Invictus

by Raging Smurf

When I died, I never thought I'd get a second chance at life, let alone another chance as the protagonist of an anime. Getting another chance in a world with Snake pedos, heart thieves, and peepers with doomsday capabilities wasn't a part of the memo. But I ain't selling my life cheap, that's for damn sure. Male OC NarutoInsert. Chapters 1-4 prologue.

41. A tale of two perverts

Author's Note:

This is a response to InARealPickle's review: Did you not think that it was possible that I intentionally wrote Naruto being uncomfortable about the two and made a grandiose joke towards the two of them because it made him uncomfortable? I'm pretty sure it's been said and shown multiple times that he says weird shit when he's uncomfortable. It's not flirting to be waxing poetic in a way that is designed to be hyperbolic to embarrass. And how would embarrassing someone intentionally be considered romance in any way? There can be jokes without a relationship, as noted by Naruto talking about Rin's hair and eyes. And a kiss on the cheek, which it appears that you did the same thing as the MC did and read into it far too much, isn't a fucking 'pre-teen menage a trois'.

Perhaps the reason I put it was to show that Hinata is less shy about things, instead of simply telling it. Perhaps Ino, who can feel emotions somewhat, felt him get embarrassed and wanted to make it worse for him and wished him good luck as well, maybe out of a sense of getting back at him being a smartass all the time.

You realize serious or difficult events need to have silly or humourous things as a contrast, yes? The very beginning of the chapter is the MC displaying one of his most consistent flaws, paranoia at doing literally anything, followed by the fights that include the Springtime of Youth and the whole thing with Ino and Hinata. Right after the small oasis of non-seriousness passes, I dive right into the deep end of Rin using a Rasengan when she was explicitly told not too, followed by the clusterfuck that was her finding out about Minato.

Literally waiting one chapter to comment on why Ino and Hinata did it would have spared me getting irritated by having something I wrote to be intentionally stupid get called a 'preteen menage a trois'. If it helps put everyone's mind at ease, I will repeat what I said in a prior author's note: Romance will only come into play after the time skip, (Yes, there will be a time skip). I'm not going to write 12 and 13 year olds making out and doing other shit.

I wasn't going to comment about your review, but the term 'Preteen menage a trois' and the word 'pedophilic' are terms that catch your attention when you see a message about someone reviewing. If you truly did drop reading this after the last chapter, then farewell and best of luck to you, and I don't mean that to sound like an asshole. I write this for fun, it's not like I make money per comment or reader. If you don't enjoy reading it, then I'm not going to demand that you keep going on. This is a form of free entertainment for people, and it has the added bonus of making me feel like I'm giving back to the fandom for giving me so many amazing stories to read. But for the love of God, don't call it either of those things and jump the gun like that.

KadeBear: Yes. That part with Roshi was 100% based off of The Patriot. The fact that the film came out over 20 years ago is kind of surprising, now that I think about it.

Freddielebron: He's never felt or seen Madara or Zetsu. They are not 'real' in the sense that he sees Obito. Plus, Madara is dead, Obito is most definitely not. Think of how Madara said it didn't feel as enjoyable to 'kill' Tobirama's Edo Tensei because he was already dead and slower than when he was alive, same goes for Naruto.

Now that I've addressed that, here's the chapter. I have several game and film references in this one, try and find them.

---

The day after I told Rin about our father was still a little awkward. Kurama had refrained from saying any bullshit, likely from him seeing and hearing most of the conversation because of the two of us yelling at each other.

The clone I sent back to Kakashi's place had a left a note next to the replacement frame, explaining what happened and what was said.

Rin was still asleep right now, the time being about 5:00 a.m., and I was heading to Kakashi to check in on who I would be training with. I was going to get training, I don't care if it's from Kakashi, Hiruzen, or Jiraiya. The fact that Gaara was an unstable Jinchuriki probably meant Jiraiya was going to, that is if he's even here.

I saw that practically nobody was out at this point, which suited me just fine. I got to Kakashi's apartment and walked up to the door, knocking a few times. He opened the door a minute or so later and I got a good look at him.

He looked tired, almost like he hadn't slept, and he smelled faintly like alcohol.

"You been drinking?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

He grimaced and nodded, gesturing for me to come in.

I walked in and spotted the picture of Kakashi's team was beside the couch, the note I left right next to it.

Kakashi sighed and sat down, running his fingers through his hair.

"I take it that she wasn't pleased with what you told her?" Kakashi asked casually, looking at me with a resigned expression.

I didn't hold back a grimace at remembering how angry she was.

"Words were traded and she bit me," I said, hearing Kakashi sigh, "She ended up channeling some of the Fox's chakra from getting pissed and I had to restrain her and put a tag on her seal."

"I'm sure she loved every moment of it." Kakashi muttered sarcastically.

"I'm pretty sure her canines scraped against bone when she bit me." I said flatly, not wanting to think of whether my bite hurt Karin as much.

Speaking of Karin, I switched subjects.

"Where is Karin at now?" I asked.

Kakashi raised a brow at the subject change, but he answered me.

"She's in a hotel right now, under ANBU guard. The Hokage made the decision when he found out your apartment got trashed and she couldn't stay at your place."

I rolled my eyes at remembering that I still hadn't gotten a replacement bed.

"I'll send a bunshin to buy a new bed and a cot. She can sleep in the bed."

I'd slept on the floor before, I didn't have an issue with a cheap cot.

"But anyway," I switched back to the previous subject, "Rin's still upset with me some, but she's not angry. She was wanting to kill you and the Hokage for lying, but I admitted that I told you two to not say anything."

Kakashi looked grateful at me ensuring there wouldn't be a degradation in his relationship with her.

"Also, who's going to help me prepare for the finals, you?" I asked, seeing him shake his head afterwards.

"I honestly don't know what I'm going to do for the next month," Kakashi admitted, "It wouldn't feel fair to train either Rin or Sasuke because they're fighting each other, Hinata is probably going to be trained by her father, and you already have someone wanting to train you."

"Oh," I said with mock surprise, "Who's my secret admirer that wishes to bless me with this auspicious chance for training?"

"Someone that I think you'll get along with." Kakashi smirked, "Talk with the Hokage after while if you want to find him. He should be here today."

Yep. It was most definitely Jiraiya. I'm going to have fun fucking with him. He'll either love me or hate me, possibly both.

"Couldn't Rin just train with me and the random while you train Sasuke?" I asked, frowning at that.

"You're fighting a Jinchuriki, and a dangerous one at that," Kakashi reminded me, "This is a seal master and an S-rank Shinobi who has served Konoha for decades. It will be better for the focus to be on your preparation right now."

I made a show of thinking of who it could be, then looked at Kakashi.

"Jiraiya, huh?" I raised a brow, "You said I'd get along with him."

Kakashi scoffed at my response.

"Took you that long to realize who it was? I practically spoon-fed you hints."

"I was just being polite instead of just spoiling your fun."

"How considerate, but you didn't care when you sicced Anko on me by Henging two of your bunshin as Asuma and me." He gave me a dark look, his eye narrowing.

I started snickering at his expression, knowing Anko probably got her pound of flesh.

"To be fair," I raised my hands up, "I had no idea that she had no gag reflex."

Kakashi looked unimpressed.

"You suspected enough for you to make a bit about it in front of over a hundred genin."

"C'mon, it was funny." I protested, "You would have done something similar to me if you had the chance."

"Aside from your canines and birthmarks, I can't think of anything that could match that." Kakashi deadpanned.

I flinched when a gleam appeared in his eye.

I don't like where this is headed.

"I know dogs have a knot in a certain particular area, but do foxes?" He asked with a grin.

I choked on my spit and started coughing, my eyes wide in shock at the question.

"What the fuck?" I sputtered, caught off guard by that, "What kind of question is that?"

"Well, you talk about how women will adore such a feral lover when you're older." He reminded me of the comments I made to mess with Sasuke.

That is a nightmarish image. I would have murdered the fox if his chakra did that to me.

"I do not have a knot in my dick," I said flatly, shivering in disgust, "That's nightmare fuel right there."

"Just think," Kakashi eye smiled, "Your journey as a lady's man can die a fiery death with a well placed rumour."

I growled under my breath and gave him a look of contempt.

"What do you want?" I asked, my face flat.

"It would be too much for you to stop messing with me about Anko," Kakashi admitted, "But I want you to not pull any pranks on us about that until you become a Chunin, alright?"

I blinked in surprise at the rather low trade offer.

"What's your angle?" I raised a brow, crossing my arms, "That's too low of an offer."

"Better to get something than risk you saying to hell with it and calling a potential bluff."

I knew Kakashi would spread a bullshit rumour like that to mess with me. Rin would find it hilarious and Sasuke would be relentless.

"You're a bastard," I said simply, "But fine. You have a deal."

Kakashi grinned.

"Now that we've made a deal," He said, standing up and walking towards his room, "You wanting to get breakfast before you meet the Hokage?"

"Sure." I shrugged, seeing him disappear behind his door.

A few minutes later, he came out in his regular attire, vest and all.

"Ready?" He asked, walking towards the door.

I nodded and the two of us left his apartment, the sun having risen some.

---

"Any idea what I should expect to be learning from him?" I asked Kakashi, two empty bowls of ramen to the side of me and a half empty bowl being currently eaten.

I might have seen some of the stuff Jiraiya could do in the series, but that was nothing compared to what he could truly do. The man was a 40 year Shinobi veteran, someone who learned to be good or die in a ditch. He was almost as world wise as Hiruzen was, but he wasn't limited by age yet.

The things I've seen Kakashi do wasn't shown in the anime, nor Hiruzen. A show doesn't tell you how Hiruzen's chakra was one of the most terrifying I'd felt, not by its size, but by how diminished it was. The same way you can determine a person's height by measuring their tibia, I can tell by my sensing what someone's max chakra reserves are if they have nearly exhausted themselves.

A 70 year old man had more chakra than 99% of the Shinobi he commanded while his chakra felt slower, colder, and overall less potent than it should have been.

Imagining whatever the hell he was when he was in his physical prime is terrifying. To think that anybody could be greater than that, let alone the Uchiha that wants to put the world in an illusion, is unsettling.

So if the show didn't exactly show how dangerous the two of them are, then I assume the same could be said about Jiraiya. This isn't a show or manga, it's reality. A reality with demigods and teenagers with the power to level cities.

Kakashi looked to be thinking deeply, eventually speaking.

"It's a little difficult to say, it depends on what you mean by that." He offered, realizing that wasn't an answer I wanted.

"He's fought in two wars and is one of the most dangerous Shinobi alive, and I've seen him spar with your father."

I was paying close attention now, ignoring the bowl in front of me.

"He favours Katon and Doton jutsu, and he's creative in how he fights."

I grimaced, expecting that.

"The Hokage will be much better to ask, but you could just wait until Jiraiya shows up."

"Yeah," I went back to the bowl so it wouldn't get cold, "That's probably what I'll do."

I finished my bowl and Kakashi forced me to let him pay the bill, slapping down some Ryo.

It was brighter now and the two of us walked to the tower, Hiruzen's chakra emanating from his office.

I opened up the connection to Kurama to ask him something.

