Soda signed his name on the line, Penny's signature just above it. He then looked at the scrawl that acknowledged their understanding, while it also terminated their parental rights.

Penny felt Soda's hand take her own, the papers that had been written up to process the adoption now going to Samuel and Vivian. "Okay. So what do we do now?"

Lila Norris, adoption specialist, spoke on behalf of the plan the couples had created together. "Emily goes home with Mr. and Mrs. Evans as their legal daughter. Per your agreement, the adoption will be open, but the birth parents cannot have contact with the infant for a period of three months, which will give everyone time to adjust."

Soda saw both Samuel and Vivian signing papers, knowing one of them was Emily's birth certificate. The preacher's eyes then looked up, meeting his own, the two sharing a look that ensured they'd remain in contact.

Henderson Fields, the lawyer who'd been hired to oversee all legal aspects, collected the signed documents, intending to review them before adding his own signature.

Soda looked around at all the people gathered in the meeting room that was on the labor and delivery floor of St. John's hospital, the reality beginning to sink into his mind. It's really happening, he thought. It's here.

Penny hid the tears in her eyes, as she glanced over at Soda, able to recognize the stunned expression on his face.

It's almost done, Soda thought, as his gaze shifted to Penny and the tears that were visible only to him. Six months ago, it felt like forever, but now, our baby is about to go home with somebody else.

Soda leaned his head on the back of the porch swing, seeing the headlights of Steve's car fade into the distance, as it rounded the corner.

Darry stared at his middle brother through the screen door, as he worked out what he wanted to say to him, the words needing a special sort of balance before he could will himself to step out into the cold night air.

Soda heard the door open and close, feeling the swing move with Darry's weight, his big brother sitting down, as he also handed him the sweatshirt he'd brought outside.

Darry didn't speak right away, the two men finding a form of comfort in the silence, as they were able to simply be together. "I'm here, little buddy."

"I know."

"I didn't think Steve would leave tonight."

"He's not. Just going to get clothes and stuff."

"Oh. Okay."

"I know you want to say something, Darry."

"Of course I do."

"Where's Ponyboy?"

"Probably hanging out with TwoBit. You know how they've been lately."

"Yeah."

"Please don't do that anymore, Sodapop. I can't come home and find you dead because you went too far."

"I made you think of that again, didn't I? I made you think of what it'd be like."

"Yeah. Because I know it could take just a split second and the wrong combination of feelings if you already have that kind of medicine right there in front of you. I've told myself not to blow this out of proportion, but I can't minimize it either. You know how you've felt and what you've thought about, so you know taking medicine like that is a risk. You know knocking yourself out is not a way to cope with your problems. You also know the healthy ways to deal with the things you're going through. So what I'm not understanding is why you wouldn't use them. You've done it over and over again ever since just after the shooting. What was different about this time?"

Soda responded by lying down on the swing, putting his head in Darry's lap. "I don't know. It just was. I didn't think about how you'd feel or what it'd be like when I woke up. I just thought about not feeling anything for a while. I couldn't see past that."

Darry looked down at Soda, as he stroked his hair, actively going for a combination of blunt honesty and affection. "That's exactly it, Soda. You had tunnel vision, and I don't know how many steps further it would be for you to overdose. You could even do it accidentally. You already told me once before that you wouldn't go here. You said you wouldn't get so close again, but this time, you got even closer. You didn't just get the cough syrup and think about taking it, you did take it."

Soda felt his eyelids getting heavier, letting them close, as his head sank further into Darry's lap. "Sorry, Dar. But it's gone. I poured it out. Don't want to hurt ya'll again."

Darry saw Soda's closed eyes, as he rubbed his shoulder, the sight of his brother falling back to sleep making even more words spill out of his heart. "Damn it, Pepsi Cola. I can't even lecture you over this because you make me feel like I'm going to turn into a puddle. I know you must've been hurting deep inside earlier if drugging yourself seemed like the best idea, so I can't even be angry. I just wish I could know for sure you won't do it anymore. But I can't, can I?"

"Won't, Dar. Promise. Love you."

"I love you too, and that's why I'm going to be watching you like a hawk. I'd gotten comfortable with thinking I could count on you to come to me or to Steve when stuff like this comes up. But since you didn't, I need to backtrack and keep a closer eye you for a while."

"Don't blame you for that. My fault."

"No, it's not your fault, little buddy. It isn't that simple." Darry reached for Soda's hand that was resting on his own knee, then pressed it to his brother's chest. "You feel that?"

