"I always feel so lifted up after services. I can actually tell the difference in myself if I don't go for some reason."

Nicholas took Audrey's hand, as a teasing smile formed on his face. "I think seeing me is part of the lifting up."

Audrey gave Nicholas' hand a squeeze, as she good-naturedly rolled her eyes. "I'm sure it is, but I was referring to the spiritual part of it. So you said Steve wants to talk to me, right? I haven't seen him since I got here."

"I think he and Sodapop are in his room. Probably talking and playing cards. It's hard for him to talk about what he's wanting to tell you, but he also believes it's important for you to hear certain things about himself before you're officially family."

"Is this anything to do with that time he was in the hospital last summer? You spoke so vaguely then, and you said it was Steve's place to tell me details."

"Yes. It's everything to do with that hospital stay, actually. Just give him a few more minutes, and I'm sure he'll come out and explain."

"I don't know if I can do this, Soda. This is Audrey. She's my dad's girlfriend. She'll be his wife at some point. That'll make her my stepmom."

Soda picked up the freshly-shuffled deck of cards, dealing the top one to Steve and the next to himself. "Which is why you want her to know. She'll be great about it, Stevie. Then, you'll have yet another person who can be supportive."

Steve picked up the cards he'd gotten so far, looking at the clubs and spades, two diamonds among them. "It seems crazy to even be thinking about this, but it's like I'm over here wondering what if she's not great about it? What if I tell her, and it goes wrong? Once I say I tried to kill myself, how she reacts to that is totally out of my hands."

Soda's mind drifted back to a conversation he and Steve had shared the summer before when the adoption had been in its earliest stages. "I'm askin' you this cause you've done the same thing for me when I was real anxious, but what kind of reaction could she have? Let me go there with you, so you can get it out of your head. What is it you're afraid could happen when Audrey knows about your overdose?"

"I'm going to be her stepson, Soda. So what if that's too much for her? What if she doesn't want to become family to me, knowing I did that to myself? She could decide not to marry my dad, then it'd be my fault."

Soda put his cards down on the floor, also reaching out to take Steve's and putting them aside as well. "You're worried about messing up your dad's relationship with Audrey, like you said you were before. But you won't, buddy. She ain't the kind of person to not want you in her life cause of that. If she were, she wouldn't be around now after everything your dad has already told her. Besides, with you bein' in the hospital last summer, she might have at least some idea of what's happened anyway. I can't see how it'll shock her, Stevie, and I sure can't see her breakin' up with your dad over it. She'll probably like that you'd share somethin' so personal with her. It shows you accept her as part of your life."

"I know, man. I know all of that, but it's hard to shake this. Maybe some of it's even because, except for Penny, nobody who didn't know me then knows about my attempt."

"And I'm the one who told her, so yeah, you haven't been through this yet." Soda started to pick up the cards again, only to pause, as he looked at Steve. "I want you to know somethin' else too. Even though I'm real sure nothin' bad will happen today."

"What's that?"

"What you said about it bein' your fault if your dad and Audrey broke up, it couldn't be. Remember how your dad told you their relationship's not your responsibility?"

"Yeah, of course I remember."

"Well, that holds true now too. Even if they broke up, that wouldn't be on you. It'd be between them. Audrey ain't the type of person to reject you cause of your history, but if anybody ever did, that'd be their loss."

"Audrey, um, can we talk please? Just me and you? Well, I mean, Soda will be there too, but I need to tell you something."

Nicholas took Steve's words as his cue, getting to his feet and gripping his son's shoulder for a moment. "I'll be in my room, okay? Come get me if you need anything."

Steve met Nicholas' eyes, reminding himself to breathe, as he began to take what part of him still perceived to be a risk. "I will, Dad."

Nicholas shared a look with Soda, who stood on Steve's other side, taking the nod he received in return as a silent promise. He then retreated to his room, leaving his son and Audrey to talk.

Audrey waited at first, seeing Steve's hesitation, as she took a seat at the kitchen table. "What is it, Steve? Your dad's told me plenty about you, so I'm always glad to hear more."

