CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE – SEVENTY THOUSAND YEN (SayoHiro)
Long after the last decorative piece has been taken down and the last booth folded, the euphoria of the festival still endured. Many students were still talking in excited tones about everything that had transpired, from a classmate's shining moment to another's embarrassing display, and the sights and sounds that had piqued their senses all throughout. It was as if everyone was savoring the joys and the breaks from all the schoolwork before the next obstacle of the year—their second batch of exams—reared its ugly head right before the holidays. While Christmas and New Year were not celebrated in Japan in the same degree that they were across the world, students still looked forward to them as it gave them around two weeks' worth of vacations. After all, it was a typical notion for the youth to look forward to such prospects instead of first addressing the elephants in their rooms.
For Sayori, however, such lighthearted notions were lightyears away given the mountainous trouble she was about to face. The privacy of her room was starting to feel like the cold interior of a jail cell, where she languished as she debated fiercely whether she was making the right choice.
She trembled as she stared at her cellphone, her mother's number still on the screen. Her stomach felt heavy, as if weights were popping up every now and then in her gut and bogged her down further. Her hands felt cold, and it had taken quite a bit of effort for her to even dial her mother's number in the first place. Enduring such sensations the entire day, worrying about the inevitable on a hellishly sluggish pace had caused her to fluctuate between resignation and paranoia—a terrible sensation compared to the emptiness she had been feeling for the past few days—but at the end of it all she had decided to try and take the plunge. It's what Akihiro would want, she mused to herself, as if the thought would offer her some comfort as she tried to steady her thoughts, even as her hands shook and her head felt dizzy with dread. Contrary to the ostensible assurance of her words, she had not even consulted Akihiro about her plan—and indeed, she had been avoiding him out of concern that she would begin taking up too much of his time again. The only emotion that was possibly stronger than her trepidation at the moment was her continued frustration at her own self.
As soon as she had realized that the money was missing, Sayori had searched every place she knew, even going so far as to retrace her steps downtown to the ATM machine she had withdrawn the money from. ATM, convenience store, the city hall, the park, the night market, home stretch. ATM, convenience store . . . Sayori repeatedly recounted in her head the landmarks that she remembered passing that night, hoping that the cadence she was creating would miraculously give her the answer she sought.
And of course, that it would also drown out the voices.
That was two weeks' worth of your allowance, plus the rent. Stupid girl.
You got distracted again, I'm sure. When exactly aren't you distracted, Sayori?
You're useless. Careless. Hopeless.
Sayori bit back her frustration, her hands trembling as they itched to beat her own head. She had wanted to punish herself so badly for screwing up this big, to the point where corporeal pain felt better than the continued assault on her thoughts that her mistake had created. She was expecting disappointment and anger from her mother to come her way in full force, enough to drown her in another pool of misery not unlike the one she had been wallowing in some time ago. During a few fleeting moments when she would try bargaining with herself and the universe about what she could do, her mind had turned up a few dishonest tactics that tempted her for a while. Lying was one of the simplest steps to take; Sayori knew she could simply make up a story about how she had used up part of the money for a sudden school project or an emergency excursion, sparing her the grief of being admonished fully. She could even make up a story about how she had been pickpocketed on her way home, a theory that Sayori also considered the actual reason behind her loss of the money. But her conscience and a mental image of her parents working hard in Fukushima always made her balk on using such fabrications. And so, Sayori knew she had to deal with it, and to do it alone and without any form of duplicity on her part; it would not do to fish for pity or make any excuses. Her growing sense of worthlessness would never be a good excuse, and her conscience and the voices that judged her would never let her live it down.
