. Occasionally, they would puncture the silence by asking questions and comparing notes, and they would test each other by asking questions that might appear in their quiz. In Naoki's eyes, Yuri seemed to be doing her best to be a good host to a visitor like him while maintaining a quiet atmosphere to avoid disturbing the flow of their reviewing. He also sensed that she was still struggling a bit with the anxiety she was feeling and showing at school earlier, especially now that the two of them were alone in her own room. He still felt nervous as well, though he did his best not to show it so as not to make Yuri feel uncomfortable.
The diffuser did its work as well. Continuously, it puffed out its vapors until the room was steeped in an unseen haze of jasmine. Naoki found the smell rather refreshing when it reached his nostrils, and immediately he began to see what Yuri meant about aromatherapy. The longer he breathed in the sweet, fragrant smell of jasmine, the more his mind seemed to be refreshed and reinvigorated. He felt calm, as if the worries of tomorrow's History quiz and any other academic dilemmas that might come were gradually dissipating in the same way as the jasmine oil evaporated into the atmosphere.
When around half an hour had passed, during which everything had fallen quiet, Yuri began to move a bit more clumsily. Out of the corner of his eye, Naoki could see how she would scribble notes on her reviewer only to scratch them out and rewrite them. Twice, she fumbled with the papers on her desk, and she even dropped her book by accident as she did so.
Naoki frowned thoughtfully at this. "Yuri? Are you okay?" he asked.
Just like before at school, Yuri didn't immediately reply. Instead, she kept rummaging through her things as if she was looking for something. Closing his notebook, Naoki stood up and went next to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Yuri?" he repeated.
Yuri jumped in her seat, staring wildly around at him. "Y-Yes?" she asked breathlessly.
"Are you okay? It looks like you're having problems with something."
Yuri brushed a lock of hair away from her face distractedly. "Yes, I'm alright. I w-was just trying to p-perfect a few of my notes. I couldn't quite write down things t-the way I want them to."
Naoki looked at the scratched-out notes and erasures she had made in her notebook. "I think it's time we took a short break, don't you think?" he asked earnestly.
Yuri sighed. "Ah, w-well, I was thinking of carrying on so that we'll be done sooner rather than later, but if you s-say so, it's alright. I'm sorry if I seem to be too flustered or something when I should be calming down."
"No, it's fine," said Naoki. "Just take a break, and we'll continue when you're doing better."
"Yes, I s-suppose so," said Yuri, standing up. "Um, if you'll excuse me, I'll just get some oolong tea downstairs. Perhaps that will help soothe my nerves. . ."
Without waiting for a reply, she left her room hastily. Naoki wondered why she had to ask for permission to do such a thing in her own home, but he guessed that she was merely being a polite host. He decided to wait for her by sitting at the foot of her bed, reopening his notebook to check what else he should write in it.
When Yuri returned, Naoki saw that she was carrying two small cups with her, holding them by their brims. "I g-got some tea for you as well," she said as she entered the room. "Be careful, it's quite hot," she added as she handed over one to him.
"Thank you," said Naoki with a cordial smile, taking the cup carefully from her. The familiar smell of oolong tea wafted towards him, mixing with the jasmine oil vapors that he had been breathing in for the past thirty minutes or so.
Yuri sat on the floor next to him, carrying her notes and her cup of tea. "Is it alright if I join you down here?" she asked.
"Yuri, this is your house and your room," said Naoki with an amused tone. "Feel free to do whatever you want. Don't mind me."
"Ah, I suppose you're r-right," said Yuri, giggling as her cheeks turned red. "I'm sorry."
For the next ten minutes, the two of them continued their review session on the floor, only standing up to get what things they needed from their bags. On Yuri's desk, jasmine oil kept being diffused into the air, though Naoki had already grown used to the sweet herbal smell it had to the point where he couldn't even notice it anymore. To his pleasant surprise, the oolong tea that Yuri had prepared tasted quite good, giving him a refreshed vibe. In stark contrast, however, Yuri didn't drink her own oolong tea, even if she had voiced her thoughts about making some to calm her nerves. Instead, her cup sat on the floor in front of her, next to her notes and Naoki's. Her flustered demeanor didn't seem to improve much, but Naoki decided to leave her be for now.
"Did you w-write down some of the parts that Professor Tanaka told us about?" asked Yuri worriedly after a while. "The one about the Muromachi period?"
"Oh, yes, I wrote down a few notes for that," replied Naoki. "Why?"
"I think I didn't write it down," said Yuri. "C-Can I copy your notes?"
"Of course!" said Naoki. "Here, it's . . . this page right here."
"Thank y-you. Hold on, I'll just—"
As Yuri made to grab her pen to copy his notes, however, her hand accidentally knocked over her cup. Oolong tea spilled onto the floor and—to Naoki's shock—some of his notes.
"Oh, no!" Yuri screamed, hastily grabbing the cup before it spilled any more tea. Meanwhile, Naoki quickly grabbed what dry papers and notes he could and set them aside. Once he had done so, he carefully picked up the papers that had been doused with tea, trying to salvage them.
