CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR – UNWITTING REVELATIONS
Walking along the downtown streets of Eishima, Akihiro felt too preoccupied with the debate in his mind to even care about the rain continuing to spatter against his raincoat. Granted, it was an impractical prospect considering the weather's current state and how it could possibly impact his health, but having it simmer for days on end in his mind now, he decided that it was time to finally make a choice. Going for days without Sayori's company had undoubtedly played a part, piling up on his longing until he could feel himself grow bold enough to address it. I've done this before, he told himself firmly. I did. Sayori was over the moon for it. She would love it. Where surprises were concerned, Sayori would no doubt be petulant at the fact that he would be going through such lengths just to make her happy, but it was better than taking the slow road by talking to her beforehand about it—or making her wait and possibly making her feel even lonelier or sadder.
As if to confirm something, he stopped to take shelter under a clothing store's canopy and took out his wallet from inside his covered backpack. After a few silent seconds, he nodded to himself. Plenty enough, he mused, counting the bills by sight and budgeting on the fly. Worse days would see him reprimand himself for even the mere idea of spending extra this early in the month, but things were starting to take a surprisingly good turn with his idea of selling his game accounts for money, giving him hope for the upcoming Christmas break. Knowing of his intention to sell, a friend had offered to be the middleman between him and his cousin's friends who were looking for game accounts in Huntsman's Dusk and Arclight, with a starting price of three thousand yen per account. A quick tally at home told Akihiro that he had five possible accounts that he could sell. After a lengthy exchange, he had secured deals for three of them and seemed close to negotiating a deal for the last two, opening the doors toward a nice payout and helping him breathe a little more easily where his allowance was concerned. Akihiro made another mental note to keep the money someplace safe once it came in a week or so from now, intending to make good on his plans to treat Sayori on a few dates during their upcoming Christmas break.
Of course, that did not mean that he was unable to take her on a date of sorts now. Going back out on the rain-battered sidewalk, Akihiro felt even more confident in his current plan. The weather had threatened to derail everything as it continued to fall over Eishima, but that simply allowed him to take another path by visiting Sayori at her place instead of asking her to go somewhere else. Just like that week long ago, the same week when he and Sayori had decided to become a couple, he would surprise her by arriving at her apartment with food in tow, and spend the better part of the evening there with her. It even mirrored the time she had been the one to surprise him at his own place.
The night market had already stirred to vibrant life when he arrived, defiant even against the enduring rain. Clusters of umbrellas walked around the covered food stalls like roving mushrooms, with some people looking to warm themselves up with some hot food or drinks on their way home. Akihiro scouted the stalls as he passed, trying to decide what kind of food Sayori would appreciate in this weather. A hearty helping of ramen was the first obvious choice, and soon he found himself getting in line at a stall to order two bowlfuls for takeout. Some moment of deliberation soon had him craving for korokke and takoyaki, deciding once again on Sayori's behalf. Though Akihiro wanted to indulge her with more, he held back for now, having no intention to overwhelm her with his surprise visit and make her feel bad instead of happy.
The sky was starting to darken even further when he reached the street where Sayori's place was, the pools of light cast by the street lamps on either side of the street beaten back by the combined darkness from both the evening and the rainclouds above. By then, the rain had beaten his arms into cold numbness, making his joints ache. Still, Akihiro pressed on determinedly, knowing that everything will be fine once he reached the apartment. A feeling of excitement welled up in him with each step he took, bringing him back to that joyous weekend Sayori had spent over at his place, cooking breakfast with him and arguing against the idea of him sleeping on the floor in his own unit. It also brought back memories of her crying and feeling melancholic that night, though that only served to make him more resolute about his choice now to make her happy again.
Five more minutes later, he was finally at the apartment's gates. Akihiro quickly took shelter inside and began to dry himself, grateful that his raincoat had endured sufficiently for his trek in the rain. His feet were left worse for wear, though thankfully he had the sense to take off his leather shoes and replace them with his P.E. sneakers earlier before leaving school. When he felt that he had dried himself off enough, he went up the stairs, passing by the caretaker's post without much trouble; recognizing him from his previous visits, the elderly man simply let him pass by with a smile and a few cordial words.
