What is reality? Is it something that we perceive? Not really. While there are some things that cannot be denied, we perceive the world differently. A schizophrenic person, for example, can see or hear things that someone "normal" can not. Or how a colorblind person can see the world around in a different lense. Not to mention the life experiences we all go through that changes our outlook in life. It has for me, at least. Throughout my life, I thought Heaven and Hell were just a fantasy we humans tried to cope with death. Yet here I am. Reading newspapers in the office of I.M.P., while Loona is lost in her cellphone as usual. Blitzo and the crew are doing their work back in the living world, which they call the human world since they were born here.
"Daniel?" I put down the papers to see Qwais opening the front door.
*Orange* "Oh! Hey man. How did you find me?" I get up and shake his hand. He gives me the bags we dropped the other day.
"I found these laying in the park. I recognized your scent and it led me here."
"Wow. That's not creepy at all. But thanks man! You're a lifesaver!" I look inside the contents and everything checks out. I place them on the floor.
"No problem. I was just passing by and thought might as well drop by. Also, I forgot to give you this." He pulls out a chocolate bar. "It's expired, but I know you wouldn't mind."
*Green* "One man's trash, is another's treasure." I grab the bar and examine it. The label is very faded. Not like it matters. I love chocolate!
"Hope you enjoy it. See you later." He leaves. Man. Makes you question what fucked up shit he did to be here. I could say the same for myself. I may not be an angel, but I sure as fuck don't belong in the same place with Ted Bundy and Hitler. "He's pretty hot, right Loona?" I face her. She quickly goes to her phone. "Don't think I didn't notice you checking him out."
"Fuck off. Mind your own business." She snarls, with a tint of a blush on her cheeks. How can I tell when she's a furry? You hang around with the bunch long enough to know.
*Yellow* "Hahaha! There's nothing to be ashamed of, woman. I can introduce you to him, if you like?" She doesn't respond, of course. "Here." I snap the bar in half and place it on the desk. I eat the other half in one gulp. "MMMMM! Sho gud!" It's like I'm in heaven! The smoothness of the silky chocolate just melts in my mouth! I sit back on the couch and read the newspapers.
Some time passes and I'm almost done reading. The politics in Hell are not so different from home. Makes sense. We carry our beliefs even in death. *Blue* Woah. My body feels cold all of a sudden. Huh? The words in the paper are rearranging all over the place...OH NO! I know what's happening!
*Red* "Loona! Don't eat the chocolate!" I try getting up, but trip on the floor.
"Daniel!? What's going on?" Loona is panicking. I force myself to stand. The walls are contracting and expanding, as if it was breathing. I use the desk as support. Loona is looking at me bewildering.
"Calm down. Do not panic. That chocolate had shrooms. We ate half of it, so it shouldn't be that intense." I say that, but the disorientation is intensifying! I grab the wrapping she didn't throw away. Now to locate the milligram…sixteen mg for the whole bar...We're so fucked.
Lights out
Loona: This is making things worse!
Daniel: I didn't do anything! Theater mode activated itself!
Maybe - The Ink Spots
Narrator: This here story I'm 'bout to tell you today is an interestin' one. A tale I hold dear close to my heart.
Loona: Who the fuck is that!?
Daniel: Fuck if I know!?
Narrator: It is set in a place you wouldn't expect to find. Frankly, I've come across many individuals that are down right terrible. I mean, what can you expect in a place like Pentagram City? But there are these two...I don't want to say heroes. Cause what are heroes? Special people that make life in this hellscape very exciting.
Daniel: I think my hallucinations are being projected through my ability.
Narrator: That quick thinkin' scalie fella over there? That's Daniel Gomez. However, he rejected the name his lovin' mom and pop gave him. He goes by The Quemaleon. Not a respectable name that would fly from where I'm from.
A spotlight shines on Daniel. He's wearing tattered clothes like when he was a bum.
Daniel: *Red* What happened to my clothes!?
Narrator: The next one...She's a special one. Only goes by Loona. Both her bark and bite are ferocious. Just a couple days ago, I had a run in with a wild coyote. Not a pleasant experience. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies. Need to get myself checked to see if I have rabies...Darn. I lost my train of thought there.
A spotlight shines on Loona. She has a black hoodie, green shirt and ripped jeans.
Loona: *Gasp* I look fucking hideous!
