Set between seasons 1 and 2
TW: Discussions of abuse and rape. Please if you feel like this could trigger you in any way skip this chapter. This is a present theme in Nikita and Alex's lives and there would be chapters on here discussing these topics and their trauma. You will always be warned before every chapter.
Michael and Nikita had settled for the night in a motel. It had become their normal living situation. With Division after them, they couldn't afford to stay in one place for very long. They were managing. As long as they were together everything was going to be okay. They were an awesome team. It was also really great being together all the time. The couple spent every minute of the day together. Something they couldn't afford until now. It still felt incredibly new to both of them. They would catch themselves randomly staring at the other as if it was still a dream. However, it was way better than any dream.
It had been an exhausting day and they were ready to call it a night early. Nikita got in the shower first while Michael took care of their stuff then he went to shower after her. When he returned Nikita was sprawled on the bed laying on her stomach. He chuckled. His girl had beaten the shit out of some mobsters and saved both of their asses so she deserved her rest.
He couldn't help but grin. She was so cute. He couldn't wait to just wrap his arms around her and have some peace at least for a little bit. He got dressed and hurried to join her in bed. He didn't think she was actually asleep already. It usually took some tossing and turning and his touch to help her doze off.
He hovered over her and with a gentle hand started rubbing her back and into her hair. He loved playing with her hair and he knew she enjoyed it too. Michael tried to nudge her a bit to the side so he could lay down. Before he knew it he was forcefully flipped on his back with Nikita on top ready to throw punches. He luckily managed to react before anything happened. He grabbed her hands and intertwined their fingers trying to soothe her. He assumed she had a nightmare.
There was no other reason she would react like that. It must have been a really bad one if she was ready to attack, he assumed. Her eyes were full of fear and rage at the same time. It took her a minute to recognise it was him underneath her. That still didn't calm her down.
"Hey, It's okay it's okay. I'm here. it's just me." he brought their joined hands to his lips and kissed her knuckles. That usually always helped. But this time she pulled as far away from him as possible. She was breathing hard, tears running down her face. But she wasn't crying. There was no sound coming from her except her heavy breathing. Michael was terrified. He didn't know what to do. It was like she was scared of him. How was he supposed to comfort her if he was the one that seemed to cause her panic.
"Baby, It's me, Michael. We are in a motel room. It's about nine o'clock. We were getting ready to go to sleep…." He continued to whisper and kept his distance. He had seen soldiers having panic attacks when he served. This method seemed to work with them. It grounded them and deescalated the situation.
Michael didn't know if it was working in this case though. Nikita was just frozen standing up in the corner of the room staring somewhere in the distance. Her breathing at least had seemed to even out which he took as a good sign.
"I'm sorry, I just need a minute" she mumbled and locked herself in the bathroom. She never thought something like this would happen after all these years. Especially with Michael. She felt so safe in his arms. She couldn't believe she attacked him like that. He didn't deserve it. Why did she never attack the men that actually took advantage of her. She washed her face in an effort to fully wake up and calm down.
Michael had no idea what was going on and he was very worried. His heart was screaming for him to go get her and make sure she's okay, but his head protested. She said she needed a moment and he should respect that. He didn't want to push her in any way.
He felt like she was in there for ages though. He started pacing around the room until eventually, he worked up the courage to go up to the door "Love, please open the door" he couldn't hide the worry in his voice. He wanted to remain calm. She needed that. Whatever was going on he knew she was very distressed.
Nikita knew she couldn't stay in the bathroom forever. She just didn't know what to say to him. He deserved an explanation and an apology. He didn't sound mad at least. Quickly Nikita realized the thoughts running through her mind. The old fears and trauma were showing their faces. This was Michael. The person who fiercely protected her and loved her unconditionally. He never made her feel bad about herself and he never would.
She slowly opened the door. Her head down, refusing to meet his eyes. A breath of relief escaped Michael upon seeing her. He thought he would have to beg her to come out all night and he would have done it with no hesitation.
"Nikita?" he spoke gently. He slowly reached for her, watching for any kind of reaction. She didn't pull away so he continued. One hand took hers and the other brushed her hair out of her face cradling her cheek. "Baby, look at me" he whispered, rubbing the tears away from her beautiful face. She did and was met by the most loving and concerned gaze. It almost made her tear up all over again. She felt guilty for her reaction earlier. Michael was able to read the expression on her face and his heart broke. She was embarrassed. From what?
Just as she began to apologize he pulled her in his arms and didn't let her continue.
"Are you okay? You scared me so bad. Don't lock yourself in there anymore, please"
She melted in his arms and all the walls she had built crumbled down. She couldn't fight the tears anymore. She tightened her hold around his waist clutching his shirt in a fist. He cradled her head and kept whispering in her ear followed by kisses on her temple every now and then.
"It's okay. I'm right here. You're safe. I love you"
Michael was ready to stand like that with her as long as she needed to. It soothed his nerves too having her so close. She pulled away slightly. Their foreheads touching and their intense look into each other's eyes helped her take hold of her emotions.
"Do you want to move to sit down maybe?" he asked her. He assumed she probably wouldn't want to lay down just yet. She nodded but didn't move away from him. He maneuvered them awkwardly to sit down on the bed. He had her between his legs facing him. His arms around her still caressing her gently. She had stopped crying but tears were still evident on her face. He wiped them away and tucked her hair behind her ears out of her face.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" he finally decided to ask. They couldn't just brush away the incident. It was obviously something serious. And it affected her badly. He had to get to the bottom of this. It was going to help her also if they talked about it. She shouldn't bury it inside and fight it alone. He wouldn't push her though if she didn't want to right now.