Soda felt Darry's hold, skin touching skin, as well as the beat of his own heart through the material of his sweatshirt. "You mean my heart? Yeah, I feel it."

"That's because you're alive. You're here, and you're human with a heart that lets you feel everything there is. That's a strength, little buddy. I promise it is because it makes you the loving person you are. But it also means pain can be even more overwhelming and make you believe it's too much. That hurt can make you turn on yourself when you're going through all these emotions. I've seen it in your guilt and in your suicidal thoughts. Every feeling you get is strong, whether it's because of yourself or someone else. Lately, I know it's a lot of both, but the key here is making sure they have somewhere to go before they get a chance to undo the progress you've made."

Soda felt himself wake up a little, Darry's words striking a chord in a way he knew his big brother had not intended. "Is that what I did? Did I mess up my progress?"

"No. Of course not. But if this became a habit, you might. Because that would mean you can't or won't ask for help and talk about what's going on. It would mean those feelings are just inside you and causing pain."

"It would mean my heart is carrying too much."

"Yeah, and it already takes on enough. So please, little buddy, the next time you're feeling bad, take care of yourself in the right way. Even if it's hard, don't let that temptation win."

"Could I please just have some time alone, Sodapop?"

Soda touched Penny's back, as she lie down on the hospital bed, the memory of signed adoption papers still fresh in both their minds. "If it's what you really want, then I'll go."

Penny wore a loose fitting pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt, her body tired from not only physical exertion, but also emotional stress. She felt Soda's lips press to her forehead, the show of affection making her long for solitude all the more. "It is. I love you. But I need time to absorb this, and I have to do it by myself."

"For somebody who didn't know what to say to me, he sure did say a lot all at once."

Steve sat on the floor with Soda, each of them holding a mug of hot chocolate. "I think you have that effect, man."

Soda touched the top of his mug, fingers brushing its rounded lip, as he felt heat coming from the liquid inside. "What effect? Makin' ya'll talk a lot?"

"Yeah. Pretty much. There's something about talking to you and being with you that just makes speeches pour out."

"I can't decide if that's a good thing or not."

"Are you kidding me? It's a great thing. You make us speak from our hearts when we might not be able to otherwise. Especially if you're hurting and really need the words."

Soda sipped the hot chocolate, finding his spirit needed something the drink's usual soothing warmth couldn't provide. "Steve?"

"Yeah, man?"

Soda put the mug down, slowly letting it out of his grasp. "I know we did already earlier, but could I, um, please have another hug? I'm not sure why. I just..."

Steve didn't wait for Soda to finish, his arms immediately pulling him in close. "I get it, buddy. Of course you can have a hug."

Soda laid his head on Steve's shoulder, relaxing in a way he hadn't been able to just moments before.

Steve felt a thought tug at him, realizing he may need to make amends. "I wasn't too hard on you tonight, was I? That's not why you need this?"

"Hard on me when?"

"When you first woke up. I wasn't too rough, was I?"

"No, Stevie. You were honest with me. You had to be like that cause of what I did. And this right now, I think it's just me needin' a lot of love."

"Okay. I had to make sure I didn't hurt you, especially since some of what I said makes me feel like a hypocrite. I think it's pretty damn obvious why too."

"But you're not. I don't expect you to tell me it's okay to do what I did cause of what you've done before. That's exactly why you know how bad it can be."

Steve continued to hold Soda, finding he didn't want to let go, as he thought of the path this conversation needed to take. "So what did you do?"

"What do you mean? You already know."

"Yeah. But you haven't said it, and I think you need to." Steve felt Soda tense, the arms around him tightening their grip. "Easy, man. I need this for a little while too."

"I've been holdin' Penny a lot lately."

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"And I was lyin' in Darry's lap earlier."

"Looks like you're needing some of the same kind of support you've been giving. Especially since you decided earlier that you had to handle your own feelings by yourself. Which is never true. Emily's only a month old, and you're already spent, man. So there's no way you can keep being what you need to be if you're set on trying to go it alone."

"But I'm not anymore. That's just what I was thinkin' then, you know? Cause if I could tell myself I was doin' ya'll a favor, it'd be okay to do what I did."

Steve slowly released Soda, taking his hand in a gesture of support he expected his best friend would need. "What did you do?"

Soda looked away in response to the repeated question, even as he knew there was no getting away from it. " I took the medicine."

"What medicine?"

"The cough syrup."

"Why?"

"Because I was sad. But I didn't want to try to kill myself or anything. So I measured it out. I just wanted to sleep and not be able to feel or think."

