"Thanks for cooking dinner, little buddy. I was starving, and it really hit the spot."

Soda brushed off Darry's gratitude, as he dried the dishes. "It was my turn, Dar. Besides, I've been gone at dinner time a lot lately."

Darry followed Soda's gaze that had ventured to the front window, as Pony and Steve were hanging out on the porch. "It never stops being nice to see them getting along, does it?"

"No. It sure doesn't. Can I ask you somethin' that's sort of personal?"

"I think so. What kind of personal?"

"Just about your feelings and stuff like that. Have you ever been angry at somebody and not been able to tell them about it?"

"I don't see what's so personal about that. I've told you things about how I've felt before. We've talked about anger lately too."

"Yeah. This just seems different though. I ain't sure exactly why."

"Well, to answer your question, I'm sure I have, but my anger tends to come out pretty damn clearly. It does the telling for me."

"I think mine has been too."

Darry washed another dish, seeing tiny soap bubbles float into the air, as he again followed Soda's gaze to the window. "Whatever's going on, I know you two have the kind of relationship where you can talk it out. I think you can tell him about it, even if it won't be the most comfortable or pleasant conversation."

"Huh? You think I can tell who about what?"

"Steve. If you're angry at him for some reason, I'm sure you two can do just fine with working it out. You've had to deal with worse during your friendship."

"I didn't say I was angry at Steve."

"You might as well have. A lot of what you've said to me this past week or so sure adds up to that. You've given me all the clues here, little buddy, and my instinct is to fit them together and help you solve the problem."

"Did you really think you were getting rid of me that easily?"

Soda sat out in the backyard, tree branches spread out right above him, as Steve came close to his side. "No, I guess not. You always are a stubborn pain in the ass."

Steve got down on the ground with Soda, his best friend's words not making him even want to back away. "You're pretty damn stubborn too, buddy."

"I don't want to tell you what's going on, and I don't have to."

"I think you already did. Are you angry that I went over to Samuel's and saw Emily? Did I hurt you?"

"No. Of course not. Why would it hurt me for you to see my daughter when I can't? Why would that be painful?"

"You said you were still mad at yourself over taking the cough syrup. That wasn't all, was it?"

"You know everything already, so why are you even askin'?"

"I don't know everything. I just know what you've told me and how tough it's been for you to be completely at peace with the adoption. But, above all else, I know how much I care about you, so I want to-"

"You don't need to say it all again. I know you want to help. I know you want me to talk and tell you how I feel. Even if I'm mad at you, you want to be the one to hear me out."

"Yeah. That's basically it. Even though I wish I had better words right now for something that's this important. I'm not saying you have to tell me anything else, but it looks like what you've done so far to deal with how you're feeling isn't working. If it was enough, you wouldn't be so upset tonight."

"What I've been doin' worked just fine til you went over to Samuel's today. It was enough til you told me you saw Emily again. I didn't ask you to this time, so why did you do it? Why did you have to come over and rub it in my face?"

"I thought you'd want to know I saw her, man. You did before. If I had known you'd get pissed off, I wouldn't have said anything to you. Better yet, I wouldn't have held Emily or even gone in her room. I'd have just stayed outside. But I did it for you. I held her and kissed her on the head, and I told her I love her. I did all that because you can't right now and because she's your birth daughter. That makes her so damn special to me. And, to top it off, she's Samuel's baby, so she'll be my cousin after my dad marries Audrey. It still goes back to you though, buddy, so don't treat me like I did something bad when I didn't. I can understand you being mad, but you didn't tell me, so I couldn't do anything different here. You said I know everything, but I don't, and it never even crossed my mind that this could be why you've had so much anger. I can handle it, but not if you aren't honest with me. I can't fix what I don't know is broken."

"Well, you know now. You know you were way more that right about it hurtin' me for you to be with Emily when I can't."

"I don't give a damn about being right. I hope you know that."

"Yeah. Sure I do."

"I mean it, Soda. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that you're hurt and angry. I never want to do anything to cause that. I hate seeing you in pain."

"But I'm hurtin' you too. I know I am."