Soda touched Steve's back, giving him both a physical anchor and a nudge forward, as they each sat down with Audrey.

Steve held his breath for a second, then let it out, as he found the words to begin. "I, uh, want you to know about something that happened to me almost a year and a half ago now. But, actually, it didn't really happen to me because I'm the one who did it."

Audrey saw how Steve was looking away from her, noting the glance his eyes then cast at Soda. "Okay. So what did you do? Your dad didn't go into detail, but he said this involves your hospital stay last summer. Did you get hurt or sick?"

Soda put his hand on Steve's back once more, the anxiety from his friend so palpable, he knew he had to offer help. "Stevie, do I need to tell her a little bit for you? Just to get you started?"

Steve didn't even hesitate with his answer. "Yeah. Please."

Soda's gaze shifted to Audrey, his hand still on Steve's back, as he went right into the subject his best friend wanted to get out in the open. "Audrey, it just ain't easy for Steve to talk about this, but he's tryin' to tell you he overdosed. He was in the hospital before cause his doctor wanted to make sure that didn't happen again. Since you and Nicholas are real serious now and all, he's wantin' you to know more about the stuff he's been through, especially since it still affects him sometimes."

Audrey started to take a moment to gather her thoughts, only to realize her silence could easily be misinterpreted. "I'm not sure what to say, Steve. Except I'm so sorry. How are you doing now?"

Steve took in the look on Audrey's face, seeing the sympathy that held no sign of judgment, as he realized she knew now. His future stepmom knew he'd once tried to end his life.

Soda leaned to meet Steve's eyes, as he gave the back of his neck a squeeze. "See, buddy? Everything's good. I can keep talkin' if you need me to, but I thought you might be wantin' to take it from here."

Steve lifted a hand to grasp the sleeve of Soda's shirt, hanging on, as he did his best to answer Audrey's question. "Um, I'm actually pretty good now. I see my counselor every week. More if I need to. But, well, I was doing that before my overdose too. I got a lot of extra counseling when I was in the hospital last summer. It was less scary to be there that time. When I took the pills, I was there for a few days. I hated staying, but they had to keep me because of what I did to myself."

Audrey nodded along, trying to imagine how Steve must've felt, even though her own life had no such parallel. "It sounds scary, especially to be there for that reason. If you don't mind my asking, what exactly happened? I understand that you overdosed, but what led to you getting help after?"

Steve glanced at Soda, seeing the encouragement in his best friend's brown eyes, as he still felt the hand on his back. "I called my dad. Cause I got really sick. I took Tylenol, so it didn't make me just go to sleep, like I'd thought. I called him at work, and he came and took me to the emergency room. I guess maybe some people who are suicidal might not want help or be glad to be alive after something like that. But I was and still am. When I got sick, it really hit me what I was doing, and I didn't want to die. Even if it meant still dealing with pain, I wanted to keep living. I hadn't counted on the way my body would react to the pills, so I think it gave me a kind of jolt too. It hurt a lot physically, and I was throwing up so much. If I hadn't gotten help soon enough, I would've damaged my liver."

"So you were okay then? Physically, I mean?"

"Yeah. Everything happened pretty fast, so I'm still healthy. I haven't hurt myself again since then, but I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings that were really similar. They got so bad last summer, I called my counselor in the middle of the day. She called my doctor, and after I saw him, he decided to admit me. With my really recent history, he didn't want to take any chances."

"Of course he wouldn't. Not when it's your life in the balance."

"Yeah. He took great care of me, and my counselor did too. So, um, now you know the rest. I feel like that's important because of how things are going between you and my dad. I know I'm nineteen, so you being a stepparent won't be the same as it would be if I was a little kid. But you'll be married to him, and he and I probably aren't what you'd call a normal father and son after all the stuff we've been through together. Sometimes, I still need him in ways other guys my age usually don't need their parents, so I want you to understand all the reasons for that, not just some of them."

