"What do you mean you're not going?"

Soda slipped a coin into the vending machine's slot as Steve joined him in the break room. "I mean just that. I called earlier and canceled my appointment."

Steve watched as his friend pressed one of the buttons on the vending machine, which then dispensed a Snickers bar. "Why? You've been going every week for like two months now."

"Exactly. I don't think I need to go that often anymore."

"It seems like this would be a particularly bad time to stop though."

"Don't worry, Stevie. It ain't like I'm not going at all. I just think I'm ready to go back to every other week now."

"This isn't some other version of what you were telling me yesterday afternoon, is it?"

"What do you mean? Some other version of what?"

"What you said about not accomplishing anything because you feel like you're just going around in circles. Is that what you think about counseling too?"

"Maybe. That and I just don't want to keep going all the time. I'm not sayin' I don't still need it though, so don't think that. What I am sayin' is I think it's all right to back off a little. I've been seein' Dr. Morgan for a year, so I've learned plenty about how to handle things. It might be different if she was the only one I have to talk to, but she's not. I have a lot of support."

"That's true, man. I definitely can't say you haven't been one to ask for what you need most of the time either. It sounds like you're thinking straight too. I just wish you didn't feel like you're going in circles, as much as I can empathize with it. Things have seemed that way for me too. More than once, for sure."

"I think I just need to take stuff as it comes, you know? Not keep delvin' into my thoughts and feelings, like they're real urgent."

"Is that what you meant when you said you need to stop grieving?"

"Yeah. I guess so. I mean, I know that sounds like I'm tryin' to deny stuff, but I'm not. I'm just ready for a different stage since things are changin' a lot, like you said."

"I've gotta admit I'm glad that wasn't the way it sounded 'cause it's scary to think you'd try to shove your feelings down. That's never turned out great before."

"Nah. I ain't doin' that. If I'd wanted to, I would've failed already when Samuel came over. Besides, I'd just have you on my back about it till I caved since you like to be a stubborn pain in the ass."

Steve felt Soda elbow him, the grin on his friend's face making him smile in return. "Well, with a best buddy like you, I don't have much of a choice, do I?"

"So it's my fault you're stubborn, huh?"

"Partially. But I know I've brought out the same in you at times. Except I don't think it's really stubbornness when it's about the two of us making sure we keep an eye on each other."

"What is it then?"

"Devotion. The best kind that there is, and I sure wouldn't have us any other way."

"Sorry for just showin' up like this, but I, um, I guess I wanted to talk to you again."

Samuel dismissed Soda's apology as he invited him inside. "That's fine. Come on in."

Soda followed Samuel into the Evans house, his eyes immediately looking around for Emily.

"So how has your day been? I just got home and settled in myself."

"My day's been all right. Nothin' unusual, I guess. Just work at the DX. So, uh, where's Emily?"

"Vivian took her to the park. She's starting to get where she really enjoys going out."

"Oh. Of course."

Samuel sat down on the couch in the living room, Soda then doing the same. "What did you want to talk about? I was pretty surprised to see you again already since we talked yesterday."

"I don't have anything in particular in my head. I'm just real comfortable with you. I do kind of feel like there's stuff I need to say, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

"Okay. Well, we can just see where the conversation takes us. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to drop by. It reminds me of Steve, actually."

"Yeah. I'm sure. We're takin' a little road trip next week. You know, just the two of us."

"A vacation for friends, huh? Where are you going?"

"Probably some city in Kansas. Not more than a couple hours away. I didn't say this to Steve yet, but I'm really lookin' forward to it. I mean, it ain't like we don't spend enough time together, but it'll be nice for there to be nothin' else besides. No distractions or anything."

"Of course. No everyday structure or schedule. Just you two and whatever you want to do."

"Exactly. I know he told you about that night he set up camp for us in my backyard. So it'll be a lot like that, except we'll be in a hotel this time."

"It sounds like fun. I'm glad you're getting a chance to take some time away. I think the idea keeps with recapturing childhood too, like Steve said you were doing with camping out."

"Yeah. I hadn't even thought of that, but it is kind of the same thing. Just in a different place."