Akihiro, of course, had tried his best to find a concrete solution for her dilemma; with the sum of money she had lost, however, that would not be as easy as treating her for lunch or dinner when she came up short on her allowance. Thus far, the only solution that Akihiro had come up with that was manageable enough was to sell some of his high-level game accounts online from the long list of games he played— Arclight, Dungeon Delvers, Huntsman's Dusk and Skies of Justice, and many others that Sayori had never even heard of. Yesterday, he had explained to her how gamers from around Japan and even across the world would post on online forums to advertise their accounts, putting them up for sale for any prospective buyer who was looking for a particular class build, complete with high-grade armor and weapon sets and the right items in their inventories. As a casual gamer, Sayori was highly unfamiliar with such transactions, but Akihiro seemed optimistic as he posited how such accounts often sold for as high as eight thousand yen each. In the end, however, Sayori had decided against it, feeling guilty about the idea that Akihiro would be selling something that he worked hard for in order to bail her out again. Akihiro had tried changing her mind by stating how selling some of his game accounts would help him slack off less, something that Sayori had been advocating for him for a long time now, but Sayori remained adamant in her choice. And so, Akihiro went back to the drawing board, and Sayori doubled down on her efforts to find a better solution on her own before the problems began taking their toll on him as well.
And now, feeling a lump forming in her throat, Sayori dialed up her mother's number. Her chest began to throb as she heard the first ring. Words flitted past in her head, moving too fast for her to consider what they said and whether they could help her decide what she was going to say the moment her parents answered the call. Would she lie on the spot? Would she come clean?
The fourth and fifth rings passed. In Sayori's ears, the white noise seemed to echo ominously, as if doom was approaching. Her heart joined in the fray, hiking up its rhythm as it beat faster and faster in her chest.
Losing her nerve at the eighth ring, Sayori ended the call immediately and threw her phone on her bed, her breath starting to grow shakier. And yet, she knew it was all for naught; her mother would return her call with one of her own, or with a message asking her why she was calling in the first place. A hastily formulated story may do the trick, but Sayori found it even harder to think straight now as she paced around the room, rubbing her arms in an effort to ward off the chill on her body that had nothing to do with her room's temperature. She picked up Mr. Cow, sitting at the foot of her bed like a guardian, giving it a tight embrace and feeling slightly comforted at her memory of Akihiro scolding her jokingly for referring to the stuffed toy as a male every time.
I wish you were here, Akihiro. I wish I could just invite you here and spend time with you without having to bother you with my problems. Pouring all her longing into her bear hug on Mr. Cow, Sayori resisted the urge to call Akihiro with all her might. The trouble she had caused him during the festival was more than enough; having caused him to worry to the point where he had to pay her a sudden visit, she unwittingly prevented Akihiro from taking part in his class's scavenger race. The realization had come as another blow to her, solidifying both her resolve in never letting such a thing happen again and her increasing frustration towards herself. And above all that, there was also the dread brought by her prediction that Akihiro might be looking for ways to help her, causing him even more trouble than he deserved from her.
At that moment, her cellphone began beeping. Sayori recoiled in terror as her gaze rounded towards it, expecting to see her mother's call coming in. She soon saw, however, that it was merely a text message from Monika. With a gasp of both surprise and relief, Sayori quickly grabbed her cellphone and sat down on the bed, taking a look at the text.
"hello there, Sayori! i hope you're doing well. sorry for texting out of nowhere. i've been meaning to talk to you for the past week or so, TBH, but things have been picking up at the club to the point where i just end up forgetting. anyway, if you have some time, just tell me, okay?"
Sayori bit her lip, wondering what to say. For one thing, she wanted desperately to be able to talk to someone other than Akihiro, and on better days a close friend like Monika was easily the next best person for that; when she had approached her the day after the festival to ask about what had happened, Sayori felt comforted at her concern, though there was also the pain of remembering how much she had made Akihiro worry then and how she might have indirectly caused Monika to worry as well. After that, Monika had been unable to talk to her again, busy as she was with her debate club obligations as she was being pulled out of class to attend meetings and set up practices. With the prospect of being able to talk to her properly again, Sayori felt enthusiastic, though she was also worried about the idea that she might end up swamping Monika if she chose to vent about her problems.
After a couple of minutes, Sayori beat down her doubts and replied, "hey moni, sorry i was just doing some stuff… wat's up? is everything ok? :("
In lieu of a text message, Monika replied with a call of her own after a minute or so. Sayori scrambled to answer, having been caught off guard as she initially thought that it was her mother returning her previous attempt at calling.
