"I'm so sorry I ever doubted you, Sodapop."

Soda was making his way across the Jacobs' front porch when Roy caught up with him. "Oh. It's all right. Um, Penny said she wants to be alone, so..."

Roy stepped outside, noticing that Soda's car wasn't parked by the curb. "Do you need a lift home?"

"Thanks, but I kind of enjoy the walk. Besides, it's not too far."

"Okay. As long as you're sure."

"I am."

"I hope you're better than I've been about knowing what to say to Penny."

"I just try to reassure her, you know? So she gets that anything she's feelin' is all right. That and I let her know I'm always here for her. I'm sure the same will work for you."

"I just hate seeing her in pain. I keep thinking back to when she first said she was pregnant and how I was the most concerned about her future."

"Well, yeah, of course you were."

"But I didn't think enough about beyond that. I had a hard time coming to terms with the whole concept of adoption myself, so I hardly took time to consider the effect this could have on Penny emotionally. I took it for granted when I could see how calm and determined she was the entire time."

"It was hard to come to terms with, and I think seein' how sure she was helped me a lot. If she hadn't been like that, I might've even been able to change her mind when I tried. She knew what she wanted though and how this needed to be. She knows now too, even if it is real painful for her."

Ray held his hand out, only a second passing before Soda took it, accepting the firm shake. "You're a good man, Sodapop. Not every guy would stick around for the aftermath, but I'm thankful Penny found one who is."

"So how have you been doing these past couple of weeks, Sodapop? Is anything new or different?"

Soda had just taken his spot across from Dr. Morgan, his fingers tapping the round table between them. "Um, no, I don't think so. I've just been going to work and stuff and hangin' out with my brothers. Spendin' some time with Penny too, of course."

Dr. Morgan nodded along, looking down at her notepad for a moment to refresh her memory of their previous session. "Yes. I'm aware that's very important for you right now. Besides supporting Penny, how are you in regard to coping with the adoption yourself? I know this is something we've been discussing on a regular basis, but it is an ongoing situation in your life."

"Yeah. I'm, uh, okay, I guess. I'm getting' used to it as much as I can. I mean, I really want to see Emily, but I'm all right with waitin' and lettin' Samuel and Vivian be her parents. Or I'm tryin' to be anyway. I go back and forth about it sometimes cause I want to know where I'll fit in her life."

"What are your other thoughts about that? What do you imagine it being like once you can visit with Emily?"

"Well, I like to think it'll feel good, you know? Cause I can watch her grow up. I'll have some kind of relationship with her, even though I won't be her dad."

Dr. Morgan looked down at her notepad once more, as she shifted the direction of the conversation. "Perhaps I'm transitioning to a rather different topic here, but in our session two weeks ago, we talked a little about your brothers and your relationships with them."

"Yeah. I remember. Cause you said it sounds like our dynamics, or something like that, have changed a lot."

"That's exactly the right word, actually. I was commenting on how you three became the whole of your family unit when your parents passed away. But not only that, your roles to one another have shifted even since that time. I think you've learned a lot about how to let Darry and Ponyboy be your support, instead of always feeling as if you have to hold them together."

"Yeah. I guess so."

"I'm bringing that up to make a connection to the adoption. This is a challenging situation because you have to adjust to the dynamics. You have to understand and accept your role in Emily's life, even though it isn't the traditional one."

"Like I've done with my brothers?"

"Yes. That's what I'm seeing here. But I'm not pointing it out just for the sake of observation. I'm wanting to show you how capable you are at adjusting when it's necessary."

"Oh. I've never thought of it like that."

"I think it's more difficult to see things when you're inside a situation or circumstance. But I believe you have the flexibility and insight to be whatever it is you're meant for in Emily's life. I've see for myself in person and up close that you do the same with the other people you love. The concept still stands, even though she's a child, who won't be able to reciprocate in the way your brothers and friends do."

"I know she's still a baby, but I can't help hopin' she'll love me. Sometimes, I just think about how it would feel to hold her again or see her eyes lookin' up at me. It makes me really understand why I can't cause even just thinkin' about it makes me know I wouldn't want to give her back to Samuel and Vivian. Me and Penny did the right thing too. I know we did."

"I asked you a few minutes ago how you are in terms of coping with the adoption yourself, but I'd like to back up to that again to be more specific. I think I can predict the answers since it's become very routine for us to go over particular ways to process feelings and emotions, but can you tell me what you've done lately as far as that? Have you been talking to your brothers and to Steve? Has the shoebox you have been a source of help?"