Samuel went over to the refrigerator and opened it, his gaze focused on the inside. "Do you want anything to drink or even to eat? Vivian made this fabulous vegetable soup last night. Sometimes, I think she should've been the chef." Cold air touched Samuel's face as he waited for an answer. When the silence continued, he turned to look at Soda, who remained on the couch, his eyes closed and body still. "Sodapop?" The younger man didn't reply, so Samuel closed the refrigerator and went back to the living room, resuming his place beside Soda. "If you wanted to see Emily, I'm sure they'll be back soon. She's not up for very long outings just yet."

Soda drew in a deep breath as he opened his eyes and tried to focus on Samuel. "It's not that. I mean, I do want to see her. But I feel funny right now. Sorry I wasn't answerin' you before."

"That's all right. What do you mean you feel funny? Are you getting sick?"

"No. Or at least I don't think so. My head feels weird and like I'm somewhere else. I'm not sure what's going on with me."

"I'm not sure either. Do you know of anything that might help?"

"Yeah. Just stay with me? 'Cause this kind of feels like a flashback. I just don't know why."

"A flashback? You mean like the ones you've had since the robbery?"

"Sort of. Except this seems different. It ain't those memories that are botherin' me."

"Which ones are they then?"

"I can't tell. It just feels like there's something, and I'm not seein' it."

"Has that happened before?"

"Yeah. It happened at church once. I couldn't figure it out at first, then I started talkin' to Steve, and I got it."

"Okay. I'm not Steve, but I'm here if talking to me will help too."

"Then, it was 'cause bein' in the church reminded me of how I'd prayed for him there, and I was tryin' to handle my feelings over his suicide attempt."

"And being inside the church touched on how you felt seeing Steve struggling since that's what led you there in the first place."

"Right. But now, I'm not gettin' this at all. I'm in your house, like I have been lots of times. Nothin' has ever happened here before. Maybe I'm just havin' anxiety 'cause of bein' a birth father and all. So it's makin' me feel overwhelmed."

"That could be it. You're finding your place in Emily's life and getting used to the whole concept. As I've pointed out before too, you've been through much more than most your age could comprehend."

Soda felt himself nod as his head swam with emotions that he was unable to name, each one burrowing deep inside in a way that helped them solidify their hold. "I remember you sayin' that when I talked to you about how bad I got after the shooting."

Samuel slipped his hand into Soda's giving it a squeeze. "Yes. That's the time I'm thinking of right now. You can tell me if I'm venturing too far, but we did have some hard conversations right here in this room then. We had yet another when you came over after Penny decided she did want us to adopt Emily. Now that I'm thinking about it, the way you look now reminds me of that day."

"Yeah. So you've kind of seen it before. What you just said makes sense, but this feels stronger and like there's somethin' real deep happening in my heart."

"Maybe it's everything we've both mentioned, and that's why you can't pin down a single reason. You have so many recent memories to draw on, and they all stand out somehow."

"Yeah. They do. They all mean somethin' too." Soda squeezed Samuel's hand, as it had yet to let go of his own. He then leaned closer, letting his head rest on the preacher's shoulder, as he felt a wave of longing wash over him. "I'm glad you're her daddy. I'm so thankful she has that. Every kid needs it for a long, long time."

"You're right. They do." Samuel felt Soda's head press into his shoulder, a thought flitting through his mind that he was quick to dismiss. "Being a father is an important job, and it's a blessing for me too. After Matthew died, I didn't know if I'd get to be that again. Or even if I'd want to. But I am, and I do."

Soda's eyes closed as he envisioned the vague shadow of a memory, an accompanying sense of loss making him feel hollow, even though its roots remained unclear.

Samuel looked first at the hands that were still joined, then at Soda's face, realizing how young he looked as he struggled to find relief.

Soda felt Samuel's other hand on his back, the touch creating more links in his mind, as he waited for clarity, even while knowing it would elude him until the answer was ready to be seen.

"I think you know how, Dad. You just love her, then the rest falls into place, right?"

Nicholas put the leftovers from his and Steve's dinner in the refrigerator, then joined his son in the living room. "I wish I could see it as being that simple, Son. But I'm glad you can and that you have some faith in me."

Steve switched on the TV, flipping through a few channels, before he sat on the couch with Nicholas. "Some faith? I have a lot of faith in you. I know you haven't been a husband in a long time, but it's not like you were bad at it before. You and Mom didn't get divorced or anything like that. I feel like I don't remember much, but I'm sure I would know if you two fought or had huge problems with each other."