"H-Hello? Moni?" she said, flustered.
"Hello there, Sayori!" Monika's voice sounded as cordial as ever as she spoke. "I hope I wasn't disturbing you or anything."
"No, no, it's fine! I was just waiting for your text," said Sayori, letting out a nervous laugh. "Is something up?"
"Are you free tonight? I was thinking of going back downtown to have a drink at the Cocoa Connection, and I thought I'd invite you. If you're game, we can talk for a bit as well there. What do you say?"
"Oh, that sounds nice and all, but . . . why aren't you going with Kenta? Or with your other friends?"
At that, she heard Monika let out a weary sigh from the other end of the call. The sound of it struck Sayori a bit, given that she rarely heard Monika express any sense of tiredness before. "Moni? Are you okay?" she asked.
"Mostly," said Monika with a short laugh. "I'm just thinking about . . . about a lot of stuff. And like I said, I've been meaning to talk to you one of these days. It's been pretty hectic, not gonna lie."
"Oh, I see. If you want, I can come with you, b-but there's just a slight problem. . ."
"Hmm? What is it? If you're busy, you don't have to come!"
"No, it's okay. I'm not doing anything else right now. It's just . . ." Sayori hesitated for a moment, wondering how best to say it.
"I'm a bit short on money right now. I mean, if you want me to eat and drink with you . . . well, I'm fine with just sitting back and talking, y-you know?"
As she spoke, Sayori felt shame and regret well up in her, wondering if she had done the right thing telling the truth. Though saying it to Monika was different from telling her mother about it, it still felt rather awkward, and the embarrassment of it all was doubled as she knew that she had no money right now because of her own blunder.
Oblivious to her plight, Monika said readily, "Don't worry. It'll be my treat!"
"N-No!" Pain tugged at Sayori's chest as she was reminded of Akihiro's generosity—often wasted on the likes of her, she felt. "You don't have to do that, Moni! I'll be fine!"
"Nonsense, Sayori. I don't want to drag you along with me on this just so you'll feel left out without anything to eat or drink. They serve a lot of good beverages there, and I don't want you missing out on anything you haven't tried yet!"
"But, Moni . . . w-wouldn't that be too much?"
"No, Sayori. It's a hundred percent okay with me." Monika's smile felt palpable in her voice from the other end of the call. "What are friends for?"
Sayori sighed helplessly, turning away from her phone for a moment. She knew there were only precious few seconds for her to decide before things started becoming awkward. Privately, as if it was an attempt at inserting some levity in the hopeless nature of her situation, she wondered if Akihiro's brand of generosity was starting to spread through the city like some sort of pandemic, and whether Monika was the first to succumb to it.
"A-Alright, fine. . ." she muttered at last. "Where do you wanna meet?"
Monika dominated an aura of simplicity and resplendence rolled into one as Sayori spotted her at the Cocoa Connection, her attire comprised of a long grey jacket over a white blouse, a pair of dark brown leggings and some mocha-colored Chelsea shoes to match, with a black leather handbag supplying the figurative cherry on top. Sayori, on the other hand, looked rather ordinary in a haphazard combination of a white shirt, blue jeans and her school sneakers, all topped by a pale pink jacket that had belonged to her mother. She felt rather self-conscious as she walked over to where Monika was sitting, reading through her cellphone with a contemplative look on her beautiful face. She looked up as she noticed Sayori approaching, and she beamed at her.
"Hello, Sayori!" she said, putting her phone down and standing up. "I'm really glad you could make it."
"It's better than staying at my apartment wondering what to do," said Sayori with a small laugh, though she knew the nature of things was far more worrisome than that. "I hope I didn't make you wait too long."
"No worries. You showed up around ten minutes after I did," said Monika. "Do you wanna order now, or should we talk for a bit first?"
"I'll just go with what you want." As she stood opposite Monika, Sayori wrapped her jacket tighter around her. "It feels even colder in here than it is outside," she added, shivering slightly.