"Yes?" He asked, sounding bored.

Question. I began, a certain thought I'd had since I started thinking about Jiraiya's preferred elemental release ninjutsu.

Roshi had Lava Release because of the Yonbi having a fire affinity and he had an Earth affinity. A similar thing with Han using steam.

Do you have a particular elemental release? I felt his chakra shift minutely.

"I can use wind and fire." He answered eventually, "Why the curiosity?"

Would that improve my ability to use fire jutsu? I asked, Would your chakra influence ours?

Kurama was silent for some time, causing me to notice that Kakashi and I weren't far away.

I heard Kurama sigh, the echo in my head never failing to feel weird.

"My chakra can influence the ones I'm sealed in, improving their ability to begin shaping their chakra for wind and fire release."

I sense a 'but'. I said, hearing him snort.

"But, you have an uncommonly strong water affinity, to the point that it would be extremely difficult for you to use fire jutsu even with my chakra having been slowly coaxing yours to be more malleable from being sealed in you since birth."

I knew opposing affinities were... difficult to handle when you didn't have some kind of kekkai genkai. Water likes to flow and gives in to manipulation, while fire constantly devours and is chaotic.

What about Rin?

"The vixen," Kurama said with a chuckle, never calling her by name, whether it be Rin, Uzumaki, or human, "Has no such issue. She can work towards a second affinity for fire faster than she would have if I wasn't sealed. Her chakra is much softer than yours to the touch."

I could only assume it was because of the circumstance of my existence. Chakra is a manifestation of body and mind, and the mind and memories of years more lived experience would make sense in that context.

I'd been thinking of what would be the best elemental release to work on as a third, whenever I got around to it.

Anything else before I start my day? I'll be focusing on training, so I won't keep the connection open consistently.

Kurama didn't say anything immediately, humming to himself.

"Continue with your stories tonight. They are... entertaining." He eventually said, his chakra feeling less focused, meaning he was done talking.

Sure thing. Later, fox.

There was not a single possiblity that Kurama heard any of the stories I've been talking about during the night, especially since they were originally written in a language that I couldn't understand.

Speaking of stories, 'my' book was starting to make a pretty penny. Sales were up ever since people started coming to Konoha in preparation for the Chunin exams from different regions.

A nice paperback to read when waiting for a competitive blood sport to happen is the mark of a sane mind, didn't you know?

We got to the Hokage's office and we passed the ANBU guards, the two eying Kakashi warily.

Shrugging it off, I walked in and saw Hiruzen behind the desk, a neutral expression on his face.

The door closed and I walked towards Hiruzen, his eyes flicking to mine.

"Kakashi informed me that you told Rin about Minato." He said.

I gave a simple nod.

"She didn't take it well, did she?"

"No."

"Would you be able to explain what you told her?"

I explained everything that was said and done, of how I told her not to use a Rasengan, the shouting match we had, and what I did to get her to see that Minato was our father.

The look on her face as she dropped the picture frame and staggered away from me was the one thing out of that entire exchange that almost caused me to fall to pieces.

I now knew the expression I had when I hadn't recognized her face years ago. It was on her face, in her eyes, when I told her to look back at the picture when I Henged my whisker marks and hair.

And I hated it.

"She was angry at all of us, and she bit me."

Hiruzen snorted, explaining after I raised a brow in question.

"She did the same thing to an ANBU when you were attacked. Left an impressive bite mark."

Rin seems to have a proclivity towards biting people, while I'm a dick to people.

"I'm a smartass," I said, "And she seems to bite people."

"You have to be smart to be a smartass, Naruto." Kakashi rolled his eye.

"You wouldn't know what smart is if it kicked you in the balls," I snarked, "Bakakashi."

Kakashi had a tic mark at his temple when I said that nickname.

"Your godfather will be proud of you." Hiruzen chuckled, shaking his head, "But I think your mother would consider you a disappointment."

I rolled my eyes, but laughed at the accurate statement.

Uzumaki Kushina would be even worse than Minato would be about her precious baby being corrupted, even if Jiraiya did absolute fuck all in making me a perverted little bastard.

But isn't it hilarious to drop a mess in other people's laps?

"Speaking of disappointments," I said, my tone being serious now, "Where's Jiraiya?"

"He sent a messenger toad, saying he would be here today."

"Did he say where?" I asked.

Hiruzen shook his head. "He did not."

Odds are, he'll probably be at the hot springs to peep at some of the women after a day's worth of traveling.

"I can guess where he'd be at." I said simply, shaking my head.

"Do be gentle with him, Naruto," Hiruzen requested, "I am aware of some of the things you're capable of."

"Like?" I asked innocently, a less than innocent grin being visible on my face.

"It was an unpleasant surprise when I woke up with the word 'pervert' written on my forehead with Fuinjutsu ink." Hiruzen said gruffly, the memory likely not being a fond one.

"Ah, yes," I smiled, pretending like I was remembering something nostalgic, "You got off easy."

"Hmnn?" Hiruzen raised a brow in an 'oh really' look.

"I drew a dick on Kakashi's face." I said, feeling Kakashi's chakra spike and some Killing Intent leak out from him.

"You swore you would never bring that up." Kakashi muttered, glaring at me.

"Use your Sharingan if you want to give me a death glare," I snickered, "More effective."

I then addressed his accusation.

"I promised to not bring up the dick I drew on your face that one time," I grinned, seeing Kakashi's glare intensify, "But not the 3 times before it that I had to erase because I couldn't keep my hand steady from laughing."

I was like a kindergarten student when I was trying to draw the dick on his face. I couldn't keep my hand from shaking because I was almost crying from laughing.

Kakashi looked like he was seriously considering breaking some of my bones, but Hiruzen cleared his throat to get our attention.

"As amusing as that story is," The old man had the decency to suppress a smirk, "I would like to ensure whatever plan you have to torture my student won't cause random destruction like your D-rank mission."

As if I could cook something up on the fly to cause that much chaos.

"That should have been an S-rank," I shrugged, being partially serious, "Simply because I got attacked by a bunch of naked and pissed kunoichi."

"You don't have to pretend that you didn't love every moment of it." Kakashi remarked, causing me to scowl.

"Oh, yes, any self respecting guy likes getting covered in shit, beaten by an Inuzuka girl, get their balls hit repeatedly, and get chased across the village," I rattled off, giving Kakashi a deadpan look, "If there ever comes a point I start enjoying pain, kill me."

Kakashi looked disgusted at the last part.

"You sure that's not why you take several hits and injuries?"

I felt my eye twitch at the question, especially the innocent tone he used.

"Believe me, Kakashi, you'd know if I did."

Kakashi should have thought better than to ask the next question.

"Really?" He asked with a touch of sarcasm.

For the record, I have absolutely no shame. Only a shameless degenerate would do what I was going to do to fuck with the cyclops.

"Oh, Kakashi-senpai," I simpered, the man flinching back at the tone I used, "Stab me deeper. Oh, cut me harder, senpai."

The visible part of Kakashi's face turned a disturbing shade of green, the man looking nauseous.

"Alright, you've made your point." Kakashi shook his head, not trying to say anything else.

I grinned and turned back to Hiruzen, who had a look of exasperation.

"Do what you want to Jiraiya, just don't blow anything up. And could you refrain from using that tone of voice in my presence from now on?"

"Sure, Jiji." I nodded, having only done it to screw with Kakashi.

"Go on," Hiruzen shooed me away, "Go and be a pest to someone else."

On every leaf. On every stalk. Until there's nothing left of green.

I ran towards the edge of the window of the office, deciding to pull a Jiraiya.

"I'm not a pest," I grinned, turning to face the two, "I'm a plague."

I then let go and dove off the tower, spinning around to head towards the ground, the wind whistling in my ears.

---

Hmnn, security is tighter. Jiraiya mused, spotting several times more guards deployed around the village.

The sight of Konoha was a balm for his soul, having not seen it in so many years.

Even if he loved the freedom offered by traveling and being the village's spy master, the village that was his home would always have a special place in his heart.

He managed to evade detection as he walked through the streets, acting like it was a game. Most Shinobi never had the privilege of trying to track a Kage level Shinobi like himself, especially in their own village.

The hustle and bustle of the villagers didn't distract him from the excitement, but also fear, of how his godchildren would react to him.

Sensei hadn't told him of anything new over the last week, probably meaning nothing happened. But he was aware that Naruto had figured out that Minato was their father, and he wasn't pleased about it. Small blessings though, Naruto didn't hate his father.

Jiraiya had everything planned out for training the two, but Naruto took precedence right now, especially with his suspicions about who was supposed to be the Child of Prophecy between the two.

Intelligent, immense raw chakra reserves, and the Bloodline ability of his grandfather pointed towards him, not Rin, being the one.

He'll talk to Hiruzen after while about anything that was left out of the letters between them for security reasons, but right now, he was going to the hot springs. The long journey had sapped him of his inspiration. Research was required!

---

I was suppressing my chakra and was discreetly making my way to the hot springs, my target undoubtedly being there.

Hiruzen seemed to assume the worst, but what did he know? Jiraiya will be awesome to talk with. It's not like the hot springs are going to get blown up a second time.

I ducked into an alley, pressing my sensing out to see if anyone was trailing me. The ANBU seemed to be sticking to the outskirts of the village and were patrolling in a familiar pattern.

Now that I knew the coast was clear, I made multiple clones and had them Henge as different people, ordering them to scope out the springs themselves, and the ideal spot to spy on the treasure within.

After one of them popped to relay a confirmation to me, I shut my eyes and visualized the image that I received.

A large man with spiky white hair that went down his back, red and green vest, and a chakra signature that was suppressed to a degree that only Orochimaru and Hiruzen could match.

And he was spying on the women.

Smirking at the idea in my head, I made a hand seal and Henged as a disguise that would be an excellent way to get Jiraiya's guard to lower.

Jiraiya was a Super Pervert, but there was something that he did not know, something that he was incapable of knowing. I was burdened with a grand and all encompassing knowledge of reality that he couldn't have known.

5 words. 5 words from one Super Pervert to another.

There can only be one.

---

Jiraiya was switching between looking through his spy glass and jotting down notes, giggling at what he was seeing.

He was fortunate to have gotten here when more than one team of Konoha nin had come back from a long mission, judging by the number of kunoichi currently in the springs.

He peered more intently into the spy glass when two lovely specimens, one with black hair and a petite build, the other being a brunette with a more athletic build, began laughing and splashing one another.

Ooh, yes. He was writing down notes without even looking at the paper, being an immensely experienced multitasker. This will be amazing for my book.

He was interrupted in his research by a soft, feminine voice saying his name from behind.

"Excuse me, are you Jiraiya the Sannin?"

Jiraiya's hand slipped and he broke his pencil, tearing his note sheet.

He bit down to stop from cursing and jerked his head towards the source, prepared to tear strips from them for interrupting his research so rudely.

Whatever retort he had died the instant he caught sight of the individual. His eyes widened comically at the sight of arguably one of the most beautiful women he'd ever seen.

She was a blonde girl around her early twenties in age, with enticing blue eyes.