Steve moved his thumb in circles on Soda's skin, the need to comfort him not fading. "So did it work? Did you stop feeling and thinking?"

"Yeah. I can't even tell you it didn't feel good either, Stevie. Cause it did."

"I'm not expecting you to lie about that, buddy. I'm glad you're not because being honest is the only way you're going to process this and keep it from happening again. That's why I wanted you to tell me specifically what you did and why. I think if you talk through it, it won't be able to bother you as much later."

"Are you worried I'll feel too guilty, and that'll make me do this again?"

"Yeah. That and I don't want you to be struggling a lot after tonight because you didn't share. Even though I pretty much get what happened already, and I saw you, it's just not the same as you putting it into words. And for the record, you knocking yourself out could never do us a favor. I know I can speak for Darry on that one too."

"Yeah. I guess I know that. It's just somethin' that's easy to think when I get too down on myself."

"It reminds me of how I've had to tell you that you aren't a burden. Or even of that time you were having the suicidal thoughts really bad and told me I wouldn't have to worry about you much longer. But you're not some sort of obligation or problem, brother. Honestly, I feel like everything is one big circle right now too."

"A circle? How?"

"You're there for Penny, and we're here for you. It's a circle of support. But that only makes its way around if you come to us."

"I'm sorry I didn't."

"It's okay, buddy. We've already been through that. I'm just over here trying to be all poetic in letting you know that even with what happened, the circle still isn't broken."

"Yeah, I'm going back in a little while, Dar. She's gettin' released in a couple hours."

Darry joined Soda in his room, seeing the younger man's fingers trembling, as he buttoned up his shirt. "Are you okay there, little buddy?"

Soda fumbled with the last button before he got it secured, then sat down on his bed, aware of the shoebox that wasn't far from his foot. "Yeah. I will be anyway. Even if I'm really not right now. I've gotta keep it together somehow."

Darry took a seat beside Soda, a hand automatically reaching out to straighten the collar on his brother's shirt. "So the adoption papers are signed? It's done?"

"Yeah. Samuel and Vivian are taking Emily home today too."

"And you and Penny have to hold off on any kind of visiting until April?"

"Yeah. Just to give them some time, you know? Us too. But we can talk to Samuel and Vivian. It ain't like we can't know anything."

"How is Penny doing?"

"Okay, I guess. She wanted some time alone, and I sure can't blame her. She's a mom who's about to go home without a baby."

"Is Steve staying over here all night or something?"

Soda opened the refrigerator, taking out milk and chocolate syrup, as he replied to Pony. "Yeah. He's stayin'."

Pony watched his middle brother for a moment, seeing him pour the milk into a glass. "So are you feeling better now? He said you took that medicine earlier."

Soda stared at the chocolate syrup, as it drizzled into the milk, creating swirls of brown. "Um, yeah, I feel fine now, Pone. I was just, uh, feelin' like I might be gettin' sick."

"Oh. I never heard you coughing or anything."

"Well, I guess it was only a little, you dig? Didn't last long."

Pony saw Soda stir the chocolate into the milk, the spoon clanging against the inside of the glass. "Okay. You took cough syrup in the middle of the day just for that?"

"Yeah. I guess I wasn't really thinkin' about what it did to me before."

"That or you wanted some really good sleep."

Soda froze for a moment, the taste of chocolate milk on his tongue. He then looked at Pony to see the grin on his little brother's face, the sight putting him more at ease. "Yeah. Um, that too. I can honestly say it was the best sleep of my life."

Soda stood in front of the nursery window, looking at the baby he'd helped bring into the world, her brown eyes now wide-open, as she took in the surroundings so different from the womb. He saw the label on her clear-sided bassinet, the letters reading 'Baby Evans.' It could've been 'Curtis,' Soda thought. She could've had my last name if-

"Sodapop?"

Soda recognized Samuel's voice at the same time a hand touched his shoulder, his musings interrupted for the time being. He turned, making eye contact with the preacher he'd known for less than two years, their connection now transcending the short span. "Hey. I just wanted to look at her, you know? Penny didn't though. Her parents are with her."

Samuel looked through the nursery window himself, seeing the child he and Vivian were about to take home to raise as their own. "I can understand why she wouldn't want to. But I understand you as well. Everything's just about taken care of and ready to go. But I wanted to talk to you about a couple things first."

"Oh. Okay. Don't worry. I'll stay away."

"That's not what I was about to say. I know you'll keep your word about our agreement. But first, I need to talk about church."

"What about it?"

"Vivian and I have decided to alternate Sundays. One of us will always stay home with the baby. That way, you can come to services every week."