"A hot cup of coffee will help you feel better," Monika remarked amiably. "Come on. Let's order something to drink before we start. That'll help us both warm up."
"Oh, s-sure thing!"
As she watched Monika order at the counter and anticipated her question as to what she would want to drink, Sayori felt even more ashamed of her own self. She had tried to mentally prepare herself for this particular scenario as she was walking towards downtown earlier, but her guilt arrived nonetheless and threatened to dampen her spirits further. She didn't have to do this. If only I didn't lose my money in the first place. I really am hopeless.
Ten minutes later, the two of them were back at their table. Monika picked up the freshly brewed cup of espresso she had ordered and took a small sip, sighing with satisfaction as she savored the taste. "Finally. . . I needed that," she said with a giggle, placing the cup down. In spite of the heavy feeling in her, Sayori laughed as well, feeling slightly refreshed by the taste of the strawberry latte macchiato Monika had bought her.
"So, how are you?" asked Monika. "I know I've asked you before, but there's always a lot more to discuss in person."
"I'm . . . normal," said Sayori, feeling sheepish as she failed to come up with the right term to say. Though she was far from okay, she could not bring herself to admit outright that she was having problems. "Lots of stuff have been happening, but things are pretty much okay, I t-think."
Monika nodded thoughtfully, and as she gazed at her with her emerald-like eyes, Sayori could not help but wonder if she was guessing the parts that she was leaving out.
"That's really good to hear," said Monika. "I mean . . . well, after those problems you've had a few months back, I was kinda worried that you might not be doing okay at some points. That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. Club activities have been keeping me occupied, but I got a bit of a breather tonight, and I remembered you all of a sudden."
Sayori attempted to smile back, though the problems waiting for her back at her apartment kept lurking like ominous shadows at the back of her mind. "You're thinking that I'm avoiding Akihiro again or something like that, aren't you?" she asked.
"That's one thing," replied Monika.
"Well, w-we're doing okay so far," said Sayori, her heart twitching a little at how conflicting the actual truth of it was. Though she had not been avoiding Akihiro again outright, she sensed that things would eventually go there. "He's just been busy with a lot of things too."
"That's nice to hear. It was really sweet of him to be so concerned about you when you didn't show up early for the festival. Good thing that you were okay too."
"Y-Yeah. . ." A moment of silence fell between them. Sayori mulled over her thoughts in the meantime, taking sips of strawberry latte macchiato in between. Just then, she remembered Monika's seemingly tired tone over her call earlier.
"How about you and Kenta?" she asked her. "Are you two doing okay?"
"Mostly," replied Monika, repeating her earlier response over the call. "We haven't been able to talk or meet up too much thanks to my club duties. The festival was the most recent time that we got together. We managed to eat together and talk for a bit. It was really nice."
"Aww, that's really sweet."
"Yeah." Monika let out a sigh, smiling rather sadly. The sight of it caught Sayori's attention further.
"Moni? What's wrong?"
Monika braced her cup of espresso with both hands. The anxious look on her face was something Sayori was not used to, given how unshakeable Monika always seemed in her eyes in spite of any minor inconveniences brought by school life that the two of them experienced.
"I just . . . I don't know," said Monika. "A lot of things have been going through my mind, and sometimes I just end up drifting back to them even when I should be taking a break. It's just starting to pile up. Not just at school, but at home as well."
"What is it? Did something happen?" asked Sayori concernedly.
"Not really. It's just my parents being . . ." Monika shrugged, as if she had no idea how to correctly phrase her reply. "I feel so alone at home nowadays. Mom and I . . . well, let's just say that we're not on the best of terms right now."
"Oh, I hope everything becomes fine soon," said Sayori. "Um, did you two f-fight or something?"
"You could say that. I really thought the last would be when she showed up at Kenta's house to pick me up, but . . . well, she caught me and Kenta on a date here."
