A/N: From this point onward, depression, self-harm and other sensitive issues might be shown, portrayed or discussed in this chapter and others to come. Reader discretion is advised for those who are sensitive to such matters.

CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN – TO HOPE (YuKi)

"Yes, Mom, I won't be long," said Naoki in his cellphone. "I'll just take care of a few things with my classmates for our group reporting tomorrow, and then I'll drop by the hospital."

"Alright, just tell me when you're at the hospital already, okay?" his mother said through the phone call. "I'd drop by the store myself, but Tsukiko might lose her nerve if I'm not there."

"No problem, Mom. I'll be there."

"Thank you, son. Take care on your way there, okay?"

"Of course, Mom. You take care too."

Naoki shook his head as he hung up the call, digesting the grim nature of things to come. Since Tsuru Kobayashi's confinement after her suicide attempt, his mother had been frequenting the hospital to keep Tsuru's sister company during her free time, visiting and helping her take care of things. After the initial week of the confinement, things seemed to stabilize into a quiet, almost hopeful air, and the arrival of the Kobayashi relatives added to the general feeling of hope. But soon, the days rolled by with little to no improvement, leaving the doctors and nurses to suggest the heartbreaking notion that perhaps Tsuru would never wake up from her coma. Naoki knew that his mother was there when the news was delivered to the Kobayashi family, and while she did not go into any details, he did not have to think too hard to imagine the kind of grief and shock that gripped the family. Since then, his mother visited even more frequently, offering what comfort and hope she could for Tsukiko and the rest of the Kobayashi family that she knew. And now, judging by her mother's nervousness, it would seem that the Kobayashi family was starting to come to terms with the inevitable, and Tsukiko had begged his mother to come over. Even Naoki was shaken as he guessed what was about to transpire.

He pocketed his cellphone with a sigh, stood up, and made his way back inside the classroom. As he sat down in his seat, Yuri looked at him anxiously from where she was sitting.

She leaned forward. "A-Are you okay, Naoki?" she asked quietly.

Naoki put up a small smile. "I'm fine, thanks. It's just . . . a call from Mom. She needs me to buy a few things for her before she goes to visit a friend at the hospital. I'm going to take care of it after school."

"Ah, I see. D-Do you need some company?" asked Yuri. "Maybe I can come along with you. I have to buy some medicine for Grandmother."

"Oh, is she okay?"

"Yes, it's just some maintenance medication. Sometimes, I buy some from the hospital's pharmaceutical center if there aren't any in the drugstores downtown."

"Ah, that's convenient, I suppose. Well, if it isn't much trouble for you, maybe you can come along. But it'd be a while before I can go, since after class I'll be planning with my groupmates for our presentation in Social Studies tomorrow."

"Oh, I'll just w-wait for you until then. We can go together after that."

"Will that be okay with you?"

"O-Of course." Yuri smiled. "Maybe I can just read outside while you're having your meeting."

"Sure thing. I just hope we don't take too long, to be honest," said Naoki.

"Don't worry, it won't be a bother f-for me." At that, Yuri stood up. "Anyway, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I just need to . . . y-you know . . ."

She gestured towards her forearm with the tiniest of waves. Instantly knowing what she meant, Naoki said, "Oh, of course, go right ahead."

As Yuri went off with a quiet word of thanks, Naoki watched her go, sighing inwardly as he visualized what she would be doing. With most of her cuts now healing, Yuri needed to focus only on the deeper ones she had made—the ones that worried him the most. At times, he even found himself stricken with a bit of anxiety in his room as he wondered how Yuri was doing, and whether she was close to another relapse. And yet, to try and talk to her about it, to even suggest what solutions Yuri could take, Naoki found it very difficult to mount an effective way of helping her. The online forums he had browsed had numerous comments offering words of comfort and encouragement to those who practiced self-harm, giving him an idea of what to say should Yuri be stricken by enough anxiety to start cutting again, but it was a whole other matter to say those words to the person firsthand compared to saying them through an online comment or text message. Staying quiet felt even worse at times, given that it made Naoki think that he was ignoring Yuri's problems, but he sensed that it was the best option to take without putting Yuri under a spotlight that she'd rather avoid.