"Uh," He blinked, but recovered from the surprise very quickly, "Yes, I am," He jumped up and struck a pose, "I am Jiraiya the Gallant. And who may you be?" He asked with a soft tone, seeing the girl smile brightly.

"Oh," She covered her mouth and giggled at his display, the sound a soft tinkling one, "I'm Kasumi. You wouldn't know me, but you saved my father in the Second war."

There had been more than one relative of Shinobi he'd saved that had thanked him in person when the war ended, especially since he was more approachable than Orochimaru.

Jiraiya inclined his head and gave a sweeping bow.

"I am happy to meet a polite and beautiful lady such as yourself, Kasumi-san." He then lifted his head up to get a better look at her.

Her hair was a golden blonde that seemed to catch the sunlight, and her eyes shown like two captivating sapphires.

She giggled again and walked towards him, her hips swaying with each step.

Jiraiya was praying that he could stave off a nosebleed for just a little longer, this breathtaking girl was closing in on him and he drank in her delicious assets.

A white sundress contrasting deliciously with her sun kissed skin, her ample bosom almost taut against the fabric of the dress, straining to be free.

"I just wanted to thank you for saving my Touchan." She whispered huskily, her eyes alight with amusement.

Jiraiya bit down his giggle, but he felt some blood trickle down his nose, the goddess before him noticing it.

"Oh stop, Jiraiya-kun," She looked away, a dainty blush on her cheeks, "I'm not that pretty."

This can't be possible. Even the most unrealistic scenes I've written haven't been like this.

Jiraiya ignored his suspicions when she got on her tiptoes and traced her fingers across his vest, her face just a foot away from his.

If her eyes were an amber colour, he might have been able to almost fool himself into thinking it was Tsunade. This girl's hair was almost like hers, but it had more curls in it, and the toned muscles under the sinfully soft flesh could be seen as she got closer.

"I've never had such a large man," She looked him up and down, looking impressed, "But I'm sure you can help educate me, Sensei."

Blood started flowing freely from both nostrils, a perverted blush on his face.

He was giggling giddily as she closed the distance, her breath tickling his ear as she whispered a sinful secret to him.

"Make love to me, Jiraiya-kun." But the voice wasn't that of this delectable female in front of him, it was the voice of his teammate.

His male teammate.

He completely froze and his eyes widened, the girl giggling in that disgusting way Orochimaru did.

The next thing he knew, a foot struck him in the gut and sent him flying backwards, his back and head impacting something solid. A crashing sound, screams, and a splash assaulted his ears, the feeling of being submerged next.

He flailed for a moment and jump up, looking around as water dripped from his hair and clothes.

He'd been kicked into the hot springs, the women slowly getting over the shock of him crashing through the roof.

"Pervert!" Several screamed out, most of them covering their bodies with their hands as best as they could.

Shit.

Jiraiya, Sannin, lecher, trainer of the Yellow Flash, the Toad Sage of Mount Myoboku, was buried under a swarm of angry females.

He threw his hands out to protect himself, but there were too many. He was forced underwater again from all of them, several of them stomping on his face.

"Nft zh fcs!" He tried to scream, the water distorting it.

He broke the surface of the water and gasped for air.

"Not the face!" He shouted, blindly grabbing to find his Hitai-ate, which had fallen off.

His shit luck matched Tsunade's when he found something, but it wasn't his Hitai-ate.

It was too soft to be what he was reaching for.

He heard a shriek and felt a knee get buried in his groin moments later.

"The face!" He screamed desperately, collapsing to his knees, "Kami, please, the face!"

His prayers went unheeded as he was buried under the women.

---

I was already cackling like a man insane when Jiraiya's ass crashed through the hot springs, blessing him with an up close look at the merchandise.

I started getting lightheaded from laughing and fell to my knees, my breaths coming out in a wheeze.

The screaming went on for I don't know how long, but Jiraiya's battered form was eventually flung out of the building, the man groaning and shifting around.

My vision was swimming from lack of air, the plan being flawlessly delivered.

Jiraiya got his legs back under him and his gaze jumped to me.

His expression shifted into anger, but I caught the sight of something flying towards the back of his head. His Hitai-ate got flung back to him and a *ting* was heard as it struck him.

"Pervert!" The women who threw it shouted, a towel wrapped around her.

Jiraiya stooped down and picked it up, stomping towards me.

The Henge was no longer covering me, so Jiraiya knew who had fucked with him.

He got to me and he growled as he started wringing out the water in his hair.

"What the hell was that for?"

I managed to stand up, swaying from the solid 5 minutes of me laughing until I was pretty sure I coughed up a lung.

Clearing my throat, I gave him an imperious look with my eyes flashing.

"You trespassed on my territory, old man."

Jiraiya scoffed, looking unamused.

"This has been my stomping grounds since before you were an itch in your daddy's pants, gaki."

"I don't see you name around here," I snorted, glancing around, "Jisan."

Jiraiya scowled and kept trying to get the water out of his hair.

"My hair is naturally white."

"Whatever helps you sleep," I said simply, "I'm sure your prostate does you no favours with that. It must suck to piss five times a night."

Jiraiya went to say something, but he paused before.

"You do realize who you're talking to, right gaki?"

I smirked at him.

"Indeed I know who I speak with," I raised my voice and threw my arms out, "I stand in the presence of the mighty Jiraiya, the man who trained the guy that slept with my sister's mom."

Jiraiya actually laughed at the last part, his irritation seemingly vanishing.

"That's one way to put it." He finished with his hair, putting his Hitai-ate back on, "But I have greater feats than that."

"I'm named after the protagonist of your first book?" I phrased it as a statement, the taller man grimacing.

"I didn't realize you knew that." He said, looking depressed.

"This whole spectacle was the one and only 'Fuck you' I'll ever say about it," I looked at him, seeing him look confused, "Kakashi and the Hokage explained the shit that went down because of the Kyuubi being unleashed."

Jiraiya's entire body sagged, a look of relief on his face.

"I was worried about how I would need to explain that, but it looks like you already understand."

I nodded, looking around.

"You want to talk somewhere else?" I asked, assuming he'd want somewhere more private.

"Yeah," He nodded, "Especially since you scared away all the women." He added with an annoyed look.

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "It was your fat ass that made the splash.

"You kicked me!" He protested, the two of us walking towards the edge of the village.

"That was Kasumi-chan." I countered, still walking at the set pace.

Good God, Jiraiya had a long stride. Slow down, dude!

"I'm not going to forget that." He gave me a withering look, grumbling under his breath about redheaded brats.

"You'll like it even more when you find out what I based her on." I grinned toothily.

We got to the edge of the village, the guards looking surprised that Jiraiya was there.

"Jiraiya-sama," They said, scrambling to look more presentable, "We didn't realize you were in the village."

Jiraiya waved them off and told them it wasn't an issue, continuing out towards the forest surrounding Konoha.

I quickened my pace to keep up with the damned tree.

"I know I'm going to either laugh or regret this," Jiraiya said, turning to face me, "But what did you base 'Kasumi-chan' on?" He said the name sarcastically.

I smirked at the question.

"A combination of Mitarashi Anko and my father's hair and my eyes." I said, snickering at him trying to connect the dots.

I took pity on him and explained.

"In a way, she's a combination of yours and Orochimaru's training," I smiled widely, "Congrats, Mr and Mrs Orochimaru, it's a girl."

Jiraiya's face twisted into a disgusted expression, his eyes boring into mine.

"That's disgusting." He shivered at the idea of the Henge being some type of fucked up imagination of him and Orochimaru getting it on.

"But I thought a pervert would appreciate something as perverted as that." I said innocently, or at least as innocent I could with the current subject.

"First, I'm a Super Pervert," Jiraiya corrected me, "Get it right. And second, I'm a pervert, not a degenerate."

"What's the difference?" I scoffed, enjoying the way I was pushing his buttons.

"A pervert uses a feather in the bedroom," Jiraiya explained sagely, "While a degenerate uses the whole bird."

I visibly cringed at the visuals.

"I hope you're fine with puke on you sandals, because that's fowl." I said disgustedly.

"And how the hell would you know or think of that shit?" I added, ignoring my own hypocrisy on thinking of over the top things.

"I know a thing or two, cause I've seen a thing or two." Jiraiya replied simply, not elaborating.

I don't doubt that.

"I have no idea how your dick hasn't fallen off if that's the kind of company you keep." I muttered, knowing this world had to have some absolute freaks outside of Konoha. My first life had some weird shit that was considered crazy, but this world was default crazy.

Jiraiya threw his head back and laughed, before slapping me hard on the shoulder.

"Know what, you're starting to remind me of me, 40 years back." He adopted a look of nostalgia, "Minus the charisma...and impressive cock."

I scowled and pushed him as hard as I could, the man barely stumbling.

"Asshole." That slap actually hurt.

"I'll take that," He admitted, "But I need to know why you wanted to walk out into the forest."

Jiraiya was the one going into the forest, not me!

"What the hell are you going on about?" I demanded, glaring up at him, "You're the one I was following!"

"Oh, were you?" Jiraiya asked sarcastically, "You should know how old guys like me lose are way at times."

"Don't screw with me, you damn tree," I kept looking up at him, annoyed that the bastard was so fucking tall, "I'm dead on my feet from keeping up with your long ass legs."

"My height has gotten me laid more times than you've jerked it, shortstack." He scoffed, brushing off my insult.

I'm not letting him get the better of me.

"I don't think I'd count some of the skanks you undoubtedly screwed." I scowled, turning back to the village and walking.

"You'll reach a time and point of understanding," Jiraiya chuckled, his eyes filled with a predatory look, "How appreciative women are when a guy actually knows how to make them cu-"

"You're disgusting." I growled, stomping towards Ichiraku's, "Buy me some damn ramen and I'll ignore that."

Jiraiya laughed loudly, catching up to me with extreme ease.

"Your mother said those exact words after I said something perverted."

I turned to Jiraiya and looked at him without any sarcastic comment or joking in my mind.

"Would you be able to tell me about them?" I asked, seeing his face shift to a somber expression.

"Yeah, and I'd like to know about you and Rin," He said, genuine interest in his voice, "Letters from the Hokage can only tell me so much."

I smiled softly and kept walking, the two of us re-entering the village.

---

"I take it Rin didn't react to it well." Jiraiya said, taking a drink of some very weak sake.

I shook my head, the partially eaten bowl of ramen being ignored by me.

Jiraiya and I had been talking for the better part of two hours about different things, mostly Minato and Kushina on his part, while I told him about Rin and me.

The latest part was how Rin knew about Minato, and the subsequent shouting match.

"She couldn't break out of my grip after she kept punching me, so she bit me and I had to put a tag on her seal, which wasn't fun."

Jiraiya took another drink, hissing under his breath.

"This tastes like horse piss," He muttered to himself, but looked towards me, "Does she know about me?"

I shook my head.

"Based on her mood right now, I don't think she'll be warming up to the fact that our godfather 'wasn't there for us' and is a pervert for a little while."

"Hmnn," Jiraiya huffed to himself, "So she doesn't appreciate my writing then, huh?"

A smirk ghosted across my face.

"She actually loves your writing," I said truthfully, remembering how much she loved the book we got for our sixth birthday, "That was a bonding experience for the two of us."