"Wait, really?!" At that, a myriad of images flitted past in Sayori's mind as she imagined what had happened, with each scene reminiscent of the romance dramas she had watched online in the past. "What did she say?"
"To me, nothing much. I didn't want to have any more arguments, not with how strained we both were, but I really wanted to ask her what she said to Kenta. He was the one she talked to the most, right before we left. I didn't know what exactly she told him, but I can hazard a guess from how Kenta has been recently."
"Oh, no. . . How did Kenta react?"
Monika sighed again. "I can tell that it's bothering him a lot. When we met at the festival, he wasn't as energetic as he usually was. And then there were these guys who were picking on him and all. . . I helped him get away from them before any trouble could happen, and I tried cheering him up after that. He seemed fine after that, but . . . I'm just worried about how he's doing while we're not talking."
"But what if your mom catches you two again?" asked Sayori.
"I don't know," Monika replied. "I don't want to get Kenta into trouble, but . . . I can't help it. I'm busy with a lot of things and all, but that doesn't mean I don't miss him every single time, you know? That's why I want to spend as much of my free time with him as I can, but even that's becoming hard to do, with how tired I get after school and at home. We still text each other, of course, but even if he tells me that he's doing fine, I keep thinking that . . ."
Shaking her head, Monika emptied her cup of espresso and plopped back on her seat. "Honestly, I can't wait for nationals to be over. Maybe things will get back to normal then. All this pressure to do well, to lead everyone to victory . . . but I can't exactly complain, right? Not when a lot of people are depending on me."
"No, it's okay if you want to complain, Moni," said Sayori reassuringly. "It's always good to let out what you want to say, especially if you're starting to become stressed." And yet, even as she said these words, Sayori knew how hypocritical they were as she knew that she herself was holding back on venting to Monika and Akihiro and everyone else about how she was actually doing. The thought made her words die down in her throat, and she found herself unable to say anything else for a moment.
When she looked back at Monika, she saw that she was smiling. "I appreciate that, Sayori. Thank you," she told her. Sayori managed to smile back, though her guilt and shame kept eating away at her from the inside.
"You're right about all that. It's what Kenta's been telling me too," Monika continued. "There are times when I should just learn to choose to step away and give myself some space to breathe. If I just keep burning myself out, I won't be able to do anything good. It's always like that, you know? I just want to keep on giving a piece of myself in the things I've been tasked to take on, to the point where I don't save anything for myself, and I just end up being worse for wear because of it. I need to keep reminding myself that there are always choices to be made—not just in spending time with Kenta, but in spending time with you and everyone else, to have fun in spite of the busy days, to unwind when things become too much. Because I owe that to myself, and no can take that from me."
"Yes, that's the spirit!" said Sayori encouragingly. "Keep doing that for yourself, Moni, and don't let anyone tell you that you can't. If you need to spend some time alone, if you need to have someone to talk to, if you need to take a break, don't feel bad about doing so."
Monika laughed a little. "You haven't been talking to Kenta, have you? Because you two tell me the same things sometimes," she said jokingly.
"Same with you a-and Akihiro, to be honest," Sayori shot back.
"Touché," said Monika, laughing. "Thank you for saying it, though. I just end up forgetting these bits of wisdom when life becomes too much, to be honest. With your help and Kenta's, I swear I'll remember it better. But don't forget to devote that kind of pep talk for yourself too!" she reminded her.
"O-Of course," said Sayori, feeling embarrassed all over again for being unable to walk her own talk.
"If things are becoming too rough, you can talk to Akihiro or me or anyone else," Monika went on. "We can meet up and spend time together like this if you want. In fact, I think it's something we should be doing more often, don't you agree?
"If it's not too much trouble, yeah," replied Sayori. Her memories of that get-together at Monika's house still stood out brightly amidst her negative thoughts, and in spite of herself, she still longed for the next instance that they would gather together again and have fun—not just with Monika and Akihiro, but with Kenta as well, with quiet Yuri and feisty Natsuki, along with Daisuke and Naoki too.