"We didn't. We disagreed from time to time, as couples do. Or as anyone who's very close does sometimes. But I couldn't call it fighting. It just seems different now though because we were both young when we married, and there was nothing complicated to bring into it."

"You didn't have any baggage back then."

"Yes. And getting married was what everyone did. So we had the marriage, and then we had you a couple of years later. I worked. Your mom stayed home with you. That was basically it. We were just a normal family. But I'm not that man anymore."

"That's not a bad thing though. Audrey wants you the way you are now. Besides, I don't feel like you're that different as a person. You were for a while, but I think you're more like the man Mom fell in love with than you realize."

"I was different for a while, huh? I guess we're both thinking about the same time."

"Yeah. I mean, I know you want me to be honest with you about it. Mom's death affected you, and there's no shame in that. I've been different too, so that's something we share."

"Except you were a child who went through loss and abuse. I was an adult who made bad choices."

"You were an adult who went through loss and abuse too, Dad. Yeah, you made some bad choices, but it was a bad situation. You came out better for it though."

"Did I? That's part of what's making me question myself here. Once I wasn't a husband anymore, I wasn't a good father."

"But you're a better father now than you were even before Mom died. That's what I want you to see. You've grown so much, even with everything that's happened. So I know it might seem hard to be a husband again, but there's no reason to think you won't find your way with that too."

"Hey, I meant to ask you how your appointment with Dr. Morgan went today. "

Soda had a beer in his hand, feeling the swing move, as Darry sat down beside him. "Oh. I, um, didn't go."

Darry raised his eyebrows as he studied Soda, seeing his brother look away from him. "You didn't? Why not?"

"'Cause I don't think it's necessary to go every single week anymore."

"So you just skipped your appointment?"

"No. I called and canceled. It ain't a big deal, Dar. I'm okay."

"You haven't looked totally okay these last couple of nights. I would think now is the time to be as proactive as you can."

"That sounds right, but it wouldn't work. Not when I can't head off what I don't see comin' my way."

"Well, that's the point though. If you're proactive, then you will see it coming. Whatever it may be."

"That's easy for you to say. You're not where I am."

"No. But you can tell me about where the hell you are because I haven't been sure of it since after you came home from church yesterday."

"What are you talkin' about?"

"You've just been really quiet since then, little buddy. Something hasn't felt right to me. Even more so after Samuel came over. I know that hasn't exactly been unusual recently, but it still made me worry if he felt the need to talk to you."

"Everything makes you worry."

"Can you blame me?"

"No. You come by it honestly, that's for sure. Which is why I didn't say much when I came home from church or after Samuel left. That and I didn't want you to gloat."

"Gloat? Why would I gloat?"

"'Cause I'm not so sure anymore, all right?"

"You're not so sure about what?"

"The adoption! What else would I mean, Darry? What else would be botherin' me like this?"

"I don't know! That's why I was asking. You don't have to get pissed off over it. I'm just trying-"

"I know, okay? I know you're trying to help and all that. Everything feels like it's changin' a lot, but I know some stuff hasn't."

"So what happened then? What's making you not so sure about how this has turned out?"

"It's the little things, Dar. Practical ones, I guess you might call them. But please don't tell me you saw it first. Please don't tell me I should've known better."

"Why would I do that? Sodapop, I'm not here to kick you when you're feeling down. So don't think that's what I'll do. Damn, I've gotta admit though, it sounds like you could've used Dr. Morgan today."

"Yeah. Maybe. I'm just real confused 'cause I think one thing, then another. I thought I had it all sorted out in my head yesterday after I talked to Samuel, but now, I don't think I do. If I did, I wouldn't have felt whatever it was I did when I was with him today."

"What did you feel?"

"Just weird. Like I was havin' a flashback, but I couldn't see the memories. I just felt them."

"And you think that's because of Emily?"

"Yeah. I don't know what else it could be. I think it means I'm havin' doubts 'cause there are more painful moments right in front of me than I realized there would be. Seein' them all together at church was one of them. Hearin' Samuel call himself 'daddy' was another. I felt a lot better about this stuff once I talked to him, so I thought I was okay. But, after today, I'm really not sure what's happening."

"Hey, you coming, buddy? I know there's a milkshake with my name on it down at the DQ."