Jiraiya had nodded along, up until the last part.

"What the hell do you mean 'bonding experience'?" He asked, his face paling some.

Hook, line, and sinker.

"We sometimes got lonely," I said quietly, trying to sound wistful, "And we'd sleep in the same bed to be closer."

Jiraiya's hand was clenched and he was listening intently.

"In our loneliness, we'd read your book and act out scenes."

Again, leaving out important context to screw with him. We were 6 and it was the Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi that we would read and act out certain scenes of.

Jiraiya looked even paler.

"It would sometimes be so late in the night, but Rin would just say 'Keep going, Oniichan, don't stop.'." My face was starting to hurt from not laughing.

Jiraiya ended up knocking over his bowl of ramen as he lunged forward and grabbed me, his movements frantic.

The damn ramen bowl was a fresh one, and it spilled all over me.

"Motherfuck!" I shouted, grabbing at my pants to keep the scalding broth off my balls.

"What book?!" Jiraiya demanded almost hysterically, ignoring the mess he made, "Uzumaki Naruto, tell me what book you acted out!"

He was freaking the fuck out, which I couldn't enjoy as much because of the damn broth.

"Gutsy Shinobi." I tried to pry my shirt from his grip, wanting to get the damn ramen off me.

Jiraiya looked like a man that had the greatest weight taken off his shoulders, letting go of me and slumping back.

"You're a little bastard for doing that." He grumbled, grabbing the entire sake bottle and chugging it.

"Not my fault that staring at tits have rotted what brains cells you have."

I managed to get the majority of the broth off me, but it still scalded me a bit.

"I thought you'd think that was funny," I continued, wiping the noodles off my legs, "It's hilarious what you can do by omitting one or two details."

Jiraiya muttered something unintelligible under his breath.

"What was the other detail aside from it being the only book I've written that doesn't have rather mature scenes?" He asked, a hint of curiosity in his voice.

"The fact that we were six when we'd reenact scenes from the book and how Rin was whining at 2:00 in the damn morning for me to read chapters 17 and 18 because she couldn't understand a few words," I replied, remembering how aggravating it was for Rin to wake me up because she had too much energy to sleep.

"But that should be something up your alley as a smut writer, right?" I raised a brow, "The whole 'forbidden love' bullshit that's popular among perverts." The sarcasm could almost be tasted.

"Oh how little you know about the nuances of the forbidden love aspect of romance," He stressed the word, "Not smut."

"If it involves describing slick, velvety walls to sheath your hard member in," I said with a roll of my eyes, "Then it's smut."

I can tell the act I was doing, being dismissive of his writing, was riling him up, and I was doing it shamelessly.

"And you ignore the detail given in other parts of my writing," Jiraiya said, leaning closer, "And how do you know how I write? You're not supposed to be able to buy that book, shortstack." He smirked as he said the last word.

Given that I spent a lot of time around Kakashi, my height was always a touchy subject. I'd spent years being the same height or taller than my peers. But now, I was shorter than practically everyone that wasn't my physical age.

I snorted at his attempt at being a 'responsible adult'.

"I can Henge to look like the Hokage or Kakashi no problem." I replied, being truthful.

Jiraiya's writing actually was pretty decent, even if it involved the protagonist sleeping with multiple women. There was a reason his books were considered better than the cheap paperback smut books that plagued book stores.

Jiraiya chuckled at the response.

"I bet my Sensei likes that."

His expression then shifted back to an explanatory one.

"The whole forbidden love part involves, for the most part, two kinds that sell the best," He then took a small drink, "Sensei and student, or some type of 'family' that isn't related. Such as a step sibling."

Even in an anime world, the What are doing, step-bro? is still a thing.

"You know I was joking about wanting to hear about that stuff, right?" I raised a brow.

"Yeah," Jiraiya shrugged, looking bored, "But you nearly gave me a heart attack and made me think my godchildren might have a less then ideal dynamic between them."

"That's an understatement and a half." I said, agreeing with that.

We were quiet for a little bit, not talking for a short while.

I thought of something else to ask, something that was an uncomfortable topic.

"You know what happened the last week?" I asked, looking up at him.

Jiraiya shook his head.

"I was being discreet about getting here," He said, resting his chin on his hand, "I wasn't sending or receiving any messages except one since two weeks ago."

I grimaced at that, knowing he wouldn't take it well that Orochimaru tried to recruit me and ended up almost killing me.

I'll let Hiruzen fill him in on the worst parts. It was difficult enough to say it once.

"Orochimaru paid me a visit in the forest of Death." I sighed, looking down to inspect my hand.

Jiraiya stilled, his head slowly turning towards me.

"Did he now?" He whispered, almost to himself.

Jiraiya's expression nearly demanded I explain, and I did.

"He's interested in Sasuke and me," I wiggled my fingers discreetly, a small blade of golden chakra materializing from my index and middle, "Because of his Sharingan and because of this."

Jiraiya looked wistful as he gazed at my hand, even after the chakra disappeared.

"It's been almost 30 years since I've seen that." He said, glancing around the ramen stand.

I looked at him with a questioning expression, suspecting that he had met Ashina when Orochimaru did.

"I met your grandfather at the beginning of the Second Shinobi War," Jiraiya explained, a faraway look in his eyes as he smiled softly, "He was something else."

Hiruzen told me stuff about him, but Jiraiya could possibly have a different perspective.

"He had me tagged as a lover of women the moment we stayed there for a couple weeks," He chuckled, signaling for Ayame to take away our empty bowls. He gave a quick thank you and went back to talking. "I'm sure you think of the Hokage as a wise elder that has huge amounts of knowledge."

"Yes." I nodded.

Jiraiya gave a grunt of understanding

"Well," He started, glancing at my hair, "Uzumaki Ashina was like that, but even more so. He was the oldest Shinobi I've ever met in over 40 years of living this kind of life, Naruto. You don't get to my age, Sensei's age, or even 90 something like your grandfather without being one of the best. I'm not sure about this," His tone became hushed and he leaned towards me, "But I think he had crossed paths with Uchiha Madara and fought him before the founding of Konoha."

Not even all 5 Kage could fight Madara's Edo Tensei, let alone when he was alive.

"What makes you say that?" I asked, keeping my face flat.

"The way he talked about him was in a way that you talk about someone you fought against." Jiraiya replied, "Almost like how I started talking about Hanzo the Salamander."

I refused to ask Jiraiya about that fight, even if I was extremely interested about it. Stuff like that has a way of sticking with you for years after, stuff that you don't like being brought up.

But based on what I'd heard about the first and only Uzukage, I wouldn't be surprised if he had helped the Senju in combatting the Uchiha in a clandestine manner. Blood was blood, and the Uzumaki were an offshoot of the Senju.

"But enough about old war stories," Jiraiya said, his tone shifting again, "What happened in the forest?"

I glanced around the area, not comfortable with it being said here.

Jiraiya seemed to notice and he got up, stretching his legs.

"Outside the gate?" He asked, implying that we could exit the village to talk about it, "It has the added bonus of me wanting to see what you can do without trashing anything inside the village."

That sounded like an excellent idea.

"Yeah," I nodded, taking out some money to pay for my food, "But I'm not paying for your bowl or alcohol." I mock glared at him.

"I'm gonna be training you, gaki," He scoffed, harrumphing at my supposed disrespect, "The least you could do is pay for it."

"You have," I began to say but paused, "Not blood money, but another bodily fluid money from those damn books."

Jiraiya scowled at how I described the money he made from his books.

I was certain that more than a few lonely guys took solace in the company of Rosy Palms and her five sisters with any of Jiraiya's books in hand.

"Don't disrespect the craft, gaki." He muttered, fishing out some money and tossing it on the table, "I'll be sure to make you feel this training session tomorrow."

"You're lovely raven haired lover made sure to do the same thing in the forest," I said, rolling my eyes at him, "Even if I about shit myself from feeling like a damn mouse."

Jiraiya shook his head and walked towards the edge of the village, gesturing me to follow.

"Come on, gaki, try and keep up."

I growled under my breath and tried to catch up, the man not slowing down.

---

Sasuke watched Kakashi's back as he left, he and Rin giving each other a look.

Kakashi had brought the two of them out to one of the training grounds and had just finished saying he would try and find two people to train them because it wouldn't be fair to train one of them when they were facing off against each other.

Once Kakashi was out of earshot, Rin started pacing and growling under her breath.

"This isn't fair," She muttered, before switching to the made up language she and Naruto would speak in sometimes, "If it's not one thing, it's three."

"Rin." he said, but she gave him a warning glare, looking genuinely angry.

He almost recoiled at how much anger was in her gaze, but she shut her eyes and calmed down.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke," She said quietly, "I'm just," She sighed and pressed her fingers against her forehead and groaned, "I'm pissed about something."

Sasuke didn't want to know what had Rin this pissed, to the point that she was quiet when Kakashi had been speaking.

"It's private, so I won't say anything." He offered, knowing Rin and Naruto liked their privacy.

Rin gave him a grateful smile, but it turned back into a frown.

"I don't know who is going to train us," She said, looking almost lost, "Not like anyone will be lining up to train me."

Sasuke frowned slightly at that, realizing she wasn't wrong.

Most of the people he'd seen didn't like the two of them, but people would be lining up to train him, the last loyal Uchiha.

"Would it really matter if we trained together?" He asked, his blonde teammate looking at him with suspicion.

"Trying to find out a way to beat me, Sasuke?" She asked, her eyes narrowed.

"I already know how you fight," He rolled his eyes, causing Rin to cross her arms, "It's not like you'll learn a dozen new jutsu in a month."

"I don't need to have your eyes to learn things, Sasuke," She huffed, "I'm not an idiot."

Sasuke smirked at what she said.

"I couldn't imagine being related," Sasuke mock cringed, noticing her lean towards him as her glare intensified, "It would mean I'm related to Naruto."

Rin blinked at what he said, before she started laughing, realizing what he was joking about.

"You're lucky that Naruto isn't around you as much as me." She said honestly, a little too much seriousness in her voice.

Sasuke noticed how her face tightened as she said that. He started to suspect that what she was angry about was in relation to something Naruto said or did yesterday.

"Are you and Naruto having it out about something?" He asked, tilting his head.

Rin flinched and looked away.

"I don't want to talk about it." She mumbled, her hand ghosting towards her hair.

So it is about Naruto. Sasuke thought, knowing she wouldn't have reacted this way otherwise.

"I won't dig." He said, repeating something Naruto told him, not wanting to think he was like the red haired boy when he pressured him about Itachi, "But you can talk to me if you need to, you know that, right?"

Rin sighed and she nodded her head.

"I know, and I appreciate that," She replied, a soft smile on her face, "But I sometimes feel like no one understands me."

Sasuke tilted his head in confusion, causing Rin to start speaking again.

"Everyone says I'm good," Rin said quietly, her eyes looking down at her feet, "But I'm always falling short of Naruto."

Sasuke was reminded of something else when she said that, something that he didn't like to think about.

"Better than others at taijutsu, but Naruto can beat Lee," She kept going on, "Better at Ninjutsu than most in our year, but Naruto can beat an A-rank with water and lightning."

