"It's not like I can say I haven't done the same thing, you know? It makes me think of that time I called out of work, then went off alone and sat in the cemetery. I can't believe that was almost two years ago now."

Laura watched Steve's eyes as his gaze moved to the window that was framed by yellow curtains, the two in close proximity as they discussed the most recent week. "I remember learning about that, and I can see why you'd draw a connection to the way Sodapop chose to cope."

Steve stared at the window for a moment, his eyes boring into the glass that mixed privacy and transparency. "It's no wonder he needed to be by himself. I remember how he worried I was suicidal then because of the things I'd said to him. But I wasn't. Not yet anyway. It's weird though because I was sitting around the cemetery. What else could I have been thinking about besides death?"

"I recall you saying that being there made you feel closer to your mother in some ways. So perhaps you were thinking about her."

"Yeah. I was. It wasn't long after that I told Soda dying had crossed my mind. And it did too. But it was different then. I wasn't suicidal, even if I did think about death and what it would be like."

"Your suicidal ideation was more passive at that time, and you weren't quite so aware of it until it became active."

"Yeah. I didn't even realize how I was thinking until Soda brought it up. He didn't even actually say the words though. It's kind of funny because me and him were so much less direct with each other back then. That makes it seem like a really long time ago, but it wasn't."

"Your friendship has grown in a manner you didn't anticipate because the situations you've confronted required you to be direct with one another."

"Right. We couldn't beat around the bush at all when things got too tough."

"Yesterday, when you didn't know where Sodapop had gone, were you concerned he was suicidal?"

"I wish I hadn't been, but yeah. Because I know how it can sneak up on you like that. I know how you can be at least kind of all right, then start falling apart inside."

"Did you tell him about your concerns?"

"No. He just told me how he was thinking about his parents when he was driving. I know he's thinking about them because of Emily, but I still feel sort of unsettled about it since they're dead. The last time Soda got too deep in remembering them, his head was in a pretty bad place. I don't like saying any of this though because they're his parents, so of course he thinks about them and remembers them. I don't want to sound like I think he shouldn't."

"I think you have to distinguish between what it means to remember deceased loved ones and what it means to contemplate the deaths themselves. Those concepts aren't quite one and the same."

"Yeah. I mean, it sounded like he was mostly thinking about the deaths because he said he was on the road, and that's the last place they were. It's where they died. But I don't know if I should talk to him about it anymore since he needs this. He needs to remember his dad and grapple with the idea that he's a father without one himself. I just don't want that to get too dark for him."

"There's your answer then, Steve. You can tell Sodapop what you just told me. It's possible that will alleviate any concerns you still have about his mental state."

"But maybe I'm just worried because of myself, you know? I think it took a lot more for me to get where I don't usually have the suicidal thoughts. It hasn't been simple for him either, but he didn't go as far as I did. So maybe I don't need to be so afraid. He's an adult. He can handle himself. He doesn't need me to be there at every damn turn. I wasn't yesterday, and he did just fine on his own."

"You sound upset about that."

"What? Why would I be upset about it? He didn't do anything bad by not needing me. It wasn't wrong for my best friend to figure something out by himself."

"No. It isn't. But it's also not wrong for you to find security in the role you typically have in your friendship."

"Is that what you think this is? You think I'm feeling insecure? Why would I? I know where Soda and I stand. It's not like I need him to validate that all the time."

"I'm not suggesting you do, but what I think I'm observing is your reaction to being both afraid and away from your friend at the same time. I've listened to you discuss at length the types of conversations you share with Sodapop, so it's not difficult for me to see why not knowing what's happening with him would be a source of distress. I can also see why it may be painful for you to realize there were moments you didn't have the opportunity to see him through."

"I've done the same thing to him before though, so I have no right to be hurt over it."

"What do you mean? What do you believe you've done to Sodapop?"

"The day I overdosed, I left him out of what was going on. He worried for hours about how I was and if I was even alive. He knew less than I did yesterday. I couldn't help being afraid then, but I'm not sure if that's just me projecting onto him because I'm the one who went off to hurt myself or if I had every reason in the world to be scared he'd do the same thing."

"I wouldn't call it projection, Steve. From what you've told me, I know that Sodapop has had severe suicidal thoughts very similar to your own, so I definitely can't say you didn't have a reason to be worried that goes beyond your suicide attempt. You know what you've seen and heard with your friend, and it seems natural for your concern to be high when you have a limited amount of information. Especially since it's not typical for Sodapop to go away alone for much time."