When Yuri returned a few minutes later, she looked pale. Naoki knew that it was both pain she had just felt and inward shame she was enduring that was causing her to appear so. Readily, he leaned over towards her and shifted things to another area, well away from the obvious.

"I've been meaning to ask, how are you and Natsuki doing so far?"

Yuri gave him a small, embarrassed smile. "We haven't s-spoken yet after the festival, but I do look f-forward to chatting with her again. I don't see her quite often on the rooftop anymore, though. S-She isn't avoiding me, is she?"

"No, of course not," Naoki assured her. "I think she and Daisuke are just reading manga somewhere else when that happens."

"I see. . ." Yuri sighed. "I was always scared of saying too much in front of Natsuki. She doesn't seem like the type who appreciates someone who t-talks too much."

"On the contrary, Daisuke told me a few times how she finds you easy to talk to," said Naoki, smiling. "Natsuki might be another type of quiet, but I think she does like being around you."

"Do you r-really think so?" asked Yuri, her lavender eyes tinged with a glimmer of nervousness.

"Yes. Back at the festival, you mentioned how she seemed interested in poetry, right? Maybe you can use that to bond with her some more, get her out of her shell the same way Daisuke did with manga."

"M-Maybe. . . We'll see what happens. I just hope I don't o-overdo it. . ."

Naoki smiled. "I'm sure you'll do just fine the next time you two meet."

"I hope s-so," said Yuri, smiling timidly back.

The onset of grey clouds blotting out the sunset seemed to herald the arrival of rain, but thankfully no such thing happened as Yuri waited dutifully outside the grocery that Naoki had gone into for his mother's errand. Yuri had wanted to come in with him, but the store's crowded interior made her realize that waiting outside in the cold was a better option for her instead of standing around inside and getting in someone's way. In her head, she went over her train of thought consciously over and over again, intending to make sure that she would not let her anxiety rise up by fumbling or messing up in any way. I'm just going with Naoki, buy some medicine, and maybe spend some time at the Monocle or someplace else afterwards, she mused. It won't be that different from what we've done before. People passed her by, occasionally brushing against her and oblivious to her conscious efforts to ward off her anxiety as she stood at the edge of the sidewalk where the grocery was. She rubbed her hands together, the chill from both the weather and her nervousness working together as they threatened to numb her fingers. Soon enough, it would grow cold to the point where people would be shifting into their winter clothing already, and that was when she remembered her grandmother.

True enough, the onset of winter was the best time in the world for Yuri; just like she had told Natsuki before, the cold weather offered the comfortable prospects of staying indoors while being warmed by a cup of hot tea with an open book to peruse, but not many people found the chilly atmosphere comfortable. Her grandmother, with her advanced age, was more prone to the cold than she was as her joints and weakened muscles ached. Yuri often made it a point to help her keep warm by making tea during the wintry afternoons and evenings, and also by preparing thick blankets for her to sleep in. Still, the toll that winter often took on her grandmother was something that always tugged at Yuri's anxiety annually, no matter how many blankets or pots of tea she prepared.

By the time Naoki finished buying what he needed, Yuri was rubbing her hands together subtly to ward off the cold. Still, it didn't take long for Naoki to notice it, his grey eyes glancing at her hands with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry if that took too long," he said. "The line was quite long at the cashier."

"It's no problem," said Yuri earnestly. "Do you need t-to go somewhere else?"

"I don't think so. The hospital should be our next stop now. Shall we go?"

"S-Sure."