"I'm s-sorry! I'm really sorry!" Yuri cried out.
"No, it's okay," said Naoki, though he still felt rattled at the idea that a good part of his reviewer might now be ruined. "Um, is t-there anything we can wipe all this with . . . ?"
"Ah, yes, h-hold on!" said Yuri hurriedly.
As she dashed out of her room, Naoki took the time to check out the damage that had been done to his papers, spreading them out on another side carefully so as not to rip any of them. The shock of what just happened made him feel a bit lightheaded, especially as he imagined that he might be cramming late into the night to rewrite these ruined notes. A bit of exasperation welled up in him, but it abated once he realized that everything was just an accident. Breathing deeply in the fumes of jasmine oil, he focused upon the task at hand instead.
Yuri returned with a clean cloth. She scrambled to the floor and started wiping up the spilled tea as quickly as she could. As she worked, Naoki tried to decipher the blotted out words on the sodden pieces of paper before him. He soon saw, to his immense relief, that the soaked notes were the ones he had written for previous lectures that were mixed in with his History reviewer, and that only two pages of his reviewer were ruined.
"Thank goodness," he exhaled. He looked over at Yuri to tell her the good news, but stopped when he saw her face.
Yuri had turned so red that she looked feverish. Her hands were trembling as she mopped up the last of the tea with the cloth in her hands, and her breathing was becoming more ragged. She kept her gaze down, as if she couldn't bear to look at him at the moment.
"Yuri?"
Yuri didn't move. Instead, she shrank backwards, as if she was expecting him to lash out.
"Y-Yuri, it's okay," he said quietly, scooting closer to her. "You didn't ruin anything important. I just checked everything, and—"
All of a sudden, Yuri stood up and went over to her desk. She opened the bottommost drawer there, took out something, slammed the drawer shut and ran from the room. Within moments, he heard a door slam, and Naoki guessed that she went in the door next to her room, as it was the only door in the hallway that wasn't a sliding one. Because her back was turned to him the whole time, and because she moved surprisingly fast, Naoki didn't catch a glimpse of what she took from her drawer, nor did he even manage to say something to stop her. Once again, shock coursed through him, and the lightheaded feeling he had seemed to intensify. Knowing that he should at least assure Yuri that she did nothing horrible, he stood up and went after her. As he left the room, the smell of jasmine seemed to cling to him, and his lightheadedness seemed to turn into a gradual dizziness the more he moved.
Upon approaching the door where Yuri had gone into, he heard the sound of running water; Naoki surmised that this was the house's bathroom. Gingerly, he knocked two times on it.
"Yuri?"
Only the sound of running water answered. For another minute, Naoki knocked and called out to her, occasionally glancing at the end of the hallway in case her grandmother went up the stairs to check on them.
"Yuri, please come out," he called out. "Everything's fine. You did nothing wrong."
At last, the door opened an inch. Yuri peeked out from behind it. Her face was still starkly red, and she was panting and trembling as she looked at Naoki fearfully.
"I'm s-sorry. . ." she whispered. "I'm really, r-really sorry. . ."
"No, Yuri. It's fine," he repeated. "What you did was an accident. Besides, not all of my notes were ruined. The ones that got spilled on weren't that important anyway."
Yuri looked down, apparently unconvinced. "I shouldn't have invited y-you here. . . I only ended up r-ruining your day. . . I asked for t-too much. . ."
"Don't say that, Yuri," said Naoki comfortingly. "Just . . . be more careful next time, okay? No harm done, so let's just carry on."
When she still didn't move, Naoki stepped closer to the door. "Please?" he asked imploringly.
Slowly, with a resigned sigh, Yuri stepped out into the hallway to join him, closing the door of the bathroom quickly behind her. Without a word, she went back to her room, prompting Naoki to follow her inside. The diffuser had finally stopped puffing out jasmine oil vapors into the air, though the sweet, herbal smell still lingered in the atmosphere.
Sitting down at the foot of her bed, Yuri began speaking somberly. "I'm sorry. . . I think my . . . m-my anxiety got the better of me. . . I c-can't help it. Whenever I try to make things w-work, or when I try to keep everything in check, s-sometimes I end up doing the opposite. . . P-People say I'm smart, that I seem to have things under control, but I really don't. As you've undoubtedly j-just seen, I'm clumsy and distracted, especially during times like these. . ."
Naoki walked over and sat down next to her. "Stress tends to do that to everyone, even me," he said. "To be honest, I was worried that you might be under more pressure than I am. You don't have to worry, Yuri. I understand where you're coming from."
"Y-You do?" asked Yuri. Again, her face turned red, and she caressed her forearm gently.
Instead of replying, Naoki reached out and placed his hand atop hers. Yuri looked at him, startled, and her breathing began to grow shorter. Such a reaction was warranted—after all, he had never done something so straightforward before, and he knew that Yuri had yet to experience such a thing as well. Soon, even he felt like he was running out of breath, and his heart seemed to beat faster in his chest. Yuri's hand felt so warm against his as it trembled beneath his touch.