When he was finally in front of Sayori's door, Akihiro recalled the time at the festival when he had rushed over to see if she was alright, and all of a sudden he felt nervous. After a few seconds of contemplation, he shook his head to ward off his doubts. Relax. You've done this before. With a nod to himself, he knocked smartly on the door.
"Sayori?" he called out after a brief pause. "It's Akihiro."
Almost immediately, he heard a mad scramble inside the apartment unit. Akihiro felt relieved now and a little amused as he listened in, imagining Sayori trying to clean up whatever mess there was in her unit, hastened along by his sudden arrival and the notion that he might end up waiting too long for her to answer. But on the other side of his mind, he also prayed that she was doing just fine.
The door opened a couple of inches, and Sayori soon peeked out from behind it. She was still wearing her white school blouse with her tie draped loosely around her neck, though her skirt was now replaced by one of her favorite blue shorts—still a more welcome sight than the disheveled state he had found her in during festival week. Her eyes were wide with shock, and her cheeks were turning pink.
"A-Akihiro! What're you doing here?!" she stammered.
Grateful that she was more startled than sad, Akihiro smiled as he produced the plastic bag of food from where he had been keeping it under his raincoat. "You hungry?"
Sayori could only stare for a moment, her eyes shifting between him and the food. As she opened the door, her face scrunched up with the petulance he had been anticipating. "You're doing this to pay me back for last time, aren't you?" she insisted. "You know you shouldn't have!"
Akihiro laughed apologetically. "Hey, I couldn't help it. I passed by the food stalls at the night market on my way home, and you're the first person who popped up in my head when I saw all that food."
Sayori pouted. "I-If you're gonna make fun of me for that, you should just go on home instead."
"Well, if you say so," said Akihiro with a joking shrug. As he turned away, he looked inside the bag and let the smell of the food wash over him. "I guess I'll just eat all this by myself for dinner tonight. I mean, I don't mind. Everything in here's just plain mouthwatering, with the pork slices in the ramen, and then the gooey cheese in the korokke, and the chewy octopus bits in the takoyaki that's just drenched in the sau—"
"Okay, okay, you don't have to tempt me like that, meanie!" Sayori cried out, glowering at him some more. "I'm just worried for your allowance, okay? What if you starve because of me?"
"I won't, don't worry," Akihiro assured her. "If I knew I would come up short, I wouldn't have bothered buying anything, right?"
Sayori bit her lip, concern still evident on her features. "W-Well . . . I guess you're right about that. . ." she acknowledged.
"There you go," said Akihiro lightly. "Anyway, can I come in now? I'm freezing out here."
"Oh, r-right!"
With that, Sayori stood aside to let him pass. Going inside the unit, Akihiro placed the food on the nearby dining table and took off his raincoat, draping it over one of the chairs there. He looked around as Sayori quickly began picking up her discarded school clothes off the floor next to her bed, intent on making everything as spic and span as she could. Her laptop sat open on her bed, its screen shining brightly. On the nearby windowsill, her beloved stuffed animals stood watch over her room, with the illustrious Mr. Cow taking up some space right next to her bed like a guardian that stood watch against nighttime monsters. Thus far, nothing looked out of the ordinary for Akihiro this time, telling him that there was nothing bothering Sayori at least for today. The thought made him feel thankful, and more relieved that his surprise visit seemed to catch Sayori in a better state compared to before.
"Sorry for the mess," Sayori called out as she stowed away her clothes haphazardly in her dresser. "I was busy looking up stuff on my laptop when I heard you knocking. If I knew you were coming over, I would've cleaned up sooner."
"Nah, no worries about that," said Akihiro. "What were you doing before I got here?"
"I was just listening to some music on my laptop," replied Sayori. "I wanted to get dressed first, but I got a bit lazy," she added with an apologetic giggle.
Akihiro shook his head amusedly. "Same old Sayori," he remarked. "Well, if you're up to it, maybe we can watch a movie or something later on your laptop, how's that?"