Apart from the noises of downtown Eishima, the walk to the hospital was a relatively quiet one, accentuated by the dreariness of the overcast weather around them. Not that it mattered, Yuri knew, given that she was slowly starting to see how moments of silence did not necessarily herald disinterest from Naoki or her; after all, as introverts, such moments of silence were commonplace. If anything, it allowed her to observe the hustle and bustle of the city and visualize certain themes for her poetry as they walked. Doing so made her remember Natsuki as well, and again Yuri wondered privately when the two of them will be able to talk once more.

"If you finish buying up that medication for your grandma and I'm not done yet giving these to Mom, are you okay with staying in the hospital lobby?" Naoki asked her as they drew near the hospital.

"Yes, that would be fine," replied Yuri. "A-And in case I'm the one who takes too long, you can just wait for me there instead."

"Sure thing," said Naoki. "I'm not gonna stay long, don't worry. The last time I came over with Mom for a visit, it was rather difficult to sit through things."

Yuri looked at him worriedly. "Is this a-about your mother's friend?"

"Yes," said Naoki with a sigh. "She's . . . not doing good, from what Mom told me. She's been in a coma for weeks now, you see."

"Oh, dear. Is it from an illness? O-Or an accident?" Yuri inquired.

A heavy form of sadness crossed Naoki's bespectacled gaze. "Suicide attempt," he said quietly.

Yuri felt her heart stop at that. Many times before, in both literature and the informative books she had read, she had stumbled across depression as both a theme and a topic—and of course, the suicides it brought. She remembered Naoki's words back at the festival, about troubled alcoholic Curt Morgan from Dreams of Dystopium, young Natasha Johnson from Laughing at the Shadows, even raven-haired Libitina from The Portrait of Markov. Their stories all touched upon the subject, with the writing giving readers a glimpse of just how heavy certain burdens can be, especially ones that involved the darkness within a person. Their experiences, immortalized in literature in spite of their status as fictional beings, were just as real as those that actual people in real life go through. But very rarely did Yuri ever get to hear about an actual suicide, or at least an attempt, from people that she or her friends knew.

The silence that had followed their brief exchange prevailed all the way to the hospital. As if separated from the rest of the city with a veil of somberness, it was quieter within the hospital grounds compared to the streets around it. Private vehicles and an occasional taxi or two passed by, dropping off and picking up passengers as they drove past parked ambulances. Though there were many people around, no one seemed to have the thought of speaking out loud. Sobered by Naoki's revelation, Yuri glanced around as the two of them walked to the entrance, looking at the ambulances and wondering what other stories of pain and even loss they held. In most of the times she had visited the hospital to buy medicine for her grandmother, she had never bothered much to do so, distracted as she was with her recollections of her past readings and, during bleaker days, the thought of going home to her knives.

At the entrance, Naoki turned to her. "You go on ahead and buy what you need for your grandma," he told her. "I'll just call Mom and tell her I'm here."

"Oh, s-sure thing," said Yuri in return, nodding modestly.

The pharmaceutical center seemed even colder and more lugubrious as Yuri entered. Sitting at the hospital's left side, it was a small facility with an even smaller lobby where hospital goers would wait on the medical supplies they bought. Thankfully, unlike the grocery store earlier, there were no people inside other than the two hospital clerks at the counters. Rummaging in her school bag, Yuri took out the small piece of paper that was her grandmother's prescription—tucked in between the pages of one of her notebooks—and handed it to one of the clerks. Obviously knowing protocol, the woman nodded and retreated into the back to get the prescribed medicine. As she went, Yuri eyed the boxes and bottles of medication lining the center's shelves behind the counters. Semi-random thoughts floated in her mind as she looked at them, each bleaker than the last as they spoke of addictions that are too difficult to curb and illnesses that are too complex to be cured. She drew in a deep, silent breath as she caressed her left forearm, feeling exposed all of a sudden. When the other clerk left and disappeared in the back as well, Yuri could not help but heave a sigh of relief at being left alone.