"I mean we kind of have to, I tried to hurt you." she murmured, breaking eye contact. Michael lifted up her chin. He had never seen her so unsure of herself. "No, we absolutely don't have to. It's up to you. I only care if you are okay and I know you didn't try to hurt me. You were trying to hurt someone else"
His tone was serious to make her realize that he was there for her. She took hold of one of his hands and intertwined their fingers holding tight. She took a deep breath working up the courage to be honest with him but most importantly to let herself be vulnerable in front of someone like that.
"I never talked about this with anyone. Even Alex doesn't know the full extent of it. Gary was abusive to me in many - different ways" her heart kept beating faster and faster. Michael returned her strong hold of his hand and renewed his soothing touches. Of course, that bastard had to do with all of this. He wished he had beaten the shit out of him back then before Roan shot him. He didn't deserve a quick death. Even Nikita breaking his wrist was merciful.
"It started verbally then quickly turned physical. When I became a teenager he started acting weird around me when he was wasted. I didn't think much of it until one night- " she took a deep breath and decided to just spit it out hoping it would haunt her less "one night I woke up and found him in my room sitting across my bed on a chair just staring at me. He was half-naked. As soon as he saw me awake he stocked over to me like I was his prey. I saw that fucking smug smile on his face and I just knew what was going to happen."
Michael clenched his jaw trying to hide his fury. She needed him to be stable and calm right now. He couldn't let her down. She was letting him in and he couldn't screw this up because of his emotions.
"I fought and screamed. I chucked my bedside lamp at him. That woke her up (Caroline). " Nikita still refused to use her name. Gary might have been a piece of shit but she knew that from the very start. Caroline on the other hand betrayed her in the worst way possible, scarring her for the rest of her life.
Michael guessed who she was talking about. Amanda briefly discussed her work on each recruit with him. He knew their background and the issues they were dealing with. Amanda had mentioned Nikita's living situation and her resentment towards her foster mom. She never went into details but it was obvious most of the time how their lives continued and turned out.
"She came in and pulled him out of my room. They fought that night. I blocked my door with the dresser scared he was going to try again. The next morning it was like nothing had happened. I tried talking to her but she shut me off. Gary was back to his normal shitty self. Nothing happened in the following weeks so I assumed it was a one-time incident. Until one night he came back wasted again. I heard him. In an abusive household, you kind of learn what each creek of the floor means and who is walking around in what direction."
She got closer, burrowing from Michael's strength. She was getting around to the memory that caused her to have a violent flashback. "He stayed downstairs for a while. I heard him watching TV. I was still awake and got scared that if he came in he was going to try and do it again so I took these sleeping pills that I had stolen from their room. She had problems falling asleep. They weren't strong but enough to knock you out so you would fall asleep instantly and wouldn't wake up throughout the night"
Michael had to take a deep breath here. He was holding her tight bracing himself for her next words "He had come into my room at some point. Staring at me like before I assume. I guess he got impatient cause this time I didn't wake up so he went for it. I used to sleep face down on my stomach all the time."
It hit Michael. He cursed himself just imagining what she felt a few moments ago because of him. "I woke up and felt this huge weight on me. I was trapped pressed down into the mattress. The adrenaline hit and again I screamed and fought. I knew she could hear me and I was waiting for her any second. She just stood in the hallway. I saw her. At that moment she died for me. Gary was wasted so he didn't have a strong hold on me. I tried kicking using my fists but he was still heavier than me and I wasn't able to move a lot. Panic truly hit me then. He started taking his pants off and that's when I struck. He stumbled back and I was able to get away from him. I was throwing all my stuff at him screaming bloody murder. He got scared cause I was getting way too loud so he cussed me out and murmured that I would pay for this and slammed the door."
Michael decided to finally speak seeing how drained she already was. "So when I neared you like that you were taken back to - I'm so sorry, my love. I thought you were awake. I would never-" His eyes started watering but he would not allow himself to break. Nikita immediately reached out to comfort him "Please don't. This wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. In fact quite the opposite. You've always made me feel so safe and loved and that is why I'm sharing this with you."
"I attacked you because it triggered that response. Every time he tried again we would just beat the shit out of each other. Ending in heavy bruising for both. He was never able to fully assault me"
"Fully assault you?" He was scared to even ask what that meant.
"Yeah, he got close many times and they were other stuff but I rather just leave it at that," She said what she wanted to say. She didn't like thinking about that part of her past. She was in a totally different place now.
" I know this was very hard and painful I could imagine. Thank you for trusting me" she leaned in and kissed him. God, did she love this man.
"I want you to promise me that you will always tell me if I ever do or say something that makes you feel uncomfortable, not to even mention getting you so distressed. You can also always come and talk to me about it. I may not know exactly what to say but I will listen and support you no matter what. You can always find comfort and safety in me" he breathed over her lips locking his eyes with her intensely.
She smiled for the first time that evening and Michael felt the world stop. It was his turn to kiss her. Breaking their kiss she whispered "I promise" They held each other in their arms tightly until peace finally washed over them. Their exhaustion started creeping up on them.
She husked in his ear "Can you read again tonight?" he felt her sweet smile and chuckled. He knew she secretly liked him reading to her at night.
"Of course" He stole a last kiss from her and they settled into bed curling against each other. Michael started reading and soon his soothing voice and tight hold got her to fall asleep. He stared at her for a while admiring his strong, amazing girl. And soon he fell asleep as well joining her in sweet slumber.
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