"Yeah, t-that'd be great!" Sayori replied, both nervous and elated.
"Good," said Akihiro. "Do you wanna eat now, though? Or just later when we watch?"
Sayori looked over at him. "Well, to be honest, I'm a bit hungry right now . . ."
Akihiro grinned. "Alright, dinner before the show, then. Anyway, it's been a while since we did something like this, huh?"
"I know," said Sayori with a sad smile. "I'm sorry, I'm just not in the right headspace nowadays. . ."
"Hey, it's okay." Akihiro walked over to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I really missed you, y'know?"
Sayori let out a sigh as she closed her dresser. "Same here. It's stupid, really. I mean, I know we can just meet again and all, but I just end up spacing out and forgetting with all the stuff I'm thinking of, a-and—"
"No, no. It's fine, Sayori. It happens," Akihiro told her comfortingly. "I just wish I'd done this sooner. Didn't wanna catch you off guard and make you feel bad because you might think I'm overspending for you again."
"A-Are you sure you're not?" Sayori insisted.
"Yes, I'm totes sure," replied Akihiro. As much as he wanted to rib her in good humor for the times she had coaxed him before into buying snacks for her, he did not want to make her feel any more self-conscious than she already was. "And if I do spend for you, I'm always sure it's gonna be worth it."
Sayori shot him a look. "Why is that?"
"Because it always means I get to spend time with you," Akihiro stated.
The flush on Sayori's face returned. She opened her mouth to speak, but seemed unable to say anything else. To reassure her further, Akihiro moved in closer and gave her a warm hug, basking in her fragrance as he wrapped his arms around her. Thankfully, Sayori responded in kind as she clung onto him tightly. He let her stay there for a while, giving her all the physical comfort he could in case she needed more reassurance.
After a while, he chuckled. "Alright, alright, I think we better start eating before the food gets cold. That ramen should taste really great with the weather like this."
Sayori managed to let out a shaky giggle, like she was already close to tears. "Yeah, you're right," she said as she broke away from him. Akihiro ruffled her hair affectionately before turning back to the table to prepare their food.
In no time at all, the absence and silence they had been enduring in the past few days dissipated in the air as they settled down to eat. Sayori immediately went for the korokke, her excitement belying her prior reluctance as she nibbled hungrily, pulling strings of melted cheese from the deep-fried potato and giggling as they stretched out. Akihiro, meanwhile, enjoyed the ramen more than he had expected, with the pork slices he had mentioned earlier giving the dish a welcome taste of home that offered just the right amount of relief and comfort against the rainy weather outside. But if there was anything Akihiro enjoyed more than that, it was the sight of Sayori's smiling face as she slowly eased back into the groove he knew of her. Soon, hope welled up in him of better days ahead, regardless of how rainy they may become, and even with the exams drawing ever closer.
"I feel sorry for Moni," Sayori said as they continued to eat. "The exams aren't even here yet, but she's already so stressed out. She keeps trying to put on a brave face, but it's obvious that she needs a break."
"This is about that competition she's joining, right?" asked Akihiro.
"Yep. It's pretty scary, to be honest. To represent the school like that against other schools across the country? And then with the exams coming and with Kenta not around . . . I mean, no wonder Moni's starting to complain. If I were her, I think I would just break down at any minute."
"Let's just hope she comes out of this just fine," Akihiro remarked. "And I hope she and Kenta get some time together soon. The last time we were together, he didn't seem to be in a good spot too. School just blows sometimes."
Sayori nodded. "I wish I could be there more for her. And for everyone else, e-especially you," she said. "I'm sorry for staying away all the time. . ."
"Hey, it's alright, I understand," Akihiro told her. "I just . . . get worried about you sometimes, especially after all that's happened since festival week."
Her cerulean eyes tinged with melancholy, Sayori heaved a sigh. "Sorry. A lot of things have just been running in my mind for a long time now. Stressful stuff almost all the time. And that little issue with my rent and allowance didn't exactly help things."
"Well, that issue's been dealt with, don't worry," said Akihiro. "Things may start looking up from here, and you'll be back in shape in no time."
