He comes across Severus again in the faculty lounge. Of course, Voldemort has seen the man before, but he'd always let Quirrell interact with him, unwilling to give Severus any clues that something is amiss—he's always been too observant for his own good.

This time, however, Quirrell is fast asleep, resting inside his own mind, and Voldemort is alone in a room with Severus Snape. Voldemort briefly considers jostling Quirrell out of his rest, but that would take several minutes of intense concentration and Severus would surely notice. So, instead, he resigns himself to carefully not making eye-contact with the other man. Severus has always been a very private person, so surely he will not start a conversation if someone else doesn't, either. Everything will be fine.

And then Severus starts a conversation.

"I've heard that you've finally managed to get situated," Severus drawls, pouring tea out of a kettle that's enchanted to never be empty. Marvelous invention, truly, but it would be more marvelous if Voldemort could observe it in peace.

Instead, he gives Severus an unsteady smile and says, "I h-have."

"And it seems that your students find you to be exceptionally knowledgeable. I must say, after the fool that got hired last year, I'm impressed."

Curious despite himself, Voldemort asks, "W-Why did last y-years teacher leave?"

"He was found growing some more…fanciful herbs behind the greenhouse."

"…Fanciful?"

"Yes, you see, Pomona didn't recognize it because it's not used commonly in the wizarding world, seeing as it has no actual magical properties, but…well, let's just say I recognized it."

"What was it?"

"You may be a half-blood, Quirinus, but you were raised in the wizard world—I'm sure you wouldn't know of it."

Voldemort, who is very much a half-blood but who spent a great portion of his childhood dealing with muggles, already has a sneaking suspicion as to what the "herb" is, but he has to make sure because surely a professor would never do such a thing. "What was it, S-Severus?"

The man pauses. Stares. Then says, "Cannabis."

Jesus fucking Christ—

"Oh," says Voldemort. "W-What about the P-Professor before him?"

"Caught dragon pox."

"And before them?"

"Tried to have sex with a centaur."

"…And before them?"

"Used Imperio on Filch's cat."

Well, isn't Severus just a wealth of information… Voldemort scowls down at his cup of tea, debating what the fuck was wrong with Dumbledore. How does he keep managing to hire awful professors? He's lucky he got two largely-competent individuals this time instead of another whack-job.

Severus, misinterpreting his disbelief as apprehension, smiles sweetly at him. He says, "Don't worry, Quirinus—when you get fired, I'm sure it won't be for anything nearly as awful as propositioning a centaur." And then he leaves, seeming much too happy for himself.

For a moment, Voldemort is confused as to why Severus would think he would be fired—does the man know something?—but then, he remembers something rather important: he'd cursed the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. No one has been able to hold it for longer than a year ever since. For Severus, who has genuinely wanted to be the DADA professor for a long time, it must be very satisfying to witness each previous professor leave due to some misfortune or another.

…More importantly, however, this means that Voldemort will end up being fired, as well.

Fuck.

A/N (posted 2022-11-02 on ao3): ok listen i know that technically quirrell used to be a muggle studies teacher at hogwarts but I decided to ignore that bc I Want To…..and in regards to last chapter, I know charity burbage hasn't started teaching at hogwarts yet but idk I changed it bc I Want To

Anyway here have some Voldemort and snape shenanigans 3