"Yeah. I open it up sometimes, and I talk about stuff. Mostly with Steve. I don't think him or Darry would even let me get away without doin' that."

"How have you been in coping with suicidal thoughts when they arise? Or in handling impulses to hurt yourself?"

"I, uh, haven't had any of that lately. I haven't felt like I could hurt myself or anything like that." Soda swallowed hard, as he met Dr. Morgan's gaze, the fear he'd been grappling with making him choose to hide the truth. "I've actually been doin' all right, for the most part, and handlin' everything just fine."

"Howdy, Sodapop? How's it hangin' tonight?"

Soda grinned at TwoBit, as he put the lid on the shoebox. "Howdy, man! I'm doin' all right. What are you up to?"

TwoBit let himself into the middle Curtis' room, sitting at the foot of the bed. "Oh, you know, the usual. Just got off work. Our ladies are off havin' some chick time."

Soda slid the box back into its place under his bed, now focusing on talking with his friend. "Chick time, huh?"

"Yeah. Kathy told me to go 'occupy myself' cause she's not available."

"Are you sure 'occupy' is the word she used there? Ya'll haven't sounded so great lately."

"Nah. It wasn't me. She's just really set on bein' there for Penny. Which is fine by me. I'm even still kind of reelin' from the fact that there's a mini Sodapop Curtis in the world now, so I can dig that."

"A mini Sodapop Curtis, huh?"

"Well, yeah. Is it all right for me to say that? I ain't out to pour salt in a wound or anything, like Pony might say."

"It's fine, TwoBit. You know, as long as you don't say it to just anybody. The whole town doesn't need to know me and Penny had a kid."

"Aw, come on now. I don't have that much of a big mouth. I can keep a secret."

"I know you can. I was just sayin'."

"So where's ol' Steve-O tonight? I'm used to you two havin' plenty of guy time."

"He's hangin' out with his dad. I might head over there later."

"So you want to have a beer then?"

"Sure. I know there's some in the fridge, and it actually sounds like a nice way to relax."

"So how was your appointment, man?"

Soda had just sat down on the porch swing when he saw Steve coming up the walk. "It was fine, Stevie."

Steve made his way up the steps, joining Soda on the swing. "That's good. So does Dr. Morgan want you to come back later this week?"

"No. We're still stickin' with the two weeks."

"Oh. I thought after she heard what happened, she'd want to see you again sooner."

"She didn't say that."

"What did she say?"

"Not a whole lot."

"Sounds kind of like you right about now."

"I just don't feel like sayin' much."

Steve let the silence fall over them for a couple of minutes, as he absorbed the small amount of conversation they'd just had, realizing it didn't seem to make sense. "How could she not have much to say about you taking cough syrup?"

"I don't know."

Steve saw Soda looking away from him, his best friend's leg abruptly beginning to bounce up and down. "You didn't tell her, did you?"

"It's my business what I talk about with Dr. Morgan."

"Don't even try that on me, man. I've been in there with you, so I know you aren't that private about your sessions."

"Maybe I am now."

"I'm not going to get on your case about it if you didn't tell her. I get it, buddy."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Hell, I'm no stranger to not being totally honest with a counselor. That, and I just don't think making a big deal over it will help you now."

"I didn't tell her. I pretty much knew I wasn't going to before I even went to the appointment."

"Are you that worried about her doing something that you don't want?"

"Yeah. Cause this is different, you know? I didn't just think about doin' somethin', I actually did it."

"That's true. But I think about when you had a plan laid out for killing yourself, and that's worse to me. Those thoughts and feelings were scarier than deciding to sleep and escape. I think telling Dr. Morgan about that was a bigger thing than this would be. The most she'll want to do is see you more often again."

"Maybe I don't want that either."

"Why not?"

"I just don't, okay? It's been almost a year since I got shot, so I don't want to go back to treatin' this like it just happened?"

"Aw, come on, man. You know it doesn't work that way. Having some extra sessions wouldn't mean you're going back to anything. It would just mean you're hanging on to how far you've come. I've been going to Laura for a year and a half now, right?"

"Yeah."

"So if I was having a hard time with a certain feeling or something and needed to see her a little more, would that mean I'm treating it like the effects of my abuse just started happening?"