"Yeah, I hope so too," said Sayori quietly. Looking away, she bowed her head and continued eating her ramen in silence. Still determined to ease her gloom in whatever way he could, Akihiro was momentarily seized with the urge to come clean about his plans for her on Christmas break, if only to give her something exciting and joyous to look forward to. However, at that moment, the two of them were interrupted by a knock on the unit's door.
Sayori looked up, startled all over again. She glanced over at him, but Akihiro could only shrug in response, clueless as to who was knocking. "Who is it?" she called out.
"Caretaker, Miss Matsuzaki," a male voice called out.
"Oh, I'll be right there!" With that, Sayori set down her food, stood up and made her way to the door. Akihiro watched as she opened the door a few inches, revealing the face of the apartment's elderly caretaker.
"I apologize for disturbing you and your friend, Miss Matsuzaki," Akihiro heard him say, "but the landlord is calling for you."
"Ah, I see." Sayori sounded nervous all of a sudden. While Akihiro initially thought none of it, a hint of realization dawned on him as he remembered her near-mishap with her rent. He looked over at her just in time to see her glancing worriedly over her shoulder at him.
"E-Excuse me, Akihiro. I'll be right back!" she said with a nervous smile. "You can use the laptop if you want!"
"Oh, that's okay. Take your time!" Akihiro said in return, but by then Sayori had already left her unit, closing the door behind her. Left alone in the room now, he looked around for a moment as he chewed his food. As he contemplated on what to do, his eyes fell on Sayori's laptop still sitting on the bed. After thinking for a moment, he shrugged. Eh, might as well find something nice to watch for us later. Maybe I can check on the Arclight forum too. Swallowing his mouthful of korokke, he stood up and went over to it. The evening was young, but with how things were going, he willed himself to make every minute of it count.
As she went down the stairs to unit A-16, Sayori could feel her mind straining to imagine what scenario was waiting for her. Had her mother found out about her screw-up in some way, along with the fact that Monika had given her the money to make up for it? Or maybe the landlord found out through the bank transaction Moni did, and now he's gonna tell Mom about it. Sayori felt her resolve starting to crumble. After her ordeal throughout the morning, not to mention the sobering but profound exchange she had with Tsukiko Kobayashi, she felt unable to deal with any more emotional stress. The fact that she had been reading once again stories and accounts related to depression and anxiety online, spurred on by the encounter outside B-34 as a strange way of seeking closure and comfort, did not help her one bit.
The landlord looked up from his small desk as she went inside A-16, and sat up straighter when he saw her. Already in his late forties, with a lined face and short black hair that was already tinged with hints of white, he reminded Sayori of her father in more ways than one.
"Oh, Miss Matsuzaki. Thank you for dropping in as soon as you could," he said.
Sayori swallowed anxiously as she wrung her hands together, her fingers aching. "Is there s-something you needed, sir?" she asked.
Taking off his thick-rimmed eyeglasses, the landlord nodded. "I just wanted to extend an invitation."
Expecting a proverbial bombshell to drop, Sayori looked up with surprise. "I-Invitation?"
"Yes." Leaning forward with his elbows on the desk, the landlord smiled. "With Christmas coming, Izumi and I figured that it'd be a nice time—and probably a long time coming—to have a little something for the holidays. A potluck dinner, to be exact. A bit on the rural side, I know, but as someone who grew up in the countryside, an affair like this one is a nice way to help people get together, share a sense of solidarity with everyone, that kind of thing."
As she listened more and more to his words, Sayori felt her anxiousness ebb away, replaced now with a sense of relief and even polite interest. "A potluck dinner?" she repeated. "You mean with the other tenants, sir?"
"Yes, exactly," said the landlord. "Some of the tenants here—including you—are spending the holidays alone, with your families nowhere in Eishima, right? At least with a small little affair like this one, we'd be able to make this Christmas a little better, so to speak. Besides, I don't want to speak to you all just to remind you about rent dues or things that need fixing. We may be a little strict on the rent sometimes, but we're still human beings," he added with a small laugh. But his mirth faded quickly as the expression on his face turned a little somber. "To be honest, after that incident with Miss Kobayashi some months ago, Izumi and I thought that we should've been doing something like this a lot sooner. Help everyone feel more at home and less . . . alone, you know? Because you'd never know when some people would need it."
