Duran-kun and Kiyo-chan's Omake Theater

(featuring the Kuga-Fujino and Yuuki family pets, albeit only by reference)

~X X X~

A/N: Since it's Black Friday, the traditional beginning of the "official" Christmas shopping season here in the U.S., I thought it would be a good day for a Christmas shopping story!

~X X X~

"Ah, hell, someone stepped on my hem."

If Natsuki Kuga was surprised to hear a novice nun cursing, it didn't show. Then again, it was Nao. She'd probably have been more surprising with a sweetness-and-light act.

"Why on Earth did you wear your habit to go Christmas shopping, anyway?"

"Camouflage. On the one hand, I figure people will be less likely to get into a brawl with a nun over some trinket, and if they don't respect the cloth then they probably will only remember the outfit and not my face. That's handy for when they try to file charges later."

"I'm sorry I asked."

"A better question is, why am I here at all? Last year you dragged me along and I ended up taking out somebody's grandma."

"Hey, I paid you back by being part of your little striptease Santa show."

"Oh, please, you only did that because your psycho girlfriend likes to see you in sexy costumes, and anyway, your dog raised more donations than you did. There's no way that makes us even."

"No, it makes you owe me, because beating up old ladies is probably one of your hobbies."

"Hey, I only beat up pervert guys as a hobby. And they deserve it anyway; what kind of freak wants to hit up a nun for compensated dating?"

"I'm sorry I asked. Again."

Nao snorted.

"Face it, Kuga, all that domestic bliss has made you go soft."

"I am not soft!" the biker yelped, affronted.

"Oh, no?" Nao poked her in the side below the ribs. "You sure that's not a love handle forming from all that home cooking?"

"I haven't gained an ounce all year!" Actually, she'd lost two pounds, probably because Shizuru's cooking tended to be much healthier fare than Natsuki had been eating on her own.

"Hmm, so Fujino's been finding ways to work it off you, has she?" Nao said, throwing in a suggestive eyebrow-wiggle just in case Natsuki somehow missed the implication. "Ah, the passions of youth."

"You know, if I pushed you down that escalator, it would probably clear a path for me straight to the housewares section."

Threats did not faze Nao. In fact, this one just gave her more ammunition.

"Housewares? You're buying a gift for your girlfriend on the year's second-biggest romantic holiday, and you're looking at the bathroom fixtures and crock-pots? That's like one step away from being some dumb American husband buying his wife a set of socket wrenches."

Natsuki would have loved a set of new socket wrenches to help with her bike maintenance, but figured mentioning that wasn't likely to help her cause.

"What do you know about dumb American husbands, anyway?"

Nao shrugged.

"Alyssa was talking with Miyu about her parents. Now look, you can do one of two things for this holiday. Either you can get Fujino something sappy and mushy to tell her how much you love her and enjoy living with her and want to be by her side for the rest of the future and other stuff that makes me want to reach for the insulin, or..."

"Or?" I like or, Natsuki thought. She was a lot better at romance than she'd been a year and a half ago, but "lovey-dovey" still wasn't her strong suit.

"Or you give her something that tells her how much you want to pin her to the nearest flat surface and deck her hall." She glanced at a display. "Gingerbread-flavored body oil? Somebody's got way too much time on their hands."

"Dammit, Nao!" Natsuki yelped, face flushing.

"What, you seriously think I'm going to waste time beating around the bush with you? Love, sex, or both, that's what it's about. Unless her family's Christian or something and you're all getting together?"

"No, nothing like that. Her grandmother was going to come up to Fuuka to visit her last year, but she sprained a knee and figured it was smarter to go back to Kyoto for rehab."

"And you got those knitted red-and-green rifle warmers for Duran already, so that takes care of the Santa Claus stuff." Nao broke off giving advice long enough to snicker.

"Hey, he gets cold in the winter. Do you know what the heat transfer coefficient of metal is? Besides, I saw you grab that sewing kit for Julia."

"You weren't supposed to see that," Nao hissed.

"If I were you, I'd be more worried about the security cameras seeing that."

"...Damned commandments," Nao muttered, shifting her now-going-to-be-a-purchase out from under her habit.