The clerk returned a short while later, bringing with her three blister packs of differently colored pills which she began depositing in a small paper bag. Standing ready, Yuri took out her grandmother's money from her wallet, leafing through the bills with some difficulty as her hands trembled a little.

"You're looking a little pale there, miss," said the woman suddenly. Yuri looked at her, surprised.

"P-Pale?" she muttered.

"Yes. Are you feeling okay?" the clerk asked in an earnest tone as she stapled the paper bag shut. "Feeling sick?"

"Ah, n-not really," said Yuri, her anxiety creeping in slowly as the prospect of a conversation loomed. "Just tired, that's all. From s-school and . . . and other things. . ." she added rather awkwardly, placing her payment on the counter.

The woman nodded, her gaze rather sympathetic. "Yes, winter and stress just don't mix sometimes," she said, handing Yuri the paper bag and taking the payment from the counter. "With all this cold and whatnot, people are more likely to get sick. My daughter's feeling a little green around the gills too. Exams and all. You're about the same age, I reckon. But she's not from Koizumi like you."

"I see. . ." Yuri fidgeted a little, wondering what else to say. But the clerk didn't seem to notice or mind as she punched in her purchase and handed her a receipt and her grandmother's prescription.

"T-Thank you," Yuri muttered, lowering her gaze as she deposited everything in her school bag.

"Take care," said the woman, giving her a small, motherly smile.

Feeling her face growing colder from her nervousness, Yuri gave the clerk a polite but awkward nod and left hastily. As she walked towards the hospital entrance, however, she felt embarrassed at her conduct. She seemed nice. I should've said something more, she thought, shamefaced.

When she opened the hospital entrance's glass doors and glanced around, Naoki was nowhere to be seen. Yuri entered nervously. As she did, the clerk sitting at the reception desk adjacent to the entrance stood up. "Yes, ma'am? In for a visit?" she asked.

"Ah, no. I'm just w-waiting on a friend of mine," said Yuri in reply. "He told me to wait for him in the lobby."

The clerk smiled. "In that case, the lobby's straight that way to the right."

"Thank you," said Yuri, grateful that she remembered her manners this time.

Right as she entered the lobby, however, where there were other hospital visitors sitting atop rows of stainless steel chairs, she saw Naoki conversing with a woman who could only be his mother, obviously because she was now carrying the grocery bags Naoki had earlier. She had the same hair color and grey eyes as he did, and her black and white office-like attire reminded Yuri of some of their female teachers at school, giving her an air of stern formality that immediately intimidated her. She stopped in her tracks, wondering if she should approach the two of them or if she should wait for Naoki outside instead, but her thoughts skidded to a grinding halt as she spotted Naoki's mother glancing at her, raising her eyebrows in mild surprise. She said something to Naoki, who looked around and saw her as well.

"Oh, there you are, Yuri!" he said, smiling.

Faced with no other choice, Yuri walked over to the two of them as if she was walking to her doom. Mrs. Nakajima, on the other hand, smiled as she drew closer to them.

"You must be Yuri Hoshino," she said genially, temporarily dispelling Yuri's notion of her being stern. "I've only ever heard about you from Naoki here. It's nice to meet you in person at last."

"S-Same here, ma'am," Yuri stammered, cursing herself around two seconds later at how informal her reply seemed. To make up for it, she shook hands with Mrs. Nakajima politely.

"I didn't r-realize you two were still talking," she told them. "I hope I didn't d-disturb you or anything."

"Oh, not at all," said Mrs. Nakajima. "I met Naoki down here instead since it'd save him the hassle of going upstairs."

"Did you get what you needed, Yuri?" Naoki asked her.

"Y-Yes, I did," replied Yuri.

Mrs. Nakajima smiled rather knowingly. "Are you two going somewhere? A date, perhaps?"

Naoki turned faintly pink, looking over at Yuri. "W-Well . . . You can call it that, I guess," he said with a nervous laugh.