"Well, no. But that's different cause what happened with you had lots of time to build up, so it takes longer to fix."

"Trauma's not one to follow any sort of logic like that, buddy. It takes as much time as you need. Besides, maybe this didn't fester in you for as many years, but other stuff did start to way before the shooting. It got complicated after too cause you had more than one thing affecting you at once."

"She'd ask me so many questions if I told her, Stevie. Like about what I was thinkin' and if I had the suicidal thoughts. But I just don't want to talk about it anymore."

"I can understand that, especially since you did talk so much that night. But asking questions is how she gets a look into your head, man. It's how she figures out what you need."

"She asked me today how I've been with coping and stuff. She wanted to know if I've been talkin' to ya'll or usin' the things in the shoebox."

"Which you have been, so that counts for a lot. It isn't that you don't know how to cope in a way that's healthy."

"She also asked how I'm doin' with the suicidal thoughts and impulses to hurt myself."

"What'd you say then?"

"That I'm not havin' them, which is half-true. I've sort of felt like hurtin' myself, but not anything else. My thoughts aren't gettin' dark like that lately. Just sad or overwhelmed."

"So the session kind of went in a way where you could be mostly honest without telling her, huh?"

"Pretty much. It's not like she was going to ask if I'd been tempted by a bottle of cough syrup. I could tell her some truths, then get around the rest."

"I thought you didn't want to talk about this anymore. Or is it different with me?"

"It's different with you. I don't gotta explain now. And you already asked questions on Friday night."

"I think you should call Dr. Morgan tomorrow and schedule another appointment, man. It came back to bite me when I wasn't honest with Laura, and I don't want that to happen to you."

"I thought you said you weren't going to get on my case about this."

"I'm not. Getting on your case would be more along the lines of telling you it was wrong or something like that. But I'm not. I'm telling you I get it and just what I think you should do now. I'm not saying you have to call her. I'm only saying it's a good idea."

"Don't worry, Dar. I didn't have much. Just enough to take the edge off."

Darry's eyebrows raised, watching Soda finish the bottle of beer, as both brothers walked through the front door together. "Oh yeah? The edge off what, little buddy?"

Soda tossed the bottle toward the trash can, as the door closed behind him, his aim just right. "I don't know. Sadness, I guess. Anyway, I'm about to head over to Steve's. You going out with Maryanne?"

"I sure am. So I'll probably be late."

"You could stay over at her house, Dar. Me and Pone will be fine here."

"I know you would be. But I should still come home. We'll have plenty of time together. What are you and Steve about to do?"

"I ain't sure. Probably not much. You know how we are. We're good with just hangin' around the house and talkin' about stuff or playin' cards."

"Of course. Do you have stuff you need to talk about?"

"Not really. There ain't anything else for me to say. I think you and Steve have heard it all. Besides, ya'll probably need a break from me. You sure deserve one."

Darry looked at Soda's face, the grin gracing his features convincing him that his younger brother was at least partially joking. "A break from you, little buddy? No way. I know I can say the same for Steve too. But I do think it's good if you feel like you've gotten everything out. So I'll sure as hell take it."

"I've got a favor to ask you, man. It's simple, but it would mean a lot to me."

Soda's attention moved to Steve after he slid the aluminum-wrapped potatoes into the oven. "Okay. What is it?"

Steve heard the timer wind up, seeing his best friend then sit down across from him. "I'm going to talk to Audrey soon. You know, about my suicide attempt. Since I wanted to be the one to tell her."

"Oh. Okay. But what's that got to do with a favor?"

"Remember how when I first told TwoBit that I was abused, I wanted you there with me?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I want you to be there with me when I talk to Audrey too."

"Oh. Of course I'll do it. But that's not somethin' you want your dad to do? Since, you know, he's the one who's workin' on gettin' engaged to her?"

"No. I want you for this, buddy. It's important to me."

"Sure thing, Stevie. Just let me know when, and I'll be there, even if I'm not sure exactly what I can do."

"The only thing you need to do is be next to me. Help me be present and stay on track. You're the best there is at that, and it's why I'm asking you to be the one who's there for this."

"Superman bought that, huh?"

Soda tossed a card down onto one of the two piles that were between himself and Steve. "There's nothin' to buy. I was serious. I don't have anything left to talk about."

Steve drew a card from the second pile, as he tried not to visibly roll his eyes. "That's just unusual for you, man. To say the least."