"And they wonder why I'm not a Christian," Natsuki murmured. In all fairness, she didn't really think Fuuka Academy's chapel was following any recognized religious doctrine. Given that the former priest had been a robotics engineer sent as a spy, the previous nun had ended up getting married while several months pregnant, and the current novices were a combat android and, well, Nao...one could conclude that things were just a little off.

Focus, Kuga, she told herself. She was here to get a gift for Shizuru, not score verbal points off of Nao.

"Hey, how about that bath set down there? Bubbles, soap, body powder, scented candles, the works. That's romantic, right?"

"Hm...okay, that'll work," Nao gave her a serious answer, maybe because she knew Natsuki would shamelessly pass the buck if Nao gave her bad advice and Shizuru got mad. "Are you going with rose or lilac?"

"Aw, crap, I don't know. Shizuru likes purple a lot more than red, but red's a Christmas color and roses are more romantic."

"Okay, then it's lilac."

"Huh, why?"

"That lady just grabbed the last rose one."

"Dammit!"

Natsuki didn't stop to think. She just sprang towards the top of the barricade and vaulted over, dropping through the air. Her boots hit the escalator's handrail and she pushed off, changing direction in midair, twisting to angle her body to slice between two very surprised shoppers, then took two quick steps forward, reaching out with her right hand, and snatched the very last bath set up off the shelf. She raised it triumphantly, looking up at the redhead.

"Nao, I got—" Natsuki started to call, until two hands clamped onto the box and ripped it out of her grip. "Hey!"

She whirled towards the thief. A middle-aged woman with the build of a sumo wrestler sneered back at her.

Natsuki head-butted her right in the sneer.

Yowling, the woman reeled. Her grip slackened and Natsuki snatched the box back, whirling in one smooth motion to hurl it in a high, arching path. She saw Nao's hands reach out over the barricade towards it—

—and then the roaring elephant hit her and she didn't see much of anything beyond the sea of bodies for a while.

~X X X~

"All right, so that's one wallet, one key ring, one cell phone, and one box of mayo-flavored pretzel snacks. Sign here," the desk cop said, pushing the receipt over at Natsuki.

"I still can't believe that I had to come down here and bail you out. How could you end up in jail from going out Christmas shopping, Natsuki!?"

"Well, I was with Nao, so jail is always a possibility," Natsuki said while scooping up her possessions.

Mai planted her hands on her hips, foot tapping.

"There was a brawl on the sale room floor."

"A brawl?"

"Hey, shopping for your loved ones is serious business!"

"How are you supposed to celebrate Christmas if you're under arrest? You said you called me because you didn't want Shizuru to know about this, but I think she'll figure it out when you don't come home one day because you're serving your sentence!"

Natsuki rolled her eyes.

"Chill out, Mai. They said they're just going to ticket everyone involved for disorderly conduct, except that one guy who threw a display rack." She whisked through her phone menu.

"Shizuru is still going to figure out that something happened, Natsuki. That black eye and the way you're limping around are pretty big hints...and why are you grinning all of a sudden?"

Natsuki held up her phone, displaying the mail message she'd found waiting.

"'If the cops let you out, get your ass over here to the chapel and pick up your thing before all the lovey-dovey nonsense makes Miyu blow a fuse.' What's that about?"

"That, Mai, means that all the rest of it, the fines, the injury, the embarrassment, the hanging out with Nao..."

"Yes?"

Natsuki smiled like a cat who'd figured out how to open birdcages.

"Totally worth it."

~X X X~

A/N: Readers interested in Natsuki's previous Christmas experiences referenced herein can check out Chapter 38, "Yes, That's How They Do It in America," as well as Chapter 51, "She Outnumbers You All By Herself." And here's hoping that all of you readers have the happy winter holiday of your choice. Or holidays, 'cause as Nao would say, it's always a good idea to respect the seasonal traditions of other cultures because it gives you more opportunities to get loot!

~X X X~

Nao shoved the package at her.

"Here. Take it. And next year, Kuga..."

"Yeah?"

"Just do your shopping online!"