"So what the hell is wrong with me then? Why am I feeling like I'm pissed off or something? Nothing even actually happened. He left. He came back. We talked. But I haven't stopped thinking about it and connecting it to myself and what I did to him the day I overdosed."

"Is it possible you're angry at Sodapop?"

"I don't want to be. I shouldn't be."

"Anger is a normal response to being hurt or scared."

"I know. I know that because I've been through it before. I just don't want to feel that toward Soda."

"Anger is also a normal response to feeling relegated to the outside when you're used to being close to the center of what's happening."

Steve felt Laura's words pierce his heart as they tapped the truth that lay beneath every bit of emotion he'd been peeling back during their session. His gaze moved from his counselor to the window once more, taking in the view of the outdoors that reminded him any words he spoke within these walls never had to leave the room. "Yeah. I guess I am used to being close to what's happening. So not having that did something to me inside. Being hurt is one thing though. Anger feels like another. Especially if I'm actually angry at Soda."

"Anger doesn't diminish love. It's hard to watch those we care about hurt, especially when we don't have the sense of control that comes with simply being present."

"I wasn't present with him yesterday, and I'm mad about that. I didn't have the chance because he didn't let me have it this time."

"I'd also like you to keep in mind that your own actions on the day of your suicide attempt are not something you did to anyone. Your overdose wasn't a personal affront to your loved ones. In that same vein, the way Sodapop chose to handle his issues and feelings yesterday wasn't one either. Nothing you've said today makes me think his actions were directed toward you."

"Yeah. I know they weren't. He didn't mean to do anything that could hurt. He was just trying to take care of himself and work things out. The time alone ended up being good for him."

Laura's gaze remained trained on Steve, seeing his features soften as the anger he'd been expressing took a backseat to the empathy that always informed his perspective. "So what are you thinking now? Are you coming to some resolution?"

"Yeah. I think so." Steve got up out of his chair and went over to the window, his fingers lifting to touch the glass. "I think I'm finding my way to a better place."

"Hey, Pone, I baked us some cookies. Want one?"

Pony saw Soda open the oven and take out a tray, the aroma of peanut butter filling the air. "Yeah. Sure."

Soda scooped up two of the cookies and poured a glass of milk for each of them. "Come sit down with me then, little brother. I've been wantin' to talk to you all day."

Pony did as Soda asked, noticing the chocolate chips that were in the cookies. "You made them like Mom used to."

"Yeah. 'Cause I've been thinkin' about her. Dad too. Especially him, to be honest."

"Oh. Is that what happened yesterday? Was it because of your grief or something like that?"

"Sort of. 'Cause it's weird to be both an orphan and a parent. Even though I ain't a parent the legal way, I'm still a father."

"Of course you are. No matter how you look at it, Emily couldn't be here if not for you."

"Yeah. That's true, and I don't even want to think of the world without her now. Maybe I'm not always sure about stuff lately, but I do know she's one of the best things to come out of a time where nothin' felt like it would ever be all right again. She's the proof that there's more to life than we're sometimes able to see."

"Yeah, man. We checked with Penny, Samuel, and TwoBit. We couldn't just sit around and not even try."

Soda bowed his head, his eyes looking away from Steve, as the two sat on the steps of the Randles' back porch. "I guess I should've known that."

Steve nudged Soda's shoulder, recognizing what was happening with his friend. "Hey, don't do that, buddy."

"Don't do what?"

"Beat yourself up. You did what you needed to, and yeah, it was hard for us. But that's all right 'cause you came back home once you were ready."

"Yeah. I did. How was your session with Laura today?"

"Good. It was...productive, I guess you could say. I got a lot out of me that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. Can I share something with you? It's about yesterday, and I want you to let me finish before you say anything."

"Okay. You can share whatever it is, and I'll just listen."

"You going off by yourself reminded me of that day I called out work and took some time alone. You didn't know where I was for a few hours, even though I didn't go far. You and my dad were really worried and looking for me. I remember you telling me I disappeared. But the only place I'd been were my house and the cemetery. It wasn't about that though. It was about the way I'd been talking. You hugged the living daylights out of me when I showed up at your house, and it's no wonder. It's no wonder you were fearing the worst."

Soda kept his word, remaining quiet as he touched Steve's arm.