"Yeah. I guess it is. But it's true. And you don't gotta roll your eyes at me, Stevie. That ain't fair."

"Yeah. All right. Sorry. I'm just skeptical, especially since you've told me how hard of a time Penny's been having."

"I get that, and it's okay. But maybe I'm adjusting. I can be there for her and do all right. I think I've gotten used to the way things are."

"You asked Sodapop to be there with you for that conversation?"

Steve could read the disappointment on Nicholas' face, as father and son both finished their dinners. "Yeah. But it's something I'm also doing for him."

Nicholas didn't follow the logic at first, as he got up to take their dishes to the sink. "For him? How? I didn't even know you would want anyone else to be there. If I had, I would've said something and offered. Maybe I should've-"

"No, Dad. You didn't know because I didn't say it. I didn't even think about it right away. Please don't take it personally, all right? It isn't that I don't want you. Honestly, either of you would be great when I'm talking about something like this. But I think Soda needs it. He was saying stuff about how he's been leaning on me and Darry so much. He even felt like it could be a favor to us if he tried not to, so instead, he did something that's not safe to cope with how he was feeling."

"Not safe? What kind of not safe?"

"He gave in to a thought he had. That's why I was over there all Saturday night. But anyway, I feel like maybe it'll help if I'm reaching out to him for support too. Because then, we're both leaning on each other."

"Oh. I guess I didn't realize that would still happen since you were only with the baby for a little while in the hospital."

Penny sat in the Chevy with Soda, as she adjusted the front of her blouse, though the pressure and discomfort in her breasts had begun to alleviate. "Yes, my milk started coming in pretty soon, but it was even more once I got home. My body still had to prepare itself to feed a baby."

Soda turned onto Penny's street, coming to a stop by the curb in front of her house, just as the porch light came on. "So, um, since you aren't feeding her, what happens with the milk?"

"It dries up eventually. There already isn't as much now. It leaks out sometimes, but it's mostly just uncomfortable. These sorts of physical things are the ones I've only really talked about with Kathy and my mom. I did talk about them with the adoption specialist a while back because she wanted me to know that they don't recommend birth mothers breastfeed even before the papers are signed since that could make it harder emotionally. That's probably true too. It would've been like I was bonding with the baby, then having to let her go."

"I can see why you'd talk to Kathy and your mom about stuff like that. I mean, obviously I'm a guy, so I don't get it in the same way."

"I didn't even realize how much my body would go through. I just thought of the pregnancy itself and of giving birth. I didn't think about how I'd physically become a mother at the same time I was choosing adoption. I've had cramps because of going through labor, and my period won't be back for maybe months. I don't have the baby, but I have everything else that goes along with one."

"I ain't tryin' to say I could possibly understand what that's like for you or anything, but it must make for lots of emotions too. Like with hormones and stuff? And even just not feelin' right?"

"Yes. I think all the physical changes make the feelings more intense. I can't ever just forget because my body is here to remind me I had a baby."

"I kind of do understand that part. It ain't the same, but I have the scar that reminds me of bein' shot. The nerve pain sometimes too."

Penny reached over and touched Soda's arm, where she knew the scar was beneath his sleeve. "No, it's not the same, but it is the same idea."

Soda touched Penny's cheek, as he leaned closer to her, longing for just a bit of the kind of physical intimacy they hadn't shared since before Emily's birth. "Can I kiss you?"

Penny responded by pressing her lips to Soda's, the kiss quickly growing deep, as it connected two people, who were forever joined together by the bonds of would-be parenthood.

"What do you mean you didn't tell her? That's exactly the kind of thing you need to talk about in counseling! What the hell are you thinking, Sodapop?"

Soda flinched at both the tone and volume of Darry's voice, as the two brothers were in the latter's bedroom. "Please don't get pissed about it, Dar. I don't want Pony to hear you yellin' either."

Darry tried to dial back his initial annoyance, recognizing that it was rooted in fear. "Okay. I'm not pissed, just...worried, all right? Dr. Morgan can't help you if you keep stuff from her. It scares me, little buddy. As much as I know she can't see inside your head either, she's a doctor, who understands a lot more than I can. If she's keeping an eye on you too, it makes me feel better."

"I know. But I'll tell her the next time I see her. I get the feelin' I'm going to have both you and Steve on my back til I do."