Rin's fist was clenched.

"He's always so damn secretive and he thinks it doesn't bother me, but it does." Her voice was faint at the end.

Sasuke didn't know what to do. He couldn't say he understood because of what ended up happening with his older brother, which Naruto kept reminding him of. He didn't want to frighten Rin into thinking Naruto might have some bad similarities with Itachi.

Naruto had shown he was willing to be fatally injured, at least fatally for anyone but him and Rin, to protect him. But if that statement Naruto made about Itachi had any truth, he was frightened for his friend and Rin.

If Itachi really did let him live because he couldn't bear the thought of killing him, but was willing to torture him and murder his family, he couldn't imagine what Naruto would do to Rin if he was driven over the edge.

I hate you, Naruto. You're damn theories on what happened is making me doubt. He killed them. It doesn't matter why he did it. I'll kill him one day, even if it's 50 years from now.

Sasuke saw that Rin looked upset, and he cursed himself for getting lost in his thoughts again.

He had lived with the fact that his brother was an evil bastard for almost 5 years now, and Naruto wasn't wrong that it left him shattered.

He didn't want to look at Rin and see himself.

Steeling himself, he put his hand on her shoulder, the girl flinching at the contact.

"Rin," He said, trying to draw up anything that could mimic the way Naruto could assure people, "I know how he can be insufferable, but you know he loves you."

"That's just it," She said with a look of exasperation, "I know he cares, but he cares too much. He hovers over everything and refuses to listen to things unless he's put on the spot. He's acts like my father more than my twin sometimes," Her face then shifted into an expression he'd never seen on her face, "And I hate it." She gritted out, turning away and out of his reach.

I'm going to make you remember this, Naruto. Sasuke said to himself, resigned to having to calm Rin down over her brother being an idiot about things.

When Kakashi had him read that psychoanalysis of Shinobi that served in harsh campaigns, especially Uchiha, he took it to heart. But the way Rin talked about Naruto reminded him of some of the symptoms and behavior patterns mentioned.

Secretive, single-minded, obsessively protective, and above all else...

Violent.

Naruto was the most vicious person he personally knew.

But those types of things were seen in people who had either killed several people in a very messy fashion or those who saw close friends or relatives die.

Naruto hadn't experienced that when he had already shown himself to be violent during the bell test.

What would happen if something like that did happen?

"He's probably having a rough patch because of having to prepare to fight a Jinchuriki." Sasuke said, imagining how difficult it would be to have that hanging over ones head.

He wasn't sure how dangerous Gaara was, but the look in Naruto's eyes made him think that the red haired Jinchuriki was more dangerous than his friend.

Rin eyes were downcast at him bringing that up, her face paling some.

"It's just one more thing he's choosing to deal with on his own."

"How dangerous does having a Bijuu sealed in someone make them?" Sasuke asked, knowing Rin would be the second best to tell him about Bijuu.

He noticed how she understood everything Naruto said about Jinchuriki when he was going through the explanation about the Kumo Jonin and Gaara, of what Jinchuriki were. The way he described Killer B was like someone talking about a serious danger.

Sasuke thought Rin was going to take off running from how her eyes seemed to dilate, her breath hitching.

"W-why do you want to know?" Rin asked, looking frightened.

Sasuke tried to ignore the look on her face, but it wasn't working.

"Naruto looked scared," He explained, trying to stop scaring her for whatever reason this subject was bothering her, "When he was talking about them. If Jinchuriki are dangerous, then I'm going to be prepared to kill that Suna kid if he tries to kill Naruto," He said firmly, "I don't care if it causes Suna to be pissed. I'm not losing a friend."

Rin reacted in a way he couldn't have ever predicted, even if his Sharingan were active.

She hugged him.

She held on to him like he was a lifeline, gripping him tightly.

"Thank you." She whispered, her voice sounding shaky.

Sasuke returned the hug, even if he was uncomfortable.

Rin was his friend, the two of them were. He wasn't going to abandon his friends.

He wasn't him.

"I fought Orochimaru," He whispered to her, pushing her gently to face him, "Naruto and I fought him and made him run. Some foreign Jinchuriki is nothing compared to a Sannin."

He'd overheard Naruto embarrassing Hinata and Ino, describing how pretty their eyes and hair were. What he said about Rin to mess around happened to mirror his thoughts though.

Rin's eyes seemed to shine when she was happy, something that reminded him of how his mother said the eyes were the window into the soul.

And everything was bright when he looked at Rin's.

He didn't care if she didn't have feelings for him now, or if she ever would. She was his friend and teammate, and that was good enough for him.

Rin seemed to relax as he spoke, her face softening when he finished.

"Okay, Sasuke, I understand why now," She then plopped down on the ground, patting the earth for him to sit next to her, "I'll explain what Jinchuriki are and some other stuff mentioned about them by mine and Naruto's clan."

Sasuke huffed and looked at the ground distastefully.

"Too high and mighty for the dirt?" Rin smiled, "I put you in it more than once in taijutsu training."

"That's because you're like Naruto and Lee," Sasuke smirked, "Crazy people are the best at taijutsu."

A tic mark appeared at the side of Rin's head at being called crazy.

"What did I say about calling me crazy?" She said flatly, her eyes narrowing into two vertical, violet slits.

"I'm the Uke, you're the crazy, and Hinata's the princess." Sasuke said simply, sitting down next to her.

"And what does that make Kakashi-sensei?" Rin asked, trying to keep a serious look on her face, but failing judging by her lips twitching.

"The pervert." Sasuke shrugged, not thinking of any other description of his Sensei as any more accurate.

Rin wasn't able to keep up the act and started giggling, not arguing otherwise.

Sasuke leaned back and put his arms behind him, lounging slightly.

Rin eventually stopped laughing and turned to him.

"Well, let's get started on your education." Rin said matter of factly.

"Hai, Rin-sensei." He smirked, causing her to roll her eyes.

He was starting to understand why Naruto was a perpetual smartass that always had to have the last word. It was fun to mess with people and poke their buttons.

"Now, the first thing about Jinchuriki." Rin starting to explain, her hands moving around expressively.

Sasuke just sat back and listened, enjoying the small window of relaxation he was offered, not caring about upcoming fights, Jinchuriki, or troublesome older siblings.

---

Ino was standing in front of her father in their living room, the man looking a mixture of proud and serious.

"The kunoichi you will be facing is Temari, from Suna, correct?" He asked, giving her a speculative look.

Ino nodded.

"Can you tell me what you gathered from the fight you saw between her and Maito Gai's student?"

Ino understood her father was wanting her to explain what she learned to see how good she was at deciphering a plan to win against Temari by seeing what her fighting style was like.

She explained how she was good with wind jutsu and that the blonde Suna girl had avoided getting close to Tenten, pointing to her preferring medium range combat.

"And how would you combat that?" He asked, tilting his head as he had his chin resting on his palm.

Ino frowned and started thinking, wanting to see what her father was trying to hint at.

She thought she got an inkling of what he was getting at.

"I'll need to think of something out of the box," She said in realization, "She'll know I'm a Yamanaka and will be on guard for me trying to control her."

Her father smiled at her answer.

"She'll be setting up a plan to combat what she expects you will do," He said, "So you'll need to be unorthodox."

Ino was listening intently.

"Out of all the kunoichi in Konoha, which one have you encountered that is the most unpredictable?" her father asked, his facial expressions hinting at him not looking forward to what he was going to say.

Ino frowned, running through the different ones. If the goal was to for her to figure out who she should be asking for help in preparation for the finals, that excluded Rin, who was definitely unpredictable.

Kurenai wasn't unpredictable, and Anko...

"Anko?" She asked incredulously.

Her father nodded. "I've already spoken with her and she has agreed to train you for the month."

"Why can't you though?" She asked, not knowing why he couldn't.

She almost didn't catch the flash of worry in his eyes.

"There is a project with Shikaku that I'm working on right now," He replied, "It's time sensitive and will be taking up most of my time."

Ino sighed in resignment, knowing she wasn't going to get assistance from her father.

Secret 'projects' had been the subject of more than one period of time where he'd be absent for a couple weeks.

It wasn't until recently that she realized it had to do with important missions for the village.

"When am I supposed to meet up with her to torture me, Dad?" She asked, giving him a mock glare.

"Today," He replied, scoffing good-naturedly, "And it's training, not torture, my sweet daughter."

"You know what Anko did to us, right Dad?" She asked sarcastically, knowing damn well he knew.

"You could say that." He smirked, "And I made some nice money on whether you'd give up or not."

Ino scowled at what she just heard.

"You bet on me? You're own daughter?"

"You kept to the training and didn't give up," Inoichi said, waving it off like it were nothing, "It's not like I was betting that you'd lose."

Ino fake sniffled and wiped at her eyes.

"I feel so betrayed, daddy." she said sadly, her lower lip trembling.

"Ah," Inoichi waved his finger, shaking his head, "You are not to use that on me."

Ino looked up at him and gave him her customary puppy dog eyes technique, causing him to flinch.

"No." Inoichi shut his eyes and turned away, "I can sense you aren't upset, so stop trying to manipulate me, Ino." He was smiling throughout the scolding he was giving her.

"But daddy." She whined, giggling at him waving his arms slightly to let her know he wasn't actually angry.

"Being an empathic sensor let's me know when people are trying to play games," Inoichi pointed out, "You are trying to manipulate a manipulator."

Ino smiled innocently. "Is it working?" She asked.

Inoichi scoffed.

"It'll be years before you can pull the wool over my eyes, my dear child."

"Hmnn," She slumped in disappointment, "And I thought I was so much better after Naruto." She mumbled.

"What's that about Naruto?" Inoichi asked, looking suspicious.

"He wanted to embarrass me," Ino said, a grin proudly displayed, "But I did better."

At her father's raised brow in question, she explained how she knew Naruto was embarrassed by Hinata wishing him luck, so she did the same thing.

Inoichi sighed and shook his head.

"You're going to be a terror because of your sensing," He put his face in his hands, "What did I think was going to happen?" He asked himself.

"Why aren't you proud of me, daddy?" She asked, pretending to cry.

"Ah, yes, what father wouldn't be proud that his daughter is tormenting a boy?" Inoichi laughed, "I can tell you're like how I was with your mother." He grinned.

Ino felt her face colour at the thought of her father sensing her mom's emotions to tease her.

"W-what?" she stammered, hoping she misunderstood.

"Well," Inoichi smiled, his eyes shining with amusement, "I was able to woo your mother because I had a good read on her emotions. Never thought my daughter would be just like me."

Ino whimpered at the thought her father doing the same thing.

"I'm never doing it again!" She declared, getting up to leave, "I'm going to find Anko, bye!"

She almost ran out her house to stop her dad from saying something else embarrassing.

She didn't hear his triumphant laugh as she left.

---

"What is it, son?" Shikaku asked, his tone bored.

"I don't want to waste time," His son said sharply, having an unfamiliar tenseness in his posture, "So I'm just going to ask. Has our clan ever had an S-rank?"

Shikaku slowly tilted his head, glancing towards the clock that was ticking in his living room.