Audrey reached for Steve's hand just as she saw blue eyes peeking at them from around the corner. "I do. Even before you told me this part, I could see why you have the kind of relationship you do. But thank you for trusting me, Steve. And when it's time, I'll be honored to call you my stepson."

"Aw, you did great in there, Stevie. It's my turn to be proud of you now."

Steve sat on the porch swing with Soda, his mind still on the conversation he'd had just a short time earlier. "It is, huh? Well, I know you were proud of me already too. It's a mutual thing between us."

Soda studied Steve for a short moment, his feet making the swing sway back and forth. "It sure is. That's unconditional from my end too, just so you know."

"Yeah, I do know that, man. I didn't plan to get the way I did, Soda. I didn't mean for you to have to tell Audrey anything for me. I thought I'd be able to do it myself."

"You told her plenty, and it's what I was here for anyway. I wanted to do whatever I could to help."

"So she took it all right then, huh? I guess I'm still trying to soak that in and believe it."

"Yeah, I can tell. It's showin' in your eyes and all over your face."

Steve couldn't deny the memories that were present, as he processed what was now true, the novelty feeling like it was turning a page for him. "It has been almost a year and a half."

"I know. Lots of milestones going on around here, ain't there? It's really somethin' to see."

"Yeah. It is." Steve put his head on Soda's shoulder, as he felt a breeze touch his cheek, the coolness sending a chill through him. He then closed his eyes, as more wind blew against his skin, the air soothing the thoughts he knew could easily lead him to a different place.

Soda felt Steve resting against him, uncertain exactly how concerned he ought to be, as he looked at his friend's closed eyes. "I'm not sure what the right thing to ask is, but are you okay? I ain't sayin' I mind or anything, but other times when you've leaned on me like this, there's been somethin' wrong."

"Don't worry, buddy. There's nothing wrong. I'm just breathing in the moments and thinking about how far we've both come."

"Thank you for being so good with Steve and everything he told you today. I know it's a lot to take in."

Audrey lay on the bed beside Nicholas, the couple fully-clothed, as they enjoyed a little bit of time alone. "It is. But I'm glad Steve trusts me enough to talk about it. I say that especially in light of how recent it actually is. I can't help but look back and realize it had to be only a few months before I met you."

Nicholas allowed his mind to venture into his own memories, realizing he no longer had to shelter the fact of Steve's suicide attempt from Audrey. "You're right. It hadn't been long at all. And now, I can tell you about how it was the scariest day of my life."

"No matter what went on the other night, I know you can't call yourself a shitty friend after that."

Soda sat across from Darry at the kitchen table, as they both finished off slices of chocolate cake. "Yeah. Maybe not. But it ain't really that simple. It's not like there's ever a time I wouldn't help him with talkin' through somethin'."

Darry chewed and swallowed a bite of cake, his fork pointing right at Soda, as he spoke. "That's exactly what I'm saying, little buddy. Just by virtue of always wanting to help, you can't be a bad friend. Hell, it makes you an incredible friend and person. You are keeping your appointment with Dr. Morgan tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah. I still really want to talk to her, so I ain't cancelin' it. Don't worry."

"Are you planning to tell her what you didn't last time too?"

Soda pressed his fork into the last bite of cake, then changed his mind and pushed the plate away. "I kind of have to. It all goes together."

"Good. You already know how I feel about you keeping things from her. It makes me uneasy."

"Yeah, I know it did, Dar. But I swear I'm fixin' that, and tomorrow, I'll be totally honest."

"I was fine with it, Steve. The whole conversation needed to be completely on your terms."

Steve went into Nicholas' room, where his dad was reading the Bible at his desk. "Yeah. I know it did. But I guess I wanted to make sure we're okay. I kind of got a funny feeling when you left us to talk without you."

Nicholas closed the Bible, putting his focus solely on Steve. "We are okay, Son. I'm sure whatever you felt then was just from being nervous. I'm glad Sodapop was there with you to help. It's all right to need different people at different times, and I understand why you asked him."