"Yes, I understand, sir," said Sayori, remembering with sadness her earlier encounter with Tsukiko Kobayashi.
"Now, I know this isn't the kind of thing teenagers like you enjoy, but we don't want you to think that we wouldn't invite you regardless," said the landlord. "Some of the other tenants already said yes to this—in fact, Mrs. Sakamoto from A-23 insists on making it a three-night affair to really make things festive! Regardless of how long it'll be, what's going to happen is we'll all chip in with meals of our own, and share with each other. You're not obligated to bring anything, of course—we just want you to know that you're invited all the same."
Uplifted by the feeling of relief that washed over her as she realized that she had simply been overthinking about why she had been called downstairs, Sayori managed to smile cordially back. "Thank you, sir. I appreciate the invite. W-We might be busy with our upcoming exams in a couple of weeks, but maybe I can come over if I'm not doing anything else."
Her landlord smiled back. "Good to hear that. Izumi wants to have it in a couple of weeks, just before the holidays really kick in and start keeping everyone busy. I'll start informing everyone else about it tomorrow."
After some final pleasantries, Sayori took her leave and left A-16, her relief fueling her excitement as she rushed up the stairs back to her own unit. It was a truly heartening feeling to see how things were starting to go well after such a heavy day, almost as if the universe had decided that she had endured enough problems already for this time and was now going to slowly open the doors to more positive instances. At long last, Sayori felt like she could face the rest of the coming evening with more optimism than before, like it was all an indication of better days to come.
"I'm back!" she called out happily as soon as she entered her unit. Akihiro was sitting cross-legged on her bed, and he scrambled to put down her laptop, which he seemed to have been perusing only moments earlier.
"H-Hey there!" he said, clearing his throat. "So what happened?"
Sayori took note of his sudden nervousness. "What were you doing?" she asked cheekily. "Were you up to something bad?"
"No, o-of course not! I was just looking for stuff we can watch, and I ended up browsing some game forums," said Akihiro with a shaky laugh. "You startled me when you arrived."
Sayori laughed. "Sorry about that. Anyway, the landlord just wanted to give me an invitation to this dinner he and his wife were planning for the apartment in a week or two. He's inviting all the tenants."
"Oh, that's nice," said Akihiro as he stood up and went back to his own seat at the table. "For a moment there, I thought you got into some sort of trouble."
"Tell me about it," Sayori remarked. "If that was the case, I don't know how I would react, to be honest."
Akihiro laughed. "Maybe he invited you because he knew just how much of a food lover you are," he joked.
"Very funny, meanie."
"Hey, nothing wrong with that. That's still one of the cutest things about you, to be honest."
Sayori blushed. "Y-You really think so? You're not just saying it to make fun of me?"
"Honest," said Akihiro, giving her a softer smile. "And speaking of eating, our food's getting cold. Time to keep eating, don't you think?"
"Oh, right!"
The rain quieted down outside, though it continued to spatter against the windows of Sayori's apartment unit as the sky darkened into the early onset of evening. By then, the food was gone, but the joy remained as the two of them kept talking with one another, discussing their previous meaningful excursions as they began to watch funny videos together on her laptop. In particular, Akihiro reminisced with tender amusement about their day at the creek months ago, and laughed as he recalled the fall he took; Sayori still felt reproachful over the incident and how dangerous Akihiro's stunt had been, though she could not deny that everything else about it made it one of the best days of her life, alongside the ones that followed. Soon, their talk turned towards telltale plans for future meetups, and Akihiro appeared keen on making up for lost time as he put his arm around her, never letting her go all the while. Wishing to pay him back in kind for missing out on his company for quite a while, Sayori embraced him and nuzzled her head against his chest, feeling more hopeful than she had ever felt in days.