"So I guess thinking about that also made me remember the time I didn't just go off by myself to be alone. I didn't just think about my mom or counseling or have suicidal thoughts I didn't even realize were there. I wanted to be on my own so I could hurt myself."

Soda chose this moment to break his silence, as he was unable to hold his suspicion inside. "Did you think I might do that yesterday? Did you think I might do somethin' to myself?"

"I didn't really think so, but I worried, you know? Because I had no idea what you could be thinking. I had no way to know if you were in that frame of mind at all. I know it's been a while since you told me you were having those kinds of thoughts, but it's not like they can't come up, especially when you're vulnerable. Now sure seems like a time that you would be too."

"You're right. But I'm not, Stevie. I promise. I wasn't thinkin' like that yesterday either. Got it?"

"Yeah. I hear you, buddy. I think it's just the history. Both yours and mine. Plus, you told me how you were thinking about your parents, so I feel like that made me go on high-alert even more."

"It did? Why?"

"'Cause I remember how you were thinking about them a lot before. Not just them, but their deaths. And that was at the same time you were planning to kill yourself, so I guess maybe my head connects those two things. Especially when you felt the need to go on the road since that's the last place they were alive."

"But that's all this time, I swear. Somethin' about bein' out there just made things click. I only thought about my own death when I was scared of that truck hittin' me, and it's not like I wanted it to or anything. It was just crazy to think that what happened to them could happen to me too, and I couldn't help wonderin' how afraid they must've been. I even wondered if they knew they were about to die. It's like I'm just now really getting what happened to them and what it means for me. For us."

"So what does it mean then?"

"That we're not only orphans till we grow up. We were kids without parents, and we'll turn into adults without parents. I mean, Darry was technically nineteen when they died. But he was really a kid too. Pony's still one. But I'm not sure what I am. I don't feel like an adult, even if I'm supposed to be."

"If it helps, I don't always feel like one either, man."

"Maybe it's the age. Nineteen feels so in-between. And Mom and Dad bein' gone means they don't see us finish growin' up. We miss havin' parents to show us how to do things. Like be parents ourselves and husbands. They miss seein' us live, and that's true forever."

"You're really getting deep here, buddy. But maybe this is the day for that since I did with Laura too."

"Yeah. Maybe it is. Is that what ya'll talked about? How you were worried about me?"

"Mostly. That and some other feelings I still have 'cause of my overdose."

Steve watched as Soda's gaze drifted away from him, then lifted one hand to touch his best friend's cheek, making their eyes meet once again. "And that's all right, brother. It's what Laura's there for. I don't want you to feel bad about anything. For what it's worth, I also know it's not that easy. But I'm still saying it so you'll know where my heart is here."

"Yeah, I always know that, Stevie. Your heart stays in the best place. But, right now, I'm not even sure where mine is."

"Wherever it needs to be. Reflecting. Remembering. Helping you stay on track with the things that will make sure you heal."

Soda blinked in response to the tears that were filling his eyes as he put his head on Steve's shoulder. "Sounds about right."

Steve's thoughts went back to some of what he'd said to Laura, his mind also echoing her words of affirmation, as he let his own head touch Soda's. "Of course it does, buddy. You're headed in the right direction, and there's no better way for you to go."

"I still get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her, Son. Or even when I just talk to her. I don't think this feeling will ever get old."

Steve had climbed onto the bed beside Nicholas, seeing the look in his dad's eyes that told of a love he hadn't experienced in many years. "It probably won't. I know you don't want it to either. Especially not before you get hitched. You need the spark at least till the honeymoon."

Nicholas let out a laugh as he sat up against his pillow, which was propped on the head of the bed. "Oh, we do, huh? What about after?"

"You'll be an old married couple."

"Old? Do I look old to you?"

"I don't think you want me to answer that."

"Am I too old to give you a sibling?"

"What? What kind of question is that?"

"One people who are engaged discuss."

"You're not engaged to me."

"No, but I'm trying to tell you that Audrey and I are talking about having a child together. I want to know what you think about that."

"Do whatever you want, Dad. I'm nineteen, not nine. It won't affect me that much either way."

"Oh. Well, I realize that, but I still wondered how you'd feel about the idea of having a brother or sister."

"I don't feel anything. If you and Audrey want to have a kid, it's fine with me. If you don't, that works too."

"Okay." Nicholas laid his hand on Steve's back just as the younger man turned away from him. "Is something bothering you, Son?"