Steve sat down on the edge of the bed, his gaze leveled with Nicholas'. "So I didn't hurt you? You can tell me if I did."

Nicholas moved to be next to Steve, one hand lifting to touch his son's face. "No. You didn't hurt me at all. I admit I felt pain at the idea of you having to talk about your overdose, but that's the case whether I'm there to hear it or not. That's pain for you, and it's also part of remembering what happened. But it's okay, Son. You did what you wanted to do, and now, things are out in the open between you and Audrey."

Steve put his hand over Nicholas', squeezing it, as he once again gave a voice to the rest of what was still bothering him. "I was scared, Dad. Because I'd never want her to break up with you over me or what I did. I want you to have this. I want you to have each other."

"And we do. She's glad you trust her in that way, Son. She's not breaking up with me at all, and she's sure not doing it because of anything to do with you. Like I've said before, she loves you."

Steve laid his head on Nicholas' chest, his arms wrapping around his dad.

Nicholas felt the silence, as he hugged Steve back, unsure if he'd gotten through to him. "Are you okay? I don't want you to be worried again. Audrey and I have a healthy relationship, and we're doing fine with keeping it that way, no matter what you choose to tell her."

"Yeah. I'm okay. I know that too. I know it isn't my responsibility."

"Right. We know how to communicate and figure out issues, so that means you can-"

"Dad. I get it." Steve squeezed Nicholas tighter, feeling his dad do the same to him. "And, right now, I just want to focus on how glad I am to be here."

"Have you ever done that, Dar?"

Darry was passing by Soda's room on the way to his own when he was confused by his middle brother's sudden question. "Have I ever done what?"

Soda opened the window, letting the cool air inside before he curled up under the covers of his bed, the room lit only by light from the hallway. "Been angry, but still a good person. Still supportive."

"Well, yeah, sure, little buddy. You can be angry without it necessarily dictating every action you take. You can make choices that go above it. Actually, I'm sure you know that's something I've had to work on, especially these past few years."

"Yeah, I guess I did know that. I've seen you get angry and do or say stuff you regretted, but I've also seen you be kind anyway. You've been angry and loving at the same time."

"That's a good way to put it, and it's pretty much what I was trying to teach Pony last year about not letting the fact that he was mad decide how he treated you. Are you feeling angry at somebody?"

"Maybe. I ain't really sure. It's been confusing. I mean, I know I've been angry, but I hate thinkin' it's directed at anybody. No one's done anything bad to me."

"I know you were really supportive of Steve today. Have you been angry at him?"

"No. Of course not. That wouldn't be right."

"I've seen you struggle with anger before, Pepsi Cola. And it's never been from anything other than caring very deeply or hurting inside yourself. Feeling it wasn't wrong, and you haven't been one to let it make you treat anyone badly."

"That sounds nice, Dar, but it ain't quite true. You know it too cause I've lashed out at you."

"Yeah, but I mean it's never been anything more than those kinds of quick moments. You catch yourself and apologize, and it's clearly never intentional. Feeling anger is just human, so if you are now, it's all right."

"It's so suffocating to me. I hate it. Especially when it doesn't make any sense."

"Maybe it doesn't have to make sense. Or maybe it will later. But, going back to what you asked me, that part is what matters. If you were still supportive, despite being angry, you didn't let it get in the way of love, and that's the best thing you can choose to do."

"I'll see you later, man. I'm definitely swinging by sometime after your appointment, so I'll probably catch you on the porch."

Soda punched out on the time clock, his card now stamped with 3:45 p.m., as he replied to Steve. "Okay, Stevie. I'll see you then."

Steve stood near the DX station's counter, as he watched his friend go toward the door. "Soda?"

"Yeah?"

"I just want it to be crystal clear that I won't push you to talk about your appointment if you don't want to. If there are things you need to keep between you and Dr. Morgan, it's fine by me, and I want you to have that."

"Thanks, Steve."

Steve saw Soda push the door open, speaking again before the other man could step outside. "Soda?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to take another shot at a game of pool tonight? This time, I'll make sure to finish kicking your ass."