This is how things should always be, she told herself. And if I keep myself together, I'll be able to talk to him more often just like before, and we wouldn't have to stay apart. We could meet up again, and have fun and eat and just enjoy being together. The voices in her head would undoubtedly criticize her for even thinking about such thoughts, but Akihiro's presence and warmth forced them to stay at the fringes of her mind, where they could do little harm.
After a while, Akihiro asked her, "How are you doing?"
Sayori looked up at him. It was an odd thing to ask, considering how they have been together for the past hour expressing varying degrees of joy and contentment. "I'm just fine. Much, much better, all thanks to you," she replied.
Akihiro smiled. "I'm happy to hear that," he said quietly.
For some reason, the tone in his voice got to Sayori. "Is something wrong, Akihiro?"
When Akihiro did not immediately reply, Sayori zeroed in with a sense of anxiousness. "H-Hey, is something wrong?" she repeated. "Are you okay?"
Akihiro sighed. "Yeah, I'm fine," he replied. "Sitting here with you like this just made me remember that time when you slept over at my place, when you . . . when you were crying."
"O-Oh." Sayori faltered as she remembered that tearful night. "Yeah, I remember that too. But I felt better eventually, right? With your help, of course. You . . . You made sure that I didn't feel alone or hurt. You always do that."
"Yes. I just hope that I'm doing enough," said Akihiro quietly.
"You are!" Sayori straightened up and held onto both of his hands. "You have no idea how much you always do for me, Akihiro. I know I'm all over the place with my thoughts and feelings sometimes, which is why I often end up staying away. But when you do things like this, I always feel like I'm able to work on them a lot better. That alone means so much to me."
Akihiro looked at her, his pale green eyes laden with concern. "Okay, I understand. It's just that I really, really wish I could be here more often for you, Sayori," he said. "I know how hard it is for you to become lonely when I'm not around, so I just want you to know that . . . you can always talk to me, okay? I might've said it before, I'll say it again. You can invite me out to eat or have fun or whatever, and I'll do my best to be there. These kinds of surprise visits, and those dates we had back then, they don't have to be rare encounters. If you want to spend time with me, I'm always a text away. And if you feel down and out, I'll be the one to come to you."
Looks like you're going to be taking too much of his time all over again, said a voice in Sayori's head, but she brushed it fiercely aside and focused solely on Akihiro, on those green eyes that she knew so well. "I understand, Akihiro. And I really, really appreciate that. To tell you the truth, I wish I wasn't this messy with everything I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe if I just do something about it, I wouldn't be like this. B-But sometimes, I just don't know what I can do."
Akihiro tightened his grip on her hands in return. "You can talk to me, okay?"
Yes, talk to him so that you can bother him when he's doing something. Sayori exhaled shakily, trying hard to stave off such thoughts. Thankfully, Tsukiko Kobayashi's words came back to her, like a shot in the arm that would help revitalize her tenuous resolve. Life's too short. Take a chance, like you did when you told him how you felt.
She managed to give him a small but hopeful smile. "Yeah, I'll do that. And I'll do my best to make sure I don't forget it," she said, relieved that her voice was steadier now.
Akihiro grinned back. "That's my Sayori." He leaned in and hugged her tightly, the warmth of his body giving her every bit of comfort that it could lend. Sayori closed her eyes and savored the moment, wishing that there would only be better days to come. And with Christmas looming over the horizon, she hoped to draw enough optimism from everything and have something to look forward to.
When the time came for Akihiro to leave, Sayori felt regretful and wistful all over again. She watched as he donned his raincoat, nudged by a small instinct to follow him and sleep over at his apartment again, or invite him to spend the night at her unit instead. Knowing that both options were not viable, Sayori could only keep looking and thinking when their next good encounter would be.
Akihiro straightened up as he finished closing up his raincoat. "Well, I've gotta get going," he said. "Here's to hoping I don't drown on my way home with all this rain."
"Don't worry, I'll swim my way to you if that happens," Sayori told him.
"Even though you're bad at swimming?" Akihiro joked.
Sayori pouted and pinched his arm. "You don't have to remind me that, Mr. Better Swimmer. But I'll do it all the same if it means helping you."