Yuri flashed a mortified smile at him as well at the answer, while Mrs. Nakajima laughed along. "In that case, I won't keep you two here for too long," she said lightly. She turned towards Yuri again and added, "You know, it's good to see him going out some more now. I'm glad you've convinced him to start dating."

"You're making it sound like I'm an old bachelor or something, Mom," Naoki muttered sheepishly. The way he scratched his head nervously and shuffled his feet gave him a whole different and cuter air from the gentlemanly demeanor he often exuded, making Yuri's heart flutter.

"That's because you're always in the house reading and studying," his mother tutted in response. "I've always told you, it's okay to go out and have some fun every once in a while, and it's good to know you're actually doing it."

"I know, Mom," Naoki sighed, though he couldn't stop himself from smiling as he crossed gazes with Yuri again.

His mother laughed again. "Well, don't let me keep you two from going where you need to go. I need to be back upstairs as well. Tsukiko might be wondering where I went if I'm out for too long."

"Yeah, maybe we'll just grab a bite to eat before we go home," said Naoki, looking relieved that his mother's banter was cut short.

"Alright, just take care," Mrs. Nakajima told him as she went forward to embrace him with her free arm. She looked over at Yuri and smiled again. "I hope to see you again one of these days, Yuri. Preferably somewhere other than a hospital, of course."

"I hope so t-too, ma'am," Yuri responded, smiling back.

At that, Mrs. Nakajima left, hurrying back upstairs along with the groceries Naoki had bought. Yuri watched her go for a moment, crashing back down to earth as she remembered the true, grim nature of her visit here to her comatose friend. She looked over at Naoki, who seemed to be thinking of the same thing and had deflated emotionally as well.

"Still up for that cup of tea before we go home?" he asked.

"Yes," said Yuri silently.

To their disappointment, The Monocle was full of people when the two of them arrived around ten minutes after their hospital visit. Both students and office workers were there, enjoying the onset of the evening over hot cups of coffee or tea, and platefuls of confections. Given that the autumn chill continued to drive people indoors, it came as no big surprise. And so, as evening approached, Naoki surveyed the streets quickly until he found a suitable place to fall back to: a relatively spacious but casual-looking coffee shop named Five Beans and a Bun. Only half of the seats were occupied, given that the venue's ordinary look—simple wallpaper, wooden furniture and minimalist decorations—did not seem to draw in too much visitors, especially when compared with the posh sophistication of other similar venues or the unique atmosphere of themed cafés like The Monocle. Still, it was more than enough for Naoki, since its appearance and lack of crowds would help make Yuri feel less exposed, he knew.

"I hope Mom didn't make things too awkward earlier," he told Yuri with an apologetic smile as he stirred the cup of hot cocoa he ordered. "She always likes to have a little fun when she sees me doing, you know . . . extroverted stuff," he added, laughing a little.

"It's fine," said Yuri with a smile, blowing at the cup of red herbal tea she had chosen for herself. "I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable by p-popping up out of nowhere like that."

"It's a hundred percent okay, Yuri. Don't worry about it. I was actually thinking about when you and Mom would meet, so I'm glad it happened today."

"Yes, it was nice meeting her at last. She . . . She seemed to be holding up well, w-with what happened to her friend and all. . ."

Naoki let out a sigh, his smile fading. "Yes, but I just know she's feeling pretty worried about it too. You see, about her friend, her name is Tsuru Kobayashi. She's an old colleague of hers. The rest of us at home knew her pretty well too, since she visited often to talk to Mom about a lot of things. She . . ."

At that moment, his cellphone beeped in his pocket. he took it out and saw a message from his mother. "they're all here, just talking inside the room. went out to give them some privacy. hoping it goes well, whatever happens."