The lights go out once more.
Narrator: Now that our main characters are dressed for their part, we can move forward the plot. Sadly, I won't be able to cover the events in its entirety. But I will try my darndest.
The scene starts with Quemaleon jogging to his home. He opens the door and steps inside. The lights turn on their own. Before he could ponder at such abnormality, someone grabs him from behind, drags him to the bathroom and dunks his head in the toilet.
Blitzo: Where's the money, Gomez? Where's the fucking money? *Pulls him out* Where's the fucking money? *Dunks him in* You know it's what you're good for. Where is it? *Pulls him out* Where's the fucking money, shitheaaaaad!
Quemaleon: *Coughs* I-it's…it's probably down there somewhere. Let me take another look.
Blitzo: *Dunks him one more time* Don't fuck with us, Gomez.
He throws Quemaleon on the floor. Millie unzips her pants and pisses on top of his stuff.
Quemaleon: No! Ugh. Not on my props, dude.
Blitzo: You see? You see what happens, Gomez? You see what happens?
Quemaleon: Go-Gomez? No no. I'm not Gomez. You got the wrong guy. I'm El Quemaleon!
Blitzo: You're name's Gomez, Gomez. And your wife is Charlotte Magne.
Quemaleon: M-My wife? Charlotte? Does this place look like the fucking princess of Hell would live in? The toilet wasn't even flushed, man!
He flushes and sits on it, while Blitzo examines the bag Quemaleon was carrying and pulls out a baseball.
Blitzo: The fuck is this?
Quemaleon: Obviously, you're not a football player.
Blitzo drops the ball, which falls into a hole on the floor.
Blitzo: Millie?
Millie: Yeah?
Blitzo: Isn't this fucker supposed to be loaded?
Millie:...Fuck! He looks like a fucking loser.
Quemaleon: Hey, at least I have sentimental values.
Millie: What a fucking time waster.
Blitzo: Yeah. Thanks a lot, asshole.
They both throw more insults as they leave and slam the door shut.
Black out
Uncle Jimbo presents a story no one clamored
The Great Quemaleon
Come and Get Your Love - Redbone
Queue a montage of demons and sinners playing baseball in slow motion. Someone throws a ball towards the camera, but someone catches it at the last minute. With the impact causing the dust particles to scatter. A familiar imp is ready to swing. The pitcher throws the ball and the imp hits it. It's a homerun! He runs all the bases and goes back to the bench, where Quemaleon and Loona are sitting.
Moxxie: Woo! Today is our lucky day!
He sits in between them.
Loona: That is some bullshit.
Quemaleon: Yea, man. It really helped during my performances.
Moxxie: What helped with your performances, Quemaleon?
Loona: Were you listening to el Quemaleon's story, Moxxie?
Moxxie: Huh?
Loona: WERE YOU LISTENING TO EL QUEMALEON'S STORY?
Moxxie: I was on the field.
Loona: Then you have no frame of reference, Moxxie. You're like that one guy who walks in the middle of the movie, asking stupid questions that the plot alre-!
Quemaleon: Loona. Loona, what's your point?
Loona: There's no is none! Now my point here is tha-
Moxxie: Yeah Loona, what's your point?
Loona: Huh!?
Quemaleon: Loona, what's you-? *Sigh* Look. We all know who's responsible here. What the fuck are you talking!?
Loona: What the fu-!? I'm no-! *Deep breath* We are talking about a power dynamic at play here.
Moxxie: What the fuck is she talking about?
Quemaleon: My props.
Loona: Shut the fuck up, Moxxie! You're out of your element!
Quemaleon: Loona, the dog pecker pissed on my props. It's not like I can send her a bill for the damages? So what the fuck are you talking about!?
Loona: What the fuck are you talking about!? The dog pecker is not the issue here, Quemaleon! I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand. A line you do no-! Also, dog pecker is not the correct term. Imp, please.
Quemaleon: Loona, the chick isn't the ruler of Hell. She peed on my props!
Moxxie: She peed on Quemaleon's props.
Loona: Moxxie, you're out of your element! Quemaleon, the dog pecker isn't the issue here!
Quemaleon: *Gets up* Then who is?
Loona: Daniel Gomez. The other Daniel Gomez. The co-owner of Happy Hotel.
Quemaleon: *Stretches his back* That's fucking interesting, dude. That's fucking interesting.