Steve put his arm around Soda, guiding his head to rest on his own shoulder. "I love you, brother. I remember saying I'd love you through this time, so that's what I'm doing. Even though it does hurt like hell for you to say the things you just did, I'm standing by that. It wouldn't help you at all if I didn't, and that couldn't make me feel better right now either. You can't get through this anger if I'm here fanning the flames, and it would only make things worse for both of us. I wish you weren't mad at me, but there's nothing in my heart that blames you for it. I know it's not your fault or the way you want to be. It's just a feeling that's hard to heal and one that needs a lot of kindness."

Soda moved his head to Steve's chest, as he lifted a hand to grip the front of his shirt. "You don't deserve for me to treat you like you did somethin' wrong. Cause you didn't, Stevie. I was tryin' not to tell you about this cause it ain't fair."

Steve put his hand on top of Soda's, as he felt his best friend's fist tighten its hold on him. "But you never needed to do that. You could have told me how you were feeling. We talk about everything, and anger doesn't have to be an exception. Not even if we get mad at each other."

"I didn't realize it at first. Not til I was already bein' a jerk to you."

"But still. I would've listened."

"What was I supposed to say? Hey, Steve, I'm pissed off at you cause you did somethin' I asked for? Cause you held my baby when I'm not allowed to? Cause you get to see her and love her while I have to wait?"

"Yeah. If that's what's happening, it's exactly what you should say. I don't want to make it sound like you have to tell me everything you ever think or feel, but if it's something to do with me, I want to know."

"I guess I would too."

"I'll back off. Okay, man? I won't see Emily again until you can."

"But I hate that. I want you to know her."

"And I will. I'll know her when you do. It's not even that long, buddy, and I don't want to keep making you mad at me."

Soda lifted his head off Steve's chest, his fingers slowly releasing the front of his shirt. "Dr. Morgan said somethin' I think is right about that. She told me I'm really just angry about the situation, and it's gettin' directed at you cause we're so close."

"Yeah. That makes sense. It hurts that you have a child you're not raising. As much as you know you and Penny have done the best thing you could, that's still painful. Being hurt can sure piss you off too, and I'm the only one that anger could go toward right now."

"You're so damn understanding. That's one reason it bothered me to tell you. This ain't your fault either. It doesn't even feel right to be mad at you."

"It's not wrong though, man. It's just a feeling, like I said. I guess I'm understanding because I get it and because it's you. I know you've been really trying too, but I think you needed to tell me the whole truth. Being open has to make you feel better."

Soda put his arm around Steve this time, the moment helping to quench his anger and grief, as it also reminded him that their friendship was anything but fragile. "Yeah. It did."

Steve felt Soda squeeze him, recognizing the relief he himself was experiencing, as certain things began to make much more sense. "Can you forgive me, brother? As much as we can both say I didn't do anything wrong, I did hurt you. I know it's more about the adoption than it is about me, but still. I need to hear that we're all right."

"We are. Don't worry, Stevie. I'm real sorry about the stuff I said. I mean all of it. Not just tonight. I'm feelin' like a broken record cause I've been apologizin' for so much lately."

"I'm pretty sure I know the feeling, man. I've definitely been there before."

"I promise I'll do better, okay? I won't take my anger out on you, no matter where it comes from or why it's there."

"I know you'll do your best. Don't be too tough on yourself about it. I know I'm not."

"I'll try. I'll have compassion for myself, just like you've said." Soda put his head on Steve's shoulder once again, drawing comfort from both his friend and the God-given air surrounding them during this much needed time that brought reassurance and forgiveness.

"We aren't in any kind of rush here, so I think you should do it, Nicholas."

"I really do want to help him with this. I don't exactly have the most precise idea of how much college costs, but I know it's not cheap. Especially since he'll have tuition on top of living expenses."

"So, save for our wedding and for Steve then. I think you'd arrive at that conclusion without me, but let's call this our first life decision as an engaged couple."

"You were right, Dar. Steve and me talked it out."

Darry joined Soda in his room, as the middle brother was fastening the splint onto his wrist. "I figured you must have. I could see you outside in the yard, and that sure didn't look like a fight."

Soda secured the last of the velcro, as he reflected on the last couple of hours. "I think I tried to make it into a fight, but Steve wouldn't take the bait. He never does."

"That's good because you don't need a fight. It won't get you what you need. Not even when it feels like it will."