In mere moments, as he glanced at her, he was surprised to see that Yuri suddenly seemed so . . . close to him, as if she was inching forward towards his face. In his lightheadedness, Naoki noticed only vaguely that he was staring so deeply at her, like he had never seen her before in such a light. Yuri's mouth was parted slightly, and her gaze was dreamy, as if she was losing herself in his eyes.
Naoki coughed nervously, breaking the gaze as he looked away for a moment. The gesture seemed to wake up Yuri as well, as she suddenly drew back and bowed her head shyly. Like a spell, the aroma of jasmine continued to surround both of them like a mystical aura.
"Well, um . . . let's j-just forget about what happened, okay?" he said, looking at her once again. "Really, there was no harm done. I'm just glad that I managed to s-spend some more time with you today."
"M-Me too," said Yuri, giving him a small but sincere smile. "Thank you."
Naoki felt relieved as he saw the expression. For him, such a smile from her worked better to ease his worries and stress than any kind of aromatherapy can.
As soon as she knew that Naoki was back at his own home, only then did Yuri feel completely relieved from the embarrassing accident she had caused earlier. The two of them studied for around half an hour more before they called it a day. All throughout, Yuri tried her best to carry on, keep her anxiety in check, and make sure that she wouldn't ruin anything else. She also volunteered to rewrite the notes she had ruined in an effort to make up for her accident, but Naoki insisted that he would handle it on his own.
What followed her relief, however, is an overwhelming feeling of dread. She had done it again. After going for so long without an incident, she had done what she promised never to do again. Whenever the stress of school life got to her, she always did her best to keep it all under control, no matter how quickly her heart began to beat, no matter how much she struggled to maintain her composure in front of people. For a long time, she resisted, and though there were moments when she would be reduced to a nervous wreck once she was in the privacy of her room, she was never pushed too far.
Until today.
Earlier, Yuri had made sure that Naoki didn't see the knife she took out from her drawer—the leaf-shaped one with the dark green handle, as it was the first thing that her hand touched when she made a running grab for it. She had hugged it tightly across her chest, away from Naoki's line of sight, and made a mad dash for the bathroom. Once inside, it was only a matter of rolling back her sleeve and . . .
Looking back at it, Yuri vehemently and desperately looked for reasons to justify what she had done earlier. Was it the way her heart felt like it would burst free from her chest? Was it the eyes that stared at her from the darkness, or the voices within that laughed and jeered, judging her for her clumsiness? She sensed that the agitated mood that overwhelmed her was due to the extra jasmine essential oil she put in the aroma diffuser—too much of a good thing, she knew—but was it solely just that? Perhaps she had just succumbed to the temptation of once again finding comfort and relief by subjugating her body through corporeal pain, like she was drowning in the ocean and the sole lifesaver within her reach was at the end of a knife's blade.
She rolled up her sleeve and looked at her handiwork. In her eyes, the seven fresh scars there looked like lashes from a whip, her body the slave, her mind the overseer. So long without new ones. . . So long. . . It felt surreal to even look at them, as if she was staring at someone else's arm, someone else's scars, someone else's vulnerabilities.
The relief she felt earlier from them had been ethereal, like she was spirited away to another world where she was safe, where everything was fine. The first cut had been a shock, but it was a familiar sensation, as if she was a swimmer who had taken the plunge after steering clear of the ocean for so long. Just like that, the second cut wasn't that bad anymore. By her fourth cut, there was no stopping the knife or her hand. It was as if she opened a valve to release the dangerous pressure that had been building up in her system, pressure that had been kept under check until earlier. It made her feel like she was finally in control, that she was establishing dominance over the stress she was feeling instead of her being the one dominated by it. Her breathing had quickened then, but more out of exhilaration rather than anxiety, a whole new high from her perspective. She remembered the scrape on her knee when she stumbled during their P.E. activity weeks ago, and how the pain she felt from touching the wound had distracted her from the overwhelming embarrassment she had felt. Was it wrong to seek such a form of respite again when the stress became too much for her to bear? Was she justified?
Yuri cringed, her train of thought stopping as she remembered just how close Naoki was to her during that vulnerable, grim moment. It was almost as heart-stopping as the last time that Libitina and The Portrait of Markov came up in their discussions, wherein the girl was close to discovering her true parentage and what connected her to the fanatic cult that was so intent on tracking her down. It seemed curious that Naoki compared her to Markov's heroine in terms of positives when he didn't know that, like Libitina, she had something sinister and dark hidden within her.
He cannot know. He can never know.
Yuri unrolled her sleeve and covered her arm once again. She had already disinfected the scars earlier in the bathroom, but she hadn't taken the initiative of bandaging them up just yet. Since Naoki had left, Yuri knew there was nothing else to do but to continue studying for now. Tomorrow would be merely another chapter, no matter how dark or foreboding it can be.
As she straightened her sleeve, she gripped her forearm. Pain shot through her. Raw, shocking, cathartic. Yuri let it run its course through her being. She thought that the scars she had back then would be her last, but of course, such a thought seemed futile now, and she would have to live with these new ones she had made.
She sighed. When one falls back to square one, how long will it take before things go back to the way they were?