"No. Of course not. What would be bothering me?"

"I'm not sure. I just think-"

"I'm angry, okay? I'm angry at my best friend when he didn't do a damn thing wrong! And I hate being angry at him, especially when he's going through so much right now. I've tried not to be mad. I've even tried just denying it, but that's not working either. I need to admit it for real, not just dance around it, like I did with Laura today. She helped me see it and understand it because she knew even before I did, but I've gotta have more than that if I'm going to get over this."

"So let me in then, Steve. I don't need to sit and talk about Audrey if there's something else that brought you in here tonight. Why are you mad at Sodapop? Is it because of yesterday?"

"Yeah. I hate that I wasn't there for him and that I didn't even know what was going on. I hate that I was worried he could be wanting to hurt himself. It hurts to be mad, but I still am."

"Did you talk to him about this?"

"Some of it. I told him about how worried I was and why. But I didn't say anything about being angry. I'm a hypocrite, but I just couldn't do that to him. Not now. Maybe not ever."

"How does that make you a hypocrite?"

"'Cause I told Soda that we can talk about everything, and anger's not an exception. I said I wanted to know when he was mad at me and that I couldn't fix what I didn't know was broken. He feels bad already though, Dad, and sitting there with him tonight, I couldn't even feel the anger anymore. I couldn't feel anything, except wanting to make him feel better. I didn't want to hurt him by saying I'm angry about something when he's struggling with it himself."

Nicholas' hand remained on Steve's back as he lifted the other to stroke his son's head. "Maybe this situation is just different then. It doesn't make you a hypocrite if you don't feel like it's right to confide in Sodapop about your anger. I think, as long as you're telling someone and getting it off your chest, you're fine. Especially if it's not affecting how you treat him."

"Yeah, it's definitely not doing that. I'm just like I always am with him. When he was mad at me over seeing Emily, it seeped out of him, and he was really bad at keeping it from me. I'm not that way though, so maybe this isn't the same. Maybe it's okay if I guard our friendship by keeping that feeling separate."

"I said I don't want to talk, Darry. There ain't even anything to talk about."

Darry followed Soda out to the front porch, the middle brother's words only making him more determined. "I have to disagree there, little buddy. I think there's plenty to discuss, especially since you skipped your appointment with Dr. Morgan this week."

Soda sat down on the swing, head in his hands, as he gritted his teeth. "Are we really still on that? I can make some decisions by myself, you know. Maybe you like to think I can't, but you're wrong."

Darry took the spot next to Soda, his arm wrapping around the younger man's shoulders. "No. I don't think that at all. In fact, I think you're very capable of deciding things for yourself."

"You don't act like it."

"That's only because my concern trumps logic when it comes to how you're doing. I'm not telling you that you should've gone to your appointment this week. I'm just trying to fill in any gaps it might've left since you didn't get the chance to talk with Dr. Morgan."

"It ain't like I haven't been talkin' at all, and even if I had seen her, things wouldn't be any different now. I would still have the same stuff going through my head, and I still would've needed to understand on my own."

"Okay. So do you still think you're not sure about the adoption?"

"No. It was never that."

"What is it then?"

"I don't have a dad. But Samuel kind of makes me feel like I do." Soda felt Darry's arm squeeze his shoulders as he lifted his head up, his own brown eyes meeting his brother's blue-green orbs. "I'm sorry, Darry. For sayin' that. 'Cause I shouldn't. I shouldn't ever feel like anybody could be like our dad. And he's Emily's anyway. He ain't mine, and he can't be."

"Pepsi Cola, there's nothing you ought to be apologizing for right now. It's okay if you're seeing Samuel as a father figure. There's nothing wrong with that at all. Do you hear me?"

"Yeah. I hear you."

"Do you think this is why you felt whatever you did the last time you were around him?"

"I do. I'm sure it's that. I just couldn't really get it yet then. He's been there for me a lot. Not just now, but before too. The last year and a half. It feels like even longer though."

"I bet it does. He's been a good friend. Maybe you've needed somebody a little older to be this in your life. As much as I wish I could be everything to you and Pony, I know I can't fit into every space that might be there."

"But you don't have to, Dar. 'Cause you fit right where you're supposed to. You take up a whole spot in my heart. So, between you and Pony, Steve, Penny, and Samuel, plus Emily now too, I never feel like anything is missing."