"He still told me the truth though, and he stood up for himself. He just did it in the kindest way there is. Instead of throwing the shit I was givin' him back at me, he told me he loves me."

"So what was this about anyway? Why were you angry?"

"Cause of Emily. It ended up hurtin' me when Steve went to see her. Even though I wanted him to, and I really still do, it made somethin' in me mad cause I can't be around her yet."

"I take it Steve could understand that then?"

"Yeah. I ain't sure how I ever even doubted that. He's good about not takin' stuff personal when it comes to feelings. Especially because he knows all about how they don't always do what we want them to. He said he won't see Emily any more til I can. It's confusin' to me though cause I really do want him to know her."

"You're important enough for him to wait on that, little buddy. It's only what? About six more weeks til you can visit?"

"Yeah. Not long at all. I can't wait to see her, Dar. But I've got no idea how it'll feel."

"I can't say I know that either, but I do know it'll be good for you. You're all about being there for and loving the people in your life, so you'll do the same thing with Emily."

Soda felt Darry's hand on his back, as he looked down at the splint that worked to support his wrist and arm, helping his injury heal from the inside out. "I just hope I'm okay with it. I don't want to go through any more bad stuff. Sometimes, I feel like I'm only a few steps away from it. I'm not sure what to do about that either."

"I think you're already doing everything you can. Don't make this harder than it is by looking for more when you have the answers."

"I told Steve I'd go for my GED."

"You did?"

"Yeah. Cause I want him to go to college to be a counselor, so he said he will if I go for my GED when he starts school."

"So when will all this happen?"

"Not yet. I think it'll be a while. I'm hopin' to build up a little more confidence in the meantime. I know ya'll have always wanted me to get my diploma, so maybe I can do what I couldn't before. Maybe this time, I'll really have a chance."

"Dad? What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

Nicholas stepped inside the DX and went toward the front counter, where Steve stood by the register. "No, Son. Nothing is wrong. I just wanted to show you something."

Steve noticed the paper in Nicholas' hand just before his dad held it out to him. "What's this?"

"Just read it. You'll see."

Steve looked at the print on the page that had Tulsa City Bank at the top, seeing his own name next to Nicholas', an account number on the following line, along with the figure $50.00. "It's a bank account for me? But I have one already."

"A savings account, to be exact. I'll be putting a cut of my check in it every time I get paid."

"Why? Wait. Is this because of what I said about college?"

"Yes. I want to help you save for that, Son. All it takes is a little at a time, and-"

Steve threw his arms around Nicholas, earning a look from both an incoming customer and Soda, who was outside at the pumps. "Thank you, Dad. You're amazing."

"So are you, and I want you to have a path to school. That way, there won't be anything to stop you when you decide you're ready to apply."

"Hey. Thanks for meetin' me here. I know you just got off work and all too."

Samuel got out of his car, joining Soda in the church parking lot. "It's no problem. Is there something going on?"

Soda followed Samuel to the front of the church, the preacher unlocking the door, so the two could step inside the sanctuary. "No. I mean, kind of. But it's not like anything happened. It's just me and how I always am with stuff."

Samuel took a seat on one of the back row pews, Soda following suit. "And how is that?"

"Emotional and anxious."

"Are you worried about us changing our minds as far as visiting Emily again?"

"No. I know you won't."

"Good. Because we're invested in giving her the best life she can have, and I don't doubt that that includes you and Penny."

"I love ya'll for bein' the way you are about this. I sure couldn't ask for anything better. Even if I feel like I ain't worth it."

"Of course you're worth it. You're God's child, and nothing he creates is worthless."

"I like thinkin' of it like that. It's nice to remember he can never look at me in a bad way."

"It's not even possible for him to. So what did make you want to talk then?"

"I feel like I'm wastin' your time here, but I just want to know if you'll pray for me."

"How could that be wasting my time? Sodapop, I love you. That was true before anyone even knew Emily would be born. But you helped my wife and I have something we wouldn't otherwise. There's nothing you could ask for that would ever be a waste of my time."

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like that. I'm just not feelin' the best."

"Is that why you want me to pray for you?"

"Yeah. Part of it anyway. I feel like I'm going in circles a lot. Talkin' to Steve and to Darry. Tryin' to be all right. But I'm not sure if I really am."

"What makes you think you aren't?"