Akihiro laughed, though his face turned a little pink at her words. "The same goes for you, Sayori. You know that, right?"
"Yes," said Sayori affectionately. She walked over to him and embraced him once more, ignoring the dampness that seeped through her clothes as she pressed herself against his raincoat. "Thanks for everything. It really helped me feel better."
"Hey, it's no big deal," said Akihiro, his head resting on her shoulder as he hugged her back just as tightly.
"Just promise me that the next time you'll do something like this, you're gonna text me first, okay?" Sayori told him. "I don't want you coming over if I'm somewhere else, or if I'm too busy with stuff. A-And don't even try it if you're short on money! I don't want you spending more than your allowance can take."
"Fine, fine," said Akihiro, chuckling. "And if you need me, just text me, okay? This wouldn't be too much of a problem if we were in the same class, but hey, you gotta make do."
Sayori smiled. "How I wish. . ." she muttered. When the two of them broke apart, it was the hardest thing in the world to let go.
"Do you wanna walk to school together for tomorrow?" Akihiro asked her. "I mean, it's been a while, don't you think?"
"I'd love to, but I dunno if I'll be able to wake up on time," Sayori replied sadly. "Y-You can go on without me. Maybe we'll just run into each other along the way, who knows?"
"Oh, that's okay. And I just realized, if it's still rainy tomorrow, walking to school together might not be a good idea," Akihiro mused, glancing at the nearby window. "We might end up getting drenched even if we have an umbrella to share. Anyway, we'll just see what happens. Whatever you do, no walking in the rain without an umbrella or a raincoat, okay?"
Sayori pouted at him. "That's my line, dummy."
"I know," said Akihiro with a laugh. "Just take care of yourself, okay? I'll see you at school or whenever."
"You too," said Sayori. "And try not to get a cold on the way home!"
"I won't," Akihiro assured her lightly, reaching out to give her shoulder a quick, gentle squeeze. And with that, he turned and left the apartment unit, leaving Sayori to long for the next surprise he might have in store.
The chill of the evening combining with the rainy weather cut straight to the bone, and with his raincoat providing little protection against it, Akihiro could feel his fingers growing numb and his arms aching from the cold when he arrived back at his own apartment fifteen minutes later. He knew that he needed to move quickly, to change out of his clothes and slip into a short, hot bath before he can come down with the cold and end up disappointing Sayori. But his footsteps seemed deadened as he stepped inside his apartment unit, as if he was simply being led on by an unseen force, his mind too preoccupied with what he had seen earlier at Sayori's place to think about anything else. For a moment, Akihiro wondered if he should be regretting ever using her laptop. Technology can be indirectly blunt, baring things that not many people would like to see, and there was no denying that what Akihiro had seen in Sayori's search history was enough to shed a newer, more somber light on her spells of sadness and doubt.
As he took off his school uniform and sluggishly prepared to take a bath, he found himself replaying the discovery over and over in his mind, like he was a detective rewinding and replaying a piece of crime footage in an attempt to look for answers. Naturally, Sayori would never have imagined that he or anyone else would browse through her laptop and inadvertently stumble across her search history like that, and it made him feel uncomfortable as he imagined that he must have unveiled something that was too private even for him to see. But the implications they had gripped at his heart relentlessly, exacerbating his concern for Sayori from mere apprehension about her bad days to growing dread about what exactly she might be feeling and thinking. The pages all shared the same motifs: depression, anxiety, stories of people who had gone through such ordeals or relatives who shared tales of their loved ones' demise.
The chronology he had perceived from the keywords was even more worrisome; from "stories of suicide" to "depression vs normal sadness" to "signs of depression." Akihiro could not remember Sayori ever telling him of the suicide incident in her apartment that Naoki had mentioned long ago to him, Kenta and Daisuke. He had never given it much afterthought, as it was simply swept up by the passing of days and forgotten since then. But after what he had discovered in Sayori's search history, the thought of it returned in full force, and he began piecing together things that he felt he did not want to know.