Loona: Plus, he has the wealth and resources. So there's no reason, there's no FUCKING reason, why his wife owes money to the Overlords and then they come and pee on your fucking props! Am I wrong!?
Quemaleon: No.
Loona: Am I wrong!?
Quemaleon: Yeah, but…*Sigh*
Loona: Okay then. *Aggressively clears throat* Those props really helped your performances, did it not?
Quemaleon: Damn fuckin-A.
Moxxie: And this chick peed on it.
Loona: Moxxie, please.
Quemaleon: You know this the guy, I could fucking find this Gomez guy.
Moxxie: His name is Gomez? That's your name, Quemaleon.
Quemaleon: This is the fucking guy who should compensate for my fucking props. His wife owes money to the Overlords and they come and pee on my fucking props?
Loona: They peed on your fucking props?
Quemaleon: They peed on my fucking props.
Loona: That's right, Quemaleon. They peed on your fucking props.
Hazbin Hotel
Quemaleon goes into the lobby and approaches the desk, where a golden furred dog furry is doing some paper.
Abraham: How can I help you?
Quemaleon: I want to talk with the owner of this place. It's for business purposes. His name is Daniel Gomez.
Abraham scans him.
Abraham: I'm sorry, but Mr. Gomez is busy at the moment. Try coming some other time.
Quemaleon: And when is that other time?
Abraham: Let me see…*Opens a notebook* We can schedule a meeting for next month.
Quemaleon: Next month!? But I need him to compensate for my props now! This power dynamic will not stand, man!
Abraham: Well, you'll have to wait your turn. Mr. Gomez is an extremely busy man.
At that moment, Daniel walks into the lobby with another golden furred furry. He's wearing a black and red top hat and a large pink coat.
Daniel: Then they can fucking wait! I need to take care of the Mandela Project! Also, why are we in Theater M-
He notices Quemaleon.
Daniel: Kain. Get everyone to evacuate the building immediately.
Kain: But wh-?
Daniel: NOW, KAIN!
Kain yeeps and sets off the alarm, causing everyone to exit the building. Leaving only him and Quemaleon alone.
Daniel: What's your name?
Quemaleon: Uuum. I go by Quemaleon. Why do you look like me?
Daniel: Quemaleon, huh? Funny.
He circles around Quemaleon.
Quemaleon: Hey, man. I only came here to tell you that some imps were looking for you, but they assaulted me instead and the chick pissed on my props. Now I see why they got confused. But yeah. Wondering if you could compensate for the damages?
Daniel: Pissed on your props?...Oh. So that's what is happening. You're just reenacting The Big Lebowski and somehow managed to worm your way into my world.
Quemaleon: The Big what? Look man, I just want my props, man.
Daniel: Tell me Quemaleon, do you know the extent of your ability?
Quemaleon:...M-My ability?
Daniel: Yes. Theater Mode is a truly special power. *Chuckle* I mean, we're experiencing it right now! This must be a sign. Tell me, how did you achieve such a feat?
Quemaleon: I-I-I don't know what you're talking about, man?
Daniel: ASTL!
Black tentacles appear underneath Quemaleon and coil around him.
Quemaleon: Ungh! You're a Sigmund!?
Daniel: A Sigmund?
Quemaleon: Jormungand!
A multi colored scaled serpent with a violet top hat and red cape appear behind Quemaleon. It hisses and lightning strikes on the tentacles, making them disintegrate.
Daniel: HeheheheHAHAHAHAHA! Marvelous! Truly marvelous! I've finally found it!
He snaps his fingers and everything shakes. The floor they stand rises quickly. The roof opens up to let the platform go through. Now they're high up that they can overlook the city.
Daniel: Look up there. *Points at the sky* That is Heaven. I've been using everything in my power to achieve ascension. Married the princess of Hell, stole money from Overlords and even killed Alastor to gain entrance to Heaven's Door! And I have finally found the key.
Quemaleon: W-W-What!?
Daniel: This could be my only chance. Our chance! Don't you want to live a life of pure bliss? A life that we've been robbed!?
Quemaleon: Look, man. I just wa-
Daniel: *Le sigh* You're already a lost cause. I thought I could convince you to join me, but I'm only wasting my breath. *Black* Time for you to be my key.
Tons of tentacles rush towards Quemaleon. He won't be able to get them all!