"Just that I get upset. Even angry. And scared too."

"I know I'm a preacher, not a psychologist or anything in that sort of profession, but I don't think those feelings mean you're not all right. They just mean you've been through some difficult trials lately. Maybe I can't fully judge from where I stand now, but I've definitely seen you at times when you weren't well at all."

"Yeah. And I'm not like that. I'm just sad and too many other things. But I'm not even sure I should be tellin' you this kind of stuff, you know? I mean, you've said our friendship wouldn't change, and you want me to be open with you. But it feels wrong to tell you when you're the one who's raisin' Emily."

"It feels wrong to tell me what? I can't even think of anything I'm not okay with hearing if it's what's on your mind."

"I guess what I'm thinkin' here is, well, what if what I believe I want ain't actually what I want? It seems like I'm always mixed up, so even when what I hope for happens, it feels like I don't want it anymore."

"It sounds like you're taking a course in philosophy. What is it you want?"

"I want to see Emily when enough time has gone by."

"And you think there's a chance that isn't what you truly want?"

"Yeah. That's what I'm tryin' to say anyway. But it sounds bad."

"So is there something else you wanted that didn't turn out the way you expected once it happened?"

"Yeah. Somethin' else with Emily. Cause I wanted Steve to see her, and I got real hurt and angry over it after he did."

"I didn't know that."

"Neither did he for a little bit there. We're fine though. It got the best of me sometimes, but it was nothin' we couldn't share."

"Do you think you'll be unhappy about it when you do get to visit Emily?"

"I'm just wonderin' about it cause I get so emotional about stuff, and it ain't always a good thing. I don't want to spend time with her, then realize I'm mad at ya'll or at Penny."

"But once you do spend time with her, that changes the biggest part of the equation. It changes the part that's the hardest for you right now." Samuel took Soda's hand into his own, putting the other on the younger man's shoulder. "I think I know what to pray for now. Not that I had to for God to be able to understand."

"Cause he does already. Even better than I can."

"Exactly. He's not taken off guard by your emotions, even when you are. Since he's the one who created you, he's perfectly aware of how you'll feel and react in every possible situation. No matter how unexpected something is for you, he's never the least bit surprised."

"You should come, Stevie. Especially since we talked about going bowlin' anyway."

Steve sat in Soda's room with him, as his best friend was getting ready to go out. "I don't know, man. I'd feel like a fifth wheel."

Soda stood in front of the mirror, combing his hair into place, as he could see Steve's reflection right beside his own. "But you wouldn't be. It's barely even a date. Just two couples bowlin' together."

"Which basically makes it a double date."

"Yeah, but it ain't any kind of romantic one. Besides, I might need you to cheer me on."

"Cheer you on? Why?"

"Cause I haven't bowled since before I got shot."

"Geez, buddy. Since you put it like that, I guess I will come along."

"There you go! That's the spirit. This way, we'll be three dudes and two gals takin' down some pins."

"Strike!"

"That was not a strike, TwoBit! You only knocked over eight pins!"

"You're just jealous cause you almost missed on your last turn, Steve-O!"

"How is nine pins almost a miss?"

"Well, it ain't a strike."

"Which brings us back to our original argument. Yours ain't either!"

"Oh, listen to you usin' words like original."

"Aw, hush, man. You got the spare, so it's Soda's turn now anyway."

Soda picked up his bowling ball, looking behind him to see Penny and Kathy next to one another, as Steve and TwoBit's bickering came to an end. He first put the thumb and fingers of his right hand into the holes, only to find the grip felt too weak and his strength not quite up to par.

Soda caught Steve's gaze, as he switched sides, the fingers and thumb of his left hand sliding into the holes. He then stood on the floor marks that would guide him forward and began to approach his turn.

Steve took in a breath and held it, as he saw Soda glide up to the black line, his arm winding back, then releasing the ball.

Soda couldn't look away, as the bowling ball rolled a little too much to the right, hovering on the edge of the gutter, before it changed directions and bumped into the center pin.

Steve let out the breath, as all ten pins fell, the bowling ball disappearing from sight.

Soda's eyes remained on the fallen pins and the path the ball had taken, as it had seemed to veer off track, yet still found its way to the ultimate goal.

A/N So this is the end of Part I! :)