Sighing, he straightened his posture and looked at his son with a critical gaze.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Yes or no, Dad."

Troublesome. Shikaku scowled to himself, wondering what had gotten into his son.

"My grandfather was an S-rank by the standards of today." He replied, almost seeing the cogs move in his son's mind.

"How?" He asked, looking intently at him.

"Mind explaining first?" Shikaku asked flatly.

Shikamaru's posture tightened further, but he forced himself to relax.

"I know you know that Orochimaru was in the forest," Shikamaru said, his tone offering no room for argument, "Naruto would have told the Hokage, which would mean you would know."

Shikaku remained silent, letting his son continue talking.

"Naruto was almost killed, Dad," Shikamaru looked down, his hand shaking minutely, "Naruto, the troublesome smartass who beat Momochi Zabuza, almost got killed!" He actually raised his voice.

Shikaku was ready to speak whenever he felt the need to, but it wasn't the time yet.

"Whatever the hell causes that damn chakra cloak of his didn't help him." Shikamaru said, his eyes flicking to his.

So, he suspects something.

"I don't know what it is," Shikamaru said promptly, "and I don't care. You would have told me to stay away from him if it was as dangerous as it felt."

Shikaku wasn't precisely relieved, more like validated in his trust in his son being reasonable about it.

"But Naruto said something to me afterwards," Shikamaru's voice started actually shaking, "And I want to talk to you about it."

Shikaku gestured towards the seat next to him.

"Your mom's not here," He said, "It's just us."

His son sat next to him and began explaining what Naruto had said to him, something that had Shikaku racing through different thoughts.

"He wants to be Hokage," Shikaku mused, "And he understands that no matter how strong he'll be, he needs smart and capable subordinates."

"It's not even troublesome," Shikamaru grumbled, "It's bullshit! I wanted to have a typical life, but Naruto has to barge in and ask, not demand, for me to help him. How the hell am I supposed to live how I want to with that hanging over my head if I say no?"

Shikaku understood Shikamaru, truly he did. He wanted a low stress and semi-easy life...But that wasn't a luxury offered to the clan heir of a clan that produced the most tacticians in the village.

"I wish Naruto didn't ask me," Shikamaru whispered, looking almost lost, "I wish I could say no, that I didn't have to make a choice."

"But you've already come to decision, haven't you, son?" Shikaku asked, knowing his son wouldn't have been this aggravated if he was still thinking about it, "You wouldn't have asked about a Nara being an S-rank if you weren't trying to figured out how to possibly make yourself one."

Shikamaru sighed, but nodded.

"How though?" He asked, looking uncertain.

"Hard work, blood, sweat, and a hundred other troublesome things that I wasn't bothered about doing when I was your age." Shikaku replied, seeing his son look resigned to that.

"How can our clan techniques be used to be S-rank?" Shikamaru asked, "I'm not getting anyone killed because I couldn't be bothered to try." His voice adopted a fierceness to it that was foreign in his usually laid-back son.

Shikaku couldn't help but smirk.

His son could go far with the proper motivation, and it seems Naruto almost dying and giving a speech about changing the world was more than enough.

"Chakra," Shikaku answered, "Lots of chakra. We Nara might be smart, but a scalpel can't hold up against a hammer in most cases."

The Nara and Yamanaka were lethal at medium to long range because of their clan jutsu, with the Akamichi acting as a shield and hammer to hold off any close range attack.

But the Nara could get around that if they were smart enough. Any clan jutsu could be made more effective by having plenty of chakra.

"You can always make yourself a bigger scalpel." He said the rather nonsensical statement that he'd heard from a relative some time back.

Shikamaru was listening with all his attention.

"You're still young, your chakra network is still malleable. So, if you're wanting to be able to play with the big players 1 on 1," He looked at his son, "It's going to require chakra exercises. Intense ones."

Shikamaru squinted, thinking of what he meant.

"Exercises to bring your chakra extremely low," Shikaku clarified, "Followed by intense physical exercise and doing it all over again when your chakra replenishes. You'll vomit from exhaustion and will hate every minute of it, but it will raise your reserves."

Shikaku hoped Shikamaru understood what he was asking for. Forcing your tenketsu to expand and stretch without causing damage was extremely difficult and was one step above torturous in how it fatigued you, but it was how clans in the Warring States period went about expanding someone's reserves.

"It can't be as bad as Gai's group training." Shikamaru muttered, causing Shikaku to chuckle darkly.

"It'll be worse," Shikaku said, seeing his son's eyes widen, "Maito Gai's training exhausts your body, while this kind of training will exhaust your body and mind."

Safely inducing chakra exhaustion left you feeling lethargic and fatigued, barely able to string together complex thoughts.

Shikaku knew first hand that a hangover was preferrable to chakra exhaustion.

Shikamaru clenched his fists and glared at him with determination.

"I'm not getting anyone killed. I'm not going to have scars like you, I'm not to lose Choji, Ino, or Asuma-sensei because I wasn't fast or strong enough!" Shikamaru said with a strength in his voice that stirred up pride in Shikaku.

"Then your training starts tomorrow," Shikaku replied simply, getting out of his chair, "I'll be personally training you."

Shikaku had something that needed talked about today, something that included Inoichi, the Hokage, Kakashi, and Jiraiya. It was about how someone had placed explosives throughout the forest during the exams. Shikaku had no idea what was going on, but it had to be something serious, especially if the Sandaime hadn't mentioned it to him as of yet.

---

Hinata was sitting with Hanabi right next to her, their father holding a flat expression on his face.

"I am proud of your performance against the Kumo nin, Hinata." Hiashi told her, his voice tightening at the Kumo part.

"However, Neji is very capable and it will require all of your focus and concentration to be able to defeat him."

Hinata knew that was the case, even if she wished she didn't have to fight her cousin.

"I am ready to put in the effort to defeat Neji-niisan, father." She said quietly, looking directly into her father's eyes.

Hiashi surprised her by actually grimacing.

"There is something I have neglected telling your cousin, and it is something that I should have told him years ago." Hiashi said, an expression Hinata didn't recognize flashing across his face.

Hiashi's gaze focused on her, almost to the point of discomfort.

"Do you wish for me to prepare you for the finals?" He asked.

Hinata blinked in confusion, wondering why he would even ask that. That was just something that didn't need to be said. It was plain as day that her father would be helping her prepare.

"Hanabi," Their father turned to her, "Would you give me and your sister a moment of privacy?" He asked kindly.

It had to be something that was weighing on her father if he was being this polite. Normally, his tone was neutral with some affection added at times. But this was normal for other people, not her father.

"Yes, Tousan." Hanabi said, standing up and walking swiftly away.

After her little sister left, Hiashi turned to face her.

Her father was silent, simply gazing at her with a neutral expression. He eventually closed is eyes and took a deep breath through his nose and slowly exhaled.

"Your cousin is misguided on his views," Hiashi said, his expressions muted, "He is unaware of what transpired after you were almost taken and the death of his father."

Hinata didn't miss how her father's face tightened when he mentioned his twin brother.

"This is something I have not told you, your sister, or Neji," Hiashi said, activating his eyes to ensure no one was either listening or reading his lips, "But I made the decision to die for the village to prevent war."

Hinata gasped in shock, looking at her father in a completely different light.

"You-" She tried to say, but she paused, not knowing how to ask.

"I protected you, and I was ready to die to ensure your childhood would not be marked by war," Hiashi's lips were razor thin, "Nor Hanabi's childhood."

Her father explained several things that occurred, especially that her uncle had volunteered in his stead. Hizashi chose to die for his brother, her father.

"The political landscape was still in flux," Hiashi continued, looking grim, "The Uchiha were our greatest rival for influence at the time, and the less said about the ability of the previous clan heir, the better."

Hinata could understand why the elders were as pushy as they had been up until the infiltrator scared them. The only person she could think of that could be even remotely comparable to Uchiha Itachi as a 13 year old was Naruto.

But it still didn't justify them being cruel and demanding. She could forgive, but she wouldn't forget. The way Naruto and Rin talked about the civilians who were harsh to them was the approach she had taken ever since she became their friend.

"How does this relate to you asking me whether I want you to help me prepare?" Hinata asked her father, not seeing the connection.

"What will Neji think if you are able to defeat him with my help?" Hiashi asked, leading her on, "What will he think if he beats you when you had help from me?"

Hinata thought for a few moments, before looked down and sighed sadly realizing how her cousin would react.

"He would think it was predetermined." She mumbled softly.

"Please look into my eyes, Hinata," Her father requested, which she did, "Yes, he would. This is why I am asking you. You are my daughter and you take precedence. If you desire to be better prepared to fight Neji, I will train you. But if you want to help him see a folly of his that could alienate him from others, I already have someone selected to help you for the next month. She isn't doing anything else and has accepted."

Hinata tilted her head a little in confusion, wondering who it was.

"Who is she?" She asked.

"Yuuhi Kurenai." Her father replied simply, "Her student, Shino, is being prepared by his father, so she isn't doing anything else."

Hinata thought for all of 5 seconds on what to do.

She didn't care about being the most powerful Hyuga. She cared about the important things. She cared about her family, and she cared about her friends.

And helping her cousin was something she wasn't going to let slip away.

"I want to help Neji." She replied, looking her father directly in his eyes, his eyes reminding her of Hanabi's.

Hiashi nodded and gave her a slight smile.

"I am not surprised. You were always more like your mother."

Hinata never failed to smile when her father talked about the similarities she had with her mother, the small comments helping her feel closer to her, even years after her death.

"I will have a message sent to Jonin Yuuhi to inform her of your acceptance." Hiashi said, standing up.

Hinata mirrored her father and stood up as well, smiling as the two of them left the room.

---

"Alright, gaki," Jiraiya shouted, standing several yards away from me, "Show me what you're made of!"

I huffed and readied myself, looking forward to swapping hands with my second Sannin.

We were in an open space that was out of the village, completely void of anything that couldn't afford to be destroyed by big jutsu.

"Gonna give an after spar critique to see where I'm at?" I asked, expecting that to be the case.

"Uh huh," Jiraiya nodded, shifting into a taijutsu stance, "I'm not going to play guess work on where you're at on progress. Fighting someone tells you more than anything else."

"Damn straight!" I shouted, agreeing 100%.

What better way to know how someone fights than to fight them? You can be excellent in Ninjutsu or taijutsu, but if you choke when you hear screaming or catch a punch to the face, it doesn't matter that you're touted as a prodigy. Dead is dead.

An eery silence seemed to engulf us, neither of us saying a word as a soft wind whistled across the grassy plain.

I broke the silence by making several shadow clones, ordering them to take a defensive position.

Jiraiya's chakra was in a similar bracket to Orochimaru's in its overall presence, feeling like I was staring at an inferno.

And he wasn't concealing it at all now.

I pulsed lightning chakra into my brain and Shunshined at him, beginning the fight.

The spinning kick I drove into Jiraiya's arm was stopped by his forearm, the limb not moving at all.

I sent several punches towards his face and chest, each getting blocked or pushed aside.

One of the kicks I lashed out with went over his head as he ducked it, driving a kick of his own into my side.

I felt it hit my ribs and I got sent to the ground.