Loona: Fenrir!
The tentacles are being attacked by chains. Loona and Moxxie jump into the fray.
Loona: I knew he was a Sigmund.
A buff gray wolf covered in chains stands next to Loona.
Quemaleon: Loona! Moxxie!
Moxxie: We got you, Quemaleon. Hela!
A woman in black robes and flowing white hair appears behind him. She taps her lantern and it starts sucking in the rest of the tentacles. The three of them pose dramatically with their Freudian.
Daniel: KAHAHAKAKA! *Claps* Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful! I thought this was going to be boring. It doesn't matter what version we are from. We always love putting a good show!
The tentacles pile on top of Daniel. They grow in size, until it hardens like a cocoon. Then it cracks, Daniel breaks through the shell. He has increased massively. His limbs are elongated with spikes protruding from his knees and elbows. His eyes are camera lenses and the end of his tail has a light. He sticks out his tongue, which has an eye at the tip.
Eldritch Blooded Thespian: Daniel Gomez
Laser Beam - Persona Q
E-Daniel: KAAKAKAKOO! I HaVe ThE pOwEr To CoPy AbIlItIeS fRoM oThEr WoRlDs! tHiS iS THE TRUE POWER OF THE MANDELA!
Quemaleon: Fuck man! All I wanted was my fucking props!
Loona: We are going to show you what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!
She summons Fenrir to attack with his chains.
E-Daniel: NeARlY wItChEs!
A being of smoke materializes and catches the chain with its claws. She has brown skin and very long silver hair. She's wearing a black sports bra and shorts. Her feet are that of a reptile and has white angel wings. She spews smoke out of her mouth to hit Fenrir. It stings like a hundred cigarettes.
Loona: AAAAH!
She is lost in pain, that she doesn't notice a black hole forming beneath her. Tentacles appear, but Moxxie shoves her away, dragging him to the abyss instead.
Quemaleon/Loona: MOXXIE!
Quemaleon: All right, you son of a bitch! This show has gone long enough! Time to pull down the curtains! Jormungand: The World!
Jormungand reveals its true behemoth size. Not even the black tentacles can fully wrap around it.
E-Daniel:...wow.
Quemaleon and Loona jump off, before Jormungand consumes the platform and the entire hotel in one bite. Fenrir uses it's chain to swing on a lamppost so they can safely land. Both of them watch as Jormungand gulps the building. Props fall down and land on top of Quemaleon.
Loona: By the way, I'm getting adopted.
Quemaleon: Rrrgh! G-Good for you.
Oh! It's a baseball!
Daniel is stretching on the bench alone, getting ready to swing. An old cowboy sits close to him.
Cowboy: You're lookin' a bit chipper.
Quemaleon: Huh? Oh. Yeah. I feel good...
Cowboy: Call me Samm-E. Not stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but I can tell you're a bit sad.
Quemaleon: Just a bit. Lost a friend and the other one moved away with her adopted father.
Samm-E: I'm sorry to hear that.
Quemaleon: But you know. Despite all that, I'm glad I got to spend time with them. So instead of being gloomy about it, I'm happy that I got to experience my friends. Anyways, I gotta get to swinging.
Samm-E: Well, good luck out there. I know everythin' is going to work for ya.
Quemaleon: Welp. El Quemaleon abides.
Samm-E: *Chuckles* El Quemaleon abides. *Looks at the camera* I don't know about you? But I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. El Quemaleon. Takin 'er easy for all us sinners. Well. That about wraps 'er up. I told you the story is pretty interesting. Had a lot of twists and turns. Loved every minute of it...Except for one thing. I didn't like Moxxie being gone, but then I remember the real one is all well doing his work. It reminds me of...Ah. Look at me rambling again. See you fellas on the next trip.
Locket - Crumb
ShOw'S oVeR
*Red*….Ungh! Finally. The high is going away. The walls are still disorienting, but not as intense as before. I'm still in the office thankfully. I look to my side and Loona is next to me with her eyes wide open.
"Hey Daniel?" She asks.
"Yeah?"
"Let's do it again." Oh god.
"Maybe next month. I need to recover my sanity." We just lay together on the floor, with the music playing on her phone. Didn't expect to bond with Loona this way, but I'm not complaining. I'll have to tell Qwais to give me a fucking heads up to what I take from now on.