Naoki felt his heart twitch with both dread and sorrow as he stared at the text message for a bit longer. He put his phone back in his pocket and faced Yuri again, wondering how best to share more about Tsuru Kobayashi and her current condition—or if he should even be sharing anything about it to begin with now that the hour seemed to have come at the hospital. It was a private and sensitive issue, to be sure, but given how Tsuru was a family friend and how her plight was something that always stuck with him whenever he remembered it, it felt like something he should mull over with someone as close to him as Yuri was. His mother, who was now updating him about what was happening, no doubt looked for that same comfort that he was seeking in being able to talk to someone about what was happening.

Before he could continue, Yuri asked in a hushed tone, "W-When did it happen?"

Naoki drew in a deep breath, regaining his mental bearings. "The week right after our exams," he replied after a bit of recall. "She . . . She was found unresponsive by her sister Tsukiko at her apartment. Mom found out about it a couple of days later from her. We went to visit her once, and . . ."

Remembering the image of Tsuru with those tubes on her body possibly being the only things still keeping her alive, words failed him for a moment. Yuri observed him keenly, her amethyst gaze tinged with worry. He took a sip of hot cocoa, relishing the warmth and sweetness it gave him.

"Her family arrived the same week," he managed to continue. "They've been holding out on the hope that she'll wake up eventually, but that's starting to fade. Mom has been there mostly for moral support, since she knew both Tsuru and Tsukiko."

"I see. . ." Yuri drank some tea as well, the worry in her eyes lingering. "I truly hope she recovers eventually."

Naoki nodded, though the grim truth of what was about to go down at the hospital clung to him nonetheless. "Yes, I really hope she does," was all he could echo as he took another sip of cocoa. As he remembered in his mind that sad, sad day, he also remembered what else had transpired on his end then. As Yuri looked away for a moment, he gazed upon her left forearm, remembering the first time he had seen those red stains on her sleeve.

"That day when we visited her," he said, "that was also the day when . . . when . . ."

Yuri looked back at him, noticing his reluctance. "When . . . ?"

Naoki opened his mouth to continue, but this time the words simply would not come out. With Yuri staring at him from across the table, still recovering from her relapse weeks ago, he wondered if it was a good idea to mention how his instinct back then had driven him to guess—correctly, as he later found out—that Yuri was involved in self-harm with her knife collection. The fear and dread of another relapse always lurked in the shadows, and the last thing Naoki wanted was to cause Yuri enough stress or anxiety to send her on another downward spiral.

Yuri looked down, her face resigned all of a sudden. "I-It's about me, isn't it?"

Startled, Naoki felt a jolt course through his body. "W-What made you think so?" he asked tentatively.

"That was around the same time when I . . . w-when I did it again," Yuri replied. She smiled a little, though it did nothing to offset the other emotions evident on her features. "You must have g-guessed already by then that something was w-wrong with me, right?"

Naoki hesitated again. "I . . ."

Yuri leaned towards him over the table. "Naoki, it's okay. Y-You already know, right? It's fine. I just w-want to find out if . . . if something crossed y-your mind already back then."

As she stared straight into his eyes, Naoki saw a twinge of determination in Yuri's gaze now, as if she was determined to hear the truth from him regardless of how it might affect her. In his mind, he began rifling through the myriad of ways he could deliver his reply without saying too much or too little, drawing some reassurance from the fact that, like Yuri had said, there was little to hide now that Naoki knew a good deal about the kind of things she did.

He heaved a sigh, leaning towards her as well. "To be honest . . . yes, I did hazard a guess then," he muttered.

Yuri looked away again for a moment, digesting his words in silence. Feeling compelled to keep going now that he had chosen to answer, Naoki added, "It was a guess that I pieced together from . . . from the things I noticed about you, especially during that week. The stress was a given, since it was exam week and we were all on edge in some way, but . . . it just crossed my mind, you know? After what happened to Tsuru, and what Mom and I talked about in the car, it just sort of clicked."

"I see." Yuri let out a sigh of her own, her gaze returning upon him. "W-What did you do afterwards?"