"I'm just sad that I didn't do this sooner, and now I'm too busy to do it more often," said Monika with a sigh. "I want to look forward to the end of the nationals so that I can spend more time with you and Kenta and everyone else outside of school again, but January still feels like a year away, to be honest."
"Don't worry," said Sayori. "Once you're no longer a busy bee, we'll be able to—"
At that moment, her cellphone began ringing from inside her jacket's pocket. Sayori jumped in her seat at the sound, scrambling to check who was calling, and her heart gave a sickening lurch of dread when she saw that it was her mother. Sayori quickly rejected the call and sent a quick text in case her mother called again.
"doing something rn mom, i'll just txt u l8r, sorry!"
As she placed her cellphone down on the table, she turned back to Monika and said with a nervous laugh, "I'm really sorry. I was trying to call Mom earlier, that's why she's calling back now."
"That's okay," said Monika. "I wouldn't mind if you picked it up, though."
"N-No, I'm just . . ." Sayori wrung her hands helplessly, feeling as if she was digging herself a deeper hole instead of buying herself more time to bail out. She looked once again at Monika, seeing glimpses of Akihiro in her brown hair and her green eyes, and she felt even more shamefaced.
"I-It's just a problem at my apartment, that's all. . ." she muttered, trying not to sound too apprehensive. However, such a thing would be impossible to pull off against someone as perceptive as Monika, she knew. True enough, Monika looked even more concerned now.
"Sayori, what is it?" she asked her.
"Don't worry about it, it's nothing too serious," Sayori lied hastily. "I was j-just . . ."
At that, Monika beseeched her with a more serious look. "Sayori, if it's causing you to be like this, I can tell that it's serious," she declared. "What is it?"
Sayori turned away helplessly, her mind beginning to fill with frustrated thoughts as she cursed again her ineptitude in keeping things to herself. Part of her wanted to bolt out of the Cocoa Connection all the way back to her apartment, where there would be more hurtful thoughts waiting to send her spiraling downwards into a pool of empty despondence, but her legs seemed to freeze out from under her as Monika kept her under her stern but well-meaning gaze.
Bowing her head, Sayori took in a deep, shaky breath. "O-Okay, I'll tell you what this is all about," she said almost tearfully. "But you have to promise that you won't tell Akihiro!"
Her expression softening somewhat, Monika nodded.
"Okay. I . . . I lost some money." Sayori stalled for a moment, feeling herself cringe as she listened to her own words. All around her, the patrons of the Cocoa Connection merely carried on drinking, eating and chatting, but she felt as if every one of them was listening in secretly to her narrating her woes. "It w-was supposed to be my allowance and my payment for the rent. I don't know where or how I lost it. All I know is that w-when I got home after picking it up at an ATM, it wasn't with me anymore. I've looked everywhere, but I couldn't find it, so I think I dropped it s-somewhere. . ."
All the while, Monika simply looked at her with that concerned gleam in her eyes, waiting for her to finish. Sayori shrugged feebly, trying to smile or laugh or at least express in some weird way how helpless the entire situation really was; anything except crying in front of Monika. "Mom doesn't know yet. I wanted to c-call her earlier to try and tell her about it, but I chickened out because I'm sure she's gonna get mad at me either way. Well, it's n-not like I don't deserve it for being so careless and . . . a-and stupid. . ."
"No, Sayori, please don't say that," said Monika at last, looking at her like an older sister would towards a troubled sibling and making Sayori feel even more disgraced. "This kind of scenario is regrettable, but it can be addressed."
"H-How?" asked Sayori. "It's not like I can just find that kind of m-money somewhere around here. I didn't know if I should just tell Mom the truth or if I should just make up some story to hide it so that she and Dad can just send some again. Either way, if I don't end up p-paying the rent on time, the landlord at my place might start asking about it. He might even end up calling Mom, and she'd f-find out, and I'll be in big trouble."
Monika let out a sigh, her eyes still tinged with that same sisterly concern. Sayori knew that she was trying hard to think of the right words to say, and she was even ready at the prospect of being lectured for her irresponsibility. Even the scolding she would get from her parents would likely be better than the cold, cruel chastisement the voices in her mind would give her all over again once she got home later.