"Yeah, I swear I didn't do it to hurt myself or anything like that. I really haven't been having suicidal thoughts. I was honest about that part."

Dr. Morgan sat at the round table across from Soda, as her client took her through the details he'd left out during their previous session. "Okay. So what I'm hearing is you sought some moments of relief during a time in your life that's been particularly stressful. You had no destructive intentions. What occurred just after you took the cough syrup?"

Soda tried to read Dr. Morgan's face, not hearing or seeing any sign of the disappointment he'd so feared. "I, um, went to sleep. My mind got real fuzzy, then I was out like a light."

"How long were you asleep?"

"A few hours, I guess."

"And what was it like to wake up? What did you think? How did you feel?"

"I was just confused at first. Steve was sayin' somethin' to me about talkin', and I didn't know why. Then, I saw the bottle of cough syrup on my dresser and remembered. I've felt bad about it ever since."

"I think I can reasonably infer why you chose not to tell me about this before, so I won't delve deeper into that aspect, but is it what led you to call for a sooner appointment?"

"It's kind of part of it. Cause I knew I should tell you. It was just hard because I did somethin' I know I shouldn't. But what made me call when I did was actually somethin' to do with Emily."

"Okay. Did anything happen with the adoption?"

"No. Well, you know about how Penny and me can't see her yet cause we're her birth parents. My brothers can't have contact with her either since they're blood relatives."

"Of course. I'm aware."

"Nicholas, Steve's dad, has seen her, and so has Audrey cause she's Emily's aunt by adoption. So between that and bein' able to talk to Samuel, I know how she's doin'. I know she has lots of people in her life, who care about her and about me and Penny at the same time."

"Definitely. Even from my vantage point, I can see Emily's a child with plenty of love."

"Yeah, and so since I can't see her, I wanted one of the people closest to me to visit. I asked Steve to go see her, and he wasn't sure about it at first. He thought it could end up hurtin' me since we're close in a way that I'm not with his dad. Or anybody, really. It's different. He's friends with Samuel, but he was all right with just seein' him at church or at his own house."

"Okay. So did Steve agree to visit Emily?"

"Yeah. We went back and forth about it for a bit cause I really wanted him to do it for me, and he wanted me to be sure. So, anyway, he did go see her last Wednesday. I was real anxious to see him after that and talk. I just wanted to hear how things were with Emily and what it was like."

"And all was well?"

"Yeah. I mean, she's just bein' a baby. Steve held her and talked to her. I'm glad about that too. If I can't do it, he's the best to be there for me."

"Maybe I'm incorrect, but I'm sensing something regarding this visit did hurt you?"

"Kind of. I had a lot of mixed feelings. But I thought I was okay. I even felt sort of numb and just not sure. Then, come the next day, me and Steve played pool. I snapped during the game and yelled at him. I yelled a lot that night, and I was just mean to him. I said stuff I'd never usually say cause I got angry."

"Why were you angry?"

"I thought I was still mad at myself over the cough syrup, and maybe I was. But there's more than that. I think I was actually mad at Steve for seein' Emily. For bein' allowed to see her when I'm not. He didn't do anything wrong though, and I felt like a horrible friend cause I made it tough for him on Thursday night when all he was doin' was tryin' to be my best friend and help me with that anger."

"Did you tell him you were angry with him?"

"No. I didn't get it at first. I just knew I felt mad, and it hurt. But when I did realize what might be happening, I couldn't tell him. It ain't his fault."

"No. Of course it isn't. But anger is not always rational. Perhaps you're angry at the situation as a whole, and the circumstances led you to attribute it to Steve. Especially since this is someone with whom you're so emotionally open and intimate."

"Yeah, that would make sense. I do know how anger can be too. Or just about any emotion. I just hate it cause I still feel kind of angry, and I shouldn't take it out on somebody in my life who is always reachin' out to me. Steve's one of those people who didn't even put any blame on me for how I acted. Instead of walkin' away or fightin' back, he just stood his ground and kept pullin' me closer."