"Oh. I didn't even think about that."

"I was thinking a little bit ahead and beyond what we've actually planned officially. The second thing is I want it to be extremely clear that our friendship doesn't pause just because there has to be some distance between you and Emily."

"Yeah. I know. You've told me."

"And I'm telling you again. I know you have your brothers and Steve to be there for you, but you have me as well."

Soda felt Samuel's arms wrap around him, the embrace one he hadn't been expecting, though it wasn't out of the ordinary. He hugged back, his eyes drifting to the nursery window once more, as he realized his daughter would be calling this man daddy. "I know that too. Please take good care of her."

"We will. Vivian and I both love you and Penny, and we love Emily. I feel like there's so much I could tell you, but for now, I just need to say thank you."

"You can go to bed, man. I didn't stay here to keep you awake."

Soda sat in the kitchen with Steve, a stacked deck of cards on the table between them, his eyelids heavy, though the drowsiness had morphed into a sense of being hyper-alert. "I know. I'm just feelin' kind of funny, you dig? Like I'm sleepy, but I'm not."

Steve looked at his best friend in the dim light, seeing his foot tapping the tile incessantly. "Yeah. I can see how that would be. Maybe you only partially slept the medicine off, so it's hyping you up instead now."

Soda picked up the deck of cards, his fingers splitting it, as he began to shuffle. "I lied to Pony, Stevie."

"So you can go back and tell him the truth later. Hell, the kid's probably onto you too. He was even onto me earlier just cause of how I was sitting there with you. I'm telling you, buddy, when it comes to you, he can read me better than I like to admit sometimes."

Soda made the bridge with his thumbs, the cards then settling back together before he paused to rub the fingers of his right hand. "Yeah. Pony's not just book-smart."

Steve watched Soda continue to massage not just his fingers, but also his wrist, his best friend now quiet within this hour that was approaching midnight. "Of course not. He's related to you and Darry, ain't he? I'm really ready to turn in, man. You probably need to at least try to sleep too."

"Yeah. I know."

"Look, Soda, I know we've had a ton of heart-to-heart tonight, but I'm thankful as hell for it."

"Yeah, what a great Saturday night, huh? First, your best buddy makes you think he might've overdosed, then he can't quit cryin' about it."

"Hey now, don't be so damn harsh with yourself. I'm not holding that against you or looking back on our night like that."

Soda let out a long sigh, a hand rubbing his head, as he closed his eyes. "I can't imagine how guilty you must've felt after your overdose, Steve. I mean, I know I couldn't already, but if the guilt I have now feels this bad..."

Steve scooted his chair closer, then took Soda's hands, his best friend's eyes opening to look at him. "It's the kind of guilt I wouldn't wish on anybody. Least of all you. And right now, you need to remember you didn't try to die. Keep some perspective here, buddy. I don't mean to downplay it, but I do mean to help you keep it straight in your head. As much as I can't tell you enough how unsafe it is for you to use medicine the way you did, I also can't stand to see you beat yourself up over this. So please give yourself some compassion. You did that for me after my attempt, and I could've died. I know I'm making it sound simpler than it is, but I really think a lot of the guilt you feel tonight is not only because of what happened."

"But what else could it be from?"

"Just the fact that you're so prone to feeling guilty in the first place. With just about anything, it's your gut reaction. I get that too, which is something you know from listening to me. So I'm not blaming you for it, I'm only saying that feeling doesn't necessarily tell you much about what happened. It means you were sad and felt out of control, but that doesn't mean it's your fault."

"It seems like my fault cause I didn't do what I'm supposed to."

"But it's not, man. You slipped, and that's part of healing."

Soda looked out the window, seeing the night that he knew had turning from chilly to freezing, a shiver going through his body, despite being indoors. "Looks like I'm the one keepin' you awake."

"That's all right, buddy. I like sitting up and talking with you."

"You like counseling me, huh?"

Steve squeezed Soda's hands, releasing them, as he got to his feet. "You had to use that word, didn't you?"

"Yep. Cause it's the right one."

"I still don't know, man. I'd need to save up a lot more money even for a college here."

"So you will. Even if it takes a little while. And after you do, you can go learn everything you need to learn."

"Why would a college even accept a guy like me though?"

"Why not? You found out the requirements for TU. You have them, buddy. Even Laura can see the right stuff in you too."

"Yeah. She did say that."

"I can't wait to see it, you know? Cause I can tell you want to, and right now, you're in a great place to save the money. Plus, I've got all the faith in the world in you, Stevie, and I can't wait to see you go out there and help people heal."