"How much did you lose?"
Not anticipating the question, Sayori felt struck somewhat. "W-What do you mean?" she asked.
"How much money did you lose?" Monika asked again. There was some measure of insistence in her voice, Sayori noticed, though it was not out of unkindness. She swallowed anxiously.
"S-Seventy thousand yen. . ." she stammered in reply. The figure hung in the air between them, glaring, almost abnormal, as if it was an anomaly that did not deserve to be uttered so openly.
In a business-like manner, Monika leaned forward over the table, placing her arms atop it like she was about to say something so confidential—which it was, as Sayori was about to find out.
"Okay. Does your landlord have, like, a bank account for which he receives the rent from the tenants at your place?" Monika inquired.
"I don't know. I never asked. W-Why?" Sayori asked in return.
"I'm going to pay your rent," Monika replied.
The words resounded like the mother of all bombs, rattling Sayori's core as her eyes widened in shock. "W-What?!" she exclaimed, prompting some people to glance at the two of them. Beating back her bewilderment, she lowered her tone, though she could not quite stop herself from trembling in both voice and body as she went on.
"What do you mean you'll p-pay?! You . . . I don't . . . I can't let that happen!"
"Sayori, it's okay," said Monika firmly.
"No, it's n-not!" Sayori shifted in her seat restlessly, as if what Monika was suggesting would bring about the end of the world. "Moni, y-you don't need to!"
"Sayori, I'm telling you, it's okay." And this time, Monika smiled again, and Sayori had to wonder how crazy she was to actually flash such an expression about something so risky. She's lost it. She's definitely lost it from all the debates and school stuff, she told herself.
"I'm not saying or doing this to brag," Monika went on, "but I've saved up quite a bit of money because my parents always give me more than I really need. Maybe they want me to spend it on whatever I want, maybe they want me to save it for a rainy day or college, I don't know. Either way, if I'm free to use it, it's better if I do it to help you."
Sayori bit her lip, the pain of knowing that she was being offered such generosity becoming too much to bear. She knew that Monika's family was probably so rich that seventy thousand yen seemed like a minor, temporary speedbump for Monika's savings, but it was still too much to even ask, let alone accept it even if it was being given so freely. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve any of it. I have to say no. Sayori clung onto the notion of refusing, her efforts willed towards finding a solution all alone for problems of her making. But across that was the equal helplessness of knowing that she could not possibly find a solution that would address things in time before it all started escalating. On the table, her cellphone lay dormant, and while her mother had not replied yet to her last message, the wait for it was starting to feel like a countdown timer ticking towards the inevitable as Sayori was slowly being compelled to make a choice.
"Sayori, I don't want to put pressure on you, okay?" said Monika earnestly, cutting through her thoughts. "I just want to help you before this grows into a bigger problem. If you're worried about paying me back, don't. You don't have to, alright?"
"T-That makes it even worse!" said Sayori petulantly. "Moni, I can't let you waste your m-money on me like this!"
"It won't be a waste, Sayori," Monika proffered. "This is a legitimately serious matter worth addressing."
"But how can you be sure? W-What if I'm just making it up, right? What if I'm just lying so that I can get m-more money?"
A regretful look crossed Monika's face, as if she was feeling her pain. "Sayori, from the way you're acting right now, I know you're not making all this up. And I know you're not the kind of person who'd take advantage of people. If I'm making you uncomfortable, I'm really sorry. I just want to help you. You're my friend, after all."
Sayori bowed her head, embarrassment and dejection eating away at her resolve at a steady rate. Across the table, Monika waited patiently for her reply, and Sayori knew she had all the time in the world right now to make a choice—not that it made things easier, especially as she glanced at her cellphone, expecting to see her mother's reply coming in at any moment.
Just accept it, she told herself. Just say yes, and you won't have to worry about the rent anymore. What's so difficult about that, you big dummy?
Maybe you should. There's nothing wrong . . . or is there?