"I began to read online about it. Articles and stories about self-harm and depression, about how you cope with them, the lot. That way, if I was . . . if I was right and all, at least I'd have an idea on what to do or say. I didn't know too much about it, and I wanted to see more for myself instead of just going by my guesses. But I had my doubts too. Like maybe I was just overthinking, that the things I saw were just simple coincidences, and that I was seeing something that wasn't really there. And to make all those assumptions and try to figure out something without even talking to you first, or approach you with my thoughts and turning out wrong in the end, I didn't want to risk it. The worry is what got to me, though. I saw how you were having a lot of difficulty throughout the week, and we weren't able to talk much as a result. I just wanted things to start being better again, especially for you. That's why I was happy that I managed to talk to you again eventually. But those guesses that I had, they stayed in my mind all the while, and though I didn't say or do anything about them, I kept brushing up on them.

"I think the clincher was when I saw those red stains on your sleeve," he went on, "when I visited you that one time out of nowhere. It was also at that moment when I didn't want to believe it, because it just felt terrible to make that final assumption on your behalf. But naturally, there was no other way for me to know other than asking you straightaway, and I knew that wasn't a good option. Even now, with me sharing all this with you right now, it still feels wrong. Like I'm forcing you to listen to how I had been figuring things out. It's . . ."

At that, however, Naoki felt like he had said enough. He drank some more cocoa and looked away for a moment, sighing. Across him, Yuri seemed like a statue, listening intently all the while. Naoki wanted to look into her face, to repeat what he had always been telling her about being there to help and listen and all, to give her hope about fighting her relapses and combating her anxiety in healthier ways, but with his confession it felt as if he had kept something from her against her will, and it made him second-guess anything else he wanted to say.

Silently, Yuri sipped some of her tea and set her cup down. When she still did not say anything about what he had just explained, Naoki dared to look at her again. Her face still bore that same resigned look, a mixture of pain and shame and embarrassment all at the same time, as if she had just been told what a dreadful person she was. Or at least, that was what Naoki sensed she would think.

"I had a feeling that you a-already knew then," said Yuri. "When I showed you my knife collection, I was wondering if you'd catch up somehow. A-And when you saw those bloodstains on my sleeve, I don't think I helped my case by panicking." She laughed a little, the sound of it momentarily belying the heaviness of their discussion, but the way her hand dug into the table's covers gave away her inner turmoil. "But the way you reacted, when you chose to look for a way to help me by reading about anxiety and self-harm . . . it's something I never expected, from you or anyone else. It makes me happy that y-you would take the initiative to help me instead of outright shunning me, but it also makes me feel embarrassed at m-myself. I know that what I'm doing is wrong a-and horrible and all, but I never dared to look up on what I could do to fight it, in the way you did. I just relied on reading and writing, and on other things like drinking tea and doing chores at home and engaging in aromatherapy. I was terrified of just sitting down and confronting myself about it directly, b-because I didn't feel like I deserved it, y-you know? As someone who's so broken and dirty, I couldn't p-possibly fix myself.

"When I'd heard about your mother's friend, about her suicide attempt and all . . . it made me think of how far I might go, or if I would end up doing something like . . . like t-that. I'm not saying that I would end up trying to . . . y-you know. But I'm just thinking that if I continue to be like this, to have relapses when I can't keep m-myself in check, I might end up hating myself to the point where I just w-want it to end. And I'm t-terrified of that."

Yuri turned away again, seemingly on the verge of tears. "I want to fix myself, N-Naoki," she said, her voice barely audible but still shaking with emotion. "But can I, still? After all this time, all I've done, do I still even d-deserve it?"

Steeling his resolve, Naoki reached out and grasped her left hand, which now lay limp on the table. Yuri looked at him helplessly. Against his touch, her fingers were surprisingly cold.

"You do deserve it, Yuri," he told her. "And so does everyone else who goes through something like this."