Soda lagged behind Steve as the two walked through the DX station's parking lot. "Yeah, yeah, I'm comin', Stevie. Just hold your horses."

Steve opened the door of his Ford, getting in and starting it up as Soda climbed in the passenger side. "So does that sound good, man?"

Soda closed the passenger door, his head then resting on the back of the seat. "Does what sound good?"

"The milkshake."

"Oh. Yeah, sure. That sounds fine."

Steve shifted the car into gear, driving out of the parking lot. "You planning to tell me what's up, or do I gotta get in there and try to read your mind?"

"I'm not sure if there's much to tell."

"It doesn't have to be a lot to still be important, and your face has spent all morning telling me it is."

"How do you get any work done if you're always lookin' at me?"

Steve turned onto the street, joining the flow of traffic. "I can multitask. I'm doing it right now."

"Yeah. Nice point. You're drivin' and talkin' to me at the same time."

"Not only that. I'm good at both. I can drive anything on wheels, and I can help you with any problem."

"Yeah. Almost."

"What do you mean?"

"You can't change things for me. You can't make them different."

Steve didn't respond as he got to the DQ's driveway, then pulled into one of the parking spaces. The Ford now still, he turned to Soda and held his hand out to him, his friend immediately taking it. "But I would if I could, which is exactly the spirit we both need to help each other. You haven't been able to change things for me either, but I could never say you don't make them different. You've damn sure done that for me plenty of times."

"I have?"

"Of course."

"How?"

"By being here to make me feel better. That makes it all different, man. No, you can't go back in time and change the circumstances or reach in and take bad memories or feelings away. But you always do a lot to make me feel loved and safe."

"I didn't think of it like that."

"So you need to then. 'Cause it's not good if you start thinking there are no solutions that matter. I don't need to be able to take the whole problem apart in order to solve it. I just need a view of what's happening and why."

"Sometimes, you're better at knowin' why than I am."

"I've thought the same about you too. But that's just because it can be easier to see things from outside than inside."

"I think I regret it, Stevie."

"Regret what?"

"The adoption. Lettin' Samuel and Vivian be Emily's parents."

"What? I thought you were all right with the way that's turning out. I know you've been so glad to be able to see her."

"I still am. But somethin' is wrong here, and all I can think is I'm not as happy as I thought I was."

"Is this because of what happened at church?"

"Part of it, I guess. 'Cause that made me really see what it means to be a birth father in an open adoption that's right here. We all live in Tulsa. We go to the same church. We know a bunch of the same people."

"Yeah. Which is the kind of connection you wanted."

"It is. It doesn't feel right though. I don't feel right at all, and I just keep tryin' to figure it out."

"I don't think that necessarily means you regret the adoption. You sound like you're drawing a conclusion because you feel like it's the only one. But it's not. There are other things that could be going on and making you out of sorts. This is all still so new for you, and you're putting too much on yourself if you automatically decide you must wish you and Penny had done something else."

Soda's eyes moved to the hands that still held on to one another, his own tucked into Steve's. "I was a lot like this when I went to see Samuel yesterday afternoon. I was holding on to his hand and leanin' on his shoulder. When he was talkin' to me, I kind of checked out. Like me and you both have before. I asked him to stay with me 'cause I felt like I was dreamin' or maybe even lost. Or like there was some emotion in my head I couldn't quite get. It was like there were memories, but they wouldn't let me see them. They were just there and makin' me hurt."

"Buddy, you're dealing with the fact that you've got a child in the world now. A child who's in your life. None of what you're saying means you regret anything. It just means you have a lot to cope with and accept."

"But Samuel's a great dad. I'm glad Emily has him. She has the best. I wouldn't want to take that from her. Or from him."

"I know. That's why I'm saying it's not regret." Steve released Soda's hand, moving his touch to his friend's back, as their eyes met. "Listen to me, okay? Give yourself more time. You've literally gone from the high of getting to have Emily in your life to the low of realizing there's more than one side to that coin. Your relationship with her has to exist right alongside the ones she has with Samuel and Vivian too. So you can't help but see them being her parents, and no one's expecting that not to be hard for you, especially at first. It doesn't mean you feel like this was a mistake. You're still grieving, brother, but I promise that pain will eventually ease, and all the doubts will have no choice but to fade."