Jiraiya didn't press for the advantage and avoided the water jutsu sent at him by one of my clones.

He leaped over it and flung a kunai at the clone with a lot of heat, the construct barely slashing at it with a chakra blade.

"Predictable!" He laughed as he landed, hopping from one foot to the next, "No reason to have them sitting there with their dicks out."

Growling under my breath, I jumped up and shouted at them, each of them blitzing Jiraiya with a Shunshin and chakra blades.

Jiraiya charged forward to close the distance and punched one and popped it, ducked a swing from another, and spun 360 and kicked a few of them with enough force to knock them back.

I saw a fraction of an opening and made a single hand seal, using a reliable jutsu of mine.

Suiton: Teppodama.

A sizable ball of water tore a trench through the grass, the ground getting lifted up some on its way towards Jiraiya.

The ball of water got sent at Jiraiya with some decent velocity, judging by his eyes widening.

My surviving clones got eviscerated by it and Jiraiya's chakra vanished underground.

The bastard sunk into the earth.

I Shunshined away when I felt his presence near me, not wanting to get touched.

Jiraiya rose from the ground where I had been, looking at me with interest.

"How can you use the Shunshin like that without tripping?" He asked, looking impressed.

"Rudimentary Lightning Cloak," I answered, "I can process things faster, but the physical speed part and the armour are out of reach for me right now."

Jiraiya looked at me incredulously.

"How the hell could you make that kind of progress at 13?" He asked, before he glanced towards where my clones got destroyed, "Hah, Kage bunshin?!"

I smirked and nodded.

"You either have no brains to damage or you heal faster. Which is it?" He laughed, looking absolutely giddy at the prospect of training me.

I scoffed at the jab.

"That's rich coming from the dead last of his class. I'm the resident prodigy of my generation, old man."

Jiraiya didn't miss a beat.

"Gaze upon the field on which I grow my fucks," he threw his arms out and looked around the empty plain we were standing at, "And you shall find that it is barren."

"I am the Great Toad Sage of Mount Myuboku! A Sannin!"

Jiraiya was forbidden from being a smartass. I was the king of the smartasses in Konoha.

"You leave me no choice," I said solemnly, pinging out my sensing to make sure he didn't pull any shit underground, "I must speak the truth, even if it hurts you."

Jiraiya laughed and readied himself.

"Like anything you could say could anger me."

I smirked as I shouted words that was sure to change his mind.

"Ero-sennin!"

Jiraiya's face dropped, his eyes glinting dangerously.

"You insolent little gaki," He clutched at his chest, "You look like you need a mental readjustment." he then tapped his head to get the message across.

"Insolence?" I asked incredulously, "Hah! I'm an Uzumaki. I don't even know what that means!"

Before Jiraiya could say anything else, I Shunshined at him again, drawing my sword.

Jiraiya sunk into the ground and did some kind of jutsu that caused earthen spikes to shoot out where he was at, shooting towards me.

I avoided them and slashed one with enough force to make it crumble, still trying to pursue Jiraiya.

He ended up not rising out of the ground instantly, doing something that had me suspicious.

I felt his chakra spike and my eyes widened, scrambling to get away.

A massive fire dragon tore out of the ground, ripping a large section the earth away and glassing the rest from the intense heat.

Jiraiya jumped up and charged at me full speed, the man a red and white blur.

A kunai was in his hand and he smashed it into my guard, my arms straining from holding my sword in place to stop the kunai.

Jiraiya pulled back and drove a kick at me, the clang of his sandal hitting my sword against it being audible.

He pushed off the kick, almost causing me to fall from how heavy he was. Using the momentum as a springboard, he spun in the air and made multiple hand seals.

Katon: Gokakyu no Jutsu.

He shot a fireball at me while he was in midair, which I avoided with a Shunshin.

I stopped about 50 yards away and stared at him, temporarily shocked by the speed he showed.

Jiraiya charged at me again, his face serious.

I slashed at him as he got into range, but he shifted away from the swing. I followed it up with a stab that transitioned into a flurry of slashes and ended with me pushing chakra through the blade and lengthening it.

Jiraiya narrowly avoided the last one, his sleeve getting cut.

He didn't slow down and managed to get inside my guard, forcing me to drop my sword.

He smashed several punches into my arms, trying to break through.

I couldn't match his physical strength. He was a 6,3 and stacked son of a bitch that was considered one of the most dangerous nin alive, with mid to high Kage level reserves.

I couldn't do the same thing I did with Lee and let myself get hit. A hit could break ribs, instead of bruising them.

A jab pushed passed my arm and struck my face, but I was able to shift under the next one and countered with a punch at his face.

He caught my punch and drove a knee into my ribs, causing me to stumble from the impact.

He sneaked in a punch to my face and knocked me back further, jumping slightly off the ground and kicking at my chest with both legs as he was horizontal.

I barely got my arms in position and got launched from the powerful kick.

I was sent back, hitting the ground hard from the momentum.

Fighting through the numbness in my arms from blocking the hit, I readied myself.

Jiraiya picked up the sword, glanced at it for a moment, before strapping an exploding tag on it.

"The fuck?" I demanded, seeing him toss it away from him.

"You can't use it for the rest of the fight. Never drop a chakra conductive blade."

I gave him a 'really' look and spiked a golden chakra blade from my hand, specifically my middle finger.

Jiraiya scoffed at the action.

"Try doing that if a Hyuga closes your tenketsu."

"You ain't got the eyes or a 10 foot pole up your ass." I deadpanned, making another dozen shadow clones.

Jiraiya again laughed.

"You really aren't like your father during battlefield banter. You're like me."

"A pervert that doesn't know when to shut up?" I asked, still on guard and thinking of a plan.

"Yes, exactly." Jiraiya nodded with a grin.

I finished our little back and forth by making hand seals as fast as I could, yelling at my clones in English.

They Shunshined away, circling us as I launched a water jutsu at Jiraiya.

Suiton: Water Severing Wave.

I shot a condensed line of water out of my mouth, aiming straight for Jiraiya.

He blurred through seals of his own, slamming his palm into the ground.

Doton: Mud Wall.

A massive wall of earth rose up to stop my jutsu.

The wall held against the Jutsu, but several cracks appeared along the surface.

Jiraiya probably didn't expect my clones to fire a couple of lightning jutsu at it, before charging at it.

The wall exploded and revealed Jiraiya, who looked shocked.

My clones, each of them with a Rasengan in hand, charged at the Sannin.

Jiraiya didn't move, he just stood still.

I realized it had to be a decoy when my clones got wiped out when a seal tag attached to 'Jiraiya' went off, blowing up my clones.

"Damnit." I cursed, pushing out my sensing to try and find him.

I didn't jump up in time and got a kunai slash along my calf as he grabbed from underneath me.

I hissed in pain and staggered away, tossing a kunai with an explosive tag attached to it at the bastard.

Jiraiya sunk under the ground and moved several meters away from the explosion, popping back up again seconds later.

"You know some pretty impressive jutsu," Jiraiya said happily, looking at the torn up landscape, "Water and lightning work well in tandem, just like fire and earth."

"I'm going to learn earth release as a third." I said, seeing how well Jiraiya had been using it.

Jiraiya waved at me dismissively.

"Not until you work on your efficiency. You're burning at least three times the amount you should be."

"You try having Kage level reserves before you even graduate," I scowled, remembering how stupidly difficult it was to keep pace with my reserves growing as I got older, "It's only been the last 6 months where Rin and I have been able to out pace our chakra growth, mainly because our growth rate stopped jumping up and down like a toad having a seizure."

Chakra growth normally had a steady growth curve, but a few people had unpredictable spikes in growth, before going back to normal.

It happened with Rin and me, only to be made worse by Kurama.

I saw Jiraiya adopt a predatory grin, relaxing his stance.

"Fights over," he said, walking over to the trees, "You're about as good, maybe better than, your father was at thirteen."

Probably embellishing dad's ability at the time. Whatever.

He then popped out a chair from a storage scroll, but ignored it and was walking around and stretching his limbs to ward off cramping I assume.

I walked over towards him, grimacing at the itching from the cut on my leg closing.

When I got up close to him, he glanced at my leg.

"You need that bandaged?" he asked, still stretching his legs.

I shook my head and lifted up my pants leg, showing him that the cut was almost closed.

"Hmm," He looked at it with a tilt of his head, "Does Rin heal as fast? Kushina didn't."

"The fox's chakra acts like a whetstone for our healing, from what I've gathered," I said, "My mom's seal was supposedly tighter and her chakra suppressed his."

"Him." Jiraiya muttered to himself, "You on speaking terms with it?"

"Yeah," I sat down on the ground, looking at the sun, which was still high in the sky, being in the afternoon, "He's an asshole, but he's fun to talk with. You wanna say hi?"

Jiraiya looked a bit taken aback, but he recovered and nodded.

"Sure. Never talked to Bijuu before. And I'll make sure he knows that he's trapped in there because I taught Minato."

Smirking at the shit I was about to stir up, I nudged Kurama with my chakra.

Hey, fox, quit licking your balls and say hi to my godfather. I said to him.

"Fuck you, meatbag," He said flatly, "I could feel your chakra diminishing, meaning you were training or sparring. I need amusement, so entertain me."

The guy who taught my dad Fuinjutsu is my godfather. I snickered, hearing the fox growl, You sure you don't want to say hi?

Kurama kept growling, but he stopped to speak.

"Say the exact words I'm saying," He said, sounding more sinister than he usually was, "If I ever get out of this seal, I'm going rip his limbs off and drown him by pissing on him."

"Well," I said, getting Jiraiya's attention, "That's awkward."

"What did he say?" Jiraiya asked with a bored tone, acting unconcerned.

Kurama had to have felt the glee I had, because I vaguely heard him try and speak.

"He finds you irresistible and wants to spray you with his fluids."

I never thought I could get Jiraiya to do a spit take, but I did by wording what a freaking Bijuu said in the worst way imaginable.

Jiraiya was hit by a coughing fit that was drowned out by Kurama roaring at me.

"I didn't fucking say that, you little shit!" He shouted, my own chakra twitching from how pissed he got.

Jiraiya eventually recovered and glared at me.

"He didn't say that." Jiraiya said flatly, refusing to believe it.

"Technically-" I said in a single song voice, but Jiraiya held up a hand.

"Just repeat it verbatim, please." Jiraiya said, giving me a distrustful look.

"He wants to rip your limbs off and drown you by pissing on you." I recited, hearing Kurama huff in anger.

"And yet," Jiraiya scoffed, "He's the pet of the Shodai and got sealed."

Kurama should have known better than to bring Rin in this, but that was a sore subject for him.

"I'm deeper inside your goddaughter than you've ever been in any prostitute you paid to fuck!" He snarled, before he went quiet.

I froze and could almost see Kurama in my mindscape, even if I was conscious.

"What'd he say?" Jiraiya asked, seeing me get quiet.

"I will force open the connection and beat off in front of a full body mirror, fox." I mind glared at the fox, feeling him actually back down.

I realized I said that out loud when Jiraiya started laughing his ass off.

"What the hell did he even say?" he managed to say clearly, his eyes shining with curiousity.