Yuri did not say anything as she bit her lip, her hand trembling against his. With her free hand, she reached for her left forearm, caressing the spot where her scars were. She breathed raggedly for a moment, as if resisting the urge to cry. Naoki felt for her, wishing that he could just say or do something that could instantly make her problems go away, but all he could do right now was to caress her hand comfortingly.

After a few more seconds of this, he made to let go to give her some space, but all of a sudden, Yuri clasped his hand tightly before he could draw away. Caught by surprise, Naoki stopped in his tracks, and as he looked upon her face he saw a whole new emotion dawning on her conflicted features—hope. Her lavender eyes gleamed as she held back her tears, and the corners of her mouth crinkled with a fleeting attempt at another smile. From the way she was now clutching his hand, Naoki knew that she was clinging onto him in the same way figuratively, emotionally. It was a responsibility that had crossed his mind before only sparingly, and never had he felt it so palpably as he did now. Still, he smiled back at Yuri, free of any regret, looking towards the future with that same spark of hope that she desperately wanted to ignite.

By the time they left the café, the city was already easing into the evening with its array of dazzling lights and mishmash of noises. Next to him, Yuri was rubbing her hands again to keep warm. "A-Are you going home now?" she asked.

"Yeah," Naoki replied, tightening his blazer around himself to ward off the cold. "Mom might be staying a bit longer at the hospital, so I don't know what time she'll be going home. Maybe I'll send her a text before I go."

"I see. I hope she's doing okay at the hospital," said Yuri. "Anyway, I think I'll go on ahead. Grandmother might be wondering where I went off to if I stay out longer. . ."

"Oh, sure thing," said Naoki. "Take care on your way home, okay?"

"Y-You too."

But even as she said those words, Yuri did not immediately leave. She merely stood in front of him, looking worried all over again. Naoki tilted his head curiously, wondering if she was about to say something else. But before he could speak, she walked over to him and embraced him snugly, her head nuzzling against him, her face partly buried on his shoulder. Naoki stood dumbfounded for a few moments, caught off guard as he was by the sudden embrace and feeling conscious at the people who were passing by. Given that their physical interactions consisted mostly of hand-holding, their first embrace at her room on the fateful day of her accidental revelation notwithstanding, it was something that Naoki did not expect. But soon, he responded in kind as he hugged Yuri back, feeling her warmth as she leaned into him. The urbane setting, compounded with what had transpired all day, made the whole setting feel like something out of a romantic movie, and Naoki knew it would take some getting used to.

In the end, even though the tightness of her embrace had indicated otherwise, Yuri did have to go, though not without a few glances back at him as she went, her face brilliantly pink from her own daring. As he waved goodbye, Naoki knew his own face was also flushed, its heat fighting the evening's chill around him. Nevertheless, a moment of sudden closeness that risked the two of them getting stared at in public was nothing if it meant giving Yuri the comfort and hope she needed to look forward with hope.

When Yuri finally vanished from sight, Naoki took his cellphone out of his pocket, intending to send his mother a text. He saw, however, that she was already ahead of him, and the message she had sent brought everything else to a standstill.

"they're pulling the plug tonight. will be home by 10 at most. don't wait up for me."

Without a reply, Naoki put his phone away and stared out onto the street, mulling over everything in silence. Like the cars that passed by in front of him, life simply moved on, he mused. Still, he found himself choosing to hope all the same, knowing that sometimes it was all one could do as life went. He whispered a silent prayer for Tsuru Kobayashi and began the long walk home.

A/N: My apologies for another delay. With the lockdown in effect here, I had to lend my laptop for a while for my sister to use as she works from home, interrupting my progress for this chapter since I had no other way to write. As such, I dunno if there'll be another time when I would need to lend her my laptop again and hence delay another chapter, but as of now it's all good. In case it does happen, I'll take a short break of a couple of days and begin writing the new chapter right after, just to get a good headstart.

Once again, with all that has been happening lately, I hope you guys are doing well wherever you are. Please take care of yourselves, and stay safe.