Is that why she feels like she's not worth my company? Why she thinks that she's just an annoyance? Or why she's so concerned about taking up too much of my time? Admittedly, Akihiro knew little about depression, but he knew enough to know how serious it could be, judging by the various bleak stories of suicide and other serious issues that it entailed. Unable to resist, he logged onto his own computer and did a quick search, leaving the tabs on as he went for a quick bath.
When he had finally gotten dressed up, he browsed through the results, coming across a few that he remembered as part of Sayori's search history from earlier. A growing feeling of heaviness welled up in him as he imagined seeing certain similarities between Sayori's behavior and the common symptoms of depression—thoughts of one's worthlessness, persistent feelings of emptiness or sadness, lack of focus, and frequent forgetfulness. Akihiro slumped in his seat, wondering how these symptoms manifested themselves during the times that Sayori kept her distance, and whether that made them worse. With a pang, he remembered all the times he had teased her in the past, and wondered if any such moments had hurt Sayori's feelings more than he would ever intend. That gave rise to other questions as well. How long has Sayori been experiencing things like that? How long has she coped with it without him, and in spite of his relationship with her? What else did he not know about his beloved childhood sweetheart that could explain in some way the reasons for her sad, lonely spells? And the most dreadful of all, what if their relationship was the catalyst for all this?
The stories on the pages he was browsing were somehow even drearier, with tales of loved ones who kept their plight a secret from those close to them, a similarity that Akihiro did not want to acknowledge out of fear and worry. They came from all walks of life, proving just how far-reaching mental illness can be. A student who practiced self-harm due to the emotional abuse he experienced at the hands of his own parents; a middle-aged woman who was plagued by sleeplessness, sadness and crippling lethargy after giving birth to her third child; a man who slipped into alcoholism and drug abuse when he was cheated on by his would-be fiancé. And the most painful ones of all were the actual suicides, their tales told only by their loved ones who wished to share their stories in order to remind the world of the horrors and pain of depression.
But as he kept reading through the posts and forums he found, he also began to see a few remarks from certain people, users and professionals alike, who posited about the problems of self-diagnosing regarding mental health issues such as depression. All of them echoed the same sentiments: to seek professional help instead of deciding on one's own whether or not depression is what they have. Some put forth the possibility of ignoring contributory health factors that require treatment when trying to identify one's own mental illness, while others mention the risks of self-diagnosing individuals being influenced to take their own drastic steps and treat their disorders on their own.
Maybe I'm just overthinking about it all, Akihiro told himself after a while, as if he was clinging onto that hope to ward off his growing fear. Maybe I'm the only one who's paranoid here, trying to help when I'm doing the opposite. But that, of course, did little to dispel the plausibility of the deeper, more serious roots of Sayori's plight, giving him that tiny speck of doubt and anxiety that was already keeping him on edge about the coming days. He sighed wearily, wondering how Sayori might be doing now that he was gone. As much as he wanted to go back and spend the night with her, he knew that his sudden, more serious concern would only make Sayori feel startled and even uncomfortable. To explain how he now had an idea of her ordeals may only worsen things.
In spite of all this, however, only one thing was certain for Akihiro. I should be there for her. No matter what, no matter how, I'll do my best to make sure Sayori doesn't feel worthless or depressed. Whatever Sayori was enduring and experiencing, if he would be able to help her with it, then he knew he would always be able to find a way. Staring at the open tabs before him, he prayed that he would be able to find the same kind of courage and optimism to keep going the same way he had done with his choice at the convenience store months ago.
A/N: I meant to have this finished and uploaded along with my DR fic update at the start of New Year as a gift for you guys, but alas, I lagged at the last few pages. So close. But still, I'm quite happy to have finished this a few days earlier than usual. So here you are! Since I have the next chapter's gist already in mind, I hope I'll be able to write it quickly as well, if circumstances are willing. See you 'til then!
(P.S. To the guest reader who mentioned that Akihiro should finally know what Sayori is actually going through, I was originally going to do this reveal maybe after two more chapters involving certain developments with Yuri's side of the story, but after seeing your review, you helped me change my mind. Thank you for that!)