I repeated what he said, causing Jiraiya to scowl.

You know I'll do it too. I said mentally this time.

"You're enough of a freak to do it in public," Kurama snarked back, "You Uzumaki are some of most insatiable humans I've had the misfortune of knowing existed."

I'm pretty sure whatever degeneracy made a septic scrotum like you rubbed off on me and my predecessors. I shot back, snickering at the muttered "Fuck you." Just don't corrupt Rin, and we'll be good.

Kurama scowled and went to sulk in the corner, annoyed by my comment.

"-ruto. Naruto!" I felt the flat end of a kunai hit the side of my head.

I jumped like I'd been shot and grabbed at my head, glaring at Jiraiya.

"Quit flirting with the giant, death fox and pay attention." He said, twirling another kunai on his pinky.

"I was putting the fox in his place," I narrowed my eyes, wincing at the bruise on my head shifting with my expression, "He's sulking now."

Jiraiya scoffed and sat down in his chair.

"Never thought my godson would be proud of winning a verbal argument with a voice in his head."

"Never thought my godfather would be tricked and deceived by a Henge of a pretty girl," I countered, "Especially when a brothel is just on the other side of the village.

"Not the same," Jiraiya scoffed, "Paying for it isn't as fun. It's like the difference between buying meat at a market instead of hunting the animal itself."

And there goes all the fond memories of me going out hunting in my previous life.

"I hate that I understand that." I muttered, the white haired man letting out a snort of amusement.

"And how would know where the brothel is?" He asked, looking at me suspiciously, "Is my innocent godson not so innocent?"

I looked at him with a deadpan expression.

"Did you forget that I said the hot springs are my stomping grounds?"

"There's a difference between staring at the luscious bodies of women and partaking in the pleasures of the flesh, young man." he said sagely, smiling in a way that meant he was serious.

Sighing, I answered. "No, I have not Henged to look older and screw prostitutes."

"But why not?" He asked, still trying to mess with me, "You're smart enough to know how fun it would be."

Jiraiya had to have received letters about me understanding things more than a 13 year old should. He wouldn't be trying to rib me about this without knowing.

"If I'm going to sleep with a woman," I scowled, "I don't want her smelling like half the male population of Konoha."

"Wait wait wait," Jiraiya said sharply, cutting in, "How good is your sense of smell?"

That question had me cringing at the memories. I can tell the difference between women and guys. And the entire red light district was a hellscape for me. The entire area reeked of sweaty, unwashed bodies, and carnal exertions. It was no wonder the Inuzuka steared clear of it too.

Rin wouldn't know because she didn't explore that area like I did when I was bored.

"Almost like an Inuzuka," I said, "It's disgusting when you can tell the difference between repeat customers for the brothels because they smell like multiple women."

Jiraiya gave me a look of sympathy, before it shifted into a grin.

"Can you smell pheromones like some of them can?" Jiraiya asked, "Are the rumours true about Inuzuka females going into heat?"

"What the hell kind of question is that?" I sputtered, aghast at the question.

"I must know," he said seriously, opening a storage scroll and pulling, "The sake of one of my novels is at stake, Naruto!"

I realized what Jiraiya wanted.

"I'm not letting you use me to gather information on what girls smell like." I said flatly.

"I'll give you a percentage of the earnings." Jiraiya said immediately, looking dead serious.

Tempting.

"Not enough." I replied, "What else?"

"Advice on how to make girls happy."

I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Define 'happy'."

"Shinobi need to train to be good," Jiraiya said with an educational tone, "Same goes for pleasing women."

I growled in disgust.

"I don't need the sex talk," I felt my eye twitch, "Kakashi was fumbling over himself to explain that when I smelled blood on Rin."

Jiraiya's demeanor was derailed by that, his face turning a slight shade of green.

"Oh Kami, that sucks."

I twitched at the 'Oh Kami' part, but nodded with a grimace.

Jiraiya shook himself and continued talking.

"I'm not talking about the birds and the bees, gaki," He explained, "I'm talking about seduction." He started laughing the moment he said the word.

If this is how I sound when I'm being a smartass, I can understand why Sasuke gets all pissy about it.

"You look like you want to kill me, so I'll cut it out." Jiraiya lifted up his hands, "But I'll answer any question you have about stuff like that. I don't care how strange it sounds to you, I've either heard it or done it."

That's a disturbing image.

"So," Jiraiya lounged back, a notebook in hand, "Any questions?"

I scoffed and decided to have some fun.

---

"Tits are not the game breaker, ero-sennin." Naruto said exasperatedly, "The whole is greater than the some of its parts. And tits are only two parts!"

Jiraiya groaned under his breath, glancing down at the collection of notes surrounding them.

The two had been at it for almost two and a half hours, putting together notes on one of the books he was working on.

"Almost all my readers love well endowed female characters," Jiraiya countered, seeing his godson throw his arms up in irritation, "And bubbly butts are a close second."

"Have you actually checked the number difference between sales in the Hidden villages compared to civilians that don't live here?" he asked.

"What are you getting at?" Jiraiya raised a brow, suspecting Naruto had thought of something.

"Certain books will probably have certain sales differences based on the average physique of kunoichi compared to civilian women."

Jiraiya gave Naruto a piercing look, trying to connect the dots.

"Give me a moment." He said, rummaging through his bag.

He was an excellent record keeper for his finances, the funding of his spy network necessitated it. He pulled out the copy of the earnings he made from Hi no Kuni from his latest book.

He sifted through the papers and handed the stack to Naruto, letting him look at them.

Naruto's eyes darting across the sheets, his eyes moving at a rapid.

I swear, if he's using the speed enhancement. He smirked to himself.

Minato and Kushina would be horrified that their son was having serious discussions about the plot for an Icha Icha book.

The surprising part, he wasn't a wet behind the ears gaki that would blush the moment someone said 'boobies'.

He understood the aspects of relationships, not just the concept of attraction.

Naruto had emotional intelligence on an entirely different level for one his age. And it would serve him well, whether it be something as lowly as becoming Hokage.

Or something as grand as being a peerless lady's man and all around pervert.

If anything, he didn't need to find the three genin who snuck into the hot springs, Naruto was perfectly suitable.

"Here," Naruto said, pulling him from his thoughts, "Sales on this book were lower in the capital, but significantly better in Konoha."

Jiraiya glanced down, noticing it was from one of the books that had a few more accuracies to Shinobi life than his other ones.

"What's the point?" Jiraiya asked, interested in Naruto's hypothesis on why.

"Civilians that don't interact with Shinobi as often, like in the capital, don't find stories that have realism in them appealing," Naruto said, glancing towards the numbers, "Shinobi like that shit and so do the civis that are around us. They like the tough and muscular women that are sleek, like predators."

"Speaking from experience?" Jiraiya asked with a smirk.

Naruto shrugged.

"What can I say, I like strong girls."

"Just like your old man." Jiraiya slapped him on the back, causing the red haired boy to pitch forward from the hit.

"Will you stop doing that so hard?" He demanded.

Jiraiya cracked a grin.

"That's what she said."

Naruto growled under his breath, muttering something.

"Ero-sennin."

"If that catches on with Rin, I'm going to be very upset." Jiraiya said simply, slightly annoyed by the hundredth time Naruto had called him that.

The impertinence of youths these days.

"But back to what I was saying," Naruto redirected back to the previous subject, "The books you wrote that involve kunoichi being the main female lover of the strapping young hero sell the best among Shinobi and civilians here. Guys probably have a fantasy to 'conquer' a powerful and willful woman, while women may delight in imagining themselves as the female, their intrinsic desirability driving even the most steadfast and dutiful Shinobi to go through hell and back just to have them."

Jiraiya had the widest grin he had in a long time on his face. The dissection of something so perverted into a science was interesting to see.

"How did you think of that hypothesis, Professor?" He asked amusedly, seeing Naruto perk up at the nickname.

"Well, my apprentice," Naruto went along with the joke, "The use of Kage bunshin to spy on civilians as they openly and shamelessly gazed at the kunoichi and Shinobi caused me to start thinking on why."

Jiraiya was internally laughing his ass off at Naruto went about explaining it so clinically.

"It doesn't matter how much you try to hide it," Jiraiya smirked, "You're as big of a pervert as me."

Naruto gave him an innocent look.

"What are you talking about, ero-sennin?" He asked softly, causing him to twitch at the name, "It's not like camophlage has ever been used by those that stalk their prey until they pounce." He stressed the last word with a toothy grin.

Jiraiya reached out and patted Naruto on the shoulder, more gently this time.

"I have a worthy successor." Jiraiya said proudly, looking at his smirking godson.

They didn't talk about the stuff that happened with Orochimaru or anything else. That could wait till tomorrow.

He'd get better acquainted with Rin after the issue with Suna's Jinchuriki was resolved, which couldn't happen sooner.

At least Naruto was damn good with Ninjutsu, not even including how fast and strong he was.

He could train the kid to be Kage level within a couple years, not even including the two Celestial Gates he could open now or the interest he had in the Hiraishin.

Senjutsu was another beast as well.

The thought of what Naruto was capable of if he mastered the last two almost had his mind spinning. He truly believed, now that he had talked with him and seen him fight, that Naruto would be the change needed to make the world a better place.

He glanced up at the sky, seeing how the light was fading.

He signaled for Naruto to pack up and leave, which he did and put up the papers.

The two left the broken flat area and returned back to the village, a couple amusing thoughts going through his head.

Naruto was a shit talker through and through, and a perverted one at that. That was the most fun he had in a long time, trading barbs with what was basically a younger him.

He could understand his Sensei growing old if he had to put up with that all the time, no matter how hilarious it was.

I need to find out if there's any girls he likes. He snickered to himself, glancing down at the boy. It'll be fun.

He'll ask about any possibilities on a potential lead to identify the 3 unknown genin tomorrow, it could wait.

The two parted ways and Jiraiya went towards a hotel to check in, a spring in his step as he whistled a tune he'd heard decades ago.

---

End Chapter:

That was fucking fun to write! Jiraiya meets Naruto, and the little bastard knows how to mess with the best!

Next chapter ties up some of the stuff from the other Povs, but it will probably focus more on Naruto, mainly because he's preparing for Gaara.

The next chapter will include some more shenanigans with Jiraiya, including his investigation into the Densetsu no Hentai.

The original plan I had for this story, the very original, before I wrote the first chapter, was that Naruto didn't have the Yin half in him. He wasn't a Jinchuriki. The villagers would have, from Naruto's perspective, been more hostile to Rin, who still had the yang half, and him, causing him to truly hate them. Think of how the story would have been different if only his sister had been a Jinchuriki and how his mentality about who the 'protag' is would be much more towards the front. The story was going to be extremely dark, with the hypocrisy of his hatred for what Sasuke and Itachi did being noticeable. Orochimaru was always going to have an interest in him.

With no Kurama, a perceived hostile civilian population, with the Uchiha police being 'complicit', and a godfather that thinks Rin is the Child of Prophecy, how do you think the natural progression would have gone? Kurama was the only reason the curse mark was burned off.

Anyway, I'll leave you with this chapter and I hope you all have a great day.

Raging.