No, don't. One answer for you would just end being another problem for Monika.
Besides, why should someone else have to solve your problems for you? Can't you handle things on your own? When you talked to Akihiro about being more independent, was that just another joke?
Sayori took a deep breath as she made her choice.
The city was well into the evening by the time the two of them left the Cocoa Connection. The air had grown so cold that Sayori felt her body and mind growing heavier, though she wondered if that was not caused primarily by what had just transpired between her and Monika. As she stood next to her, staring out at the city streets with a smile on her beautiful face, Monika did not seem as troubled as she was about giving up seventy thousand yen. Sayori had wanted to keep refusing, to think of a better excuse as to why she could not possibly accept Monika's offer, but the continued distress of finding even more excuses for her landlord and her parents had won her over in the end. She avoided Monika's gaze for a moment, feeling utterly shameful for even accepting her offer, and she privately wished she had the same confidence and resolve that her friend had when it came to be untroubled about such dilemmas.
Monika took a deep breath. "So refreshing, to be out and about like this," she said happily. "I really hope we have more of these kinds of meetups, Sayori."
"I know," said Sayori, her own breath misting in the cold air as she exhaled. "M-Maybe we can invite the others along next time too."
"Yes. It'd be nice if we can have Yuri and Natsuki come along, to be honest," said Monika. "Just us four having a good girls' night out drinking coffee and eating somewhere nice, if the boys aren't available."
"As long as you don't spend too much money on me again, it'd be r-really nice," Sayori remarked rather sullenly.
"Hey, I've already told you, it's okay," said Monika. "I'm glad that I could help you with this, at least. This way, you won't have a lot to worry about anymore, and you can tell your mom that everything's taken care of."
"I know, I know. . ." Sayori attempted to smile, but she came up short as she felt embarrassed all over again. The burden within her merely kept growing, drowning out any further optimism or slivers of joy with the thought that, no matter what she chose to do, it all seemed fruitless and wrong in the end, regardless of whether she did it to help herself or spare her friends from any trouble from her. Still, like she had been thinking earlier, the last thing she wanted was to break down in front of her friend, especially after Monika was now feeling better about her own problems.
"Maybe I'll just walk around the night market before I go on home. How about you?" Monika asked her. "Are you going to be okay walking home alone?"
"Y-Yeah, I'll be fine," replied Sayori.
"Okay. Just remember what I said, alright?" said Monika kindly. "If you need someone to talk to, I'm just one text away. And don't forget about Akihiro too!"
"Don't worry, I won't." This time, Sayori managed to find the drive to give her a small smile. "Thank you so much, Moni. For all this, and for your help a-and all. You're a real lifesaver."
Monika beamed back. "You're very much welcome, Sayori. And thank you as well for coming along and listening to this old lady's complaints," she said jokingly. "Take care of yourself, okay? I'll see you at school!"
And with that, the two of them parted ways, and Sayori began the long walk home. Her feet felt leaden beneath her, carrying her along at a sluggish pace that seemed deadened compared to the brisk and even lively steps of the people passing by around her. In some way, Sayori knew she should be comforted at the idea that the next phone call she would have with her mother would not be as catastrophic as it would have been around two hours ago. But as the thoughts and voices began whispering in her head, she knew that seventy thousand yen was now the least of her problems.
A/N: And here we go! It was tricky to get this chapter to work, NGL, and the original draft was pretty different from what I ended up with. Had to change the beginning since I felt it was pretty out of place compared to the tone I wanted the chapter to have, and I had to set aside the parts I edited out in case I could use them for future chapters instead. Anyway, I hope this is a good read for you all, and that it'll be a setup of things to come. Because the festival's over, my friends, and in DDLC terms, we're entering the second act now. Buckle up!
Also, for those of you who don't know, I've uploaded a new fic here on FFN and on AO3 as well. If any of you are Danganronpa fans, feel free to check it out! It's called "Selfless Devotion" on FFN, "Selflessly Devoted to You" on AO3.
That's that. See you in the next upload. Cheers!